Latest / Children, Divorce & Family Psychology with Dr. Bill MacLaney / How to Co-Parent Even If You Don’t Like Your Ex

Transcript

How to Co-Parent Even If You Don’t Like Your Ex · Children, Divorce & Family Psychology with Dr. Bill MacLaney

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to like your ex to be a good co-parent.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to forgive them, become friends, spend holidays together, or agree on how everything should be done.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of divorced parents make co-parenting harder than it needs to be because they think the goal is some version of getting along.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: The real goal is much more practical.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Can the two of you create a setup that works well enough for your child?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Dr.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Bill McLeany and I'm a clinical and forensic psychologist.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And much of my work involves separation, divorce, high conflict families, and damaged parent-child relationships and families who eventually come into our Compass Family Reconnection Program.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if co-parenting with your ex feels impossible right now, I want to show you what actually matters, what you can stop trying to fix, and what your child really needs from both of you.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: You do not need to be friends.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I think people hear the word co-parenting and picture this very friendly post-divorce relationship.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Mom and dad are sitting together at the soccer game, they talk easily, they can have dinner with the kids, maybe they even spend holidays together.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's great if they can do it, but it's not the standard.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can dislike your ex and still co-parent reasonably well.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can disagree with how they live.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can wish they were more organized, more flexible, more involved, less involved, or just easier to deal with.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: None of that automatically means your child is in trouble.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: What matters is whether the two of you can handle the things that actually affect your child without pulling the kid into the middle.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: That is a much lower bar than friendship.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And for a lot of families, it is also much more realistic.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Your child should not become the messenger.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: One of the first places co-parenting breaks down is communication.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Parents don't want to talk to each other, so the child starts becoming the go-between.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Tell your mother soccer practice moved.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Ask your dad if the field trip is paid for.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Did your mother make the doctor's appointment?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Tell your father you need your baseball stuff.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: At first, that could seem harmless.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: The message gets where it needs to get to, and nobody has to deal directly with the other parent.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: But then the child starts learning which messages cause a reaction.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: They know which subjects are touchy.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: They know when one parent is getting irritated.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: They know when it's easier to leave something out.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And some kids get remarkably good at this.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: They start editing what they say in the house because they don't want to set anybody off.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is when a child has become too involved in the communication between the adults.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: If one parent needs information from the other as much as possible, adults need to handle that directly.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Even if the conversation is brief, even if it's awkward, even if you would rather not have it.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Different homes do not have to match.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Another mistake is thinking that both houses have to run the same way.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: They just won't.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: One parent may be stricter about homework, the other may allow more screen time, one parent like structure, the other is more relaxed.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: One says 10 o'clock is a curfew, the other says midnight.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And parents can spend an enormous amount of time trying to make the other house look more like their own.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the time, that isn't necessary.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Children are capable of understanding that different places have different rules.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, learning to function successfully in two somewhat different households can actually be an opportunity for a child to develop adaptability.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Adaptability is one of the components I look at when I'm thinking about resilience.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: The problem isn't that dad does bedtime differently than mom.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: The problem starts when the child is taught that the difference itself means something is wrong with dad or mom.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: A resilient child can learn things could be different here, and I could handle this difference.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: They already do at school, at grandma's house, at a friend's house, and everywhere else they go.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: What causes more trouble is when every difference becomes something the child has to hear about.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Your mother's too strict.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I would never let you stay up that late.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now the child is no longer adapting to two different homes.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're being asked to compare the parents.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is where things get very messy.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need identical homes.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: You need enough consistency on the things that truly matter and enough flexibility to let reasonable differences stay reasonable.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Co-parenting does not mean giving in.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So now, when I say that, some parents hear, so what am I supposed to do?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Let my ex do whatever they want?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: There are things that absolutely need discussion.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Safety, school, medical care, major schedule changes, things that affect your children in a real way.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: But there's a difference between something that generally needs to be worked out and something that you simply would have done differently.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: If your ex lets your teenager stay up an hour later than you do, that may annoy you.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: If your child is missing school because nobody is getting them there, that's a different problem.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: If your ex packs different food than you do, that may be fine.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: If there's a serious medical issue and nobody is communicating, that is not fine.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Good co-parenting requires knowing which things deserve your energy and which don't.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things I see in high conflict families is that parents gradually lose the ability to distinguish a parenting difference from a parenting failure.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Dad does something different.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Mom experiences it as evidence that he's a bad parent.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Mom makes a decision dad wouldn't have made, and now it becomes another example for the file.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Once every difference becomes evidence, you're not really co-parenting anymore.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're building a case against each other.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And children become very aware of that.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because if every difference becomes a major issue, eventually your child starts living in the middle of all those issues too.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: If this is helping you think about co-parenting a little differently, give the video a like and subscribe to the channel.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to be talking a lot more about divorce, high conflict parenting, damaged parent-child relationships, and what families can do before smaller problems become much harder to fix.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Less contact is not always better.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes parents solve conflict by barely communicating at all.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's where parallel parenting often enters the discussion.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you that I'm not really a big fan of this.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Parallel parenting as a long-term solution is not necessarily effective.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I understand why courts use it.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: If two parents can't communicate without fighting, reducing conflict can contain the immediate problem.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes containment is necessary, but containment isn't the same as healthy co-parenting.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: If mom and dad can only function as parents by essentially pretending the other household doesn't exist, the conflict is still organizing the family.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: We've just built the structure around it.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I see in actual court-involved families.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: The parenting plan says communicate only about necessary child-related matters.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds simple.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: What's necessary?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: A C on a math test?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Soccer practice moving from Tuesday to Wednesday?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Dad's girlfriend picking the child up from school, mom changing a doctor's appointment.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen parents spend an enormous amount of time and sometimes an enormous amount of money arguing about what counts as necessary communication.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: So reducing contact may lower the temperature, but I still want to know whether these two adults are developing the ability to respect one another's roles as a parent.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because if they're not, the child could still end up carrying the conflict when mom and dad barely speak.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Your child needs room to have two relationships.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is probably one of the most important aspects of co-parenting.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Your child needs to be able to have a relationship with the other parent that is separate from your opinion of this person.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: That can be hard.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: You may know things about your ex that your child does not know.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: You may still be angry.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: You may still disagree with the choices they've made, but your child should not have to decide whether they are allowed to love the other parent based upon how you feel about that parent.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: That means they should be able to come home and say, I had a great weekend with dad without your face changing.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's a resilience concept I think is particularly important here.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Tolerance of differences.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Can a child remain connected to two people who don't agree with each other?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can they love dad without that threatening the relationship with mom?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Can they love mom while knowing dad is still angry with her?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's psychologically much healthier than requiring the child to resolve the parent's disagreement by deciding which parent is right.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: They should be able to say something nice about mom without feeling that they just betrayed you.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: They should be able to miss the other parent.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: They should be able to enjoy both homes.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: When it is safe and appropriate, that freedom is one of the healthiest things you can give them.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to forgive your ex.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to say something about forgiveness, because I think it puts a lot of pressure on parents themselves here.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: You may still be angry.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: You may have good reason to be angry.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: There may have been betrayal, lies, money problems, or decisions that changed your life in ways you did not want.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not asking you to pretend that it didn't happen, but your child should not be the person you vent on to about.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: They should not have to hear the whole story of the marriage.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: They should not have to understand why you're right.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: There are other people for that, friends, family, or therapist.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: People who can hear the whole story without them having to go spend the weekend with the person you're talking about.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: So you can still be angry at your ex and be a good co-parent.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: The question is where that anger goes.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: When co-parenting really is not possible, there are also situations where cooperative co-parenting is not realistic, at least for a while.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: There may be harassment, coercive behavior, serious instability, or other circumstances where direct contact needs to be reduced.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: In those cases, a more structured arrangement can make sense.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: But even then, I want the structure to do something useful for the child.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want the child becoming the only bridge between the two households that barely communicates.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want them deciding what information should be passed along.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want them feeling like one home has to stay completely separate from the other in order to keep everyone calm.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: By the time some families reach the Compass Family Reconnection Program, we're no longer dealing with two parents who simply don't communicate well.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, we're looking at a damaged parent-child relationship rather than simply poor co-parenting.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I care so much about what happens earlier.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Reunification work is so much harder than preventing the relationship from deteriorating in the first place.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: What good co-parenting actually looks like.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: So if you don't like your ex, that doesn't automatically mean co-parenting is going to fail.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: What I would ask is whether you can do a few basic things reasonably well.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Can you exchange important information without using your child as the messenger?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Can you tolerate normal differences between the two homes?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Can you tell the difference between a real parenting problem or something that you would have simply handled differently?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Can your child talk openly about the other parent without worrying about your reaction?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can you keep the child out of the parts of the divorce that belong between the adults?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you can do those things, you don't need some perfect relationship with your ex.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: You need a workable one.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't measure successful co-parenting by whether mom and dad actually like each other.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: I measure it by how much psychological work the child has to do because they don't.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: That is enough to give your child a much healthier experience of living between two homes.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in New Jersey and co-parenting conflict is starting to affect your relationship with your child, this is the kind of work we do at Compass Psych Service.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: We help parents figure out where things are getting stuck and what needs to change before those patterns become much harder to undo.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can reach out to our office and we can help you figure out what makes sense for you and your family.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And in the next video, I'm going to show you a co parenting strategy that can dramatically reduce fighting, especially when little parenting issues seem to turn into another argument.