Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / The Parenting Time You Think You Don't Have

Transcript

The Parenting Time You Think You Don't Have · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello.
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  Speaker 2: Every Friday on The Happy Families podcast, we dig into
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: the things that are working in the things that aren't
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: working in our family because family life's tricky and we
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  Speaker 2: want you to have a happy family, and sometimes the
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  Speaker 2: best way to make your family happiest to look what
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: other people are doing right or wrong and hopefully learn
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  Speaker 2: from them so that you can absolutely dial it in. Also,
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  Speaker 2: we want to highlight that when you get a little
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  Speaker 2: bit introspective, not too naval gayzy, but just a little
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  Speaker 2: bit introspective, you can start to identify what.
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  Speaker 1: Works and what doesn't. We sort of want to share
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  Speaker 1: with you how we do that ourselves.
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  Speaker 2: So today I'll do better tomorrow. On The Happy Family's podcast, Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: you're sharing is it a win?
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  Speaker 1: Have you had a win?
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: I don't know if it's a win or not.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, Well we'll find out why you're so uncertain right
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  Speaker 2: after this, plus my ups and downs of being a
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  Speaker 2: dad who is also a parenting expert and trying to
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  Speaker 2: get the balance right, stay with us.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Happy Friday.
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  Speaker 2: It's The Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every Day,
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  Speaker 2: Australa's most downloaded parenting podcasts.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Where Justin then Kyte calls some parents to six kids. Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: you're not sure if you're winning all losing this week.
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  Speaker 1: What's your old about it tomorrow?
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  Speaker 3: We'll At the beginning of the year, you and I
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  Speaker 3: made some really big decisions about how we were going
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  Speaker 3: to move forward with our health and fitness, and one
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  Speaker 3: of the things we decided to add into our routine
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  Speaker 3: was to go for a nightly walk after dinner with
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  Speaker 3: the dog. Dog's getting a little bit chubby. She needs
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  Speaker 3: to get out more, and you and I recognize that
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  Speaker 3: this is a good thing for us to do. You'd
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  Speaker 3: read some research and it suggested.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not Andrew Huberman or anything like that, but
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  Speaker 2: apparently something to do with your insulin and going for
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  Speaker 2: a walk after dinner, and it helps you to be
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  Speaker 2: healthier and gain less weight if you just go for
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  Speaker 2: a ten or fifteen minute walk after dinner. You've decided
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  Speaker 2: to go a bit extra because you're on your health kick,
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  Speaker 2: and instead of a ten minute walk, it's five k's.
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  Speaker 2: That's five k's, it's an hour long walk.
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  Speaker 1: Well, we have a lot to talk about.
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  Speaker 3: You and I were doing the walk.
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  Speaker 1: It's a great debrief. At the end of the day,
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  Speaker 1: we didn't take the five.
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  Speaker 3: It was such a wonderful time to reconnect after a
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  Speaker 3: busy day. However, what was happening was because you travel
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  Speaker 3: a lot, there were plenty of nights where I wouldn't
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  Speaker 3: go for a walk because I didn't want to do
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  Speaker 3: it on my own. And recently I was feeling really
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  Speaker 3: flat and I had a conversation with a friend and
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  Speaker 3: she helped me reframe things. And I was saying to
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  Speaker 3: her that I felt like I didn't get a lot
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  Speaker 3: of time to myself. And she said, well, isn't your
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  Speaker 3: walk a great opportunity for you to have that downtime.
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  Speaker 3: And I said, that's a great idea. I hadn't seen
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  Speaker 3: it like that, and so I was so excited to
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  Speaker 3: be able to have a little bit of downtime to myself,
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  Speaker 3: no phones, no distractions.
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  Speaker 1: No people, until the kids realized that I was.
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  Speaker 3: All on my own. So now I don't walk on
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  Speaker 3: my own. There is always a child buying for a
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  Speaker 3: place in my walking schedule, and I've been a little
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  Speaker 3: bit glib. This is a win. This is a win
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  Speaker 3: every time our children make a bid for connection, Take it,
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  Speaker 3: take it and run with it, because it's such a
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  Speaker 3: beautiful opportunity to connect and to understand their world a
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  Speaker 3: bit better. And so each night I go for a walk.
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  Speaker 3: If it's not with you, it's with one of the girls,
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  Speaker 3: and they don't stop talking five k's. It's an hour.
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  Speaker 3: It's an hour of listening. But I wouldn't choose to
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  Speaker 3: be anywhere else.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I kind of feel like I've been uninvited on
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  Speaker 2: the walks you really have, as in, I'm just no
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  Speaker 2: longer welcome. And I don't like it because I really
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  Speaker 2: like the debrief.
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  Speaker 1: I like the time.
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  Speaker 2: It's kind of almost like a little mini date night
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  Speaker 2: that we get to have. We walk for like an hour,
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  Speaker 2: it's five k's.
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  Speaker 3: Well, the other night I left the house with one
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  Speaker 3: of the children and another one rang and said where
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  Speaker 3: are you? You've left without me and I said, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: I'm on my way, and she was like, all right, well,
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  Speaker 3: I'm just going to run and I'll catch up with you.
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  Speaker 3: Or she showed up in her pajamas and her slippers.
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  Speaker 3: I'm in sneakers. This is a serious walk. And I
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  Speaker 3: had another one of her sisters, which she didn't realize,
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  Speaker 3: and she wanted to have a big debrief with me,
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  Speaker 3: so she started to and then she kind of looked
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  Speaker 3: at me and she said, this isn't really working, is it.
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  Speaker 3: She disappeared. Meantime, her youngest sister was like, oh, so good.
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  Speaker 3: I'm glad she's gone. Now I can talk to you.
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  Speaker 2: So what I'm hearing my version of what you're saying is,
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  Speaker 2: no matter how busy life is, the reality is, we
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  Speaker 2: don't want to go for a walk at eight o'clock
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  Speaker 2: at night for five k's like, we don't want to
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  Speaker 2: be out for an hour walking from eight to nine
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  Speaker 2: on a winter's night. But the kids are joining you.
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  Speaker 2: Now I'm, like I said, uninvited. And you're having all
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  Speaker 2: of these incredible conversations with the kids, they open up.
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  Speaker 2: There's something about being side by side walking at a
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  Speaker 2: reasonable pace maybe four k's an hour five k's. Now
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  Speaker 2: the brain just seems to say, hmm, I'm safe. I
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  Speaker 2: can process stuff, and the kids are doing that with you.
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  Speaker 3: It's crazy because one of the conversations I had with
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  Speaker 3: our daughter. We've tried to have numerous times with her
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  Speaker 3: and she's been really really closed, but because we were
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  Speaker 3: walking and because it was late, it was like she
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  Speaker 3: was uninhibited. She literally just she was the one who
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  Speaker 3: brought it up kept talking. I was like, here's the
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  Speaker 3: crazy thing. We're having this conversation. I said, but if
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  Speaker 3: we tried to do this at home, it just doesn't work.
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  Speaker 3: So what do you think the difference is? And it
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  Speaker 3: all came down to the fact that when she's at home,
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  Speaker 3: she's on her screen. But we're outside, we're in nature,
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  Speaker 3: we're side by side, and there's no screens inside, and
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  Speaker 3: all of a sudden, there's an opportunity to connect that
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  Speaker 3: she hasn't recognized.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, kids, fell love to im. I've been saying it
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  Speaker 2: for years. Connection is the currency of our relationships. Really
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  Speaker 2: really powerful reminder, something that maybe more families might do.
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  Speaker 2: After break my old bed tomorrow, trying to be a
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  Speaker 2: good parent and a good parenting expert where you don't
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  Speaker 2: have time to breathe stay with us.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: We're back as the Happy Family's podcast. Kylie.
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  Speaker 2: You know this because it's the reality of our lives.
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  Speaker 2: But everyone goes on about how busy they are. There's
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  Speaker 2: so much going on, and it's really hard to connect
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  Speaker 2: with the kids when you are that flat strap, when
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  Speaker 2: there's that much going.
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  Speaker 3: On, you go for a walk at ninety That's kind
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  Speaker 3: of what you have to do.
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  Speaker 2: So I just want to go through a couple of things.
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  Speaker 2: Like my last couple of weeks, I've been in Sydney, Melbourne,
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  Speaker 2: the Brisbane area. I've been in Adelaide. I've been in
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  Speaker 2: regional centers for both New South Wales and Victoria and Queensland.
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  Speaker 2: I've been giving talks to parents, talks to school leaders.
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  Speaker 2: I've been giving talks to students. Oh my goodness, I
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  Speaker 2: probably shouldn't talk about this on the pod. So giving
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  Speaker 2: talks to students not one of my favorite things because
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  Speaker 2: students are like, they didn't ask to be there. And
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  Speaker 2: when you're talking to three hundred grade eight kids about
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  Speaker 2: respect for relationships and they didn't put up their hand
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  Speaker 2: and say, oh, can we please go to that talk?
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  Speaker 1: That'll be awesome.
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  Speaker 2: It's a really, really tough gig, Like student talks are tough.
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  Speaker 2: So I was giving a talk in a regional area
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  Speaker 2: to I think there was about five hundred kids in
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  Speaker 2: the assembly hall. It was I've been doing this for
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  Speaker 2: fifteen years. It was the worst student talk I've ever given.
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  Speaker 2: And when it was over, I just said to the
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  Speaker 2: staff at the school, that was so hard. I said,
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  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry. I don't want to say this to you,
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  Speaker 2: but I'm just letting you know. I don't think I've
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  Speaker 2: had a worse student talk in my career. And they
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  Speaker 2: were really embarrassed, and I was like, no, no, I'm not
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  Speaker 2: saying it to embarrass you.
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  Speaker 1: I'm just letting you know. That was a really tough one.
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  Speaker 2: And they were like, yeah, we know, we don't know
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  Speaker 2: what happened with the kids. That was pretty rugged. Anyway,
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  Speaker 2: the next group came in. It was one of the
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  Speaker 2: best talks I've ever given. Like I was thinking, I'm
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  Speaker 2: never going to give another student talk again for the
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  Speaker 2: rest of my life after that first one, and then
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  Speaker 2: the second one was like, oh my goodness, I should
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  Speaker 2: keep doing this. Then the next day I gave another
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  Speaker 2: two student talks at another school, and I'm walking back
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  Speaker 2: to the staff room after the talk, having spoken to
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  Speaker 2: three hundred year sevens and then three hundred year eights,
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  Speaker 2: and it was like I was a celebrity walking through
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  Speaker 2: the playground and they were all coming up and saying
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  Speaker 2: that was so helpful, I'm so glad you did that,
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  Speaker 2: and everyone's talking about it right now, And that was
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  Speaker 2: the best student talk we've ever had in our lives
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  Speaker 2: and I was sort of going, I'm like a little
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  Speaker 2: mini celebrity. Everyone's like kids were sobbing and going, we're
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  Speaker 2: not supposed to have funes, but can we take a photo?
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  Speaker 2: On the teachers going you're not supposed to have your phone,
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  Speaker 2: but sure you can take a photo anyway. I digress,
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  Speaker 2: turning this into a bit of a word salad. Oh
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  Speaker 2: and when I was in Sydney, I don't know if
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  Speaker 2: I'm allowed to say this. And I'm going to be
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: on Jessica Rowe's Big Talk podcast in a couple of
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  Speaker 2: weeks talking about.
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  Speaker 1: The brand new book.
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  Speaker 2: There's just been so much going on since the accident,
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  Speaker 2: but certainly the last couple of weeks, I've rebounded and
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  Speaker 2: I'm working a million miles an hour. I'm all over
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  Speaker 2: the country giving talks everywhere. What's all they got to
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  Speaker 2: do with anything? It's really hard to find time to
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  Speaker 2: be the breadwinner but also to be the parent, to
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  Speaker 2: be the husband, and in a couple of the little gaps,
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  Speaker 2: like I was working all day Saturday last week, but
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  Speaker 2: on Saturday night you and I caught up and we
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: got to go on a date. We went to one
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  Speaker 2: of those I don't know if you've seen those. They're
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: advertised all over the place online. It's like a string
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: quartet surrounded by candles.
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  Speaker 3: Or it's a grand piano or like.
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  Speaker 1: They do affer.
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  Speaker 3: It's just it's live music by candlelight.
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  Speaker 2: Live music by candlelight. So you and I went out
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  Speaker 2: and had one of It was such a nice night.
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  Speaker 1: It was so great.
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  Speaker 2: And then a couple of nights later, just earlier this week,
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  Speaker 2: I was home one night. It's been really intense, and
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  Speaker 2: our twenty two year old daughter came up to me
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  Speaker 2: and said, Hey, Dad, want to play Boggle? And I
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  Speaker 2: was like not in my mind, not really. I'd like
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  Speaker 2: to just read a book or breathe or have a minute.
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  Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, I'm supposed to spend time
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  Speaker 2: with the kids. We sat down and played boggle.
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  Speaker 1: She beat me.
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  Speaker 2: It was devastating. It crushed me, but it was so
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  Speaker 2: great to sit down and just play a game with
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  Speaker 2: one of our kids. And I guess this word salad
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  Speaker 2: ends with the simple take home message. Life gets really
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  Speaker 2: busy for all of us. There's highs and lowers, there's
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  Speaker 2: peaks and troughs. There's things that we really love and
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  Speaker 2: things that we really struggle with and I think.
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  Speaker 3: There's always room to make excuses as why we can't
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  Speaker 3: do something.
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  Speaker 2: Precisely exactly a week and a half ago, I was
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  Speaker 2: in one of Brisbane's suburbs. I was in Annelie and
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  Speaker 2: I was giving a talk to parents and students.
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  Speaker 1: It was a combined.
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  Speaker 2: Parents student talk about resilience, and I was just talking
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  Speaker 2: about this idea that can't means don't want to. And
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  Speaker 2: often we'll say I can't, but what we're actually saying
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  Speaker 2: is I don't want to. And when we say I
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  Speaker 2: can't spend time with the kids, maybe it's true. Maybe
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  Speaker 2: from a practical and logistical point of view, we can't.
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  Speaker 2: But guess what, more often than not, it's not that
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  Speaker 2: we can't, it's that we don't want to. The screen's
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  Speaker 2: more compelling, or there's something else that's going on. So
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  Speaker 2: to take our message, we say that we can't. And
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to sound harsh, but the reality is
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  Speaker 2: I can't go for a walk tonight, or I can't
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  Speaker 2: play boggle, or I can't do.
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  Speaker 1: A date night because I'm exhausted and there's too much
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  Speaker 1: going on. But I wonder if what I'm actually saying
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  Speaker 1: is I just don't want to go to the fuss.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to go to the bother. I'm really tired.
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  Speaker 2: And if we can push past that and we make
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  Speaker 2: the effort, it's always so rewarding, it's always so worth it.
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  Speaker 3: Well, maybe the truth is you can't go for a walk,
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  Speaker 3: but what can you do? I think that that's it.
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  Speaker 1: It's like, thank you for softening what I said, because
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  Speaker 1: as I was saying.
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  Speaker 3: So reframing it. It's reframing it, it's acknowledging. And I've
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  Speaker 3: said it to the kids. You know what I actually
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  Speaker 3: I've just I haven't got it in me tonight to
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  Speaker 3: do X, Y and Z. But I'm able to do this.
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  Speaker 3: Would that work? I think there's plenty of different ways
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  Speaker 3: we can look at things. We don't have to feel
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  Speaker 3: boxed in just because the kids ask us to do
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  Speaker 3: something specifically. If we really can't do that right now,
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  Speaker 3: I think it's important for us to honor that. But
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  Speaker 3: I think we have to find or give them other
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  Speaker 3: options so that they know that we're not We're not
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  Speaker 3: brushing them off, we're not making an excuse. We want
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  Speaker 3: to spend time with them, but it has to work
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  Speaker 3: for both of us.
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  Speaker 2: That's the take home message. Have a great weekend. We
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: really hope there's been some instpo on what we've shared
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: with you today. The Happy Families podcast sound and audio
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: engineering by Justin Roland from Bridge Media, additional support and
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: admin from Mim Hammond's. If you'd like more in for
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: her to make your family have you, visit happy families
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: dot com.
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: Dola