Latest / ADHD Strategies & Support for Women / Making Excuses? or Simply Explaining Your ADHD | ep 154

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Making Excuses? or Simply Explaining Your ADHD | ep 154 · ADHD Strategies & Support for Women

0:29
Hello, welcome to Inspiring Women with adhd.
0:31
I'm Renee, on the host of this podcast.
0:33
Have not been on in a while, long while.
0:36
And I could give you all my reasons, I could give you my excuses.
0:40
And that's what I want to talk about today.
0:41
Not my reasons and excuses, but what's the difference?
0:44
What's the difference between a reason and an excuse?
0:48
And how does that play into having adhd?
0:53
I see this sometimes.
0:57
I don't know if I've heard it in real life, but in online discussions, people will talk about.
1:07
Well, I'll give you an example.
1:09
That would be helpful, wouldn't it?
1:11
So I'm on a group, a Reddit, a subreddit for yoga teachers, and someone said, there's a woman who has ADHD who always comes to my classes late.
1:23
And it's important for me to have everyone there on time to get the warmup that we do or the class.
1:31
Also to hear the safety instructions.
1:33
Like their two most important things are the safety instructions and that everyone has a water bottle and she brings extra water bottles if someone doesn't have one.
1:41
And she said one time the woman came and forgot her water bottle and actually disrupted class to say, hey, do you have one of those water bottles?
1:50
So she didn't want it to disrupt class, but she wanted to be able to give her one, but she didn't want to just.
1:55
And have them for everyone.
1:57
I don't know, I can't remember why for that, but she was asking for people who had ADHD to possibly give insight.
2:06
And most of the comments were not from people who had adhd, but one was.
2:12
And she said, I have adhd, but there's no excuse to bring late like you.
2:19
You can make yourself on time when you're affecting other people.
2:23
You can make sure that you arrive on time.
2:26
And for something like that, if it's a visual, then maybe that's something like if I were.
2:32
Well, I am.
2:33
If I was a person that was going to a class and found myself running late and it mattered to me that I was on time and I knew it mattered to them, I would come up with a tool.
2:45
I would.
2:46
I would come up with a way to get there much, much earlier.
2:50
But I'm sure there would be an occasional time where, like, the parking lot's full and I have to go somewhere to park or, you know, and get in there later.
2:59
Or one time I used to go to these yoga classes that were an hour and 45 minutes every single Saturday when I was doing my first yoga teacher training And I arrived.
3:10
And I think in my mind, because it was an hour and 45 minutes, so it must have started at some 15 time or a 30 time.
3:16
I know it wasn't on the hour.
3:19
So with that, it mixed up in my brain what time it started.
3:23
So I thought I was writing on time, but I don't know if it's part of time blindness or not.
3:30
But just the actual shift in my mind of when it started, you know, that happened.
3:37
And it's not the first time.
3:39
I'm.
3:39
I'm guessing it's is related to time blindness because we're just the brain glitches that we have sometimes not knowing what day it is and thinking it's a different day and missing something or whatever.
3:52
But anyway, So I arrive 30 minutes late, but thinking I'm early.
3:59
So maybe I was more like 25 minutes late, I don't know.
4:02
But I think I was arriving early.
4:04
And I walk in and they're starting.
4:07
And maybe I wasn't surprised they were starting.
4:09
Maybe I thought like, oh, yeah, they might be starting right now.
4:11
Like, did I not get in here?
4:13
Like, did it take me longer to get from the car to into the yoga studio?
4:16
I walked in and the instructor was the person that I was doing my teacher training with.
4:20
So I was familiar with his classes, his instruction, what he would do at the very beginning of class, what might be 10 minutes into it, 20, 30.
4:29
I could tell this was not the beginning of class.
4:32
I thought you were in like the middle.
4:35
Not middle middle, but, you know, close enough.
4:37
So I was past the beginning.
4:39
And I was horrified.
4:41
And I thought, oh, my gosh, how did I do this?
4:43
You know, it's playing through my brain and everything.
4:45
And he was very welcoming and found a place in the room for me, which was like, honestly 8 inches from the wall in the front.
4:54
So he put me up in the front because his mat would be in the front sideways.
4:58
And then sometimes people would be to the side of him.
5:01
But if you got there early and you had one of those spots, and that was never a spot that wanted to be.
5:06
And I like to be in the back where I had a peripheral vision and could see things well, especially since he walked around a lot.
5:12
And I have hearing loss in one ear, even though I brought my hearing aids sometimes and I haven't used it in years, but even though I brought it sometimes it was more helpful for me to be where I
5:21
could just see people, because I like to face forward anyway and not be turning my head and I could just see you know, like get an idea of what, what people were doing if I didn't hear it quite
5:31
right.
5:32
So anyway, so I was right up in front and barely had room to bow forward in a sun salutation.
5:38
And so I was glad I could set up there.
5:41
But clearly I'm sitting up in front of everyone late.
5:44
And I really wasn't embarrassed for that, but I was more mindful of I need to apologize to him afterwards and let him know I just glitched on the time.
5:55
Like, I actually thought I was on time.
5:58
And eventually I thought, you can't spend your whole time thinking of your apology, so just let that go.
6:03
Which is a nice thing that you learn in yoga, is to notice what's in your mind, ask yourself if it's useful and just let go of it.
6:11
You know, like, think of it later.
6:12
If it's, if you don't need it right now, save it for another time.
6:16
But that was something that, to me, there was a reason for that happening.
6:26
My brain had a glitch.
6:28
Somebody else might think, that's no excuse.
6:31
You should be here on time.
6:32
You should be here on time.
6:34
And I think, no, there are reasons, especially when you have adhd.
6:38
Who knows why our brains glitch sometimes or we have the executive function struggles that we have.
6:45
At the same time, we might have a reason that's not as valid, right?
6:52
You might know that how to get somewhere on time, you know how important it is.
7:00
But last minute, you know, you spill something and you have to clean it up or, you know, drop something or lose your phone.
7:07
Those are a lot of reasons too, that come with executive dysfunction that can get in the way of things.
7:12
Or if you have other people in your house and you're including them like a baby.
7:17
I took care of my grandchildren the last two weeks, last week and the week before that was part of the reason I was on here.
7:23
I was going to make multiple episodes before that and it did not happen.
7:28
Went on a trip to California, came back, I actually made an episode about sleep.
7:32
And then afterwards realized there were some things that I didn't come full circle with and never published it.
7:40
So my apologies on that.
7:41
I will go back to that and try to remember what I talked about and make a new one.
7:45
But yeah, it's been a while.
7:47
But with the baby here, he's 17 months old and there was one day that I was going to be on time somewhere.
7:54
I even had plenty of time, got everything ready, but he was taking a nap and so I thought, I'm going to Save waking him up till the last minute because that will be helpful to him to get his
8:06
nap, to get as much sleep because he doesn't sleep through.
8:08
Picking him up and putting him in a car seat like that will disrupt his nap.
8:11
I'll give him the most time possible.
8:13
Problem was his diaper was needing to be changed in a much longer, lengthier way than a quick diaper change.
8:22
So that, to me, is a reason.
8:24
But a lot of people say, you know, like, oh, I always feel like the word excuse comes with the idea that you didn't try hard enough, you didn't make an effort, or it didn't matter to you.
8:39
And.
8:40
And that can be challenging for you.
8:43
If you have ADHD and you have.
8:47
You have these moments with friends, relatives, people in your home where things don't go quite well, like, swimmingly.
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They don't.
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They don't go as well as they might for somebody else or.
9:04
I don't know.
9:04
You know, life has its challenges, for sure.
9:08
And you might be somebody who has a hard time meeting a deadline if you have work or keeping your area clean, if you need to do that at work.
9:19
And with that, there can be expectations of, no excuses, you need to do this.
9:26
And it can be hard.
9:27
And with friendships, it does matter to people that you make an effort and that you.
9:35
That you.
9:36
That you don't cause friction and stuff, but sometimes you have valid reasons for things.
9:44
Not.
9:45
I don't.
9:45
I don't know that I.
9:46
There are just so many instances that I think of that I feel like I'm possibly annoying somebody else.
9:52
And I have really valid reasons for.
9:55
For that, for my behavior.
9:57
But, like, an example is being in an environment and being overstimulated, you know, by noise or by light or by where I'm seated and I'm not comfortable or something, or I need to get up and move around.
10:12
And I know that can be distracting for other people or frustrating for them.
10:16
And I have valid reasons, and I try to work with that.
10:21
And yet all of that starts to compound into how you feel about yourself.
10:26
And you don't want to be feeling bad about yourself in a situation.
10:28
You want to be able to.
10:30
To enjoy your time with them.
10:31
So there.
10:32
There are definitely some challenges with adhd.
10:35
You may have found them, too.
10:37
I've definitely found them.
10:39
Let me stop for a second.
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Cancel.
10:43
Oh, my gosh.
10:44
I don't know how to pause here.
10:46
I think there's a way to pause.
10:47
Okay.
10:48
Just so I have some people in another room talking.
10:51
I had to move rooms if you're watching on YouTube, you can see this is not the same room that I usually record in.
10:57
My mom is visiting for a month and she's sleeping in the room where I record my podcast.
11:03
So I was going to just arrange with her, like, I'm going to go and record my podcast now.
11:09
We tried that, but that didn't work because she's still adjusting to the time change.
11:13
So she takes naps and things like that.
11:14
So I moved everything in here.
11:16
Surprisingly enough, the sound is good, but I'm just listening.
11:19
I just paused for a bit just to see.
11:23
No, it's not picking up them talking in the other room, learning about sound settings and trying to get that right for you.
11:29
But before I go on, I want to just go through some of the challenges.
11:35
Well, okay, when I go on, I'm going to go through some of the challenges with ADHD and maybe talk about what possible reasons might be and how that can be a challenge in relationships, in friendships, and hopefully help
11:51
boost you up.
11:52
Because I know with me and with any kind of rejection sensitivity, whether you have RSD or not, I was going to say rsv.
12:02
That sounds more like some.
12:04
Is that the virus, that respiratory something.
12:07
I don't know.
12:08
Anyway, rejection sensitive dysphoria is rsd.
12:16
Okay.
12:16
Whether you have that to the point of like extreme pain and just like way, way, way, way a huge struggle.
12:25
I'm still debating where.
12:26
Whether I'm there or not.
12:27
I think mine's a little more mild than others when I evaluate and compare.
12:33
But you may still have a sensitivity to feeling like you're frustrating other people or upsetting them or interfering with their life or whatever.
12:47
And with that, you might also be expressive and you might have a need to explain and love to evaluate and analyze and be curious about the why.
12:58
Those are other traits that come with adhd and I think they're fabulous traits of.
13:03
Well, part of that being curious and being able to look into things and learning and learning and learning more and more.
13:09
And if you find somebody who likes to do that with you and analyze with you and talk about it and oh, it's probably like this and when I was younger I did that and oh, and you know, and
13:19
get their insight and you get to share yours, that can be really fun and you can learn about it and you can process it.
13:26
You can process what's going on by talking about it, that verbal processing.
13:31
And it can be really helpful.
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It can be validating because you can have some frustrations and, and, and, and, and it just ends in A moment of being frustrated instead of being able to feel like, yeah, I go through this.
13:48
Other people go through it too.
13:50
It's hard, it's challenging, and it's crazy.
13:54
And sometimes I'm entertained by the crazy part of it.
13:56
Like, isn't this crazy?
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I just did this and.
13:59
And you talk about it, you know, like.
14:01
Like it just having a.
14:02
A time of when you show up, just switching your brain when you've done it many, many times.
14:07
First time it happened, I was in college, and I've shared it on here before, but there was a time and I paid.
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I paid my own way through college.
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It didn't lead to any, like, great paying job or anything.
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I only got a bachelor's degree in.
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In English, but I paid my way through.
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I worked through college and everything.
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And there's a nice piano here.
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I can show you in a minute if you want.
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But I learned to play the piano when I was growing up, but I was never fabulous at it.
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Like, I could play if I practiced a lot.
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And when I got to college, I learned because there was a piano in our dorm.
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Mezzanine is the mezzanine.
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Maybe the mezzanine's upstairs.
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Or there was a lounge.
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Maybe the lounge or the lobby was downstairs.
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There's a piano there and people go in and play the piano and everything.
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And I learned, you know, when I was out of my small little town, I'm not that good at the piano.
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There are a lot of people who are really good and I'd like to keep learning.
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And I stopped taking lessons in high school.
15:00
So I thought, you know what?
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There's a joy in playing the piano.
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I should take a piano class.
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But I didn't want to take a group class.
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That's more like, you know, everyone learned the basics.
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I knew the basics.
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So I took a private piano class, one on one, one hour a week.
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And it was probably an extra hundred dollars or it was probably more than that.
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I think it was $10 a week.
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And this is in the 80s.
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This was expensive.
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So to me, that was a lot to Pay.
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That extra $10 a week, you know, $40 a month.
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That was a sweater at the Limited.
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If you knew the Limited, that was.
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That was like, I want to save up my money and get.
15:40
Buy a cool sweater at the Limited.
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But anyway, so, yeah, so I loved going in there.
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I would go into the music building.
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I wasn't a music major, but there was something kind of cool about doing that.
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I could even go into a practice room and practice there or back in my apartment, they had a piano in the lobby area where people played pool or watched.
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I don't know, maybe they had a TV in there.
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They had the laundry room off of that.
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And I just go in there and practice or practice up on campus.
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And I looked forward to learning from the teacher.
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I loved playing.
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It was kind of the only time of the week that I didn't.
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Well, besides when I worked, I loved my job.
16:18
I worked with flowers as florist, but I also loved playing the piano, partially because those were joyful things to do, but because I didn't feel guilty for not studying.
16:27
It was hard to study.
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It's hard to study all the time.
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And I always felt like I was behind.
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So it felt good not to feel guilty during that time.
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But anyway, so I show up to the class and I thought, I'm an hour early.
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I'm just going to sit here on the floor by the door and study.
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So I sat down, opened up a book and studied for another class.
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And I could hear another student in there playing.
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And I thought, that's cool.
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At the end of that hour, maybe it was a half hour class, but I think it was an hour.
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I go in there and I had missed my class.
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I had the time wrong.
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I was listening to the student from the time before that got a double time lesson because I didn't show up.
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I was so bummed.
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It was a loss of money.
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You know, they call it the ADHD tax, but I didn't know I had ADHD then.
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Loss of money, loss of getting to do it and really berating myself about why, why that would even happen.
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Like what, what is wrong with you kind of thing.
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This is crazy.
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And not knowing why, not knowing why at all.
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And because I wasn't very scattered back then.
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I don't know, maybe my friends would say differently.
17:40
Actually, I.
17:42
In high school, a few friends told me I was scattered.
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Like they were surprised that I could be so smart and get good grades and be so scattered at times.
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But I think I was just happy.
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Maybe that's why they thought I was scattered.
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I don't know.
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I don't know.
17:53
Maybe I was.
17:53
But anyway, so, yeah, so yeah, there can be these things.
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So I'm going to go through some of the things that can be frustrating, frustrating.
18:05
And I think I was going to pause and say something else, but I can't remember what that was.
18:08
It's like I was going to say the thing before saying all that, but I said all that instead.
18:14
I'm sure it didn't really matter.
18:16
I'm sure it didn't really matter.
18:18
Yeah, talk about brain glitches.
18:20
Okay, so some of the challenges that can affect other people, forgetting an appointment, running late.
18:30
Those are things that affect other people.
18:33
And I learned a concept recently that.
18:39
That I thought was a really fun shift in my mind because usually if I am running late, I might say something like, oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
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Like, this is.
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There's one of my classes that I go, that I teach, actually, and I don't always show up as early as I'd like to.
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And I'll come and go, oh, like, sorry, you know, and then their response is, that's okay.
19:03
So we have this little interaction, you know, I'm sorry.
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That's okay.
19:08
And I recently heard this concept that not.
19:12
And it wasn't necessarily about being late, but I was relating it to being late of when you do something that affects somebody else and your apology is all the explanations, like, you know, the I'm sorry I'm late.
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There.
19:33
There was a tractor.
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I got behind, I went outside, I saw.
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I didn't take out the trash yet.
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I took it out to the road, blah, blah, blah, you know, like, whatever.
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And if you tend to share, you might explain some of those things.
19:45
I tend to.
19:46
When you do those things, it puts the other person in a position of needing to just give you grace and just say, oh, that's okay, you know, or, oh, you fell and you did this and had to get
20:05
a band aid or whatever.
20:06
It puts them in a position of needing to care for you when you're actually the one that did something that affected them and you need.
20:14
You need to care for them.
20:16
And I really like that idea.
20:18
I don't know if that makes sense or not, but instead of me saying something that puts them in a position to say something nice to me, like, oh, that's okay, you know, it.
20:30
I say something nice to them, like, I really appreciate that, that you were here and waiting.
20:39
I know that put you.
20:39
And, you know, whatever.
20:40
I'm say something that's giving them some recognition for what they've done instead of putting the attention on me, which I thought was kind of a cool idea.
20:51
And I can't even remember how the whole situation was related, but I like that because one you're not giving and a reason that they might just think, gosh, she already always has excuses or something.
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And not that we're worried about how they.
21:07
How they judge us all the time.
21:09
I mean, maybe we are, but also to be Caring about them instead of bring the attention to you and actually validate them and what they did.
21:21
So instead of me coming on here and saying, I'm really sorry, I've been making podcast episodes for three weeks and here's all the reasons why.
21:31
What I really wanted to come here today to say is, I appreciate that you're still here.
21:36
I can go on to the host website where I host my podcast.
21:41
I just switched it from Libsyn.
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Libsyn's like, I think the one that's been around the longest, where you upload your audio and put in your artwork or whatever it is and your description and stuff, and then push publish, and then it goes out to
21:57
every.
21:58
Everything goes out to Spotify, it goes out to Apple Podcasts, Apple Music, Amazon Music, all the things.
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Anyway, goes to YouTube.
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And I just switched it to a company called Captivate.
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And I love a lot of things about it that Libsyn didn't have and it's cheaper, so it's a win, win.
22:16
But when I go to these websites, tells me how many downloads I have for my podcast.
22:23
How many today?
22:24
24 downloads today.
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Have I published anything in three weeks?
22:27
No, but 24 people downloaded my podcast episodes.
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Or maybe one person listened to a whole bunch, I don't know.
22:37
And how many yesterday?
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31 other people, you know, the famous podcasters.
22:42
This might not be very many, but I haven't done anything for three weeks.
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Am I making any money off of it?
22:46
No, but it makes me happy.
22:49
I appreciate you for your interest in my podcast, to give me a place to come and share what I'm learning about adhd and also to hopefully put me in a place where I can help you, because I want
23:05
to be able to help women with adhd.
23:07
I know it is.
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I know it's a misunderstood group of people from people who don't have adhd and even from doctors.
23:18
I know that there are things that they'll never understand, even though they have the expertise to diagnose or give us medication or other things.
23:30
When I go to the psychiatrist and talk to him, the suggestions I get, I'm kind of like, it's surprising to me, but it's not what they're paid to do anyway.
23:41
That's not what they went to school for.
23:43
And so I want to find this arena, if I can, or this.
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This space where I can come and talk to you as I learn and grow with it and.
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And hopefully help you with it, too.
23:53
Like the nice.
23:53
The last 90 days, 4,000 downloads, you know, my 24 turned into 4,000 downloads.
23:59
That's.
23:59
That's pretty cool.
24:01
So I'm.
24:02
I'm.
24:03
I'm grateful to you.
24:05
That's.
24:06
That's my.
24:07
That's my way of coming on here instead of saying, sorry, sorry, sorry.
24:15
And honestly, I would love to share all the stories of why I wasn't here.
24:19
To me, they're expansive.
24:21
As my mom used to say, when I was younger, I could write a book about this.
24:24
I could write a book about that, and I feel that way.
24:26
Not a book that as kids.
24:28
Well, would anyone read it?
24:29
Mom?
24:30
I could write a book about being late because you have all these reasons in your head of why it happens, and there are all these things that you want to express.
24:39
But what I really want to express to you is you're still here.
24:42
Thank you.
24:43
Thank you, thank you.
24:44
I appreciate you.
24:45
So now, I guess that was a little side sidebar there, but okay.
24:52
Another thing, not being able to pay attention when somebody's talking to you, not hearing fully.
25:00
I have a friend, Becca.
25:02
Are you still listening?
25:02
I'm going to say your name.
25:04
She listens to my podcast sometimes.
25:06
Actually, Becca is really fun.
25:08
She listened from the very beginning.
25:10
And I was told when I started my podcast to make maybe five episodes or something and then start launching it, then start promoting it.
25:17
Well, I never did promote it, and.
25:19
Well, probably not the first year, maybe I did, and I didn't know how to promote it.
25:25
I wasn't doing a good job.
25:26
But anyway, I didn't really want to promote it because I just thought, I'm still figuring out how to do this.
25:31
I'm still trying to get the sound right, and maybe trying to stay on top topic or whatever.
25:37
But I told Becca about it, and so maybe I was like 25 episodes in at the time, and.
25:42
And she started listening, and I said, don't go back to the beginning and listen to those episodes, because who knows what they sound like?
25:48
You know, I was just learning.
25:49
And she said, I have started at the beginning, and I'm going to go through all of them.
25:53
I thought that was wonderful.
25:55
But why did I bring up Becca?
25:58
Oh, is.
26:01
Is that.
26:02
Is that some.
26:03
She said that her husband questioned whether she actually needed to get a hearing test, like, if she was hard of hearing, because she doesn't always hear what.
26:13
What he's saying.
26:15
And.
26:15
And she says, I've had a hearing test before, and my hearing was fine.
26:18
But, you know, he thinks maybe I have a hearing loss.
26:21
And.
26:21
And I do have hearing loss.
26:23
So I've got the combo of the hearing loss and the attention thing, but the inattentiveness part, or the ability to have thoughts that pop up in your mind over and over and over.
26:34
Like, you know, you're popping popcorn with the air popper without the top on and without a bowl, they just go everywhere, which I just did last week.
26:41
I was talking to my husband in the kitchen, started making popcorn, turned around, forgot to put the bowl under it.
26:50
And it's not the first time, but it's been maybe a few months since I've done something like that.
26:54
Anyway, the thoughts come up, and when they do, it's really easy to stop listening to somebody, and it's not purposeful.
27:05
There's a reason for it.
27:06
Our brains zigzag like a.
27:08
Like a pinball machine.
27:10
They just do.
27:11
You know, you hit the little thing and it goes ding, ding, ding.
27:16
That can affect a friendship or relationship, too.
27:18
And when you're in school and a teacher says, pay attention.
27:23
Pay attention.
27:24
Like, don't be looking out the window.
27:27
Don't you know, you know, 1, 2, 3, eyes on me.
27:29
They didn't say that back when I was in school, but they did with.
27:32
With the kids.
27:33
Kids.
27:34
Now, I don't know if they still do, but it's 1, 2, 3, eyes on me.
27:37
And then the kids say, 1, 2, 3.
27:39
No.
27:40
Something.
27:41
Eyes on you.
27:42
I don't know, has to rhyme with two, right?
27:46
One, two, eyes on you.
27:47
I don't know.
27:48
One, two, eyes on you.
27:49
That's probably it.
27:51
But my mom said she was told when she was little that she was a daydreamer in class, and that's one of the things.
27:58
The signs of adhd.
27:59
I should.
28:00
She's here.
28:01
I.
28:01
We've talked about it before, and she's listened to my podcast and she's wondered if she has adhd, but I don't think she's ever looked at all the symptoms.
28:09
I should do that with her and have her kind of confirm.
28:13
But anyway, okay.
28:17
Messiness, disorganization.
28:20
So being disorganized doesn't mean that you're never organized or that you don't know how to organize.
28:27
You might be really good at organizing a space.
28:31
You might have some spaces in your life that are super organized.
28:34
You might go to work and your desk is completely organized, or you have a room in your house that no one else goes into and that stays organized, or nothing's organized, or your closet's organized for a while, but
28:48
life gets busy.
28:49
You come back from a trip, people come over, and then your closet looks like Mine right now, which has, you know, a few laundry baskets and who knows what's thrown on top and what's underneath.
29:03
And yeah, can get disorganized.
29:07
You could list all the reasons.
29:09
You could write a book about all the reasons.
29:11
I was busy.
29:12
Da da da da da da da da are the excuses.
29:16
I think the excuses are like, more like if you have to be accountable to somebody else, then maybe that's when it falls into the excuse category.
29:26
Or if you're purposely.
29:30
I don't know even that.
29:32
I don't think even if you're purposely doing something.
29:35
I mean, I purposely throw something on the laundry basket when I'm in a hurry, but that's my reason is I'm in a hurry.
29:42
So the impact on relationships, if you can't remember a birthday, honestly, if somebody's hurt by that, that's.
29:51
I think at this point in my life, I think you don't want them to not remember your birthday.
29:56
Right.
29:57
But how can.
29:58
How can you help what somebody remembers or not?
30:00
You know, I mean, if they're your spouse, then, yeah, you should probably remember.
30:07
But I really think my daughter's birthday was on Monday, and one of her very best friends, who's going to be a bridesmaid, sent her happy birthday the day before.
30:17
And she may have done it just to be on top of it.
30:20
And my daughter said, I wonder if she forgot my birthday.
30:22
And like that it's Monday instead of Sunday.
30:25
And then she'll see an Instagram, like posts that other people send her and then go, oh, yeah, I had it wrong.
30:31
And I said it's possible that she just thought that the 14th was Sunday.
30:35
You know, you get that in your mind or like me sometimes I'll think I have some birthdays memorized.
30:42
You know, my best friend growing up, and I know her birthday and a year or so ago, and it's actually the same day as my granddaughter, so I even remember it more.
30:54
And I.
30:54
And I'd usually, you know, text her, email her or whatever.
30:58
Usually just text.
30:59
And, you know, the old days, you'd send those birthday cards and email and stuff.
31:03
But last year, the year before, I thought about it before and then on the actual day, I thought about it, but I was too busy.
31:14
Like, I couldn't text at that moment.
31:16
And then it was a day later.
31:18
And then, and then I didn't have time to do it, you know, like.
31:20
And then you want to say, like, sorry, it's yesterday.
31:22
But then I thought, well, do you, you know, you really have to do that?
31:25
Or I might go, like, a day later.
31:26
I try not to say sorry for things like that anymore because I honestly don't care if people are still wishing me a happy birthday days later or the days before.
31:33
It makes me feel like.
31:34
Like the birthday girl for a week.
31:36
And I kind of like that.
31:37
But.
31:39
But for some reason, it went on to where it was like a month after.
31:42
And then I'm kind of embarrassed, and then I'm like, I knew it was your birthday last month.
31:47
How was it?
31:47
You know, like, it went on and on and on.
31:50
So, yeah.
31:51
So since then, last year, I mean, this actual year, when I think of my new motto is if I think of somebody's birthday two days before, the day before, week before, I'll say, I know your birthday's coming up.
32:01
Just want to wish you a happy birthday early.
32:05
And I think that helps me.
32:07
That's my little helper skill, my new tool, I guess, you know, my new method.
32:12
But I also feel like on your birthday, sometimes you get a ton of messages, and that's fun to get one when you're not having a whole bunch to read.
32:22
And, you know, just going off my own experience, I thought maybe that's okay.
32:27
But I used to sign up for those meal trains, you know, to bring somebody dinner.
32:31
And I actually used to be good at cooking and would bring people dinner and stuff.
32:36
And then years went by, who knows why, what, when, Maybe perimenopause.
32:41
You know, they say those.
32:42
Those different times that your ADHD gets worse.
32:46
But I signed up to bring dinner for my friend Stacy, who actually told me she has adhd, too.
32:54
I didn't know that.
32:55
But anyway, I.
32:56
Sometimes I think we connect with friends who are so much like us, and then later we find out we all have adhd.
33:02
But I signed up to give bring her dinner after she had her last baby.
33:08
And that night she texted me and said, are you bringing dinner tonight?
33:12
And I said, oh, my gosh, I totally forgot.
33:14
And she said, don't worry about it.
33:16
You know, we've got enough from last night or something.
33:18
And then that happened again with somebody else, like, a month or two later.
33:22
So I decided that's not gonna be my way of giving anymore.
33:25
I'm not gonna bring people dinner because, one, I hate to cook now.
33:30
And even if I do, like, pick up pizza and drop it off or something, usually that's a busy time of day.
33:35
And, like, that doesn't always work well.
33:38
So now I do something, like, offer like, hey, I'm headed to the grocery store.
33:44
Do you need me to get anything and I'll drop it off.
33:47
And then it fits into, like, what I'm doing.
33:49
And I'm not going to forget because I'm doing it.
33:52
But it's also helping them.
33:54
You know, maybe they need.
33:55
And now it's wipes or whatever.
33:57
Now people can get things delivered, but, you know, yeah, it does cost.
34:01
And sometimes you have to wait two hours before you can do it.
34:03
So I've done that.
34:04
Although my ADHD played into that once a year or so ago when I got home and realized I forgot to stop by her house and then texted and said, oh, I forgot to stop by.
34:16
I'll bring it by.
34:17
And then I realized I left her bag because I did separate things because she was gonna Venmo me.
34:23
I left her bag at Target to drive all the way back.
34:25
It's like 25 minutes.
34:27
And to drive all the way back, pick it up.
34:29
They had it at guest services, and.
34:32
And then drive to her house.
34:34
Yeah, it's hard.
34:35
Okay.
34:36
So forgetting things to do, things that you promised to do or agreed to do.
34:42
Yeah.
34:45
Do you have reasons?
34:46
Do you have excuses?
34:47
Maybe you have both.
34:47
Maybe.
34:48
However you look at it.
34:49
Right.
34:51
And that can matter to some people.
34:53
I know.
34:54
I feel some guilt.
34:56
I've blurted out things here on the podcast of I'm going to do this, and I haven't done them.
35:02
Hopefully you're okay with that.
35:04
Maybe you've forgotten that I said that.
35:06
And that's all right.
35:07
But let's see, what else do I have here?
35:13
So what about going off on tangents when you're talking?
35:18
Do you have anybody in your life who gets frustrated with that?
35:24
Especially when you do it multiple times?
35:27
My daughter said to me, mom, I can't follow you.
35:29
Like, you've.
35:30
You keep, like, adding a.
35:33
Adding a little tangent to this and then a tangent to that and stuff like that.
35:38
Some people in my life can totally follow it, and we follow each other and we do.
35:41
We do great with it.
35:43
That.
35:43
That might be a challenge.
35:45
That happens and you know your reason and you try to reel it in, but sometimes it's hard.
35:53
And also just not being able to pick up on social cues and do well, especially those who have adhd.
36:04
Sometimes the combination of autism and ADHD makes it hard to interact socially, or you get overwhelmed socially, or you might have the opposite, where you do pick up on social cues so much or have this more empathetic or
36:22
empath way where you're, like, absorbing emotions or really watching their facial expressions and then reacting, maybe misunderstanding but reacting and, and not feeling as comfortable with yourself.
36:39
Yeah, I know as a yoga teacher sometimes it's crazy because you are talking to people the whole time.
36:45
So if I have an hour class or 75 minute class or whatever, I'm talking the whole time.
36:51
Usually people just have their face, you know, like where it's not really readable because they're doing yoga.
36:58
But there are times that I might say something that's not like maybe what a yoga teacher would normally do, like show a little more personality or say something a little more, I don't know, peppy or who knows what.
37:11
Yesterday I felt like I was that way in this hot yoga class and half the people hadn't been there before.
37:18
And so I was trying to read them to see if they were enjoying it, which isn't really my responsibility, but it matters to me.
37:27
So at least it did in the moment.
37:28
I wasn't really trying to control it or anything.
37:32
But I say something and then like just a little bit more casual and I just get these glares and I think, ah, okay, maybe I won't see them again.
37:45
Maybe they don't really like my class.
37:47
Maybe they want a serious minded yoga instructor that's going to be more, you know, flowery and stuff like that.
37:53
But honestly I could be reading it wrong.
37:56
Right.
37:56
So it's hard to tell in those situations.
37:58
But when you're talking to somebody, you can usually tell, tell if they're enjoying talking to you or not and if they light up a little bit or not and try to make it nice for them if you can,
38:12
if you're a people pleaser.
38:13
So that could be another challenge with social things is being a people pleaser.
38:19
Yeah.
38:19
Emotional difficulties.
38:21
So emotional dysregulation is part of adhd.
38:25
When you add hormonal changes to that, whether you're menstruating, you have perimenopause post menopause.
38:33
During menopause it can affect your sleep, it can affect your eating, it can affect your moods or how you feel or how you take something of whether you look at somebody who's, you know, while you're teaching yoga and
38:46
they're just, they're not thinking about you, but you think they are, you know, and it might just make you, might disrupt things and, and just cause you to not feel as good as you about yourself.
39:00
So whatever emotional challenges that you might have and you might recognize, like today's not feeling, I'm not feeling as okay about things.
39:07
Like normally this wouldn't bother me, but today it is notice those times and maybe give yourself a little pause and maybe give yourself some time away from people if you can.
39:18
Some time in nature, you know, just outside or even potting a plant in your house or something.
39:24
Repotting.
39:25
I like to do stuff like that, you know, take one out of this pot and put it in a bigger pot.
39:28
It just gives me some little connection with nature.
39:33
But yeah, the financial stuff, I'm just looking at all these categories that it can show it, but the financial things can be really, really frustrating.
39:42
Frustrating everything.
39:47
And I kind of feel like with.
39:49
With adhd, sometimes we have.
39:52
We have little glimpses in our mind sometimes of something's a little off, but we don't pay attention to it.
39:59
Or we.
40:00
We.
40:00
We think of doing something, but we don't.
40:02
We can't do it in that moment.
40:03
So we might not write it down and think, I got to make sure I pay this bill today or I'm going to forget.
40:08
And you write it down, but then you lose the piece of paper or whatever.
40:11
And I've.
40:11
I've found with bills, if I need to pay them on a certain day and I'm not getting notified by them, but I don't want to pay it any earlier, they don't have auto pay.
40:19
I have a few things.
40:20
Homeowners insurance is one of them that doesn't do auto pay.
40:24
And it drives me crazy.
40:25
They used to and they don't anymore.
40:26
I thought you were relying on me.
40:28
This is making me crazy.
40:30
And you have to find out.
40:31
You have to find some kind of a tool to take care of it.
40:34
And to me, that's emailing myself.
40:35
I send myself an email on a later date that says, pay this bill.
40:40
And then it usually gets the link that they sent me from paying it the month before, and I use that to help out.
40:51
But there's.
40:51
Sometimes you have a new situation and you don't have a method.
40:56
You don't have something that, like, okay, I've learned the hard way because my homeowner's insurance got canceled and it got, you know, I had three days without it and I didn't know about it.
41:06
That's really scary.
41:07
What if something had happened to the house?
41:08
You know, all those things, or you're having to pay extra to get an inspection or, you know, been there, done that with these things lately.
41:15
It's no fun.
41:16
But.
41:18
But I had.
41:19
This wasn't really a financial thing, but it was a.
41:22
It was one of those instances where something didn't make sense in my mind and then it led to something, because I didn't really act on the little glimpses of why is this?
41:35
And instead of asking, I just thought, it'll be fine.
41:37
And then it wasn't.
41:39
And it's bigger in my mind than it really was probably.
41:43
But it still meant a lot to me because I didn't feel validated at the end of it.
41:47
But on my daughter's birthday on Monday, we went out to breakfast, lunch, brunch, breakfast menu, 11 o'.
41:55
Clock.
41:55
So.
41:57
And I have been to this restaurant twice before, and I won't say what it is, but it is a chain.
42:01
I've been to this restaurant twice before and I liked it.
42:05
I think their breakfasts are really good.
42:06
My daughter loves it, so I like it.
42:08
I don't know that I love it.
42:10
It's a little salty to me, but I have my taste buds and stuff got messed up with COVID so I know that I could be off it.
42:18
But anyway, so she wants to go to this restaurant for her birthday.
42:22
So we go there.
42:24
I get there first, and I like, really on top of it.
42:27
I'm not gonna frustrate either of my daughters.
42:30
I'm gonna get there early and not, you know, like, if I say we're gonna get there at 11:15, I'll get there.
42:36
Like, shoot for getting to the parking lot by 11.
42:39
And by 1105, like, we were walking in, My mom and I were walking in, and so I had never been there where you had to reserve a table.
42:46
Usually when I've been there.
42:48
The two other times, it was pretty empty and we just were seated right away.
42:53
So it was pretty full in there, all these people around.
42:56
But I thought when it's my turn, I'll go up and say, you know, we need a table.
43:01
And I don't know if they do pre reservations or anything, but I just said, you know, I don't have a reservation, but I'm going to have a group of four.
43:09
So she said, what's your name?
43:10
How many people in your party?
43:12
What's your phone number?
43:13
So the question in my mind that I should have acted on, but part of me is like, I don't want to seem rude to other people.
43:20
Like, why do you want my phone number?
43:22
But I could have asked her, right?
43:23
I could have asked her.
43:24
But I have that part of me that wants to make things as smooth as possible and not sound like I'm like, why do you want my phone number?
43:32
I know a lot of people that.
43:33
That would not face them to ask.
43:35
But for me, I felt like I was being nicer by not asking, but.
43:40
So I didn't say that, but I thought, well, maybe, you know, like, everyone wants to do marketing now.
43:45
They're going to get some texts and then I'll opt out later, you know, like with some special next week or something, you know.
43:51
Anyway, so.
43:54
So I gave her my name, gave her the thing, and gave her my phone number.
43:56
And then I sat down and my mom and I talked and the whole entryway was really busy.
44:03
And then both my daughters walked up and.
44:07
And I was gonna.
44:08
Here's the other thing is I thought, check your.
44:11
Go to your texts and say.
44:13
And write to them and just say, you know, we've already checked in and we're just waiting for a table.
44:18
But I thought, well, they know that I.
44:19
I said it was.
44:20
I was gonna get there early and.
44:21
And get a table.
44:22
But I thought they'll see us.
44:24
Like, I don't have to tell em.
44:24
We're in the waiting area.
44:26
And so I did not look at my text.
44:28
And I had my Apple Watch on, which it can be helpful when you have adhd.
44:33
But I didn't realize it didn't sit on the charger.
44:34
Right.
44:35
So it wasn't even pinging for a text because it wasn't charged.
44:38
I did not know that, though.
44:40
So anyway, so I did have like an insurance policy, but that didn't help.
44:44
Anyway, so I always have my sound off on my phone unless I'm expecting a call because I will forget to turn it off when I'm teaching yoga.
44:53
And so I just.
44:55
I just don't do it or some other time that's important.
44:57
So anyway, so we're sitting there and then they come probably closer to 1115 and maybe a little bit early, and then.
45:08
And by then all the people in front of us had gone to be seated.
45:11
And I always like to get a booth if I can.
45:13
And after them, like, it was just packed and, you know, like, people kept coming in, coming in.
45:20
And I told him, I said, we're the next one.
45:22
So, like, this should go.
45:24
I'm glad we got here when we did because look at how many people are.
45:27
And we're all like squished and stuff.
45:28
So we talk a bit, we talk a little bit.
45:30
And I'm thinking, oh, it's taking a little while.
45:32
They took a few other people, but I thought, well, maybe they had, like, I saw they had some tables that could seat eight or something like that.
45:38
I thought maybe they gave those tables to somebody else.
45:41
Well, pretty soon everything's cleared out.
45:44
And it's just us.
45:45
And I turned to them and I said, everyone who came in after us, seated before us, I wonder if, like, did they all have different parties that weren't for.
45:53
And my daughter said, well, did you get a text from them?
45:57
And I said, what do you mean?
45:57
And she said, they text you when your table's ready.
46:00
And I said, I didn't know that.
46:02
And she said, like, how do you not know that you've been here before?
46:04
And I said, because I never had to wait for a table before.
46:08
So I look and I have.
46:09
Sure enough, I have a text that had come in almost 15 minutes earlier.
46:12
Like, at this time, it's 11:23.
46:14
Which my daughters didn't wait that long.
46:15
But I.
46:16
I looked and we.
46:17
I actually could have gotten a table at like, nine after.
46:22
And so we.
46:23
We just kept sitting there because I didn't know and I didn't ask.
46:28
And even when everybody else went out before me, I thought, I guess I'll go ask, you know, like, but they'll call my name, you know.
46:37
But then my daughter told me, no, they send you a text.
46:39
And I said, oh, I didn't know.
46:40
You know, Like, I don't.
46:42
I don't.
46:42
I didn't know.
46:43
That's what they do.
46:44
So I went up and had the text and went to tell the hostess, but she was turned talking to somebody else, maybe ringing up their ticket or something.
46:52
So the manager came, and I said, I got a text a while ago, but I didn't.
46:57
I didn't know.
46:58
Like, no one told me.
47:00
Like, I didn't know you're supposed to send texts.
47:02
I said, we've been sitting here a long time.
47:04
And he said, yeah, we sent a text.
47:06
And I said, well, I.
47:07
I don't hear very well.
47:08
And, like, the truth is I'm deaf in this ear.
47:10
But I just said, I don't hear very well.
47:11
So if she told me that, I didn't hear it.
47:14
You know, sometimes, like, when I think I'm done, and I didn't explain all this, but when I think I'm done talking to someone, if they said, if she said something like, you'll get a text, I might have been
47:24
looking down, like, oh, turning to walk away, you know, So I don't know, I miss a lot.
47:28
I said, I might have missed it, but did.
47:30
Did they even call out my name?
47:32
And he said, no, we don't do that because we don't want to make the noise of.
47:36
Of, like, same people's names.
47:38
And I said, well, that would be helpful, like, if somebody doesn't come up for a long time to have another way of contacting him.
47:45
And he said, well, you're supposed to check your.
47:46
And I said, but I didn't know I was supposed to check my text.
47:49
And he said, I never have my ringer on.
47:52
So here I am giving him my reasons, right?
47:55
And he's probably just thinking, just do what you're supposed to do and you'll know to come up.
47:58
And he was not nice about it.
48:00
I could tell I was bugging him.
48:03
And I was trying to be nice, but he was bugging me.
48:06
So.
48:08
And I said, even if you just had a sign, you know, because honestly, with the adhd, I feel like we're resourceful, right?
48:13
We like.
48:13
Like, okay, if.
48:14
If something didn't work, what would help it work?
48:17
You know, saying my name.
48:19
And maybe they're not keeping track of who's.
48:21
Who's still there or who's been called 10 plus minutes before.
48:27
But I said, even if you just had a sign in the waiting area that said watch for a text for your table, I said, that would be helpful.
48:35
And he said, it's in the text.
48:37
I thought, okay, you're not working with me.
48:39
So he, you know, he's just kind of like, just follow me or gone.
48:42
And I said, are there any booths open?
48:44
And he said, no.
48:45
And so he took us to a table.
48:47
He said it was a half booth.
48:48
So it was like my daughter and I had the booth side and there were chairs on the other side.
48:54
But I was having a hard time because I thought, I'm not being validated.
49:00
I'm not being shown any.
49:04
Like, we're sorry that you waited longer than you needed to.
49:09
Sorry you didn't know the system.
49:12
Honestly, I take a lot of responsibility, but I think as the manager, you know, he could have been nicer.
49:20
And anyway, so, yeah, so that's.
49:24
It can be hard because I'm sitting there, I'm knowing this is one of the frustrations of adhd.
49:31
Not.
49:33
Not really thinking things through very well or, like, I was overstimulated.
49:40
It was noisy when I walked in.
49:42
And.
49:44
And then I.
49:45
The emotional regulation of it, I got heightened by it.
49:48
And I was having a hard time coming down because I didn't feel validated.
49:52
Anyway, I think that was more than anything.
49:55
I don't think waiting any longer was a problem.
49:57
I think that sitting there with them, like, we still had fun.
50:02
My daughter didn't have to get back to school.
50:04
She thought she was going to.
50:05
None of that mattered.
50:07
I just felt like he was dismissing me and not, like, not showing any compassion or.
50:16
Or any respect.
50:20
And I was trying to be respectful.
50:21
But anyway, yeah, it can be hard because I'm.
50:25
I'm wanting to feel like, like.
50:29
Like somebody cares about the situation.
50:33
And no one really seemed to.
50:35
They're kind of like, sorry, this.
50:36
Like, everyone else knows.
50:37
Why don't.
50:38
You know?
50:38
And I said, you know, I've been here before, but I've never been seated before.
50:41
I didn't know this was a thing.
50:43
And there was never, oh, we didn't realize.
50:45
Or, yeah, you know, it was more like, just read your text.
50:49
I'm kind of like, okay, thank you for nothing.
50:52
But anyway, it's just one person.
50:53
So I tried to do all these things to bring my emotions back to baseline, right?
50:57
Because they've gone up, and I'm trying to bring it down.
51:00
And the new, like, the server came.
51:03
She was really nice.
51:04
And so I'm thinking, okay, I'm in a nice environment.
51:06
The food's gonna be pretty good, maybe a little salty.
51:09
And I'm with my daughter on her birthday.
51:12
Like, you need to mellow out.
51:13
You need to make this nice for her.
51:16
And you cannot talk about it anymore.
51:17
Because I wanted to talk about it.
51:20
I wanted to be able to vent in some way.
51:25
Like, I can't believe, you know, he was not very kind to us, but they.
51:31
They weren't affected by it.
51:32
I was.
51:33
And.
51:35
And I knew that if I kept going, I knew I couldn't control how I felt inside, but I could control my behavior.
51:42
And so that's what I did, is I just tried.
51:44
Well, I did.
51:45
I just told myself, you can't say anything more about this to your daughter.
51:48
You need to switch gears here.
51:50
And I had a gift.
51:52
We're actually celebrating her birthday tonight, but I had a gift from my oldest daughter who doesn't live here.
51:56
And I said, do you want to open the gift now?
51:58
And.
51:59
And she did, and put the attention on her and took it away from my.
52:04
My emotional situation.
52:07
But it can be hard.
52:09
It can be hard when.
52:12
When you have a hard time learning something else, when you have a hard time noticing that other people all get it and you don't.
52:18
And sometimes you recognize other people get it, and you don't.
52:21
Like, people are explaining things or whatever, and you just can't pay attention to all that.
52:27
I'm surprised I didn't drop something and spill something on the way, because that happens all the time, too, when I'm frustrated.
52:33
Anyway.
52:34
Oh, my.
52:34
Gosh how many minutes am I on right here?
52:37
Let me.
52:37
Can I make this bigger?
52:40
It's been a while since I've been on here.
52:42
Clearly, I am grateful that the sound in here is good.
52:45
A lot of times I have to do things to like, make it not echoey, but there's some curtains in this room.
52:52
If you're on YouTube, I can show you.
52:53
It's probably not too dirty.
52:55
And show you the piano.
52:56
Oh, there's.
52:58
Can you see that?
52:59
My mouth probably got cute closer.
53:01
We have a big piano in here that my son bought when we moved here.
53:04
And if you're watching.
53:05
So there's this guitar in the corner.
53:08
It's called a.
53:10
Oops.
53:11
It's called a bouzouki, and it's a Greek guitar.
53:14
We went to Greece, my first time out of the country.
53:18
I don't know what year it was.
53:20
I'd have to look at my Google Doc because I make Google Docs to keep track of my life.
53:24
But we went to Greece and I have a good friend that did my yoga teacher training with me that's from Athens.
53:30
And one of the things we did on the last day was go to a little guitar shop where they hand make them.
53:37
And it's like, if you turn it, it's.
53:40
Oh, it's really big in the back.
53:42
It's really pretty.
53:43
And so my husband said we should buy a guitar.
53:45
Do I play the guitar?
53:46
No, but my sons do.
53:48
And this one has extra strings, and it's got eight strings.
53:53
And that was one of the things that I loved.
53:56
When we walked around.
53:57
There is.
53:57
There would be people sitting on the street, you know, playing their music and put money in the thing.
54:01
And I love the sound of their music and their singing.
54:04
So I thought that's like bringing some of that back.
54:06
Although when my sons have played it, they haven't really played Greek songs.
54:11
So that is it for today.
54:14
Thank you so much for being here.
54:18
I know I say it a lot because I think it a lot.
54:20
I feel it deep in my heart.
54:22
I will be back again.
54:24
My goal is to record multiple episodes that I can have if I'm not able to come on every week.
54:31
So that you get an episode every week.
54:33
The challenge is when I make them, I have a hard time.
54:36
You know, the impulse control part is I have a hard time not just sharing them.
54:39
Then, you know, like, well, I'll have to do this week.
54:41
Or I'll, like, I'll just do one this Monday or whatever.
54:45
It's like, I have a gift.
54:46
I want to share it.
54:47
It's what it feels like.
54:48
I hope it feels like a gift to you.
54:50
But thank you so much for being here.
54:51
I will be back again and I guess that's it.
54:56
Hope things go well for you today and all week long.
54:59
Bye.
55:01
Help other women find the show Rate Review Share with someone you know Help other women find my show Rate Review Share with someone you know Hurry before you forget Open windows Broken shadow Frozen dreams are left for tomorrow.
55:38
Time for a.
55:53
Rewind I run out of time to sing melodies and harmonies I'm cut short the silence of sound has yet been found but not by me.