Latest / Dots and Dreams / Episode 1: I Got Everything I Ever Wanted. So Why Can't I Enjoy It?

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Episode 1: I Got Everything I Ever Wanted. So Why Can't I Enjoy It? · Dots and Dreams

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SPEAKER_00: Have you ever wanted something so badly,
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SPEAKER_00: almost to the point of obsession,
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SPEAKER_00: in that it becomes the only thing you think about,
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SPEAKER_00: the only thing you talk about?
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SPEAKER_00: Everyone in your circle telling you, you're obsessed.
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Everything you do is around this dream,
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this thing that you just have to make happen.
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SPEAKER_00: And then something really cool happens.
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SPEAKER_00: You actually achieve it.
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You make it happen whatever you wanted you get it but you're so
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busy living life
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that you don't even notice you don't even take the time because
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you don't realize
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SPEAKER_00: that it happened.
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SPEAKER_00: That thing for me was France.
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SPEAKER_00: Actually,
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SPEAKER_00: more specifically,
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SPEAKER_00: living in France,
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SPEAKER_00: getting a French passport,
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SPEAKER_00: building a life in France.
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I was obsessed,
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and after 20 years,
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I got my French citizenship in December of 2024.
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SPEAKER_00: It was 20 years in the making, and yet I didn't feel a thing.
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When they handed me my passport,
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that one I dreamt of,
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I did not feel a thing.
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SPEAKER_00: How is that possible?
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SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Dots and Dreams,
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a podcast about the real vulnerable and my sometimes in the
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moment stories of life
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SPEAKER_00: transitions.
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I'm Jenny Sidorova and I've been an immigrant,
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marketer,
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mother,
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and a serial reinventor.
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And today we're talking about what happens when you achieve
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your biggest dream and feel nothing.
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SPEAKER_00: It might seem totally normal.
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SPEAKER_00: Like, this happens to everyone.
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SPEAKER_00: We want something.
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SPEAKER_00: We go for it.
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SPEAKER_00: We make it happen.
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SPEAKER_00: We move on.
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SPEAKER_00: Nobody stops to celebrate their dreams.
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SPEAKER_00: But have you ever actually stopped to think about the cost of that?
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SPEAKER_00: The cost of not recognizing that thing you achieved?
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SPEAKER_00: The dream you set out to conquer?
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SPEAKER_00: No, you probably didn't.
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We don't live in societies that encourage us to pause and smell
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the roses.
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SPEAKER_00: We live in a world where it's go, go, go.
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SPEAKER_00: You made a dream happen?
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SPEAKER_00: Great.
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SPEAKER_00: Move on to the next one.
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SPEAKER_00: You spent money on this?
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SPEAKER_00: Great.
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SPEAKER_00: You should now be wanting
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I'm surrounded by nature and beauty and I don't take the time
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to celebrate my wins.
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SPEAKER_00: Forget celebrating myself.
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I mean,
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what mother of two small kids actually carves out time to
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celebrate herself?
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SPEAKER_00: We should all be doing it, but we are not.
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SPEAKER_00: The thing is,
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SPEAKER_00: though,
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when you actually forget to celebrate the version of yourself
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that does the work to
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SPEAKER_00: get to where you are to achieve your dreams,
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SPEAKER_00: you miss out on something really important.
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SPEAKER_00: That's how we build confidence.
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SPEAKER_00: That's how we show ourselves that we can do things.
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SPEAKER_00: We can climb mountains.
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SPEAKER_00: We really can do anything we set our minds to do.
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SPEAKER_00: But we have to remember that.
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And if we undermine achieving our dreams,
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well then,
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what's the point of dreaming?
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SPEAKER_00: I experienced this when I got my French passport.
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I forgot the version of myself who sets out on a goal and
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ambitiously does
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SPEAKER_00: everything in her life to get to that goal.
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My journey to get my French citizenship was a long one filled
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with many zigzags.
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SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to tell you that story.
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SPEAKER_00: I can't really pinpoint to what exactly led me to Paris.
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SPEAKER_00: I think it might have something to do with my grandfather.
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I spent a lot of time with him in high school,
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and he was really into history.
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He was always showing me books with beautiful architecture in
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Italy and France and
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SPEAKER_00: South America.
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SPEAKER_00: And he just was the embodiment of sophistication.
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SPEAKER_00: But he was my grandpa, so I didn't really see him that way.
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SPEAKER_00: To me, it was just normal that he liked all those things.
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He never explicitly said anything to me about Paris,
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but something made me wonder.
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I went to study French in high school as my second language and
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I did go to see the
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Amélie Poulain movie in a movie theater in San Francisco I went
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to see it with one
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of my best friends who has always been a major supporter of my
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what would become
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obsession with Paris we went to see it and I just walked out of
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that movie theater
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SPEAKER_00: eyes sparkling and told her
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I'm going there I'm gonna go study abroad so I knew going into
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university that I
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really wanted to study abroad so I went and it just felt like
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the first time in my
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life that my expectations were exceeded the dream that I had in
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my head of Paris
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from movies books whatever it was even better in person and I
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remember feeling like
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SPEAKER_00: that was the first time I felt
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SPEAKER_00: The reality exceeded my expectations.
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So what was it really about Paris that took me from I'm an
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exchange student here to
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SPEAKER_00: this is an obsession.
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SPEAKER_00: This is a dream.
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SPEAKER_00: Picture this.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm 21.
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SPEAKER_00: I just arrived.
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SPEAKER_00: I spent the first two months getting settled.
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SPEAKER_00: I arrived in June, which is before the wave of exchange students.
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SPEAKER_00: So I didn't know a soul and I didn't really have a
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SPEAKER_00: So, it's Paris.
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SPEAKER_00: It's summer.
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SPEAKER_00: It's quiet.
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SPEAKER_00: I found an apartment.
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SPEAKER_00: It was tiny.
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you literally can open the couch which was also the bed and it
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touches the wall the
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shower I remember was hilarious it had like a step so you can
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sit down I was like
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are they trying to make this a bathtub but I can't actually lay
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in here but it was
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mine I was by myself in my tiny 15 square meters flat walking
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distance to Notre
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SPEAKER_00: Dame in the fifth arrondissement I mean it was a dream
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SPEAKER_00: I spent my time getting to know Paris.
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SPEAKER_00: It's 2005.
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SPEAKER_00: There are no smartphones.
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SPEAKER_00: There were no Google Maps on my Nokia.
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SPEAKER_00: So I got to know Paris the old-fashioned way.
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SPEAKER_00: I had one of those old books.
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SPEAKER_00: I had to look up the street name, the page number, look at the mini-map.
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It was glorious because I learned Paris in a way that I would
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never learn another city.
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So I can't really pinpoint one moment where my dream was
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vividly forming.
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The first one was just like this general sensation of thinking
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of my grandfather
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SPEAKER_00: because those things he just happened to love,
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SPEAKER_00: architecture,
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SPEAKER_00: history,
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SPEAKER_00: jazz,
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SPEAKER_00: well they were everywhere in Paris.
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SPEAKER_00: Everywhere you walked, it was the embodiment of sophistication.
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SPEAKER_00: I just could not get over how
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SPEAKER_00: fancy Paris felt to me.
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And so I thought a lot about him and the fact that he must have
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influenced my
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SPEAKER_00: decision to go to Paris,
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and he must have been part of the influence of how much I was
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enjoying it.
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Another specific moment that I remember is my first outing to
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the Rodin Museum.
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SPEAKER_00: Picture this.
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SPEAKER_00: It's summer.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm wearing a dress and ballerinas because this is 2005.
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People dressed up just to go about their life,
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something I significantly miss today.
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I was going to the museum I bought my ticket that was like I
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don't know nine euros
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because museums in Paris are so cheap for people under 26 I
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walk into the museum I
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knew a little bit about the sculptor Rodin because I've been to
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the Legion of
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of Honor Museum in San Francisco which has some of his work so
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I was really excited
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you can imagine that I like this artist but never did I imagine
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finding myself
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walking through hall after hall room after room of so much of
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his work his sketches
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from his earlier days sculptures that I'd never seen and
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there's so much movement
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SPEAKER_00: in his work there's so much romance it's so beautiful it's so Paris
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the rooms themselves were stunning some of the rooms had gold
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moldings on the
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ceiling it was just one of those like what is this moments and
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then I'm stepping
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outside I have the museum building to my back I'm standing on
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these stairs and I
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see these beautifully manicured gardens I see a cafe to my
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right a giant fountain
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Splashing again sun is shining I see his artworks the bigger
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pieces the huge
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sculptures like the thinker those massive gates of hell I
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believe they're called
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and I just I see them behind the trees and I just think to
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myself where am I how is
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SPEAKER_00: this even available to me I turn around and
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SPEAKER_00: and the building, the museum, it's like chateau-esque.
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SPEAKER_00: It feels like a castle.
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SPEAKER_00: And I just remember feeling so privileged.
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I couldn't believe that I was there and that I had access to
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this extreme beauty.
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And that feeling of privilege really made me feel like I was
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touching something I've
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SPEAKER_00: Never Had Available In Front Of Me To Touch
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I want to be French I want to have dual citizenship I want to
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build a life here I
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don't think I was verbalizing it with those words but those
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were the beginnings of
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SPEAKER_00: that dream forming in my mind for sure
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Access to that kind of beauty just felt surreal to me because I
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grew up in San Francisco.
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SPEAKER_00: There are no gold moldings there.
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SPEAKER_00: It is a stunning city, one of my favorites today.
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SPEAKER_00: No place fills my cup like San Francisco.
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SPEAKER_00: It is a very specific type of cup filling.
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SPEAKER_00: But there are no gold moldings.
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And at the age of 21,
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I think what I needed in my life were gold moldings.
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So I just had this feeling of having access to something that
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felt like in the U.S.
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SPEAKER_00: where I was from,
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SPEAKER_00: there was no access to that,
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SPEAKER_00: at least not unless you're super privileged or wealthy.
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SPEAKER_00: So something felt very accessible about Paris,
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which of course is funny because it's not how I would describe
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it today as an adult
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SPEAKER_00: who
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lived there many times worked there this was a very unique
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moment in my life and it
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feels extremely warm and fuzzy to remember it right now I just
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want to take a quick
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pause because there's one thing that is essential when going
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through a big change
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and reinventing oneself and that's journaling but I want to
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tell you about a
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SPEAKER_00: specific journal
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One that a dear friend sent me when I was living in San
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Francisco This journal
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helped me pave the path to what would be next The Happiness
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Planner This isn't just
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any journal This is a reminder that only 10% of happiness is
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circumstantial The
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SPEAKER_00: rest is up to us It's a journal that helps with happiness,
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SPEAKER_00: dreams to come,
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SPEAKER_00: and really just getting shit done
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I'll paste the link in the notes,
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but I highly recommend checking it out.
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SPEAKER_00: This is not an ad.
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It's just something I wanted to share with you as it has helped
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me make my dreams happen.
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SPEAKER_00: So, back to my obsession with Paris.
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SPEAKER_00: Of course,
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a lot would happen in my life between the ages of 21 when I
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started to have this
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SPEAKER_00: dream and 41 when I got my French passport.
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SPEAKER_00: The 20 years it would take to become French and get to
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SPEAKER_00: this reality were filled with a lot of things.
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SPEAKER_00: I'd go back to Paris to get my master's.
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SPEAKER_00: Then I'd get kicked out of Paris because I couldn't find a work sponsor.
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SPEAKER_00: I'd move to New York,
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SPEAKER_00: meet my now French husband in New York,
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SPEAKER_00: fall in love,
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SPEAKER_00: have a very dramatic breakup,
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SPEAKER_00: move to San Francisco at the age of 30,
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SPEAKER_00: and
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finally achieved the dream of living and working in Paris by
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moving there at the
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SPEAKER_00: age of 33 and working for L'Oreal.
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SPEAKER_00: That was probably when
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The smell of this dream started to feel possible I'd also
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re-fall in love with Max,
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SPEAKER_00: who I eventually married We'd have two kids,
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SPEAKER_00: end up moving to the southwest of France I'd quit L'Oreal,
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SPEAKER_00: I'd find a new job,
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I'd lose that job I'd finally get my French citizenship and not
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feel a thing So all
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SPEAKER_00: of that was 20 years in the making
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I got laid off from what was my dream job probably two weeks
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before I got my French
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SPEAKER_00: citizenship.
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SPEAKER_00: So let's just say I was really preoccupied.
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SPEAKER_00: When I went to that mayor's office to get my passport,
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SPEAKER_00: My mind was definitely elsewhere.
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SPEAKER_00: I was with my dad.
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SPEAKER_00: I'm walking out of the mayor's office.
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SPEAKER_00: It's December in Saint-Jean-de-Luz where I live.
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SPEAKER_00: There aren't a lot of people.
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SPEAKER_00: It was not raining, but it was not warm.
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SPEAKER_00: A bit gray.
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SPEAKER_00: The bay was very calm.
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SPEAKER_00: So we said, let's go walk along the bay.
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SPEAKER_00: Let's go get a cup of coffee.
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SPEAKER_00: And my dad looks at me and he tells me, how do you feel?
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SPEAKER_00: Congratulations.
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SPEAKER_00: And I thought, I don't feel anything.
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SPEAKER_00: I mean, great.
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SPEAKER_00: I finally have this passport.
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SPEAKER_00: I should have shed a tear.
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SPEAKER_00: This is 20 years in the making.
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SPEAKER_00: And I did it.
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SPEAKER_00: I made it happen.
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SPEAKER_00: But instead, I felt disappointed.
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SPEAKER_00: I felt empty, sad, lonely, really exhausted.
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It's like getting my citizenship sparked what I missed,
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not what I gained.
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SPEAKER_00: I immediately thought about, I lost my job.
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SPEAKER_00: How am I going to figure out what's next?
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I was already lucky to have the fully remote job I had living
15:08
where I live.
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SPEAKER_00: Now I lost it.
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SPEAKER_00: So we walked along the beach for a long time and instead of feeling joy,
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SPEAKER_00: I felt resentment for everything I sacrificed to get here.
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I felt a deep sadness of not having close friends nearby to
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celebrate with.
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SPEAKER_00: A lot of pain.
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SPEAKER_00: Because the thing is when we build our dreams,
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SPEAKER_00: when we conceive them,
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we don't necessarily think about all of the things we give up
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to make them happen.
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We don't necessarily think about the reality of what achieving
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those dreams means.
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SPEAKER_00: We just live our lives.
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SPEAKER_00: We try to make it happen.
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SPEAKER_00: And I think when I got my French passport, I was really aware of that.
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SPEAKER_00: I felt really tired because I had two small kids under four.
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SPEAKER_00: Lena had just turned four.
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SPEAKER_00: Victor was not even one.
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SPEAKER_00: And I felt alone because I was living really far from everyone.
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I had my husband,
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my kids and my parents,
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which is,
16:11
you know,
16:12
the most important thing.
16:13
But there are a lot of people that I love that live really far
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who I never get to see.
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So there were like all these big moments actually missed in
16:22
France from the people
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SPEAKER_00: I love and it was as if getting the passport underlined that.
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No one to throw the I'm French party with that I kind of
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imagined always throwing
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SPEAKER_00: when I would become French.
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SPEAKER_00: So
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It was a hard feeling and I think that something deeper was
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happening I think I
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needed more than a physical passport to be able to celebrate It
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was like I needed
16:48
to fall back in love with France and remember what even took me
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there in the
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SPEAKER_00: beginning Why all the effort?
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Why did I pick this country and not one of the other 30 plus
17:00
countries I've visited in my life?
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SPEAKER_00: Because there are definitely other places I've absolutely adored
17:08
SPEAKER_00: But to be honest,
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I didn't know what I needed in that moment I just knew how big
17:13
it was that I was
17:14
holding a French and European passport in my hand I was aware
17:18
that this had been my
17:19
SPEAKER_00: dream And I was aware that it wasn't normal to be feeling so empty and
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SPEAKER_00: uncelebratory about it
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But here's the thing You're really lucky if you can build your
17:32
life with someone
17:34
who knows exactly what you need before you have even identified
17:39
the problem who
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knows what the solution is and that's what Max is to me that is
17:46
exactly what he
17:47
SPEAKER_00: does for me he is constantly bringing me solutions to problems I have not
17:51
identified it's like he can feel it he knew that I needed to
17:55
get back to the roots
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SPEAKER_00: He is someone who really cares about celebrating things,
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SPEAKER_00: marking the moment,
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taking the time He lives better in the present than I do I tend
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to have one foot in
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SPEAKER_00: the past and one in the future So I kind of need the reminder that,
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SPEAKER_00: hey,
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SPEAKER_00: we need to pause and be in the present if we're going to enjoy life
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SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's a female thing.
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I did a pulse check with some close friends and it definitely
18:25
seems like we women
18:26
SPEAKER_00: are always steering the ship forward.
18:29
SPEAKER_00: We're definitely focused on the future.
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SPEAKER_00: I am also a Capricorn and we are very future oriented planners, etc.
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The nostalgia part and the melancholy part of thinking of the
18:40
past,
18:41
I think that's just more me.
18:43
SPEAKER_00: That's just like more my Ukrainian old soul lover of gold moldings.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: But I do recognize,
18:51
SPEAKER_00: especially now at the age of 42,
18:54
that it's often by focusing on the present that we are even
18:58
allowed to fully feel
19:01
true joy or satisfaction or accomplishment It's living in the
19:05
moment that we can
19:06
SPEAKER_00: relish what we achieve
19:10
SPEAKER_00: So thanks to Max,
19:13
I took the time to celebrate this dream and really think about
19:18
what it meant to
19:18
SPEAKER_00: accomplish it.
19:20
How I did that was he planned a small celebratory dinner for
19:25
me,
19:25
just the two of us.
19:26
And even though it was just the two of us,
19:28
it felt really important to mark the moment.
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SPEAKER_00: It was really simple.
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SPEAKER_00: We got my favorite champagne, which is Ruinart Blanc de Blanc.
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SPEAKER_00: It's really expensive, so we absolutely don't usually get it.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: We also got duck mousse,
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SPEAKER_00: truffled sausage,
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SPEAKER_00: cheeses,
19:46
SPEAKER_00: the soft creamy ones with extra butter,
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SPEAKER_00: smoked salmon,
19:51
SPEAKER_00: really good bread,
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SPEAKER_00: baguette,
19:52
SPEAKER_00: but also bread with nuts inside
19:55
SPEAKER_00: We just got the basics because those are the basics in France.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: And that in itself is a reason why I love France,
20:02
SPEAKER_00: because you can go to Lidl,
20:03
SPEAKER_00: which is the cheap grocery store during Christmas time,
20:06
SPEAKER_00: and they have foie gras too.
20:08
SPEAKER_00: It's just like France really knows the importance of l'art de vivre.
20:15
So Max and I really took the time to actually recognize that,
20:19
to have that moment together.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: We made some toasts.
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SPEAKER_00: We cheered.
20:22
SPEAKER_00: We put the passport on the table with us.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: So it was kind of like the third guest.
20:28
SPEAKER_00: But it also really reminded me why I fell in love with France.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: That dinner felt like the beginning of a bigger process.
20:37
It forced me to take the time and pause and look back and
20:43
remember the journey.
20:47
There's that quote,
20:48
it's not about the destination,
20:49
it's the journey that counts.
20:52
SPEAKER_00: It's true.
20:53
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's true.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: The destination is what helps us look back on the journey,
20:58
SPEAKER_00: but it truly is the journey that gives us all the feelings.
21:04
And for me specifically at this moment in my life,
21:07
it gave me confidence.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: It gave me pride.
21:10
I felt like the freaking badass that I am because I made this
21:14
huge dream happen.
21:16
SPEAKER_00: Having got laid off two weeks prior,
21:18
I can tell you I was definitely in a place where confidence was
21:22
not in abundance.
21:25
Reminding myself simply that I'm someone who sets out to
21:28
achieve her dreams wasn't
21:30
SPEAKER_00: just huge,
21:31
SPEAKER_00: it was necessary.
21:34
So I found myself really carving out time to be alone which was
21:38
not something I did
21:39
a lot of especially as a mother of small kids I did not carve
21:44
out time for myself
21:45
SPEAKER_00: back then
21:47
But I forced myself to do so and I looked at some old albums
21:51
and pictures from that
21:52
time in my life I thought about what I accomplished career-wise
21:57
The decisions I
21:58
made with the subconscious dream of getting back to Paris The
22:02
questions I asked
22:03
myself at the age of 33 in San Francisco Near my comfort zone
22:08
Accepting the job
22:10
SPEAKER_00: with L'Oreal How difficult that job was I remembered all these things
22:15
SPEAKER_00: Kind of like the pain I suffered to get to this moment.
22:19
I saw all the great accomplishments that I did outside of
22:23
getting this passport,
22:25
SPEAKER_00: all the effort that led to it.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: So part of it was about me, but part of it was about France itself.
22:32
SPEAKER_00: At some point when you're living in a place, you just...
22:36
End Up Living There You Stop Dreaming About It The Gold
22:40
Moldings Become Normal
22:41
Because They're In So Many Places You Stop Appreciating Them
22:45
And The Reasons For
22:47
Why I Loved France They Transformed Over The Years From Naive
22:55
21-Year-Old Student
22:57
SPEAKER_00: Complete Freedom
22:59
So I also appreciated things that I probably took for granted
23:08
because I had been
23:08
SPEAKER_00: living here for six years by the time I got my passport.
23:14
I stopped to appreciate and remember things like the French
23:18
healthcare system.
23:19
SPEAKER_00: I've had two maternity leaves here with zero debt.
23:23
SPEAKER_00: Ain't that the shit when you're American?
23:26
SPEAKER_00: I stopped to appreciate the French education system,
23:29
SPEAKER_00: which I may or may not love it,
23:32
SPEAKER_00: but my daughter goes to a private school and
23:36
SPEAKER_00: It's 200 euros a month.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: I'm from San Francisco.
23:39
Can you imagine what I would be paying for her school if I was
23:42
living there?
23:43
My son goes to an amazing micro crèche,
23:46
which is a daycare of smaller groups.
23:50
SPEAKER_00: I would never afford these things.
23:51
SPEAKER_00: I thought about French food and not just the part that it's delicious,
23:57
SPEAKER_00: which is what I loved in my early 20s,
24:00
SPEAKER_00: but where it comes from,
24:01
SPEAKER_00: the produce,
24:02
SPEAKER_00: how it's grown,
24:03
SPEAKER_00: the markets.
24:04
There's just such a different approach to food here,
24:06
and you don't have to travel far to see it.
24:09
SPEAKER_00: The landscape in this country was
24:11
every region is so different and so rich some of them even have
24:15
their own dialects
24:16
their own specific architecture their own regional food
24:19
France's appreciation for
24:21
all things artistic because it's not for nothing and it's no
24:25
coincidence that there
24:26
SPEAKER_00: is
24:27
SPEAKER_00: So of course I can name these things looking back.
24:32
SPEAKER_00: I can see the evolution of how my love for Paris transformed.
24:37
SPEAKER_00: I can see all of this grit that I had, this resilience.
24:42
SPEAKER_00: I can see all these things.
24:44
SPEAKER_00: Now.
24:45
And that's the beauty of being able to connect the dots to this
24:49
big dream.
24:50
And I highly encourage people to pause and just connect the
24:55
dots to the things they
24:56
SPEAKER_00: accomplish and how they got there.
24:59
I needed to take the time to remind myself of these things
25:04
because they had left me.
25:07
SPEAKER_00: Where I was in my life,
25:08
SPEAKER_00: by the time I achieved it,
25:11
SPEAKER_00: it was really actually preventing me from appreciating it.
25:14
SPEAKER_00: Getting laid off at the age of almost 41 was a huge blow.
25:19
SPEAKER_00: And I needed the confidence boost more than ever.
25:23
SPEAKER_00: I didn't really know it when I was going through the process.
25:27
SPEAKER_00: But again, looking back, it's very clear that
25:32
Getting confidence and having pride thanks to the process that
25:36
getting this French
25:37
SPEAKER_00: passport set me on was absolutely important to me.
25:43
So if you don't relish what you accomplish,
25:46
your life will just feel really dull.
25:51
SPEAKER_00: That cost can be greater than we think.
25:54
The whole point of me making this episode and sharing this with
25:58
you is I got laid
26:00
off and I didn't even realize that I needed to tap into my
26:03
younger self to get the
26:05
SPEAKER_00: confidence to move on.
26:07
So sharing this also reminded me of other accomplishments that
26:11
I should take the time to
26:22
SPEAKER_00: So whatever your process is,
26:50
SPEAKER_00: Take the time to pause,
26:51
SPEAKER_00: focus on the present,
26:53
SPEAKER_00: and remind yourself of the badass things you have achieved,
26:57
SPEAKER_00: because I'm sure there are a lot of them.
27:01
If you want to see photos from the different periods of my life
27:04
that I talk about,
27:05
SPEAKER_00: make sure you're subscribed to the Dots and Dreams podcast substack.
27:09
SPEAKER_00: I share them in the newsletter that goes out with each episode.
27:13
SPEAKER_00: You can even reply and share your story with me.
27:17
I'd love to hear about it if you enjoyed listening to me and
27:28
could rate and review
27:29
this episode wherever you're listening that would help others
27:32
like you and I find
27:33
SPEAKER_00: this show until next time