Latest / Not Right Now / Q&A: Questions We're Not Qualified to Answer (But We'll Try Anyway)

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Q&A: Questions We're Not Qualified to Answer (But We'll Try Anyway) · Not Right Now

• 0:00
  [upbeat music] Hey, I have three kids. They eat so much. We try to eat real food. We try to cook when we can.
• 0:10
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• 0:37
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• 0:44
  Look, you got peels, bones, stalks, whatever leftovers, dump them in the Mill, and Mill dries and grinds them while you sleep. Again, it doesn't smell, which I don't understand. It's sleek. It's actually sexy.
• 1:00
  Here's a question people ask: how often do you empty it? Good question. It's every three weeks. I don't know, maybe, and there's a bunch of us.
• 1:07
  Plus, there's a little app where you can control it if you want and set a schedule, and it shows you how much food your family keeps out of landfills. A delight.
• 1:15
  Look, you can get $75 off right now when you go to our special partner site. I'm gonna read you the link, but you should know it's also in the show notes, and you can just click it.
• 1:26
  It is mill.com/lp/important-not-important. That is mill.com/lp/important-not-important. I couldn't remember that, so we put it in the show notes.
• 1:44
  It's right there for you. Check it out. Huge thanks to Mill for sponsoring our work and doing the right thing, and thanks to all of you listeners for supporting our partners.
• 1:54
  [upbeat music] I remember a parent being like, "It gets a lot easier," and I'm like, "Great, fuck you, thank you, but that doesn't help right now."
• 2:01
  [upbeat music] Welcome to Not Right Now, the podcast about parenting through all of this.
• 2:11
  We'll be talking about/crashing out over topics like mental health, and gummies, and wine, and perimenopause, and just giving up. Or not.
• 2:20
  Don't give up yet, until you get the pop-up notification about democracy, when you are truly, for once, just trying to be present with, I don't know, man, whatever your kid is trying to tell you that you don't understand or care about or you're not allowed to say back to them.
• 2:35
  It doesn't matter. It's not an advice show. It's a you're not alone, and you're also not crazy for screaming in the shower kinda show. I'm Claire Zulkey from Evil Witches.
• 2:44
  And I'm Quinn Emmett from Important Not Important. You can find details on anything we talk about in the show notes or at our website, notrightnow.show..show.
• 2:55
  And if you like what you hear today, please share it with a parent who needs it or who might laugh and tell their kids to be quiet, and then drop us a nice little five-star review.
• 3:03
  And reminder, you can send questions or feedback to questions@notrightnow.show. [upbeat music] Claire, this is a special episode. Remember after school specials? Yes. Anyways, we're old.
• 3:19
  So this is our first real special episode. It is a Q&A, or mailbag, or whatever we wanna call it.
• 3:25
  Our wonderful listeners, at our request, send in a bunch of great questions and feedback and things like that, and what we're gonna do is our best to discuss them out loud on the fly, because Lord, what else is parenting right now than making it up on the go while the information keeps changing, getting it wrong a lot of the time, and offering advice that other parents try and it doesn't work for them, 'cause every kid's different.
• 3:51
  So are you ready to dive into this, Claire? I'm excited, and I'm grateful to everyone who wrote in, and thank you for, you know, taking a chance on us and listening.
• 4:01
  I'm always, like, pleasantly surprised and delighted when someone says they enjoyed what we're doing. I know. It's so thoughtful. It's amazing how many more people respond to you than to me with those sort of things.
• 4:11
  My friends are just like, "Great job, fuckhead." Exciting news, in the future, we will record something like one Q&A episode a month, maybe some other bonus content.
• 4:20
  It'll be available to two groups of people, important members and Evil Witches paid subscribers. Is that what you call them? W- Yes. Do you have super witches? If you're already one of those, that's great.
• 4:31
  You will get details on how to access your brand-new private feed soon, which is really exciting, in whatever player you'd like.
• 4:38
  And if you're not already an important member or an Evil Witches paid subscriber, you can check the show notes for the links on how to do it. Very exciting stuff. Gotta pay the bills here.
• 4:48
  So okay, our first Q&A, again, this is not an advice show. We are not, I mean, professionals in any real medical capacity or any, really any other... I don't have any, like, hard skills. So take it for what it is.
• 5:01
  Princess Bride again, you know, it's a parenting show, but that w- word doesn't mean what you think it means, you know. It is what it is.
• 5:08
  So our first question I've got here, Claire, is about, essentially, someone's asking, "I'm trying to make some friends here on the playground. Is this real friendship, or is it other parents just commiserating?"
• 5:20
  Which, by the way, is not a bad thing. No. But what I'm gonna do, Claire, is I'm gonna play it. It's one minute. Okay.
• 5:27
  [upbeat music] So I was thinking about this question yesterday while talking to my husband, and the question is, how can you tell if you're really connecting with someone or if you're just connecting over the, like, superficial and very real all-consuming challenges of parenting?
• 5:45
  We're working on establishing friendships as our kids are getting a little older, being three and six, no longer babies, and we're kind of, like, struggling to find the right match friendship-wise for, like, people who are really aligned with us in a bunch of ways.
• 5:57
  But it's hard to tell. Like, am I connecting with someone because we have a deep connection, or am I just-... connecting with them because they are also parenting in a modern American hellscape.
• 6:10
  Is this a case where I should just accept, like, good enough? Where if we connect about modern American parenting, that that's enough for a friendship. Is it enough for a friendship?
• 6:22
  These are the questions I have I'd love to hear your thoughts on, any wisdom or experience you might have to share. Thank you. Love your podcast. [upbeat music] It is a good question. Right? It's good. Let me start here.
• 6:36
  We've established before that you are more social and a better person than I am, so you make new friends, right? At least you put yourself in a place to do that with school, and volunteering, and all that stuff.
• 6:47
  Off the cuff, what are your make or breaks for a new friend? You're going into this. What are your just like, "That's a no-go"? If they don't have a sort of twisted or silly sense of humor.
• 6:58
  Like, if I can't say, like, I hate my kid, or I wanna kill you, or shut up, not to their face- Mm-hmm... but, you know, like, kind of behind their back, and they don't laugh or indicate that they get it in some way.
• 7:11
  I mean, I hate to say it.
• 7:11
  And I, of course, I can be friends with people who are not like this, but if they are incredibly sincere and I feel like I can't be a little bit sarcastic and snarky, then I kind of slot them in a place where I'm like, we can be great, you know, block friends, school friends.
• 7:25
  Mm-hmm. I respect you, I trust you, but I'm not necessarily gonna be giving you my deepest shit or giving you everything I got.
• 7:33
  So yeah, I think that's my first inclination, which might sound superficial, but I just need to...
• 7:38
  I think being able to hold onto that, like, snarky sense of humor, and offhanded, and to be irreverent about it all- Mm-hmm... I think is really important to me.
• 7:46
  I always kind of, and this doesn't always present itself quite as organically or nearly as organically as that or the situation this listener's describing, but I always love the rule of, I mean, there's a few of them and they're kind of cliche, but I like them.
• 8:00
  And the first one is basically, like, how do they treat servers, essentially. Mm. Mm.
• 8:05
  You know, if we're out and it's 40 fucking kids out to lunch, remember you sent the picture of yourself at McDonald's like sitting at another table. If that parent's a dick to the people, they're...
• 8:14
  I'm not even gonna bother. Yeah. I mean, forget anti-vaxxer and all that other crazy shit. Are they carrying a firearm? Forget all that. Yeah. That's just like you're not a good person. I'm out. Yeah. I would agree.
• 8:24
  I, if someone complains about the school secretary, like, having a bad attitude, I mean, I already would be sorting that person out, I guess, to begin with.
• 8:33
  That's more of a you lack a certain kind of empathy or big picture situation. Totally. But it's all of, like, here's what it comes down to.
• 8:40
  Is it someone you want to, either by invitation or proactively, actually spend more time with?
• 8:47
  Because here's the thing, like, when she said that addendum about should I settle for this, essentially, I think of the argument for why Pluto is technically not a planet anymore.
• 8:58
  And I remember one scientist saying, "What we need to do is, like, back up and redefine planets, but clearly, like, Earth and fucking Jupiter and Pluto are not the same thing. These are all very different things." Yeah.
• 9:08
  And I think friendship is like, what is it? It's not the same as w- it was in high school. My buddy has the quote from, oh, God, what's the movie where the kids find the dead body from when we were growing up? Fuck.
• 9:21
  Stand by Me? Stand by Me, where it's, "I've never had friends like I had when I was 12 years old." Right. Does anybody? It's totally different, but I think what do you need? How are you defining it?
• 9:30
  And no one else gets to define it for you. Yeah. You know?
• 9:33
  Well, it's interesting 'cause I just, I've just kind of put my finger on this, that I've been grieving and feeling a little bit uncomfortable about something, and I couldn't quite figure it out.
• 9:42
  And I realized that I have moved through life stages since my kids were born, which sounds maybe strange, but I feel like it was so acute the first 10 years of my kids' life that it was like we were in new parenthood together.
• 9:55
  And now I have moved through, like, we've gone through different schools or the kids are into different things. I'm into different things. There are different concerns, and it just feels strange. Yeah, it's just life.
• 10:05
  It's a little bit scary and sad.
• 10:07
  I think what I really crave and need, especially when the kids were younger, I could tell that if someone was a parent and they did not wanna acknowledge their identity outside or pre-parenthood, and that they indicated that they were all in and nothing else, I mean, I know every emotion is normal, but if someone couldn't understand why I would be excited to go away by myself for a weekend, even if they didn't feel exactly the same way, they couldn't get that, you know?
• 10:33
  Mm-hmm. Or if they couldn't understand why I would feel sad that I wasn't getting work satisfaction during maternity leave. You know? If they were like, "But you've got everything now." You know? Like- Mm-hmm...
• 10:45
  I think that's a real fundamental thing for me, is that even if another mom, like,
• 10:50
  is loving parenthood so much, if she can't even see that aspect of yourself, and that struggle, and that juggle of the pre-kid you or the you that doesn't exist without kids, I think that's a non-starter for me.
• 11:03
  But yeah, I'll start with that, but I have other thoughts, but go ahead.
• 11:07
  It's interesting 'cause, and again, so much of this starter relationship you might be having, or not having, or they might not seem up to it either, which totally get it, right?
• 11:17
  If they're just like, "Hey, clearly I'm exhausted. Don't approach. Keep hands and feet inside the vehicle."
• 11:21
  Like, it sounds like what you're saying is they need to have s- at least some sort of, like, ingrained empathy, even if they're not in the same situation as you, or same stage of parenting, or they don't even have kids, or they're a teacher and their kids are grown up, and they get it.
• 11:34
  I mean, we were flying once. Again, our kids were three under three at one point. We used to go back and forth Virginia to California, and we had the whole thing, kids screaming on the airplane, this and that.
• 11:43
  And I remember, so cliche, some parent was like... I, I don't even if iPads even existed at this point, but I remember a parent being like, "It gets a lot easier." And I'm like, "Great. Fuck you.
• 11:51
  Thank you, but that doesn't help right now." And I saw some, you know, parents in the airport recently, three tiny fucking kids, and they're going through hell to go take their kids to some grandparent or something.
• 12:01
  And I did the thing, and I was like, "Look at my morons. They don't even talk to me anymore. It does get..."... easier, but I tried to do it from a place of empathy.
• 12:11
  It gets easier, but I acknowledge what you're going through is gnarly, and I, I hope if you're not a disconnected parent that you can at least have that.
• 12:18
  It does make me think, though, a little bit about, you know, Derek Thompson wrote a really good article in The Atlantic he spent, like, a year on about the loneliness epidemic, which is hitting not just old people who are living in these McMansions by themselves, or not just in the UK in Brexit, like everybody.
• 12:32
  And I think it really comes down to this, you know, ignore phones and kids don't hang out and all this. Like, it's what do you need, and do you know what you need yet, and right now? Yeah.
• 12:43
  And then it comes down to, okay, th- then can I fit that in somewhere if someone asks me to come hang out or I wanna have them over? Yeah. I mean, I remember...
• 12:51
  And we talked about this in the episode about, like, drinking and stuff, that when your kids are really little it is like army buddies, basically, when you're in the trenches- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm... with someone.
• 12:58
  And, like, really you can base a friendship around if your kids are the same age, if you like the same kinda wine, if one of you has a place to hang out and you can tolerate being together for a couple hours, like, for a couple years of your life, like, that might be all you need for a friendship.
• 13:14
  Yeah. The bar's pretty low. I mean, the thing is that, the thing that's tricky is that whether or not you have kids, like, life is gonna be like that anyway.
• 13:21
  You, like, you may have some work friend and you're like, "This person is, like, my bestie forever.
• 13:26
  Like, they get me," and then they move or they get promoted or, you know, whatever, and then you don't talk and you fall apart.
• 13:33
  I have friends, like, wh- whose kids were, we were so close, and then, you know, the kid might be in a different homeroom or something like that. Or, you know, COVID was a real shaker.
• 13:42
  So it's really hard to know ahead of time. But I would say, frankly, if you can communicate... I'm talking to moms. I- dads are another beast.
• 13:50
  But if you can at least send a couple funny text messages to each other that can be silly and make you smile that aren't necessarily about, you know, what time is drop-off or whatever.
• 14:02
  You don't have to go as far as the messages you and I send each other. [laughs] Right. I know.
• 14:07
  If you can make a joke, honestly, I think one of my touch points with other witches, if someone says, "I'm gonna murder my husband," the other person says, "I'll be there with a tarp." Mm-hmm. "No questions asked."
• 14:17
  Mm-hmm. That's kinda like, you know, a shorthand for, "I'm there for you. I see you." You know? So. It's what's-his-face from the town, right? Jeremy Renner saying, "Whose car are we gonna take?" That's it.
• 14:25
  And I think I'm at the age, I'm very turning into Clint Eastwood, like, shaking my rake in the yard. Yeah. [laughs] Like, when you ask, "Should I just settle for this?" Again, like, one,
• 14:36
  figure out what you need if you don't already know it, and don't be afraid to be like, "I need the world's most, like, basest existence among two people or more."
• 14:45
  But at the same time, don't let anyone else define it for you. Like, whatever the settling is. It's like mine is totally different. I'd like to say I didn't have FOMO for a long time.
• 14:53
  I really didn't, I think, compared to most people. But you still have a little social anxiety of being left out or this or that, and part of that was being out in Hollywood.
• 15:02
  But when I finally embraced, "That's just not me, man. I'm not comfortable with it." Yeah. Not only does it, like, not fucking spark joy, but it is not comfortable, then figure out...
• 15:11
  There's always gonna be somebody out there who, who is happy to just, like you said, sit on the couch and drink Two Buck Chuck. [laughs] Two Buck Chuck would be great. That would be a good lesbian bar.
• 15:22
  I think one of the things that made me kinda realize what witches was was that earlier on when I was a parent, I was very attuned and ready to feel defensive of moms who were making choices different from me that I presumed would be, like,
• 15:37
  more judgy, more crunchy, like, who were, like, all in on breastfeeding, which I wasn't, for instance, or all in on natural birth, or really into co-sleeping.
• 15:46
  And I for a while was like, "Well, if you make these choices, that must mean that you, like, judge me as a parent."
• 15:52
  And then after enough time on the planet, I realized there was, like, people who make parenting choices that are different from me, but we can honestly laugh about the same things or commiserate over the same things.
• 16:02
  You know?
• 16:02
  Like, you may be homeschooling your kids and I'm not, but also if we can laugh over just, like, how stupid our kids can be, honestly, or just, like, how burnt out we feel or how badly we need to, like, you know, unwind at 6:00 PM or don't wanna see them.
• 16:18
  Finding that little touchstone even despite the differences that you may think may fundamentally make you different.
• 16:23
  So that was helpful for me, was to realize there's people who make different choices from me, but they're still so human that I shouldn't judge them, basically, thinking they're gonna judge me, you know? Yeah.
• 16:33
  And this thing does grind you down so fucking much that you do at some point have to look up and realize, oh, I'm a husk.
• 16:40
  And the good news is I only have to fulfill those husk things for myself and someone else, whether it's your partner who can't fulfill all the things, or a friend who, the same thing.
• 16:50
  You're gonna have different kinds of friends. What kind of music they're into, do they like art, nobody fucking cares, right? Yeah. It doesn't fucking matter. It's the basest shit.
• 16:59
  I would say one last thing is, like, a good thing about parenting is that it really strips away your dignity. [laughs] To- Oh, yeah... a place where...
• 17:06
  I mean, I have a couple mom friends who I just was like, "I like your s- like, you seem cool. I like the way you seem."
• 17:12
  And often that's reciprocated, and if not, I'm sure it already hasn't been and I've forgotten about it already, you know?
• 17:19
  Because that also makes me feel better knowing that every other parent, no matter how perfect they seem, gets shit under their fingernails, either literally or metaphorically, you know? Mm-hmm.
• 17:28
  So, you know, I think getting offline to a certain extent and not comparing yourself to other folks, like, that also makes a big difference.
• 17:34
  So I guess, like, my answer, I don't know if we gave this listener any good advice, but- I tried to set it up as they're not gonna get any. [laughs] I know.
• 17:42
  But it's a hard question, and again, like, I think you have to be sort of open to the fact that some friendships are, like, gonna be about the season. You know? Mm-hmm.
• 17:50
  Like, th- this might be your bestie for the summer, and then when they go back to school, you might just be, like, a see you sometime, you know, person.
• 17:57
  But yeah, I think that a lot of it, again, is if you feel like you could've been friends with them before kids or around kids or you see each other in the same kinda struggle, then, you know, then that's a good starting off place, for sure.
• 18:10
  I also think there's a l-...
• 18:11
  a lot of room and what we're missing a lot of, and we've talked about a little bit with, you know, church going down and people not hanging out except online and things like that, is there's a lot of room for that middle ground of, like you said, people you only see in certain activities, certain seasons, certain school years, whatever it might be, who aren't necessarily someone you might
• 18:30
  accept an invitation for on, during your precious time or proactively use, but that you're friendly with. And that is really the scaffolding of community that can go a long way to helping people at least feel not alone.
• 18:41
  It can be something, an activity to actually look forward to, right? Yeah.
• 18:45
  Well, and then I think one other idea, and this is sort of how Witches started, was that a friend of mine was like, "I wanna meet cool moms," you know?
• 18:51
  And that made me personally wanna be like, okay, here are all, like, a bunch of cool women I know who all kind of have the same sense of humor or personality about parenting, and they have totally disparate...
• 19:02
  By and large, you know, they don't live in the same universes, but they would get a kick out of knowing each other. So I think almost, like, you have a job.
• 19:09
  If you know a parent who you like or person you like, and you're like, "Hey, do you know any moms- Mm-hmm...
• 19:14
  who, like, have kids my age who I might like, and they wouldn't think it's weird if we, like, met up at the playground?" You know, go out, ask for a referral, basically. And, yeah, again, it can be really hard.
• 19:24
  It can feel so random, like, when you're at the library and you're like, "I have no idea what this person's about. I don't know if they, you know, s- feel the way I feel." Yeah. No, I get it. They're probably a murderer.
• 19:35
  But guess what? Like, some of your real friends are, too. Yeah. Honestly, I... Yes. [laughs] It's a very vulnerable stage of life, that's for sure.
• 19:43
  But I mean, the person who called, just the fact that they put that question out there is a thought-provoking question, and just asking people about themselves, like, is, like, half the battle. So they'll get there.
• 19:54
  There certainly will be some chaff, you know, along with the wheat, but, you know, that's part of it. Yeah, no.
• 20:01
  Let me finish by saying if you listeners have any good stories or tips or ideas or anecdotes about how you've either successfully or unsuccessfully met or have hung out with other parents or other people during, like you said, this very vulnerable stage where you got nothing, right?
• 20:21
  There's no- Yeah... the emperor really has no clothes. Please just send them in. Again, voice notes are fun. We're figuring out how that fucking works, but it helps. I mean, that's the great thing about Witches, man.
• 20:30
  It's in print, but it matters. Well, thank you. But yeah, please call in if you have struggles, if you've found solutions, if you've heard of s- smart things, if you've had realizations.
• 20:42
  Yeah, please share, 'cause it all also depends on where you live as well, so we're lucky that- Oh, totally...
• 20:45
  we live in a place where, like, my husband can meet 20 other guys like him who have beards and glasses and electric cars and, you know, are into the same things, and they can meet up at the cool craft bar. Mm-hmm.
• 20:56
  But that's a different story if you live somewhere else, so. Okay. Number two, and it looks like we're probably only gonna get to two this week, which is great. We can save them and do them when we can here.
• 21:06
  Okay, I'm gonna read this one. It came in via email. It says, "I have a daughter who is eight who was recently diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety.
• 21:15
  The whole process of getting through an evaluation, meeting with the school, finding a therapist, finding a psychiatrist, the trial and error with different medications, et cetera, has been so disruptive to a kid who is already having such a hard time."
• 21:29
  Man, do I feel that. "To top it off, so much of the advice and treatment for kids with ADHD is geared towards kids that are disruptive and high energy, not kids that are spacey and distracted.
• 21:40
  We haven't found a medication that works. Therapy feels like jamming another obligation into her week, and she doesn't qualify for any services at school due to not being behind academically. So how do we help this kid?
• 21:51
  Everything that's supposed to help feels like it's creating more anxiety."
• 21:55
  And I just first wanna lead with, again, like, we've both got kids who I don't wanna say suffer from this, even though that's a, you know, a subjective word we can put onto it, but who have been diagnosed with this and deal with it, and the family deals with it, but we are not a physician, psychiatrist, psychologist, any of the above.
• 22:13
  But at the same time, it is very much versions of a similar everyday experience, and we were both definitely in a spot like this at one point. Mine was early in the pandemic, actually, and that made it easier and harder.
• 22:28
  They weren't in a classroom as much, but holy shit, was it impossible trying to get them to focus on a fucking computer screen for 10 seconds. We did the whole evaluation remotely. I mean, it was early in the pandemic.
• 22:39
  A gentleman who was very helpful, and we found some things that helped us. We really tried to...
• 22:45
  And again, just sharing my experience here, really tried to find the most common sense but also, like, reputable, science-driven psychology, as much as that can be reputable, and pros and cons are driven versions of what is actually gonna be helpful to most children that also applies to my specific child in our family situation.
• 23:07
  What are we willing to try to do? And for us, that was a combination of day-to-day expectations and modifications, but also some medicine.
• 23:16
  And we've changed medicine once, but it was actually just because, and any ADHD parent knows this, it was fucking impossible to find the first one for two years. I was calling 10 pharmacies a month. It's complicated.
• 23:29
  It's really hard. I have a whole bunch of books I can recommend that I can put in the show notes just to help ground folks in this kind of stuff, including some books for the kids to make them feel not as alone.
• 23:38
  That's actually where we really realized, oh, they have helped themselves as much as they can, and we've actually done as much as we can, is when they became much more self-aware about it and started to get really down about their ability to much more spacey, n- distracted, not able to pay attention.
• 23:59
  It's all fun and games until they start to get really down, and then that's when it hurts everybody. So that was really our experience. Do you wanna st- start with yours? Again, I wanna start with commiseration here.
• 24:10
  Yeah.
• 24:10
  Well, I mean, the thing that is really sucks is that they're kids, and sometimes it can be really hard to discern what is, quote-unquote, "normal kid behavior," you know, emotions.Lots of ups and downs, feeling good, feeling bad, versus what is a diagnosable kind of thing.
• 24:25
  And then, you know, if you get online, the internet can be amazing, except when it can be the worst thing ever. Mm-hmm. And you find people who are diagnosing your kid, who don't know what your reality is.
• 24:37
  You know, people whose kids, like, their diagnosis might be kind of like yours, but then with comorbidities. And yeah, and the medication thing is incredibly difficult.
• 24:47
  You don't know how long you wait to see if it's actually working. Mm-hmm. There's so many phases, and you know, just even if it's wintertime, for instance.
• 24:54
  Like, our kid was having a difficult winter, and we were talking with his therapist about does he need his medication changed, or is it just dark and cold- Sure... and he doesn't have enough to do?
• 25:04
  And I really hate the whole medica- I mean, I'm glad for the medication. We needed it so bad, but we also went through a phase of him not being on the right meds.
• 25:11
  And again, it took us a long time to be like, "Is he like this all the time, or is it the wrong meds?" Mm-hmm. So I think being in touch with your pediatrician a lot is really good.
• 25:21
  If you have time yourself to be in touch with a psychologist, a pediatric psychologist who specializes in kid meds, they may know more than your pediatrician.
• 25:31
  I will say, caller, you may probably b- like, not wanna hear, like, m- advice on more media, but if you haven't watched The Disruptors, it's a documentary that a friend recommended, it's on YouTube, about kids with ADHD, and it touches on how it presents differently in girls than in boys in terms of, I think you mentioned, like, kind of being withdrawn or having relationship issues compared to being hyperactive.
• 25:53
  It's very validating to see other parents dealing with this, and it's not gonna make you feel ashamed. Don't worry, it's not gonna be about what a guilt trip that you should be on. But I found that really helpful.
• 26:04
  I think one thing that really helped us that maybe won't disrupt your kid's life, per se, is family therapy. Mm-hmm.
• 26:11
  Because if you have a partner or spouse, I think it's really huge to get on the same page about how to react to your kid and how to have a game plan for when times are tough and stressed out, and you can have a shared strategy.
• 26:23
  And one of you isn't arguing, "Let her take a break," versus, "No, pick her up and put her in the car," you know? Yeah. Or when it's time to expect a lot from your kid versus give them a break, you know?
• 26:33
  Can we hold on that for one second? Sorry. Yeah. That shouldn't be unexpected to anyone who's listening, and that's, by the way, for anything your kids are going through. Because at least for us,
• 26:45
  you know, it feels very primal, and hopefully you can s- take a step back and realize it's okay to want to f- feel like, "No, there's nothing, like, wrong with my kid."
• 26:58
  And by the way, there's nothing fucking wrong with your kid. It's just we've all got a thousand different things. Like [laughs] it's fucking complicated, right?
• 27:06
  But it's very easy for parents, like you said, one to be like, "Well, I think we should just go without medicine for this," or, "I think we should just do this," or, "They just need to run around more before bed."
• 27:14
  No running them around before bed wakes them up. It's hard, but a lot of it comes from, like, one, again, information is a threat, and two, again, you just wanna feel something. So again, a unified...
• 27:27
  n- less a unified front and more a unified experience, like family therapy, can be awesome. Yeah. I feel for this caller 'cause you go through these phases, frankly, even when you have...
• 27:37
  I feel like we're in a pretty good place right now as we're talking with our kid with ADHD, but like I said, just, like, over the winter we were struggling a lot and, you know, things may be better at school but then worse at home, you know, or they're fine with their homework but then they suck at staying asleep.
• 27:53
  And I think that a good thing, again, about a family therapist, if not for the kid, for you, is to be like, "Okay, we have someone to talk about this with," and that just s- brings a sense of relief so you're not googling, you know, in the middle of the night.
• 28:05
  I will say for your own sake, I feel like nighttime is the worst time in terms of just having the strongest reactions, being the most sad, and wondering what the hell you're gonna do.
• 28:14
  If you can find parents who have a kid who, you know, slightly resembles your kid. It's not exactly the same diagnosis, but maybe the way they behave or the same things.
• 28:24
  If you can just talk to them and just have a chat about what's helped them, you know, just ask them the questions. If you can find a safe space, that just really helps.
• 28:33
  That someone will understand and not judge you for saying, "You know, I'm tired of doing all this work, and I feel bad for her, but we gotta do it," or, you know, like, I just...
• 28:42
  It just is really important to get at least resources, 'cause there are so many resources, and some of them are just really not for you.
• 28:49
  Like, I, I remember I got some book called, like, What Your ADHD Kid Wish You Knew, and I... It felt like the world's biggest guilt trip.
• 28:56
  I feel like it was like, "I wish you would stop being so mad at me, Mommy," you know? [laughs] And maybe that's true, but that's not, like, helping us- Not helpful... with our progress. Not practical. [laughs] Yeah.
• 29:06
  Yeah.
• 29:06
  I mean, you know, there was a big, and we can put it in the show notes, I think it was a New York Times article recently about ADHD diagnoses and how kids are being diagnosed now and what it means and what we know scientifically and are we diagnosing too much or venison or this or that.
• 29:20
  And the answer, like everything, I mean, we don't know how the fuck a thought works or depression or all these things.
• 29:26
  Every time we pull the string more and more on brains or guts or both, we find out, like, oh, with, we might not have figured out...
• 29:32
  One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite neuroscientists is, what if the brain can't know itself? Mm. Basically, what if we're just not, like, capable of that? And that's, that'll send you on a spin.
• 29:43
  But there are relatively, again, for a lot of folks, not most folks, a lot of folks, proven ways to help your kid and help each other.
• 29:54
  There's little reminders, and again, like, I'm sure the definition of how ADHD, in this sense, the spacey and distracted or what they call executive control issues, works or doesn't work or whatever.
• 30:06
  The current version is, you know, the grossly simplified, and again, not a scientist, not a doctor version, is essentially, like, we all get distracted.
• 30:14
  Those kids might be a kid or an adult who doesn't get the signal to come back to what you were doing in time.As the rest of us, essentially. So they stay distracted, right? Mm-hmm. I got a kid who, who might...
• 30:26
  If we got 10 kids playing in the front yard or the backyard, hide and seek or something, he'll go hide and not realize that no one has come and looked for him for an hour, right? Just time can mean nothing there.
• 30:37
  They just don't get the signal. Again, that's grossly oversimplified, and I'm sure it'll change by the time we fucking publish this. But, you know, try to just remember that.
• 30:44
  W- empathy-wise, hey, man, we're all this way, right? Yeah. We just might have a, a slightly easier version. The other thing, and I looked back at the text of this note, and I,
• 30:53
  as a calendar person and plates in the air person, and I know you feel this way and talk about it, their note here that therapy feels like jamming another obligation into her week. I mean, I fucking get it.
• 31:05
  You know, we have another kid who really struggles with some real, lot of anxiety and depression and shame and things like that, and doing therapy pretty regularly was so helpful and such a logistical pain in the ass, 'cause it was, like, 25 minutes away in this small town.
• 31:19
  It's impossible for something to be 25 minutes away here, as opposed to Los Angeles. That's, like, a win.
• 31:24
  But I will say, if you find the right person, and it can be totally different for everyone, whether it's a psychologist who is just, not just, but a lot of talk therapy, or an actual psychiatrist who might just be the person who ends up prescribing the medicine 'cause they're a medical doctor, or some combination of them, and/or family therapy, whatever.
• 31:44
  It can be like, well, it can be like exercise in, in the chemical sense. But it can be like this is actually a thing that can improve the rest of the week. Mm-hmm. If that makes sense. Yeah.
• 31:55
  Yes, in time and space and family logistics, it can make it more difficult. But it actually can, especially over time, you might have less time, but it could improve that time, if that makes sense.
• 32:07
  It's like people- Yeah... try to find to work out during the day. Yes, it's hard, but if you give it enough few weeks, you might end up having more energy for the rest of the day. You might do better.
• 32:14
  You might sleep better, et cetera, et cetera. And you might not need it forever as well. Yeah, yeah. Like, you may, you may realize that after a couple months you don't need to talk as often.
• 32:22
  I think it helps, again, if you can find people, either online or in real life, who can commiserate with you.
• 32:28
  Like, it just helps to know that there's so many people out there who have their thing, and they may not even reveal it.
• 32:33
  I was just talking yes- the other day with a friend of mine who, they're a family that travels, like, very... They are big travelers, and their kids have seen parts of the world that I can only dream of.
• 32:43
  And on the one hand, you're like, "Wow, they must have it made. They go to Disneyland all the time."
• 32:47
  But she also, her daughter has complete school avoidance and will refuse to go to school, and absolute refuse, and doesn't give a shit.
• 32:55
  And the mom is certainly not pleased about this, but she also sees her daughter as a whole.
• 33:00
  And she's like, "When my kid is an adult, she's gonna be famous one day, I just know, for her ability to make art and the way she thinks, but this is, like, not her stage of life." And to me, it is this very,
• 33:13
  I don't know what the word is, validating, soothing- Mm-hmm... reassuring to know that there's parents out there who have this whole holistic issue where your kid has this...
• 33:22
  You know, 'cause school is, you know, like, even though we all love our kids going to school, and, like, we want the best for them, you know, it is not made for kids. Especially- Mm-hmm... in this day, you know?
• 33:32
  So it's no surprise that some kids...
• 33:34
  And I, I don't mean to speculate, but I imagine if you have a daughter, and there's so many well-behaved, you know, docile daughters in the world who do what they're supposed to do and listen and don't cause a hard time, that if your kid isn't doing that, you may be like, "Why is she the one who's not doing what she's supposed to do?"
• 33:49
  I mean, I, you know, feel that way about a boy, but I feel like boys are kind of famous for not necessarily sitting still. But anyway, I just think that it just gives you...
• 33:57
  Because the other thing I was gonna say is don't feel like you're supposed to love this. Don't feel bad if you are exhausted or wondering what happened, or- Mm-hmm... you know.
• 34:06
  It's okay to wonder if you made a mistake sometimes, being a parent.
• 34:10
  And I don't mean that your kid was a mistake, but just when you think back to your life before kids, and you're like, "Damn, I remember when I used to sleep in, and I had to do laundry once a week," you know?
• 34:19
  And I had- Mm-hmm... very little responsibilities. It's not your job to love this, you know, and to, you know, feel no resentment towards it. It's okay to just be exhausted.
• 34:29
  But the fact that you care, honestly, I know it doesn't make it easier in the moment, but, like, you're already on the right track. [laughs] You are.
• 34:35
  And by the way, speaking of people whose job it is, we, and this just might be these specific people, but I really don't believe that categorically, we have been so lucky to get tremendous help from our school's guidance counselors.
• 34:51
  So the person said she doesn't qualify for any services at school due to not being behind academically. Anybody can go to the guidance counselor. Oh. And those people can often be exceptional. Mm-hmm.
• 35:02
  Especially at the eight years old, elementary, early middle school years. Like, these people have seen every version of it. They've seen sibling stuff. They've seen parental stuff.
• 35:12
  They've seen kid stuff, eating stuff, all the things. And, you know, we've had just, "Hey, guidance counselor."
• 35:18
  You know, we'll go around our kid and, you know, they're old enough to know now, and just say, "Hey, do you mind, like, inviting them to lunch once a week or every two weeks?" Right. "And making it a fun thing?" Yeah.
• 35:27
  And then just hang out. Again, it's like dealing with a tiger. Just build trust and hang out for three weeks. I don't give a shit. Yeah. You know?
• 35:33
  A- and by the way, if that's not something the school does or that you do, that's fine. I'm, you know... I'll give anybody money for anything to help kids and help the schools.
• 35:41
  But that kind of stuff's helpful, 'cause it's just somebody who, like, knows the language- Right... in a way. Or gives the kid something to relax and be themselves over without having to- Oh, yeah, man...
• 35:52
  do the bullshit of, like, everyday school socialization. It's a fucking break. Yeah. And also, that sounds really crappy.
• 36:00
  If your school isn't giving your kid any kind of consideration just 'cause they're getting As or whatever, does that mean that therefore you're supposed to hope that they slip academically to get some attention or some- Yeah...
• 36:09
  special care?
• 36:10
  You know, I hope there's someone, uh, maybe a paraprofessional, whether it's, like, a librarian or lunch lady or bus driver or the nurse or whatever, who can give the kid a little extra TLC for 15 minutes a couple times a week or something like that, just to be like, "Hey, you doing okay?"
• 36:25
  Like-Touch base, you know? I don't know.
• 36:28
  The other thing I will say, and again, knowing nothing of whether this parent who wrote in, whether they have a partner or they have grandparents who can help out or, or friends or what their home life is like, if whether there's time or anything like this, because again, a- assuming any of that is a fool's errand in the US these days, you know, they're talking about so much is geared towards kids that are disruptive and high energy, not kids that are spacey and distracted.
• 36:51
  This is a gross generalization, but again, you know,
• 36:54
  by way of my wife, we lived in Los Angeles for 15 years and worked with, knew some of the greatest versions of artists alive who are all spacey and distracted, and let your kid fucking hang out and color and be distracted for a while if you have the time and, and the ability to do things.
• 37:11
  It doesn't cost anything, and we all need to space out more- Yeah... frankly, and if that means going out in nature or whatever, and it's relatively safe, like, great. That just might be a little easier for them.
• 37:22
  That doesn't mean you can't do all these other things to deal with it, but if they're quiet and spacey and distracted in a room that you've kinda designed, it's like my share plate thing, like in a room that
• 37:31
  is just full of things where they can do that, hey man, that's great, too. You know? It doesn't have to all be go, go, go all the time. And it's also okay to choose your battles.
• 37:41
  Like, I think everyone chooses battles sometimes. Like, I have a friend whose daughter is very school avoidant, different friend, and I think there's just, some days they fight it, and it sounds incredibly difficult.
• 37:52
  Once in a while, they're just like, "You know what? What the hell? Mental health day for you. Mental da- health day for us all." My wife talks about it all the time.
• 37:58
  Her mom used to say, "You get one mental health day a semester, no questions asked."
• 38:02
  Or just, or giving yourself a break, honestly, like taking yourself out to dinner if you have a partner or hiring a babysitter just to check yourself out to, you know, because it, that's the thing is this is not a guilt trip, because this is incredibly hard.
• 38:14
  But, like, it is harder to do this when you are super burned out, so if you can refresh yourself a little bit, it helps you out, you know, and that helps your kid out, too. But yeah, hang on.
• 38:24
  Like, it is not easy, especially again, I hate to say it, if you go on the internet, like, it can be so validating sometimes to hear, once in a while you'll hear a cry in the wilderness that you're like, "Yes, you are me.
• 38:36
  Thank God." And then other times you'll hear someone be like, "Did you try the whiteboard? Did you try this reward system? Did you try spanking them? Did you try giving them more tasks to do around the house?"
• 38:47
  You know, or, "Did you just try loving them more?" I've had that once. Uh- Oh, that's great. That's awesome. "Did you just try talking at night so they could talk to you and be honest with themselves?"
• 38:54
  Because I do that with my son, and you're like, "Shut the fuck up." So be mindful of your internet intake. I'm just saying, 'cause it can giveth and it can taketh away.
• 39:02
  I'm gonna say something which is gonna sound crazy on the surface, but I don't even, I do not know if this listener is a mother or father, any version in between any of those.
• 39:11
  There's a subreddit called Daddit, D-A-D-D-I-T. It's got 1.8 million dadditers, including me. 309 are, are online right now, and just like evil witches, there's moms that bounce in there all the time.
• 39:25
  It is one of the most, like, supportive places I've ever seen in my entire life, and there's 1.8 million people in there. There's someone in there who's dealing [laughs] with very similar shit.
• 39:33
  Whatever your kid is dealing with, I don't wanna say whatever they're suffering with or whatever they got, we've all got stuff. Mm-hmm. Just, you know, like this, don't be afraid to share it if there's nothing else.
• 39:44
  That's the only thing- Yeah... I can really offer. Well, the good news is that things will get better. Yeah. The bad news is that things will get worse again. Yeah.
• 39:50
  But with enough time, you'll realize that you are on the right track, and again, you're helping this kid. It is, like really throwing spaghetti at a wall. Getting a diagnosis is huge.
• 40:00
  I think you are already past the worst of it, of being like, "What the hell? What is this?" You know? And I will say one thing, and y- you know what? I'll put this in the show notes.
• 40:10
  A friend of mine, she has a template for a letter, and you can start this maybe in, in the summer if your g- kids go to summer camp, or at start of the school year, where she introduces the kid to the teacher, and she does it in the kid's first person.
• 40:22
  She's like, "Hi, I'm Claire. I'm really great at X, Y, Z. I'm really still working on A, B, C, and some things that could really help me are one, two, three." Hmm.
• 40:33
  And I borrowed that template, and my kid's teacher was like, "This is amazing. Can I share this with all the kids? I wish all the parents would turn this in."
• 40:40
  So, like, I said things like for instance, "If you can help it, try not to take away recess from my kid as a punishment. Like, I understand-" Hmm "... sometimes you need to, but, like, he needs-" Mm-hmm "...
• 40:49
  that physical exercise."
• 40:50
  Or I mentioned that sometimes his brain, he starts talking before he's finished speaking, so [laughs] he will sound like he's stuttering, and he just is f- like thinking in real time as he's speaking. Mm-hmm.
• 41:01
  So I'm like, "Give him a second to talk." But I said he also loves, uh, having jobs to do, so give him a job, like cleaning the board or- Mm...
• 41:08
  you know, being the line leader, and he loved to sing, so if you ever wanna have him be the DJ or something like that. So anyway, I'll share that also with show notes- I love that...
• 41:16
  'cause I think that starts off the year in a really good way, and it's good for you to get in touch with your kid's strengths, you know, and articulate them and remember them.
• 41:24
  So yeah, let me find that and I'll share that with you to share with the listener. That's great. I love that. I love that. All right. Well, I know you gotta get out of here. This was, uh, very fun.
• 41:32
  Again, please don't ta- there's no legal, medical, any really advice, uh, involved here, but we appreciate everyone reaching out.
• 41:39
  Again, if you have anything to offer from any of these things, write-ins, follow-ups, any of that, please send them in, questions@notrightnow.show, and that's it. We'll be back with a real episode next time. Yes.
• 41:51
  Thank you for listening. Thanks for calling in. Keep it coming. We want to hear from you. This is a conversation. Thank you for the challenging questions. Wishing you the best. Go get 'em. You're doing great.
• 42:01
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• 42:19
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• 42:25
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• 42:31
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• 42:40
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• 42:51
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