Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Does Parenting Age You?

Transcript

Does Parenting Age You? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: How does being a parent affect the way that you age?
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Do your children keep you youthful or are they somehow
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: accidentally making you get older and older and older because
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: of the stress and all the pressure and all the
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: drama and all the hormonal changes and everything else that
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: happen as a result of being a parent. After the break,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: we talk about how being a parent may or may
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  Speaker 1: not be aging us, for better or for worse. That's next.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Stay with us. This is the Happy Families podcast today.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for joining us. We are Justin and
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Kylie call Somewhere the parents of six Kids, and this
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  Speaker 1: is the podcast where you get real parenting solutions every
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  Speaker 1: single day, every Thursday, we talk about the latest research,
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: the latest science, what we're discovering about parenting that can
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  Speaker 1: have an impact on our lives. I have a question
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  Speaker 1: for you, Kylie. Do you think that being a parent
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  Speaker 1: has either aged you or keeps you youthful?
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  Speaker 2: I know you think that this is a whole podcast,
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  Speaker 2: but I can answer this in one sentence and we
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  Speaker 2: can be done. Yeah, of course it does.
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  Speaker 1: You just feel like you're a little older. Break that down.
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  Speaker 1: Why do you feel like being a parent is not
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  Speaker 1: good for your aging process. And then I'll see how
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  Speaker 1: much of what you believe, because I haven't talked to
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  Speaker 1: you about this at all, what you believe, how that
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  Speaker 1: ties in with what the research shows.
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  Speaker 2: Your stress levels go through the roof.
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  Speaker 1: Right.
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  Speaker 2: When you're a young parent, you are losing sleep just
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  Speaker 2: because of the physicality of the immediate physical.
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  Speaker 1: Needs with teenagers as well.
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  Speaker 2: But once you get to teenagehood, you're losing sleep over
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  Speaker 2: significantly more stressful circumstances and events that take place in
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  Speaker 2: your life.
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  Speaker 3: Going gray, losing hair, you're getting up three o'clock to
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  Speaker 3: take your daughter to work, like just your life is
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  Speaker 3: no longer yours, and so you're not just worried about
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  Speaker 3: the things in your own physical space, but all of
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  Speaker 3: theirs as well, and so much of it is out
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  Speaker 3: of your control.
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  Speaker 1: Well, let's talk about the science.
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  Speaker 2: That don't need science, it's just that's it.
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  Speaker 1: We'll see how your hypotheses measure up to what the
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  Speaker 1: research shows.
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  Speaker 2: So it does becoming a parent make you age, make
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  Speaker 2: you change?
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  Speaker 1: So I would suggest that there's a more complex relationship
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  Speaker 1: than the one that you've outlined. But the short answer is, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it kind of does.
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  Speaker 2: I told you you're a sample of one doesn't lie. No, no, no.
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  Speaker 1: So we've even gotten names to describe the phenomenon. So
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  Speaker 1: you might have heard of matrescence. This is the process
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  Speaker 1: where like adolescence is where you go from being a
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  Speaker 1: child into being an adult, matrescence is the process where
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  Speaker 1: you go from being a woman into a mother. And
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  Speaker 1: there's also a term for men. It's called patrescence, although
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  Speaker 1: we don't hear nearly as much about putrescence as we
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  Speaker 1: do matrescence. There are physical changes, there are cognitive changes,
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  Speaker 1: there are emotional changes. There are social changes that parenthood brings.
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  Speaker 1: Some are quite well understood, some less. So let's start
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  Speaker 1: with hormones. So when you have a baby, there's a
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  Speaker 1: whole lot of oxytocin that booms through your body but
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  Speaker 1: also through mine as a dad, and I'm not sure
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  Speaker 1: if you're aware of this. When men become fathers, there's
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  Speaker 1: a massive decrease in testosterone. So you have a baby
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  Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, the testosterone goes through the floor.
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  Speaker 1: And part of that is probably to give your wife
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  Speaker 1: or partner some time to recover physically from everything that's
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  Speaker 1: been going on, So those drives might drop off just
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  Speaker 1: a little bit but also as the oxytocin goes up
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  Speaker 1: and the testosterone goes down, it turns men into much
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  Speaker 1: more nurturing rather than much more physical and dominant kind
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  Speaker 1: of like it makes the world safer for mum and
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  Speaker 1: baby because dad has become a whole lot more loving.
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  Speaker 1: This is a bit hard to hear, but for both
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  Speaker 1: males and females. Some research highlights that our brains shrink
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  Speaker 1: slightly when we have a baby, So our brain it
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  Speaker 1: restructures itself somewhat and it shrinks just a little bit.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think it's just a little bit, but let's right.
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  Speaker 1: And as you've highlighted, research shows that many of the
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  Speaker 1: changes that we go through once we become parents and
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  Speaker 1: then continue on our parenting journey leave some parents a
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  Speaker 1: lot more at risk of high stress and post natal
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  Speaker 1: mental health. We hear about postnatal depression, and there's also
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  Speaker 1: a reality of that for men as well as for women. So,
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  Speaker 1: as you've said, in those early years, all of the
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  Speaker 1: realities of being a young parent are linked with biological
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  Speaker 1: aging patterns you highlight like getting enough sleep. You can
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  Speaker 1: throw in financial stress and just the general uppeople and
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  Speaker 1: there's this.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, the change to lifestyle in general, your social life
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  Speaker 2: goes down the tube.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. So, I don't know if you've ever heard of telomeres.
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  Speaker 1: They're on the end of your DNA. They're kind of like,
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  Speaker 1: you know, the plastic tip that you've got on the
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  Speaker 1: end of your shoelace. That's kind of what they do.
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  Speaker 1: They're like these protective caps on the edges of your DNA.
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  Speaker 1: So what they do is they stop your chromosomes from
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  Speaker 1: deteriorating or fraying at the end or fusing with neighboring
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  Speaker 1: DNA cells when there's any division going on. I know
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  Speaker 1: that's potentially a little bit too sciencey, but basically, with
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  Speaker 1: a telomere, we want to have really long, strong telomeres.
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  Speaker 1: But when you are not getting enough sleep, when you're
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  Speaker 1: carrying too much stress, when your life feels like it
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  Speaker 1: has gone through a whole lot of upheaval, what that
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  Speaker 1: can do is it shortens your telomeres. And with shorter
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  Speaker 1: telomez that means that you're at greater risk of cardiovascular disease,
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  Speaker 1: greater risk of dement, greater risk of early death. Thank
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  Speaker 1: you kids. Wow Right, So, like I said, it's complicated,
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  Speaker 1: but that's the bad news. The bad news is that
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  Speaker 1: it really really does. And you know what stress does
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  Speaker 1: to your hormones? Uh huh so cortisol inflammation. The more
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  Speaker 1: stressed you are, the more inflamed you are. The more
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  Speaker 1: inflamed you are, the more cortisol and adrenaline pumping around
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  Speaker 1: your body. This is just this is heart attack territory.
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  Speaker 1: This is exactly the sort of high blood pressure. This
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  Speaker 1: is the stuff that you don't want, and it's linked
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  Speaker 1: to all sorts of long term chronic health conditions if
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  Speaker 1: you have ongoing elevated.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm trying to work out, I don't know why
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  Speaker 2: we didn't know this thirty years ago. That could have
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  Speaker 2: changed my life.
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  Speaker 1: So how many kids will we have had if you
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  Speaker 1: knew all this?
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  Speaker 2: Is there any positive news to this?
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  Speaker 1: There is? After the break, i'll tell you we're back.
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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families Podcast. Thanks so much for
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  Speaker 1: joining us. So we've gone through all the bad news.
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  Speaker 1: You can literally see your life disappear from underneath you
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  Speaker 1: as you have children, and the more children, the harder
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  Speaker 1: it becomes.
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  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry everybody. This is like Debbie down a Thursday. Seriously.
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  Speaker 1: I want to share some data from Sweden though, so Basically,
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  Speaker 1: there is some research that shows that parents, in spite
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  Speaker 1: of everything I've just said and doesn't make sense, but
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  Speaker 1: in spite of everything I've just said, parents actually do
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  Speaker 1: have a slighter longer life expectancy than people who don't
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  Speaker 1: have children. Can you believe it? And that's why I
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  Speaker 1: said it's complicated.
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  Speaker 2: Hold on with gritted teeth our whole lives, and we
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  Speaker 2: don't know how to let go when the time comes.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I don't know if it's that. My hypothesis is this,
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  Speaker 1: once your children have finally moved to a point in
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  Speaker 1: their lives where they don't create nearly as much stress.
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  Speaker 2: As rewrite history.
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  Speaker 1: Partly, but also you get to become a grandparent and
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  Speaker 1: you have all these reasons to live, it actually changes
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  Speaker 1: the meaning, the richness, it all deepens. There's some data
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  Speaker 1: from Sweden that highlights that you don't actually see this
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  Speaker 1: advantage until you're at least sixty. So you and I
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  Speaker 1: are still not quite better. I mean, we've got a
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  Speaker 1: twelve year old. We're still dealing with a sixteen year
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  Speaker 1: old and the emotions and the hormones and that sort
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  Speaker 1: of stuff. But in ten years, Kylie, in ten years,
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  Speaker 1: I will be sixty. That was frightening. I can't believe
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  Speaker 1: that I just said that out loud. That's hard to take.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. And our youngest will be in her
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  Speaker 1: early twenties, so we will be fully through that phase
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  Speaker 1: of life. And gosh, who knows how many grandkings will
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  Speaker 1: have by then. How exciting. And after sixty, fathers have
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  Speaker 1: a two year advantage over non fathers. Mothers have a
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  Speaker 1: slightly shorter advantage over non mothers. So the data from
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  Speaker 1: Sweden seems to indicate that life expectancy goes up. It
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  Speaker 1: goes up once you've got those kids through those heavy
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  Speaker 1: childhood years. And the researchers in this study speculated that
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  Speaker 1: the social and emotional support that parents get as they
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  Speaker 1: engage with their grown up children and their grandchildren is
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  Speaker 1: actually the factor. It's that richness, it's that meaning that
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  Speaker 1: comes from having a wonderful, intact family, which highlights just
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  Speaker 1: how important it is that you work really hard in
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  Speaker 1: the early years to make sure your family stays intact
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  Speaker 1: as they get older.
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  Speaker 2: It's funny. I know we've been joking a little bit
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  Speaker 2: about this, but as we've been talking before you shared
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  Speaker 2: the positive side of things, I was actually in my
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  Speaker 2: head thinking that our kids kind of grind us into
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  Speaker 2: the ground in those early years, and it's our grandchildren
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  Speaker 2: as we're experience that resurrect us and just add so
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  Speaker 2: much more I don't want to say meaning, but they
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  Speaker 2: add a level of joy that we didn't necessarily experience
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  Speaker 2: as parents because we were so caught up in all
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  Speaker 2: the minute detail of raising children. Whereas as a grandparent
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  Speaker 2: you kind of get to enjoy. You still worry about them,
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  Speaker 2: and you still, you know, agonoze over decisions and choices,
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  Speaker 2: but not in the same way a parent does.
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  Speaker 1: I hope that this podcast gives everyone who's years and
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  Speaker 1: years and years and years and years away from being
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  Speaker 1: a grandparents and hope that it does get better, because
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  Speaker 1: it really does. And this is not a grandparenting podcast.
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  Speaker 1: This is about being in the thing of it. There
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  Speaker 1: are a couple of other data points that I want
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  Speaker 1: to go to Kylie, just around parenting.
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  Speaker 2: But your relationship with your children changes as they have children.
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  Speaker 2: It does so not necessarily about grandparents at all. It's
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  Speaker 2: about the.
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  Speaker 1: Well, it's the emotional on social support that these researchers
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  Speaker 1: are point too. Like we love being with our adults
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  Speaker 1: children much more than we loved being with them when
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  Speaker 1: they were young. And we loved being with them when
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  Speaker 1: they were young, make no mistake, in spite of all
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  Speaker 1: the headaches and the challenges, and we do laugh about
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  Speaker 1: how hard it was and how much we sometimes wished
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  Speaker 1: we could have more of a break, But we loved
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  Speaker 1: being with them when they were young. We had so
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  Speaker 1: many treasured memories, and we still do with the young
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  Speaker 1: ones who are at home, but the relationship changes in
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  Speaker 1: delightful ways when they become adults. Last couple of pieces
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  Speaker 1: of data that I wanted to just throw out here
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  Speaker 1: in terms of the aging process and being a parent.
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  Speaker 1: All of this is correlational data. Of course, worth highlighting
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  Speaker 1: that financial elements really do play a part here. Parents
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  Speaker 1: in low income households are generally going to experience more stress,
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  Speaker 1: and their long term life expectancy can be as much
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  Speaker 1: as ten years shorter than those in the higher income households.
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  Speaker 1: Like your stress levels are tied to your finances to
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: some level, and that does have an impact on your
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: life expectancy as a parent. That'll ties in another factor
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  Speaker 1: the number of children you have and when you have them.
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  Speaker 1: So this one's very relevant for you and I with
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  Speaker 1: six children. New research it was just published in January
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  Speaker 1: twenty twenty six from the University of Helsinki and Finland
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  Speaker 1: found that giving birth between the ages of twenty four
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  Speaker 1: and thirty eight is associated with more favorable aging and
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  Speaker 1: longevity patterns, going to early or going to life not
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: so favorable. And the study also showed that women with
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: two to three children tended to live the longest, while
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  Speaker 1: women with more than four children were more likely to
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  Speaker 1: experience accelerated biological aging and have shorter lifespans. In other words,
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  Speaker 1: they die younger. I think just the biological costs of pregnancy, childbirth,
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: what your body has been through is just extraordinary. It's
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: not just the stress of having four or more kids
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: running around the house. Anyway. There is some earlier research
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: that found a small positive correlation in lifespan in men
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  Speaker 1: who had higher numbers of children, which makes it sound
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  Speaker 1: like I might outlive you.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I guess if I had to choose, i'd choose
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  Speaker 2: to go fast.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I'd like it if we could go together. Let's not
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: talk about that right now. I think we've still got
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: a few years to go. Anyway. The relationship between kids
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  Speaker 1: and aging it is complicated. The more kids you have,
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  Speaker 1: the younger you have them, or the older you have them,
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  Speaker 1: all the shifts at all plays a part. But one
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: thing we know is that, regardless of how long it
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: ends up being, every moment matters and it is a joy.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: The Happy Famili's podcasts is produced by Justin Roland from
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds provides our admin and other support.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: If you'd like to look at any of the data
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: that I've shared, I'll link to it in the show notes.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: And for more information about making your family happier, you'll
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: find it at Happy families dot com dot au