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Monday Mini: Vicarious Embarrassment · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and what could be
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: stuff I never told you protection, iHeart radio.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: And welcome.
• 0:19
  Speaker 3: We're doing another Monday Money and we were visiting something
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: we just talked about on your Happy Hour. But we're
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: not exactly talking about that, because we were talking about
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: why do conservative women really like Mama and Mia? But
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: I'm also talking about the reaction of what is it
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: about watching embarrassing things with people? I can't do it?
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: It feels so painful. And my experience with watching mam
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: and Mia next to my very conservative older brother and
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: my very conservative mother was painful. Hey, does it kind
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: of kind of had this moment of like, I know
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: we've all talked about it. There's a classic episode on
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: Scrubs where the main character is watching Basic Instinct with
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: his grandmother, Yeah, and him like balled up in the corner,
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: dying inside.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: And I think we've all had that moment.
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: I feel like that's just like a regular trope that
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: happens on especially like coming of age things. But as
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: an adult, I still have this moment.
• 1:26
  Speaker 4: Oh, yeah, you do.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: I mean I have it too, but not to the
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: extent you do you Like we've heard you in like
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: sex and the city episodes be like the normally fast
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: forward through this part, You've got all these like beats
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: you won't want.
• 1:42
  Speaker 4: Well, it's true.
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: I just literally like so, I again, I really love
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: k dramas right now, and it's probably in the most
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: tame of all of the other things that I've ever watched.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: Because again we talked.
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: About Bridgerton and all that, but for some reason, these things,
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: these linking looking kissing scenes when my partner walks in,
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: I shrivel and die inside a little bit, like there's
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: a little bit of shame. I'm like, please don't watch
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: this with me. And it's not because necessarily like it's
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: a bad scene or like.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: I'm just I don't know. There's this level of me
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: like bye, why And again.
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: The mom of me experience having and my mom the
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: first thing she said, because I was like, why are
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: high schoolers doing this play? And she said to me
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: like they they tamed it down a lot, because I've
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: never seen the original. I care nothing about Abba. No,
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: I do not care. Don't care about the newer musicals.
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: I'm one less fan of the old school musicals where
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: it's supposed to be cheesy. I'm cool with, but like
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: this was one of the newer musicals, right. Having to
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: sit there while my niece is cracking a joke about
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: having slept with three different men and not knowing who
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: the baby daddy is.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: Was painful.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: I think at one point I looked over to my
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: brother and he literally was gripping his thighs because he
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: was down. And it may have been worse because it
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: is our niece, and of course her love interest is
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: actually her real boyfriend, which was even worse for us.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I mean that is definitely a whole added
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: layer because then it's your you know, young family member
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: having these conversations, and you want to support her, but
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: you're also like, you know.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: Her, Yes, I know these kids, and I'm like, I
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: don't want to ever see you kissing. Why am I
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: seeing this under a spotlight? I'm thinking about it. I
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: don't know, is it again? This may be like I
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: can't do secondhand embarrassment. I would rather crawl under a
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: blanket and stay there for days. It makes like talking
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: about it makes my face turn red, like at this
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: moment in time, I cannot handle. I think this is
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: also why I have that lingering anxiety of like did
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: I say something wrong, right, But it's attached to this emotion.
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: And I don't know if do these films do this
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: on purpose? Do these plays do this on purpose? Is
• 4:31
  Speaker 3: it to be relatable or is it to cause you
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: this much stress?
• 4:35
  Speaker 4: I think both can be true.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: There's one episode of like The Office, for instance, where like, uh,
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Jim and Pam come over.
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: To Jan's house.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: Michael.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Yes, it's like the dinner party episode and it is
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: the most one of the most awkward things.
• 4:53
  Speaker 4: And that had to be intentional like.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: That, Yeah, absolutely, no way, they weren't trying to make
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: you like squirm in your seat and feel that way.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: And I think there's a part of it that is,
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: you know, you are connecting to both like the characters
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: who feel this way, but also if you're watching it
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: with somebody, then you're kind of sharing this, like such
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: an awkward moment which we can all relate to. So
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: I think there is there's kind of it's it can
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: dovetail of both those things.
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: Okay, So as as we're talking about it, I'm researching it.
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: And it's called actually called a vicarious embarrassment, and it
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: says when a person feels this embarrassment for another person
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: who may be damaging their social integrity. They may feel shame, ashamed,
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: to feel anxious, even like they need to fix it
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: for another person. And it says it's a tendency for
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: an empathetic person or people who are easily able to
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: place themselves in the shoes of others.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: So I guess that would go along with it.
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: But I I.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: Do want to fix it. I want that not to
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: be a thing.
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: I don't understand how you can face people again if
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: you go through that level of embarrassment, or how you
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: can never think about it again.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: I mean that's true, like the I like I can
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: you can face people. It's it's amazing how quickly, how
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: quickly all go from like my life is ruined to
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: like three days later like e but I will think
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: about it forever, like that part doesn't go away. But yeah,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: I've done some really embarrassing things, for sure, some really
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: embarrassing things recently. But I've never done anything that I
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: haven't been able to come back from. Because I do,
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: it will be like you know, five am, and I'll yeah,
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: there it is that thing I did in first.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: Grade, right, thinking about those things all the time. Yeah.
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: So in this article, that I pulled up. It actually
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: says it makes them from family trauma, different views on
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: religion and politics, and different groups of apathy for social
• 7:13
  Speaker 3: standing or pain from past family experiences, which I find
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: funny because I'm like my mom did drill into me
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: growing up. Do not embarrass me like that or do
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: not shame me like it was right. My mother probably
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: felt that heavily, and that if we did something, you know,
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: we just recently did the episode on divorce, my mother
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: felt that the hardest. I think my father was able
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: to be like, you know what, I support my daughter.
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: I don't love it, but this is what this is.
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: And he had more empathy in the understanding of it.
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: And my mother was empathetic and understanding and she supported
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: her child. But the guilt and heaviness of her failing
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: her family and this is her fault and this is
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: shame on her was very obvious, very obvious in the
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: way she would talked about how she went and talk
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: to certain people, how they avoided her, and she knew
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: it and like all of these things. So maybe it
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: comes from my mother as well as my level of empathy.
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: That does make more sense. But I hate it, I
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: really I like just thinking about some of these situations
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: makes me my heart.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: Like have Yeah, I can't even think about it because.
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: It's so so overwhelming in that level, and like watching
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: anything I can't watch. I think this is also why
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: I don't love watching new things with people. I'm very
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: anxious of that, which is I don't love going to movies.
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: I think it's a waste of time, especially if I'm
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: spending time with people outside of like people like you
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: and people that I see every day, so we're already
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: caught up. But if I haven't like Talkdeen forever and
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: we go to a movie, that's odd first dates to me,
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: that's odd, like if I'm trying to get to know
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: you other than if you pick out a really bad
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: movie and finding your sense of humor. Maybe mm hmmm,
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: that is a thing I don't know, but yeah, I
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: think maybe that's another part of like.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: I don't want any of this.
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: In my life if I don't want to experience this
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: with you, especially if I don't trust you. Even if
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: I do trust you, I don't want to experience this
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: with you.
• 9:23
  Speaker 4: Mm hmm. I've seen you run away from a room.
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: Before I have I run away from the room if
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: it's shameful, I'm like, I know what's happening.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: I gotta go away.
• 9:31
  Speaker 5: Or if it's too sad, yeah, I've seen that before.
• 9:35
  Speaker 5: I was like, if this is gonna damage me, I
• 9:37
  Speaker 5: gotta go. You're just taking care of yourself.
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: It's good.
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: I like the opposite. So once. I think I've told
• 9:49
  Speaker 4: this story before because it was so oh my god.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Most of the like minor fights I got in with
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: my dad when I was a kid, was about the
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: TV because we only had one.
• 9:58
  Speaker 4: TV, so like fighting over like what are we going
• 10:01
  Speaker 4: to watch?
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: And I was really into the show Roswell, and I
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: just like fought so hard to watch it. And I
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: bet some of you have watched that show. You know
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: exactly what episode I'm talking about. If it's called Sexual
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Healing and they basically Liz and Max had have sex
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: so he wouldn't die. And like multiple times, by the way, yes, well.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: You've done this episode, and I'm shocked every time.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: Yes, And I was like a fourteen year old sitting
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: on the couch my entire family in there, who had
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: fought so hard to watch this episode instead like it's
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: gonna be nothing bad, It's gonna happen in it, like, well,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: it'll be fine, my younger brother can watch it, and
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: I was determined to not. I'd made zero comments. I
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: didn't look around. I acted like this was totally normal.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I will not be the first to admit this is
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: incredibly awkward for.
• 10:50
  Speaker 4: All of us.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: I have to crack jokes.
• 10:54
  Speaker 4: That's my I mean, that probably would have been the
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: better way to do it, but I don't know.
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: I think that's not necessary because it makes usually makes
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: it worse. I feel like, but yeah, my thing is
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: like I'm gonna lie. Oh well, I wasn't expecting that
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: You're welcome run away.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: That's the other other thing is to run away.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: Yes, I just say, I'm like a like a turtle,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: like no, yeah, I'm gonna stay here and we're going
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: to watch this and I'm not going to say anything
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: about it.
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: I love that you're the stubborness that I will do this.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: That's where I would have turned it immediately. I will
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: also do that if something comes awkward.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, I forgot this part. Let's watch
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: something else.
• 11:36
  Speaker 5: You want you want?
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: You want something to eat?
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: To eat?
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: That's my automatic response.
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: God, I don't know, Like obviously, thinking about it now,
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: the idea that this embarrassment and the level of empathy
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: go hand in hand. But I really wish I could
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: at least like the fact that I'm panicking as we're
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: talking about the situation, because I'm picturing what has happened.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: Every time you talk about the sex of the citio,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: like I picture it, I'm like, oh my god. And
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: because I don't like it.
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: And though I have probably watched that scene the least,
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: I hate it more like it's more it's more like
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: prevalent and I know exactly what happens.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: That's funny because I'm finding through the hanging out with
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: you and watching some stuff you like and of course
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: do fan fiction. That's a big rom Colm Trope kind
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: of surprised really, the like accidental it's not always like
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: nudity involved, but the.
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: Accidental high or like thinking that someone's interested. Yeah, I
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: feel like that level of her confronting him. And if
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: y'all know know what we're talking about, it was a
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: recent episode which she thinks a dude is like trying
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: to pick her up through the window, and it turns
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: out he was trying to pick up someone else, like
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: a floor below her. And she had the audacity to
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: go talk to him after showing off a booby. That's
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: what I hate the most only. Oh so, anyway, thanks
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: for going down this road. I'm now currently sweaty talking about.
• 13:08
  Speaker 4: You're welcome. I'm here for you.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: I was tempted to tell you some of my more
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: embarrassing stories, but I think I'll space them out. Thank you.
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: I want to know it because I like, at least
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: I'm not watching it. If I'm watching it, it's even
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: like that's where I fall apart. I think hearing about it,
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: I'm like, oh.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: No no, but then watch it.
• 13:31
  Speaker 4: Oh yeah, oh yeah, it's all right.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: Okay, you take some deep breasts after this, yes, yes, well,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: thank you for sharing.
• 13:45
  Speaker 4: If any listeners can relate, I bet you can. Please.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: You can email us at Steffie mol Stuff at iHeartMedia
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: dot com. You can find us on Twitter at Momstep
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: Podcast or Instagram and TikTok at Steffone.
• 13:55
  Speaker 4: Never Told You.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: You can also find us on YouTube, and we have
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: a book that you can pre order, a Stuff you
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: Should Read book dot com. Thanks as always to our
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: super producer Christina, our executive producer Maya, and our contributor Joey,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: thank you and thanks to you for listening.
• 14:07
  Speaker 4: Stefan ever told you his prediction by Heart Radio.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: For more podcast from my Heart Radio, you can check
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: out the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast or where you
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows,