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You Don’t Have to Carry Everything Alone · Rooted Thoughts

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tierra, and this is Rooted Thoughts Podcast.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: So research shows that talking about stressful experiences can help cognitive emotional processing.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: But who you talk to and how they respond matters.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been going through something that was very difficult and nobody knew?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And not because there wasn't anyone around you, but because during that time you were still going to work, going to school, still answering the phone, still taking care of people and still laughing and posting and just showing up.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: But while doing all of that, there was still this entire experience just happening underneath that no one could see.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to share this quick personal story that relates to this entire episode.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: So at the beginning of last year, when I was actually beginning the whole divorce process and everything, I was actually talking to this therapist who I would um pretty much just meet with and speak to about three times a week that kind of helped me throughout that time and process.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So during that time when I was speaking with her, some days she would say things, and in my mind, I'll be thinking, girl, you must have the wrong client today.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: But then other days she would say things, and it would be so scary how spot on it was.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So this one day while we were in conversation, she says, Why is it that you don't let people know what it is that you're going through?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, Oh no, you're wrong.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I do let people know what I'm going through.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I tell them what happened, how I resolved it, what I was experiencing doing at time.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I give whatever type of advice or information that they may need.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then she tells me, no, you go through things alone, and then you tell people about it after you made it onto the other side.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And when I thought about it for a few seconds, I was like, oh crap, you are so right.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: But honestly, until she called that out about me, I did not even realize that I do that.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I did not realize that I do not allow people to be there for me when I was going through things.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Since then, I have changed that, but I gave that story to say that sometimes we don't realize how much energy it takes to appear okay while actively going through things.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: You're processing your fears alone, you're making decisions alone.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: When you are going through something challenging and you decide to carry it along, that makes it even more heavier.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Real Thoughts Podcast with your host Tiara.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: So in this episode, I want to talk about what happens when we finally stop carrying everything internally.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes, even before anything about the situation changes, when you decide to say, hey, this is what I'm going through, something changes inside of you and the situation feels a little or a lot lighter.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm speaking on this from personal experience.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: But before we talk about why speaking can feel so freeing, I think that we first have to understand why so many of us choose silence to begin with.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So why is it that we go through things along?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: To start, if you believe that people only isolate because they don't have anyone, that is simply not true.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes people have plenty of people.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: They just may not feel like they have anyone that they can safely tell their truth to.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: But there are also so many other reasons why we keep things to ourselves.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Some of those things are we don't want people in our business, we don't want people's opinions, we don't want to be judged, especially when the situation involves something that we feel embarrassed about, like a relationship, money, parenting, career, family, or even a mistake.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we don't want to burden anyone.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we don't even want to admit it to ourselves yet.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes silence protects us from other people.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes silence protects us from confronting ourselves.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that protection can work for a little while until it doesn't.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a cause to being the only one that's carrying those difficult experiences.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: So what happens when every thought stays inside?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: The problem with going through things along is that there is nobody outside of the situation helping you to see it differently.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if you listen to the last episode that we did on discernment, then you probably remember where we spoke about sometimes it can be good to get an opinion from someone else because when you're emotionally invested in the situation, your judgment can sometimes be a little bit cloudy.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're going through things alone, what tends to happen is that the same thoughts tend to circulate in your head.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: What am I going to do?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: What if this doesn't work?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: What if I made the wrong decision?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm overreacting.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's my fault.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: What if things never get better?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And because nobody else is hearing those thoughts, nobody is interrupting them or telling you anything different.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not saying that isolation is totally bad because some of us, like myself, can also at times thrive in isolation.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: But in other times, and depending on the situation, especially when it's something heavy, the thoughts that we have while in isolation can stop sounding like a thought and start sounding like a conclusion.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: The reason why it can be helpful to you to let someone else in on those thoughts is because sometimes another person can hear what you have been telling yourself, and they may be like, wait, why do you think that's your only option?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly your mind just opens up.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And where you thought there was a brick wall, there is now a door just full of all types of possibilities.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's also the exhaustion that comes from constantly being the one that's carrying everything.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: You may cry privately, compose yourself, walk back into the room, keep functioning, keep answering questions, and just keep meeting responsibilities.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why people sometimes don't even realize how exhausted they are until they finally talk.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can get so used to carrying something that you forget how much work it takes to do so.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Real Thoughts Podcast with your host, Tiara.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, what actually happens when you finally say out loud what you have been going through?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about those conversations where you finally said, okay, this is what's going on.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you told the whole story.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Not the two-minute watered-down version, but the actual story.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: The first feeling that you probably felt was relief.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And not because the problem was solved, but because you're no longer the only one or the only witness to your experience.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because speaking forces you to organize the experience.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: You hear yourself differently.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else can help separate reality from fear, and being witness matters.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: But on the other hand, speaking up doesn't mean that you have to tell everybody.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to be private.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Me personally, I tend to go far left or far right, and I am working on that balance.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Either I'm super private or either I overshare.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's just no in-between with me.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: But privacy is healthy, discernment is healthy, boundaries are healthy.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And in case you did not know, you do not owe anyone the intimate details of your life.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if it's your mama.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: But we are having this conversation because there is a difference between privacy and emotional isolation.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are someone who usually doesn't let anyone in when you are going through things, my question is: do you keep things private because you are protecting your peace or because you don't feel safe being seen in a vulnerable place?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if you aren't sure if a person is safe or not, ways to recognize if they are safe is that one, they can listen without immediately making a conversation about themselves.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking about because some of us, when we are speaking with people or someone sharing with us, sometimes we may share small stories to basically let the person know that we're understanding or we, you know, we feel where they are and things like that.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a difference between doing that and just totally minimizing another person's experience.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: For example, you ever been telling someone something and they say something like, oh, well, you lucky that's all that happened to you because this is what happened to me.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: That is not cool.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Another way in which you can tell if a person is safe or not is that they don't weaponize what you told them later.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, they don't gossip about the information that you share with them.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: And four, they don't shame you and they are able to tell you the truth without humiliating you.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that safe person doesn't just have to be a friend.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a therapist, a mentor, support group, a trusted spiritual leader, a family member, a partner, or even someone that has lived through similar experiences.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And in the event that you aren't ready for another person yet, I still advise that you get it out.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to yourself, journal, pray out loud.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Some people even record private voice memos.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: There is so much value and relief in taking something that you have been dealing with internally and giving it language.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: But the other side of this that isn't talked about enough is that the reason we sometimes don't tell people what we are going through is because we believe that strength means being able to carry things along.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Some of us have learned to measure strength by how little help we require.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: We take pride in saying, oh, I handled it myself.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody even knew I figured it out or I didn't need anybody.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, there is strength in resilience, and there is strength in knowing that you can survive difficult things, but being hyper-independent can sometimes become dangerous when you start to think and feel like receiving support is weakness.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about this.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe strength isn't proving that you can carry everything.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe strength is knowing when something doesn't need to be carried along.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: As I close out this episode, I want you to ask yourself this question Where are you carrying right now that no one knows about?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And would it feel a little lighter if you shared it with someone safe?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if this isn't a time for you to do that, that's okay too.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tierra, and this is Rid Thoughts Podcast.