Latest / Divorce Coaches Academy / When Fair Isn't Enough: Helping Clients Create Sustainable Divorce Agreements
Transcript
- Tracy Callahan: Welcome to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast, where we explore the role of divorce coaching in conflict resolution, decision making, and navigating divorce with clarity and intention. Debra Doak: Welcome to the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. I'm so glad you're here. today we're going to talk about a word that comes up in almost every divorce conversation. A word that sounds simple, a word that everybody thinks they understand, but a word that creates more conflict, more disagreement, and more frustration than almost any other word in divorce. Can you guess what that is? That word is fair. in fact, divorce professionals often joke that fair is the four-letter F-word in divorce. And that's not because fairness isn't important. It absolutely is. People deserve to be treated equitably. They deserve to have their contributions recognized. They deserve to have their voices heard. But here's the problem: nobody can agree on what fair actually means. If we ask two people going through the exact same divorce what a fair outcome looks like. You'll almost always get two completely different answers. One person says, I gave up my career for this family. Fair means I should receive more or my lifestyle shouldn't change. The other person says, I worked 60 hours a week to support this family. Fair means I shouldn't have to give away half of everything I work to earn. Maybe one person says, I should keep the house because the children need stability. That's what feels fair to me. The other says, you keeping the house isn't fair because I'm the one that contributed financially for 20 years to paying for the house. The challenge is that fairness is not just a legal concept, it's an emotional concept. It's shaped by our experiences, our sacrifices, our memories, and often our pain, especially in divorce. And that's where divorce coaches play such an important role. Because our job isn't to determine who's right. Our job isn't to determine what's fair. Our job is to help clients slow down, think clearly, and make decisions they can actually live with. Because here's the truth: a settlement can be fair and still fail. A settlement can be legally acceptable and still create future conflict. A settlement can look balanced on paper and still become overwhelming in real life. And that leads us to today's topic, and that is that fair isn't enough. The real question clients need to ask is is it sustainable? Can I actually live with this agreement? Can I maintain this agreement? Can my family function under this agreement? Can I still build the life I want after divorce? Because the best settlement is not simply one that feels fair today. It's the one that still works tomorrow. So let me start off by sharing a story about a client. I'm going to call her Jennifer. So Jennifer came into coaching feeling exhausted. She had spent nearly two years fighting for what she believed was a fair outcome. She wanted to keep the marital home. She wanted more parenting time, and she wanted the majority of their savings account. Honestly, when you looked at the agreement on paper, it appeared that she had accomplished exactly what she wanted. I imagine most people would have looked at that settlement agreement and said, Jennifer did really well. She kept the home her children had grown up in, she had the parenting schedule she wanted, and she received the financial assets she believed she deserved. Hmm. But about six months after the divorce was finalized, Jennifer said something I'll never forget. She said, I got everything I fought for, and I still feel like I'm losing. Because the reality of living with the agreement was very different than imagining it during negotiations. So this was the work we were doing together. The house she fought so hard to keep became a financial burden. The mortgage was manageable, but the repairs weren't. The taxes weren't. The increase in insurance premiums. weren't manageable. Every unexpected expense created anxiety for her. She also realized that having the majority of the parenting time meant she was carrying so much more of the daily responsibility than she'd anticipated, right? Appointments, school activities, homework, sick days, transportation, play dates. She loved being with her children, but she hadn't truly thought through what the day-to-day reality of that would look like. Jennifer's agreement wasn't unfair. That wasn't the problem. The problem was it wasn't sustainable for her. She'd negotiated for what she wanted in the moment without fully considering what that was going to require from her in the future. And this is something we as divorce coaches see all the time, right? People make decisions based on the person they are today, the situation they are in today. But they have to live with those decisions as the person they're going to become tomorrow, the situation they're going to be in tomorrow. So one of the reasons fairness becomes such a challenging issue is because people often expect fairness to provide emotional closure. They believe things like: if the agreement's fair, I'll finally feel validated. If the agreement is fair, I'll feel like what happened mattered. If the agreement is fair, I'll feel like justice was served. But Here's the truth. Settlement agreements in the divorce process were never designed to heal emotional wounds. They can't erase betrayal. They can't undo years of disappointment. They can't make someone acknowledge the hurt they caused, and they can't restore the years someone feels like they lost. A settlement agreement has a different purpose. It creates a framework for moving forward. It answers questions like who owns what? Or who's going to own what? How will expenses be handled? How will parenting responsibilities be divided? How will financial obligations be managed? These are incredibly important questions, but they are practical questions. They are not questions that promote emotional healing or recovery. And when clients try to use the settlement process to get emotional validation, they often end up making decisions that don't actually serve them. They fight for things that actually represent something deeper. The house becomes proof that they mattered, that their work was important at home. The money becomes proof that their sacrifice is counted. The parenting schedule becomes proof that they're the better parent. But no settlement can carry that emotional weight. And that's where divorce coaches can help clients separate the emotional meaning of a decision from the practical consequences of that decision. So, what then is the difference between fair and sustainable? So fair asks, what do I deserve? Sustainable asks, what can I realistically live with? Fair asks, did I get my share? Sustainable asks, will this support the life I want to create? Fair asks, is this equal? Sustainable asks, does this work? Again, fairness matters. This is not about telling clients they shouldn't advocate for themselves. It's not about encouraging people to give up or give up things that are important to them. It's not about avoiding difficult conversations. It's about helping clients make decisions with their eyes open. Because sometimes the most sustainable decision doesn't feel like the biggest win today, right? Let's look at the marital home because this is one of the most common examples we come across. Say a client comes to you and says, I want to keep the home, I want to keep the marital house, because that's where my children grew up. That makes a hundred percent complete emotional sense. The home represents safety, memories, stability. But the coaching conversation can't stop there. The question is not simply can you keep the house? The question is, can you keep the house and still build the future you want? Can you afford repairs? Can you still save for retirement? Are you prepared to handle unexpected expenses? Can you maintain your lifestyle that way? Will you still be able to support your children's needs? Can you do it without constant financial stress? And sometimes the answer to all those questions is yes. And if that's true, then great, keeping the home may be exactly the right decision. Sometimes the answer is no. And recognizing that isn't failure. Sometimes go of an asset or a position is what creates the freedom to build a healthier future. Same thing happens with parenting plans. Parents often get really focused on creating the most equal schedule. Again, equality can feel fair, but equal doesn't always mean functional. A 50-50 schedule may sound ideal. We hear that all the time, right? That's the fairest way to do it. But what if one parent travels frequently? What if the children have different school schedules? What if extracurriculars make transitions more difficult? What if the parents are struggling to communicate? So a schedule can be perfectly equal and still create unnecessary stress. So the goal isn't simply equal time. Goal is creating a parenting structure that allows children to feel secure and allows parents to successfully follow through. That is sustainability. So if FAIR isn't enough, how do we help clients decide and evaluate whether a decision is sustainable? Well, that's where I want to introduce you to a framework that divorce coaches use in their work, and we call it the FAIR model. Okay, so I want to break down each component of the FAIR model. F stands for feasible, A adaptable, I intentional, and R repeatable. Because before clients say yes to a settlement agreement, they need to ask a much more important question. Can I successfully live with this? We've talked about why fair has kind of become the four-letter word in divorce, the F-word, right? But it's not because fairness fairness doesn't matter. It does. The trouble we run into is that everyone defines fairness differently. And because a decision that feels fair today may not actually be a decision that supports someone's life tomorrow. So, as divorce coaches, we need tools that help clients move beyond this emotional question of is it fair? and toward the more practical question of is this sustainable? That's why I work with the FAIR model. This is a framework you can use with clients when they're making big significant decisions in their divorce process, whether it's the marital home, parenting schedules, support, retirement accounts. relocation or any other major decision, the fair model helps us slow down and evaluate whether the agreement they're considering can actually work in real life. So the four questions we consider are F, is it feasible? A is it adaptable? I is it intentional? And R, is it repeatable? So let's start with the first one. The first question: feasibility. Can you realistically do this? Not theoretically, not emotionally, not because you want it to work. Can you realistically do this? One of the biggest mistakes people make during divorce negotiations is confusing possibility with sustainability. Something can be possible and still not be practical. A client may technically qualify for a mortgage. We see that all the time. Right? A parent may technically be able to follow a parenting schedule, and someone may technically be able to meet a financial obligation. That doesn't mean the decision is a good one. Feasibility requires looking at the whole picture: financial feasibility, emotional feasibility, time feasibility, logistical feasibility. Let's go back and talk about this example of the marital home. So Let's create a client. Her name is Lisa. And Lisa tells you I have to keep the house. My kids have already lost so much. I can't take away their home too. So immediately what we want to do is acknowledge the emotion behind that statement. Lisa is not talking about real estate here. She's talking about protecting her children. She's talking about preserving normalcy. She's talking about grief. This house represents something much bigger than just four walls. So as a coach, we can gently help Lisa explore the more practical side of this decision. Things like, okay, let's imagine you keep the house. What does life look like six months from now? Might expect Lisa to say something like, Well, I'll have the mortgage payment to take care of, but I can manage that. So we continue. What else comes along with owning the home? And we're going to do this exploratory process. What else comes along with that? Property taxes, home insurance, maintenance, repairs, utilities. Lawn care, cleaning the gutters, washing the windows, snow removal, you know, all the things, right? And unexpected expenses. So we ask, what happens when the air conditioning stops working? What happens if the roof needs to be replaced? What happens if your child support changes or doesn't show up on time? What happens if you would have an unexpected medical expense or lose your job? Right? Our goal in coaching is is not to talk Lisa out of her dis choice to keep the home. The goal is to help her make a decision based in reality rather than just emotion, right? Because sometimes the answer is going to be yes, keeping the home is absolutely the right decision. But sometimes the answer is going to be, I realize I love the home, but I don't love the financial stress that's going to come along with owning it. Powerful realization, right? Because sometimes letting go of something isn't giving up. It's creating room for something healthier, sturdier, more sustainable, right? When we talk about feasibility, I think sometimes people only think about money. But as coaches, we know that money is only one piece of that puzzle. A decision can be financially feasible and still be impossible emotionally, right? For example, a parent might say, you know, I'd like to have the majority of parenting time. And maybe they genuinely do. They love being with their kids. They want to be involved. But what do we need to ask there? We need to ask, what does this really require of you? What do school drop-offs and pickups look like? Who manages doctor's appointments? Who stays home when the child is sick? Who's coordinating the activities? Helping with homework. Who has flexibility if work runs late or you have an extra meeting? You know, it's like, what does real life look like here? Because parenting isn't just about time on a calendar. It's about all the other invisible labor that happens between those calendar blocks. And a schedule that looks ideal on paper could potentially create exhaustion in real life. A feasible agreement considers the entire picture. Here's some questions that coaches can use to explore this. Feasibility. What would this decision require from you on an average day? Not your best day, not the day when everything goes perfectly. An average day. What resources would you need to make this work? Money? Support? Time? Childcare? Flexibility? What resources would you need to make this work? And the what if, right? What could make this harder than you expect? This question can be especially powerful because it invites clients to think beyond their either their current emotional state or their ideal vision of the future, right? And then finally, are you choosing this because it works or because you're afraid of another option? That question alone can actually uncover a lot. The second question in the FAIR model has to do with being adaptable. Can this agreement adapt when life changes? Because life will change. That is the one guarantee we have. Children grow, jobs change, relationships change, health changes, financial circumstances change. The person sitting at the mediation table or in their attorney's office today is not going to be the exact same person in the exact same circumstances five years from now. Sustainable agreements recognize that. One of the biggest mistakes we see people make is creating agreements based on an ideal version of the future, not the reality, an ideal version. They make assumptions about things like everyone will always communicate well, everyone will always follow through, everyone's schedule will remain the same, everyone's finances will remain the same, everyone will continue to be cooperative. Life doesn't always work that way. Okay. So let's look at a parenting example. Imagine Sarah and Michael are creating a parenting plan. They both want what's best for their children, and they agree to a very detailed 50 50 schedule. Monday and Tuesday with mom, Wednesday and Thursday with dad, alternate weekends, every holiday divided exactly equally. On paper, it looks Fair. It looks fair. It looks balanced. It looks like a great solution. But let's fast forward three years. Now their daughter starts playing competitive volleyball. Practices are four nights a week. It turns out their son needs some tutoring and some extra academic support. Michael changes jobs and travels more, and Sarah's work schedule now has changed from what it was. Suddenly the perfect balanced schedule becomes almost impossible to manage. Every transition creates stress and every schedule adjustment becomes an argument. Now, the problem wasn't that they created a bad agreement. It was perfectly fine in that moment. The problem was they created an agreement that didn't have enough flexibility built into it. Sometimes people hear the word adaptable and think it means a vague agreement. If we don't put too many specifics in, then it'll it'll be adaptable. That's not what it means. In fact, vague agreements often create more conflict. Statements like, we will cooperate, we will be flexible, we will work things out between the two of us. Kumbaya sounds super positive, right? But if cooperation has historically been difficult, those phrases can actually create Future problems. Adaptability means anticipating change while creating structure. I want to say that again. Adaptability means anticipating change while still creating structure. It means asking, what happens when circumstances change? How will decisions be made? What process will we follow? What happens if we can't agree? Joint legal custody. Parents have to make joint decisions. What happens if we can't agree? A sustainable agreement doesn't assume life won't change. It plans for when it does. Okay. So, some coaching questions. Directly. What happens if your circumstances change? What part of this agreement depends on things staying exactly the same? What flexibility can you envision might be needed in the future? And what challenges could arise that maybe you haven't considered yet in this agreement? And one of my favorite questions is if your future self could sit here with you today, what concerns would they raise? Okay. Because we want to be thinking beyond the urgency of the current moment. Okay. I worked with a client, let's call her Amanda, who was determined to create the perfect parenting schedule. It was very important to her. She spent years feeling like dad didn't prioritize the children. So she wanted an agreement that would guarantee he was maximally involved. She wanted everything clearly defined, every holiday, every vacation, every exchange, every possible scenario, right? To ensure that dad was super involved in the kids' lives and very connected with them. and at first this seems like a pretty reasonable approach, right? But as we talked, something became clear. Her desire for this perfectly detailed agreement was actually coming from fear. She was afraid of losing control. She was afraid of being disappointed again. She was afraid if everything wasn't written down, she'd be vulnerable. Now, the coaching work wasn't about telling Amanda she shouldn't have structure. Structure was important. It was helping her recognize the difference between creating healthy boundaries and working hard to eliminate all uncertainty. The one thing a divorce agreement cannot do for a client is remove uncertainty. Life is going to continue to happen. So the goal isn't to create some future where nothing changes. The goal is to create a framework where change can be managed. So that's what I mean by adaptability in the fair. Okay, so so far we've explored the first two parts of the FAIR model. F feasible. Can you realistically do this? And then A adaptable. Can this agreement survive change? But there are two more questions that might even be a little bit more revealing. Why are you choosing this? And can you keep doing this over time? These two parts of the model often reveal some really deep issues behind settlement decisions. Because sometimes the biggest obstacle isn't whether a decision works financially or practically. Sometimes the biggest obstacle is understanding why somebody is making that decision in the first place. Right? So that brings us to I, intentional. This is the third question in the FAIR model. And it is, is this decision intentional? In other words, are you choosing this because it aligns with the life you want to create? Or Are you choosing it because you have fear, anger, guilt, hurt, or the need to feel validated, right? This distinction is incredibly important. divorce is, let's think about this, it's one of the few times in life where people are asked to make some of the biggest decisions. When they're having the biggest emotions, right? And emotions matter. We we don't want to dismiss them, but the emotions are information, they're not always instructions. A feeling can tell us something is important. What it doesn't do is tell us what action to take. Okay. So one of the really important things to consider as divorce coaches, when we're doing our work, is helping clients distinguish between their values. And their emotional reactions, right? So, for instance, a client might say, I want to keep the house because my children deserve stability. Now, that statement may come from a deeply held value. Maybe stability really is important. Maybe maintaining the home is the right decision. But we still want to explore further. What does stability mean to you? Maybe the client says having the same bedroom, staying in the same school, not having more disruption. Those are super valuable insights. But I want you to keep going. Is keeping this specific house the only way to create that stability? Remember, we want to explore options with clients, not just be fixed in a position, right? So we want to figure out what is the underlying value here because maybe the house isn't the goal. Security is the goal. Schedule isn't always the goal. Connection is the goal. Money may not always be the goal. Perhaps it's feeling respected and protected. As coaches, that's what we're doing is we're helping clients uncover that difference, right? So let's look at another example. Let's say you have a client named Rachel. Rachel's been out of the workforce for several years while raising the children. Happens all the time. And during settlement discussions, support. Spousal support, spousal maintenance, alimony is one of the issues that came up. And her attorney was encouraging her to ask for it. But Rachel was adamant. She said, I don't want his money. I can take care of myself. I don't need him. Okay. At first glance, that sounds super empowering. Independence is a powerful value, especially for a lot of women that are going through this transition. But as you explore it in coaching, you might find something deeper. You might find that Rachel here is not making a financial decision. She's making an emotional one. She wasn't saying, I have evaluated the financial impact and determined that this is the best long, long-term choice for me. What she's saying is, I don't want to be dependent on someone who hurt me. Those are two very different statements. So the coaching conversation doesn't become about convincing Rachel to take support. Or ask for it. That's not our role. The conversation is about helping her make a decision from clarity rather than pain. So what do you explore? You ask her, Rachel, what would accepting support mean to you? What story are you telling yourself about people that have to have support after divorce? What would you advise your best friend in the same situation? What decision would your future self thank you for making? These are questions that might allow Rachel to separate her emotions about her spouse from the practical realities of creating financial stability. And that is intentional decision making. Now, it's important to say this making an emotional decision does not automatically mean making a bad decision. Sometimes emotions point us toward exactly what matters most. A parent may choose to move closer to family because they value support. Person may choose to sell the marital home because they value financial freedom. Someone may choose a less financially advantageous option because they value peace, right? We've called that the price of freedom. Those can all be intentional choices. The issue isn't emotion. The issue is whether the emotion has been examined. Okay. So a conscious decision says, I understand why I'm choosing this. An unconscious decision says, I need this because I cannot tolerate the alternative. The coach's role is to help move the clients from reaction to intention. Right? So, what are some coaching questions that you can use with clients here? What's most important to you about this decision? That gets below the surface a little bit. Are you moving towards something you want or away from something you fear? Honestly, that's one of my favorite questions. Okay. If you were not angry, hurt, or afraid, would you make the same choice? What does this decision represent for you? Are you trying to solve a practical problem or soothe an emotional wound? Again, these questions aren't about directing a client toward a specific outcome. They're about helping clients understand themselves. Okay. The final component of the FAIR model, the R repeatable. Can you repeat this? Now I know this sounds simple, right? But it's one of the most important questions in creating sustainable agreements. Because divorce agreements are not lived once. They are lived, especially with parenting. Over and over and over and over. A parenting schedule is repeated every week, a financial obligation is repeated every month. Communication patterns are repeated every action, every time you have an interaction, right? A decision that works once is not a sustainable decision. So let's imagine a parenting plan where both parents agree that one parent will drive 90 minutes every Friday to exchange the children. Everyone agrees, everyone signs, seems reasonable, seems equitable, seems fair. Let's use the F word. But guess what? Then real life happens. Work runs late. Traffic is terrible. The kids have activities. Someone gets sick. Someone starts a new relationship. the car breaks down. On and on and on. Life happens, right? And that means that frustration builds. So six months later, maybe this idea of the Friday exchange that takes 90 minutes of driving has become the source of constant conflict. The agreement wasn't impossible. But it wasn't repeatable. A sustainable agreement asks can these people do this consistently without creating ongoing resentment? Because a requirement that depends on extraordinary effort will eventually fail. It has to be every day a repeatable day to day effort, not extraordinary. One of the biggest mistakes people make during divorce negotiations is planning around their best intentions. I'll always be flexible. I'll always communicate calmly. I'll always be able to afford this. I'll always be willing to make adjustments. We all know that humans don't operate at our best all of the time. At least I don't. We get tired, we get stressed, we have difficult seasons, we have unexpected challenges. A strong, sustainable agreement accounts for that. The goal isn't to create an agreement for perfect people. The goal is to create an agreement that works for real people. So, what are some questions you can do to explore repeatability? Can you realistically do this six months, a year, two years from now? Can you still do this when life gets difficult? What happens on your worst day? Does this agreement require you to constantly sacrifice your own well-being? And does this create a pattern you can maintain without resentment? These questions often reveal whether an agreement is truly sustainable. Okay. So let's review the fair model. Before a client says yes to a settlement decision, we can review this with them. F feasible. Can you realistically do this? Does it work? Financially, emotionally, practically? A. Adaptable. Can this survive change? Does it allow room for the unpredictability of life? I is intentional. Are you choosing this because it aligns with your values and your future? Or are you reacting out of anger, fear, pain, something like that? And R repeatable. Can you continue this over time? Does this agreement work not just today, but every day after? I want to leave you with one final thought. I often think about settlement agreements the same way I think about buying shoes. When you buy a pair of shoes, you don't buy them because they look good sitting on a shelf. You buy them because you're gonna have to walk in them. So the same is true with divorce agreements. A settlement may look perfectly balanced on paper. Those shoes look beautiful on the shelf. It may look impressive in a mediation room. Everyone may agree it's a reasonable compromise, and those shoes are the most beautiful things they've ever seen. But none of those people have to live in it. None of those people have to walk in those shoes. Your client does. Every day. They have to wake up with it. They have to make payments under it. They have to follow the parenting schedule. They have to communicate through it. They have to build their next chapter around it. So the question isn't only is this fair? The better question is: can I successfully walk in these shoes? Because a settlement that looks good but causes pain every day isn't truly successful. The best agreements aren't necessarily the ones where everyone gets everything they wanted. They're the ones where people are able to move forward with confidence, the ones that reduce future conflict, the ones that support the life someone is trying to build after divorce. And that is the difference between a fair agreement and a sustainable agreement. Agreement. Thanks so much for joining me for today's episode of the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. If you're currently a certified practicing divorce coach, I encourage you to take the spare model and begin using some of these questions with your clients. Not to tell them what decisions to make, not to replace the legal or financial advice, but to help them slow down, think deeply, and make choices they can feel confident about long after the divorce is finalized. Because Ultimately, our role is not simply to help clients get through divorce. Our role is to help them move through divorce in a way that allows them to create a healthier, more intentional future. If you're interested in exploring a career as a divorce coach and getting certified through Divorce Coaches Academy, we do have a new cohort starting on August 23rd for the US and Canada. I encourage you to go to the website, divorcecoachesacademy.com, check it out. schedule a time to chat with us. We'll answer all your questions. Thanks for listening and until next time, take care. Tracy Callahan: Thank you for listening to the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. For more insights and training, visit divorcecoachesacademy.com.