Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #21: Do you know your child’s love language?

Transcript

#21: Do you know your child’s love language? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson,
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie our husband and wife radio team
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  Speaker 1: with three young boys. This is the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants some answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now take my hand, suits, Yeah, that's lovely, because you
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  Speaker 2: know my love language is physical touch. Yes. So this
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  Speaker 2: was a big thing for us when we first started
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  Speaker 2: dating because you when we had our first fight, the
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  Speaker 2: last thing you wanted to do is, you know, put
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  Speaker 2: your hand on my shoulder or do anything. And everything
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  Speaker 2: I needed was so desperately for you to put your
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  Speaker 2: hand on my shoulder and say everything's still okay. And
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  Speaker 2: we realized this whole love language thing was big for
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  Speaker 2: us as trying to form out our relationship. Imagine how
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  Speaker 2: important it is for developing little human beings like our kids.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. Do you know your child's love language? It's
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  Speaker 1: a big question and we're going to have a look
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  Speaker 1: at it with doctor Justin Coulson from Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 1: Com tod Au. How are you justin?
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  Speaker 3: Hello, Susie high work, I'm great? How are you?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: Really well? Thank you?
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  Speaker 2: What are your lovely? Yeah?
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  Speaker 3: What are yours? All of them?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah?
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  Speaker 3: I'm high needs.
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  Speaker 2: I've always said that. I've always said that doctor Justin Corson.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, mine's a given and it could be anyone on
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  Speaker 1: any given day.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, Susie is only one of them, but it changes
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  Speaker 2: every day. But there's no doubt. Physical touches is my
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  Speaker 2: number one question about it.
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  Speaker 1: But we don't often. We got the book for our
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  Speaker 1: wedding a wedding present, the five Love Languages, but I
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  Speaker 1: don't know that I have actually applied it to my children.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so the book is He a pastor in the
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  Speaker 3: United States. His name is Gary Chapman. Now he doesn't
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  Speaker 3: have a psychology qualification, and there's a few things as
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  Speaker 3: a psych guy that I just quite they don't quite
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  Speaker 3: resonate and work perfectly for me. But I've kind of
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  Speaker 3: rewritten the love languages a little bit and shifted them
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  Speaker 3: around a little bit and made them work. I think
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  Speaker 3: in a way that well, it works better for me,
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  Speaker 3: and I think works that are psychologically and so basically,
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  Speaker 3: instead of having these five love languages that he identifies,
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  Speaker 3: I argue that there are two universal love languages. These
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  Speaker 3: are the two love languages that every one of us has.
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  Speaker 3: Whether you're a Luke or a SUSI or Justin or whatever,
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  Speaker 3: and they are time and understanding. You see, if we
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  Speaker 3: want our relationships to flourish, we've got to put time
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  Speaker 3: into them. It's something that I love to share in
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  Speaker 3: the workshops that I present around the country, is that
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  Speaker 3: just like dollars are the currency of our economy, attention
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  Speaker 3: is the currency of our relationship. Yeah. When we have
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  Speaker 3: a relationship that is falling apart or that is failing,
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  Speaker 3: quite often we'll find that at the root of it,
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  Speaker 3: there's insufficient time being put into it. And if our
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  Speaker 3: relationships are not good with our kids, it's simply because
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  Speaker 3: we're not giving them enough time. The second universal love
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  Speaker 3: language I think we all have is the love language
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  Speaker 3: of understanding. We all want to be understood. We want
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  Speaker 3: to be understood more than we want to be loved.
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  Speaker 3: We want to be understood, and when we're not, we
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  Speaker 3: get so upset, we feel so frustrated, we feel completely
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  Speaker 3: hemmed in and it's like, hang on, you're not listening
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  Speaker 3: to me. You don't know what I'm saying, you don't
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  Speaker 3: know what I'm feeling. And I'll give you example. And
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  Speaker 3: how bad we are at this is parents. We were
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  Speaker 3: at an indoor rock climbing center not long ago, and
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  Speaker 3: my nine year old daughter had climbed to the top
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  Speaker 3: of the rock wall and she was on an automatic balat.
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  Speaker 3: So normally, you know, you've got the rope hooked up
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  Speaker 3: and you've got someone at the bottom, and they delay you.
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  Speaker 3: That is, they hold the rope so that if you fall,
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  Speaker 3: you won't do anything. You just sort of swing out
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  Speaker 3: and go back to the wall and you be safe.
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  Speaker 3: There's nobody at the bottom for the automatic blay. It
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  Speaker 3: just the rope rey tracks up into the roof and
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  Speaker 3: then you let go of the wall and it catches
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  Speaker 3: you and lowers you back down. And she was at
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  Speaker 3: the top of this wall and she was freaking out.
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  Speaker 3: She didn't want to let go because she didn't trust
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  Speaker 3: that the rope would catch her. As she descended to
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  Speaker 3: the floor. I was at the bottom saying, Annie, come on,
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  Speaker 3: it's not that big a deal. Just let go of
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  Speaker 3: the wall. It'll catch you. It's okay, And she's like that,
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  Speaker 3: I can't do it. And she was freaking out, and
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  Speaker 3: I wasn't understanding her particularly well. I mean, I got
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  Speaker 3: what was going on cognitively, but in my heart, I
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  Speaker 3: wasn't feeling the fear and the anxiety that she was
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  Speaker 3: feeling like she was eight meters up this wall too
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  Speaker 3: scared to let go. And finally I said, Annie, I
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  Speaker 3: know how scary it is for you. I know that
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  Speaker 3: it's really hard to trust that the rope will catch you,
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  Speaker 3: but it will. Trust me, it'll work out. Let go,
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  Speaker 3: And eventually she let go and she came down to
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  Speaker 3: the ground like overa hugen. About ten minutes later, I
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  Speaker 3: was climbing a different wall and I was on auto ballet.
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  Speaker 3: I'd never used it before, and I got to the
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  Speaker 3: top and then I realized that I was in exactly
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  Speaker 3: the same position as Annie. I had to let go,
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  Speaker 3: and I didn't want to. I was freaking out, let
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  Speaker 3: me tell you. And I had this sudden realization that
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  Speaker 3: I had not fully understood how Annie was feeling, and
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  Speaker 3: she needed my understanding at that point, and I needed
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  Speaker 3: some understanding. And I called out to the guy that
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  Speaker 3: worked so I said, if I let that was just
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  Speaker 3: going to catch me, and he just laughed and he said, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: do it. And I freaked out and I let go
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  Speaker 3: and it caught me. But it was a wonderful reminder
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  Speaker 3: that if we don't know how things are for our children.
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  Speaker 3: You know, when they're being bullied at school and they're
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  Speaker 3: really hurting and we say it, suck it up, princess,
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  Speaker 3: go to school, drink some concrete and harden up. You know,
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  Speaker 3: when we say that sort of stuff to them, they
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  Speaker 3: don't feel understood. And it is a universal love language.
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  Speaker 3: We need it, yeah, so that we can so that
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  Speaker 3: we can function well in our relationships.
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  Speaker 1: So time and understanding are these universal love languages. There
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  Speaker 1: are three more in your system of love languages. We're
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  Speaker 1: going to talk about those next. Doctor Justin Coulson our
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  Speaker 1: guest from Happy Families dot com dot au, asking the
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  Speaker 1: question do you know your child's love language?
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  Speaker 4: Are you endlessly nagging, shouting, pleading, threatening and demanding that
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  Speaker 4: your children behave Do you live in a dictatorship where
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  Speaker 4: the kids are in charge? Time out is not? Your
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  Speaker 4: only option? Is an ebook with discipline strategies and ideas
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  Speaker 4: that work, and they work without you carrying a load
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  Speaker 4: of parental guilt around all day. No more yelling, threatening,
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  Speaker 4: bribing or time outs. From day one, you'll notice the
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  Speaker 4: difference in your children, and they'll notice the difference in you.
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  Speaker 4: Time art is Not Your Only Option by doctor Justin Coulson,
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  Speaker 4: Available as an ebook and an audiobook at happy Families
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  Speaker 4: dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 2: This is the Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 2: We are lookin Suzi and this is the podcast for
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  Speaker 2: time poor parents who just want answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now and today it's all about our children's love language.
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  Speaker 1: Now you were talking about Justin about Hey, you've kind
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  Speaker 1: of reframed the five love languages of Gary Chapman to
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  Speaker 1: time and understanding being universal. We all need those, but
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  Speaker 1: there's three more that you have there. Can you explain
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  Speaker 1: those to us?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah?
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  Speaker 3: So they touch me, tell me, show me. The touch
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  Speaker 3: me is a people like Luke. You know, you just
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  Speaker 3: crave somebody acknowledging your presence by reaching out and squeezing
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  Speaker 3: your elbow or putting their arm around your shoulder, or
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  Speaker 3: holding your hand or giving you a hug. Touch Me's
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  Speaker 3: love to snuggle in bed and you just lay there
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  Speaker 3: and hold onto one another and go, oh, you know
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  Speaker 3: this is wonderful. I love you. And our children quite
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  Speaker 3: often will be touch mees as well. They love to
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  Speaker 3: be acknowledged. They love to feel our presence close to them.
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  Speaker 3: Then we've got to tell me is these are the
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  Speaker 3: people who love to be told I love you, you're
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  Speaker 3: special to me, you're wonderful. And there's a lot of
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  Speaker 3: children who really thrive and really flourish when they get
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  Speaker 3: that kind of a that kind of verbal acknowledgment that
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  Speaker 3: they're loved. And of course you know that some kids
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  Speaker 3: hate that. You know, when you give some kids a
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  Speaker 3: compliment and tell them how much you love them, and
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  Speaker 3: they just sort of go or squirmy and squish and say,
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  Speaker 3: don't say stuff embarrassing. And then there's the show me.
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  Speaker 3: These are the ones who love it when we give
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  Speaker 3: them treats and give them gifts and show them by
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  Speaker 3: doing things for them. And now, like I said earlier,
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  Speaker 3: some people are really high maintenance, whether they're children or adults,
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  Speaker 3: and they're all five. Some people are only really just that,
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  Speaker 3: you know, the two universal ones plus one of those
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  Speaker 3: other three. But when we can tap in to the
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  Speaker 3: love languages of our family, whether it's our kids or
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  Speaker 3: whether it's our spouse or even our mother in law,
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  Speaker 3: and we can express to them love in the way
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  Speaker 3: that they like it to be expressed to them, it's
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  Speaker 3: just wonderful for family relationships.
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  Speaker 1: Our seven year old's been going through a phase justin
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  Speaker 1: where he's constantly saying to every single day, often multiple
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  Speaker 1: times a day, you're the best mum ever, and you're
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  Speaker 1: the best dad ever. I love you. And he's very
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  Speaker 1: verbal in that, and it makes me think he's in
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  Speaker 1: that phase of discovering what his own love language is.
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  Speaker 1: That he's using words, and that's showing us that he
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  Speaker 1: likes words as well. That's what I'm starting to think
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  Speaker 1: with this little seven year old who's reaching an age
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  Speaker 1: of reason.
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  Speaker 2: And one of the five year olds won't let us
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  Speaker 2: go without a cuddle and everything. Everything's all about touch
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  Speaker 2: with him. It's fascinating to see them unravel. What do you,
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  Speaker 2: Reckon sues The three of them are given, they're all.
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  Speaker 1: Touch me, He's definitely. They're all very cuddly. Oh no,
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  Speaker 1: maybe less so Ruyden. But lastly touch me and tell me.
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  Speaker 4: I reckon.
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  Speaker 2: Rudin's to tell me. Yeah. His eyes light up justin
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  Speaker 2: when you praise him and when you acknowledge him, when
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  Speaker 2: you tell him what a wonderful job, he's just eyes
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  Speaker 2: get big and around. He doesn't necessarily say a lot back,
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  Speaker 2: but he certainly looks for it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and you'll also notice that people will demonstrate their
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  Speaker 3: preferred love language by the way that they express love
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  Speaker 3: to others. So if you've got somebody who was always
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  Speaker 3: telling other people how much they love them, they're probably
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  Speaker 3: a tell me. And quite often in marriages at least,
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  Speaker 3: you'll find that tell me will marry, touch mees or
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  Speaker 3: show me, and there'll be this incompatibility and the wife
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  Speaker 3: will say, he never tells me how much he loves me.
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  Speaker 3: He's always just trying to grab hold of me, drives
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  Speaker 3: me crazy. And the bloke will be saying, she keeps
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  Speaker 3: on telling me how much she loves me, but she
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  Speaker 3: never really shows me by grabbing hold of me. And
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  Speaker 3: so we need to watch what our spouses and partners
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  Speaker 3: are doing and what our kids are doing so that
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  Speaker 3: we can respond the way they seem to express it
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  Speaker 3: the most, because that will usually be a nice indicator
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  Speaker 3: of what their language of love is.
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  Speaker 2: No doubt, my dad, the Aussie Mail, grew up as
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  Speaker 2: a show me as far as he was concerned. He
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  Speaker 2: told us every day he loved it when he worked
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  Speaker 2: really hard and put food on the table and did
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  Speaker 2: whatever it needed to do to feed us and to
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  Speaker 2: house us, and that was his his show me love,
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  Speaker 2: no question.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and then and then we've got to make sure
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  Speaker 3: that we respond to the to the tell me as
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  Speaker 3: well by saying thank you. They just if you're a
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  Speaker 3: tell me and you hear gratitude, oh my goodness, it
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  Speaker 3: just makes everything worthwhile. So good.
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  Speaker 1: It's good to explore this topic and start to actively
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  Speaker 1: think about what our children's love languages are so that
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  Speaker 1: we can make sure they always know that they're in
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  Speaker 1: a place where they are loved. Doctor Justin Coulson from
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com todare you always great to catch up.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for your time.
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  Speaker 3: Let's do it again soon. Thanks guys.
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  Speaker 1: For more info in all of Justin's books, podcasts, and programs,
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  Speaker 1: you can jump online to Happy families dot com DoD
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  Speaker 1: are you to find out how to have Justin speak
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: at your school, or you can come along to your
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: organization as well. Go to Justin Coulson dot com