Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 142: When You Feel Unsupported in Your Goals

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142: When You Feel Unsupported in Your Goals · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is Marianne Walker and I am your life coach.
• 0:25
  And as you know, 2025 is in full swing.
• 0:29
  And many people choose to write new year's resolutions with the new year.
• 0:34
  And I know some of you decided to start your resolutions on January 1st, others of you decided to wait until the first Monday, which would have been this last week and still others of you really are mindful about using this season of winter as a time to turn inward and self reflect.
• 0:49
  And then you set your goals and resolutions in the spring time when things feel a bit more naturally expansive.
• 0:56
  So wherever you're at in your goal journey, make sure that you bookmark this episode as well as all of them for January.
• 1:02
  So make sure you're subscribed.
• 1:03
  Because they're going to be talking about goals for the entire month.
• 1:07
  Now I recently asked on my social media, what it was that was coming up for you.
• 1:12
  What was making it hard for you to stay resolved when it comes to your new year's resolutions?
• 1:19
  And honestly, the number one answer did not surprise me one bit, as you know, I work with the helpers, the healers and the people pleasers.
• 1:26
  And these are people that are really deep feeling.
• 1:29
  And they kind of have this super power of knowing exactly how to show up in love and support for other people.
• 1:35
  They're really good at offering to volunteer time, to support other people on their goals.
• 1:39
  They're very good at cheering people on and asking them about their progress.
• 1:43
  These are the best cheerleaders and the best supporters that I know.
• 1:48
  And also, it might not surprise you that the number one answer that people shared when it comes to what's making it hard for them to maintain their resolutions was feeling unsupported by others.
• 1:59
  So while these are people that are amazing at showing up for other people, they're often left feeling unsupported themselves.
• 2:06
  So, let me give you a few examples of what that unsupport looks like.
• 2:10
  Right?
• 2:10
  So maybe it's a partner who is bringing home all of the sweet treats and all the leftovers from work.
• 2:15
  When you're trying to cut sugar, or maybe it's friends inviting you to go out when you're trying to quit drinking but every single activity seems to be taking place with drinks, or maybe somebody is even explicitly stating to you that, Hey, that's really inconvenient for me, for you to make these changes.
• 2:32
  This is really hard for me.
• 2:33
  Haven't you thought about me?
• 2:35
  And it can really hard when you are a deep feeling person.
• 2:38
  To see that people aren't willing to accommodate, they're not as intuitive when it comes to knowing what it is that you might need by way of support.
• 2:45
  So they're just going about their lives, doing things the way they always have while you're trying to make big changes, or they're explicitly telling you, Hey, that's super inconvenient for me to make changes.
• 2:54
  And it's just really overwhelming.
• 2:56
  So I totally understand that overwhelm and yeah, it can feel really discouraging.
• 3:02
  So today I want to share with you three tips on how to continue to move forward with your goals, even when you're feeling unsupported.
• 3:11
  And my number one tip is practice being okay with other people feeling uncomfortable.
• 3:19
  I've said it on this podcast before, and I'm going to say it again.
• 3:22
  Either way you're going to be uncomfortable.
• 3:24
  Discomfort is a part of life.
• 3:26
  Life is 50, 50, and half of it doesn't feel super great.
• 3:30
  So when you're making these changes, remind yourself that okay.
• 3:34
  Either way, I'm going to feel uncomfortable.
• 3:36
  I'm either going to feel uncomfortable with things remaining exactly the same.
• 3:39
  And I already know what result that created.
• 3:42
  Or I could feel uncomfortable creating something new.
• 3:45
  That yeah.
• 3:45
  while it's going to be a little bit of short-term discomfort, ultimately, I'm going to be a happier, healthier, more balanced version of me.
• 3:53
  So allow other people to be a little bit uncomfortable as you are making these changes.
• 3:59
  It's actually totally normal.
• 4:00
  For them to be a little bit uncomfortable also, because they've come to expect you to show up in a certain way.
• 4:07
  They're expecting you to show up the way that you have in 2024.
• 4:10
  They want the old you, the old you that they already know how accommodating you are.
• 4:14
  They already knew what your schedule was like.
• 4:15
  They knew how flexible you'd be.
• 4:17
  they've come Accustomed to all of the ways that you showed up is your past self.
• 4:23
  And now you're working to create change for yourself and it might kind of shake things up a bit.
• 4:27
  It's okay for them to feel a little bit uncomfortable with that.
• 4:30
  And it's okay for you to make those changes.
• 4:33
  So practice being okay with them, experiencing a little bit of discomfort as you make those changes.
• 4:38
  Because the truth is that you're making changes.
• 4:41
  It does actually have an impact on those around you.
• 4:43
  So not only is it in their mind about all of the ways that you used to show up and now they feel a little bit uncomfortable with you're making changes, but it might legitimately have an impact on them.
• 4:52
  For example, maybe that's the way your partner shows love is by picking up a sweet treat every time they go to the store.
• 4:59
  So the first time they come home with a sweet treat in the new year and you're reminding them, oh, remember, I'm not having sugar anymore.
• 5:06
  They might feel that it's a rejection of them.
• 5:08
  They might feel kind of uncomfortable because they're thinking, oh no.
• 5:11
  Now we have to find a new way to demonstrate my love.
• 5:15
  But guess what?
• 5:16
  It's okay for them to feel uncomfortable in that way.
• 5:19
  That is a good form of discomfort, a discomfort that is propelling them to find more ways to love you and more supportive ways to love you is actually a wonderful form of discomfort.
• 5:30
  Or maybe your partner is feeling a little bit uncomfortable because you've decided that you want to work out first thing in the morning.
• 5:36
  And that means that your alarm is going off earlier.
• 5:38
  So it might be impacting their sleep.
• 5:39
  They might have to adapt when they go to bed or when they wake up accordingly, because you're making changes, but that still doesn't mean that you shouldn't make the changes that you're making, that you shouldn't become that healthier version of you.
• 5:52
  So acknowledge that yeah, they're going to be a little bit uncomfortable.
• 5:55
  I'm going to be a little bit uncomfortable.
• 5:57
  That is a part of the process.
• 5:59
  And it's O K.
• 6:01
  So really work to embrace and practice that radical acceptance.
• 6:05
  That.
• 6:05
  Yeah, there's going to be a little bit of discomfort as we work to navigate these changes and it's going to be okay.
• 6:12
  All right.
• 6:12
  Tip number two, surround yourself with like-minded people.
• 6:16
  intentionally spend time with people and invest your time and energy into people who already embody the habits and the behaviors that you are wanting to normalize in your life.
• 6:26
  Now, when I say this, I am not saying that you need to cut off everybody who's not in alignment.
• 6:30
  Okay.
• 6:31
  I'm not saying that though.
• 6:32
  There may be some people that you choose that.
• 6:34
  Yeah, it's a better for me to cut them off.
• 6:35
  That's not what I'm saying here.
• 6:37
  But what I am saying is intentionally invest into the people that are in alignment with the goals that you want to make.
• 6:44
  And not only in alignment, but it's something that feels normal and natural.
• 6:48
  It's a normal and natural part of their lives.
• 6:51
  So, for example, if you were having a hard time working out, because nobody that you know works out, maybe you want to start spending time at the gym.
• 6:59
  Maybe you want to just plan the, okay.
• 7:00
  Every Monday I'm going to go to yoga and every Wednesday I'm going to go to kickboxing.
• 7:04
  You can have your plan in place.
• 7:06
  And then rather than hearing all the questions about, well, why are you missing all of these activities to go to the gym?
• 7:11
  Instead, you will have a community in place where it's a normal and natural thing to be showing up for those classes.
• 7:17
  And instead you'll be getting questions like, oh, Hey.
• 7:19
  Yeah.
• 7:19
  Also, am I going to see you next Wednesday?
• 7:22
  And Hey, I missed you in class! And it will be questions that will help to encourage you're showing up in the ways that you really want to create that lasting change.
• 7:31
  Another option might be that maybe at work, you decide that you want to start a walking club where every lunch break, then you want to just go on a walk with everybody, with whoever would like to come.
• 7:40
  And you're going on a walk.
• 7:41
  You're creating this community where it's a normal and natural part of your life.
• 7:45
  It will make it feel so much easier to maintain your goals when it's something that feels normal and natural.
• 7:52
  And when you're surrounding yourself with people where it feels normal and natural to show up in those more healthy and supportive ways.
• 7:59
  And while I could get into the science of why all of this works, then honestly, I think anyone who's ever been a teenager ever, they already know and understand the impact that other people can have on you.
• 8:11
  We already know the other people can have significant impact on us for better or for worse.
• 8:16
  So for example, if it is normal and natural with the people that you hang out with to, in their downtime, that they are just going to watch TV and scroll on their phones, it's going to be significantly more likely for you that during your downtime, that you're going to be watching TV and scrolling your phone.
• 8:32
  And it might even be so normal and natural that when you get together, that's all you talk about is, oh, did you see the bachelor last night?
• 8:38
  Right?
• 8:38
  You gonna be talking about all of those things because that's, what's normal and natural.
• 8:42
  If, however, you're spending time with people where in their downtime, then they spend their time listening to music, going to concerts or reading a book.
• 8:50
  Then when you get together, it's going to be normal and natural to talk about, oh, Hey, what are you reading?
• 8:54
  Oh, she started a book club on it.
• 8:56
  Oh, what concert do you want to go to?
• 8:58
  That's going to feel normal and natural and you get to pick which of those options is most supportive for you.
• 9:05
  If you're spending time with people where they're kind of pessimistic and gossipy, it is more likely that you will be pessimistic and gossipy, but if you're choosing to intentionally invest into people that are all about self-development that listen to amazing podcasts like this one.
• 9:23
  And they try really hard to be positive.
• 9:25
  Then it's more likely when you get together, it's going to be like, oh, Hey, did you listen to that last episode on MaryAnn's podcast?
• 9:31
  It was so good.
• 9:31
  Let's talk about it and see what we can do.
• 9:33
  It's going to be a completely different conversation when you're intentionally investing into those spaces and making that a normal and natural part of your life.
• 9:42
  So build that community and make it feel normal and natural, to, reduce that resistance and also naturally create that level of support that you're seeking as you work towards your goals.
• 9:54
  All right.
• 9:54
  And tip number three, remind yourself of your, why.
• 9:58
  Look at the deeper purpose behind the habits and behaviors that you want to implement.
• 10:04
  On the surface it's like, oh yeah, I want to lose five pounds.
• 10:06
  I want to quit sugar.
• 10:07
  I want to, whatever.
• 10:08
  Right.
• 10:08
  We tend to focus a lot on the action.
• 10:11
  But ask yourself what's underneath that.
• 10:13
  What's my, why?
• 10:14
  Okay, well, maybe I want to cut sugar because I have just discovered I'm pre-diabetic.
• 10:20
  And I really want to improve my health.
• 10:22
  Keep that in the forefront of your mind.
• 10:24
  Remember what your, why is.
• 10:26
  Maybe you want to work out, not just so that you can look amazing in your swimming suit in the summer, but also because you want to increase your mobility and your longevity of life.
• 10:36
  You want to live longer.
• 10:37
  You want to reduce pain.
• 10:39
  Notice what it is that your why is, and be really conscientious about that.
• 10:44
  And when you really remember your why.
• 10:46
  It can help us to power through, even when we're feeling a little bit discouraged or a little bit unsupported.
• 10:52
  When we really feel into that.
• 10:54
  So feel into your why.
• 10:57
  All right.
• 10:57
  So your challenge for this week is first to identify an area where you have held back.
• 11:02
  And this might be out of fear of other people's reactions, or maybe you fear that you won't be supported, but identify one area where you've been holding back out of fear.
• 11:11
  And then the second thing I want you to do is seek out a person or a community, this can be in-person or online, where you can feel supported, seek out that support on purpose.
• 11:22
  I know many of my listeners, one thing that really holds them back is just asking for support.
• 11:27
  In fact, that might be one of your goals for this year is asking for support.
• 11:31
  Some of the changes that you're making, they might actually require some support from others.
• 11:35
  You might need support with maintaining your household or watching the kids.
• 11:40
  You might need some things in place in order for you to succeed.
• 11:44
  And it's okay to ask for help.
• 11:46
  Don't let your fear that somebody will say no prevent you from showing up for you.
• 11:51
  You're really good at showing up for other people.
• 11:53
  And remember their brains don't work like yours do.
• 11:56
  They don't know what it is that you need.
• 11:58
  So lean into that discomfort of actually making a request, asking them to show up for you, telling them, Hey, I could really use a buddy going on a walk.
• 12:07
  Could you come with me?
• 12:08
  I would really appreciate it.
• 12:09
  Or, Hey, I would really appreciate it.
• 12:11
  If we could just keep all sugar out of our house completely.
• 12:14
  Is that something we could do?
• 12:15
  Or maybe you just keep it out of sight from me so that I don't have to see it.
• 12:19
  It's okay to tell people how it is that they can support you on your journey.
• 12:22
  Don't let your fear.
• 12:24
  Of rejection or your fear of them telling,you no, hold you back from creating a life that you really truly want.
• 12:31
  And that kind of leads into the number three is write down your why and place it in a place where you can see it and maintain that motivation.
• 12:39
  So if you are feeling unsupported, if you are not even sure where to start, maybe you aren't sure how to set boundaries.
• 12:46
  Around your goals, maybe you aren't sure how to make requests of other people.
• 12:49
  Maybe you're struggling to find a community of support.
• 12:52
  You're struggling for the goals that you've set to feel normal and natural, you find other obstacles in your way.
• 12:58
  If so, I am here to help you.
• 12:59
  So come and work with me.
• 13:01
  I would love to work with you.
• 13:03
  You can find all of my contact information in the show notes.
• 13:06
  I work with my clients on a six week basis.
• 13:08
  Some people that work with me for six weeks and then that's all that we do.
• 13:11
  And they're great.
• 13:12
  Others have actually been working with me for over a year now and we.
• 13:16
  We just really enjoy that time together.
• 13:18
  And we kind of shift up our goals in six week increments.
• 13:21
  In fact, it's kind of interesting.
• 13:22
  I've made a point to ask all my clients with the new year.
• 13:24
  If they have resolutions, they've like help and support with.
• 13:27
  And some of my newer clients, they say, yes, this is what I want to work on.
• 13:31
  And this is great.
• 13:32
  And others of my clients, because we have been working together in six week increments, then we kind of just set a goal for every six weeks.
• 13:39
  And that's kind of how it works.
• 13:40
  It helps it to feel a bit more digestible, a bit more doable.
• 13:43
  And so if you would like to work with me, I would love to work with you and we can work around whatever it is that's coming up for you for whatever time you would like to work together.
• 13:52
  So, all right.
• 13:53
  I hope you have a great week and.
• 13:54
  Make sure again, that you're subscribed next week.
• 13:57
  I'm going to be talking with Kellyn Legath.
• 13:59
  She is my friend and fellow coach.
• 14:01
  She's probably my most frequent guest here on the podcast.
• 14:04
  And I always love our conversations.
• 14:07
  We're going to be talking next week about how to make 2025, a love letter to you.
• 14:12
  Um, just as a little sneak peak.
• 14:14
  One of the things she talked about that really resonated with me was so often we talk about hitting the ground running and starting it off hard and strong, and she really talks about starting the year off soft.
• 14:25
  And what might that look like to approach it with softness and love as you're working to create those changes?
• 14:30
  So make sure you're subscribed because it's a beautiful episode.
• 14:33
  All right, well, have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 14:35
  Bye now.