Latest / The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast / No Kids Club

Transcript

No Kids Club · The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, friends. Yeah, I'm stuck in some pretty horrific fucking traffic right now.
• 0:05
  I love Winnipeg so much. It's great. I love that.
• 0:08
  They always redo the one road that I need to get to work.
• 0:12
  And you can only travel 30 kilometers an hour for I don't know how many kilometers.
• 0:17
  Maybe four. What is that in miles? I don't know.
• 0:21
  Three? Almost three? 2.6? I don't know. Okay.
• 0:25
  It's not my job to do that math for you. It's your job.
• 0:28
  Get on board with the fucking metric system, you guys. Although our brains in
• 0:32
  Canada, for my generation, are trapped firmly between the two.
• 0:37
  What am I calling you for? To bore you. I'm stuck in traffic and now I'm going
• 0:40
  to bore you with it, okay? My loss is your loss.
• 0:44
  I've had a weird experience and I want to share it with you.
• 0:46
  Number one, I don't know how I did this, but I have apparently been cross-posting
• 0:51
  to threads for I don't know how long, and I don't remember turning that on or
• 0:55
  how that happened or why that happened, but it happened.
• 0:58
  Long story short, okay, my daughter has these two weird nerd friends,
• 1:03
  and they're annoying, okay?
• 1:07
  And you're like, oh, but they're children.
• 1:09
  God loves all, God loves all the little children.
• 1:13
  No, he doesn't. He doesn't love these two, okay? Let me tell you a little story
• 1:15
  about them. They're just weird. And like, look, like, I'm weird, okay? I know I'm weird.
• 1:20
  I understand that. But these kids are, like, weird in a way that I am uncomfortable with.
• 1:25
  They'd been to my house a few times. You know, I've known them.
• 1:28
  They've gone to the same daycare for like, I don't know, a billion years now. And...
• 1:34
  I just, I don't know. I don't know what to do with this situation.
• 1:38
  So here's what happens regularly is, you know, we get up in the morning,
• 1:44
  morning routine, get home after work. I have a coffee.
• 1:46
  And for the first time, and I'm going to say like at least five years,
• 1:51
  I got the kids McDonald's and I also got McDonald's.
• 1:55
  Like I usually don't, not because I'm like, you know, on some diet or something.
• 1:59
  It's just because it usually gives me diarrhea.
• 2:01
  And I don't, I don't think that's worth it a lot
• 2:04
  of the time but this day I was very hungry and I'm like fuck you know I haven't had a
• 2:07
  Big Mac oh the last time I had a Big Mac was when my daughter
• 2:10
  and her little friend started a fight with a kid and
• 2:13
  like beat him up and then the mom wanted to beat me up at a McDonald's that's
• 2:17
  the last time I had a Big Mac I cannot remember what that show was called anyway
• 2:20
  whatever it's not important get the Big Mac at my fries I'm so excited I sit
• 2:24
  down and there's a knock at the door it's like five o'clock and I go and open
• 2:29
  the door and it's fucking millhouse and his little fucking his sister.
• 2:33
  And I'm just like, oh, fuck, what are you guys doing here? Like why?
• 2:37
  When I was a kid growing up, there was this time and it was called supper time.
• 2:41
  And it was from approximately five to like six or 630, depending, right?
• 2:46
  And you just didn't go knock on your friend's doors at supper time.
• 2:51
  Now, these kids don't know that, but their parents do.
• 2:53
  It was just like this kind of no go time.
• 2:56
  And they're at my door. And now like, you know I'm an
• 2:59
  Italian mother I I don't want I'm not going to sit there and eat McDonald's
• 3:03
  in front of these kids because that's like horrible right so I'm like hey you
• 3:06
  guys want some fries and they're like oh yeah sure we love fries and then I
• 3:09
  like you know I gave them my fries because I'm not an animal and they're happily
• 3:13
  munching away and then my daughter's sharing their chicken nuggets with them and I'm just like.
• 3:18
  When do you guys have supper? And she's like, oh, we're having pizza. And I was like, oh, okay.
• 3:22
  I'm like, I don't want to ruin your supper because your mom's worked really
• 3:25
  hard on this pizza and I don't want her to, she's like, oh no,
• 3:28
  it's just going to the microwave.
• 3:29
  And I was like, yeah, but if you, if you load up on a bunch of like,
• 3:32
  you know, not very nutritious food here and then you go home,
• 3:35
  your mom's going to be upset. Oh, she won't care. And I'm like, well, okay.
• 3:38
  And then this just kept like happening like day after day after day.
• 3:41
  And they would just keep coming.
• 3:43
  And you know, everybody hits a point where they're like, okay, now fuck off.
• 3:46
  Right? Like, I know you're a child and I don't want to hurt you or bruise your
• 3:49
  little tiny ego or anything like that, but fuck off, right?
• 3:53
  And I make a point of it whenever my daughter's like, oh, I'm going to go invite
• 3:56
  them to play. I text first just to see like, A, are you home?
• 4:00
  B, do you have the mental capacity for your kids to play with my kid?
• 4:04
  Give them the option to say no. That's what I usually do.
• 4:08
  But no, nobody picked up on that. Yada, yada. These kids are strange.
• 4:11
  Okay, so one of them is nine, and the little boy, Milhouse, is,
• 4:15
  I'm going to say, six, probably.
• 4:20
  And, you know, cool. They come over. Not cool. I don't like them.
• 4:23
  And the little boy immediately is like, can I have a snack?
• 4:27
  And then he does, like, puppy dog eyes. And I'm just like, at first it was cute,
• 4:31
  and then I'm just like, ugh.
• 4:33
  And I said, didn't you just eat supper? Like, weren't you just at home eating
• 4:36
  supper? He's like, yeah, I had supper. I'm like, and you're still hungry?
• 4:40
  And he said, yeah. And I'm like, okay, well, how about I get you some of our
• 4:43
  supper that we just had? It's chicken stir fry. Do you want some of that? No.
• 4:47
  I'm like, okay, so you're not hungry? He's like, no, I'm hungry.
• 4:49
  And I'm like, well, what do you want? He's like, do you have ice cream?
• 4:54
  Oh my fucking God, you weird little fucking... Okay, fine. I get the kids ice
• 4:59
  cream. Okay, listen, I'm a softie, all right?
• 5:02
  Next time we come over the third day and he walks in my house,
• 5:06
  like he knocks on the door and then walks in the house with his sister.
• 5:10
  And I'm like, okay, this is strange, right?
• 5:12
  And then he starts rummaging through my freezer and I'm just standing there like dumbfounded.
• 5:18
  What, what is happening here? And then he didn't find anything that he really
• 5:22
  wanted. So he opened the pantry and then he grabbed a box of Girl Guide cookies
• 5:26
  and he starts eating them.
• 5:28
  And I'm like, okay, like there's like a line, right? Like, you know, I don't want to be rude.
• 5:33
  I don't want to be mean. But also, like, you can't go through your life thinking
• 5:36
  that you can do this at a virtual stranger's house.
• 5:40
  I, right? Okay? Yeah. And I'm just like, okay.
• 5:46
  Okay. And Sarah's like, we got to tell them something. Like,
• 5:48
  they can't just do this. Like, it's so weird. But it's like also like you don't want to crush a child.
• 5:54
  Anyway, they ate an entire box of Girl Guide cookies between the two of them.
• 5:59
  And I thought, well, I don't know.
• 6:00
  Good luck to their fucking parents because their mom is a real almond
• 6:03
  mom and if you don't know what that is it means they're like real
• 6:07
  into like you know not letting their kids have full sugar
• 6:10
  cereal and cookies and ice cream like my house is pretty much a free-for-all
• 6:14
  because like I don't know I never had any food withheld at my house it was always
• 6:18
  like you know help yourself kind of thing yeah I filled them full of sugar that
• 6:23
  dance at the mall anyway my point being at some point in my Facebook career,
• 6:27
  which I, I'm going to quit at some point.
• 6:30
  I'm just, I don't know. I just use it for funsies.
• 6:32
  It's how I get like sourdough recipes, basically. It's my doorway to sourdough.
• 6:36
  And at some point I have been cross posting to threads, which I don't even really
• 6:40
  know what it is. Like, I think it's kind of like a, like a Twitter thing.
• 6:44
  And I made a post something along the lines of, is there a polite way to stop,
• 6:50
  to get my neighbor to stop sending her kids to my house at suppertime every fucking day.
• 6:55
  I don't even like my own fucking kids or something like that. Right.
• 6:59
  And apparently it cross posted to threads and I had no idea. And I was like, it's.
• 7:05
  And then I look and my post has like 375 likes and then like all of these comments.
• 7:11
  And I thought, what the fuck? I don't even remember doing this.
• 7:14
  So I start reading the comments and oh my God, these people are fucking just,
• 7:19
  well, you don't love your kids and you put it on the internet.
• 7:21
  Oh my God. Well, maybe you should feed them. They might not have any food at home.
• 7:26
  And I'm just like, dude, their dad, their dad is a microbiologist.
• 7:30
  Okay. The mom is a teacher, not working all summer.
• 7:34
  Their kids are in daycare from 8
• 7:37
  in the morning till 4 30 and at my house
• 7:40
  at 5 okay so everyone calm the fuck down a little bit okay I just feel like
• 7:46
  hey you know she's not working I am working her kids are in daycare till 4 30
• 7:53
  not out of necessity but just because she needs some quiet time and I don't
• 7:57
  blame her because if those were my kids I'd fucking send them to daycare too okay.
• 8:00
  And then they're at my house like how about
• 8:03
  you and extend an invitation here and there you
• 8:06
  know once in a fucking while you invite my kid to your house I feel like 90%
• 8:12
  of the time the kids are at my house whichever kid it is they're at my house
• 8:15
  90% of the time and then maybe maybe one out of 10 times we get invited over
• 8:20
  there maybe is it because my kids are cunts and nobody wants them around? Maybe.
• 8:24
  I'm not ruling that out, okay? Like, I'm not so oblivious that I don't realize that could be the issue.
• 8:31
  But I think the real thing is my house has tons of pop and chips and cookies
• 8:35
  and candy, and they want to come over and party real hard. That's my guess, okay?
• 8:40
  That's my, I'm just putting that out there. So anyway, I was surprised by threads
• 8:43
  and how the vast majority of the internet cannot understand a joke.
• 8:47
  And then I was berated for starving these poor children, And then I got told
• 8:52
  about all the times that people, people's kids would come to their house.
• 8:57
  And I always said, well, guess what, man? Like there is no village anymore. Okay.
• 9:02
  All of these adults are fucking exhausted. It's not 1985 where one parent stays
• 9:06
  home. We are all working. We're all tied.
• 9:12
  Here's another example of how weird they are. The mom sends them out,
• 9:15
  quote unquote, to play, which means come to my house so I can feed you and watch
• 9:19
  you and not be alone in my own home, which is my only sanctuary to the awful outside world.
• 9:25
  And for once, Sarah was like, hey, why don't you guys go play outside?
• 9:32
  And they actually did it. Because every other time she suggested it,
• 9:36
  they're always like, no, we want to play inside.
• 9:38
  I'm hungry. Fuck. She tricked them into going outside somehow. it was really great.
• 9:42
  And guess what happened? They went to a park that I'm going to say is like a
• 9:46
  two-minute bike ride from Milhouse's house.
• 9:49
  Two minutes. This kid decides, oh, I have to poop. It's an emergency.
• 9:53
  They have bikes. What do you think they did?
• 9:56
  No, no, they didn't ride their bikes home to poop. They decided it would be
• 10:00
  a good idea to start knocking on people's doors to shit in their house.
• 10:07
  I'm sorry, what? So my daughter comes home and tells me this story,
• 10:09
  and I'm just like, I'm like, oh, okay, you don't even have to lure kids anymore.
• 10:13
  They'll just knock on your door and come in.
• 10:15
  And I had to sit her down and have a real big talk with her about safety because
• 10:19
  you never go into a stranger's house ever for any reason.
• 10:23
  I said, you guys were so close to his house. Why didn't you just bike there?
• 10:26
  She's like, I don't know. They wanted to start knocking on doors to go to the bathroom.
• 10:30
  What? Like, fuck. Do you see what I mean? Like, this isn't a normal situation.
• 10:35
  These kids like need help. They have, they have some problems.
• 10:38
  Like, no, Milhouse, either shit your pants or go home. Those are your choices.
• 10:45
  Not start knocking on, and imagine opening the door and there's some weird little
• 10:48
  kid there who wants to shit in your bathroom, probably not wipe properly,
• 10:53
  and probably not even wash his hands.
• 10:55
  Like, no, yuck, go away, fuck, you know?
• 10:59
  So like, just for the record, I am apparently a terrible mother,
• 11:04
  which is why all these kids clamor to come to my fucking house, and I don't like my.
• 11:11
  And if you think that all parents everywhere like their kids all the time, no, they don't.
• 11:17
  Your parents didn't like you.
• 11:20
  Okay? My parents didn't like me. And looking back, I can see why.
• 11:26
  Because I was an asshole.
• 11:28
  Okay? That's why. So when my kids drag me into therapy and want an explanation
• 11:34
  for why I didn't want their nerd friends at my house, I'll have this to play
• 11:38
  for them as an example because it's fresh in my mind right now. okay?
• 11:42
  And every time I do something that I worry may be mentally damaging to my kids, I apologize.
• 11:47
  And then I say, save with this one for therapy, okay? Because you're going to
• 11:51
  need something to talk about. You don't have a lot. Okay.
• 11:55
  All right, that's it. I'm done now. I'm so sorry. That wasn't funny at all.
• 11:59
  Weird. Yes. Informative?
• 12:01
  No. Vet other people's parents? Yeah, you should do that. You should do that.
• 12:06
  Okay? And like, I'm gay. Don't you not want your kid at my house?
• 12:09
  Couldn't I indoctrinate them or something? Like, shouldn't take that risk, lady.
• 12:14
  Okay, sorry. Thank you so much for having me. I just want to say one more quick
• 12:17
  thing. I have never, like, seen Cabaret, okay?
• 12:20
  I don't know what has happened to my timeline. I don't know where it came from,
• 12:24
  but somehow Alan Cummings, you know, the world's treasure, Alan Cummings,
• 12:29
  is all over my feed doing Cabaret, and I cannot stop watching these video clips of him.
• 12:35
  He's just, like very expressive and
• 12:38
  I love the way his face moves and how his voice sounds
• 12:41
  and it's like scratching this itch in my brain and I
• 12:45
  don't even like fucking musicals okay but I just wanted to share that with you
• 12:48
  in case you needed a good like brain scratching delightful he's just a fucking
• 12:52
  delight okay I would peg Alan Cummings if he would have me you know he may have
• 12:57
  like a fat fetish and I could just fucking nail that for him but yes big fan
• 13:00
  big fan I just uh and I'm listening to his audio book. Yeah.
• 13:04
  Okay. Oh, you know, I don't know if we should be thankful for his father being
• 13:08
  an absolute massive cunt and making him a better, not better,
• 13:13
  making him who he is today, having to deal with all that bullshit.
• 13:16
  But Jesus Christ, that was a childhood and a half. Like, I'm starting to feel
• 13:19
  like I had it good. You know what I'm saying? Okay. I have to go.
• 13:22
  What do I have to do? Weed whack my mom's shitty, ugly lawn.
• 13:26
  God, I fucking hate grass. Okay. No, you know what? Don't worry about it.
• 13:29
  We're going to be shoveling soon and that'll be its own Oh, fuck.
• 13:33
  I'm already seasonally depressed and it's August. Like, what is the fucking matter with me?
• 13:37
  All right, I hope you guys have a great day. Should I even put this up?
• 13:40
  I don't know, it's kind of stupid.
• 13:41
  Don't try to talk me out of it. I got, like, lots to share.
• 13:46
  Like, what if there's other lesbian moms out there also hating their friends'
• 13:49
  kids? And not all the kids.
• 13:51
  I just hate, like, these two. The other ones are cool and fun and nice.
• 13:55
  Although I think I scared them. Yeah, well, you know what? They should be afraid.
• 13:59
  Okay, I love you so much. Okay, call me later. Okay, bye. Bye,
• 14:02
  bye, bye, bye, bye. No, just, oh, bye.