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Still Not There Yet? How to Keep Going Without Burning Out · Candid Coach Conversations

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Hello there! Have you been building something and you're not real sure what
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is causing it to drag or is not where you hoped it would be?
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Welcome to Candid Coach Conversations.
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I'm Kimberly Boyd, founder of Live Life Fully,
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and today I have with me Amanda Kaufman,
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certified Live Life Fully coach and an author.
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Hi Amanda, thank you for joining us.
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I'm so excited to talk to you about this today.
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Yay, yay, yay. It's a topic that keeps coming up.
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Like whether it be coaches or writers,
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gosh, even some teachers I've heard say recently,
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you know, how come my classroom is not where I hoped it would be,
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or how come my book is not farther along?
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Coaches, how come my coaching business is not where I thought it would be by now?
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And so yeah, keeps coming up so.
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Yes, thank you for joining us and thank you for being willing
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to share your perspective on this.
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Of course, of course. I think,
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Kimberly, this is one of those questions that doesn't usually come up until
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we have a a lot of rapport because so often people do feel that they're
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supposed to be further along or they're supposed to like let's just
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say the plans haven't been working out the way they thought that it would.
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Ha ha
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And and I and yeah, it's my pleasure to talk about it because I do talk to
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a lot of entrepreneurs who
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kinda feel like either they have to give up on the vision or modify
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the vision to such an extent that they're no longer excited by it,
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or they have to accept this version of living that is full of hustle
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and grind and sacrifice and negativity and,
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you know, I I believe that you you you can actually keep the vision
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and have your plan and maybe like
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little more loosely held on exactly how and exactly when.
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Right? Yeah.
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Love it.
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Yeah.
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So tell us how, like how to keep that vision and yet loosely.
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Yeah, yeah. So I think like this is maybe getting a little bit meta,
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so you can yank me back if I if I'm going there,
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like too out there.
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Okay.
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Because I've really thought about this like very,
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very deeply. And so when we're not getting the result that we're actually seeking
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or or looking for, there's a a lot of reasons that that is happening.
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I like to separate it into two piles.
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The stuff I can control.
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And the stuff I can't control.
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And the stuff that you cannot control ends up being like this black hole
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void of energy and attention and consternation and just like emotion
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is just like And it doesn't go anywhere because you couldn't control it
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in the first dang place, right?
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Then
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Right.
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there's this the side of or the pile.
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I'm visualizing two piles. There's a pile of stuff that actually is.
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in your direct control. And I think where a lot of the frustration actually comes
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from is we mix those piles up,
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okay, so much. And and thinking about laundry piles for whatever reason,
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my brain went there. ~ what happens
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Cosh.
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if you put the red socks in with the white linens,
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right? It gets all
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Right.
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mixed up. Everything's pink. You're not quite happy with the white.
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You're not quite happy. Well the red still looks red,
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but
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The point is is it's a mess and now we've got to clean it up.
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So then more consternation, more more issue,
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more frustration. So I think like there have been many people far wiser than
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me that have said suffering comes from expecting the world to be different than
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it is.
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So true.
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And just because just because
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the world is different than your expectations,
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let's say your world, right? My world of bank account,
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my world of friend count, my world of maybe a title at work that I thought
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it was gonna have, or the performance rating of my kids that took these tests,
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or however whatever criteria you're using in your world to determine what
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is good and what is bad, like
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So much of it is not in your control.
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And the stuff that is in your control,
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we forget just how much agency we have to build skills,
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to nurture relationships, and to make better future decisions.
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So yeah, like when things aren't happening as quickly as you like,
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I think you have to look at both piles.
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You have to look at like how are you mixing it all up,
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and most importantly,
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Are you meeting yourself where you actually stand in terms of your capacity
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and your skills and your connections?
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Right? Or are you engaged in the fantasy that you can control things
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you can't control?
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Yes. It's so good. And when I think about my own life or and working toward
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a project or whatever it is, fill in the blank.
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~ when I start having, I'm gonna say doubt.
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So when I have that little doubt or big doubt creep in of gosh,
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this is taking longer than I thought,
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or I'm not good enough at this,
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and that's the reason like all those things.
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That's when I can take pause and usually it's kind of like overwhelm.
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And when I'm start feeling overwhelmed,
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usually, and I don't know who said this first,
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again, person way wiser than me,
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said if you're feeling overwhelmed,
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it's because you're overthinking.
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And when I really stop and look,
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I am overthinking. And what you're saying,
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Amanda, about this, what can you control and what's out of your control?
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~ that goes back to overthinking for me.
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Really, yes, right. If you stare at those piles of laundry for an example,
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they're not getting washed, they're not getting folded,
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they're not getting put away, they're not getting donated,
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nothing happening to them. You're just stressed by the laundry pile.
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Right.
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Right? And again, that's like not accepting what is,
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not accepting your own agency around the responsibility that you could take
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to attempt to affect change.
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And I think like we build a lot of things in our head before we build them
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in reality. And in our
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Yes.
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head, that is our perfect ideal world,
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right? Like we
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Okay.
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have all these expectations. I'm gonna pick on coaches just for a hot sec,
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because I've worked with coaches for so long and I just see this over
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and over again. The number one cardinal rule of coaching,
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and they forget it all the time,
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I forget it too, is.
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You cannot want change more than your client.
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So when coaches go to sell their coaching,
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for example, they are often really surprised at
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how the world doesn't really understand what coaching is,
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usually. Like and and they don't understand immediately the reasons that they should
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listen to you about it. So I think they get really surprised by.
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the amount of personal brand you've got to build and the amount of rapport
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you need to develop and have. And I think they get really surprised.
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And I know this like shook me to my core,
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but they get really surprised when they realize,
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my gosh, not everybody wants to transform today.
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Not everybody wants to make a change today.
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not everybody believes that that's even a priority.
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And if they believe if even if they believe the change is a priority,
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they may not believe that that priority rises above other priorities that that
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person has. So I think most coaches get like really surprised by
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the amount of rejection that a successful coach actually faces.
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And what's funny too, and I I think like we kind of do it to ourselves
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in the industry is as coaches,
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we're so positive.
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We're so helpful, we're so optimistic.
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So we like to say things like,
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you can do it, I believe in you,
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of course you can. Don't think small,
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break outside of the box. We say all of those things,
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which are true. And it is also true that most people don't understand what coaching
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is, most people have other priorities than listening to you about it.
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Most people need quite a bit of evidence and proof to be able to trust you quickly.
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And so those
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Those negative things that we don't talk about as often are not actually negative.
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This is a mindset shift. It's it's the color of the laundry pile.
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It just is. And if you can accept what is,
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this is where the real power comes from.
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And you can start getting some meaningful progress and real change.
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Is when you can accept that I'm gonna have to probably talk to lots
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and lots of people to find one.
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Who's really interested in what I'm doing?
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I'm probably gonna have to scream into the void of the internet for
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a long time before I build a meaningful personal brand.
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I'm probably going to have to learn communication skills that I
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do not presently have so that I can speak in seven second clips on the internet.
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Like that's not a natural way for people to communicate.
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Yeah.
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And yet that's the direction that we're really going.
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And so when I look at people who are really successful,
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it's not that they had the
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The world line up for them to just take all the obstacles out of their path
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and gave them all the resources that you don't have.
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Sometimes people are lucky and they do have some resources,
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but guess what? Like you probably are really lucky too.
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But are you looking at your luck properly to say,
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Right.
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like, I can leverage this capability or the skill set or this relationship?
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You know, in my case, when I started my business,
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I had a big old retirement fund that I went ahead and invested in myself.
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And
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You know, I was lucky I had that.
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And when it when I used it, it was gone.
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And so, like, luck is one of those things that we all have something that makes
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us really lucky, but not very many of us slow down to to say,
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like, how could I leverage this?
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Or will I give my permit myself permission to risk this thing so that
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I can take some steps forward,
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you know? And instead we tend to look at what everybody else has.
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And we assume nobody else has the obstacles.
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And that's just not real. But people that are very successful actually fail
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all the time. They fail a lot.
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They fall on their face. They get embarrassed.
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They have all these negative consequences that average people just don't want
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to even tempt. And so, but like when I look at how come not faster,
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I'm like, well, did you take any risks?
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Did you?
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risk being rejected? Did you risk not looking perfect?
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Did you put any skin in the game?
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Because if you didn't, I mean,
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I don't know for sure that that's the exact one reason,
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but when you pile them all up together,
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it tends to add up to that slower go.
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Mm-hmm.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, so good. And I know we were you were
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talking about coaches there for a bit.
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And as I'm listening, I'm like,
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yeah, and this applies to like all of life.
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I mean, yes, coaching was the example,
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but y'all, it really does apply to all of life.
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Truly.
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It really does. Cause like, where are you lucky?
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Already, where are you lucky? And you
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Right. Right.
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know, maybe you can use those things more effectively in your life
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and your circumstances and situation.
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And I think that obsession over where you're unlucky can be one
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of the biggest things that holds us back.
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Biggest things. Yeah.
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And then also you had mentioned skills.
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Like what skills do you already have?
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And I love you mentioned failure.
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I love well, I love the whole topic of failure,
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and we can talk about that in depth any other day.
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but really and truly, like looking at our skills or the things that
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we have accomplished, like that is evidence that we can.
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And I think it also goes back to time,
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desire, and energy. Where do you want to focus your time?
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Where do you want to focus your energy?
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So deciding like what do you truly desire?
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Get real clear, like get some clarity around that.
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and then okay, how much time?
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And what proof do I have that I can be successful?
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One of my coaches taught me that goals make demands.
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And I loved that one because
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Mm. That is good. Goals make to make
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I'm like, well, yeah, that actually really makes so much sense,
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doesn't it? Because if you have a desire,
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if you have something you'd like to achieve or become or create or do,
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you know, with your with your limited time on this earth,
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you probably don't already have it.
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And if you don't already have it,
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Then yeah, it makes sense. Like you don't have it.
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So this goal is going to make a demand.
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And I think what happens with a lot of people when it comes to goal attainment
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is they find out the price tag.
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And then they go, ooh, that's expensive.
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So I'm gonna give you some examples from business.
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because business is one of my favorite vehicles to do personal development through.
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Like my word, my life has changed radically because I became an entrepreneur,
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you know, and I've been challenged in ways that I was just never I never
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even thought I might be challenged as an entrepreneur.
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Yeah.
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And and I love
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Yes.
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it. I love the I love it as a vehicle for that reason.
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But like in business, you have this idea,
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right? Like you see a problem or a a gap in the world.
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I was actually talking with one of my entrepreneurial friends just this morning
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about this. Is most entrepreneurs see a problem in the world and then they go,
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I want to fix it.
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And that's admirable. That's amazing,
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right? Like, I actually really think that entrepreneurs and small business owners,
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they are the lifeblood of the economy because they dare to say,
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like, hey, this can be done better or this can be done faster or this can be done,
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you know, like it it's amazing.
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It's a huge engine of of our of our society.
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That being said, just because you see it as a problem does
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not mean that the market is ready.
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Or or or that your solution is exactly the the correct one for that situation,
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right? And what can happen as an entrepreneur is you can become very obsessed with
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solving problems. And so I see this a lot,
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like we're recording this in 2026.
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Right now I'm seeing a lot of entrepreneurs spending a huge amount of time in AI,
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which is not bad. I think that's a good thing.
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Use the new tool. And they're just going in willy-nilly.
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So they don't have a vision of like,
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what am I creating here today?
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Am I building a process? Am I improving a workflow?
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Am I doing research? Like, what am I doing before I open up the tool?
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~ the other
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Sure.
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thing I see is is a lot of like,
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I need to be visible. And there's a lot of people really working hard
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on visibility right now. And I gotta tell you,
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they're not even in business and they're working hard on visibility because people
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want visibility for a lot of reasons.
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So then you're in that entrepreneurial mindset,
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right? Like I gotta I gotta solve the problem of visibility.
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The problem is I'm not Tom Cruise famous,
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right? The problem is I'm not famous like this guru that I admire.
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And it's like, well, that may be a prop a problem,
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but is that your problem? Is that the problem that is truly standing
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in the way right now of your greatest vision?
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And so often when I'm coaching with people,
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we find out very, very quickly that the time and energy,
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attention and emotional energy that they're putting into their business
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is to solve problems that won't make them more money,
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won't get them more opportunities to get leads,
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won't get them more skills or more recommendations.
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They're doing things that they think they should do because it's a problem.
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And I saw I saw a funny reel the other day where it was like,
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Somebody was neurodivergent and listening to a doctor that was specializing
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in it and everything. And he said,
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just because it's problem-shaped does not mean that it's a problem for you to solve.
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And I was like, Wow, okay. So I have my theories about neurodivergence
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and entrepreneurship. Pretty sure there's a pretty high incidence
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of neurodivergence and entrepreneurship.
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But yeah, like just because it's problem shaped doesn't make it a problem that
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you need to put your resources and attention towards.
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So, you
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Sure.
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know, and even coming out of entrepreneurship,
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talking to the teacher.
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Who's frustrated that the kids aren't maybe scoring as high or the
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the school's not doing as well as you want it to?
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My heart goes out to you, of course,
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on that. And you are one person in this system.
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So what
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Right.
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is the stuff that you can control?
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It's the hours between when the bell rings and when when the bell rings
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as much as possible. And I know teachers,
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they give way more than that. And you are still one human being.
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in a larger society in a larger system.
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So getting much more clear about okay,
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I may not be able to solve the,
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you know, capital T H E problem.
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And in my area of influence,
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what are the dilemmas or challenges that are the most meaningful that if
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I worked on those things, I'm going to have the most impact towards that thing.
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And
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Mm-hmm.
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that's that's how you decide what to work on.
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Love it.
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Mm-hmm.
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So good. So when you find yourself in that
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I'm gonna say overwhelm or that la world,
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that would be my world.
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Yeah.
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How you catch yourself?
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I'll I'll be so honest, sometimes I don't.
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Say that's
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why I was hoping you would like help the girl out here.
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Sometimes I don't,
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right? Yeah. So, and I mean you're you're you're a genius at at at
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you know brain coaching and and therapy and all that stuff.
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Honestly, you're probably even more ~ qualified to to answer this,
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but I'm just gonna say from my own experience,
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I don't get a lot to say about how I feel at first,
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right? Like when when something happens,
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or I kind of get that presence of like holy Toledo.
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I am having a hard time actually breathing right now,
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you know, because it's just like that is the experience.
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Yes.
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I didn't decide to have that experience,
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you know. It really is more of like a open my eyes and realize,
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holy cow, I'm in a flat panic and I can't like what what is actually happening?
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So so for me, it's just like really finding out that I'm in the spiral and
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the way I usually find out is I'm actually already on the way out.
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So that's for me. And I do have some practices that help me get out faster.
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So one of the ~ one of the practices that I have is I journal every
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day anyway. And what that does is if I have let's just say ~ I've
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got a particularly stressful period and I'm writing down every day,
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whoa, today was really stressful because,
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whoa, today was really stressful because.
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today was really stressful because and I can like see that I am writing
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it down three days in a row. I'm going like,
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wait, hang on a second. Now, the I think what really makes this work is that
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I do it rain or shine, regardless of weather.
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So I used to journal only when I was pissed off.
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And I mean, hey, start where you are.
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It was a super helpful tool when I was feeling a lot of feelings and
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I wanted to process those feelings.
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But when the game changed for me was when I made it into a practice regardless.
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And when I say journal, sometimes it's literally one word because that's
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the energy we have today. ~ but it gives me this habit of noticing every
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day where I'm at emotionally and spiritually and otherwise,
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so that I can start to disrupt the pattern.
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I think the second big tell is actually relationships.
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So if I'm finding that people around me are kind of like,
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you know, starting to kind of get a little wide-eyed at me,
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and it's like, did you you okay?
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You okay? Right? Like you need people around you that are like,
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You okay? that will call you out on your bullshit,
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which honestly, like I didn't have a lot of that for like a lot of my life.
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So so one of the biggest things about entrepreneurship I've really appreciated.
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Is that it has opened the door to more high quality relationships where people
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notice it's like, hey, you've been kind of quiet,
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or hey, you know, you seem so happy.
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And no, you seem kind of like you're not.
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Has anything changed? And having people actually ask you that question
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and pause to hear the answer, that's like life game-changing stuff.
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But it really helps me stay out of that sensation.
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And the third tactic.
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And I I don't know how you're gonna feel about this one,
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is I I have largely banned the word overwhelm.
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~ love that.
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I have.
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Yeah, I know I know like you're you're big into language.
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The reason I banned the word overwhelm is because
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I would prefer to use more more specific language to describe
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the feeling I'm having. And what I found out with overwhelm for
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me was that sometimes I was using it when I meant that I was in kind
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of a depressive sort of a state where I was having a hard time motivating.
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And sometimes I was using it when I was in more of an anxious state where
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I was perhaps hyper-vigilant or like overactivated.
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And I was using the same word to describe both states.
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Now, both
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Yes.
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states stop me from making progress,
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right? So
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Yes.
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it's helpful to have a word versus saying I feel good or I feel bad.
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Overwhelmed better than that. But I challenged myself to say,
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like, and how are you really feeling?
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Because
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When I could do that, let's just say it's more of a motivation issue,
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more of like a depressive thing.
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I can go, wait a second. I can address that usually through physiology.
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Actually, I'll go for a walk, I'll hydrate,
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I'll have a nap, right? Like the the answer is high quality recentering.
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Yes.
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If
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if the overwhelm I'm experiencing is more like a hypervigilance,
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what's happening is my brain is catastrophizing about the future.
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Ha
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ha ha.
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And
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like really fixating on whatever seems really important to me at that time,
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right? So the solution to that isn't necessarily to sit,
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because if I sit in that, it goes.
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So
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Yeah.
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what I do instead is if I can identify like I'm really usually anxiety
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and frustration to me, like they go hand in hand.
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It's like I'm really frustrated.
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What's frustrating you or what's scaring you?
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What are you worried about? And
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I really slow that down to answer the question fully.
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I call it staring down the bear.
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With depression, staring down the bear is actually really bad.
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~ because I'm ruminating, I'm fixating on the thing.
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Right. Yes.
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But
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when I'm when I'm really like hyper-vigilant,
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staring down the bear to me is naming the fear.
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What am I afraid is gonna happen?
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And then what does that mean?
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And then what does that mean about
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Yes.
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me?
23:25
And when I get all the way to the end of that,
23:27
I realize number one, the thing I'm worried about probably isn't even a thing.
23:30
Number two, the thing that I'm worried about,
23:33
even if it is a thing, it's a thing I can totally handle.
23:35
Right. And I can kind of come back to center.
23:38
So either way, if you're in an overwhelmed state,
23:41
it really is building the skills and tool sets for you to get back to center
23:46
so that you can make higher quality decisions from there.
23:49
Yeah, so good. And I love that you said that about overwhelm.
23:52
and as you were talking, I'm like,
23:54
~ first of all, love it that you've identified that it was like this overarching
23:59
for two different things.
24:00
It was like a
24:00
big crazy storm cloud.
24:03
Yes. And so when I think about overwhelm,
24:06
mine is it's more of the anxious route of the uncertainty and am I can I
24:10
get it all finished or there's so many balls in the air and so it is.
24:15
It's about that anxious piece.
24:16
So ~ yeah, so if you're listening and if you do use the word overwhelm,
24:21
really identify
24:22
how you're using it and what it means.
24:24
The other thing that I love, of course,
24:26
is that you talked about journaling because yes,
24:29
anytime, rain or shine, it is so important.
24:32
And for me in my practice of journaling,
24:35
if I do write down about a stressful anything,
24:37
I and I don't use always a never a whole lot.
24:41
And I always, if I've written down a stressful thing,
24:45
I really work really hard to
24:49
write out three positive things.
24:51
Positive or three gratitudes.
24:56
Because I do
24:57
Mm.
24:58
want to offset. I don't want to program my brain to only look for the negative.
25:02
I want to program my brain to focus on the gratitude and the more joyful events
25:08
in my life. The other thing
25:09
I
25:10
love that practice. That's such a great
25:12
Yeah.
25:13
ad.
25:14
What it's so it's helpful. And when we focus on gratitude every single day,
25:20
side note, as a brain health coach,
25:22
You lower your risk of Alzheimer's and dementia.
25:25
So brewing on the gratitude.
25:29
The other thing like to catch myself is I do some planning and preparing.
25:34
So yes to the journal. If I'm gonna start a new project,
25:37
focusing on a new event, whatever it may be,
25:41
I do sit down with list of questions,
25:43
one of which, okay, what is it that I want to work on?
25:45
Duh. And then what could get in the way and how will I know when
25:52
the whatever it is that I think will get in the way,
25:54
like how will I catch myself?
25:56
And I picture myself standing at the beach and the water's coming in
26:01
and it's going in and out over my feet.
26:03
But sometimes, I don't know what happens out there,
26:05
but sometimes a big thing, I can stand in the exact same place,
26:09
and all of a sudden the water's hitting my knees.
26:12
And I'm like, what in the world?
26:14
So I want to be able to catch whatever it is before it gets up to
26:18
my knees and certainly before it gets to my waist.
26:20
So
26:21
I do some
26:21
Mm.
26:21
pre-planning and then I check in every week.
26:24
How is this project going? Or how is this going?
26:27
Whatever it is. How is it going?
26:30
And where's that water? Am I drowning?
26:33
So
26:34
That's so good. That's so good.
26:36
Yeah. And and I I love that metaphor.
26:39
And what came up for me as you talked about it was being so thoughtful about
26:43
the water, that situation, the challenges,
26:47
the things that you're not feeling are moving fast enough or big enough in impact.
26:51
You're starting to feel that sensation of getting knocked around or
26:55
or drowning by it. Like checking in that it's yours.
27:00
That is fully yours. Cause I think it's a wonderful thing to want the world
27:05
to be better. I want the world to be so much better,
27:07
you know? And we all form these opinions about the world will be better if.
27:12
And the world is full of eight billion people.
27:15
It is not your sole responsibility to correct the wrongs of society,
27:21
right? And I know that that's like a really big thing to say.
27:25
And it feels important to share because I think that a
27:28
Sure.
27:29
lot of people really are starting to feel like they're getting carried away
27:32
by this current. And what's happening is you're you're simply noticing what
27:37
was probably already there. It's just
27:39
Hmm.
27:40
that now you're spending an hour or two hours with it in your phone five seconds
27:45
at a time and getting freaked out by these feeds and and all stuff that
27:49
is designed to, guess what, freak you out.
27:52
So I hope that you enjoy these podcasts because they're really meant
27:56
and designed to lift you up and remind you of who you are.
27:59
And yeah, I mean, if it's a big enough thing that you wanna do,
28:03
don't do it alone. You can't. You're not designed to.
28:05
Right. my gosh. Exactly.
28:07
You're not supposed to. Yeah.
28:10
Yes. So good. Okay, Amanda. So I'm so glad you joined us.
28:14
And if you could leave everybody with one parting thought,
28:18
what would it be today?
28:20
My thought for you today is that if you judge yourself
28:25
for not being there faster or sooner or better,
28:29
just take a deep breath and recenter yourself.
28:32
I promise you you're exactly where you're supposed to be on your journey.
28:35
And it's absolutely perfect. And you're gonna be,
28:39
you're gonna be just fine. Just like keep going and you know,
28:43
keep trusting yourself to grow and you're gonna get to incredible places.
28:47
You just gotta keep.
28:48
on going.
28:50
Yes. So good. Love it. Thank you,
28:53
Amanda, for joining us today. And everyone,
28:56
remember to live life fully and enjoy every moment.
28:59
We'll see you soon.