Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / I Have To Fight My Own Narcissistic Traits Everyday

Transcript

I Have To Fight My Own Narcissistic Traits Everyday · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  As a narcissist, every day I wake up and get and fight my own
• 0:04
  nature, fight my own mind. Every day I wake up, it's a
• 0:08
  different battle. That's what we're talking about
• 0:11
  today, y'all? Me fighting my own mind as a
• 0:13
  diagnose narcissist. If you're new here, Lee Hammock
• 0:15
  Except for a narcissist, but with another episode of The
• 0:18
  Narcissist Code. Boom.
• 0:36
  Welcome back folks, welcome back, welcome back.
• 0:38
  Yes yo narcissist and other toxic people wake up and fight
• 0:43
  their own nature. Well the self aware ones do
• 0:47
  right? The non self aware narcissist.
• 0:49
  I wouldn't say that this happens as much, but for a diagnosed
• 0:53
  self aware narcissist like myself, someone has been in
• 0:55
  psychotherapy every single day. Yeah, I have to fight me.
• 1:01
  I fight me every day. I I put a post on my Facebook
• 1:06
  years ago. It's been about 15 years, right?
• 1:09
  50, Facebook is old Val. Facebook.
• 1:10
  I've been on Facebook, yeah, the post said.
• 1:14
  Every day I wake up and fight my demons.
• 1:19
  Sometimes I win, sometimes they do, because every day is
• 1:24
  something different. Every day is a new battle.
• 1:26
  Every day something's got to go down.
• 1:28
  Something is going on. So every day I wake up and fight
• 1:32
  my own battles. I even though I've been working
• 1:35
  to myself, so many people ask me, are you recovered, Lee?
• 1:38
  Are you? No, I'm not recovered.
• 1:41
  I'm still in therapy. I still am putting in the work.
• 1:44
  That's the big difference between me and I guess most,
• 1:48
  most narcissists out there. I'm putting in the work.
• 1:51
  I'm trying to change my behaviors over time.
• 1:53
  It's not it's not a short period of time type of thing.
• 1:57
  This is absolutely you have to put the work in.
• 2:01
  You have to battle, you have to work, you have to do it.
• 2:04
  You have to show up. There are so many people that
• 2:10
  don't show up right. They think is a one time 1 size
• 2:13
  fits all thing. They think you go to therapy one
• 2:15
  time, you're good to go. No, you read the Bible one time,
• 2:18
  you're good to go. No, no.
• 2:20
  Is that Jim Rome sound? No, that's not it.
• 2:24
  Y'all me, I am 40 years old. So for 32 years outside before
• 2:31
  therapy, I was a narcissist, unaware, doing narcissist stuff.
• 2:36
  That's three decades of doing that type of stuff.
• 2:41
  It doesn't just go away because I go to therapy.
• 2:45
  It doesn't just go away because I start to work on myself.
• 2:48
  That's not how it goes, that's not it.
• 2:51
  That is not how it goes, that's not how it goes down.
• 2:54
  That's not the crux of it all. That's literally the end.
• 2:57
  The NLBO. No, it doesn't happen that way.
• 2:59
  I, my first thought is still going to be narcissistic.
• 3:04
  My first thought is still going to be self-serving.
• 3:07
  If I'm having a conversation with somebody or someone, my
• 3:10
  first, the first thought that goes through my mind is how does
• 3:13
  this serve me? How does this benefit me?
• 3:17
  Whatever this situation is, how is it of benefit to me in any
• 3:21
  way, shape or form? Because if there's no benefit to
• 3:23
  me, why am I doing this? You know?
• 3:25
  But because I've been in therapy, I can kind of short
• 3:29
  circuit that thought process right there.
• 3:31
  I can kind of circuit invented, I can kind of get around it
• 3:35
  because I've been doing so much work.
• 3:38
  Most other narcissists can't do that.
• 3:41
  They can't do that. They can't get out of their own
• 3:43
  way to break the patterns that have been instilled in us for so
• 3:48
  damn long. That's why like people ask me
• 3:52
  what can a narcissist change? And I'll ask.
• 3:54
  The first thing I'll ask is how old are they, right?
• 3:58
  And I asked that question for a couple of different reasons,
• 4:00
  because if you're too young, you're I feel like it's not if
• 4:03
  you're too young, you're too rambunctious, you're too like
• 4:05
  nobody can tell you what to do. It's very difficult to change
• 4:08
  that behavior, right? I'm not saying you can't.
• 4:10
  I'm just saying it can be very difficult if you don't
• 4:12
  understand the behavior, get into get into therapy.
• 4:14
  Or if you're too, or if you're upper like 6570, I don't think
• 4:20
  you might be too set in your ways.
• 4:22
  You see what I'm saying? It's not because it's
• 4:26
  impossible. It just could because you're
• 4:27
  setting your ways. You have to be willing to put
• 4:30
  the work in. Now, I had three decades of
• 4:33
  programming. Imagine 5678.
• 4:37
  That's difficult. You think you're 80 year old
• 4:40
  grandma or 80 year old Mama is going to go to go to go to
• 4:44
  therapy? No, they said in their ways
• 4:46
  they've made it 80 years. The hell they look like going to
• 4:49
  talk to a therapist for the ungrateful ass children.
• 4:53
  The ungrateful ass grand babies, huh?
• 4:56
  What they look like they don't look like nothing that benefits
• 4:59
  me. So you will get a lot of
• 5:00
  narcissistic people out here that do they will act like this,
• 5:03
  y'all, They will behave in this, this type of way that they could
• 5:07
  be said in a way. I don't think you have to want
• 5:10
  to change, let's say it like that.
• 5:12
  You absolutely have to want to put the work in.
• 5:15
  This is not something that just disappeared.
• 5:17
  This is not something that overnight can it just happened.
• 5:20
  You have to want to be willing to put the work in.
• 5:23
  You absolutely do. Narcissistic people, toxic
• 5:27
  people have to put the work in. That's what I've been doing for
• 5:31
  years, for years, and it still hasn't gone away.
• 5:35
  Well, you might be. It hasn't gone away.
• 5:37
  You've been in therapy for eight years.
• 5:39
  You need another therapist. No, I don't.
• 5:41
  I'm good. Like I said, just because I
• 5:44
  still have narcissistic thoughts does not mean I'm a destructive
• 5:47
  person, you know, That's not what that means.
• 5:51
  It's absolutely not what that means.
• 5:53
  So because because I have narcissistic thoughts, I, it
• 5:57
  doesn't mean that I'm a self, it doesn't mean I'm a destructive
• 6:00
  person. It means I'm putting the work
• 6:01
  in. It means I'm trying to do this.
• 6:02
  I'm trying to do that. I have a lot of things going on
• 6:04
  in my life. You know, I'm putting the time,
• 6:07
  effort and energy into my life, changing my life, making my life
• 6:10
  better. That's what I do.
• 6:11
  That's what I do here. You know, my first thought being
• 6:15
  narcissistic, I asked myself, how does this serve me?
• 6:18
  That's the first thought. But the second thought is how
• 6:21
  does this serve others? Third thought, how can I make it
• 6:27
  beneficial to everybody? Or if it even if it doesn't
• 6:30
  benefit me and into the greater good, cool, I'm good with that,
• 6:35
  you know, because in my mind, I have to make it make sense.
• 6:39
  Y'all let me put my narcissist hat on.
• 6:41
  I got AI got one. Y'all hold up?
• 6:43
  Let me put my narcissist hat on. Y'all see my this is my
• 6:50
  narcissist hat. He's got bails, he's got bales.
• 6:56
  If I don't put my, if I put my narcissist hat on and I go into
• 6:59
  my mind, my I even, I have to try to trick myself.
• 7:03
  Y'all I have to tell, convince myself that even if it doesn't
• 7:07
  benefit me and I'm willing to help somebody else, that's still
• 7:11
  a benefit to me because that means that I'm a good person.
• 7:14
  That means that I'm sacrificing. That means that I don't need to
• 7:17
  gain something from this in a certain to a certain extent,
• 7:21
  right? I'm still getting validation
• 7:23
  because I validate myself. Like, hey, Lee, you sacrificed
• 7:25
  this. You didn't have to do this, but
• 7:27
  you're not going to. You're not.
• 7:28
  You don't have to do this. You're not going to get any
• 7:30
  recognition for it, but good on you.
• 7:32
  Nobody will ever know you did that.
• 7:34
  Matter of fact, how you doing? I do stuff like that all the
• 7:37
  time, y'all? That's how I one way I do it
• 7:39
  because I don't need recognition for certain things.
• 7:41
  Like do I like getting recognized for helping people?
• 7:43
  Yeah, I absolutely love that. But sometimes there's people I
• 7:46
  know there's people out there I don't even know that I help.
• 7:48
  I saw one lady that was in my support group had posted
• 7:52
  something about her friend was in need.
• 7:53
  Her friend had lost her job or something like that, needed some
• 7:55
  baby formula. I just put the cash up.
• 7:58
  I sent the cash out here. There you go.
• 8:00
  She said thank you, lady. That was all.
• 8:01
  That's all it took. Nobody else knew about that.
• 8:03
  I was like cool right and this is months ago cool.
• 8:07
  I have to do things like that y'all to short circuit my
• 8:11
  wiring. I have to but I know people
• 8:13
  won't say well Lee, you just bragged about it You just did.
• 8:15
  I'm not bragging about it right? This video is not going to go
• 8:18
  viral. Who's going to see this right?
• 8:20
  You saying this because you you're, you're saying if you're
• 8:22
  seeing this, you're you're a good supporter.
• 8:24
  I appreciate you being here. If you're not subscribed, what
• 8:27
  are you doing here? 8 minutes into the video hit
• 8:29
  that subscribe. What are you doing?
• 8:34
  But seriously, man, I do have to battle myself.
• 8:37
  And some people ask me, some people ask me this question
• 8:39
  right here lately. If you have the choice of going
• 8:41
  back and just being narcissistic and being unaware again, would
• 8:45
  you? I like no, but it's not easy
• 8:48
  being aware. It's not easy trying to short
• 8:51
  circuit the way my mind, trying to reprogram my mind.
• 8:54
  That's not easy to give up that, to give up things that don't
• 8:58
  benefit me. That's not easy though.
• 9:00
  Easy was when I didn't have to make those decisions, even
• 9:03
  though it was to the detriment of other people.
• 9:05
  When I was unaware I didn't have to make those decisions, I was
• 9:08
  good. You see what I'm saying?
• 9:09
  I could just out of sight, out of mind, type of out of out of
• 9:12
  sight, out of mind type of vibes, which I was cool with,
• 9:16
  which I'm OK with because out of sight, out of mind, right?
• 9:19
  That's the way it goes. That's where I was riding.
• 9:21
  Out of sight, out of mind. There it goes.
• 9:23
  But now it's tougher, man. It's tougher to make decisions
• 9:27
  to. It's tougher to be selfless,
• 9:29
  right? For me, I know it might not be
• 9:31
  for you because you have, you have a high level of high levels
• 9:34
  of empathy. I'm learning, you know, I'm, I'm
• 9:37
  working on my son. Let me work on, let me work on
• 9:40
  me and they will come back to you, you know, but I've been
• 9:43
  doing so much work on myself, man.
• 9:44
  That's why I'm proud. I'm proud of the journey that
• 9:46
  I'm on, right? It's a tough journey.
• 9:48
  I'm it's exhausting. Sometimes it's tiring sometimes
• 9:51
  like my head hurts sometimes, like man, I it was just it would
• 9:53
  just be easier to just let loose and be you for real.
• 9:58
  But then I just like if I let loose and beat me, I would lose
• 10:00
  everything in my life. I would lose my wife and lose my
• 10:02
  kids, probably lose my platform, probably lose my everything will
• 10:06
  go haywire. Everything will go to hell and
• 10:08
  I'm not interested in things going to hell right now.
• 10:10
  You know, I want, I want to go to hell.
• 10:11
  I want my life to go to heaven, but seriously man, I really have
• 10:16
  to battle my own nature and then it's extremely tough.
• 10:18
  If someone diagnosed with a personality disorder doesn't
• 10:20
  have to be narcissism, it can be bipolar or borderline or
• 10:24
  histrionic or antisocial or sociopathy, whatever case may be
• 10:29
  right, The ID, you know, just anything else like the
• 10:33
  opposition of defiant, whatever you have going on, it's tough
• 10:37
  being aware of that. It's tough fighting through
• 10:39
  that. It's tough, especially with the
• 10:40
  knowledge you have right now and where you might be in the world.
• 10:43
  This is certainly tough. It's like I said, it was easier
• 10:46
  sometimes when I was unaware. My life was just kind of easier
• 10:50
  when I didn't know what I was going up against, when I didn't
• 10:53
  know what I was battling. That was easy, easy work, easy
• 10:57
  work, you know, but I'm so appreciative, man, of my life
• 11:01
  and of all y'all support too, man.
• 11:03
  That's why I was like, it's worth it.
• 11:04
  I've got to meet a lot of great people.
• 11:06
  I've got to interact with a lot of great people on this journey,
• 11:09
  which I'm super, super just, yeah, I'm so thankful of I I
• 11:12
  have to meet and greet so many people, especially when I have
• 11:14
  having my meet and greets, which I started again.
• 11:16
  I'm gonna start, I'm trying to get somewhere in February of
• 11:18
  March. I might do Houston or Dallas,
• 11:20
  TX, might do Atlanta, GA, might do somewhere in North Carolina
• 11:23
  where I'm at right now. You know, y'all don't know I'm
• 11:25
  based in Durham, Raleigh, Durham, NC.
• 11:27
  But yeah man. Anyways, I just want to get off
• 11:30
  this episode. I just feel like people just
• 11:32
  kept asking that question like Lee, do you still have
• 11:34
  narcissistic tendencies? Yeah, I'm still a narcissist.
• 11:36
  That's why people just say you recovered.
• 11:38
  I'm not. Some people put in my comment
• 11:40
  section like Lee, you need to stop saying I'm a narcissist.
• 11:42
  You need to stop saying self aware narcissist.
• 11:44
  You recover. You're not that anymore.
• 11:46
  No, I, I still am a narcissist. I can't look, I don't want to
• 11:50
  say that either because I don't want to give people false hope
• 11:53
  that that to go back into their toxic relationship hoping and
• 11:57
  thinking and praying that the relationship could get better or
• 12:00
  will get better for any other reason than that person put in
• 12:03
  any type of work. You know, that's what's
• 12:05
  important right now. I want that to be important.
• 12:07
  I want that to resonate. I want that to be able to move
• 12:09
  forward. You know what I mean?
• 12:12
  Anyway, y'all think I'll make to the end of this video.
• 12:13
  Y'all know I appreciate every single one of y'all.
• 12:15
  I'm eternally grateful for you Hit the subscribe button if you
• 12:18
  haven't mental illness.net for my one on ones.
• 12:21
  My one-on-one coaching. I've helped so many people.
• 12:23
  I'm still helping people nearly every single day.
• 12:25
  I actually just got off of one-on-one before I hopped on
• 12:27
  here. Mental illness.net for my one on
• 12:29
  ones. Look, Ioffer a new service.
• 12:31
  I do phone calls and I also do I do phone instead of just doing
• 12:35
  zoom calls. I also do phone calls and I also
• 12:37
  do this service where you can send in.
• 12:41
  I just replied directly to you with a private video about
• 12:45
  breaking down your story or answering the questions that you
• 12:48
  might won't answer from a diagnosed narcissist.
• 12:51
  Mental illness.net for everything.
• 12:52
  Yeah, please.