Latest / A Time to Sharpen / Home...but not Alone

Transcript

Home...but not Alone · A Time to Sharpen

0:13
Is there anything worse than a dull blade?
0:15
Well, yeah, lots of things, I guess.
0:18
Poverty, War. Spending 60 bucks on a Sunday
0:22
lunch only to get home. And here.
0:25
I'm hungry. Lisa.
0:28
I want some more. Seriously, though, Adult Blade
0:33
is bad. It's unusable.
0:36
In fact, it's downright dangerous.
0:38
Knives need sharpening. From Whetstone Boys Ranch in
0:42
Mountain View, MO comes a time to sharpen, a biweekly podcast
0:47
that examines how we can all be better versions of ourselves.
0:51
Better teachers, better counselors, better parents,
0:55
better people. At least once during a boy's
1:04
stay at Whetstone, he will return home for an entire week
1:07
to test out what he has learned about living with his family.
1:10
As you can imagine, the boys and parents look forward to this
1:13
time, which comes after months of separation.
1:16
On the other hand, it is a source of much anxiety for both
1:19
parties. Will things be any better than
1:21
they were before? The answer is always yes.
1:25
And no, many things have changed.
1:27
To be sure, distance usually makes the hard grow fonder, but
1:31
we should expect lots of Rd. bumps and potholes and wrong
1:34
turns on the road to recovery. Our boys, like all teenagers,
1:38
are prone to pushing boundaries, and their parents, like all
1:41
parents, are trying their best to stand firm, to bend without
1:44
breaking. Join us this week for a
1:46
discussion of how parenting, teaching, and counseling never
1:49
go like we planned and how often, like in the movie Home
1:53
Alone, things end up better that way.
2:04
Welcome back to A time to Sharpen.
2:06
This is Axel Limata. I'm here with Brandon Maxwell.
2:09
Good. Be back.
2:11
Brandon, you are a son of Fred, as I am.
2:13
We realized as we were doing our take, we're doing our check,
2:16
check, check, 1-2, three thing. Just riffing.
2:20
Just riffing and we thought maybe.
2:23
Sons of Fred would be a pretty cool podcast name, yeah, so that
2:27
may be a spinoff. The sons of Fred A.
2:29
Spinoff podcast. There's the Sons of Leon.
2:33
That's no. Kings Of Leon.
2:36
Kings Of Leon. Yeah, Mumford on sons.
2:39
Mumford and Sons, Yeah, there's Sons of oh, Sons of Guns son.
2:44
That's a, that's a show on, I don't know, Netflix or one of
2:49
those. One of those shows, Sons of
2:51
Guns. Like son of a gun.
2:53
Anyway, but yeah, Sons of Fred, be on the lookout.
2:56
We'll we'll figure out what, Yeah, what kind of content is
2:59
going to be up. We got to have Freddy on here, I
3:01
mean. We do.
3:02
We do. We were just talking to my dad
3:05
on the phone yesterday. We we did a little speaker phone
3:09
as we were driving in the car and I didn't make a trip to West
3:13
Plains. And we should have my dad on
3:15
the. I don't know what he's going to
3:16
say though. I mean.
3:17
That's part of it. Might not be usable.
3:20
Well, we can always edit it, but you don't want to edit Freddy
3:22
too much. It's.
3:23
Not the same. No unedited Freddy, it's not
3:25
the. Same.
3:26
It's not the same you. Need the.
3:27
You need the unfiltered. Yes, you need Freddy.
3:31
Full stop. Full send, full send.
3:35
Yeah, Freddy, Full send. Yeah.
3:37
Well, so I'm Axel, this is Brandon.
3:40
We've established that, yes. And today we're going to talk to
3:45
you about something that happens around here called home visit.
3:50
And home visit is the the other side of the coin of Adventure
3:56
week. We did a podcast a while back
3:58
about Adventure Week and what that part of the program looks
4:01
like. But if the boys aren't going on
4:03
Adventure week, they've already been on an adventure week.
4:06
They they get to or have to, depending upon how they're
4:10
looking at it. Go back home and spend a week
4:12
with their with their family and it can be.
4:18
Kind of rocky at times, The home visit, sometimes it's great, but
4:22
the boys always kind of look forward to it.
4:24
But they also get a little anxious and antsy as the days
4:27
approach home visit because they're all that like muscle
4:30
memory and all that baggage that they had about the last time
4:34
they spent. Less time they spent that kind
4:37
of time with their parents is kind of still hanging and
4:38
looming. Yeah, there's definitely a lot.
4:42
The just the dynamic on campus, you can always kind of tell.
4:46
It's about a week out. I would say sometimes a little
4:48
further out than that. There's just a little bit of
4:52
anxiousness and antsiness, as you alluded to, of guys just
4:57
kind of building that up. And there's just a lot that goes
5:01
into a family visit when you look at what was going on
5:06
beforehand and the whole reason that a boy gets sent here, and
5:10
just some of those things coming into play and the fact that
5:14
there's a lot of structure. Here at Whetstone, which we've
5:17
talked about and and obviously we that boys need and I think
5:21
there's they just they want to prove that hey I'm making some
5:26
changes sometimes there's some of those thoughts and feelings
5:30
and they don't want to they don't want to mess up.
5:33
It's just like I feel like there's not maybe the structure
5:36
at home that there is here so. They're a little bit anxious
5:40
about not, you know what I do with some of the downtime that I
5:43
know I'm going to have and so there's there's some of that
5:47
going. On they don't trust themselves.
5:49
There's some of that. There's also talking about
5:54
wanting things to go well and wanting them, them wanting to
5:57
prove to their parents that they've made progress.
5:58
There's also a piece of them. All of them have this in the
6:03
back of their mind. Like if I can show my parents
6:05
that, that I've. That I'm better, that that
6:08
things have progressed in the positive direction, that maybe
6:10
they won't send me back. Maybe at the end of these five
6:13
days or six days, they'll just keep me.
6:16
Yes. And that's understandable.
6:19
Yeah I mean that is something that is always always seems to
6:25
be in the cards is trying to get get pulled early or convince
6:30
your parents that that I've I've made the changes and and that's
6:34
a. That's hard for the parents,
6:36
too. We've heard numerous parents,
6:38
like graduations, say, you know, a lot of times that like the
6:43
second or third, I guess there's it would be the second home
6:47
visit. There's two home visits before
6:49
graduation. But parents have said numerous
6:53
times that we were so close, I wanted to pull you so, so bad
6:57
out of the program, but knew that that wouldn't.
7:00
Be right, you needed to finish strong, but so the pole is is
7:04
there on the parent side too. It's not just a financial thing,
7:10
but it's they want their son back, you know?
7:13
That's the hardest thing they've ever ever had to do as a as a
7:16
parent is send their son to a place that could be all the way
7:20
across the country. And we've had lots of boys from
7:23
California and the East Coast and.
7:26
Florida and Seattle, WA about as far away as you can get from
7:31
here. And yeah, they have to do that
7:34
again. Can be like retraumatizing.
7:38
So why do we do it, Brandon? Why there's all this potential?
7:44
So for things to go wrong, why do we do it?
7:47
A couple of reasons. One is.
7:51
Excuse me from a you know from a therapeutic standpoint and and
7:54
we do contracts with the parents and the boys and so it's a
7:58
testing grounds for the things that they're working on that the
8:03
parents are working on and the boys are working on to really
8:06
put some of those things into practice and to really and
8:10
knowing that things are not going to go perfect.
8:13
Knowing things are going to happen.
8:14
Knowing things in the contract are going to get broken.
8:17
But we we're. In a position here to handle
8:21
those things and to discuss those things here when they get
8:26
back from their home visit. So it's a good opportunity for
8:31
the family as a whole to really kind of start thinking about,
8:35
hey, in a few months or whatever the time frame would be before
8:40
they graduate. These are some real things
8:43
you're going to face. And so it's a good way to kind
8:45
of a precursor to start and you know.
8:48
Navigating some of those waters and then still have our
8:51
therapeutic team to kind of process through maybe some of
8:54
the failures that happen on the visit.
8:57
Yeah, ironically we're we're kind of, we're kind of hoping
9:00
that they're going to be some bumps in the road, that there's
9:03
going to be some friction and some tension.
9:04
If if the visit goes too well then there's a good chance that
9:10
the the boy is just not being honest with how he's feeling.
9:17
Maybe he's just trying to, you know, we talked about faking it
9:20
till you make it and it's good that a boy is at the point now
9:23
where he can actually control a lot of that stuff.
9:25
But he's he's not at the point now where he's actually dealt
9:28
with all of the the demons that we're trying to get them to face
9:33
when when they're here. And so we're hoping they're
9:35
going to be some triggers and some blowups and the parents are
9:38
going to be able to respond differently and establish some
9:41
some new patterns through working through those conflicts
9:45
when the boys are home. Yeah, I think it's very
9:47
intentional with our our therapists with how they
9:52
structure those contracts and it's it's like you said there's
9:55
there's some challenging things to do in there.
9:57
And just I mean for the boys themselves just some of the the
10:02
workout stuff for the running and the reading and and school
10:07
work, you know some of those things are are put in there to
10:09
like hey can you be disciplined with your time when you have all
10:13
this free time. And knowing that the majority of
10:17
those boys, they're not running every day and they're not doing
10:22
all the reading assignments and things that we set out and and
10:25
we know that that is going to be true but it's it's so so it's a
10:29
starting point. You're not really setting them
10:31
up to fail. You're just setting them up to
10:33
to be able to have those conversations for to really when
10:38
they go home. You know the whole goal
10:40
obviously is to to reunify families and the boys on a.
10:44
As good of a foundation as we can with new tools to be able to
10:49
to navigate just life that that comes at us pretty hard fast
10:54
when when they leave. And we and I think we've been
10:57
careful over the years and I feel like I've mentioned this
10:59
before that we don't, we don't call them breaks from the
11:03
program. We call them, we call them home
11:06
visits. You know, we call them adventure
11:08
week. We don't call them vacations
11:10
because we really want the guys and the probably more
11:13
realistically the parents to think about how them going home
11:17
for this period of time is a continuation of the program.
11:20
It's not a time to put all the rules on hold and and go and do
11:24
a bunch of stuff and buy them a bunch of stuff and go out to eat
11:28
and just fulfill all of their their fantasies about, you know,
11:32
how this thing is going to happen.
11:34
We want them to be able to respond to authority and to be
11:38
put in some situations where they have to submit and to do
11:41
some hard things maybe that they weren't willing to do before.
11:44
And so we we call them home visits instead of the boys.
11:48
They try and call them breaks. I always try and redirect them
11:51
and say no, no, no, it's a it's a home visit.
11:53
Yeah. So.
11:55
Yeah, that's a good point. It reminds me of what we talked
11:58
about a couple of podcasts ago with just our father, Son
12:02
Weekend. Like the myth of quality time.
12:05
I think from a parent's perspective that they they want
12:11
to set up, they try to put too much into the week and try to do
12:15
too much is kind of maybe maybe the go.
12:24
I wouldn't say it's the go to. I'm not sure what word I'm
12:26
looking for. There's just a tendency for
12:28
parents to really. Want to do that because they
12:31
want to, Really. The whole intention is is fine
12:34
and good and it's natural. Your kids good things, the best
12:38
that you possibly can. Right.
12:40
But it just kind of ends up being when it happens that way
12:45
and you set up something every day and it's just like super fun
12:48
stuff, you know, high intensity activities or just it just gets
12:54
to be too much and you're not really working on.
12:57
The things that you need to be working on and it's just too
13:00
much noise, yeah. Distraction was the word you.
13:03
Distraction. Distraction from the real, the
13:06
real goal of the visit to connect and and certainly we
13:10
connect by doing things. But there's a there's a sense to
13:15
where some activities are just not not helpful, not conducive
13:21
for for connection and communication.
13:24
Yeah, just knowing that level. Yeah.
13:26
Again, going the myth of quality time, it's the quality time is
13:30
the quantity. Like how much time are we really
13:32
spending not just doing all these fun activities, but but
13:36
can we do, can we have those conversations?
13:39
It's fine if we do activities as long as we can still have some,
13:42
some meaningful conversation, you know?
13:45
So, so that actually reminds me or brings brings me to.
13:51
The film that we wanted to talk a little bit about today, as an
13:53
illustration, we was trying to throw out some kind of pop
13:57
culture reference a song, a poem, a movie or something.
14:01
And Brandon has a good a good ear for that kind of thing and
14:05
good memory for delivering lines.
14:07
And I love film as well, and so it's fun to talk about it.
14:10
But the film we were thinking about that might fit the
14:12
situation as Home Alone number one, We thought it would just be
14:17
useful to to think about winter time.
14:20
Because it's so hot out, even if you can just in your mind
14:23
imagine yourself in a cool blaze but a. 100 low your body's like.
14:27
A couple couple degrees. So it's a little ironic to be
14:29
talking about a Christmas movie in the middle of a heat wave.
14:33
What was it, like, 105 with the heat index out there right now?
14:36
It's hot. Yeah.
14:37
And so that movie that the family has has decided to go on
14:43
this big vacation, right? This.
14:45
We're going to this. No.
14:48
You know, all expense paid, pull out, all the stops, spare no
14:52
expense. We're going to France, right?
14:54
We're going to Paris. And with all the cousins.
14:56
All the cousins. It's just this is the this is
14:58
the big shebang here and our this is going to be good for our
15:02
family, right? We're going to spend all this
15:04
time together and lo and behold, Kevin gets left behind.
15:09
And so it doesn't work out like they planned, but we actually
15:13
show this movie around Christmas time.
15:16
Every year pretty much because it allows us to talk about some
15:19
things with the family. I think the boys really find
15:21
themselves in a situation very similar to Kevin's, both before
15:25
his family is gone and after his family is gone.
15:28
So if you remember at the beginning, there's all this
15:31
chaos in the family and. 2 distractions.
15:35
Yeah, they're ordering pizza and they're planning to get ready
15:38
and. And there's some friction.
15:41
Kevin seems to be a bit of a scapegoat for everyone.
15:44
He gets picked on one point, one of his cousins calls him a is
15:48
his brother or one of his cousins calls him a son.
15:50
It. Was his cousin Kevin.
15:52
You're such a disease. And then he ends up.
15:57
Somehow causing the milk to get spilled and the uncle looks at
16:00
him and. Yeah, Buzz, I ate his cheese
16:02
pizza. Buzz, his brother.
16:05
And the the freeloading uncle looks at him.
16:08
He says everyone's staring out of him.
16:09
He's. Like.
16:11
What you did, you little jerk. Yeah, the line always sticks in
16:15
my mind. And then anyways, he gets.
16:18
Sent to his room and and he he ends up saying to his mom, you
16:22
know, I wish I did. I wish I didn't even have.
16:24
I wish I didn't have a family. I wish you would all just
16:26
disappear or something like that.
16:27
Yeah. What did she say to him?
16:29
It's like, well, Kevin, I really hope you don't mean that, right,
16:33
something to that effect. Yeah, and it's it's pretty clear
16:36
that he does mean it and he gets locked or he gets shut up in the
16:40
attic, the creepy attic and. And he falls asleep and then
16:44
wakes up and they're if they're gone And he thinks to get his
16:46
wish, thinks he gets his wish right.
16:48
And I think our all of our boys can relate to that, relate to
16:50
that, because they've been at a point where they feel the gaze
16:54
of everyone upon them as being the problem.
16:58
It's convenient to have a scapegoat, to have a black sheep
17:01
in the family who can just take everything.
17:03
And a lot of times in a in a very heroic way, the boys will
17:06
embrace that. And be like, fine, if someone
17:09
needs to be the guy to take the blame for all that's wrong in my
17:12
family, a lot of which is not my fault.
17:16
Even though they might not be able to articulate that, yeah,
17:19
they just, they take it. It's like, OK, I'll play that
17:22
role, which is it's sad, sad to see when that happens.
17:27
Yeah, on the I think a lot of times too we've heard dads or
17:33
moms and dads say that when you look at.
17:37
They may take that all upon themselves, but often when boys
17:41
come to Whetstone, the families think, oh, we can finally relax
17:47
and like have a little bit of separation so we can catch our
17:50
breath. And certainly sometimes that
17:52
happens. But what they realize is like,
17:55
oh, it's not it wasn't all him, like, maybe there's some family
18:00
dynamics because now, now that he's gone, we have issues with
18:04
these siblings over here just the same.
18:07
So it's really being able. When you look at home alone, I
18:10
mean, there's just chaos everywhere and people going
18:13
1,000,000 miles a minute and like Kevin.
18:18
Kevin is a disrespectful kid in different ways, but I mean, my
18:21
goodness, you look at that like that's not Kevin's fault or all
18:24
of that. Look what he's left.
18:26
Defend. Himself.
18:26
So these people that are attacking.
18:28
It yeah. And so that's what our parents I
18:30
think the situation and one of the benefits of what stone with
18:34
that separation is on from both sides it's it's perspective like
18:38
we talked about in previous podcasts with the boys get
18:42
perspective. Because now they're away from
18:45
their their family and a lot of times, you know, with their the
18:49
homesickness starts setting in and they they realize what they
18:52
got. When they don't, you know, they
18:54
don't have their family around and they realize how important
18:56
family really is to them. Some take some boys longer than
19:00
others, you know, to come to that realization.
19:02
But on the parents side it's whoa, maybe we do need to be a
19:06
little more introspective and and see what's going on with the
19:09
family dynamics and look inside. Our own selves and be vulnerable
19:14
and be like OK what what are we doing wrong?
19:16
Because we're having some of the same issues and you know our son
19:19
is is at Whetstone so it's not him.
19:22
Right. Necessarily all the.
19:24
Time, yeah. And it's it's interesting to
19:26
think about how the film is structured and how Whetstone is
19:28
structured, because in in a Whetstone the boys sound of the
19:31
way and the family stays. In the movie The the family is
19:35
quote UN quote sent away, not intentionally as it is with the
19:39
boy, but in the boys left there. Yeah, but but in it, they're
19:43
similar in the the conclusions that that they come to.
19:46
And yeah, realizing that I'm I'm not as much of the part of the
19:51
problem as as I thought, like in the film Home Alone, he becomes
19:57
very independent. It's like this coming of age
19:59
story where he realizes that he can, he can do some stuff and
20:04
he's been kind of told his, you know, his whole life.
20:06
It seems that he's just kind of a screw up, you know, and that
20:10
he can't do anything. And everything that he does is
20:14
just falls apart over the course of that film.
20:17
He realizes when he's apart from his family in a similar way that
20:21
when our boys are apart from their family, they develop some
20:24
independence and some ownership and some responsibility, and
20:28
they begin to see themselves in a different way, stand a little
20:31
taller, run a little faster, you know, work a little harder.
20:37
Yeah, there's definitely you're you're forced into new things, a
20:43
new environment and so it's you're forced to to learn those
20:47
things. And again in the movie it's like
20:49
when his brothers get back and they they see all these things
20:53
that he did on his own is like Kevin did that you went to the
20:57
grocery store and actually bought things with with money
21:01
and you did all these things that they you know they.
21:05
He never had a chance to do because it was like either done
21:08
for him or he wasn't put in the position or people, you know,
21:12
were so negative toward him. But that is something that I
21:16
think we, we see a lot, like most of our boys are.
21:19
They're pretty sharp. You know, they have pretty sharp
21:22
minds and unfortunately they've used that to manipulate things.
21:25
But in this environment, that's that's part of what we do out
21:29
here as well as to expose them to new things, new experiences,
21:32
new learning. And that's a big part of of
21:36
their growth here and it gains you know them confidence And so
21:41
confidence is key when you're looking at you know coming from
21:44
an environment where you maybe feel a lot of weight and
21:47
pressure and and failure. Then trying to turn the tide a
21:50
little bit and be able to to gain some identity and
21:53
confidence through some different different activities
21:56
and different things. And and birth order plays a big
21:59
deal in some of these things too, like we see these boys.
22:06
Independent from their families, you know, a lot of times you
22:09
know it's important to know about their background and to
22:12
know what issues they're struggling with and ever.
22:13
But you try to, you try to remember that stuff when it's
22:17
important and try to forget it when it when it gets in the way.
22:21
Because you want to to judge this boy.
22:24
I'm gonna say judge. I mean it in a positive sense.
22:26
You want to to assess this young man on his own merits and not
22:31
based upon what he's done previously.
22:33
Or based upon whatever assumptions you might make that
22:39
relate to what you've read. Whereas the family doesn't have
22:41
that that luxury, that all that baggage is, is just there all
22:46
the time, all the all the ways that he has contributed to the
22:50
chaos in the household. And we get a chance to see him
22:54
in a totally different environment.
22:57
And what I was saying about birth order like he's the baby
22:59
of the family and so he gets. Right.
23:01
He has a younger cousin, but I think in in his actually family,
23:04
he's the youngest one. Oh, you're talking about Kevin,
23:06
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
23:07
And so he's he's kind of treated that way.
23:09
He's not. It's just assumed that he can't
23:12
do things that himself by himself.
23:14
And everyone kind of is older and they're they're doing things
23:17
naturally, which they should, but they're not bringing him
23:19
alongside them and equipping him and helping him to grow up and
23:23
to mature. Yeah, like like you should and.
23:28
We see. And that birth order is really
23:30
important. We could do a whole episode.
23:32
On birth, well, we see that aren't this and in our family we
23:34
get on our older kids a little bit because Truman specifically,
23:41
he gets frustrated because I mean he's got you know four
23:46
other siblings above him telling him what to do and where to go
23:49
and you know and just bossing them around.
23:52
And so it just gets frustrating for him and some sometimes he
23:57
just. Gets a little more whiny or or
24:00
things like that but just frustrated and it's I'm sure a
24:03
big part of that is just like hey we don't we need two parents
24:07
we don't need 6 right And just trying to encourage our our own.
24:12
Kids like the Patriots are kind of famous for having that slogan
24:17
in their locker room. Like, do your job.
24:19
Yeah. Right.
24:20
It's like maybe we should have in our house.
24:22
The slogans just don't do my job.
24:26
Let let me do my job. Yeah.
24:29
But yeah, so seeing and. And he develops that
24:35
independence because he has to. Right.
24:38
And he faces his fears, right, That that furnace in the
24:42
basement. Right.
24:44
And this was what our boys do. They face their fears.
24:48
You know, he finds an older mentor who he thought, you know,
24:52
he assumed was a scary old guy who'd murdered.
24:56
To someone and and stored their bodied and stored their body in
24:59
ice or something. Or because of his older brother
25:01
Buzz, who was just being a, you know, a jerk to was just trying
25:05
to scare him and telling him all these guys so.
25:08
But I mean, I like to think at Whetstone, you're going to,
25:10
you're going to find a mentor, you're going to find someone
25:12
else that can speak some truth into your life.
25:15
And and that person is oftentimes you don't, you don't
25:20
know where that person is going to come from As a parent, you,
25:23
you pray and you hope that someone is going to speak.
25:26
Truth into your son's life or your daughter's life, but it's
25:30
it comes from unexpected places a lot of times.
25:33
Yeah. Well, that's that's a part of
25:37
our program actually that we are trying to to work on as far as
25:42
like Aftercare and because that part is so important as far as
25:46
having. Having that aftercare set up or
25:49
that mentor like you mentioned somebody besides mom and dad and
25:54
specifically for boys. Having a male figure that is
25:57
going to check in and just and love you and still challenge you
26:01
and then sharpen you that's a that's a key element to the
26:07
success I think when the boys leave here and so so that's
26:12
something that we I mean our. Our team works on trying to
26:15
figure that out as part of like the the exit strategy from
26:19
Whetstone and and starting to look at like hey is there a
26:22
youth minister that you guys, is there a church you guys are
26:24
plugged into or who are some family friends that may be may
26:29
be able to fit this mold to plug into your son for a certain
26:33
amount of time. So.
26:34
So we do those things but we want to formally have an
26:38
aftercare program and those are some things that we're working
26:41
towards. And honestly, like that would be
26:44
a good activity now that I'm thinking about it, and this may
26:48
already be a part of what they do on some level, but spending
26:52
taking some of that time that your son is at home, and I'm
26:56
speaking here to parents who are maybe currently in the program
26:58
or people, parents who are thinking about sending their son
27:01
here. Like what?
27:03
What are some other pieces of advice that we could give to
27:06
parents who are kind of going through this, who are?
27:08
Like this week is coming up and I'm like, well, how am I going
27:11
to do this? What's the best way to approach
27:12
it other than that? My, my, the one I was throwing
27:15
out there was, hey, you don't need to keep all this time to
27:18
yourself, right? Don't put that pressure on
27:20
yourself that I have to spend all the time with my son because
27:23
he's been away for so long and and he needs that and I need
27:26
that. That's just way too much
27:28
pressure, right? Like building some time where he
27:31
can spend. Spend it with another adult, you
27:34
know, try to form those those mentoring relationships that
27:37
that he can come to when he when he does come home.
27:40
Yeah, yeah, that's that's key. Trying to just make it as close
27:45
to what it would be like in a normal home situation and just
27:51
not don't overthink it. I think we have a tendency to to
27:54
overplay it, overthink it over, over analyze it and.
27:59
And then just try to do too much in those weeks, but just enjoy
28:03
the time. Try to keep it just a relaxed as
28:07
much as you can, a relaxed environment.
28:12
I like what you said about or thinking about that scene of the
28:17
old the neighbor. It always takes out the trash
28:20
and you know always is giving him the side eye and he's
28:23
scared, but just kind of the. Later on in the movie, you know,
28:29
Kevin being able to actually have a real conversation with
28:33
him about it. And it's amazing when we can get
28:36
past our own fears and kind of our own walls that we've put up
28:41
or somebody else's helped put up.
28:43
When we can really start having some genuine conversations and
28:47
getting to know people on a heart level.
28:49
Like the perspective is totally different.
28:51
Like there's things that we probably all have those.
28:54
Stories of friends and in relationships in our own lives
28:58
that we had these perceptions. But when we finally got to know
29:01
somebody, it's totally different than what somebody else maybe
29:04
painted them to be or what we thought of them based on outward
29:08
appearance or whatever. And so that's, that's a good
29:12
word for for parents and boys alike is just mainly for parents
29:16
because you're going to be the ones kind of engaging those
29:19
discussions of just, you know. Don't force those heart level
29:24
questions, but those questions only come by continuing to just
29:28
get to know you getting to know your son.
29:31
And don't be afraid to be vulnerable in that scene in the
29:34
in the in church when when you sit next to each other and
29:37
they're talking, it's it's I think it's my favorite scene in
29:39
the whole the whole film. But that that older gentleman is
29:44
vulnerable with him at the end of that conversation they get
29:47
into some of the problems that he had with his own son and how
29:51
he hasn't spoke with them. For a long time and and he
29:54
becomes a real person. So I think we can kind of we can
29:58
apply that to the home visit too.
29:59
Like don't feel like as a parent you have to have all the answers
30:03
or you have to be in charge or you have to be perfect.
30:06
Like that vulnerability in that human side of you is maybe a
30:10
side that your son hasn't seen because of all the friction and
30:14
because of the battles and and the tug of war.
30:17
But maybe now is because. For a relationship to really
30:21
grow and deepen, you have to get into that vulnerable stage,
30:25
yeah. And and don't assume that he's
30:28
not going to want to know that stuff about you as well, right?
30:32
Yeah. And don't assume that he doesn't
30:34
have any advice or answers that could be valuable to you.
30:38
You know, I think you look at that Kevin had some some
30:42
suggestions for him and just like why don't you just call him
30:46
That's true and it's just simple, but.
30:49
It's hard to carry out. And so there's, you know, listen
30:51
to your son, listen to what he's saying.
30:53
And you could even find a little bit of wisdom from our sons.
30:58
Yeah. Is there anything else, Brandon,
31:00
you want to say about home visit?
31:02
We're ready to 29 minutes right now.
31:05
So that's. I don't think so.
31:07
I mean, I think that's a pretty good picture of, well, one thing
31:11
I did. No, no, I think about it.
31:13
What do we thinking about the home visits?
31:16
OK, let's say our boys do fail on some of the contracts and you
31:22
know we they get home or we get, they get back here.
31:25
We realize, hey there was a lot of things that that didn't go
31:28
right. How do we address that here at
31:31
what stone between the family and the boys.
31:34
Maybe you can speak. To well, I would just, I would
31:35
say that we have your back when it comes to that kind of thing.
31:41
Things aren't going to go. Perfect.
31:43
They're going to be problems are going to be issues.
31:45
Some of those things you're going to try to kind of handle
31:50
in house and and maybe have some discipline, have some
31:53
boundaries. But they're going to be some
31:55
things that you may just have to communicate with us and let us
32:01
know this happened and let us handle it because we we want it
32:04
and we want it to be a good experience.
32:06
We talked earlier about how we want some friction, but overall
32:09
we want it to be positive. Yeah.
32:11
And if there's if there's something that you're doing that
32:13
you feel like is making, this is making it worse and you're
32:17
spinning your wheels or the relationship is is is
32:20
deteriorating, it's OK to to let us know.
32:23
Don't like what we don't want is for parents for something to
32:27
happen and then parents be embarrassed to tell us about it
32:30
or to to kind of ignore it and pretend like it wasn't a big
32:34
deal. We want to know.
32:36
And we're not going to think less of you because of because
32:38
that happened. We know we're with these boys
32:40
every day. So we know the kinds of things
32:43
that can happen. And we've seen them on some at
32:46
some of their worst, most of them not all the time, but we
32:51
there, they have their moments. Let's just say that.
32:53
So don't be afraid to tell us and we got your back and we
32:57
will. We will do what we need to do to
33:00
make sure that he understands why that boundary did not need
33:05
to be crossed. And what there'll be some
33:08
natural, usually some natural consequences, yeah.
33:11
And then also some consequences that we that we design to help,
33:15
you know, impress the point, Yeah.
33:18
Yeah, very good. Don't forget to catch them doing
33:21
something right. That's right.
33:23
So gotta do that, put a ball on the turd.
33:27
Sometimes we say right, even if it's not really that great, but
33:29
it's better. Yeah, right.
33:31
Change is good. Different is different is good.
33:34
Yeah, most, most improved Boy, that's what we have a every week
33:38
we we give a an award out for the most improved boy.
33:42
They get some extra benefits and time talking at home and various
33:46
things like that. But it's like it's it's
33:48
improvement. It's not perfection or you know
33:51
what we want all the time, but it's like hey, you did a lot
33:53
better than last week. And so, and when I say turd, I
33:57
didn't mean the boy is the turd. I meant like the action that.
34:00
He did is the turd. Right is different, you know.
34:03
Yeah, well, sometimes that's a good word for.
34:06
It's just it's apropos. So, all right, now this.
34:11
Has been good, Brandon. We are, we are likewise getting
34:15
a little bit of a break. It's 4th of July for staff.
34:18
So we get to take some vacations and sharpen the saw and America,
34:22
America of course. Brandon and and me a little bit,
34:26
but more so Brandon has some obligations with the 30 by 30
34:29
and and keeping in contact with the contractors which is all
34:32
going great by the way. Check out social media, you can
34:35
see some how it's progressing but keep us in your prayers as
34:38
we kind of monitor that process and and keep working towards 30
34:42
boys by the year 2030. OK.
34:44
Yeah. One last thing that we talked
34:47
about to, we want to try to increase our.
34:51
Reviews and comments and likes and shares and all that stuff on
34:56
our social media, but also this podcast in particular.
34:59
So what were we going to do for somebody who writes a review?
35:02
Brought this up we we just released the book Even the Wind,
35:07
which we've talked about someone this podcast.
35:09
It's a book about the ranch and about a tornado that hit us and
35:12
the stories of the boys and their families.
35:14
But we have an audio version of the book read by Becca Eastling.
35:18
Very talented voice artist. And we're excited about that.
35:21
You can purchase it on Audible or on Apple Books.
35:25
If you don't have an Audible account, you can sign up for
35:28
one. And if you keep it for 61 days,
35:32
Whetstone gets what's called a bounty, a $75 a bounty from
35:38
Amazon, they'll actually deposit $75.00 in our account.
35:40
You have to keep it for 61 days, but if you're going to listen to
35:43
the book and you don't already have an Audible account, you
35:45
have to use the link. That's on our website.
35:47
Well, can we put that link in the show notes for the podcast?
35:51
Yeah, why don't we do that? OK.
35:53
You mean on Facebook or? No on on Spotify you can.
35:56
OK, we haven't done that you. Explored that.
35:59
I'll explore the space, but everybody always says that we'll
36:03
link it up in our show notes. Yeah, like, what is that?
36:05
So we'll do that. We'll figure it out and let you
36:09
know. But you were asking like how?
36:11
What we thought is we have certain number promo codes that
36:15
we can just send people. To listen to the book for free,
36:18
so if you leave a review of the podcast.
36:21
A Five Star review. A five star.
36:24
Then we'll send you a free promo code for the audio book.
36:27
So if it's anonymous or something, just let us know.
36:30
If we can't determine who it is that left it, let us know if you
36:33
have a weird username or something, right?
36:35
And then we'll send that to you and you can listen to it takes
36:37
about four, 4 1/2 hours to listen to, so if you're on
36:41
making a long trip for 4th of July, it's perfect opportunity
36:43
to to hear the book. Yeah, time well spent, yeah.
36:48
And as we head out thanks of of of course to Tom Thomas Brown
36:53
for helping us out with this podcast.
36:55
Thanks for appreciate him taking out time from his schedule of
37:00
investigating how many aliens are actually among us.
37:03
So you know he's spends some time really investigating those
37:06
things we are observing which I'm glad you know we.
37:13
A man you need. Someone to be watching out for
37:15
us? A man of many movies.
37:16
And he a man of many movies. Man of many discs and a man of
37:23
many pizzas. He's.
37:26
And I'm excited for Tom, too, because he gets to spend a whole
37:29
week. Oh yeah, in this house with just
37:31
silence. Celebrate, Celebrate.
37:35
Dance to the music. The sound.
37:38
The sound of silence. No boys, right, Thomas?
37:41
Lives. Here and takes care of the takes
37:43
care of the place for us. So thanks Thomas for helping us
37:46
out with this and we hope you have a great 4th of July week.
37:50
Yes. Just don't let your cats run
37:52
rampant around. The whole house.
37:54
That's all we ask. Yeah, all right.
37:58
Happy 4th of July everyone. We'll catch you next time on A
38:01
time to sharpen all. Right.
38:02
Take care. Whitestone Boys Ranch is a
38:11
therapeutic boarding school located in the scenic Ozarks of
38:15
southern Missouri. It was founded in 2011 to serve
38:19
families from around the country who are struggling with
38:21
challenging behaviors from their 12 to 16 year old sons.
38:25
Our mission is to sharpen the character of young men.
38:29
Please visit whetstoneboysranch.com if you
38:31
want to learn more about our program or about how to contact
38:35
us for help. Thanks for listening and we hope
38:37
to catch you next time on A Time to Sharpen.