Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1019 - Parenting Myths Part 2

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#1019 - Parenting Myths Part 2 · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for.
0:07
Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 1: Now, we really do want to take pleasure in one
0:13
Speaker 1: another's company. We want to connect in deeper, meaningful ways,
0:16
Speaker 1: and while the nature of that relationship shifts as our
0:18
Speaker 1: children develop. I think that it's okay to be friends
0:20
Speaker 1: with your kids.
0:21
Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
0:24
Speaker 2: and dad.
0:25
Speaker 1: Hello, it's doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy Families
0:28
Speaker 1: dot com dot au Kylie, are you ready for another
0:32
Speaker 1: explosive parenting myth Happy Families Podcast episode I was born
0:37
Speaker 1: Ready today too? Myths to provoke you to think through,
0:43
Speaker 1: to hopefully explode the first one, Can you be friends
0:47
Speaker 1: with your kids? Missus Happy Families, let's just dive straight
0:50
Speaker 1: into it. Don't worry about pleasantries. So, by the way,
0:53
Speaker 1: you've got something on your lip?
0:54
Speaker 2: Just here, you're a punk. Nobody can see that. Why
0:57
Speaker 2: are you saying you've got something in your teeth? Just
0:58
Speaker 2: in case everybody else wanted to know that?
1:01
Speaker 1: That's so funny? Can you be friends with your kids?
1:04
Speaker 2: With your husbands?
1:05
Speaker 1: Should you be friends with your kids?
1:07
Speaker 2: I think that it depends on their age, right, Okay.
1:11
Speaker 2: I think that when your children are young, they need
1:13
Speaker 2: the safety and security that comes from having a big
1:16
Speaker 2: person take control of the situation.
1:18
Speaker 1: Someone authoritative, someone that they can rely on, and the
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Speaker 1: relationship is definitely going to be I mean, it's relatively unequal.
1:23
Speaker 1: The older they get, the more it equals out right.
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Speaker 2: That's right. But once our children become adults and they're
1:28
Speaker 2: making their own decisions, then in some ways we actually
1:33
Speaker 2: want to treat them as an equal right. We want
1:36
Speaker 2: to give them the space and the autonomy that they
1:40
Speaker 2: need to make the decisions, but recognize that just like
1:42
Speaker 2: a friend, you're there to bounce ideas off, to come
1:45
Speaker 2: and seek advice if they want, but not something that
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Speaker 2: you're going to shove down their throat like you would
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Speaker 2: have as a two year old.
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Speaker 1: So we've got three adult kids. Do you feel like
1:54
Speaker 1: you're friends with them?
1:55
Speaker 2: Yeah? I do, and I love spending time with them.
1:58
Speaker 2: And what I love most is the daily phone calls
2:03
Speaker 2: to fill me in on how many vertebrae a horse
2:07
Speaker 2: has because she's just come out of her class at
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Speaker 2: UNI and Maatham in physiology, and it's so excited to
2:13
Speaker 2: tell me all of the things that she's learned. I
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Speaker 2: absolutely love that in the same breath that drives me
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Speaker 2: crazy because she wants to tell me every single detail
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Speaker 2: about every little thing that's going on in her world.
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Speaker 1: You're saying boundaries need to be enforced even in that friendship,
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Speaker 1: in that relationship, but.
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Speaker 2: I just I love that she feels like I'm a
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Speaker 2: person that she can come to and share her world with.
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Speaker 1: It's curious to me that we do want to be
2:38
Speaker 1: friends with our kids. We want to be friendly towards
2:40
Speaker 1: them and loving and compassionate all those things when they're little,
2:43
Speaker 1: and we want that relationship to turn into a genuine,
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Speaker 1: reciprocal friendship as our kids enter adulthood. We've got a
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Speaker 1: fifteen year old. Would you say that you're friends with her?
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Speaker 2: No, I'm still her parent. Okay, I'm very friendly with her,
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Speaker 2: and we love spending time together and we will have
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Speaker 2: convers but she at this point in her life looks
3:02
Speaker 2: up to me as an authoritative figure.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I would prefer an autonomy supportive figure. If you
3:08
Speaker 1: don't want yes, what about this one? Then we want
3:11
Speaker 1: our kids to be friends with us as they get older,
3:14
Speaker 1: and some parents want them to be friends very young.
3:16
Speaker 1: I would agree By the way I'd say that the
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Speaker 1: stance that you've taken. If we can be autonomy supportive,
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Speaker 1: which means we have a friendly, supportive relationship with our
3:22
Speaker 1: children as they're growing and loving and all those good things,
3:25
Speaker 1: and then as they get older and emerge into adulthood,
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Speaker 1: that's when the relationship really can shift into a friendly relationship,
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Speaker 1: a friend oriented relationship. Do you want to are you
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Speaker 1: friends with your parents? Like? When I think about this
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Speaker 1: and people often say, oh, We've got to be friends
3:40
Speaker 1: with our kids, and I pause and think, are you
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Speaker 1: friends with your parents?
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Speaker 2: Like?
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Speaker 1: Do you want to be friends with your parents? Is
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Speaker 1: that a good thing? To be friends with your parents?
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Speaker 2: So what I call my parents my friends? Probably not.
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Speaker 2: I love and adore them, and I will go to
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Speaker 2: them from time to time for support and advice and counsel,
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Speaker 2: but I probably see them more at this point in
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Speaker 2: my life as a mentor figure. I guess, as somebody
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Speaker 2: that I would go to from time to time. We've
4:08
Speaker 2: lived very different lives and we see the world very differently.
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Speaker 2: There are some choices that I've made, or we've made
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Speaker 2: in our lives that a counter to the way they
4:18
Speaker 2: see the world and view the world. And so yeah,
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Speaker 2: I think that because of those life choices, it's kind
4:24
Speaker 2: of taken us in different directions a little bit.
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Speaker 1: So friendships work best on shared values and shared life experience.
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Speaker 1: And as you become an adult and make your own
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Speaker 1: decisions and forward your own way, sometimes your choices may
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Speaker 1: be inconsistent with those that your parents have made or
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Speaker 1: would have made. If they've got expectations, that can really
4:40
Speaker 1: drive a wedge, that can create challenges to overcome, and
4:43
Speaker 1: it can shift the relationship. I also think it's worth
4:46
Speaker 1: highlighting sometimes you might have parents, or sometimes you might
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Speaker 1: be a parent who is carrying a lot of baggage
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Speaker 1: dealing with unresolved trauma, depression, anxiety, all those kinds of
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Speaker 1: other mental health challenges, and that's going to impede the
5:00
Speaker 1: quality of your relationship that you have, either with your
5:02
Speaker 1: parents or with your kids, if we're looking at these
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Speaker 1: intergenerational relationships. But I like the use of the word
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Speaker 1: mentor because I was thinking, I mean, I love my parents.
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Speaker 1: I reckon I'm on pretty friendly terms with my parents.
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Speaker 1: I don't know if i'd say, oh, my dad's a
5:15
Speaker 1: great mate. I mean, I love spending time with them,
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Speaker 1: but we're such different people. I'm probably actually closer friends
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Speaker 1: with my mum i'm with my dad, although I feel
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Speaker 1: like my bond with my dad is deep and strong
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Speaker 1: and beautiful, and I'm certainly not downplaying or disparaging that
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Speaker 1: when I say it. But I'm thinking intergenerationally. I've got friends,
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Speaker 1: and I guess you might call them mentors, people who
5:36
Speaker 1: are a generation older than you and I, and I
5:38
Speaker 1: know you do too, where I feel like we're great friends.
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Speaker 1: So you can be friends with people who are twenty thirty,
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Speaker 1: forty years older, like properly friends.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think age comes into the equation. I
5:50
Speaker 2: think that it really is about how each person views
5:54
Speaker 2: the relationship. I have friendships, and I recognize and no,
5:58
Speaker 2: based on conversations I've had with those friends, what we
6:01
Speaker 2: get out of our relationship is very different personally.
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Speaker 1: So I like friends who are into day to day contact,
6:07
Speaker 1: or not day to day but regular contact. They'll send
6:09
Speaker 1: a text and say, Hey, just checking in.
6:11
Speaker 2: Wanted to say hi, missed you the other day when
6:14
Speaker 2: we were down at the beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah, We're.
6:16
Speaker 1: Doing this thing next weekend. Would you like to come
6:18
Speaker 1: and join us? As going to be five or six
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Speaker 1: of us and we're all going to go and hang out.
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Speaker 2: So for me, those relationships are ones that are kind
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Speaker 2: of integrated into my day to day life. You know,
6:26
Speaker 2: the kinds of relationships that they're just they're easy, it's natural,
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Speaker 2: and you just you're aware of what each other is
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Speaker 2: up to where you're at in life.
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Speaker 1: So I'm going to say this, A friendship is a
6:38
Speaker 1: relationship where you take pleasure in one another's company. And
6:42
Speaker 1: the myth that we're not supposed to be friends with
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Speaker 1: our children needs to be busted because I think we
6:47
Speaker 1: really do want to take pleasure in one another's company.
6:50
Speaker 1: We want to connect in deeper, meaningful ways, and while
6:53
Speaker 1: the nature of that relationship shifts as our children develop.
6:56
Speaker 1: I think that it's okay to be friends with your kids.
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Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that you you don't step in with
7:01
Speaker 1: that authoritative or autonomy, supportive role or presence when necessary.
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Speaker 1: But yeah, you can be friends with your kids. Is
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Speaker 1: that resolved away on the same page? Is it convinced
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Speaker 1: to me?
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Speaker 2: I think you are going there just.
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Speaker 1: Because I'm not friends with our kids. I love our kids.
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Speaker 2: Look, I think the one thing I will say about
7:21
Speaker 2: choosing to be friends with your children especially in those
7:24
Speaker 2: younger formative years teenage years. And I've watched it with
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Speaker 2: lots of parents over the years. It's just how important
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Speaker 2: it is as the adult to not actually dump on
7:35
Speaker 2: our kids.
7:35
Speaker 1: Yes, so don't use your kids. And so there are
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Speaker 1: two fatal mistakes that I think parents make when they're
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Speaker 1: trying to be friends with their kids. Number One, they
7:41
Speaker 1: become permissive and let the kids do whatever they want.
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Speaker 1: They supply them alcohol or other drugs, and you know,
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Speaker 1: they let them party. Or number two, they use their
7:48
Speaker 1: kids as a friend slash therapist, and they share things
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Speaker 1: that are just their adult things and they're sharing them
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Speaker 1: with kids. And that's again why there's always going to
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Speaker 1: be a slight difference in the parent child relationship. Even
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Speaker 1: let's say you're sixty and your kids are thirty five
8:03
Speaker 1: or forty, whatever it is, you're still not going to
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Speaker 1: use them as a therapist. If there's some stuff going
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Speaker 1: on where you just don't involve your kids because it's
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Speaker 1: family and relationships are complicated. But you can still be friends,
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Speaker 1: you can still take pleasure in another's company, you can
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Speaker 1: still have day to day interaction and love finding out
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Speaker 1: about their lives. And that is what a healthy friendship
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Speaker 1: is all about, at least in a family context. After
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Speaker 1: break our second myth for this week of parenting myths
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Speaker 1: exploded on the Happy Families podcast. Can you tell whether
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Speaker 1: someone's a good parent by how weather kids turn out?
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Speaker 1: Between fifteen and twenty percent of teens have anxiety. Anxiety
8:46
Speaker 1: is one of the leading causes of mental illness in
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Speaker 1: our children, and as parents, we want to know where
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Speaker 1: is it coming from? Can we stop it? And how
8:54
Speaker 1: do we help our children just feel better? Start by
8:58
Speaker 1: learning how to recognize anxiety in your child, how to respond,
9:02
Speaker 1: and how to give them hope and the anxiety in
9:05
Speaker 1: your child. Webinar can help. It's available at Happy families
9:08
Speaker 1: dot com dot au.
9:10
Speaker 2: It's the Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the time
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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now And I'm interested
9:15
Speaker 2: where you're going to go with this, doctor Coulson. Can
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Speaker 2: you tell a good parent by how good their kids are?
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Speaker 1: Yes? And no?
9:23
Speaker 2: Wow?
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Speaker 1: Yeah. The reason these myths exist is because there's a
9:26
Speaker 1: kernel of truth. There's just that little bit that stands
9:28
Speaker 1: on and you go, I can think of so many
9:30
Speaker 1: examples where that's right, but all is it always right?
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Speaker 1: And that's why we need to have this conversation. You
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Speaker 1: and I both know many, many, many kids that have
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Speaker 1: been raised in homes where parents have been supportive and
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Speaker 1: generous and compassionate and involved and structured, and they've ticked
9:50
Speaker 1: all the boxes, and they've had kids who frankly, have
9:53
Speaker 1: been really, really, really challenging. But then those kids, how
9:57
Speaker 1: do they grow up? Do they grow up to be
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Speaker 1: challenging or like results take time to measure, And we
10:02
Speaker 1: also know plenty of parents who have been permissive, even neglectful,
10:06
Speaker 1: plenty of parents who have not fulfilled their parenting responsibilities,
10:12
Speaker 1: and quite often their kids follow what the data suggests
10:15
Speaker 1: and end up having all sorts of really big challenges.
10:17
Speaker 1: But they have some kids that buck the trend in
10:18
Speaker 1: spite of all of the very worst parenting in the world.
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Speaker 1: So I just think it's one of those things, Kylie,
10:22
Speaker 1: where you can't judge a parent by their children, and
10:27
Speaker 1: you can't judge a child by their parents, although there's
10:32
Speaker 1: usually a handful of indicators to give us some reasonable
10:35
Speaker 1: suggestions that things will go one way or another.
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Speaker 2: Over the years, I've actually I've watched some parents and
10:41
Speaker 2: you know, who've had for all intents and purposes picture
10:45
Speaker 2: perfect children, yep. Who As time has gone on, children
10:50
Speaker 2: have completely bucked the system because in order to get
10:53
Speaker 2: those picture perfect children, there's been a high level of
10:57
Speaker 2: control in the relationship, and so children get to a
11:01
Speaker 2: certain point where they kind of realize they don't.
11:03
Speaker 1: Need to they push back. They're a bell. Yeah, And
11:06
Speaker 1: I like what you said. Results take time to measure,
11:08
Speaker 1: And this is the critical thing when we're talking about
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Speaker 1: a good parent or a good kid, when at what
11:13
Speaker 1: point if they're twelve but they're under the thumb, of
11:15
Speaker 1: course they're going to be good and the parents are
11:17
Speaker 1: going to look like their picture perfect But if they're
11:19
Speaker 1: eighteen and now they're rebelling, does that mean that they're
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Speaker 1: bad kids or does that mean that they were bad parents.
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Speaker 1: I just think there's so many factors at play here.
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Speaker 2: When I was growing up, it was very much a
11:30
Speaker 2: societal I guess belief that children were to be seen
11:34
Speaker 2: and not heard. And having raised our children very differently.
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Speaker 1: Children are noisy, had are always heard and seen.
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Speaker 2: And have opinions, yes, And I love.
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Speaker 1: Bringing them into the conversation as well. When we've got
11:49
Speaker 1: friends over around the dining table, bring the kids in,
11:52
Speaker 1: ask the kids what they think. I mean, that's fun.
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Speaker 2: I absolutely love that our children feel like they have
12:00
Speaker 2: the capacity to share their voice. But at times, number one,
12:06
Speaker 2: it can be extremely grating, and number two, it can
12:09
Speaker 2: be very embarrassing when you're out and about and your
12:12
Speaker 2: child decides to just say it how it is in
12:15
Speaker 2: front of someone who's a complete stranger or even a friend.
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Speaker 1: But kids are irrational and logical. Everyone knows that, right.
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Speaker 1: You hope so bad, but they don't. But they don't,
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Speaker 1: And then you get judged as beea, that's right, And then.
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Speaker 2: All of a sudden, I'm a bad parent because how
12:29
Speaker 2: dare I let my children.
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Speaker 1: Speak like that? Yeah? Yeah, don't you teach your children
12:33
Speaker 1: any manners.
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Speaker 2: I saw this post the other day and I wish
12:35
Speaker 2: I had taken a picture of it because it was brilliant.
12:37
Speaker 2: It was just acknowledging that all of these traits that
12:39
Speaker 2: we see in children and see them as being, you know,
12:42
Speaker 2: kind of classed as naughty or disobedient or because they
12:46
Speaker 2: go against the grain. In adults, we would call them
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Speaker 2: innovative and creative.
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Speaker 1: And you're principled rebel, yes, but it's a child. You're
12:56
Speaker 1: just annoying.
12:57
Speaker 2: That's right, and so I love that. You know, we've
12:59
Speaker 2: kind of created this space for our children where they
13:01
Speaker 2: feel they can talk, but at times it can be
13:03
Speaker 2: really challenging as a parent to navigate that because there's
13:07
Speaker 2: a level of immaturity and a reverence that comes with
13:11
Speaker 2: this unlearned skill.
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Speaker 1: Kylie, I think there's one other area that we could
13:16
Speaker 1: talk about here as well, and that is issues to
13:18
Speaker 1: do with well being, mental health, that kind of thing.
13:21
Speaker 1: So I think that I can say without oversharing, that
13:24
Speaker 1: we have one child who has struggled with anxiety issues
13:27
Speaker 1: throughout her entire life. Neither you nor I are anxious.
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Speaker 1: We've raised our children in a home where we focus
13:34
Speaker 1: on well being principles, we focus on faith, we focus
13:37
Speaker 1: on a whole lot of other things that are going
13:38
Speaker 1: to be good, healthy and beneficial for our children. And
13:41
Speaker 1: it seems that no matter what we've done, no matter
13:43
Speaker 1: how many conversations, no matter how many exercises, no matter
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Speaker 1: how many interventions, no matter how many whatever, no matter
13:48
Speaker 1: how much love, that issue still exists. And there are
13:52
Speaker 1: families with all kinds of things that are going on
13:55
Speaker 1: with their children that frankly have little or nothing to
13:59
Speaker 1: do with parenting. But the children exhibit challenging behaviors or
14:04
Speaker 1: experience some delays or difficulties, and it's so easy for
14:08
Speaker 1: parents to be judged by how their kids are turning out.
14:10
Speaker 1: We'll teach ourselves, yeah, yeah, but it's all in the moment.
14:14
Speaker 1: It's in the moment. I think, if we can wrap
14:19
Speaker 1: it up, this myth, it needs to be exploded and
14:22
Speaker 1: we need to really acknowledge that while there are a
14:26
Speaker 1: whole lot of things that parents can do that are predictive,
14:30
Speaker 1: that is that lead in a certain direction, ultimately our children,
14:35
Speaker 1: as they grow will make their own choices. They have
14:38
Speaker 1: what you and I would call agency, the capacity to
14:41
Speaker 1: choose for yourself. And because they've got that capacity to
14:45
Speaker 1: choose for themselves, they're going to do things counter to
14:48
Speaker 1: all of our teaching and all of our ideas if
14:51
Speaker 1: we're getting it right, or they might see what we're
14:54
Speaker 1: doing and we're getting it all wrong, and they may
14:55
Speaker 1: choose otherwise because they don't want to go down that path,
14:58
Speaker 1: and there is nothing that we can do about it
14:59
Speaker 1: one way or the other. They are their own people,
15:02
Speaker 1: and therefore, you can't judge yourself as a parent based
15:07
Speaker 1: on how your kids turn out.
15:09
Speaker 2: Or other parents, or oh thank you so much.
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Speaker 1: I look at my parents, and I look at the
15:13
Speaker 1: way me and my five siblings have turned out. There's me,
15:15
Speaker 1: twin girls, my brother and twin girls, and we live such.
15:19
Speaker 2: Diverse, literally six diverse.
15:22
Speaker 1: And varied lives. We've got the artists. Who's a professional dancer.
15:26
Speaker 1: We've got the marketing entrepreneur, guru, photographer guy. We've got
15:31
Speaker 1: somebody who's working in a hospital, somebody who is dealing
15:34
Speaker 1: with chronic lifelong mental health issues, and somebody who is
15:40
Speaker 1: a mum. We've all just gone in such different directions.
15:43
Speaker 1: And depending on how you measure success and a good
15:46
Speaker 1: life and all that kind of thing, you could judge
15:48
Speaker 1: my parents in so many different ways. But you know
15:52
Speaker 1: how I judge my parents. I just look at how
15:54
Speaker 1: hard they work. I look at how much they loved us,
15:56
Speaker 1: and I acknowledge that they did the absolute very best
16:00
Speaker 1: that they could, and how we turned out has such
16:04
Speaker 1: limited relevance to what they did as parents.
16:06
Speaker 2: I love that Michelle Myth busted.
16:10
Speaker 1: Okay, last comment, because we've got to wrap it up.
16:12
Speaker 1: That times up.
16:12
Speaker 2: Well, Michelle Mitchell just posted something the other day and
16:14
Speaker 2: I thought it was just a nice little ray of hope,
16:17
Speaker 2: she said, good news. A little backchat rejection of your ideas,
16:21
Speaker 2: novelty seeking and risk taking tells us they are developmentally
16:25
Speaker 2: on track.
16:26
Speaker 1: Olch. If you're not following Michelle Mitchell, jump onto her
16:30
Speaker 1: Facebook page. She's great value and has all sorts of
16:32
Speaker 1: excellent insights. We hope that we've busted those myths for you. Yes,
16:36
Speaker 1: it's okay to be friends with your kids, just don't
16:38
Speaker 1: be over permissive and support them in unhealthy behaviors because
16:41
Speaker 1: good friends don't do that, whether it's your kids or
16:44
Speaker 1: someone else. And don't use them as your therapist because,
16:46
Speaker 1: let's be honest, good friends don't do that either. And
16:49
Speaker 1: you can't tell how good a parent is by how
16:52
Speaker 1: the kids are turning out. Sometimes it's just a lottery.
16:56
Speaker 1: Happy Family podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
16:59
Speaker 1: Craig Briups is our executive producer. Hey tomorrow on the podcast. Well, actually,
17:03
Speaker 1: a couple of months ago, we had a chat with
17:05
Speaker 1: James Anderson who talked to us about growth mindset stuff,
17:08
Speaker 1: and we had an incredible conversation. We got so much
17:10
Speaker 1: positive feedback from that podcast. He's back tomorrow. I'm so
17:13
Speaker 1: excited to hear James Anderson tomorrow talking about more myths
17:18
Speaker 1: to do with how our brains work and what we
17:19
Speaker 1: can do to help our kids to work through the
17:21
Speaker 1: hard stuff. And then Kylie, we're back again on Thursday
17:24
Speaker 1: with a couple more myths to bust on the Happy
17:26
Speaker 1: Families Podcast