Latest / Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic / 03: Why the Lies Get Loud When You’re Growing

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03: Why the Lies Get Loud When You’re Growing · Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic

• 0:02
  Speaker: Today we're talking about why those old familiar lies get loud.
• 0:06
  Speaker: Right at the moment, you're stepping into something new.
• 0:08
  Speaker: You know the ones, I mean the doubts, the second guessing the who do you think you are?
• 0:13
  Speaker: Chorus, that shows up just when you're trying to step into a more expansive version of you.
• 0:19
  Speaker: If you've been feeling the inner noise rise up lately, this conversation will help you understand what's really happening underneath and invite a little more compassion into the process.
• 0:30
  Speaker: Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free.
• 0:43
  Speaker: I'm Tania Cervoni, your host and fellow work in Progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole.
• 0:54
  Speaker: Let's jump in.
• 0:55
  Speaker: I will be honest.
• 1:01
  Speaker: This podcast almost didn't happen.
• 1:03
  Speaker: It's something that's been on my heart for years, and yet there was always a reason why life was getting in the way of creating it.
• 1:11
  Speaker: Eventually, I got to the point where the call I felt to use my voice outweighed my doubts.
• 1:17
  Speaker: That said, the minute I finally decided that it was gonna happen, no excuses allowed.
• 1:23
  Speaker: All the old voices showed up.
• 1:26
  Speaker: The voices that taunted.
• 1:27
  Speaker: Who do you think you are and what exactly do you think you have to say?
• 1:31
  Speaker: Or what if no one listens?
• 1:34
  Speaker: And frankly, I was a little surprised.
• 1:37
  Speaker: I mean, I've been doing this inner work for as long as I can remember, and yet there was this entire committee of judges in my mind that frankly I thought I had fired.
• 1:50
  Speaker: But no, they were still very much employed and working hard.
• 1:53
  Speaker: I was tempted to see this as failure.
• 1:56
  Speaker: Uh, just the fact that I, had all these doubts and concerns.
• 2:00
  Speaker: I mean, after all, I'm publishing a podcast on Banishing lies.
• 2:05
  Speaker: So, you know, I kind of have high expectations of myself in this department, and as I mentioned, I've been on this healing self-development journey since, oh, I don't know, it's probably around 12 years old.
• 2:17
  Speaker: That was around the time that my desire to numb out my emotional pain.
• 2:23
  Speaker: Resulted in me flirting with anorexia, which then evolved into full-blown bulimia, which consumed most of my waking hours for the next 20 years or so.
• 2:34
  Speaker: During this battle and for years afterwards, I tried so many programs and modalities to fix myself, to fix my problems, that it kind of sounds laughable when I list them out loud.
• 2:49
  Speaker: So just the other day for fun, I started to write down all the things I've tried.
• 2:53
  Speaker: So from talk therapy to psychiatric care, to courses, retreats.
• 2:58
  Speaker: C-B-T-E-F-T-E-M-D-R psych K.
• 3:02
  Speaker: Okay, that's a lot of letters in a row, but wait, there's more, uh, frequency, healing color therapy.
• 3:09
  Speaker: Reiki was doing a master's in reiki, hypnotherapy.
• 3:12
  Speaker: Years of self-reflection, did I mention meditations?
• 3:16
  Speaker: Spiritual retreats.
• 3:18
  Speaker: Okay.
• 3:18
  Speaker: You get the idea.
• 3:19
  Speaker: If it's out there, I've probably tried it and it's been a lot.
• 3:25
  Speaker: And while.
• 3:27
  Speaker: Each one helped me grow and heal.
• 3:29
  Speaker: They didn't result in a complete annihilation of my inner critic, unfortunately, or a full transcendence of my ego.
• 3:36
  Speaker: But they had grown quieter, and it's been years since I've tried to numb out with food or anything else for that matter.
• 3:46
  Speaker: So this is why I was somewhat surprised when they came back with a roar.
• 3:51
  Speaker: The moment I decided to step into a new level of visibility with this podcast.
• 3:57
  Speaker: However, it's been a great reminder that whenever we take a big step, like launching a podcast or taking on a promotion, or stepping into any level of new visibility or risk taking those voices that we thought were gone, or at least maybe quietly playing in the background, um, can and likely will resurface.
• 4:21
  Speaker: Thankfully, I now recognize that this is not regression.
• 4:25
  Speaker: It's simply our body's way of saying, okay, like hold up.
• 4:31
  Speaker: Is this really safe?
• 4:32
  Speaker: And each time we hit a new ceiling or the edge of our comfort zone, those old patterns wake up and they try to keep us safe and keep us in our secure little box.
• 4:43
  Speaker: The protectors like to also plant seeds of doubt, which often include tales of comparison.
• 4:51
  Speaker: So for me, it was not only who do you think you are to do this, it was also, there are so many mindset podcasts out there.
• 4:59
  Speaker: What could you possibly add?
• 5:01
  Speaker: I mean, how could you even compare?
• 5:03
  Speaker: These were the primary voices that showed up the loudest.
• 5:07
  Speaker: So if you've been there, if you're questioning your worth, your qualifications, your abilities, um, you know how you're gonna compare to other people already doing the thing.
• 5:19
  Speaker: I have some encouragement for you.
• 5:22
  Speaker: Instead of being disappointed or feeling somehow broken, when these voices taunt you take this experience of as proof that not only are you not failing, it's proof that you are incredibly courageous and stretching.
• 5:37
  Speaker: Past your limits.
• 5:39
  Speaker: Okay, you're expanding.
• 5:41
  Speaker: And growth.
• 5:42
  Speaker: Of course, inconveniently never occurs within our comfort zone.
• 5:46
  Speaker: So the more you can anticipate that these voices of doubt are normal and will show up, the better prepared you can be to meet them with compassion versus resistance, which only makes them stronger, and to recognize that you have something to celebrate.
• 6:05
  Speaker: You are pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone.
• 6:09
  Speaker: Now, to be clear, I know this can sound easier than it is in practice.
• 6:14
  Speaker: For one thing, we're often dealing with multiple voices.
• 6:17
  Speaker: So if you're like me, you can have a whole damn committee, like board of directors in your head with titles like the perfectionist, the pleaser, the protector, the peacekeeper, the fixer.
• 6:31
  Speaker: You know, you get the idea.
• 6:32
  Speaker: Each one is convinced that she's saving me from something and in a way, she did.
• 6:39
  Speaker: Back when, and some of our most painful thoughts and beliefs began as forms of protection.
• 6:47
  Speaker: Perhaps, you know, in the past you took a risk.
• 6:51
  Speaker: You shared your voice, you shared an idea, you raised your hand, and it was met with ridicule or maybe criticism.
• 6:58
  Speaker: And in that moment you decided.
• 7:01
  Speaker: I am never putting myself out there like that again.
• 7:05
  Speaker: And that decision stayed with you every time you had the chance to stretch or grow these early decisions.
• 7:13
  Speaker: To play it safe, obviously helped us back in the day, navigate criticism and rejection and chaos.
• 7:20
  Speaker: At a time in our lives when we didn't have the maturity or the capacity to recognize that other people's opinions of us had everything to do with them, and usually not a lot to do with us.
• 7:32
  Speaker: We didn't know the difference.
• 7:33
  Speaker: So we took their feedback on and formed these beliefs and these habits, these identities to protect ourselves.
• 7:41
  Speaker: But.
• 7:43
  Speaker: What once kept us safe, can now shrink our life entirely.
• 7:46
  Speaker: But the good news is, if you're listening to this, well, you're ready to take the journey with me to greater freedom and ease because here's the thing, your spirit, or you might call it, your soul, your higher self, the wisest part of you, whatever that part that is eternal, perfect, whole, complete, knows that all these limitations, these voices are an illusion.
• 8:06
  Speaker: They are not your true identity, and it's waiting in the wings to help you fly.
• 8:11
  Speaker: Once you recognize that, so.
• 8:12
  Speaker: If you've been finding those voices louder than ever, just know they're coming up to be addressed.
• 8:19
  Speaker: And that my friend is a very good thing.
• 8:21
  Speaker: And if you're nodding along thinking, okay, this is all good and fine, Tanya, but how do I actually work with these voices when they get loud?
• 8:30
  Speaker: You've hit on the million dollar question, so let's break this down more.
• 8:34
  Speaker: In my experience, I'd assert that you can't outthink a belief that lives.
• 8:41
  Speaker: In your bones, you know, like deeply embedded in your nervous system or in the far recesses of your subconscious.
• 8:49
  Speaker: And arguing with the fear, attempting to drown it out with affirmations also doesn't work, at least not for me, and not in isolation.
• 8:57
  Speaker: Trying to affirm or declare something that feels so disconnected from your belief system.
• 9:03
  Speaker: Like I am confident.
• 9:05
  Speaker: I am confident when you are, frankly, terrified, can feel like putting a bandage on a hemorrhage.
• 9:09
  Speaker: So.
• 9:10
  Speaker: Not terribly effective and frankly can actually create more resistance.
• 9:15
  Speaker: So we need to go deeper and the starting place is awareness.
• 9:19
  Speaker: Let's expand on this.
• 9:21
  Speaker: When you can see where these beliefs show up and what they're costing you, you open the door to choice.
• 9:29
  Speaker: When you put your finger on the cost of holding onto the limiting belief, whether that cost is your peace, your energy, your confidence, or even your ability to receive love, whatever it is, you move towards awareness and away from operating on autopilot.
• 9:44
  Speaker: There's no choice without awareness.
• 9:47
  Speaker: And then beyond identifying the cost, you wanna also understand the payoff of that old belief.
• 9:55
  Speaker: Now, this can be trickier.
• 9:57
  Speaker: After all these lies that hold us back feel awful.
• 10:01
  Speaker: Take for example, the lie of unworthiness.
• 10:04
  Speaker: There's nothing sexy about that one.
• 10:05
  Speaker: So the first time someone asked me what the payoff was of holding onto the belief that I was not good enough, I just stared at her blankly.
• 10:13
  Speaker: And I was bit upset, frankly, with the question.
• 10:16
  Speaker: I was like, what do you mean the payoff?
• 10:18
  Speaker: There is no payoff.
• 10:19
  Speaker: This feels horrible.
• 10:20
  Speaker: I just wanna feel good about myself.
• 10:22
  Speaker: And of course I was wrong.
• 10:25
  Speaker: There were several payoffs.
• 10:26
  Speaker: Including all the love and attention I received from friends and family who showered me with compliments in an attempt to boost my self-esteem.
• 10:36
  Speaker: So the more I put myself down, the more they would try to pull me up and that support, honestly, it's kind of embarrassing, but true that it felt good.
• 10:44
  Speaker: It felt like love.
• 10:45
  Speaker: It felt like safety.
• 10:46
  Speaker: This limiting belief around unworthiness also allowed me to avoid my fear of disappointing others.
• 10:54
  Speaker: So the thinking goes, if I spent enough time convincing others of how broken I was, that I wasn't good enough, why would they ever expect much from me?
• 11:04
  Speaker: Therefore, I can't disappoint them, and therefore I can't be criticized.
• 11:11
  Speaker: So that was the logic of my inner critic that was trying to keep me safe.
• 11:16
  Speaker: So the payoff list can actually be quite long and quite ugly.
• 11:21
  Speaker: But one thing I've come to understand is if there were no payoff, you would have released that belief by now.
• 11:27
  Speaker: We don't do things for no reason.
• 11:30
  Speaker: There's some benefit.
• 11:31
  Speaker: So if it's still showing up in your life, then there is a payoff to look at.
• 11:36
  Speaker: Take a moment now, if you like, and if you're in a place to do so, to consider for yourself what is a belief that's been getting in the way of what you want for your life.
• 11:47
  Speaker: In the way of you expanding or taking that next step.
• 11:51
  Speaker: Now consider what is it costing you to hold on to this belief?
• 11:56
  Speaker: You may actually want a piece of paper to jot this down if it's available to you.
• 12:03
  Speaker: The cost is often easier to identify than the payoff.
• 12:07
  Speaker: Once again, the cost could be things like exhaustion, disappointed, disappointment, rather, uh, losing your sense of purpose or motivation.
• 12:17
  Speaker: So consider, what is it for you?
• 12:20
  Speaker: Once you have the cost?
• 12:23
  Speaker: Now think about what might be the payoff of holding onto this belief.
• 12:28
  Speaker: Now, the payoff might be things like safety or feeling like you have control or getting attention.
• 12:35
  Speaker: If you're not sure, it can be helpful to ask yourself, what does this belief help me avoid?
• 12:42
  Speaker: Or even more specifically, what does it help me avoid feeling?
• 12:45
  Speaker: Once you can see the cost and the payoff clearly, you can then ask, is it still worth it?
• 12:53
  Speaker: So this is how the awareness puts us in a better position to make a choice.
• 12:59
  Speaker: And the cost and the payoff are really only two components of the Banished lies framework that I'll be sharing more about.
• 13:07
  Speaker: In future, we'll dive more deeply into the other steps that can break us free from the lies that keep us stuck.
• 13:14
  Speaker: But for this episode, it's really just an initiation into identifying the lies that are holding us back and looking closely at how they show up and how they keep us small and stuck in loops and patterns that show up time and again, in upcoming conversations, we'll dive deeper into specific voices and patterns like the perfectionist, the imposter, the people pleaser, and I'll share some of my favorite.
• 13:41
  Speaker: Um, journal prompts and activities, so you can work through them with me.
• 13:45
  Speaker: And when I say work through them with me, that can actually mean a variety of tools.
• 13:51
  Speaker: But one of my favorites is journaling.
• 13:53
  Speaker: And for a long time I resisted it because frankly, it just felt like work.
• 13:57
  Speaker: It felt like school until I experienced its power to shift my thinking and really create powerful intentions for my day.
• 14:06
  Speaker: And these intentions ultimately guide the choices that I make.
• 14:10
  Speaker: And once you start naming the beliefs that have been running the show, you begin to see the identity you've been operating from.
• 14:21
  Speaker: And we're going to talk more about identity because that is the crux of all of this.
• 14:26
  Speaker: That, and usually we're operating from one of two places, either fear or truth.
• 14:31
  Speaker: Fear shrinks us, obviously.
• 14:33
  Speaker: And truth reminds us that at your core, you're already whole and complete.
• 14:38
  Speaker: And when you move from that place, when you make choices from that place, your life starts to feel very, very different.
• 14:49
  Speaker: Now, getting back to journaling for a moment, sometimes people ask me, well, aren't we just kind of overanalyzing like naval gazing when we write about these lies?
• 14:58
  Speaker: And I understand that question because I've wondered the same thing, however, after having journaled.
• 15:04
  Speaker: For many years in leveraging questions like, how does this lie?
• 15:10
  Speaker: Show up for me?
• 15:11
  Speaker: Um, what does it protect me from?
• 15:14
  Speaker: And one of my favorites, who would I be without this belief?
• 15:17
  Speaker: I've come to appreciate that no, this isn't about out thinking.
• 15:21
  Speaker: The belief out thinking tries to rely only on logic to argue with the belief.
• 15:26
  Speaker: Reflection, however, slows the argument down long enough for truth to enter.
• 15:32
  Speaker: And when you name the lie and you explore its full impact, your mind and your body start to reconnect.
• 15:39
  Speaker: So you're not trying to silence the emotions that might come up when you see the lie for what it is, you're giving it language.
• 15:47
  Speaker: And this can allow you to actually feel your way through it.
• 15:50
  Speaker: And that's when it begins to loosen its grip, even if it's just a little bit.
• 15:56
  Speaker: So reflection isn't the opposite of embodiment.
• 15:59
  Speaker: It's really a bridge to it.
• 16:00
  Speaker: In fact.
• 16:00
  Speaker: I believe in the power of journaling so much that I'm in the process of creating some guided journals that include exercises that will even go beyond journal prompts, and I can't wait to share a free sample with listeners, but that's a conversation for another day.
• 16:17
  Speaker: In the meantime, here's the truth that I wanna share about thoughts and beliefs.
• 16:21
  Speaker: We don't choose which thoughts appear, but we do choose which ones to empower.
• 16:29
  Speaker: Every time we refuse to partner with an old belief, and by partner, I mean give it attention, that alliance starts to weaken.
• 16:39
  Speaker: And I don't want you to think of this as a battle.
• 16:42
  Speaker: Engaging in a battle only generates resistance.
• 16:45
  Speaker: Think of this more like gently unplugging a cord that's been draining you.
• 16:50
  Speaker: And one of the important things that actually helps on this journey, and it's actually even good to do before we examine all the beliefs that are running the show, is to pause and consider what am I truly committed to in life.
• 17:05
  Speaker: So for me, for example, I'm fully committed to using the gifts that God gave me.
• 17:10
  Speaker: I'm fully committed to eliminating the beliefs that keep me from being patient, kind, generous, loving, expansive.
• 17:19
  Speaker: I am also committed to modeling the truth for my daughter.
• 17:22
  Speaker: And by truth, I'm referring to what I mentioned earlier, that you know, we are divine beings having a human experience, and we have yet to understand, for most of us how truly powerful we are, myself included.
• 17:36
  Speaker: So my question to you is, what is true for you?
• 17:41
  Speaker: What are you committed to?
• 17:43
  Speaker: When you know what you're truly committed to, it's easier to tell which thoughts belong, which ones empower that and which ones don't, which ones to entertain and which ones to banish.
• 17:58
  Speaker: Maybe your commitment is to peace to creativity, to being in service, or to just experience more love.
• 18:06
  Speaker: So again, take a moment if you can right now to jot it down or at least hold it in your mind.
• 18:13
  Speaker: That's your North Star, and every time a lie whispers, ask yourself, does this thought move me towards or away from my North Star?
• 18:25
  Speaker: And if it moves you away, then just banish that thing.
• 18:30
  Speaker: And we're gonna talk more about this and future.
• 18:33
  Speaker: And I also know that it might sound like I'm suggesting this is easy.
• 18:37
  Speaker: It is not.
• 18:37
  Speaker: So when the voices feel too strong, you can also ask for help.
• 18:42
  Speaker: This could be from your higher self, the universe, God, Christ, whoever, whatever you trust that's bigger than your fear.
• 18:51
  Speaker: Because sometimes the most courageous act is acknowledging that I can't do this on my own.
• 18:58
  Speaker: We're not meant to wrestle with darkness alone.
• 19:02
  Speaker: This is again, in part why I wanted to have this podcast.
• 19:07
  Speaker: So there could be a community and a connection amongst all of us.
• 19:12
  Speaker: Who are walking this path and trying to be the truest and most free and expansive version of ourselves.
• 19:22
  Speaker: So here's the challenge I have for you.
• 19:24
  Speaker: If you're willing this week, notice one thought that pulls you away from your commitment.
• 19:32
  Speaker: Ask what it costs you and what it protects you from.
• 19:37
  Speaker: So the payoff then.
• 19:40
  Speaker: Take one small action in alignment with your North Star in alignment with what you are truly committed to, and if applicable, consider who can help you walk that path, whether that is God or someone in your physical environment.
• 20:02
  Speaker: Now, the small action doesn't have to be some big audacious thing In fact.
• 20:06
  Speaker: We have another lion in our society that it's these only these big, bold acts that are important or heroic.
• 20:15
  Speaker: And the truth is that often the tiniest things when we do them consistently, can have the biggest impact on our life.
• 20:22
  Speaker: I mean, think about simple things like drinking an extra glass of water every day, walking another thousand steps, um, smiling at a stranger and having that mirrored back to you, speaking kindly to yourself, if only just for today.
• 20:36
  Speaker: Don't underestimate the power of intention and the tiny acts that flow from it.
• 20:43
  Speaker: Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is simply skip the self-criticism and hold yourself in the truth of love and compassion.
• 20:52
  Speaker: When we live from that truth, rere, remind others what's possible as well.
• 20:59
  Speaker: There are very few things more beautiful than a person who loves themselves enough to spill that love into the world.
• 21:09
  Speaker: So if your old voices start to chatter this week, remember they're not proof you're broken.
• 21:16
  Speaker: They're proof that you are expending.
• 21:20
  Speaker: You were never broken.
• 21:22
  Speaker: Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies.
• 21:29
  Speaker: If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in.
• 21:34
  Speaker: And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too.
• 21:36
  Speaker: Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them.
• 21:40
  Speaker: I'm Tania Cerv oni, and until next time, be kind to yourself.
• 21:45
  Speaker: And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.