Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S6 Ep1: Flat Earth, Full Laughs: Comedy

Transcript

S6 Ep1: Flat Earth, Full Laughs: Comedy · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Shout out to all the teachers that told me I'd never make it.
0:04
SPEAKER_00: I just like to repeat stuff that rappers say.
0:07
SPEAKER_00: Like that makes me feel good.
0:09
SPEAKER_00: But my teachers legit did not believe in me.
0:11
SPEAKER_00: Like I went to a Muslim school, like I went to an Islamic private school, and I told them that I wanted to do comedy and they had never even heard of that.
0:19
SPEAKER_00: So they're just like, no.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: You want people to laugh at the Muslims?
0:27
SPEAKER_00: I was like, yeah, kinda, yeah.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: I had another teacher who was also the Imam.
0:36
SPEAKER_00: He was like the religious leader, and he found out that I wanted to do comedy and he took me aside and like a private moment, and he said, You want to be a funny guy, huh?
0:44
SPEAKER_00: You think this life is funny, my friend?
0:46
SPEAKER_00: Fun in games?
0:48
SPEAKER_00: When you see the power of Allah on the day of judgment, brother, you will not be laughing.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: And I was just like, I'm still gonna do it.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: It made me want to do it even more so that I could be like all the rappers that I looked up to, you know?
1:07
SPEAKER_00: Like I I did have teachers that did believe in me, but that's not good for my narrative.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: So I like to just focus.
1:15
SPEAKER_00: I was listening to a Meek Mill song one time, and in the middle of the song, Meek Mill goes, To the teachers that said I wouldn't make it here.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: I spend a day with you make a year.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: And I heard that and I was like, I'm gonna flex just like that.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: As soon as I get on.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: And then I became a comedian, and it's good.
1:32
SPEAKER_00: A little hard to flex, though, to be honest with you.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: Like, what could I even say to the teachers that said I wouldn't make it here?
1:38
SPEAKER_00: I make a year what you make a year.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: Like, that doesn't sound as good.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: You didn't believe in me, and now we're roommates, dumbass.
1:47
SPEAKER_00: Good job.
1:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: He told me I was gonna starve in front of the whole class.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: I remember.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: He said, You want to be a comedian?
1:55
SPEAKER_00: You're going to be very hungry, my friend.
1:57
SPEAKER_00: And I wish he could see me now.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: Be like, bro, I've never been hungry a single day in my life because I still live with my parents, asshole.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: Did you think about that?
2:04
SPEAKER_00: No, you didn't.
2:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm never hungry.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: My mom cuts me fruit all the time.
2:10
SPEAKER_00: And then she brings it into my room because she has zero boundaries.
2:13
SPEAKER_00: She just walks right in.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: My mom's sick, man.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: She's a, you know, she's a she's a Muslim woman.
2:22
SPEAKER_00: She wears a hijab.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: I don't look very Muslim, like just off look.
2:26
SPEAKER_00: So nobody ever bothers me about it, you know?
2:27
SPEAKER_00: She wears a hijab.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: She looks Muslim all the time.
2:30
SPEAKER_00: One time she told me a story.
2:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like a Halloween costume.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: She looks she looks Muslim all the time, you know?
2:40
SPEAKER_00: So one time she told me that uh she was driving around and a guy pulled up next to her in traffic and saw that she was wearing the hijab and then he like flipped her off and then he like followed her in his car for a while.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: And I was like terrified when she told me this.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to ask her this question, but I asked her, I was like, Mom, have you ever like thought about taking off your hijab?
2:58
SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Malik, I would rather die a martyr than let those people change me.
3:03
SPEAKER_00: I was like, all right, Tupac.
3:05
SPEAKER_00: Fucking relax.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: Jesus.
3:07
SPEAKER_00: Chill out.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: Don't talk like that.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: Don't wish a motherfucker would.
3:12
SPEAKER_00: That's exactly the opposite of what I wanted.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: She's nuts.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: Crazy talk.
3:17
SPEAKER_00: But I was proud of her.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want her to change anything about herself, but I want her to be safe, so it's like, what do we do here?
3:22
SPEAKER_00: You know, like something's gotta change.
3:24
SPEAKER_00: Society is not gonna change, so it's like we gotta figure something out.
3:27
SPEAKER_00: What I'm thinking of doing is coming out with a line of hate crime proof hijabs that my mom can wear.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: Completely hate crime proof, okay?
3:36
SPEAKER_00: First one, I'm thinking standard, just Confederate flag hijab.
3:43
SPEAKER_00: Because listen, that's gonna short circuit, but nobody's gonna know what to do when they see that.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: Next time some guy pulls up next to my mom in traffic, he's gonna be like, ugh.
4:04
SPEAKER_00: You wore the piece of cloth that we like.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: This is another one.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: This is uh this is a prototype.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's ready for the streets just yet, but um all white hijab, but just a little bit pointy in the back.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: Just a little bit pointy.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: Not all the way, but just deceptively pointy for some peace of mind.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: I am looking for peace of mind, man.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: I've been I've been I've been going to a therapist for four years.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: I think it's a scam.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: At least I don't have a good therapist.
4:41
SPEAKER_00: Like I because I didn't like get referred like by a doctor, like I just like went online.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: Like I just like Googled help.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: Please, please help.
4:52
SPEAKER_00: And then it took me to a website, and on the website it was like, write out a list of your problems so we can use that to like match you up.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, alright.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: And I selected anxiety because that's what I was that's what I was having, and then it was like, write out the anxiety, explain what that feels like so that we can use that to better match you up to somebody.
5:07
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, it's anxiety, it's not gonna make sense.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay.
5:12
SPEAKER_00: I'm not as good of a Muslim as I was raised to be, but I still feel like a good person, you know?
5:19
SPEAKER_00: And it's I feel conflicted because in school they taught us that everything is written before we're even born, like all my decisions are made for me.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: So it's like, am I just doomed to make these mistakes that God wrote for me?
5:30
SPEAKER_00: Like, like, what if Allah judges me unfairly?
5:34
SPEAKER_00: And then I submitted that.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: And then they were like, you should talk to Helen about this.
5:42
SPEAKER_00: Helen, Helen's good for shit like this.
5:45
SPEAKER_00: She's she's on top of it, trust me.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Helen, are you even listening to me?
5:49
SPEAKER_00: What did it what is Helen gonna do?
5:51
SPEAKER_00: You couldn't have brought me like a Dr.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: Mahmoud El-Shabazz, somebody to just tell me to pray, brother.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: Your life is haram.
5:58
SPEAKER_00: Of course you feel terrible.
6:00
SPEAKER_00: At least he understands.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be in a meeting with Helen.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: She's gonna be like, tell me more about this Allah character.
6:06
SPEAKER_00: He sounds toxic.
6:09
SPEAKER_00: I mean, why would you hang out with a guy like that?
6:13
SPEAKER_00: Who is he to judge you?
6:14
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, well, he's actually he's the only one who can, so and that's my therapist, Helen.
6:23
SPEAKER_00: I've been with Helen for about four years.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: That's and we get into arguments, like I'll fight with Helen because like she just tries too much, like too new age of ideas.
6:31
SPEAKER_00: It's not practical.
6:32
SPEAKER_00: This is when I knew like I have to find someone else, is when she asked me what my astrological sign was in the middle of a set.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: Like my therapist was like, What's your star sign?
6:42
SPEAKER_00: I was like, Helen, come on.
6:44
SPEAKER_00: We can't both be mentally ill, you know?
6:46
SPEAKER_00: It's gotta be.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: We're just two crazy people yelling at each other now.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: We don't need to be in an office.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: She's like, You're an Aries.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, You're good, Helen.
6:59
SPEAKER_00: You're good.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: You can stay.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm working on, you know.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: Because I get angry a lot, so I'm trying to figure out like what's good, what's the right thing to get angry about.
7:10
SPEAKER_00: Because I'll like, you know, there's stuff that's like not worth it to get angry about.
7:13
SPEAKER_00: Like it's just this is when I realized I I had to stop doing it was when um Kyrie Irving got in trouble.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: When Kyrie got in trouble, that was that was big.
7:22
SPEAKER_00: Because like because I he was like my favorite basketball player.
7:24
SPEAKER_00: He's one of the best basketball players of this generation.
7:26
SPEAKER_00: And he, yeah, he got in trouble because he shared an anti-Semitic documentary on his Twitter.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: It was wild.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: Like he, you know, like in the documentary like denied the Holocaust.
7:35
SPEAKER_00: It was like nuts.
7:36
SPEAKER_00: And like they wanted to kick him out of the NBA, and I agreed.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, this is bullshit, there's no place for that.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: But then I I caught myself in the middle of it.
7:43
SPEAKER_00: I was like, wait a second, why am I even mad at this guy?
7:45
SPEAKER_00: A year before this, he said he thought the earth was flat.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: Like, if a guy tells you that he thinks the earth is flat, don't ask him about the Jews.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: Like, what are you doing?
7:57
SPEAKER_00: What did you think he was gonna say?
8:02
SPEAKER_00: If you walked in on your girlfriend cheating on you, you don't need to be like, let me see your phone.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: Unlock your phone.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: I can see the way this guy's hitting it from the back, you're lying, I can tell.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: There's no woke flat earthers.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: There's never been, there's nobody who's like, the earth is flat, but you know, I love everybody on it.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: We're all doing our best on this frisbee ride in space, man.
8:27
SPEAKER_00: That's traveling upwards to simulate gravity.
8:29
SPEAKER_00: We're all doing our best, and we gotta pay attention because it's heating up.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: The disc is heating up.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: And the water's gonna rise, it's gonna pour off the sides.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: We gotta be careful.
8:41
SPEAKER_00: People don't usually double up on causes like that.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: They're like the earth is flat and there's too many Filipinos on it, and it's gonna tip over if we don't find the edge that the Jews are hiding from us and push the like who cares?
8:52
SPEAKER_00: He's a basketball player, it doesn't.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: He's not making the rules.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: Kanye was the same thing.
9:02
SPEAKER_00: That was tough for me when Kanye got in trouble.
9:04
SPEAKER_00: Because I've been a Kanye apologist my whole life.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: Every time Kanye said something stupid, I was always the guy in the back of the room being like, just wait for the album, bro.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: Like, you don't even, you don't get it.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: You he's in the future.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: You wouldn't even, you're not an artist.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: How could you get it?
9:20
SPEAKER_00: And then he was like, I'm gonna go DEF CON 3 on the Jews, and I was like, this better be a good album.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: This sounds like the past, yay, to be honest with you.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: My uh my family's from Lebanon, you know, I'm from Canada, like I was raised in Canada, but my mom raised over in Lebanon.
9:43
SPEAKER_00: She tells me wild stories about what that was like for her.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: In 1982, Israel invaded Lebanon.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: So my mom grew up with like Israeli tanks rolling through her village, like they used to come into the house and do check shops all the time.
9:57
SPEAKER_00: It's a crazy way to grow up.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: One day the Israeli military fired a missile at my grandma's house and it broke through the wall and just landed inside and just spun out.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: And they just all had to like just it didn't it didn't explode.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: The missile just did not go off.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: And they all just had to like back away from the missile and just like pray that nothing happened.
10:19
SPEAKER_00: And then the Israeli military just came and like scooped it up, they're like, and then they just turned in and left.
10:29
SPEAKER_00: But if that missile went off, I would have never existed.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: Like my whole family would have been vapor, I wouldn't be here talking to you guys right now.
10:38
SPEAKER_00: So I still listen to Kanye sometimes.
10:41
SPEAKER_00: I feel that's fair.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: Bro, when I woke up today and saw the news, I was like, my taping.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: You guys are a dope proud.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: That's good, thank God.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: Bro, I swear, if I'm like bro, my luck Connie's gonna drop tonight.
11:09
SPEAKER_00: He's gonna drop the most racist album you've ever heard.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: So this is uh this is the first year of me doing stand-up where I've gotten to like travel a lot, and it's been very fun.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: It's uh it's a lot of travel.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: I'm not complaining, but it's you know, it's a lot.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: So I'm trying to like figure out how to streamline that experience because I was something would always go wrong, I would lose my boarding pass or something, and then I would be in the like the line, fumbling with my email, holding it up.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: So I started doing this thing where I'd make my phone background, my boarding pass, just so it'd be easy to scan in real quick.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: But I also do this thing where sometimes before I come on stages, I make my phone background like a list of my jokes just so it's easy for me to reference, just like one or two words to remind me.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: And I forgot to switch it.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: And I just went to get on the plane.
11:55
SPEAKER_00: I just showed like a nice lady that works at the airport a list that said Islamic school, prove them all wrong.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: Bulletproof hijab.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: My therapist is the crazy one, and Israel payback.
12:16
SPEAKER_00: And I was just sitting there like, oh no.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: I just I think that stuff's funny.
12:26
SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys very much.