Latest / Talking FACS / Creating A Spark

Transcript

Creating A Spark · Talking FACS

• 0:01
  Welcome to talking facts.
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  What you need to know about family,
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  food,
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  finance and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized award winning podcast is hosted by the University of Kentucky.
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  Family and consumer sciences extension program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals,
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  families and communities to improve quality of life.
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  Hello and welcome to talking facts.
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  This is your host,
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  Dr jennifer Hunter,
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  assistant director for family consumer sciences extension at the University of Kentucky today.
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  I'm pleased to be joined by Dr David Wise in Horn,
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  our senior extension specialist for parenting and child development.
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  Welcome David.
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  So David,
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  one thing that I think is fun about when we podcast together is that we just have the opportunity to have a conversation and when we kind of sit down to record,
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  I say,
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  David,
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  what are we gonna talk about today?
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  And this is one of those?
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  I think it's gonna be really fun to chat about.
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  So our topic today is creating a spark in a relationship.
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  So I think lots of lots of great tips and conversation to come for our listeners,
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  so kick us off and get started.
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  Yeah.
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  So I don't know how many of our listeners spent the entire Covid quarantine with their,
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  with their spouse,
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  but or with their partner.
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  But it could rather it could draw out and and could create some tough relational energy if you will.
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  And sometimes what happened with that was the inability to go out and what happens when we're not able to to go out together and experience new things is boredom.
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  It creeps in,
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  right?
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  So boredom is not a person that's not respective of age or race or relational status?
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  It just happens and it happens to all of us.
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  And what some research indicates is that boredom experienced in some married couples that goes unchanged can predict a reduction in marital satisfy Action later in life.
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  And so that was a longitudinal study that followed folks for for 10 years.
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  And what they saw early on with the boredom just really kind of drug on when it wasn't changed and it created some major problems later in life.
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  And so with that knowledge,
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  I thought that I might be able to help it offer some suggestions if we have individuals or couples listening,
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  that might be experiencing some of that boredom.
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  And so the first thing I would say is don't fret right?
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  Don't think that.
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  Hey,
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  I just mentioned that it happens to all of us.
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  So if you're feeling bored in your relationship,
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  it doesn't mean that your relationship is inherently bad or it's doomed.
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  It just means that you're human research among Children found that boredom is often a catalyst for novel thought and ideas.
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  So perhaps the same is true among adult relationships.
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  So instead of going down the path of doom and gloom,
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  begin thinking of what you can do and what you would like to change to break that monotony.
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  So the first step is not to freak out and just start thinking,
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  right?
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  So,
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  you know,
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  David,
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  as you're talking about boredom in adulthood.
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  I'm kind of wondering,
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  do adults really recognize that they're bored?
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  You know,
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  our kids,
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  they'll say,
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  I'm bored,
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  you know,
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  I don't have,
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  you know,
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  like they'll,
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  they'll whine and they recognize that they're bored,
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  but just listening to you talk,
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  I don't know that I truly that I'm conscious of being bored bored.
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  But now as I'm thinking about it,
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  I can think,
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  well,
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  you know,
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  sometimes I'll say,
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  well,
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  I'm just in a funk or,
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  you know,
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  like,
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  but really and truly,
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  that's,
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  it's boredom probably is what it is.
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  It could very well be that.
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  And I think boredom you're right,
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  it encompasses a lot,
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  but it's the lack of excitement.
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  It's the lack of energy.
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  And a lot of times what happens,
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  boredom creeps in just as you say,
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  because it becomes our,
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  our schedules become mundane and again,
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  happen easily and certainly has probably happened to a lot of people as,
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  as the inability to go out and experience and,
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  and do the things that we like to do in the past years.
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  So yeah,
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  that's,
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  that's exactly right,
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  jennifer,
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  you know,
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  and especially as you think about couples or individuals that were extremely social,
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  whether that's with large groups or just,
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  you know,
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  as a couple.
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  But in terms of eating out at restaurants and going to the movies or traveling,
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  that the limits that have been placed on that,
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  if that was kind of the excitement enjoyment spark as you called it earlier.
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  That that becomes hard,
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  you know,
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  hard to replace maybe,
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  um,
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  without putting some,
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  some thought into it well.
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  And here's the second thing is that that we gotta talk about it and that's what happens.
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  It's like if we're not talking about it,
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  if we're not noticing it,
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  then too many times those feelings of boredom in a relationship go unspoken.
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  And that's the dangers is that if we're not talking about it,
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  we oftentimes may let it go for a long time and fall into those detrimental traps.
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  And so it's not uncommon for one person in the relationship to feel bored and the other one not.
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  So that's the other piece of that too.
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  So while several reasons for feeling boredom,
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  a lot of the research shows that it's just,
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  it's just a lack of novelty or a lack of stimulation that seems to be the most popular among folks that identify this boredom feeling,
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  failing to address that topic is not a viable solution.
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  And so speaking about it and speaking up is part of that solution,
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  I was gonna say,
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  I could see how that communication peace could,
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  could be tough because you don't want to be the person to say honey on board because you don't want to hurt the other individuals feelings,
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  especially if if you don't perceive that their board as well,
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  that you don't want to make them feel bad or inadequate or that you're unsatisfied with the relationship or whatever it may be.
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  That,
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  I mean that's absolutely right.
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  And that was one of the next point.
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  So it's great.
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  It's the be kind like when we're talking about it,
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  it's not a blame game.
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  It's not the fault of of your partner.
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  But remember that your spouse is not trying to hurt you right by confessing that they may feel bored in the relationship.
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  The attempt is to to rekindle that fire and passion.
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  So,
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  so be kind.
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  Don't share in the feeling if you don't share in the feeling and here's your chance to do something out of the ordinary.
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  So instead of staying in,
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  go out instead of planning ahead,
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  be spontaneous and whatever you do,
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  remember,
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  it's for the betterment of your relationship.
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  So yeah,
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  be kind.
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  Then the final thing I would say is the last one,
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  which seems to be the most the natural process would be to act.
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  So,
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  so now start making a list and together the two of you can begin making a list of what do you want to do to spice things up a bit.
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  Research shows that dating couples who feel bored often try new things to break the cycle while married couples find success spending a bit more time on themselves.
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  Whether that's exercising more or just having some alone time.
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  So whatever the case,
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  talk it out,
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  make a list of activities and each of you would like to try and then get to do it.
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  I can see that too because the better you feel about yourself,
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  the better you feel with your spouse or your partner and your relationship.
• 7:19
  Yeah,
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  I mean,
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  you know what's funny is that because we might spend so much time together.
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  The spark might be just rekindling that feeling of being separated,
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  right?
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  That longing for other,
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  right?
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  So sometimes it's a break and that's okay.
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  Like sometimes it is like just working on yourself and taking a much needed break to get that feeling of wanting to spend time together.
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  So whatever it is for you,
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  whatever it is in your relationship,
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  just make sure you're communicating about it,
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  Make a list and get some action on.
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  It sounds like a plan.
• 7:51
  David,
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  thank you so much for joining us today.
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