Latest / Just Us Sisters / Episode 24: The Challenges & Blessings of Being Single (20s & 30s) - Part I
Transcript
- speaker-0: Welcome to episode twenty-three today, The Blessing and Challenges of Being Single. Before we start, I want to introduce my sisters. We've got we've got Susan, Shelly, Stacy, the little baby, and I'm Cheryl. I'm number two. Today our special guests are our daughters and daughter single. And we're just excited to see what they have to say about being single. Let me start by introducing Caitlin. She's 38 years old and from the Houston area. Then we've got Cherokee. She just turned 26 from Houston. And then Michaela is from Austin and she's 25 years old. So let's just start this out with a bang. If you have to describe your singleness with one word, Caitlin, I'm gonna start off with you since you're the oldest. What would you say it is? speaker-2: One word? That's a lot. I would say I would say joyful. I would say joyful because it's just in a different season of life. And like all of my friends are married with kids or just married. And you can tend to look at that as a bad thing or kind of like feel bad about yourself or you can use your time and your singleness. So I choose to be joyful during this time. Yeah. I've been enjoying it. speaker-0: Thanks for sharing. That's a great answer. Cherokee, what's your one word that you would describe being single? speaker-3: My one word would be chosen. Like I'm not pursuing anything right now, just kind of echoing what Caitlin said of just enjoying and choosing to be single in this season and really enjoying just like the time with my friends and the flexibility that it offers or that I see that it offers. I ⁓ speaker-0: Turkey. How about you, Michaela? speaker-4: Say kind of adventurous. Kind of not dating or anything at the moment, but like I'm I've been in a big season of doing a lot of things with my friends, like trips and events and activities, ⁓ which is not always the case, but it's been a very long few months of doing like adventurous things with my friends and the people in my life. speaker-2: Good one. speaker-0: You know, th I that makes me so proud to be your mother and y'all's aunt and that y'all are so good with where you are in your life. So that takes me to the ⁓ the first challenge we wanna talk about. ⁓ what has been the hardest part of being single, I would say after high school? speaker-4: Honestly, I think the biggest challenge to me at least is the people on the outside. Because I feel like every conversation always kind of ends with so are you dating, what's going on? And then trying to set you up or trying to do this and that when that's not I mean, which, you know, that is the conversation just how it is sometimes, but also not my entire life. ⁓ and so I would say the biggest challenge is kind of talking to other people about it. speaker-1: So you don't wanna be set up? Not ⁓ Okay, just you need to let us know those Yes. speaker-4: Saying that speaker-0: I feel bad because I'm really bad about that. Not just with y'all. I mean, I have a sixty year old friend and and I'm always saying, hey, we gotta find you someone. But you know what? Just because I wouldn't be able to live by myself, does not I am impressed that all three of y'all do so well. speaker-2: would say to kind of piggy up back off of what Michaela said, but like the biggest challenge for me is being able to say no because it's really hard when you have people just think like, ⁓ they have all this time. And we do, but that doesn't mean we don't do stuff with our time. And that doesn't mean that stuff is not going on. And I know that I can help out. I know I can do this. And I know I can do that. But realizing that Sometimes you have to be able to say no. And my dad said many, many years ago, let your yeses be yes and your no's be no's. And that's that can be hard when you're like, No, I can't do that. And you feel like it's all on your shoulders. You're like, No, it's not. It's okay. I can say no. speaker-1: That's a great point, Caitlin. I think we all should learn from that too though. I mean, we could all say no with more oomph behind it. speaker-3: Say maybe not the biggest challenge, but one thing that I I see is it's just I think when like you're in a relationship or just like someone that you can like call. I think about like, okay, if I'm on the side of the road, like tire goes out or something, yes, of of course I can handle it. But sometimes you just like want to have somebody that you can call to help. And not being near like my family and things, I I think about like that. And it typically ends up being like my friends' husbands, right? Where I'm like, okay, I know that they would. come and help if they could and and just like I don't know like things around the house and just kind of having like a handy person or just someone to do something of like I don't sometimes I'm just like man I really wish like someone would just take my car to get serviced. Like just little things like that where you just don't all guys have their own strengths and different things. I don't I'm not saying they have to be like blue collar worker, but I don't know. There's just it's just nice to kind of like share responsibilities around the house, around things that you have to do. And you take that on completely when you're single. speaker-5: Leads into my question. ⁓ how do you handle loneliness when it shows up? speaker-2: I would say I know that I rely very heavily on my mom. Like she's she's a person I call when I'm headed to work. She's a person I call when I'm headed home from work. And it could be like the tiniest little like 30 second conversation. But it's just kind of nice to know that someone cares and someone's there. And so if I need someone to talk to and I'm like, ⁓ man, my friend, she's probably hanging out with her husband or this or that, you know. I know that I can call my mom and just get that little like reassurance. That's my go to. Okay. speaker-0: Who knows, Susan? speaker-3: I would say I have a really good network of friends that understand where I'm at 'cause I think I have one single friend out of who I would consider like really close. And so I don't know, they're they also make themselves available, like even when they have children or they're doing something within a reason, right? So I think kind of the same thing, Caitlin, of reaching out, just sending a voice message, giving them a call. ⁓ I also just I have hobbies too. Like I really enjoy reading and and baking. And so sometimes I'm like, okay, well I'm gonna bake and 'cause I have nothing to do and then I'm gonna bring it to my my job and my coworkers are going to enjoy it. So just finding like those other outlets as well to take not to take up the time to like fill a hole, but just like, okay, I have this time. What do I like to do? What what can I do with this? speaker-4: Yeah, I'm kind of learning that with ⁓ Cherokee. I mean same thing, like I have a really good support system and friends that are always down to talk on the phone. ⁓ but when they're not, especially being a teacher and having the summer and friends who work, it is a lot of extra alone time. So it's been a lot of finding the things that I enjoy doing, ⁓ which is fun in itself. I mean, just doing random things all the time. But I mean I also have a dog, so when it gets really lonely, we'll go on walks and we'll play. ⁓ and she helps a lot in keeping me busy whenever I need that. speaker-1: Hey y'all, where is the hardest place for y'all to be single? speaker-4: I think weddings. speaker-2: ⁓ that's a good one. speaker-4: Especially when I mean it's fun. Your weddings are always fun, especially when you're with your friends. But kind of just like seeing something that you do want one day and then seeing all the other couples that are dancing and sitting together. It's just a little speaker-2: when they're like, ⁓ the single ladies come out to the dance floor and everyone looks at you. They're like, get out there. I'm like, I don't want to. I would say for me, for the longest time, it was actually church because it just I didn't feel like I had a place there. It was always there is a children's ministry, there's a youth ministry, there's a singles slash young adult ministry, but there's nothing for you ⁓ And then like you age out of young adults at like twenty-six and it's like, Okay, now then we have a ministry for young married couples, young married couples with kids. And it just kind of felt like, Where's a place for me? I really don't have a place. speaker-1: You're forgotten about you feel. speaker-2: Yeah, yeah. And I would say that's the biggest. Of course, like going to weddings or going out to eat and like seeing couples out. But it was just at the one place that I felt like you were supposed to be comfortable and feel at home and the most seen. I didn't want to go to a married couple's group 'cause I was like, this is so awkward. I'm the unc I'm the only single person here. And then I didn't want to go to young adults because I'm like, I'm the oldest person here. So it was just I it's I have found an amazing church. It's a very young church and I have never felt more seen, but for the longest time it was that. speaker-5: That's good. speaker-3: agree, I I think just any kind of like large social setting. But again, I I'm I'm very thankful and maybe I just am like dragging people out, but I'm like, I've like gone to holiday parties for my work. And usually it's someone they're bringing their spouse, but I mean Michaela has joined me, other friends have joined me. I went by myself one year. So I I don't know, I just tried not to think too much about it because then I'll get sad. So I'm just like, okay, how can we make The most of wherever I'm at. speaker-1: Well in Saint John. speaker-2: Like I would I would bring like friends on family vacations with us 'cause I'm like everyone else has someone. I don't and those friends like became family. speaker-1: Well, so what would y'all want people, especially married people, to know about, you know, you being single that maybe we wouldn't know, ⁓ that would help you feel more apart? speaker-4: I say any invite. I mean, just like if it's something simple like hanging out with them or going to dinner. One of my best friends, her and her husband have adopted me as their child. And they c make me dinner, or we'll all make dinner, or they'll invite me. I mean, just to do whatever. And that has been like very special. Because I mean, they're my only married friend, but it has shown me a lot of kind of what I want in a guy is to be with his wife and like in the friendship, you know. He allows us allows. us to we I mean, we hang out all the time. And so having that invite as often as I get it is very appreciated. speaker-1: Good to know. speaker-2: Yeah. No, I'd say the exact same thing. It's so special to be invited into someone's house and when my friends' kids call me KK and I'm just like a another family member, that is so special. And give us I think it's like from like what I said before. Sometimes you gotta say no and it's not you. It's me. I it's it's okay if I say no and I'm I'm not saying it to be mean or rude or anything, but somet I have to protect myself. speaker-1: You're busy. Yeah. Yeah. No. speaker-5: I think even if you're not busy, you can say no. I mean, you have a life and there should not be the expectation just because you're not doing something that you have to fill that role for them. ⁓ with that said, I think Cherokee has mastered the third wheel in a very positive way because, like she said, the majority of her friends are married and as a result, she has just become family to them and especially aunts. C C to all their children. speaker-3: Yep. Sure have. I also don't have any siblings, so I had to had to be an aunt in there somewhere. So something I've been seeing and I I do agree with it to some extent and I think it even applies to married people of okay, so if you're single and you're attending weddings and baby showers and wedding showers and all of these things, it's like sometimes there can feel like there's a gap And not in like a prideful way, but like where are we being celebrated? Like where is that like recognition of that? And it a birthday, but that's it, right? And I think it goes back to even what Michaela was saying too of when eventually I think a default thing people are gonna ask is like, ⁓ how's work? How's your relationship? How's your dating life? And like coaxing people and like just getting better as a society of what we talk about. Like why it cause it's easy because most people have a spouse, most people have children. It's easy to be like, ⁓ have kids. How's the spouse? How's it how's the dating life? But it's like, okay, well, let's talk about like what was something that you were really proud of that you did this week? Or, you know, what what's the upcoming travel, vacation? What what hobbies have you picked up? Right. So it's like kind of changing the default conversation starters into something that you can potentially like actually learn something about someone and it sounds more genuine than, ⁓ how's it going dating? When I'm like, I haven't talked to you in a year. You don't care. You don't you know, like you would only care if I ha said something that was juicy. And if it is, like that's great. But if it's not, it's kind of like, okay. And then it ends. Right. So I think just being aware of like what where can you still celebrate the wins of your single friends, whether this is work or again, their hobbies, are they traveling? ⁓ but it again, it it is both ways. We can also do that for our married friends because I know that my friends, their identities are not their children. I knew them before they had children. And I know that they have hopes and dreams and goals that they still want to accomplish. What are they trying to do in their marriage and in their personal life? My friend's identity is not a wife only. Yeah. And so I try to be conscious of that as well. It it fits the mold for all of them. And I know this is about singleness, but it it can go both ways. speaker-2: Mm-hmm. speaker-5: of the Galantine movement ⁓ for girls single and married to get together and just have that time of celebration. speaker-1: Yeah. Celebrate each other, right? And the relationship that you have there. Those special relationships. speaker-2: I was gonna add on that Cherokee said something about celebrating. There's a lot of times that single people don't get celebrated. We don't have a bachelorette. We don't have don't have a wedding yet. We don't have a baby shower. And so for single women, we really try, or single people in general, we really try to celebrate something big in our life. And I sometimes it's not accepted the same way as like, well, I was there for you at your bachelorette party. I was there at your wedding. I was there for your baby shower. You know, like all these things I'm like, we just kind of want to be celebrated in some way because we don't have the traditional celebrations. So that would be my biggest thing. speaker-0: Yeah, that's speaker-1: Yeah, I can I can remember when ⁓ Caitlin's friend was being honored for being with her company ten years and and Katie got to go up or Katie and Caitlin, Katie her friend, who was being honored. Caitlin went up there with her to to be honored in Dallas. And I thought, you know what? How many people would take the time off work and go and celebrate a tenure at a work? And I just thought that was very special. So that's a good word for us as married people to remember that there's other ways to celebrate, not just big life events, but through work and hobbies and travel, there's other ways to celebrate people. Yeah. No speaker-2: Yeah. speaker-0: that y'all are all Christians, that's not a secret. And knowing that you're all ⁓ heavily involved in your churches, how do you think your faith has shown out in your singleness? Well it speaker-2: The thing that's the most important. It's, you know, you can have all these amazing great qualities. You can be so good looking. You, you know, da da da da da. But if you're not a Christian, it's like, well, see you later. Nice knowing you. That's what I would say. I heard another podcast. So a lady who had been single for years. She got married in her late 30s. And she said that a lot of people say my expectations are too high. ⁓ I have too high of standards and I'm, you know, I'm getting older. I'm not able to find anyone. I'll just lower. No, never lower your standards. Never. Because it says in the Bible that God gives you the desires of your heart. And if you're seeking a Christian relationship, then you need to put it all in. You need to keep those standards high. Don't settle. And God will honor that. speaker-1: Yeah. I think sometimes this is what I've seen with Caitlin is that just because they say they're Christian doesn't mean they have the same values as you ladies do. Have y'all found that to be the case? And what do you do in those situations? speaker-4: That I mean, anybody can put Christian in their bio or say they're Christian or wear a heart necklace, which I know is something that me and mom have talked about for I mean, even since high school. And it really just makes you a little not weary, but I mean, you know, your Bible calls you to guard guard your heart and still have those conversations and see how conversations like that go. ⁓ and if they are a follower of Christ, I mean it'll show in your conversations. And if they just have Christian in their bio, that will also show in your conversations. speaker-1: Or Christian as their name, right, Shelley? speaker-5: Just a reminder, when I did a search on AOL when I was single, only three Christians came up and one of ⁓ was named Christian and he was gay. speaker-2: So speaker-1: So do when y'all this is just a kind of a tactical question. When you go out to eat by yourself, do you feel like people stare at you like poor person? Or do you go out to eat by yourself? speaker-4: So I don't know if it's just that I don't notice or I don't care. but I mean, even when I travel, I mean I'm alone. It's kinda normal. I would say maybe it's harder back home because it's like I'm just leaving my house. ⁓ but I feel like it's also kind of fun. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-2: Yeah. So awkward. It g you mean you kinda get a little awkward, but then you're able to like meet new people. Yeah. And mostly their families. But but yeah, you get to meet new people and and find out things that you probably wouldn't have been able to find out before. speaker-1: You met Dave, Debbie and their three kids. speaker-2: Sitting right behind me in the booth. speaker-5: I actually prefer going to a movie by myself. That never has bothered me. So w with your singleness, what opportunities have you had because you were single that might have been difficult otherwise as far as your faith or just life in general? speaker-2: The amount of ways I've been able to serve in through different organizations in church, the mission trips I've been able to go on, the things that I really do look back and I'm like, this would have never happened if I was married and and married with kids. God has put me in so many amazing situations that I can just be like, there's no way not to see the hand of God in that. And and just I don't know, just being able to Use your time wisely, and use your singleness wisely. speaker-1: It's your journey, right? That God has you on. Yeah. speaker-3: I think about all the times that I will just like pick up and stay at a friend's house. Just because it's easier, right? Like it's like I a lot of them have guest rooms and so it's like going to visit them. And not that I don't think that that would be impossible to do if I was married. Maybe a little bit harder if I had kids, but I think it's just I can choose how I spend my time and not have to worry about somebody else right now. And I do, you know, you want to get to a place where like I mean, if you love somebody, like you're like you're willing to do make sacrifices and and adjust in different life seasons, right? But just being able to be like, ⁓ yep, I'll show up, show up at your house, I'll show you know, I'll I'll go on this vacation and I don't have to tell somebody. Like I can just go. ⁓ I do the you tell somebody. speaker-1: Do. No, I have to. I have to ask somebody. speaker-3: Correct. Yes. Yeah. And again, nothing is wrong with that. I think there's that's the season for it, right? But it's like that just and I don't feel bad for it, right? Of like, ⁓ my gosh, like if I was at a friend's house all the time and I had a boyfriend or a spouse, like I'm like, Well dang, I can't leave them. Like and I wouldn't w want to all the time. So it's just nice to like really leaning into the friendships and the memories like we can make there and then like speaker-1: And that's the beauty. speaker-3: picking up and going traveling. I'm still traveling with somebody, but we're just going and there wasn't like a no, like there's this conflict happening or we can't take off at this time or budget's tight, right? Like I'm also the master of my own money and and that kind of situation too. And I think about okay, is my future spouse hopefully not, but like, is there going to be debt that we have to pay off? I currently don't have that situation. But it's like, is that going to be something in the future that I have to think about where, okay, now we need to start this journey of like, how are we going to get free of that? Like if we get married and that's what's brought in, right? Or maybe there's limitations with like where they can go or family situations or whatever whatever the case may be. So it's been nice to just kind of be super free to speaker-1: That's a good point, Cherokee, because as a single person, I brought a lot of debt into my marriage. I brought all my college debt and thank goodness he was okay with having to help me pay it off. But that is a very good point. You know, you may be free of debt right now as a single, but that next person that comes into your life may not be. Do you think it will be tough when you do find that person, you know, when God brings that person into your life, to stop going when you want to and to have to not answer to somebody with your finances, but collaborate or partner with them. And sometimes to have to say no, I can't do that. When you're used to being able to say yes, yes, I can do that. Or sometimes you have to say yes when you don't want to. I speaker-4: actually talked to my friends about that. How because I mean I've talked to my friends about how like what Cherokee was saying, how I mean we can just get up and go and do whatever. And I've told my friends that that was a worry of when do I have to start communicating that with somebody else and like kind of planning around another person. And any friend of mine that's in a relationship has told me the same thing is when it's the right person, you want to do more with them. You want to kind of make it work in your life where you're lives are kind of aligning and your lifestyles are similar. And so I feel like that's kind of not necessarily but it shows, I mean, that you're with the right person. Well speaker-2: Yeah, right. speaker-5: Having gotten married at 31, ⁓ I can attest that the older you are, the harder it is, because the more established you are in your singleness. But as Cherokee said a while back, when you're right with the right person, you're willing to make those changes. And that is very important to your marriage that you do make those changes. speaker-3: I I jokingly tell my friends that like, you know, as the resident single person, like it's all over for them the minute I get a boyfriend. Because I l lovingly say yes to things and say no. And not that they like rely on me on so much, but I I think there is kind of that default of like, ⁓ well, Cherokee, you know, like it's just gonna be Cherokee and it's just gonna be available. She's available. And again, I'm like, Yeah, I'm available. Like I love it. Great. When it the time comes, right? Yeah. Then I say no when it's not. But I think it will be really funny when it's like, okay, yeah, Cherokee's available. Like, okay, here's something. So I go to Galveston, Tiki Island with my friends for the summer. And ever since we've been doing this, everyone's been married. And so they all, you know, they're all in their own rooms and stuff. And there's one room left and it's for me. And it's been great. And I'm like, okay, guys What are we gonna do if things get serious with a guy and and maybe we're not married yet, but like he joins. I'm like, we're gonna have to figure out this sleeping situation because, you know, like we got we got things that we have to consider. Like I'm no longer just like the put me in a room or like this kind of situation. Like it's and they were like speaker-1: Bunk room. Kendall calls it the bunk room. Why do I always get the bunk room? Yeah. You know. speaker-2: Yeah. At least you at least you got a room to yourself. Normally I get a pullout couch and I have one niece here and one niece here and speaker-3: ⁓ I had the nephews this time, so yeah. speaker-1: You're you're you're not at the kids table anymore. All of y'all speaker-2: Who are you talking to? speaker-3: I'm still at the kids' table. speaker-0: Well, before we get going on ⁓ hearing about what your top three characteristics you're looking for in a man when you're ready to start looking for a man, I have to ask, 'cause you know, I'm a jokester and whenever I see y'all, first thing I'll go up it to any of y'all use you know, hey Cherokee, you got your eye on anybody? Does that offend you? 'Cause you gotta know where it's coming from. If it does, I won't do that anymore. speaker-3: Cheryl's been panicking this entire episode after we first said that and she's like, ⁓ that's what I said. ⁓ speaker-0: Yeah. So what's I need to know the truth one by one, Cherokee? speaker-3: Not offended because I know the heart of you asking, Cheryl. And one day I can't wait to answer it something different. And you'd be like, but yeah, exactly. No, I I think it it it comes from the people that you don't have a relationship with. And that again, it just like they can't think of anything else to say. Mm-hmm. And that's honestly at this point, I'm like, that's not an excuse. You know how many like things you can Google with like How do you talk to a person? Right? Like it's there's no excuse to kind of like default to such a surface level question. To an extent. Again, it's like it all depends on your relationship with the person. I know from you guys it's coming from a place of love. Even when my coworkers ask, I'm like, they just want the tea. They just want to know what's up. Like, I don't care. Don't care. But yes. speaker-0: Exactly what I wanna speaker-4: Give it to them if we have it. speaker-3: And then there's other people where you're just like, Why you ask like you don't actually care, nor do I want to tell you. Like, that's not any of your business. So it all just depends. But no, Sheryl, keep it up. You have ⁓ every every quarter. speaker-2: I my mom can attest to this. I am very protective about sharing anything. I don't want everyone to share it too soon. I marinate for a little bit before I say anything. But I'm also like very protective of my family because I don't want my family to meet someone. It's like, we've been dating two weeks. speaker-0: And we go and put ⁓ on Instagram and Facebook. speaker-2: Yeah. Now all of my fa 'cause then my mom goes and tells her sisters and then speaker-1: And then we talk about it on this. speaker-2: And then Shelley does a FBI deep dive and finds out your lives. Your Facebook friends. And by week three, I'm like, I no, this guy's crazy. No. speaker-0: Shelley can do that. Three of your past boyfriends we're still like on Facebook. speaker-2: You told me one time you were like, ⁓ so and so is engaged. I was like, Good for him. speaker-0: Good Yeah, and that other one, you you did good bye. speaker-1: Hey Cheryl, one thing that I always tell and Caitlin and I always talk about this, but there's something worse than being single, and that's marrying the wrong person. Absolutely. Yeah. And so, you know what? I would rather these girls stay single and find the right guy. Yes. And then when the time's right, they know it, we know it, and it's a big old rouse party. speaker-2: will say is that all throughout high school it was like you don't need a date no like you don't need a date you don't need a date and then you get to a certain age and they're like well why aren't you out there dating it's like ⁓ my gosh you told me all throughout high school probably shouldn't date and date mom's like no dating's the way you find out what you like and what you don't like and I'm like this is very counterintuitive to how I grew up. I don't understand this. speaker-1: Asking your mom, who are you? speaker-2: Yeah, yeah. But like it is true. You gotta put yourself out there. And that's a very, very vulnerable thing. Because you're like, the moment I go on a first date with this person, like, ⁓ my gosh, what if I don't like them? What if I do like them? I don't like confrontation. So I'm like, do I just change my phone number? ⁓ I like speaker-1: Welcome. Welcome. Most of them. Where do you think you're most likely to meet that person? speaker-2: That's a good question, Stacey. We would like to know. speaker-1: Home Depot. That's a good question for our listeners. Where would be a good place to meet people? I mean, we know church, but they're all in church. So speaker-2: Yeah. speaker-5: We have had so much fun with these girls that we are extending it into a part two. So next week episode twenty five will be part two of challenges and blessings of being single with our twenties and thirty year olds. Until then, life is messy, meaningful, and better when shared. Thanks for listening. Like speaker-3: S comment speaker-2: Subscribe. speaker-0: And shit! speaker-2: Shit. speaker-3: Yeah, sorry. speaker-0: Bye, mother, my daughter. speaker-5: Bye.