Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1048 - Raising an Olympian

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#1048 - Raising an Olympian · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: time poor parent. They just once answers, mew, how good
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  Speaker 1: are the Olympic Games?
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  Speaker 2: One week to go?
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  Speaker 1: One week left of watching athletic elite performance. Stunning stuff
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  Speaker 1: that we get to see.
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  Speaker 2: And you know, Kylie, my favorite thing. That's my favorite thing.
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  Speaker 1: But one of my favorite things to watch is the
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  Speaker 1: concentration on the faces of the parents who are watching.
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  Speaker 2: Their children compete at these games.
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  Speaker 3: There's so many different emotions crossing their faces. You can
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  Speaker 3: see it, the agony of anticipation, the joy and elation
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  Speaker 3: when they get it right. But you're watching some parents
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  Speaker 3: literally go through the moves with their kids as they're
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  Speaker 3: sitting in their seats.
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  Speaker 2: It's like they're in a roller coaster ride.
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  Speaker 1: I'm watching the parents to them moves instead of the athlete.
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  Speaker 2: Instead.
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  Speaker 1: Some of the especially it's all over social media, is well,
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  Speaker 1: parents are micd up.
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  Speaker 2: They're sort of living it with them. And there's one
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  Speaker 2: that I.
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  Speaker 1: Found that I just love. This is actually a slightly
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  Speaker 1: older one, but it just did it so well. I
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  Speaker 1: want to play it because most of them don't have
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  Speaker 1: particularly useful audio, but this just gives you a sense
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  Speaker 1: of what's going on. This is for a United States
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  Speaker 1: gymnast called Alexander Raisman and her parents. Oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 1: like their whole body's contaorting as this happens. So you
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  Speaker 1: can hear M'm in the background, cattail house, doan, let's go.
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  Speaker 2: Meantime. Meantime, Dad's leaning back. The look on his.
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  Speaker 3: Face, this concentration, it's like they're actually they're doing it.
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  Speaker 3: Lead to the left, go to the right.
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  Speaker 2: Dad. Suddenly he thinks, so far, catch it. He's so far,
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  Speaker 2: he's out of picture. Stand that. Yeah, they're out of
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  Speaker 2: the seats.
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  Speaker 1: I just love it, I think, ah, I love the.
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  Speaker 2: The brilliance of it.
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  Speaker 1: It's so aspirational, it's so exciting. And when they have
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  Speaker 1: those breakthrough moments, personal bests or win gold. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: it's I think sometimes it's more entertaining. I don't usually
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  Speaker 1: know what I'm watching anyway, especially with the gymnastics for example,
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  Speaker 1: but the parents, Oh my goodness, they're so into it.
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  Speaker 1: So today's podcast is all about what do we do
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  Speaker 1: how do we help our children to become Olympic athletes?
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  Speaker 1: And that's what I want to talk about today. How
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  Speaker 1: do we get our kids to the Olympics.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I could just say we're not doing a particularly
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  Speaker 3: good job.
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  Speaker 2: If that is your goal, you know.
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  Speaker 1: We should have contact. I've got a couple of former
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  Speaker 1: Australian Olympians in my telephone. Would have been fun to
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  Speaker 1: talk to them. They're a little busy right now with
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  Speaker 1: this Olympic Games thing happening. It's not for everyone, but
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  Speaker 1: I did want to ask this question. I think it's
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  Speaker 1: a more helpful and potentially more healthy question, and that is,
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  Speaker 1: how can we cultivate an elite level of performance and
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  Speaker 1: also raise our kids to have perspective and to be
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  Speaker 1: healthy and to be I'm going to use the word
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  Speaker 1: in tact, to be intact, and maybe not even an
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  Speaker 1: elite level of performance, because not all of us are
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  Speaker 1: going for that. But if our kids really do want
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  Speaker 1: to succeed and excel in sport, this is not us,
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  Speaker 1: this is them. How do we help them to do
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  Speaker 1: that in a way that's healthy for them and for us.
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  Speaker 3: This is a really tricky question because watching from the
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  Speaker 3: sidelines so many times, I just see these kids being
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  Speaker 3: kind of driven from pillar to post in an effort
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  Speaker 3: to excel, But at the expense of I want to
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  Speaker 3: say their lives because there's no balance in their lives.
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  Speaker 3: It all becomes about that one thing, and the whole
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  Speaker 3: family has to be, you know, kind of involved in
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  Speaker 3: supporting that one child.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, when we look at what research shows about young
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  Speaker 1: kids in competition, I think that the message from data
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  Speaker 1: is pretty clear. Don't get them involved in competition, and
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  Speaker 1: if you do, minimize the competitive elements of the activity.
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  Speaker 1: Until they're somewhere around about twelve. It doesn't seem that
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  Speaker 1: cognitively kids grasp what competition is, how it works, and
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  Speaker 1: what it means, and too many of them internalize the
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  Speaker 1: idea that they're a winner or a loser based on
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  Speaker 1: what's going on in those early years. In fact, I
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  Speaker 1: probably shouldn't say this, but I'm getting out of my
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  Speaker 1: skis and saying it anyway. I just did a recording
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  Speaker 1: with The Wiggles for their Wiggles podcast, and we talked
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  Speaker 1: about whether we should be getting young kids involved in
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  Speaker 1: these organized sports and things, and the short answer is
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  Speaker 1: probably not no. Even as we get to older kids. Though,
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  Speaker 1: a twenty twenty four report from the American Academy of
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  Speaker 1: Pediatrics showed that seventy percent that's seven zero seventy percent
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  Speaker 1: of young athletes are experiencing burnout in the United States.
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  Speaker 1: That's a huge number, and what it tells me is
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  Speaker 1: that we've lost perspective on what sport's about. We're focusing
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  Speaker 1: on the wrong stuff, and young people are bearing the
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  Speaker 1: brunt of that. They're bearing the consequences of that. So
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  Speaker 1: maybe it's worth talking about what the purpose of sport is.
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  Speaker 3: When I think of the purpose of sport, for me,
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  Speaker 3: it's about providing my children with a physical outlet, right,
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  Speaker 3: and also encouraging more social connections. Yeah, they're the things
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  Speaker 3: that really stand out to me.
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  Speaker 1: My list's a little longer, So in addition to the
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  Speaker 1: social relational aspect and the physical health and movement aspect,
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  Speaker 1: I'm looking at competence or progress or mastery because there's
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  Speaker 1: something really motivating and delightful about having that mastery experience.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm also looking at the central ingredient I think
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  Speaker 1: the most important of all, and that's fun. Like, if
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  Speaker 1: the kids are going to be involved in an activity,
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  Speaker 1: let's make sure they really enjoy it, they get something
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  Speaker 1: out of it, they find delight in it. If the
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  Speaker 1: joy is there, then the rest of it will take
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  Speaker 1: care of itself.
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  Speaker 3: I guess for me, that's the given. Like, if they're
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  Speaker 3: using their bodies and they're making great connections and it
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  Speaker 3: is fun, it becomes fun.
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  Speaker 1: So there's also cognitive benefits. Unfortunately, my sense is that
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  Speaker 1: especially when we watch the games, then.
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  Speaker 2: We get really motivated. We're like, come on, kids, you
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  Speaker 2: can do it.
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  Speaker 1: You can become an Olympian as well, and we sort
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  Speaker 1: of lose perspective. And when we lose perspective, we start
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  Speaker 1: to focus on other things like prestige and wealth, merchandise
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  Speaker 1: with our kids' names on it, or even if we
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  Speaker 1: pull it right back to the primary school, seeing our
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  Speaker 1: child win the sports Star of the Year award at
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  Speaker 1: the end of the year on assembly, those kinds of things,
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  Speaker 1: and all this ties in with this idea of potential, potential, potential,
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  Speaker 1: our perspective shifts and all of a sudden, because our
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  Speaker 1: child is great, we start to attack.
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  Speaker 2: The referee or abuse the referee, or we.
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  Speaker 1: Go really hardcore at the coach, or we become the coach.
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  Speaker 1: We have to coach our child because only we can
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  Speaker 1: help them to realize their potential.
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  Speaker 3: Oh, we write our kids harder because our identity is
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  Speaker 3: all locked up in whether or not they succeed.
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  Speaker 1: Right, big examples of that massive ones. I'm thinking of
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  Speaker 1: Tiger Woods and his dad. I'm thinking of Elena Dockitch
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  Speaker 1: and her dad. There's some, I guess there's some slightly
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  Speaker 1: unhealthy examples.
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  Speaker 3: I recently watched the movie King Richard Oh, the Williams Sisters,
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  Speaker 3: and and again, just you can see both sides of
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  Speaker 3: the equation. But here's a dad who wants to get
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  Speaker 3: his children out of the slums where they've lived and
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  Speaker 3: move up in the world and becomes something more than
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  Speaker 3: what he experienced, and so his driving force.
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  Speaker 1: Initially, the motivations are good, it's so good, yeah, yeah, ye.
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  Speaker 3: But it becomes it almost becomes an obsession.
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  Speaker 1: So I think, I think this is the critical thing. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: parental investment, bear with me. I just I've had an
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  Speaker 1: analogy spring to mind. I don't know if it's going
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  Speaker 1: to work or not, but let me try it. Parana
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  Speaker 1: investments Like a Louis Vuton bag. The price of the
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  Speaker 1: bag outstrips the pace of inflation, so there's already premium
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  Speaker 1: on it, but it keeps going up faster than inflation
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  Speaker 1: goes up, which makes luxury item. And I think that
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  Speaker 1: parents desire for their children to do well can sometimes
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  Speaker 1: outstrip the child's desire, and unfortunately, as a result of that,
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  Speaker 1: it ends up controlling it. It ends up either sometimes
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  Speaker 1: it might reinforce it, and that could be a healthy thing,
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  Speaker 1: but it might also control it. And that that's the
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  Speaker 1: key word. That's when it becomes un healthy, because you.
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  Speaker 3: See it, these kids have got this either a natural
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  Speaker 3: ability or a burning desire, those two things. And as
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  Speaker 3: they continue to build on that and gain success, and
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  Speaker 3: you know, their motivation grows, so do their parents.
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  Speaker 1: So then the parent becomes the coach and the nutritionists
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  Speaker 1: and the chauffeur and the psychologist and the sleep therapist,
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  Speaker 1: and it overwhelms the family in some cases. A couple
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  Speaker 1: of weeks ago on the podcast, we talked about early
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  Speaker 1: talent identification programs and had a really great chat about that.
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  Speaker 1: We will link to it in the show notes because
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  Speaker 1: I think that there's real value in that and just
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  Speaker 1: this professionalization of kids sports. I have four ideas, four
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  Speaker 1: ideas to help your children to be engaged in their
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  Speaker 1: athletic and competitive pursuits in healthy ways, which may or
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  Speaker 1: may not get them to the Olympics. It really depends
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  Speaker 1: on them, and that's the key thing.
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  Speaker 3: Number one.
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  Speaker 1: Number one, examine your motivations, examine their motivations. Ideally, they'll
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  Speaker 1: be intrinsic motivations. So it's not going to be about
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  Speaker 1: the prestige. It's not going to be about the trophy
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  Speaker 1: or the award. It's not going to be about the
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  Speaker 1: potential endorsements or getting that pro contract. It's going to
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  Speaker 1: be about joy and delight and development progress and love,
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  Speaker 1: your love for them, their love for you, and their
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  Speaker 1: love for the game. And I think there's a part
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  Speaker 1: be of this. When we're focusing on or examining motivations,
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  Speaker 1: what we really need to do is focus on our
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  Speaker 1: children's goals.
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  Speaker 3: A couple of months ago, Emily came to us and
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  Speaker 3: said she wanted to play the drums. We've already been
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  Speaker 3: through the violin, We've done the recorder and the piano
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  Speaker 3: and the piano, and now it's the drums. So we've
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  Speaker 3: kind of just left it sitting there for a handful
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  Speaker 3: of months, just seeing where she sits with it. Well,
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  Speaker 3: she kept coming back to us, and so finally we
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  Speaker 3: took her to her first drum lesson the other day.
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  Speaker 3: My goodness, I wish I had my phone with me
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  Speaker 3: to record just the elation on her face when she
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  Speaker 3: got to show me her first drum role.
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  Speaker 1: Now and now I know that she will be a
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  Speaker 1: better drummer than Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters, Like
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  Speaker 1: she's going to.
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  Speaker 2: Be an Olympic level. If they had Olympics for drumming,
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  Speaker 2: she'd win gold. And we're going to push her.
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  Speaker 1: No, just kidding the folks on the child's goals is literally,
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  Speaker 1: you take the lead. We're here to support, and that
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  Speaker 1: might mean that they will quit things. And some parents say, well,
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to invest, and I don't want to
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  Speaker 1: do it because number one is the money. But I
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  Speaker 1: want my kids to be resilient and not quit stuff.
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  Speaker 1: And my response to that has become, in the last
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  Speaker 1: little while, you've quit more things in your life than
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  Speaker 1: you've stuck to as an adult, you've quit many, many,
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  Speaker 1: many more things than you've stuck to.
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  Speaker 3: But how many miserable adults would we have out there
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  Speaker 3: if we started something and then felt like.
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  Speaker 2: We've got to finish it.
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  Speaker 3: We've got to finish it.
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  Speaker 1: And you don't finish piano, or you don't finish gymnastics
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  Speaker 1: or swimming. You ideally fall in love with it and
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  Speaker 1: it becomes a lifelong passion and delight. Number two, consider
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  Speaker 1: the environment. You look at the coach, you look at
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  Speaker 1: the team, you look at the focus.
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  Speaker 2: See above.
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  Speaker 1: I was talking before about the professionalization of children's sports.
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  Speaker 1: That's what I'm talking about with number two. Number three,
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  Speaker 1: Teach kids to sit with hard feelings. No matter what
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  Speaker 1: sport they engage in, no matter what they decide to do,
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  Speaker 1: there will be times when it is tough. I talked
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  Speaker 1: with the Wiggles about this thing that I don't know
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  Speaker 1: if it exists or not. I should google it and
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  Speaker 1: find out. I'm calling it the competence curve. When your
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  Speaker 1: kids start something, there's this really fast progress, really quick acceleration.
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  Speaker 1: It's like, oh, oh, I can do this. Like Emily
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  Speaker 1: with the drums. She's showing us a drum pattern that
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  Speaker 1: she learned on day one, and she feels really competent.
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  Speaker 1: But somewhere between I'm going to say six and ten
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  Speaker 1: weeks in, the kids kind of hit a wall. They're like, Okay,
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  Speaker 1: I've learned all the easy stuff. Now I have to
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  Speaker 1: do some work. And that's where the competence curve kind
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  Speaker 1: of plateaus. If we can help help our children to
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  Speaker 1: sit with the hard, difficult feelings. They will do better
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  Speaker 1: and they will be ongoing spurts of progress and then
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  Speaker 1: moments where we plateau or drop off. And before the
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  Speaker 1: most important of all, separate your child's performance at whatever
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  Speaker 1: it is that they're doing from the love that you
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  Speaker 1: have for your child. They need to hear, regardless of
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: the outcome.
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  Speaker 2: Hey, I love you. I love you no matter what.
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  Speaker 3: I honestly think that every parent thinks they're doing that.
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  Speaker 1: It's about saying it. Because when you dive in with
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: the coaching, when you start to push, when you say
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: next week you've got to use your body more.
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  Speaker 2: Next week, you've got to get in front and run
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  Speaker 2: towards the ball.
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  Speaker 3: Next So in Dad's mind, that's his way of saying
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  Speaker 3: I love you, I want you to do well. That's right.
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  Speaker 1: And this is not bagging out Mum or dad for
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: trying to step into that role. This is about saying,
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  Speaker 1: let your child take the lead. What matters is are
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: you having fun? I just love watching you play. I
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  Speaker 1: don't care whether you win or lose. I don't care
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  Speaker 1: whether you play the game or whether you quit. I
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  Speaker 1: don't care whether you're trying your hardest, or you're just
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  Speaker 1: out there taking up space on the field because that's
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  Speaker 1: all you had today.
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  Speaker 2: Doesn't bother me.
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  Speaker 1: What I want to see is that you're loving it,
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  Speaker 1: and that I get to see you enjoying what we're doing.
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  Speaker 1: That unconditionality around it is what is going to drive
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  Speaker 1: motivation more than anything else. And get them to the Olympics,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: I mean, and help them to live a life where
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: they have a high level of performance ideally but not necessarily.
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  Speaker 3: What year are we making it to the Olympics, honey.
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  Speaker 2: And remain intact.
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  Speaker 1: We hope this is giving you some inspo when it
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: comes to Saturday sport or whatever it is that your
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: kids are up to. Thanks so much for listening to
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast. We love making it for you.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: We know you could choose to spend your time with
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: anyone else doing anything else, and you've chosen us. Means
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: a lot to us enjoy the last week, the very
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: last week of the Olympic Games. I just I really inspired.
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  Speaker 1: It's made me want to ride my bike fast. It's
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: made me want to do more surfing. Like I just,
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  Speaker 1: I'm feeling athletic.
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  Speaker 2: Kylie, are you feeling it? Are you feeling athletic? Think
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  Speaker 2: about it a little laer. I'm going to take that
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  Speaker 2: as a not really, not really. Oh my goodness.
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  Speaker 1: I tell you, If the Olympics doesn't get you inspired
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  Speaker 1: to get out and move your body, I don't know
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  Speaker 1: what will well.
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  Speaker 3: I will say that I've cleaned my house with a
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: lot more energy.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: This week and it looks great gold gold metal performance,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: brilliant stuff. That Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: Rowland from Bridge Media. Thank you, Jr. For the fabulous
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: work that you do. We just appreciate you so very much.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: If you'd like more information about making your family happier
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: and helping your children through those tough times, please check
• 14:46
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• 14:50
  Speaker 1: it's super practical with activities for you, but also content
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: for your kids to help them with the hard times.
• 14:57
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• 15:01
  Speaker 1: membership is online at happy families dot com dot a