Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / Why Good Managers Avoid Giving Real Feedback
Transcript
- Lucas: Let's talk about the silence. Not the kind that happens when a project stalls or a deal falls through, but the quiet that settles over a one-on-one meeting when real feedback should be happening. I recently spoke with a senior HR director at a mid-sized software firm who described a situation that is surprisingly common yet rarely discussed openly. A high-potential engineer, let's call him David, had been given vague praise for six months straight while his code quality and collaboration issues were quietly noted in private emails. Luna: That sounds like a ticking time bomb. Did David ever realize something was wrong? Lucas: He didn't, because his manager, Sarah, was trying to be supportive. She believed she was creating a psychologically safe space by avoiding harsh criticism until the annual review. But in doing so, she left David completely blind-sided when he was passed over for promotion. He thought he was on track. The reality was he was being managed out of that trajectory without anyone telling him why. Luna: So Sarah thought she was protecting him, but she actually harmed his career trajectory. Lucas: Exactly. And here is the twist: Sarah wasn't a bad manager. In fact, she was rated highly for empathy and team cohesion. She just confused kindness with clarity. We often think of bad management as shouting or micromanaging, but avoidance is arguably more damaging because it robs employees of their agency to change course. You cannot fix what you do not know is broken. Luna: It’s almost like they’re afraid of causing discomfort, so they prioritize short-term harmony over long-term growth. Lucas: Precisely. Research from Harvard Business Review suggests that most managers delay negative feedback by an average of four to six weeks. That might not sound like much, but in a fast-moving industry, six weeks can mean three missed deadlines or two failed sprints. When we talk about managing up, we usually focus on how employees can navigate a difficult boss. But today, I want to look at the other side: what happens when the boss is too nice to tell you the truth. Luna: Because if you don’t know you’re struggling, you stop trying to improve. Lucas: Right. And you start making bigger mistakes. David kept writing code in a style that the rest of the team found hard to read because no one corrected him. He thought he was following best practices. Meanwhile, his peers were adapting to new standards. By the time the review happened, the gap was so wide that a simple conversation couldn’t bridge it. It became a termination discussion instead of a coaching moment. Luna: That’s tragic. It feels like the manager failed both David and the team. Lucas: It did. And it highlights a structural problem in many modern workplaces. We’ve spent years teaching leaders to be empathetic, which is crucial. But we haven’t adequately taught them that empathy without candor is just pity. Pity doesn’t help anyone grow. Candor, delivered with respect, does. The issue is that most people are wired to avoid conflict. Even well-meaning managers will choose the path of least resistance, which is saying nothing until it’s absolutely unavoidable. Luna: So how do we distinguish between a manager who is genuinely supportive and one who is just avoiding conflict? Lucas: That is the million-dollar question. One signal is specificity. If your manager gives you feedback that is always general—good job, keep it up, nice work—that is a red flag. Specific feedback includes details about what worked and what didn’t. Another signal is frequency. Supportive managers give small corrections in real-time. Avoidant managers save everything for formal reviews. If you go three months without hearing anything specific about your performance, assume there is a problem, even if things feel calm. Luna: It’s like assuming the water is boiling because it’s silent, not because it’s cold. Lucas: A perfect analogy. Silence is often just pressure building up somewhere else. Now, this brings us to a practical point for our listeners. If you suspect your manager is avoiding giving you real feedback, what do you do? Do you confront them? Do you wait it out? Or do you seek feedback elsewhere? Luna: I’d say seeking feedback elsewhere is risky because it can undermine your manager. Confronting them directly might make things awkward. So maybe there is a middle ground. Lucas: There is. And it starts with changing the framing of your one-on-ones. Instead of asking 'How am I doing?', which invites a polite summary, ask 'What is one thing I could have done differently on that last project?' This forces the manager to engage with specific behaviors rather than general impressions. It makes it harder for them to hide behind vagueness because they have to think of a concrete example. Luna: That shifts the burden onto them to be precise, which is smart. Lucas: It does. And it also signals that you value growth over comfort. Most managers appreciate an employee who pushes for clarity. It shows you are engaged. However, you have to be prepared for the answer. If your manager finally tells you something negative, you must not get defensive. That is the test. If you argue, they will retreat again. If you listen and ask for resources to improve, they will likely become more open in the future. Luna: Because it proves you can handle the truth without breaking. Lucas: Exactly. Resilience is built through these small, uncomfortable moments. Let me pause here for a second. If we've helped you think through a career move or decision, a couple of dollars a month is genuinely what keeps these going — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That is F. E. X. I. N. G. O. It really makes a difference in keeping this network ad-free and independent. Luna: Yeah, it helps us keep digging into these nuanced workplace dynamics that don't always make the headlines. Lucas: Thanks for that. Now, back to the dynamic. We’ve talked about what the employee can do. But what about the manager? How does a good manager overcome their own fear of conflict? It’s easy for us to criticize Sarah from the outside, but inside the office, those conversations feel heavy. What tools can they use? Luna: Maybe they need to practice with lower-stakes situations first. Like giving feedback on a presentation slide rather than a major career error. Lucas: That is a great tactical suggestion. Building the muscle memory for correction is essential. Some companies are now implementing structured feedback frameworks where managers are required to document both positive and developmental points every quarter. This removes the ambiguity. It becomes a process, not a personality test. When it’s part of the workflow, it feels less like a personal attack and more like a professional obligation. Luna: Structure reduces anxiety. That makes sense. Lucas: It does. And it protects everyone. For the employee, it means they know what is expected. For the manager, it means they have a record of their support. It creates a shared language. Without that structure, we rely on memory and mood, which are terrible bases for career decisions. Luna: I wonder if this also ties into how we view failure in the workplace. If failure is punished, then feedback feels like punishment. Lucas: That is a critical insight. In cultures where mistakes lead to blame, feedback is synonymous with danger. In cultures where mistakes lead to learning, feedback is synonymous with support. The manager’s job is to create that learning environment. If you punish the messenger, you ensure that no one ever tells you the truth. David’s story is a classic example of a culture that valued harmony over honesty. Luna: So the solution is to reward the delivery of hard truths, not just the results. Lucas: Yes. Reward the courage it takes to speak up. When a manager gives clear, tough feedback, recognize that effort. When an employee receives it well and acts on it, celebrate that growth. These small reinforcements shift the entire culture over time. It’s not about having a single heroic conversation. It’s about making every conversation a little more honest than the last. Luna: It feels like a slow build, but it prevents those massive explosions later on. Lucas: Absolutely. Think about the cost of that explosion. Replacing an employee like David costs thousands in recruitment and lost productivity. Coaching him would have cost an hour a week. The math is simple, but the emotional labor is hard. That is why we need better training on the soft skills of hard conversations. Luna: Soft skills are actually the hardest skills to master. Lucas: They are. And they are the ones that define leadership. Technical skills get you hired. Emotional intelligence gets you promoted. But only candor keeps you there. If you are listening to this and you feel like you are in the dark about your performance, take the initiative. Ask for the specific feedback you deserve. Don’t wait for your manager to find the courage. Sometimes, they are waiting for you to ask. Luna: Because asking for the truth is the first step to fixing the problem. Lucas: Exactly. And if you are the manager, remember that your empathy is measured by your willingness to be clear, not just your willingness to be nice. Clarity is kindness. Ambiguity is cruelty. We’ll leave you with that thought as you navigate your next one-on-one. Luna: I hope that resonates with everyone tuning in today. Lucas: Thanks for listening. We’ll see you in the next one.