Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Parenting Through Grief & Tragedy [with Robin Bailey]

Transcript

Parenting Through Grief & Tragedy [with Robin Bailey] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Today on
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  Speaker 1: the pod an interview with somebody really special to me,
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  Speaker 1: somebody that I used to work with back when I
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  Speaker 1: was a radio and nowser at Brisbane's B one o five.
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  Speaker 1: I love saying that I feel like it. I feel
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  Speaker 1: like I've still got it. Maybe I'm dreaming, but I
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  Speaker 1: feel like I've still got it. Robin Bailey. Robin Bailey
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  Speaker 1: was doing the afternoon show with Dean Kesby on Brisbane's
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  Speaker 1: B one o five in the early two thousands when
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  Speaker 1: I showed up as the morning's announcer. Jamie Dunn, who
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  Speaker 1: recently passed away, was doing breakfast with Ian Skippon and
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  Speaker 1: Penny Cooper, and I just loved being with some of
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  Speaker 1: these fabulous people, and Robin is one of them. If
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  Speaker 1: you don't know Robin's story, she's had a tumultuous but
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  Speaker 1: highly successful and wonderful radio career. During the last twenty
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  Speaker 1: five years, her husband Tony died by suicide. She married again,
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  Speaker 1: only to lose her second husband to cancer. She's raised
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  Speaker 1: three boys and still maintained her brilliant and award winning
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  Speaker 1: radio show and radio personality and all those kinds of things.
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  Speaker 1: And she's just released an autobiography called Flamingo's Aren't Born Pink,
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  Speaker 1: My family's story of healing, hope and living life in color.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm going to cry just doing the intro.
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  Speaker 1: I read the book over the last few weeks. Loved
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  Speaker 1: reading about my friend and all that she's been through,
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  Speaker 1: in all of her insights and all that she has
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  Speaker 1: to share. And she's been so generous to jump on
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  Speaker 1: the pod and have a chat with me today about love,
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  Speaker 1: about loss and about raising boys. I can't wait for
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  Speaker 1: you to hear this conversation. It's next on the Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families podcast Stay with us. Hello and welcome to a
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  Speaker 1: Happy Family podcast where you get real parenting solutions every
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  Speaker 1: single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. My
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  Speaker 1: name's doc Justin Course. So I'm a dad to six kids,
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  Speaker 1: author of I don't know, like ten or eleven books
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  Speaker 1: or something like that, with the brand new book about
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  Speaker 1: boys coming out soon. You can pre order a book
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  Speaker 1: Toopia dot com dot I you now Today. I'm joined
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  Speaker 1: by Robin Ai, a friend of mine. For the last
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  Speaker 1: twenty five or more years, we have not talked or
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  Speaker 1: been in touch nearly enough, Robin. But it's honestly, it's
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  Speaker 1: such a privilege, such a delight to have you on
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  Speaker 1: the podcast. Thanks for joining me, of course.
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  Speaker 2: And if I close my eyes, I can hear you
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  Speaker 2: saying the time and temperature on.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. We worked together for about a year
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  Speaker 1: in two thousand and two is two thousand and three ish,
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  Speaker 1: somewhere around there, and I used to love spending time
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  Speaker 1: with you and Dean. You were such a great, dynamic,
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  Speaker 1: delightful afternoon duo. And it's a privilege to have you
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  Speaker 1: here today. I want to talk about that time for
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  Speaker 1: just a sec because Kylie and I came over to
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  Speaker 1: your home and we met the family. We spent some
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  Speaker 1: time with you and Tony. He gave me some of
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  Speaker 1: his smart Men products so that I could tried the
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  Speaker 1: shaving cream, and he was really working on that business.
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  Speaker 1: But a short time after that he passed away. He
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  Speaker 1: took his life. Can you talk a bit about that
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  Speaker 1: time and losing Tony, and also can you talk about
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  Speaker 1: how you tell your three young sons that their dad
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  Speaker 1: has died.
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  Speaker 2: Around that time, we were separated under the same roof.
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  Speaker 2: Things had not been going well for a really long time.
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  Speaker 2: His business was a major contributor to the pressure. He
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  Speaker 2: had attempted twice before, but they were never going to
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  Speaker 2: kill him. And we had three kids, and they were nine, twelve,
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  Speaker 2: and fourteen, and they were aware of stuff going on,
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  Speaker 2: so it was really, really, really difficult. And then he
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  Speaker 2: did what he did. He dropped the boys off, Finn,
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  Speaker 2: my eldest, to his school bus, Alumin and Piper to
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  Speaker 2: their primary school, and went and bought a loaf bread
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  Speaker 2: and then went home and gassed himself in his beloved
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  Speaker 2: Mustang which he'd built with a friend and my children.
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  Speaker 2: And it was interesting because I was working. It was
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  Speaker 2: a Monday, the first of September twenty fourteen, and we
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  Speaker 2: had decided to separate on the weekends, so he would
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  Speaker 2: have one weekend and I would have one weekend. And
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  Speaker 2: this was his first weekend of having the boys and
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  Speaker 2: me being away. And I was nearly home and I
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  Speaker 2: got a phone call from one of his five support
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  Speaker 2: people saying they hadn't heard from him and could I
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  Speaker 2: get home, and I said yes, And then I had
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  Speaker 2: another phone call saying it's bad. And so I pulled
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  Speaker 2: up and the garage door was opening. There was smoke,
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  Speaker 2: following out. You know, he was pulled from the car
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  Speaker 2: by one of his friends and CPR and all that
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  Speaker 2: sort of stuff. He was already dead. There was nothing
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  Speaker 2: he could not be brought back. But because of my media,
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  Speaker 2: and this sounds so arrogant, but it really was a
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  Speaker 2: concern that the word would get out and I hadn't
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  Speaker 2: got to my kids. So I organized for the two
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  Speaker 2: younger boys to be picked up before the school bell.
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  Speaker 2: I just was so aware that I had to tell them.
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  Speaker 2: And then I sat them down. And my father died
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  Speaker 2: when I was eleven, of a heart attack and at home,
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  Speaker 2: and my mum woke me, and I remember that like
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  Speaker 2: that of being told. So I knew how profound it
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  Speaker 2: was going to be for them, and so I thought,
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  Speaker 2: I have to do this quickly. So I sat them
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  Speaker 2: down and I said, you know, Dad has died. He's
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  Speaker 2: taken his own life, and or words to that effect
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  Speaker 2: I wrote him in the book. But the boy's reactions,
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  Speaker 2: my youngest didn't really like. He was a bit bewildered,
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  Speaker 2: my middle one got really angry, and my eldest just
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  Speaker 2: was devastated. At nine to twelve and fourteen, how do
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  Speaker 2: you have the what does that mean.
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  Speaker 1: How do you process it, what do you do with it?
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  Speaker 1: Like you kind of just reach out for some normality,
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  Speaker 1: some regular life stuff. I really appreciate you sharing that, Robin.
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  Speaker 1: I would imagine one of those things that no matter
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  Speaker 1: how much time goes by, it sits with you. A
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  Speaker 1: few years later, you're in Africa. You've gone away on
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  Speaker 1: a family trip. It's just you and the three boys
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  Speaker 1: doing some things that are a little bit risky, a
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  Speaker 1: little bitous, but you're having the trip of your life,
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  Speaker 1: and you go into by their choice, the hard rock Cafe. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: talk about that conversation, why you had it and how
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  Speaker 1: it played out.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, so it was only it was the Christmas after
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  Speaker 2: so he bought it, died in the September, and we
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  Speaker 2: hadn't really had the big conversation. So I just sat
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  Speaker 2: them down and I said, you can ask me anything,
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  Speaker 2: and they did. And so I think what I wanted
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  Speaker 2: to do was give them the opportunity to ask the
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  Speaker 2: questions that they were curious about, and they were curious
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  Speaker 2: about a lot and a lot of it was timelines.
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  Speaker 2: And it was also in that time that I realized
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  Speaker 2: how much they actually knew. Like I think as parents.
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  Speaker 2: We try and pretend that we're adulting and they're just
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  Speaker 2: living their life. But they knew their father wasn't in
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  Speaker 2: a good way. They knew that the marriage wasn't great.
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  Speaker 2: They knew and things that I now, if I'd had
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  Speaker 2: my time over, I would have sat them down while
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  Speaker 2: he was alive and filled them in. But you know,
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  Speaker 2: I didn't think they could cope, for they were too young.
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  Speaker 2: Whereas actually they saw it. They saw it and it
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  Speaker 2: didn't make sense, and then this catastrophic thing happened and
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  Speaker 2: it made sense. But then they also had questions about
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  Speaker 2: was that why this happened at this time? Like, is
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  Speaker 2: that why you guys stopped going together to the football trainings?
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  Speaker 2: As a parent? I okay, no, you know, Like so
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  Speaker 2: they were joining Dodds that they needed clarity on and
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  Speaker 2: that's what I was able to give.
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  Speaker 1: Today I'm joined by Robin Bailey. She's raised three boys
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  Speaker 1: and still maintains her brilliant radio show, and she's just
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  Speaker 1: released an autobiography called Flamingo's Aren't Born Pink, My family's
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  Speaker 1: story of healing, hope and living life in color. Because
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  Speaker 1: of our time today, I want to fast forward. You
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  Speaker 1: accidentally meet and fall in love with a guy that
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  Speaker 1: you'd known decades earlier from radio. He was married, You
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  Speaker 1: had no affinity with him, you were an up and comer.
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  Speaker 1: In the end, you guys meet and fall in love
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  Speaker 1: and there's just this beautiful relationship that develops. And during
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  Speaker 1: the course of the relationship, he receives a cancer diagnosis.
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  Speaker 1: It's terminal, and the two of you decide that you're
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  Speaker 1: going to get married in spite of knowing exactly how
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  Speaker 1: this thing's going to end. And the wedding day sounds
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  Speaker 1: like it was bliss and you write as you talk
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  Speaker 1: about this most perfect day, he was quite for a moment,
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  Speaker 1: his fingers trailing through my hair. I just kept thinking,
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  Speaker 1: he said, this memory has to last your lifetime. I'm
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  Speaker 1: not going to lie.
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  Speaker 2: I'm getting weep it now.
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  Speaker 1: I read that, and I just burst into tears. I'm
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  Speaker 1: laying on my bed and I'm stopping going, Oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 1: this guy and this whole scenario, and you know where
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  Speaker 1: this is going, and he knows where this is going,
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  Speaker 1: and he says that to you. Can you talk a
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  Speaker 1: bit about the decision to knowing that your three sons
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  Speaker 1: are going to farewell? A second husband at some point
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  Speaker 1: this is not going to end well. Walk through that
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  Speaker 1: for me just a little.
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  Speaker 2: The marriage part of it was the no brainer, because
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  Speaker 2: the grief was there, like the diagnosis had happened. He
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  Speaker 2: was living with us in Brisbane by then, and there's
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  Speaker 2: a whole story behind that, which if you want to know,
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  Speaker 2: you can read the book.
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  Speaker 1: And it's a great story.
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  Speaker 2: It became imperative and I think the one thing I
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  Speaker 2: really want people to take away from this book, no
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  Speaker 2: matter that the tragic situations that you will read about,
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  Speaker 2: it's got to be love and hope, love and hope,
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  Speaker 2: love and hope. And I think what the marriage did
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  Speaker 2: was become this amazing party and no again, I've got goosebumps,
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  Speaker 2: like it continues to be the greatest weekend of my
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  Speaker 2: life because when you take off everything and the restrictions
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  Speaker 2: around it and just go, we are going to party
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  Speaker 2: and we are going to have the best time, all
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  Speaker 2: of us, his kids, my kids, our friends for this week.
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  Speaker 2: And it coincided with my fiftieth so we had a
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  Speaker 2: birthday celebration on the Friday and got married on the Saturday,
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  Speaker 2: and it was huge. It was this great, amazing party.
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  Speaker 2: We had miraccas and tambourines, that people were clapping along
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  Speaker 2: with the music, and you know, we're as we're walking
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  Speaker 2: in and the kids were so much a part of that.
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  Speaker 2: Cancer is terrible, and terminal cancer is awful, and the
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  Speaker 2: last breath in that person is going to be devastating,
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  Speaker 2: but the journey can be full of love and full
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  Speaker 2: of celebration. And it was joyous. It was so fun.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to go through the entire book, so
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to wrap it there. But Robin Flamingo's aren't
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  Speaker 1: born Pink. I would summarize it as follows. This book
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  Speaker 1: is a celebration of the richness of life. There's so
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  Speaker 1: much to be grateful for. At no point did I
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  Speaker 1: read it and feel a poor Robin in spite of
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  Speaker 1: the tragedy. The whole time I was reading, I was thinking,
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  Speaker 1: this is how we're supposed to do it. We're supposed
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  Speaker 1: to We're supposed to love deeply and suffer greatly and
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  Speaker 1: experience the richness that comes from everything that both of
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  Speaker 1: those things entail. And I got so much from it.
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  Speaker 1: If there were one or two things that you would
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  Speaker 1: say to parents who are raising boys themselves, especially in
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  Speaker 1: a climate that's not always kind to parents of boys
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  Speaker 1: or to boys themselves. What would you say?
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  Speaker 2: I would say number one, that male role models are imperative,
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  Speaker 2: really imperative. I write this in the book. And this
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  Speaker 2: was the other piece of advice that stuck me with
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  Speaker 2: me at the head of psychologic the matter said to me,
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  Speaker 2: a child of the same sex suicide parent is ten
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  Speaker 2: times more likely to suicide. Your job is to keep
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  Speaker 2: them alive. So how do I counter this instinctive masculine
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  Speaker 2: thing that has happened to them? To take it off
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  Speaker 2: the table. And my solution for that was to put
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  Speaker 2: good men.
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  Speaker 1: In Yeah, such important advice I hear from parents all
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  Speaker 1: the time. Will say I just don't know how to
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  Speaker 1: find those good men, or there are so many trusty issues,
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  Speaker 1: so many and yet you did it. We could talk
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  Speaker 1: all day and it's been so lovely to catch up
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  Speaker 1: with you. Thank you for thank you for sharing so generously,
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  Speaker 1: Thank you for writing what you've done. The book is
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  Speaker 1: called Flamingo's Aren't Born Pink by Robin Bailey, rob being
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  Speaker 1: a treat to have you.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you, We need to do it again.
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  Speaker 1: The Happy Family podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media Mim Hammond provides our additional research and admin
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: support for MORROWFO. To make you family happy. To check
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: the show notes. You can find everything you need about
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Flamingo's Aren't Born Pink in the show notes. A visit
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot a you