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How can I set Boundaries without Guilt? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

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  SPEAKER_00: So something that is difficult for a lot of people when we talk about boundaries is the guilt that comes from it.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you ever said no to someone, then immediately felt bad about it or set a boundary with your partner and wondered if you were being selfish, you're not alone in that if the answer is yes.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Guilt is actually one of the biggest barriers that we see as counsellors in the process of learning to set healthy boundaries.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: So often guilt develops from our upbringing cultural experiences and expectations or past experiences and expectations that we've had from previous relationships.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us grow up believing that being a good partner means always putting the other person's need first.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: We may have learned that saying no is rude, selfish, or likely to disappoint others.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: As adults, these beliefs can make it difficult to prioritize our own well-being, even when we know a boundary is necessary.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: So counselling skills can help us to understand that there's an important difference between healthy guilt and unnecessary guilt.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy guilt occurs when we've genuinely done something wrong that has harmed someone else and it's a process of starting accountability.
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  SPEAKER_00: Unnecessary guilt happens when we've simply taken care of ourselves or communicated our needs respectfully.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Setting a healthy boundary isn't hurt someone, it's taking responsibility for your own well-being and building capacity.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the things that we can utilise to manage that is self-awareness.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Before reacting to guilty feelings, we take a moment just to ground ourselves and ask, have I actually done something wrong or am I just uncomfortable because I'm doing something differently?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Reflecting on that question can help you recognise whether your guilt is based on facts or on long-standing core beliefs that are underlying and is steeped in pleasing others.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Another useful skill is something that we use in CBT that is challenging unhelpful thoughts.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: For example, you might think if I don't do this, they'll think I don't love them.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: A counsellor might encourage you to reframe that thought by asking, is there evidence for that belief, or can I care about someone while still making time for myself?
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  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is often yes.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: The more that we practice setting boundaries, the more comfortable they become.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling guilty doesn't necessarily mean that you're doing something wrong.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it means that we're breaking old habits and learning healthier ways to care for ourselves, which actually can result in healthier relationships.