Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #408 A Co-Parenting Listener Question
Transcript
- 0:03Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
- 0:07Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
- 0:10Speaker 2: Now, you treat the family home as the nest that
- 0:13Speaker 2: the parents fly away from and return to, and so
- 0:16Speaker 2: therefore the kids have that stability at all times.
- 0:18Speaker 3: The kids don't leave home.
- 0:20Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
- 0:23Speaker 1: and dad.
- 0:24Speaker 3: Hey, did you notice that the floor is really clean?
- 0:27Speaker 3: I've been vacuuming.
- 0:28Speaker 4: It does look very clean.
- 0:30Speaker 2: I've been asking the children for two weeks to vacuum
- 0:32Speaker 2: my office.
- 0:34Speaker 4: They must have just provided you with the space to
- 0:36Speaker 4: realize you.
- 0:36Speaker 2: Could do it for this. Well, it's been done, and
- 0:41Speaker 2: it's really nice. I think that it's probably been I
- 0:42Speaker 2: shouldn't say. It would be embarrassing if I said how
- 0:44Speaker 2: long it's been since my office was vacuumed.
- 0:46Speaker 4: I think it might be a bit embarrassing. Okay, you
- 0:48Speaker 4: did tell everybody.
- 0:49Speaker 3: Let's move on.
- 0:49Speaker 2: My name is doctor Justin Colson on the Oh gosh,
- 0:52Speaker 2: I can't even remember what I am.
- 0:53Speaker 3: You've distracted me. I'm the cleaner around here.
- 0:56Speaker 4: Think well, there's some cleaning that needs to be done
- 0:58Speaker 4: upstairs when you're finished.
- 1:00Speaker 2: Tidy Up Guy, the author of six books about raising
- 1:03Speaker 2: happy families, and the family of.
- 1:04Speaker 3: Them are about cleaning though happy families.
- 1:07Speaker 2: Hey, I talk about chores, happy families dot com dot au,
- 1:10Speaker 2: I talk about chores in my books.
- 1:12Speaker 4: Now you make your kids do well?
- 1:14Speaker 3: Obviously? Do you have a cheurll list?
- 1:16Speaker 2: My chill list is unending. It's like the laundry pile.
- 1:20Speaker 2: It just keeps on getting bigger and bigger and bigger.
- 1:22Speaker 2: When let's not have that conversation, we've got to talk.
- 1:26Speaker 2: So and you're Kylie, you're my wife, mum to have
- 1:28Speaker 2: six kids and a bit of an antagonist.
- 1:30Speaker 3: Today I get the feeling.
- 1:31Speaker 4: Well, I'm not an afterthought.
- 1:33Speaker 2: No, no, no, definitely not. Hey, So every Tuesday we
- 1:38Speaker 2: have an important conversation, we answer a listener question. Uh,
- 1:42Speaker 2: and we have got an absolute doozy today. This is
- 1:44Speaker 2: a really tough one. It's not going to be applicable
- 1:46Speaker 2: to every family, but there are a lot of families,
- 1:50Speaker 2: especially at this time of year, who have to navigate
- 1:53Speaker 2: the fact that they're not constructed how they once were.
- 1:56Speaker 2: There's been a split and this question comes from die.
- 1:59Speaker 4: She said. My ex and I have been amicably separated,
- 2:02Speaker 4: divorced for four years and have share care of our son.
- 2:05Speaker 4: I have him most of the time. My ex husband
- 2:09Speaker 4: has mental illnesses and adult ADHD. His home is filthy,
- 2:13Speaker 4: and he has no boundaries for our son. He acknowledges
- 2:16Speaker 4: he can't break out of the challenging cycle he is in.
- 2:19Speaker 4: But I can only do so much and he only
- 2:21Speaker 4: accepts so much help. There's no real engagement when he's
- 2:24Speaker 4: at his dad's, no accountability, no parenting happening. And I
- 2:28Speaker 4: know it's not coming from a malicious place. It's because
- 2:31Speaker 4: my ex simply cannot do it. He doesn't have the capacity.
- 2:35Speaker 4: How can I work with my ex? Some strategies he
- 2:38Speaker 4: and or I can employ to make sure what needs
- 2:41Speaker 4: to happen.
- 2:42Speaker 2: Does Okay, So not every family that has gone through
- 2:45Speaker 2: a separation is going to be in exactly the same context.
- 2:47Speaker 2: So what I think we should do is just bring
- 2:49Speaker 2: this back a little bit. I mean, it's so tough,
- 2:51Speaker 2: it is so hard, And what I love about this
- 2:53Speaker 2: particular letter is that the relationship's amicable and you can
- 2:56Speaker 2: actually hear our letter writer. You can hear die giving
- 3:00Speaker 2: her ex husband the benefit of the doubt and acknowledging
- 3:03Speaker 2: how he's trying, and the fact that they are. They
- 3:05Speaker 2: do want to be on the same page. They want
- 3:07Speaker 2: to get this right, they want to look after their son.
- 3:09Speaker 2: And this is a really big protective factor, the fact
- 3:11Speaker 2: that both parents, even though they're not living in the
- 3:14Speaker 2: same household, want the best for their kids. But let's
- 3:17Speaker 2: bring this back a little bit, because, like I said,
- 3:19Speaker 2: lots of families are in a similar situation and there's
- 3:22Speaker 2: a separation and well, I guess, how would you say it?
- 3:25Speaker 2: Not not on the same page or not able to
- 3:27Speaker 2: execute the supposedly agreed upon parenting strategy with the same
- 3:32Speaker 2: amount of effectiveness from one household to the next.
- 3:34Speaker 4: Well, that happens in one house though, doesn't it. Yes,
- 3:38Speaker 4: we can have two parents living under the same roof. Yes,
- 3:41Speaker 4: aren't on the same page. So I think that the
- 3:42Speaker 4: things that we talk about can be applicable in many
- 3:45Speaker 4: different situations.
- 3:46Speaker 3: Like trying to work out who should be doing what chores.
- 3:49Speaker 4: Like that acuuming your office, like.
- 3:50Speaker 2: The expectations on children for developmentally appropriate tasks.
- 3:54Speaker 3: Okay, so let's bring this back down. We've got we've
- 3:57Speaker 3: got one house that is so very different. How do
- 4:00Speaker 3: we manage it?
- 4:01Speaker 2: And where does the child find the truth that in
- 4:07Speaker 2: this case a young teenage boy needs like, how do
- 4:11Speaker 2: you co parent? Assuming there's no malice. I think we've
- 4:16Speaker 2: got to look at the foundations first. And what I
- 4:19Speaker 2: really like about this letter, and what I can hear
- 4:21Speaker 2: this in this email, is that we've got two parents
- 4:25Speaker 2: who still have a good relationship even though they're no
- 4:29Speaker 2: longer together, two parents who have a desire to make
- 4:32Speaker 2: it work. And the other thing that came out in
- 4:34Speaker 2: the email is that mum has majority care for her son.
- 4:38Speaker 2: So a few years ago I wrote an article about
- 4:41Speaker 2: what I call the seven seas seven not the seven
- 4:44Speaker 2: seas that you say along, because that would be very funny,
- 4:46Speaker 2: but rather the seven seas of separation and divorce.
- 4:49Speaker 4: But there are seven seeds that you say along.
- 4:51Speaker 2: I don't actually know how many people talk about the
- 4:54Speaker 2: seven seas, but these are seven seeds of separation and divorce.
- 4:57Speaker 3: Even your alliteration, and if you.
- 4:59Speaker 2: Can say along the seven seas, well, I just like
- 5:02Speaker 2: it when things work like that.
- 5:03Speaker 3: So let's go through it to box everything, don't you.
- 5:06Speaker 2: I just in a box seven things that start with
- 5:09Speaker 2: see how hard can it be?
- 5:10Speaker 3: I'll see what I did.
- 5:11Speaker 1: Then.
- 5:11Speaker 2: I'm a poet, and I didn't even realize I could
- 5:14Speaker 2: rhyme like that, so funny. All right, what's your seven seas?
- 5:18Speaker 2: First C is closeness to the extent possible. You're going
- 5:21Speaker 2: to co parent more effectively if you live close by,
- 5:25Speaker 2: Like it's it's just good for the kids to not
- 5:28Speaker 2: have to Well.
- 5:29Speaker 4: They're not going into completely different environments. They're in the
- 5:32Speaker 4: same neighborhood, right, go the same.
- 5:34Speaker 2: Part, extra correcter activities, friends, friends, school, all that sort
- 5:38Speaker 2: of stuff.
- 5:38Speaker 3: Try and stay nearby.
- 5:40Speaker 2: That's the This is one of the foundational things that
- 5:42Speaker 2: I'd be worried about now. Obviously, Die is not asking
- 5:44Speaker 2: about are we living close enough together? It's more about
- 5:46Speaker 2: how do I help my ex to raise our sun
- 5:50Speaker 2: safely and healthily. But these seven seas all tie in
- 5:54Speaker 2: to getting the foundations right, so then we can worry
- 5:56Speaker 2: about the parenting stuff next. So the second of the
- 5:59Speaker 2: seven seas is the Atlantic. I'm just kidding, it's caregiving.
- 6:02Speaker 2: Children and parents do better when parenting is shared. They
- 6:05Speaker 2: actually do. And so if dad is only getting his
- 6:09Speaker 2: son on weekends and holidays and Mum's doing the daily grind,
- 6:14Speaker 2: then dissatisfaction and resentment are going to build. And that's
- 6:17Speaker 2: pretty much what's going on for Die. What we didn't
- 6:19Speaker 2: read that from the email was that fourteen year old
- 6:22Speaker 2: son is staying up all night gaming.
- 6:24Speaker 3: There are no boundaries. It's like Disneyland dad, and so
- 6:28Speaker 3: Sun starts.
- 6:28Speaker 2: To think Mum's no fun and so the relationship there
- 6:31Speaker 2: can be damaged while dad's the party guy who lets
- 6:33Speaker 2: me do whatever I want. So we've got closeness staying nearby, caregiving,
- 6:37Speaker 2: make sure that it's shared. But it's got to that's
- 6:40Speaker 2: where you've got to be able to work together and
- 6:41Speaker 2: get things right. If you can't, we've got to look
- 6:43Speaker 2: at other things. Next, we've got to keep the conflict down.
- 6:45Speaker 2: It sounds like that's happening here, but it's so important
- 6:48Speaker 2: that we speak positively about one another, particularly when we're
- 6:51Speaker 2: talking to the kids. The next sear is change. Kids
- 6:54Speaker 2: don't respond to this kind of change well, it's really
- 6:56Speaker 2: really hard, so they need plenty of transition time. The
- 6:59Speaker 2: next is cash. If one house is swimming in and
- 7:02Speaker 2: the other house is not, which often happens, Unequal living
- 7:06Speaker 2: standards can can really make things awkward. Then we've got communication.
- 7:09Speaker 2: We've got to be able to communicate really well. And
- 7:11Speaker 2: the final seat of separation, divorce is an unfortunate reality,
- 7:13Speaker 2: and that's court and coming up with agreements that are
- 7:16Speaker 2: court mandated so that everyone can be safe. Now, that's
- 7:18Speaker 2: the foundational underpinning for how we move to the next level,
- 7:25Speaker 2: which responds to diees questions around helping a husband who's
- 7:30Speaker 2: not fulfilling his parential obligations to get on the right
- 7:33Speaker 2: page or at least to improve the way's parenting.
- 7:36Speaker 3: We're going to talk about that next.
- 7:38Speaker 1: It's their Happy Famili's podcast.
- 7:40Speaker 4: For a happier family, Try a Happy Families membership, because
- 7:44Speaker 4: a happy family doesn't just happen.
- 7:46Speaker 2: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
- 7:50Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
- 7:53Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now and today we're
- 7:56Speaker 4: hopefully answering die'es questions. She's got a doozy today.
- 8:00Speaker 2: So how do we get both houses operating in sync?
- 8:02Speaker 2: Or how do we help our children to manage when
- 8:04Speaker 2: they don't? Oh, by the way, those seven seeds of
- 8:07Speaker 2: separation and divorce will link to that article in the
- 8:09Speaker 2: show notes so that you can have a much closer
- 8:11Speaker 2: look at that if it's applicable to you.
- 8:13Speaker 3: So when I look at this letter.
- 8:15Speaker 2: As I've already said, the protective factors are there, but
- 8:18Speaker 2: there's also some risk factors, and that's in attention. You
- 8:22Speaker 2: might even say the neglect on Dad's part, and he's
- 8:25Speaker 2: well intended. It's not malicious. He just doesn't seem to
- 8:28Speaker 2: have the capacity to look after himself, let alone look
- 8:32Speaker 2: after his son. And kids need safe, predictable parents and
- 8:38Speaker 2: role models. If your child is in the care of
- 8:42Speaker 2: an adult, that adult has to be able to look
- 8:44Speaker 2: after them. If they can't, we need to have some
- 8:46Speaker 2: really hard conversations, like I don't think there's an easy
- 8:49Speaker 2: way through this, but there are some creative ways through it.
- 8:54Speaker 2: So let's just be really emphatic about a couple of things.
- 8:57Speaker 2: First of all, in life, there are there are optional relationships,
- 9:01Speaker 2: and there are non optional relationships. And the people that
- 9:04Speaker 2: you live with, the people that you're related to, the
- 9:06Speaker 2: people that you come into contact with consistently, mainly for
- 9:10Speaker 2: biological reasons, they're primarily non optional. Now, it's true that
- 9:14Speaker 2: every relationship ultimately is optional, but we know from decades
- 9:19Speaker 2: of research that our kids have got to be connected
- 9:20Speaker 2: to their kids. So I'm going to say that divorced
- 9:23Speaker 2: dad is still a non optional relationship so long as
- 9:26Speaker 2: he's safe, so long as he's non abusive, so long
- 9:28Speaker 2: as the child is not going to be neglected and
- 9:30Speaker 2: harmed by being in this presence. So if that relationship
- 9:33Speaker 2: is non optional, what we've got to do is try
- 9:35Speaker 2: to find ways that a child can have time with
- 9:38Speaker 2: that parent in ways that work for the whole family.
- 9:42Speaker 4: And I guess if you think about what the objective is,
- 9:46Speaker 4: is it so that you can have time out? Is
- 9:49Speaker 4: that why you send your child over to dad's place.
- 9:52Speaker 4: Is it because you want your child to have a
- 9:54Speaker 4: relationship with dad? And if that's the answer, then it's
- 9:58Speaker 4: a totally different comp that we can have ross all
- 10:02Speaker 4: of a sudden, we can actually think outside the box.
- 10:05Speaker 4: I hear so much compassion and what she's saying, there's
- 10:07Speaker 4: an acknowledgment that Dad is really trying, but he just
- 10:11Speaker 4: can't do what we're asking of him.
- 10:13Speaker 3: You know what I'm worried about when I hear that.
- 10:15Speaker 2: Though I know that I want to help die, but
- 10:19Speaker 2: I'm thinking about the pressure that looking after the son
- 10:22Speaker 2: is having on Dad. If he's got these mental health
- 10:25Speaker 2: challenges and he knows he's not measuring up, he knows
- 10:28Speaker 2: he's actually failing and neglecting his son. What's that doing
- 10:31Speaker 2: to him? So I agree with you if it's not
- 10:34Speaker 2: about getting your own respite, and let's face it, it's
- 10:36Speaker 2: nice to have a bit of respite. But if it's
- 10:37Speaker 2: not about that, if it's about building the relationship, what
- 10:40Speaker 2: other ways can we develop the relationship without putting our
- 10:43Speaker 2: sign into a potentially neglectful or even unsafe situation.
- 10:47Speaker 4: I just had a random idea as I was reading
- 10:49Speaker 4: out you know, Die's concerns, and it just kind of
- 10:53Speaker 4: occurred to me that if Dad's not capable of doing it,
- 10:57Speaker 4: and there's this beautiful, amicable relationship, maybe Dad has a
- 11:01Speaker 4: sleepover instead of the son having a sleepover. If there's
- 11:04Speaker 4: a spare room, can Dad come and stay so that
- 11:07Speaker 4: he gets time with his son in a safe environment.
- 11:11Speaker 4: He doesn't have the main responsibility of taking care of
- 11:14Speaker 4: the son, but mom still can kind of take a
- 11:17Speaker 4: breather because she doesn't have to be one percent on.
- 11:22Speaker 2: You know, there's something I read an article a while back,
- 11:25Speaker 2: and I've been looking into this a little bit when
- 11:27Speaker 2: I've talked to families in these situations. I can't remember
- 11:29Speaker 2: exactly what it's called, but it's something it has something
- 11:32Speaker 2: to do with like nested parenting or what it basically
- 11:34Speaker 2: is is you treat the family home as the nest
- 11:37Speaker 2: that the parents fly away from and return to, and
- 11:40Speaker 2: so therefore the kids have that stability at all times.
- 11:43Speaker 2: The kids don't leave home, but the parents swap use
- 11:47Speaker 2: of the home. So maybe mum has the master bedroom
- 11:49Speaker 2: that's always her space, and dad comes in on the
- 11:52Speaker 2: weekends and he stays in the rumpest room or in
- 11:54Speaker 2: the spare room or whatever, and he has the care
- 11:56Speaker 2: of the kids while Mum, well, maybe she's got a
- 11:59Speaker 2: unit house down the road or something like that where
- 12:01Speaker 2: she gets to have her time out, or perhaps she
- 12:03Speaker 2: just lives her life in a different part of the
- 12:05Speaker 2: house when dad's around. Now, Now that takes the relationship
- 12:08Speaker 2: to a whole another level, but that's kind of I
- 12:10Speaker 2: guess that's an extension of what you're talking about.
- 12:13Speaker 4: Yeah, and obviously not going to work for everyone. It
- 12:16Speaker 4: isn't going to work for everyone. Totally understand that.
- 12:19Speaker 2: But just don't want to be x snooping around in
- 12:21Speaker 2: your drawers to find out what you've been up to
- 12:23Speaker 2: while they're not there.
- 12:24Speaker 4: No, but I just I'm listening to her heart and
- 12:28Speaker 4: knowing that, you know, it's so important for her son
- 12:31Speaker 4: to have a relationship with his dad, but there's just
- 12:34Speaker 4: an acknowledgment that he doesn't have the same capacities.
- 12:37Speaker 3: Yeah.
- 12:37Speaker 4: Number one, This means that the rules of the house
- 12:40Speaker 4: remain the rules of the house, where the dad's there
- 12:43Speaker 4: or not. There are certain rules that are are enforced. However,
- 12:47Speaker 4: just like when your kids have a sleepover, you might
- 12:50Speaker 4: relax the rules a little bit. Yeah, okay, you can
- 12:52Speaker 4: do your video games till ten o'clock tonight. We normally
- 12:54Speaker 4: shut everything down by eight thirty or whatever, but dad's
- 12:57Speaker 4: here and you guys can have a play. But it's
- 12:59Speaker 4: not that the rules are being literally obliterated. It's just
- 13:03Speaker 4: an acknowledgement that tonight we can be a little bit
- 13:05Speaker 4: more relaxed about them.
- 13:07Speaker 2: I think, if I was to sum all of this up,
- 13:10Speaker 2: children need a relationship with both biological parents if it's
- 13:15Speaker 2: possible and safe, and safety is the critical thing. If
- 13:18Speaker 2: there's going to be any damage to the child because
- 13:21Speaker 2: of different boundaries or a lack of boundaries.
- 13:23Speaker 4: Or more tension as a result.
- 13:25Speaker 2: Then we need to negotiate and navigate things accordingly, but
- 13:29Speaker 2: I also think it's worth highlighting even though there is
- 13:31Speaker 2: an ideal parenting style, and I'm very clear about that,
- 13:33Speaker 2: and the research is as well, that doesn't mean that
- 13:36Speaker 2: somebody who doesn't quite fit the ideal can't still do
- 13:39Speaker 2: a good enough job raising their kids, especially if they
- 13:42Speaker 2: only have part time occasional care. And I think my
- 13:46Speaker 2: final message would be this could just be a question
- 13:49Speaker 2: of control. Now, if it was only a five year
- 13:51Speaker 2: old or a nine year old, i'd feel differently, but
- 13:53Speaker 2: we're talking about a fourteen year old.
- 13:54Speaker 3: In this situation.
- 13:56Speaker 2: If your kids are younger, we've got genuine issues of neglect,
- 14:00Speaker 2: and therefore appropriate measures need to be taken to keep
- 14:03Speaker 2: kids safe, which might mean restricting dad's access or coming
- 14:06Speaker 2: up with other creative ways for the child to be
- 14:08Speaker 2: involved in dad's life, because we don't want to remove
- 14:10Speaker 2: him entirely. That's going to take a terrible toll on
- 14:13Speaker 2: dad's mental health, and it's bad for the kids. We
- 14:16Speaker 2: want to have them together. We've just got to find
- 14:18Speaker 2: a good way to navigate it. In this case, we've
- 14:20Speaker 2: got a fourteen year old, and I'm actually kind of thinking,
- 14:23Speaker 2: so long as he's not coming home with toxic messages.
- 14:25Speaker 2: As so long as there are some guidelines, some boundaries,
- 14:28Speaker 2: and we know that he's not being harmed, I'm going
- 14:31Speaker 2: to suggest that.
- 14:31Speaker 3: It could also be a question of control when it
- 14:33Speaker 3: comes to older kids.
- 14:34Speaker 4: Well, we touched on this a little bit in yesterday's podcast.
- 14:38Speaker 4: Is this acknowledgement that it can be really really hard
- 14:40Speaker 4: to let go?
- 14:41Speaker 3: Yeah, and just.
- 14:42Speaker 4: That question around, is what's happening in Dad's home destructive
- 14:46Speaker 4: or is it actually going to harm their son? Or
- 14:50Speaker 4: is it just an acknowledgment that in different homes there
- 14:52Speaker 4: are different rules.
- 14:52Speaker 3: It's happening a different way to what you'd like.
- 14:54Speaker 4: Yeah, And as long as Maum is consistent with what
- 14:56Speaker 4: she does and Dad is consistent, which he clearly it's.
- 15:00Speaker 3: Consistent with his inconsistency.
- 15:02Speaker 4: Yeah, there doesn't need to be any confusion. And it
- 15:07Speaker 4: really is about how we talk to our children. You know,
- 15:10Speaker 4: what happens in dad's home is up to Dad. He's
- 15:13Speaker 4: the rule maker in that home. But in our home,
- 15:16Speaker 4: these are our rules and this is what we do
- 15:18Speaker 4: in our home.
- 15:18Speaker 2: Yeah. One of my notes that I'd written down was
- 15:20Speaker 2: you've just got to talk talk with your son. Make
- 15:22Speaker 2: sure that your son understands what's going on in an
- 15:25Speaker 2: appropriate way, so that we're not making it out to
- 15:28Speaker 2: be that dad's suddenly the demon dad and Mum's the wonderful,
- 15:33Speaker 2: angelic mum getting it all right to be. We want
- 15:35Speaker 2: to be charitable, which is definitely coming across in the email,
- 15:39Speaker 2: So to take our message if he's safe, let it go,
- 15:43Speaker 2: because what's worse fighting about it pulling your child away
- 15:50Speaker 2: from dad or just recognizing that there are certain limits
- 15:55Speaker 2: to how effective a dad can do this and this
- 15:57Speaker 2: is as good as it's going to get.
- 15:59Speaker 4: And maybe I guess a second take home would be
- 16:01Speaker 4: just an acknowledgment that there isn't one way to do things.
- 16:04Speaker 4: Maybe looking outside the box, yeah, and seeing if there's
- 16:07Speaker 4: another way that you can set everybody up for success.
- 16:11Speaker 2: Sleepovers, hanging out a hotel room, I mean, that's kind of.
- 16:15Speaker 4: Camping would actually be awesome because there's no games now
- 16:18Speaker 4: when when you're.
- 16:19Speaker 3: Eating probably not well. It depends on whether you've got
- 16:21Speaker 3: five g or not.
- 16:22Speaker 2: We really hope that you've enjoyed this podcast and it's
- 16:24Speaker 2: been helpful, especially if you're in one of these kinds
- 16:26Speaker 2: of very tricky situations. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced
- 16:29Speaker 2: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our
- 16:32Speaker 2: executive producer and if you'd like more info about making
- 16:35Speaker 2: your family happier, because a happy family doesn't just happen,
- 16:38Speaker 2: please visit us at happy families dot com dot au