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435. How to get past the fear of disappointing others · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: This is your do you Fucking Mind?
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: An episode, and it is all about how to move
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: on or how to overcome the fear of disappointing other people,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: because I feel like us thinking about, Oh my god,
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: my parents are going to be disappointed, my partner's going
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: to be disappointed, these people are going to be disappointed.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: This my hometown is going to be disappointed. It stops
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: you from either taking action on certain things, from doing
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: certain things, but more importantly than that, it actually forces
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: you to lead a life that is not at all
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: within your control.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of the reason.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Why people are not satisfied with their life is because
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: they feel like they don't really have control over their life,
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: whether it be financially, whether it be emotionally, whether it
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: be with the direction of their life, whether they feel
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: stuck in a relationship.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Where there's a power dynamic.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: I genuinely feel that, Well, there's many sources of unhappiness,
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: but the two main sources is loneliness and feeling like
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: you do not have control over your life circumstances. So
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: that is what we're going to be talking about today.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: As far as disappointing other people. We're going to talk
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: about good disappointment and what that can teach us. We're
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: going to talk about bad disappointment and how to navigate
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: that in a way that doesn't control our life. Okay,
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: you're going to take the reins back, You're going to
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: take control back. You're going to be able to deal
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: with people being disappointed but still proceed with what it
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: is that you want to do without disrespecting people. It's
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: going to be a very, very very productive episode for
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: those of you that struggle with this kind of fear that.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: Holds you back.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Now, I thought i'd do a brain fact on death
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: cap mushrooms. Now, this is quite random for those of
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: you that are not playing along at home in Australia.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: I know that fun fact. Australia accounts for only around
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: like fifty percent of my audience.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: So I've got a lot of people that listen to
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: this podcast that are not in Australia.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: And the reason I'm saying that is because currently in
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Australia there is this very big trial, like a court
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: case trial going on.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: It actually just got like the verdict just came in.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: About this woman who poisoned four other people with the
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: meal that she cooked, and she put death cut mushrooms
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: in this meal. And the reason I'm saying she put
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: is because she's now the verdict came in. She has
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: been found guilty, so it's not even alleged. It's also
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: you hear her defense and it's fucking crock of shit.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: This woman's fucking anyway. I'm not even gonna whatever, but
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: it's she's she poisoned four people. Three of them died
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: and one of them.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: Was severely, severely, severely unwell from this poisoning.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: And the mushrooms that she used are called death cut mushrooms. Now,
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: this has been all over the news in Australia.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: There's podcasts about it, like the Mushroom Cook I think
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: it's called.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: There's a podcast.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: There's many podcasts, So if you guys are interested, whether
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: you're Australian or not, it's a very full on story
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: and quite an interesting one to read into.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: So I thought, why don't we talk about what it.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: Is about the death cut mushroom that causes people to die?
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Right? So these mushrooms death cut mushroom. They're also known
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: as Amanita fallow wides.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Okay, there's always going to be like some scientific name
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: to fucking everything. And they are one of the most
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: poisonous mushrooms that one can consume. Okay, they are responsible
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: for the majority of fatal cases in humans when it
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: comes to mushroom poisoning. One article I found was around
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: ninety percent of fatalities due to mushroom poisoning is due
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: to this particular mushroom. Okay, now we're talking about what
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: makes this mushroom so fucking toxic and what is the
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: mechanism of action in a nutshell without getting too too complicated,
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: so these mushrooms contain three main toxin groups, okay, amatoxins, phalotoxins,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: and virotoxins.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: And in this case, it appears.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Based on the studies and based on what the you know,
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: what pharmacists and pharmacologists have looked into, it appears that
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: the amatoxin is the toxin that's primarily responsible for these
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: like really terrible effects on humans. And just as a like,
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: you don't even have to take that much of the mushroom.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: It's quite a potent toxin. Thirty grams of the mushrooms,
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: just thirty grams is enough.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: To kill somebody. Okay. Now, like I said, there's many
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: things at play here.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: There's multiple toxins at play, and I'm not going to
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: go into all of them, but I am talking about
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: this particular amatoxin. We're going to delve into that one
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: because that's the one that seems to be the toxin
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: of like primary importance or interest in this scenario.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: Now, there's this within the amatos there's this thing called.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Alpha amanatin, Okay, and that's kind of the key, the
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: basically the key component that we're looking at of how
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: it affects the human body. So this alpha amanatin, what
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: it does is it inhibits an enzyme Okay, very basic,
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: but it inhibits an enzyme called RNA polymerase two.
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: Now, when you inhibit this enzyme, it.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: Causes these protein deficits, so that way the protein the
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: cells are not able to carry out their normal functions,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: such as creating proteins. If a cell cannot create the
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: proteins that it is supposed to create, it leads to
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: cell death.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: If a cell is stopped from doing what.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: It's supposed to do, it will die, Okay, whether it's
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: programmed to die.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: Because the body is like you're no longer useful. You're
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: going to die.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: Whether it becomes toxic within itself, whether the organelles cause
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: it to shut down, there's many reasons, but if a
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: cell is stopped from doing what it's supposed to be doing,
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: the chances of that cell dying is very, very high.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: And this is what's happening. It's leads to cell death.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: And the organ that's targeted here in this whole system
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: is primarily the liver, but also the kidneys, and then
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: you've got all these secondary organs that are targeted as
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: well with this toxin. So once the mushroom is consumed,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: the person doesn't really display symptoms for several hours, like
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: six to twelve hours, depending how much of the mushroom
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: is consumed.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: If you consume a lot of it, the symptoms.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Appear a bit earlier, not as much, they appear a
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: bit later, but it's still hours.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: Okay, So nausea, vomiting, diarrhea.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: From like six to twelve hours after ingestion, and then
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: after that seizures, coma death okay. Now, the mortality rate
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: of these mushrooms is between ten to thirty percent, but
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: that also is dependent on how much of this toxin
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: has been consumed. So someone can survive poisoning if they
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: haven't had two bigger dose.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: But if you have had a.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Massive dose and you're not aware that you had the dose,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: therefore you weren't able to intervene or intercept in the
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: primary like first few hours after ingesting that thing, then
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: I would imagine that the mortality rate would be a
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: lot higher than just the ten to thirty percent. Now,
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: toxicity is not reduced by cooking or drying. Now, this
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: woman in the mushroom murder trials, she like dehydrated these
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: mushrooms so she could like shrink them down and put
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: them in like a what was it that she made?
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Should I beef Wellington?
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah? She fucking cooked a beef Wellington. And anyway, we hectic.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: So basically what happens, This fucking mushroom gets absorbed through
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: the lining of the GI tract and then it makes
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: its way to the liver.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: And then obviously this toxin.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Inhibits the enzyme which inhibits the cell to create proteins.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Then that cell is programmed to They're all program to
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: die relatively quickly, and that's where like the major problems begin.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Then it starts to affect other organs, which then also
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: begin to shut down.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: After a few days, the liver.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Fails, the kidney fails, and then we get something called
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: acephalopathy and then death. So this acephalopathy, it's called hepatic acephalopathy,
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: which is basically an altered level of consciousness within the
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: brain due to liver failure. And that's what causes the
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: coma and then the death, as well as many other factors.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: And the reason for this is that toxins or just
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: particles within the blood that normally would be filtered out
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: by the liver and by the kidneys, that's not happening,
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: so then it's becoming toxic to the brain. And what
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: we're seeing is, you know, this change of consciousness and
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: then eventually a coma. Now, the underlying condition is thought
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: to be a build up of ammonia, which is normally
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: removed by the liver, but there's also a whole bunch
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: of other substances that the liver should be filling up,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: but it's not able to because this enzyme has been inhibited.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: The proteins aren't being made, and then everything's failing.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Now, the hectic thing about all of this is that.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: It is basically, as far as we know, pretty much irreversible. Okay,
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: So the antidote to death cut mushrooms is a compound.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: There's a couple, but.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: I'm going to mention the one that was mentioned the
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: most in the literature is one that's called syllibinin syllibin
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: and si L I B I N I N if
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: you want to look it up.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: Syllibin and I.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Don't know how to pronounce that, but it basically works
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: by competing at the binding site of the receptor in
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: the liver that that alpha amanetin binds two. Okay, so
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: I think I'm going to need to do a brain
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: factor all about different binding where we've got covalent bonds
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: and you.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: Know reversible bonds, irreversible bonds.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: But basically when we're talking about a chemical bond, certain
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: things that bind to receptor sites are going to be irreversible,
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: which means that that bond is now bound until the
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: cell turns over pretty much, so you cannot break that bond.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: It just like ends up getting released once the cell
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: turns over. Or there's bonds where things can.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: Bine to a receptor site but then another agent chemical
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: agent can come and knock that off the site, so
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: it can like kind of.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: Like compete at the binding site.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: What's happening here is this one particular antidote, this sillibinin right,
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: can work by competitively binding to the same receptor site,
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: but it won't knock off this alpha a manaton that
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: it might binds too. If alpha amnaton has already been bound,
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: this antagonist is not going to knock it off.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: So that's the scary thing. So in other words, the
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: only way.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: To really hopefully the only proper antidote as far as
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: we know to an extent, they're researching a bunch of
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: other things as well, is to intercept it as.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: Early as possible.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: But you would have to know that you consumed this mushroom.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: If you know that you consume this mushroom, you could
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: go to a hospital. You could, you know, try and
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: get this antidote ingest it block as many of the
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: receptor sites as possible, so that way you're getting very
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: minimal effects, very minimal damage to the liver and then
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: you can recover.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: Okay, if but.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: Like I said, you know, this antagonist has to be
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: It's only effective if it's administered before the toxin starts
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: to bind to most of the cells because it is
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: an irreversible bind. Once it's bound, it's not gonna fucking unbind.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: So that is why death cut mushrooms are so fucking dangerous.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: Cool.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Now, if you're interested in learning more about the case
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: than just look up on wherever you listen to your podcast,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: look up the mushroom murder Trials or the mushroom cook
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: or something, because it's very interesting story.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: It's really fucked up.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Now, let's get straight into the podcast topic of the day,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: which is about disappointing others.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: And we're going to break down what.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Disappointing other people kind of means for us, why it's
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: our greatest fear, Why it's the strongest thing that holds
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: us back in life.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: And I'm going to give you some tools.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: I'm going to really equip you with some psychological tools
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: that you leave this episode feeling so fucking empowered and
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: also not looking at the fear of disappointing other people
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: as like I don't give a fuck about disappointing other people.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: You end up having a very fair and rational approach
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: to what disappointing someone looks like.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: Okay. Now, the first thing number one that we're going
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: to go through. There's a whole bunch of points. You know,
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: I love it you. I love a list.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: Is it is normal to care what the next cunt
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: next to you thinks about you? That's normal, okay, So
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: don't be like, oh I wish I didn't care. I
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: just want to be someone that doesn't care what people think.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Even people that seem quite carefree and that really go
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: to the beat off their own drum, they might still
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: care what other people think. The problem here is what
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: are you doing about that care about what other people think?
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: Because I care what other people think about me. But
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: do I let it rule my life? That's the question.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: So don't think the only time it's going to be
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: okay is if I don't give a fuck what other
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: people think about me, because.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: That's relatively unrealistic.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: Because we are wired to want to form a close community,
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: a close bond to people, and due to that, we
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: have these social kind of structures built into our psyche
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: that forces us to care what the people around us think.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: Otherwise we would burn every fucking bridge under the sign
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: no one would want to hang around us if we
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: didn't have insight into how other people felt about our
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: actions and our behaviors.
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: Right, so it is normal to care.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Now the aim is to just not get to a
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: point where obviously you don't care enough that makes it inhumane,
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: but also to get to a point where you're like,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: I can acknowledge that I care. What am I going
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: to do about it now? Versus I'm having this visceral reaction.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: I need to stop doing what I'm doing because I
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: need to have this person like me in order for
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: me to like myself.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: Notice that difference there.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: Okay, number two, let's talk about the psychology behind it,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: because there's several things that play a role in people
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: that care so much that it controls their actions, and
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: people that are able to take on board when someone
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: is disappointed in them but still proceed with what they were.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: Going to do.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: The first one is high achievers. A lot of not everyone,
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: but a lot of high achievers tie their identity to
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: their achievements. And when your entire identity is based around
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: your achievements, then the fear of disappointing other people can
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: actually be quite large, and a lot of people would
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: be thinking, oh, but a high achiever, you know they're
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: probably really driven, they're probably quite intelligent, they're probably whatever. Yes, yes,
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: all those things are true, or they might be true,
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: but it still doesn't take away the fact that somebody
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: who is a high achiever where that becomes their identity,
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: then would really struggle to think, well, what if I
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: don't want a really like, intellectually demand job. What if
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: I don't want to do that? All these people are
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: going to be disappointed in them.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: Everyone has.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: When someone's got a standard of behaving or operating, the
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: people around them, well meaning people will hold them to
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: that standard and will expect great things from them. So
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: high achievers really do struggle with the fear of disappointing
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: other people. People with low self esteem where.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: They always get their validation and their sense of security
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: from everyone else around them, and they struggle to provide
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: even a semblance of that for themselves, they are also
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: going to struggle with the fear of disappointing others because
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: instead of rationally looking like, oh, I've disappointed my parents,
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: It's okay, you know, we're looking at this thing differently.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: We still love each other. This will be a thing
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: in the past later on, will It'll be fine. They
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: look at it as if my parents are disappointed in me,
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: they don't accept me.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: Okay, big, big difference.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: Then we've got people who have had a sheltered upbringing.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: Basically where it was super super super sheltered. Things were
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: done for.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: They weren't encouraged to go out on their own and
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: learn how to make a mistake, learn how to fail,
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: learn how to pick themselves up after that, you know,
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: like just basically learn that, like how to be knocked
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: down and get back up in life.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: People that were raised in a.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: Way where that was just not possible and everything was
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: handed to them and everything was given to them, they
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: find it really really difficult to practice decision making independently. Okay,
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: A lot of the fear of disappointing other people comes
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: down to how comfortable are you making a decision independently.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: If you are sheltered, you're likely going to find it
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: very difficult to have these independent decisions, and therefore you're
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: going to need all these other people's input because if
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: you're like I've never been taught how to practice decision
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: making for myself and learn the repercussions of a bad
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: decision versus a good decision, and learn how to deal
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: with these repercussions. Then you know, if I've never learned that,
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: then when I'm out in the big world as an adult,
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: it's going to be terrifying. Right, So therefore, I'm going
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: to continue to turn to my parents or turn to
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: my community or my family, or my church or whoever
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: to get the approval. And then if I now turn
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: around and say, I really want to do something different
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: with my life, how the fuck am I going to
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: be able to do that if these people don't agree.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: So therefore I'm not going to do it because unless
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: they agree, I'm not gonna be able to do it.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: And then, of course, people that really fear regret and
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: fear people saying I told you so. If you're someone
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: that really fears someone saying I told you so, then
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: that comes down to the fact that you put all
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: your validation in the hands of other people because no
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: one likes to be.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: Told I told you so.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: Also, people that say I told you so can get
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: fucked as far as I'm concerned, Like the amount of
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: times I think in my head, oh, I told you so,
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: but I would never say it. It's like, we're all
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: adults here, We're not fucking morons.
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: We all are aware when we've made a bad decision,
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: So those clowns are like to sit on their fucking
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: high horse and be like, Oh, I told you I
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: knew this would happen. I knew that this relationship wouldn't
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: work you.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: No, you didn't. Can't You can say that now in hindsight,
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: because this is the outcome, But.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: Did you know?
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you might have presumed or imagined or thought possibly,
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: but you don't know.
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: You don't have a crystal ball.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: And also, it's my fucking life, so I don't care
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: what you thought. Sorry about the rant, but it just
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: pisses me off when people say I told you so,
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: because it's so disrespectful and unnecessary, because it's so easy
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: when it's not your life and you're not having to
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: make the decisions to stand there and say, oh, I
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: imagined a scenario where this wouldn't work out for you
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: while I'm sitting here comfortably at home. So I would
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: never fear someone saying I told you so, because if
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: someone saying I told you so, they are emotionally inept.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: Individuals sense sense other reasons.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: Ah, you might be someone who always wants to be
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: in control of everything, So if you always need to
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: be in control of everything. Then that is going to
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: include outcomes of people's reactions. Right, So people that and
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: I've said this before, I'm going to say it again,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: people that don't have a semblance of control over their
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: lives are more likely to try and control everything else
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: outside of them, so outcomes people liking them, people you know,
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: doing it, like so people pleases, for example, they might
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: not be satisfied with their life and everything that they're doing,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: but they'll try and control the outcome of a lot
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: of things. Or even unhealthy individuals who will try and
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: control their partners because they themselves don't have a like
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: a real grasp of happiness in their life.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: Okay, So that's another reason.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: If you think I can't do this because I'm not
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: in control of how this person reacts, and they're going
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: to react negatively to me making this decision, and then
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: I'm going to disappoint them, blah blah blah. Okay, people
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: that chase approval and also avoid conflict, that's an obvious one.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: So those are those are the main reasons.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: Now I'm going to cover two kinds of disappointment in
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: this next point two point three two kinds of disappointment
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: because it's really important to know the two and how
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: we're going to break them down. Number One, there is
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: fair disappointment. Okay, So fair disappointment is when you have
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: actually done something that is out of character and someone
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: is rightfully surprised to be let down by you.
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: And be disappointed by you.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: So this is a concept that I have covered recently,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: so I don't need to go in depth about it
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: if you're an avid listener for the podcast, but basically,
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: this is the kind of disappointment where it's important to listen.
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: This is what strengthens our social muscle. Okay, So if
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: you know that you did something out of character, Let's
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: say you lied, and you're not a lie normally, but
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: let's say you lied and then someone's like, I'm disappointed
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: in you because you lied to me, and we've got
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: such a trusting relationship, but I just don't see the
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: need for you to lie, even if it was a
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: small light.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: Why you did that because our relationship is so honest
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: and open. That is fair, and that's when you need
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: to listen. That's a good disappointment. That's a kind of
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: check yourself before you wreck your you're breaking out of
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: this really good character that you have for what you know.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: It allows you to pause, It allows you to feel
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: healthy guilt.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Healthy guilt is when.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: You know you've done something wrong, it goes against your
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: character or your morals or both, and you're able to
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: be like, oh God, I don't like making a person
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: feel like that. God, I don't like creating cracks in
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: a relationship for what. I don't like someone now not
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: knowing if they can trust me because I did something stupid.
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: Very healthy. So this is really good.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: So when someone says they're disappointed, and you ask yourself,
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: is this fair disappointment? And the real key to know
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: if it's fair or not is did I break character
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: and do something that genuinely was a surprise to them
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: because it was so out of character for me to
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: do it, and it's something that hurts the other person. Okay,
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: So another example is like when you really promise to
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: do something to but you don't follow through, then they
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: can be disappointed in you. The amount of people that
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: promise things and then they don't follow through and then
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: someone gets disappointed, they're like, well, it was too busy,
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: it was to this that was to that.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: Then don't promise. It's not that hard.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: Like, just be a person of your word, even if
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: that means that your word is ten percent.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: Of what it used to be. Who cares.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: But just if you're going to promise, stick to your
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: fucking word. Otherwise, don't commit.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: It's not that hard.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: And like I that's something I've learned as well in
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: my time. I would much rather, as much as I
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: want to please someone in the moment and say, yeah,
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I'm problems, I'm going to get this done. I promise,
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: I would much rather say I'm going to do my best.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: Let's see how we go. I can't promise anything yet,
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: versus when I do promise something, I know I'm going
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: to follow through. Okay, So how can you become a
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: person off your word? Stop promising shit you can't follow
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: through with, and then people are not going to be
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: that disappointed in you. Another thing would be if you've
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: got a really close friendship and then for whatever reason,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: when they really needed you, you just weren't really paying attention.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: You weren't giving your friend the time of day, you
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: weren't being a good friend, kind of preempt their needs
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: and being for there in the hour of need, or
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: for example, you've always been a really loving, caring person
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: with your family and with your friends, and one day
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: you are like behaving like a fucking pork chop, being rude,
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: being a dickhead, and people are like, whoa, what has
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: come over you? We're very disappointed in your behavior today.
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: So that's fair disappointment. It's basically when you've set yourself
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: up and then.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: You've gone against your word, You've gone and failed your word,
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: and then.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: People are like, what the fuck? So that's very fair,
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: that's normal.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: It's a great learning COVID teaches us a lot about
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: our social kind of interactions with other people. This is
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: really good fair disappointment. This is very easy to overcome.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: You ask yourself, is it real? As in, is it
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: actually going against what I was supposed to be? Did
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: I actually lie? Did I actually let this person down?
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: Am I being caught out for something legitimate? Can I
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: agree with this thing that I've been caught out for?
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: If it's fair, it's probably going to be. Yeah, you
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: can agree once I can put my pride aside, like
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: can I see it from their point of view?
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: And normally you can. And then you.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: Ask yourself am I able to now apologize, acknowledge the
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: pain or the confusion that I caused, and can I
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: move on from this in a productive way?
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: Okay, So those are the steps that you deal with.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: Those are the questions that you ask yourself, and you're
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: dealing with fair disappointments really really healthy, and it also
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: strengthens a relationship. If I was disappointed in a friend
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: and a friend turned around and said, you know what
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: I've thought about this, You're right. The reason you're disappointed
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: me because I went against my word.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: I did this, I did that. I acknowledge you made
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: you feel this way. I'm going to do better next time.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: And this is how I'm going to do better. I'm
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: like fucking legend, very aware, knows what they're doing.
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: I'll probably feel even closer to my friend if that
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: was the outcome.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, now, the next one is weaponized disappointment.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: That's what we're dealing with here. We are dealing with.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: Weaponized disappointment because I don't want you to not give
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: a fuck about the first disappointment I spoke about. That's important.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: This is what disappointment and guilt is for. It's so
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: you can actually learn from your fucking mistakes. Weaponized disappointment
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: is what I want to be focusing on. This is
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: where people use disappointment quote unquote as a tool to
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: manipulate you, to get you to do what they.
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: Want you to do. Okay.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: So, for example, in an unhealthy relationship where your you know,
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: partner will use disappointment of getting you know, you to
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: conform in a certain way, to dress a certain way,
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: to behave a certain way because they want, you know,
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: they want people to view you as an extension of them.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: So if they see something as appropriate or inappropriate, they
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: look at you as a reflection of them.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: They try and mold you in a certain way.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: And if you try and break out of that mold,
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: they're like, you know, that's disappointing, or it's you disappointed
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: me when you said that thing, or you know, so
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: they try and manipulate you through the lens of disappointment.
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: It's very weaponized, okay, and.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: You feel guilty because you always want to you know,
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: you always want your partner to hold you in high esteem,
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: and in unhealth the relationships, it's a really effective manipulation tactic.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: Then another form of disappointment.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: Is parents, hugely parents who want their child to have
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: a certain career that fits in or follows the ideals
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: off the fairy tale that they've created in their head
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: for their child, whether it be career, whether it be
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: you know, who they choose to marry, where they choose
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: to live, where they choose to raise a family, how.
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: They choose to raise their children, all of that.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: Sometimes parents can get very ahead of themselves and start
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: saying that they're disappointing things that they have no right
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: to even have any kind of control or you know whatever.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: Over So, when we talk about people that use weaponize disappointment,
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to talk about it as people that
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: use it, but you could you could apply it to
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: whatever you're dealing with in your life, whether it's your parents,
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: whether it's.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: Your whatever, whoever the fuck is doing this to you. Okay,
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: but there'll be things like what will people think of you?
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: That's weaponized disappoint They're trying to get you to feel
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: like other people are going to think worse if you
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: were to follow through with this thing. It's just that
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: I care what other people think of you. It's very like,
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: very manipulative.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: Okay, saying to your partner, you know, if you have.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: This is a really big one if you, let's say,
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: your partner cheats on you or is just a dud
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: in the relationship, and then you're the one that leaves.
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: They say, just know that people are going to know
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: that you're the one that gave up on this relationship.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: You're the one that whatever. So again they're trying to.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: Put the disappointment of other people onto you, so you
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: stay in a relationship even though that they're the ones
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: that have caused the cracks in the relationship, saying things
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: like I thought you were different. I didn't realize this
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: was you. I didn't you know obviously, when they say,
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: you let me down on something that you hadn't agreed
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: to prior, so different to what I spoke about. When
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: you make a promise, when you do agree, when you
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: do when someone just says no, no, you let me
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: down on something that you're like, that's not even in
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: my character, that's not even like you haven't even asked
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: me to do that. I didn't even know that's what
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: you expected from me. You're trying to basically like force
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: me to read your mind.
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: I'm going to tell people that you did X y
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: Z all of this shit. Okay, So you've got.
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: To start to ask yourself, how badly do I need
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: this person or these people to think highly of me?
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: At what cost? At what cost? Because if it's at
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: the cost of you.
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: Living a life that is a life that you want
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: to live, making decisions for your own career or for
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: where you when you live, then that's a very high cost.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: You've got to know what it costs you. Everything comes
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: at a price. Everything comes at a price. And if
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: you're going to let someone's disappointment dictate how you live
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: your life, identify the price and say am I willing
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: to pay it?
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: Because they're not paying it.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: It's all well and good for a parent to sit
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: on their high horse, ha ha ha, I want you
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: to live. But they're not the ones depressed having to
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: live in this you know in a career that they
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: don't want to live in or force to stay in
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: a city because they feel that they're going to disappoint
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: their parents if they moved and experience life in another
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: country for a year or two or longer, Like you're
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: the one that has to live with it, So at
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: what cost?
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: Okay? Then say, if after this person gets over the
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: initial shock, of me telling them what I am going
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: to do with my life or what I do want
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: to do that I want to change something. If this
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: person still cannot think highly of me.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: After the fact, what does that mean about them and
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: my relationship with them? Because you could say, oh, but
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: they're old. My parents are old, they're set in their ways,
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: they're this and that.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: Fuck off. Okay, because when it comes to loving someone.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: It's okay for someone to still not love your decision
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: but still love you. You can get to a point
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: where you let let's say you want to move overseas,
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: but you're like, oh my god, my parents would never
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: with the whole family has lived in the same suburb,
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: let alone, the same city and country.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: They would just die, They would whatever. Okay. Your aim
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: isn't to get your parents to be thrilled about your decision,
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: because then you'll never go. The aim is that you
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: can get.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: Them to see it as much as possible from your perspective.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: There's a difference between them being sad that you're doing
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: something because they're going to miss you, versus you thinking
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: that they're going to be disappointed in you and they're
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: not going to accept you as a person because most
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: parents can still be sad for selfish reasons because they'd
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: love you and they want you nearby, but also acknowledge.
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: That it's something that's important to you.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: Another one is your parents not wanting you to date,
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: you know, not wanting you to be gay.
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: Okay, that grinds my gears.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: That one because it's like, ultimately mean the fuck And
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: I could go on forever about that one.
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: Not just fun anyway, but it's this idea that you
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: are warping.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: They look at it as not that you have any
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: control for it, but you are significantly changing the idea
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: that they had for you, and you're turning it upside down.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: And now they've got to come up with a whole
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: brand new kind of fairy tale or imaginary life that
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: they had for you. And you're the one that's going
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: to destroy that. You're the one that's going to turn
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: that around when you never told them please come up
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: with this imaginary concept of what you think my life
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: is going to be like. Right, But all these things,
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: you've got to think, at the end of the day,
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: if my relationship with my parents or this person or
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: this friend or whatever is healthy enough, we can still
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: have a healthy relationship. The aim is not to get
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: them to love what I do. At the end of
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: the day, I can't control that outcome. The aim is
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: to communicate it across to them, to be honest, to
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: answer the questions whenever it's appropriate, to answer their questions,
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: because sometimes there's questions outrageous and it's not appropriate, but
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: in general, to have an open communication about what it
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: is that I'm doing. They don't have to love it,
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: but I want them to understand whenever possible, where I'm
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: coming from.
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: If possible, if.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: They're open to it, don't say my aim is to
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: get them to agree, because if your aim is to
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: get them to agree, they just can simply not agree
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: and then you're not.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: Going to take action on that thing, which is fucking bullshit.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, so you've got to ask yourself, what is the
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: worst case scenario. If they walked away from me saying
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: I'm actually not going to do this thing.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: I'm actually not If.
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: They walked away, you know, thinking the worst of you
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: and telling everyone and spreading stories and whatever, whether they're
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: friends or whatever.
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: I can't imagine your parents spreading stories, but some parents
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: are toxic.
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: What is the worst case scenario because a lot of people,
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: myself included, stayed. I remember there were times twice in
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: my life I was in these really unhealthy relationships, and
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: I remember saying to myself, like, we'd have really big fights,
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: but the way that the fights would be spun was
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: always like, somehow, it'll always make me look really bad
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: in the fight. It was how I, you know, because
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: I'd snap and like the initial reason for the fight
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: wasn't something that I had done necessarily wrong, but then
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: how I ended up reacting because I was so frustrated.
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: Maybe I yelled, maybe I name called it. I just
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: like lost my shit, and then it would turn around
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: to be this thing of like, if I was to
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: leave now, I would look like a psychopath. Now, in hindsight,
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: I would much rather look like a quote unquote psycho
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: that my ex tells other people, Oh my god, she
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: snapped at me, she blew up, she's crazy, and have
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: my sanity and leave this person.
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: But at the time I thought, no, no, no, no,
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: no no, I've got to mend this. I've got amend this.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: Otherwise all these people are going to be disappointed in me.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: All these people are going to think that I'm crazy
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: and that I'm this or that I'm not, so I
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: would mend it. So I remember always thinking I can't
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: wait for an opportunity for this relationship to end where
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: I can walk away with my with my image unscathed.
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: And that's really unhealthy because both times it held me
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: in that relationship a lot longer. I knew I didn't
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: want to like, I knew deep down as much as
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: I loved them, but deep deep down I knew I
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: was looking for an out where I would not be,
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: where my image wouldn't be dragged through the mud. Okay,
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: and that's not right. So you got to ask yourself,
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: what's the worst thing that can happen.
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: So your ex goes and tells people that you're a psycho, Okay, cool, Cool.
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: The people he's.
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: Telling that you're a psycho are obviously not that close
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: to you, because anyone that's close to you is going
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: to take that information with a grain of salt, being like,
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: there's two sides to over story. We know this person
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: quite well. You probably were just having an argument they're
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: not a p cycho. Like if someone came up to
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: me and told me live is a psycho, I would
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: be like, well, you obviously just had a really negative
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: interaction with her and you both got into a fight.
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: Do you think I'm gonna be like, oh my god,
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: my best friends are fucking psycho because this one person
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: told me she's a psycho.
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: You know, like the people that know you know you. Okay,
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: so what is the worst We need to get over
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: the fact that people are gonna believe rumors about us,
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: because if you live your life like take to avoid
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: a rumor about you, you'll be miserable. You will be miserable. Okay,
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: And then ask yourself, is how they feel about my
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: decision ultimately my responsibility? And the answer is no, it's
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: not your responsibility.
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: And if it's parents specifically that we're talking about, after
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: you've offered open communication around the topic and them still
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: rejecting this idea of what you want, you know, who
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: is now responsible for their feelings?
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: They are?
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: You can say, look, i know you're still unhappy with
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: what I've said. I'm here for mature adult conversations, but
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: I'm just telling you what I'm doing. It's not about asking,
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: it's not about getting your approval world adults.
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: Hey, I'm just letting you know.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: And if you want to ask more questions if you
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: want to talk about it. Yeah, I'm like, depending what
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: questions are asking, but yeah, ultimately yes, but that's it.
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: I'm not responsible for your feelings around this thing.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: Okay. You can still have a good relationship with someone
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: and not agree on certain things, especially when it comes
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: to things that you want to do with your life.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: Okay, you don't have to keep addressing something again and
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: again or sweeping it under the rug where both parties
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: are set on their ways. If your parents want to
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: be set in a certain way, again, that's also ultimately
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: up to them. It's not up to you to change
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: them because you can't control them. So you also don't
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: want to be like, well, my parents really want me
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: to be a doctor, and how do I get them
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: to say? You don't have to get them to see
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: fucking shit. You living your life will hopefully eventually get
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: them there. But if they choose not to see it,
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: that's their delusions and that's on them.
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like once it's been addressed, unless there's
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: new content to bring to the table, you can just
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: like proceed with your life with this kind of like
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: parental disappointment. You always have to realize that if someone
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: has created a little movie in their head about you
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: and your future and what they expect from you, you,
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: that's on them, Like, congratulations for creating this animation.
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: But that's not my problem. Okay, it's your problem.
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: You're not privy to this weird movie that they made
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: in their head. Therefore that's on them.
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: So to summarize this episode, after everything that I've spoken about,
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: you've got to, oh.
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: Smash it the light next to me.
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: So to summarize this episode, basically, just because someone perceives
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: something differently to you, it doesn't make you wrong. It
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: doesn't make your decision wrong. We all approach things differently
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: in life. And I also don't want you to feel like,
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: how do I get them to now say, No, we're
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: not here to control other people.
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: We're here to take control of our life. And there
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: are going to be people along the way that I'm
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: going to use weaponized disappointment and also fair disappointment, but
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: in this case we're talking about webonize disappointment to.
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: Try and get you to fit into their life so
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: they can control you. Everything's about control, But you've got
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: to remind yourself. Ultimately, we all want control. These people
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: think that by controlling me they'll be happier, and that's
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: their belief and whatever whatever, But that's I know that that's.
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: Not the truth. So as long as I can be
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: in control of my life, I don't need to control
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: other people agreeing with me or not. Okay.
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: Everyone sees life through their own filter, everybody.
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: Okay. So if you're.
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: Trying to perfectly curate how you are perceived, then you're
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: playing a losing game and you're wasting a lot of
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: time and you're going to be sitting in this.
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: Fear reactive state always. Okay.
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: It is not your job to create, like curate how
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: other people see you. You can only do so much
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: based on your character, based on how you treat people,
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: based on how you talk to people. But at the
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: end of the day, people have to see you for
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: who you are, okay, And then a lot of them
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: might not like it, might not agree, and that's okay,
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: it's you know, because the altern the flip side of
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: that is you constantly living like, okay, do they like
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: this about me?
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: And then you just being miserable and unfulfilled and having
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: no control of your life whatsoever.
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: You have to let people misunderstand you. You have to
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: be okay with people misunderstanding you, because if someone misunderstands you, it's,
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: like I said before, everyone sees life through their own
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: filter and through their own lens. It is perfectly normal
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: to not be able to align with a significant portion
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: of the population, as long as we can still respect
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: each other and as long as we can be like,
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: I don't really see how you came to that conclusion,
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: but I also respect that you've had a different journey
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: in your life to get you to that point. So
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: that's fine, you know, that's the main thing. But it
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: is the most liberating thing you can do for yourself
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: is to let someone misunderstand you. Not intentionally obviously, but
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: if you've had a conversation they still don't get it,
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: that's what you've got to let it go. Then you've
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, what is my weight to carry
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: in this situation, What is actually my responsibility and what
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: is not my responsibility, because you're going to a lot
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: of this responsibility weight when you realize, well, I've been
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: carrying these the need to control other people's opinions of
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: me so much that it's actually like blocks me from
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: you know, saying what I want to say or doing
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: or living or whatever what I want to do.
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: Okay, so it's not my weight to carry.
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: If it was fair disappointment, that is your weight to carry,
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: because you want to mend a relationship when you've done
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: something wrong. But if it's Weaponar's disappointment, it is not your.
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: Weight to carry. Okay.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: That is all for today's episode, guys. I hope you
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: enjoyed that, and I yeah, good times. I will have
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: a brain fact coming up, maybe in the next Monday
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: app maybe in a couple of Monday EPs. I don't know,
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: but it's going to be about bonds and chemical bonds
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: and stuff because I think I can come up with
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: some really cool examples of like certain medications that we
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: take and anyway, really interesting stuff.
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: So that's all. Love you guys so much, Thanks for
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: tuning in, Please rate, review and shed the episode. And yes,
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: as always remembered, becind to yourself, becind to your brain.
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: Don't text it from anyone, and especially don't text it
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: from yourself. Dogger