Latest / IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective / Stop Repeating Yourself: Boundaries That Actually Work

Transcript

Stop Repeating Yourself: Boundaries That Actually Work · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:34
  Ben: Hello everyone.
• 0:35
  Ben: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:37
  Ben: Thank you for being here.
• 0:38
  Ben: If this is your first time, this is a pretty good place to start.
• 0:43
  Ben: We are going to be talking about boundaries today, and if you have ever caught yourself saying the same darn thing to your teen over and over and over again, we're gonna help you address that.
• 0:54
  Ben: Buckle up if this is your first time.
• 0:57
  Ben: Thank you for being here.
• 0:58
  Ben: If you have been here many times, thank you for coming back.
• 1:02
  Ben: today we are talking about boundaries because Cortni is terrible.
• 1:06
  Ben: With Ben.
• 1:07
  Ben: Just joking, it's not Cortni.
• 1:09
  Cort: A work in progress
• 1:10
  Ben: I'm always working on boundaries too.
• 1:12
  Ben: Like before we hit record, we're like, man, this is actually something I need in my life right now, and I have.
• 1:20
  Ben: A 17-year-old who thinks he knows everything, thinks he should be able to do whatever he wants, and thinks that his parents are complete idiots.
• 1:30
  Cort: That sounds so familiar
• 1:31
  Ben: Wait, you've experienced that too.
• 1:33
  Cort: Yeah Wonder if the same
• 1:35
  Ben: I wonder.
• 1:36
  Ben: They both like basketball Oh, well.
• 1:39
  Ben: So if you have ever felt like you've said the same thing to your kid over and over, like, Hey, be home on time, get your homework done, put your phone away, and nothing changes.
• 1:51
  Ben: This podcast is for you.
• 1:54
  Ben: And if you're like most parents, when your teen doesn't change, when you tell'em these things, you start to feel frustrated and disrespected.
• 2:02
  Ben: And sometimes you just wonder like.
• 2:04
  Ben: Why won't they just listen?
• 2:06
  Ben: But we are here to tell you like maybe the problem isn't your teen.
• 2:10
  Ben: Maybe you actually have a boundary problem.
• 2:14
  Ben: And so today we're going to show you why most parenting boundaries don't work.
• 2:20
  Ben: We're gonna show you some of the biggest mistakes that are actually making things worse.
• 2:25
  Ben: And we're gonna teach you a simple way to create boundaries that work without constant fights, without having to remind your teen over and over and over and without feeling like the bad guy.
• 2:37
  Ben: and just remember We wanna make boundaries something that not only can you do and they work for you, but they don't suck for your teen.
• 2:45
  Ben: And that is possible.
• 2:47
  Ben: lemme just ask you, Cortni, have you ever like told your teen, Hey, I want you to be home at a certain time, and then that time comes and goes, but your teenager has not yet come home.
• 3:01
  Ben: Has that ever happened to you?
• 3:02
  Cort: Yes a few times Yeah he's there are some consequences like maybe I'll make the curfew earlier next time so that he can be home on time But again it's not something that ever sticks So maybe that's not a boundary
• 3:16
  Ben: Well.
• 3:17
  Cort: That's a consequence
• 3:18
  Ben: And so we're gonna talk about this.
• 3:20
  Ben: This is perfect by the way.
• 3:22
  Ben: Not only do you and I need this, I have multiple clients right now.
• 3:26
  Ben: I'm working with some mothers and a father that can all use this.
• 3:32
  Ben: here's the thing.
• 3:33
  Ben: What I see a lot is when.
• 3:36
  Ben: There's like a curfew given like, Hey, I want you home at midnight, and then the teen doesn't show up at midnight.
• 3:43
  Ben: Then the parent is like, you are late.
• 3:46
  Ben: We've talked about this.
• 3:48
  Ben: And then the teenager's like, yeah, but it's not a big deal.
• 3:51
  Ben: That one, I actually feel like.
• 3:53
  Ben: I could see your teenager saying that exact thing.
• 3:56
  Ben: My teen would just pretend like you didn't hear me, and then what happens?
• 4:00
  Ben: You get more upset.
• 4:02
  Ben: I fall into the trap of like lecture Dad and I just wanna lecture, and then your teenager gets defensive and now you guys are both arguing and now in the heat of the moment, you're like, we'll, fine then.
• 4:15
  Ben: And you throw out this massive consequence and it's something that you're probably not even going to follow through on.
• 4:22
  Ben: You're just mad.
• 4:23
  Ben: Which by the way, don't do consequences.
• 4:26
  Ben: Mad.
• 4:26
  Ben: Like, don't drink and drive.
• 4:28
  Ben: Don't do consequences, man.
• 4:29
  Ben: anyways, a few days later, the exact same thing happens again.
• 4:34
  Ben: And what most parents don't realize, they're not setting good boundaries.
• 4:39
  Ben: That's more of a request and a threat that is backed by frustration.
• 4:46
  Ben: And oftentimes we make one of the biggest mistakes where we are actually trying to control our teen.
• 4:53
  Ben: And Cortni, lemme just ask you this, has anyone ever tried to control you
• 4:58
  Cort: I'm sure they've tried
• 4:59
  Ben: that, did it work?
• 5:01
  Cort: Probably didn't work out too well
• 5:02
  Ben: That, how do you feel when people try to control you?
• 5:05
  Cort: I push back I'll do the opposite for sure
• 5:08
  Ben: Funny thing is I have asked that to parents all over the world and they're like, yeah, I hate it when people try to control me.
• 5:14
  Ben: And I'm like, funny thing is, guess how your teen feels?
• 5:18
  Cort: Mm-hmm
• 5:19
  Ben: And we see this pattern where you try and control your teen and that creates resistance.
• 5:25
  Ben: And so they push back and then you push back and you're just, you get into this power struggle and.
• 5:33
  Ben: It doesn't work.
• 5:34
  Ben: It disconnects you from your teen and, and it causes frustration.
• 5:39
  Ben: So here's the shift that we wanna share with you guys.
• 5:43
  Ben: A boundary is not about what your teen does.
• 5:47
  Ben: A boundary is about what you will do.
• 5:50
  Cort: Mm-hmm
• 5:51
  Ben: this is really important.
• 5:52
  Ben: I want you to just highlight this in your mind.
• 5:55
  Ben: Boundaries are not about your teen.
• 5:57
  Ben: A boundary is about you.
• 6:00
  Ben: Because here's the truth, like I tell this to people sometimes, especially dads, dads have a hard time with this.
• 6:06
  Ben: You can't control your teen
• 6:09
  Cort: Mm-hmm
• 6:10
  Ben: And for dads that struggle, it's like the bigger they are, the the more they struggle.
• 6:14
  Ben: They're like, I'm like 6 5, 280 pounds look like the rock.
• 6:20
  Ben: I can control my teen.
• 6:21
  Ben: It's like.
• 6:22
  Cort: We are not talking physical control like
• 6:25
  Ben: Yeah, like even if you physically control them, you're not gonna be able to control them emotionally and they're gonna resent you and it's not gonna work well.
• 6:33
  Cort: mm-hmm
• 6:34
  Ben: So when we can't control something, I always like to encourage people, shift your attention to whatever you can control.
• 6:42
  Ben: Cortni, if you can't control your teen, what can you control?
• 6:47
  Cort: I can control myself the things that I do or say
• 6:51
  Ben: Really good.
• 6:52
  Cort: I respond or react to the choices that they make
• 6:54
  Ben: Yeah, exactly.
• 6:56
  Ben: And this is where most parents get it wrong.
• 6:58
  Ben: They're more focused on their teenager, this entity that is outside of their control rather than they are focused on themselves.
• 7:08
  Ben: And so what happens is they end up building boundaries that are built around things that they can't control.
• 7:15
  Ben: And then they wonder why their boundaries keep failing.
• 7:18
  Ben: what I wanna do is I want to give you a super, super simple formula for boundaries.
• 7:25
  Ben: The problem with simplicity is you guys are gonna think, oh man, that's just too easy.
• 7:30
  Ben: How could that possibly work?
• 7:32
  Ben: No, I'm telling you, this is super simple.
• 7:34
  Ben: This is all you need.
• 7:36
  Ben: The next time you wanna set a boundary with your teen, just use this framework.
• 7:41
  Ben: If you blank, I will blank.
• 7:46
  Ben: Now it's super simple, but there are some important things to factor in here.
• 7:50
  Ben: If you blank, that's usually where you fill in that blank with something outside of your control.
• 7:56
  Ben: Like, look, teenager, if I let you go out tonight, if you come home late, that's outside of my control.
• 8:03
  Ben: If you come home late, I will choose not to let you borrow my car.
• 8:08
  Ben: I control that one.
• 8:10
  Cort: Mm-hmm
• 8:10
  Ben: if I have to, I'll just keep the keys in my pocket or I'll hide'em, like whatever I need to do.
• 8:16
  Ben: But if you come home late, I will control this thing within my control.
• 8:21
  Ben: That's it.
• 8:22
  Ben: That is how to set a boundary Cortni.
• 8:26
  Ben: Have you ever tried that simple little framework?
• 8:29
  Cort: I'm sure I have part of my problem might have been sticking to that framework yeah
• 8:35
  Ben: Yeah.
• 8:35
  Ben: So maybe one additional important nuance.
• 8:39
  Ben: The second blank.
• 8:40
  Ben: So the first one, if you come home late or don't get good grades or punch your brother, I don't know.
• 8:48
  Ben: The first one is outside of your control.
• 8:49
  Ben: The second one, not only does it need to be within your control, it needs to be something that you are actually willing to do.
• 8:56
  Ben: I remember a time my kids were fighting and I was like, guys.
• 9:01
  Ben: I think they were playing like Minecraft and like the fight started digitally.
• 9:07
  Ben: Like one sibling hit the other sibling with a sword and it was like a diamond sword, so it did real damage,
• 9:15
  Cort: Yeah
• 9:16
  Ben: which meant in the real world, the one brother had to punch the other brother.
• 9:20
  Ben: And they're like going at it.
• 9:21
  Ben: And I'm like, guys, if you don't stop fighting, I'm gonna throw your Xbox in the trash.
• 9:26
  Ben: That's a crappy.
• 9:27
  Ben: I will because that Xbox cost us hundreds of dollars.
• 9:32
  Ben: There's no way I'm gonna throw that away.
• 9:34
  Ben: Like it would've been better to be like, guys, if you keep fighting, I'm gonna take the cord to the Xbox and I'm gonna hide it and you won't be able to play like that is something that I can follow through.
• 9:46
  Ben: So a, a little nuance to that.
• 9:49
  Ben: Yes, it needs to be something that you can control.
• 9:52
  Ben: It also needs to be something that you are.
• 9:54
  Ben: Willing to follow through on.
• 9:56
  Ben: So, any questions about that formula?
• 9:59
  Ben: Pretty clear cut.
• 10:01
  Ben: Very simple.
• 10:01
  Cort: very simple Yes
• 10:03
  Ben: Yeah, so some of the ones that I like to do, like I try and pay for my kids' cell phones as long as possible because that gives me control over something.
• 10:16
  Ben: Like, Hey, if you don't do blank.
• 10:20
  Ben: I'm going to take away your cell phone privilege.
• 10:22
  Ben: They're like, you can't do that.
• 10:23
  Ben: I'm like, yeah, I can call up the cell phone company right now and just have it turned off.
• 10:27
  Ben: It's something within my control.
• 10:29
  Ben: It's something I'm willing to do.
• 10:31
  Ben: If you come home late, I'll choose not to let you borrow my vehicle.
• 10:35
  Ben: The one that we struggled with with my oldest was like, dude, if you treat this vehicle like your own personal locker where you just throw like.
• 10:44
  Ben: I'm gonna take away your driving privilege.
• 10:46
  Ben: So, Cortni, how could you use this in your life?
• 10:50
  Cort: one boundary that
• 10:51
  Ben: I.
• 10:51
  Cort: have set recently was grades or missing assignments I can't force him to do his homework and there was a lot of things outside of my control and at home I just saw him so distracted by games or his phone and it's no wonder you're not doing your homework
• 11:09
  Ben: So one thing I
• 11:09
  Cort: could control was taking away like his controllers for his PlayStation during the week He
• 11:15
  Ben: half a month weekend, but as long as
• 11:17
  Cort: he gets all of his
• 11:18
  Ben: homework done throughout the week
• 11:19
  Cort: he
• 11:19
  Ben: can have back on the weekend
• 11:20
  Cort: I also his screen time on his phone
• 11:23
  Ben: 10 30, so
• 11:24
  Cort: his
• 11:24
  Ben: shuts off at 10 30,
• 11:25
  Cort: at night
• 11:26
  Ben: that's
• 11:26
  Cort: a boundary that I have
• 11:27
  Ben: set.
• 11:28
  Ben: It goes into effect without me having to do it
• 11:30
  Cort: every
• 11:31
  Ben: single and it actually makes.
• 11:32
  Cort: a big difference he hasn't had missing assignments And he is actually been a little kinder Like he talks a little bit more He's just not glued to that phone all the time and so late So I actually really like those boundaries that I stuck to the curfew one I'm still working on But yeah those are things that I can do and they just fall into place without me having to do anything
• 11:53
  Ben: Good.
• 11:54
  Ben: And here's something I would add.
• 11:55
  Ben: If you're just starting out with boundaries, don't go for the biggest, hardest boundaries first.
• 12:02
  Ben: Do some smaller, easy ones and show your kid like, look, I'm on your side.
• 12:06
  Ben: I want you to have this thing, but I also want you to do this other thing to earn the privilege.
• 12:13
  Ben: That's why I always recommend that parents have the rights versus privilege conversation.
• 12:19
  Ben: That way you can set a boundary.
• 12:21
  Ben: And notice this is super important.
• 12:23
  Ben: You are not trying to force your teenager to do the thing.
• 12:28
  Ben: Like I'm not trying to force my teen to come home on time or turn their homework in.
• 12:33
  Ben: I'm just trying to create a situation where they have the power to choose, and based on that choice, they also have the power to earn a privilege, which I provide as a dad.
• 12:46
  Ben: This form of boundary setting, it actually empowers your teenager.
• 12:52
  Ben: It also empowers you as a parent.
• 12:54
  Ben: Cortni, did I read your face correctly?
• 12:56
  Ben: Did you have something you wanted to add?
• 12:58
  Cort: you did read my face correctly It's ironic that we're talking about this cause just yesterday I was talking to my best friend about little kids They're nine and seven We both have a
• 13:06
  Ben: I don't remember this conversation.
• 13:08
  Ben: You were talking to me about this.
• 13:09
  Cort: My other
• 13:10
  Ben: Oh.
• 13:10
  Ben: Oh, gotcha.
• 13:11
  Ben: Kay.
• 13:11
  Ben: Kay.
• 13:12
  Ben: Sorry.
• 13:12
  Cort: yes Sorry I shoulda have clarified but we were talking about our little kids and how so many kids including our own are entitled in so many ways And I was like girl we have to get on this and set the boundaries or make these changes She's like it's too late Like I'm gonna get so much pushback And I was like you it is not too late So I was gonna ask you like do you ever think it's too late to set boundaries or make a shift in your parenting I know how I feel but
• 13:38
  Ben: Yeah, this is a good question.
• 13:39
  Ben: I, when I share like boundaries with parents and they're like, how do your kids do that?
• 13:46
  Ben: I'm like, we got lucky.
• 13:48
  Ben: We started relatively young, but my oldest like was on a mission to give me and my wife a run for our money.
• 13:56
  Ben: I wouldn't say that it's ever too late, but I would say this.
• 14:01
  Ben: Like, I had a mom the other day that was like, my kid won't do anything.
• 14:06
  Ben: I ask.
• 14:07
  Ben: And he, I can't even remember what he did.
• 14:10
  Ben: And she's like, so I held out my phone on or my hand, and I'm like, gimme your phone.
• 14:14
  Ben: And the kid gives her a phone or gives her his phone.
• 14:19
  Ben: This kid is like six four big football player.
• 14:23
  Ben: I'm like, man.
• 14:24
  Ben: What would've happened if he wouldn't have given you your phone?
• 14:28
  Ben: His phone.
• 14:28
  Ben: Like, could you wrestle him to the ground and take that from him?
• 14:32
  Ben: And she's like, no.
• 14:33
  Ben: And I'm like, your kid is actually more willing to do what you asked.
• 14:37
  Ben: Like he didn't have to give you his phone and yet he chose to.
• 14:41
  Ben: And she's like, oh yeah.
• 14:44
  Ben: The thing is, if you try and take too much of your teens.
• 14:49
  Ben: Power and autonomy, they will take their power back using drastic measures.
• 14:55
  Ben: And this is really good for us as parents because there are things that you think you can control that your teen is like, no, I'll just crawl out the window.
• 15:04
  Ben: It's like, oh dang.
• 15:06
  Ben: Yeah.
• 15:06
  Ben: It turns out I can control the front door, but I can't control whether or not you leave the house.
• 15:11
  Ben: So if you choose to leave the house, I will not give you the wifi password.
• 15:17
  Ben: I can control that one.
• 15:18
  Ben: Well, guess what?
• 15:19
  Ben: You might be like, well, great.
• 15:21
  Ben: I'm gonna sneak outta the window, go to my friend's house where I know the wifi password.
• 15:26
  Ben: Yeah.
• 15:27
  Ben: Okay.
• 15:27
  Ben: Well, when you come home.
• 15:29
  Ben: Because I'm sure those people are gonna get sick of you because I'm already sick of you.
• 15:33
  Ben: So it's only a matter of time before they get sick of you.
• 15:36
  Ben: When you get home.
• 15:37
  Ben: Here are the boundaries.
• 15:38
  Ben: And the secret is like, doesn't matter how old your kids are, I'm working with one mom.
• 15:43
  Ben: She's like my kid's 19.
• 15:45
  Ben: Yeah.
• 15:45
  Ben: Well, he still lives at your house.
• 15:46
  Ben: He still benefits from all of these privileges.
• 15:50
  Ben: You just need to get madder or you need to get better.
• 15:53
  Ben: Don't get mad.
• 15:54
  Ben: Boundaries when you're mad don't work.
• 15:55
  Ben: You just need to get better at managing what's within your control and let him manage what's within his control.
• 16:02
  Ben: And here's the crazy thing, if your kid is older, like let's say 16 and older, and you've never had this boundary conversation.
• 16:11
  Ben: And they just thought like all of the privileges in life were rights.
• 16:15
  Ben: And they're like, I just deserve all of it.
• 16:17
  Ben: And then you have the rights and privileges conversation, and then you set a boundary that's like, Hey, if you blank, I will blank.
• 16:26
  Ben: And they're like, what the Like they just get all mad.
• 16:29
  Ben: Well, of course, like this is new to them.
• 16:32
  Ben: You just completely changed their reality.
• 16:35
  Ben: The truth is, I have coached moms that have like 37-year-old children that still need to set a boundary, and it's not too late it, it is never too late.
• 16:46
  Ben: I actually coached, like this is a crazy thing about coaching parents and teens.
• 16:50
  Ben: Almost everybody fits into that and I coached.
• 16:53
  Ben: A married, like a mother, a wife, and she's like, I gotta set a boundary with my husband.
• 16:59
  Ben: Like, yeah.
• 16:59
  Ben: Like better now than ever.
• 17:01
  Ben: Let's get started.
• 17:02
  Ben: So, no, it's not too late.
• 17:05
  Ben: But yes, it is slightly easier the younger you start.
• 17:09
  Ben: But Cortni and I were talking about this before we hit record.
• 17:13
  Ben: Boundaries aren't the type of thing that you just set it and forget it.
• 17:17
  Ben: Like my kids are pretty well trained.
• 17:19
  Ben: I have a 17-year-old, the same one I was just telling you that thinks his parents are idiot.
• 17:23
  Ben: It's like we are having to revisit the boundary thing and it's nice when it can be simple and it can be clear and it's just simply, Hey, if you do that, I will blank.
• 17:36
  Ben: You have the power to do that.
• 17:38
  Ben: Like I'm not trying to control whether or not you do that, but if you do do that, here's how I will.
• 17:44
  Ben: Here's who I will be.
• 17:46
  Ben: Okay.
• 17:46
  Cort: Yeah agree And if you get pushback I mean that's just normal right That's a normal response to something that new or they don't like That doesn't mean you don't do it One thing that you have taught me that has really come in handy is asking my children like getting them involved with I don't wanna say the word consequence cause we're not talking about consequences but getting them involved
• 18:09
  Ben: So I.
• 18:10
  Cort: asked my son like what do you think is fair as a consequence for this Or if this boundary is broken what do you think is fair what should we do And he will Come up with things At first he's like I don't know I don't care I don't know But now he will actually give me input because I think he realizes it does hold some weight
• 18:28
  Ben: That is the quickest way to get buy-in.
• 18:30
  Ben: By the way, we're gonna talk about that here in just a minute real quick.
• 18:33
  Ben: So I want to talk to you about a few pitfalls when it comes to this, because as simple as this formula is, parents mess it up all the time, and I don't want that to be you.
• 18:46
  Ben: I don't want you to fall into this trap where you're sabotaging yourself.
• 18:49
  Ben: So the first pitfall is a lot of parents think that.
• 18:53
  Ben: Boundaries are meant to control their teenager, and if your goal is to make your teenager behave, you've lost boundaries are not about controlling them, they're about empowering them to make a decision and empowering you to be the parent that you want to be.
• 19:13
  Ben: The second pitfall, making boundaries too complicated.
• 19:17
  Ben: I had one mom.
• 19:19
  Ben: If she's listening to this podcast, I want you to know I still love you.
• 19:22
  Ben: You're fantastic.
• 19:24
  Ben: She had an Excel spreadsheet about boundaries.
• 19:28
  Ben: It was too complicated, too long.
• 19:30
  Ben: There are multiple rules, like you want to be clear.
• 19:34
  Ben: If it's too complicated, your teen doesn't actually know what matters, and it's, it's hard for you.
• 19:41
  Ben: It's hard for your teen.
• 19:42
  Ben: Simple equals clear.
• 19:44
  Ben: Clear equals effective.
• 19:46
  Ben: Another pitfall not following through.
• 19:49
  Ben: We talked about this one, my boundary, where I'm like, guys, if you keep fighting, I'm gonna throw the Xbox away crappy, stupid boundary.
• 19:55
  Ben: I was not willing to follow through, so get really good at.
• 20:00
  Ben: Making it something that you are willing to follow through on.
• 20:04
  Ben: Guess what?
• 20:05
  Ben: Most of us listening to this podcast, we were able to go on a date, be away from home for several hours without a cell phone.
• 20:15
  Ben: I'm just saying kids, they can manage.
• 20:18
  Ben: So make sure that there's something you are willing to follow up on.
• 20:24
  Ben: Another pitfall focusing on what you cannot control.
• 20:28
  Ben: You can't control your teen's attitude, their effort, their choices, any of that.
• 20:32
  Ben: So don't build boundaries like, yeah, that, that fits in that first line.
• 20:37
  Ben: If you, whatever I can't control, then I will.
• 20:41
  Ben: But don't try and reinforce a boundary with a consequence that you cannot control.
• 20:48
  Ben: And the last one.
• 20:49
  Ben: I get this all the time, especially with members of my church.
• 20:55
  Ben: The Church of Jesus Christ are latter Day Saints, LDS people.
• 20:58
  Ben: Some people call us Mormons.
• 20:59
  Ben: I don't care.
• 21:00
  Ben: Whatever.
• 21:01
  Ben: Don't set a boundary just because your neighbors said that you should do it, or your church leader or your mother-in-law.
• 21:08
  Ben: Set boundaries that are in line with how you want to parent and who you want to be.
• 21:14
  Ben: Just because a church leader suggested it, or just because your mom's the relief Society president and she thinks you should parent this way, don't fall in that trap.
• 21:22
  Ben: Make sure your boundaries align with you, and if it's not aligned with you, don't do it.
• 21:30
  Ben: Your teen will feel you parenting out of alignment.
• 21:33
  Ben: Okay, so let's talk about leveling up your boundaries.
• 21:37
  Ben: Cortni jumped the gun here involving your teen.
• 21:40
  Ben: Instead of telling your teen like, Hey, here's what it is, start asking.
• 21:44
  Ben: Like one of the examples that I really like to ask my teens, especially with the curfew thing, why do you think I want you to be home on time according?
• 21:52
  Ben: What was your answer to that?
• 21:54
  Cort: I nothing good happens after midnight
• 21:56
  Ben: Yeah.
• 21:57
  Cort: and I think we both agreed so that we can go to bed
• 21:59
  Ben: Yeah, that, that was my excuse.
• 22:01
  Ben: Cortni's, nothing good happens after midnight.
• 22:04
  Ben: Mine is, I just want to go to bed.
• 22:06
  Ben: Like let your teen explore that.
• 22:08
  Ben: Hey, why do you think I want you home on time?
• 22:11
  Ben: Why do you think I don't want you fighting with your siblings?
• 22:13
  Ben: Why do you think like let them explore and practice thinking like an adult.
• 22:19
  Ben: Now they're thinking, now they're engaged.
• 22:21
  Ben: Another little secret hack.
• 22:24
  Ben: Help them think ahead of time.
• 22:26
  Ben: What do you think will be the hardest part when it comes to coming home on time?
• 22:30
  Ben: What do you think the hardest thing will be about?
• 22:32
  Ben: Staying caught up with your, your homework.
• 22:35
  Ben: Now your coaching instead of controlling your teenager, and this is one that Cortni talked about, let your teen help create the consequence.
• 22:46
  Ben: And here's something to remember about consequences.
• 22:49
  Ben: Consequences are neutral.
• 22:52
  Ben: There's good ones and there's not so good ones.
• 22:55
  Ben: Like what do you think?
• 22:56
  Ben: Like one of the things, it's not exactly the same, but I'll ask my kids like, how would it benefit you to come home late?
• 23:04
  Ben: They're like, it won't.
• 23:05
  Ben: I'll get in trouble.
• 23:06
  Ben: I'm like, no, no.
• 23:06
  Ben: There's a benefit there.
• 23:07
  Ben: What could it be?
• 23:09
  Ben: Oh, I get to hang out with my friends longer.
• 23:11
  Ben: I get to have more fun.
• 23:12
  Ben: Yeah.
• 23:12
  Ben: Awesome.
• 23:13
  Ben: What's the benefit if you actually come home on time?
• 23:16
  Ben: Oh, I'll get to use the car again and go hang out with my friends and have fun tomorrow night.
• 23:21
  Ben: Yeah.
• 23:21
  Ben: Now, which benefit do you want?
• 23:22
  Ben: Like you're just empowering your teen to increase their awareness so they can make better choices.
• 23:30
  Ben: And here's the thing, you'll be surprised if you ask your teen, like what do you think is a fair consequence if you come home late?
• 23:36
  Ben: Once they get good at this, they'll actually give you pretty good answers.
• 23:40
  Ben: Sometimes they'll be more strict than you would be, and then you can position yourself as the good guy.
• 23:47
  Ben: another tip to level up your boundaries, have the rights versus privileges conversation.
• 23:52
  Ben: This is huge.
• 23:53
  Ben: Help them understand that privileges are earned and they're connected to their choices.
• 23:58
  Ben: So if you come home late.
• 24:01
  Ben: That's connected to a privilege that I control that helps your teen understand, oh, this is actually kinda fair.
• 24:08
  Ben: And it's not just random.
• 24:10
  Ben: That mom's making up on the spot.
• 24:12
  Ben: Now I have a football meeting to go to, so cornea gotta go quick.
• 24:16
  Cort: Okay
• 24:16
  Ben: What do you think about setting unpopular boundaries with your teen?
• 24:19
  Ben: I think it's necessary.
• 24:21
  Cort: but I think it's setting a good example for them you setting boundaries and sticking to them will hopefully empower your teen in other areas of their life to set boundaries and hold them even if it's the unpopular boundary
• 24:34
  Ben: Yeah, the example I always give, I have a daughter.
• 24:37
  Ben: She's gonna be a teenager someday.
• 24:39
  Ben: She's gonna go out with a boy someday.
• 24:41
  Ben: And I know boys, I know what's on their minds and it just scares me.
• 24:45
  Ben: I hope that if she's ever with a boy and he is getting frisky and going a little too far, and she's like, Hey, stop.
• 24:51
  Ben: And he is like, no, I don't wanna stop.
• 24:53
  Ben: I'm hoping she can set an unpopular boundary and be like, look, if you don't stop, I will never go out with you again.
• 25:00
  Ben: In fact, I'll never talk to you again.
• 25:02
  Ben: It is an unpopular boundary.
• 25:03
  Ben: The boy's gonna be disappointed.
• 25:05
  Ben: Unhappy whatever.
• 25:06
  Ben: I want her to understand through experience because I've set boundaries with her that were unpopular and she was mad and she called me names and yeah, I'm your dad.
• 25:16
  Ben: This is who I'm going to be, and I want her to have that example so she can be like, yeah, I'm not okay with that.
• 25:22
  Ben: This is who I'm going to be.
• 25:24
  Ben: I don't care how much you whine, complain, whatever.
• 25:27
  Ben: So setting boundaries, it's important because how you set boundaries as a parent will model and provide the example that your teens need to be able to set boundaries even when their friends push back, even when people are upset.
• 25:43
  Ben: So how you set boundaries is how your teen learns to set their boundaries.
• 25:50
  Ben: If you fold, they're gonna fold.
• 25:52
  Ben: That's just how it works.
• 25:53
  Ben: But if you can be like, no, no, I'm gonna stand my ground on this.
• 25:57
  Ben: Your teen will learn that.
• 25:59
  Ben: Okay.
• 25:59
  Ben: I know it's like that old song.
• 26:02
  Ben: Anyways, I'm not gonna sing that for you.
• 26:04
  Ben: let's wrap this up.
• 26:06
  Ben: If you are repeating yourself all the time, you probably don't have a boundary that's simple enough.
• 26:12
  Ben: Strong enough to really help motivate your teen, and that's not a teen failure.
• 26:17
  Ben: In fact, it's not even a parenting failure.
• 26:20
  Ben: It's just information.
• 26:21
  Ben: It's signaling to you that, Hey, we can tighten this up.
• 26:25
  Ben: I can give my teen more power to choose and I can follow through with a consequence.
• 26:32
  Ben: This helps you go from frustration as a parent.
• 26:35
  Ben: To leadership and modeling.
• 26:39
  Ben: This helps you go from trying to change your teen to deciding who you are going to be regardless of how your teen shows up.
• 26:46
  Ben: And these boundaries, they're not about controlling your teen, they're about empowering your teen.
• 26:51
  Ben: And when you empower your teen, you also empower yourself.
• 26:56
  Ben: Okay.
• 26:56
  Ben: That's everything we got for you on boundaries Cortni, any last words
• 27:01
  Cort: Nope Set a boundary and stick with practicing
• 27:05
  Ben: Ah, Ooh, really good one.
• 27:06
  Ben: Guys, if you haven't set boundaries, this is going to be a sucky conversation at the beginning.
• 27:12
  Ben: I'm sorry.
• 27:13
  Ben: But the more your teen starts to get with the program, the more they're gonna realize, oh, dang, I can earn more privileges.
• 27:19
  Ben: By following these boundaries, I'm telling you, it will empower your teen.
• 27:24
  Ben: Okay.
• 27:25
  Ben: Thank you for being here.
• 27:26
  Ben: You guys are fantastic.
• 27:28
  Ben: If this podcast episode or any of the podcast episodes has been helpful, please go leave us a five star review.
• 27:34
  Ben: It helps other parents just like you find the help that they've been looking for and written reviews help even more than stars.
• 27:43
  Ben: And feel free, share this podcast.
• 27:46
  Ben: Let's all work together on this mission to help as many parents of teenagers as possible.
• 27:52
  Ben: We'll talk to you guys soon.