Latest / Planning Out Loud: A Wedding Planning Podcast / 2. The Guilt & Joy of Wedding Planning

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2. The Guilt & Joy of Wedding Planning · Planning Out Loud: A Wedding Planning Podcast

• 0:00
  Kristy Silva: Does wedding planning ever make you feel guilty?
• 0:02
  Kristy Silva: Or have people close to you questioned your reasons for spending so much money or even having a wedding at all, or telling you things like, "We just eloped"?
• 0:11
  Kristy Silva: Do you find yourself thinking, "Is all this even worth it for just a single day?" Well, you're not alone in those feelings, and that's because wedding planning can feel very isolating.
• 0:22
  Kristy Silva: And that's because, let's be honest, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do.
• 0:27
  Kristy Silva: And I'm so sorry if I'm the first person who has told you this, but I do hope you're listening because it's true.
• 0:33
  Kristy Silva: And now you might be thinking, "Great start. Kristy, I feel better already." And I know that's not exactly a joyful place to start, but this is an important piece of the puzzle, as we unpack wedding planning guilt, which is exactly what we're doing in today's episode Welcome to the Planning Out Loud podcast.
• 0:57
  Kristy Silva: I'm your host and friendly neighborhood wedding planner, Kristy Silva, owner of Kinfete Weddings and Events, and today we're talking about wedding planning guilt, what causes it, and some ways to deal with it.
• 1:07
  Kristy Silva: And here's the thing about this topic.
• 1:09
  Kristy Silva: I thought a lot about what I wanted my first solo episode of this podcast to be, and I definitely thought to myself that maybe wedding planning guilt was a bit too heavy to just drop out there, um, as part of the launch.
• 1:22
  Kristy Silva: But the more that I thought about it, the more clear it became to me that this is exactly the kind of episode that I want to be putting out there from the start, because I want you to know that we are having real, honest conversations here.
• 1:37
  Kristy Silva: I started this podcast because I want to literally plan out loud.
• 1:43
  Kristy Silva: I want you to hear about actual, real wedding planning experiences, not just the glitz and glam that the internet mostly shows you.
• 1:50
  Kristy Silva: And I know that this conversation is important and it's relevant because my team and I are having it with so many of our couples that we work with.
• 1:59
  Kristy Silva: We have folks opening up to us about this sense of guilt or other negative emotions, you know, that bubble up during wedding planning.
• 2:07
  Kristy Silva: And in my experience, these feelings seem to stem from either this macro or micro level, and by that I mean either just like the country or world at large, or on a micro level, from friends and family.
• 2:21
  Kristy Silva: So let's start macro, and let's be honest, we are mostly talking about politics here, which I know, again, a heavy hitter for episode two of a wedding planning podcast.
• 2:31
  Kristy Silva: But the vibe out here has kind of been, "The world is burning, and I'm being asked to pick a napkin fold." And you know what?
• 2:40
  Kristy Silva: Valid, because yes, there are a million things more important than the napkins at your wedding, but your wedding isn't about the napkins, right?
• 2:50
  Kristy Silva: It's not about all of the little decisions that you're being asked to make through this process.
• 2:55
  Kristy Silva: And so I actually am going to ask you a question.
• 2:58
  Kristy Silva: What is your wedding about?
• 3:01
  Kristy Silva: No, really.
• 3:03
  Kristy Silva: Why are you having a wedding?
• 3:05
  Kristy Silva: Because the answer isn't, "Because I love my partner, and I wanna marry them," because you don't need to have a wedding to have a marriage.
• 3:13
  Kristy Silva: So if that's the reason, then you can just trot right on over to the courthouse and, uh, bada boom, bada bing, uh, you're married.
• 3:19
  Kristy Silva: So why are you having a wedding?
• 3:22
  Kristy Silva: Why are you inviting all these people to come together?
• 3:25
  Kristy Silva: I bet it's because you wanna celebrate, because you want your two worlds to come together in a physical place for one day as this, you know, symbolic gesture for the way that you are spiritually and emotionally choosing to blend your lives.
• 3:42
  Kristy Silva: Now, what about that should make you feel guilty?
• 3:46
  Kristy Silva: You want joy and happiness in this economy?
• 3:52
  Kristy Silva: Like, yeah, of course, you do.
• 3:54
  Kristy Silva: So does everybody else.
• 3:55
  Kristy Silva: So thank god that someone like you is choosing to bring people together because we all know that there's just truly not enough of that these days.
• 4:03
  Kristy Silva: And if you haven't listened to my conversation with Meghan and Adri, which is in episode one, please do.
• 4:10
  Kristy Silva: We talk about exactly this and how they had guests who told them how grateful they were for their wedding as just, like, a place of reprieve and to be able to have fun and not worry about all the things that there are to worry about for even just one day and just how powerful that is.
• 4:27
  Kristy Silva: And, I mean, as far as I'm concerned, wanting a reason to celebrate is enough of a reason to celebrate, but that's just me.
• 4:35
  Kristy Silva: Now, switching gears to the micro level, because I do think that this is much easier to say when we're talking about, you know, defiant joy in the face of a shitty world, but it's different when the guilt is coming from close to home, when it's on, you know, it's coming from friends and family, like I mentioned earlier.
• 4:56
  Kristy Silva: Here, it gets much more complicated, especially with the emotional ties that come in with this conflict.
• 5:02
  Kristy Silva: And so I actually wanna drill down even further and kinda split this into two parts.
• 5:06
  Kristy Silva: With the first being when the guilt is actively being put on you by someone else, and then the second being when you're mostly just putting it on yourself and it's more internal.
• 5:16
  Kristy Silva: If you have people in your life who are actively making wedding planning less fun for you or more stressful for you, please stop talking to them about your wedding.
• 5:24
  Kristy Silva: Don't give them updates.
• 5:26
  Kristy Silva: Don't give them a reason to give their opinion.
• 5:30
  Kristy Silva: And if they don't need a reason, and they're giving you unsolicited advice, you can just give them, you know, a cheery old, "Thanks so much for the idea. I'll keep that in mind," and then let it go.
• 5:40
  Kristy Silva: And if someone gives you the classic, "I would never spend that much on a wedding," resist the urge to justify yourself.
• 5:48
  Kristy Silva: You do not need to justify to anyone why you are spending your own money on your own party to celebrate your own marriage.
• 5:56
  Kristy Silva: And if you're spending someone else's money, even better.
• 6:00
  Kristy Silva: Then you really don't need to justify it to anyone who isn't the one who's opening their wallet.
• 6:04
  Kristy Silva: And the same goes for the reverse of "What do you mean you're not doing this?
• 6:08
  Kristy Silva: You're not spending money on that.
• 6:10
  Kristy Silva: Uh, you are having a, you know, you're having a dry wedding.
• 6:13
  Kristy Silva: You're not getting married in a church." Or, and I know this one really hurts some older folks for some reason, but not having cake.
• 6:19
  Kristy Silva: I mean, like, the amount of couples who tell me that the only reason they're having cake is because their parents insisted and swore that it was like, it's blasphemous to have a wedding without cake is, like, actually wild to me.
• 6:30
  Kristy Silva: Because like of all the things to care about at a wedding, why the cake?
• 6:33
  Kristy Silva: And like, I'm a dessert person.
• 6:34
  Kristy Silva: I love cake, love pie, ice cream, tiramisu.
• 6:37
  Kristy Silva: But whatever you're gonna have, like, why, why is, why is that where we're putting our foot down?
• 6:41
  Kristy Silva: But, uh, anyway, that's not the point.
• 6:43
  Kristy Silva: My point is that everyone has an opinion, and some people are just not good at keeping those opinions to themselves, so don't make that your problem.
• 6:53
  Kristy Silva: Now, what about when that guilt is coming from, you know, somewhere more genuine?
• 7:00
  Kristy Silva: It's coming from a place of caring about other people and being worried that maybe your wedding is drawing attention away from someone's hardship.
• 7:08
  Kristy Silva: And sadly, you know, I have had and do have many couples who have someone in their life who's terminally ill.
• 7:15
  Kristy Silva: I'm reading the stories all the time on Reddit where someone's best friend is going through a tough time, and they're not sure what that means for how they're involved in the wedding.
• 7:25
  Kristy Silva: So how do you plan a wedding and include someone who means so much to you, who you want to be part of the experience while also holding space for that person?
• 7:35
  Kristy Silva: And this kind of guilt, more often than not, is internal, because I'm guessing that this person is not telling you that you shouldn't be having a wedding or to not involve them in your wedding.
• 7:47
  Kristy Silva: But you may be just struggling with that discomfort of the joy that you feel from your wedding, but then the pain that you feel from the suffering that you or someone close to you is experiencing, and that is really hard.
• 7:59
  Kristy Silva: But in my experience, people are grateful to have a reason to celebrate, to have a positive reason to bring family and friends together.
• 8:08
  Kristy Silva: Because honestly, there are actually very few things that people will take off work, travel, and spend money on that isn't a wedding or a funeral.
• 8:20
  Kristy Silva: And, like, regardless of how you feel about the truth of that, you know that it's true.
• 8:25
  Kristy Silva: And so at least this is for something that's joyful, that's happy, and I think people are really seeking that, are seeking opportunities to come together in community.
• 8:37
  Kristy Silva: In practice, what does moving forward with these emotions look like?
• 8:43
  Kristy Silva: Number one, I'd say, is be very intentional about who you're involving in your wedding planning and how you are involving them, both for your own sake and also for theirs.
• 8:53
  Kristy Silva: So this means creating some planning distance from people who are just bringing bad vibes and being thoughtful about what you're asking of people who have their own stuff going on.
• 9:04
  Kristy Silva: And I will say, though, that I do believe in not saying no for someone, right?
• 9:10
  Kristy Silva: Still ask that friend to be in your wedding party or ask that person to go dress shopping with you, but also give them an out and mean it.
• 9:18
  Kristy Silva: Let them know that you care about them and you want to include them in this experience and in your day, but you also understand if they can't show up for you in this way right now.
• 9:28
  Kristy Silva: Number two, have a very clear why behind your wedding.
• 9:32
  Kristy Silva: If you and your partner haven't sat down together and had this conversation, there is no time like the present.
• 9:38
  Kristy Silva: In one of my upcoming episodes, I'm actually going to be talking about the first three steps that you should take when wedding planning, and spoiler alert, this is one of them, having very clear intentions behind your wedding that serve as a solid foundation to make your decisions from.
• 9:55
  Kristy Silva: Because if you feel confident and secure in your why, you won't feel the need to explain or justify your decisions to anyone else because you'll know that you're acting in alignment with yourself and with your values.
• 10:09
  Kristy Silva: And number three, spend less time scrolling, okay?
• 10:15
  Kristy Silva: Chill on the Pinterest, TikTok, Instagram algorithm, because as you may have already learned, once the algorithm learns that you are wedding planning, it is over, okay?
• 10:25
  Kristy Silva: All the ideas and opinions, do this, don't do that.
• 10:28
  Kristy Silva: I'm better because I'm doing this, blah, blah, blah.
• 10:31
  Kristy Silva: It is, it is truly exhausting, and I get it because I've been there.
• 10:34
  Kristy Silva: And I also know that this is really rich coming from someone who is making a wedding planning podcast.
• 10:41
  Kristy Silva: But my goal here is to help you come up with your own opinions, not to tell you what I think that you should do and not do.
• 10:48
  Kristy Silva: And, you know, sure, I'll share my own opinion, as we go along.
• 10:51
  Kristy Silva: But the goal is for you to feel really good about the decisions that you're making for yourself.
• 10:55
  Kristy Silva: So to wrap this up, remember that two things can be true at once, that the world is hard and your love deserves to be celebrated, okay?
• 11:06
  Kristy Silva: Remember that feeling conflicted about all this just means that you care.
• 11:10
  Kristy Silva: And most importantly, remember that you do not need to justify your wedding to anyone, okay?
• 11:17
  Kristy Silva: Joy in the face of adversity is not optional.
• 11:20
  Kristy Silva: It's not a nice to have.
• 11:22
  Kristy Silva: It's truly a necessity for survival.
• 11:25
  Kristy Silva: So curate it, all right?
• 11:26
  Kristy Silva: Do that with your wedding.
• 11:27
  Kristy Silva: Use your wedding as an opportunity to curate joy.
• 11:30
  Kristy Silva: If any of this has resonated with you, I hope you'll send me a DM on Instagram at planningoutloudpod and tell me what hit home, what has this left you sitting with, what questions has this sparked for you?
• 11:44
  Kristy Silva: I wanna hear from you.
• 11:45
  Kristy Silva: And if you enjoyed today's episode, if you haven't already, make sure to hit that follow or subscribe button wherever it is that you're getting your podcasts so that you never miss an episode.
• 11:53
  Kristy Silva: Thank you for listening to the Planning Out Loud podcast.
• 11:56
  Kristy Silva: I'll catch you next time.
• 11:57
  Kristy Silva: Bye!