Latest / Arena Ablaze Podcast / From a Hardened Heart to Total Surrender | Marco’s Testimony

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From a Hardened Heart to Total Surrender | Marco’s Testimony · Arena Ablaze Podcast

0:00
I, a repentant sinner, renew and ratify today,
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in your hands, O Immaculate Mother, the vows
0:08
of my baptism.
0:10
I renounce Satan and resolve to follow Jesus
0:13
Christ even more closely than before.
0:17
Mary, I give you my heart, please set
0:20
it on fire with love for Jesus.
0:23
Make it always attentive to his burning thirst
0:26
for love and for souls.
0:28
Keep my heart, and your most pure heart,
0:31
that I may love Jesus and the members
0:34
of his body with your own perfect love.
0:37
Mary, I entrust myself totally to you, my
0:41
body and my soul, my goods, both interior
0:45
and exterior, and even the value of all
0:48
my good actions.
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Please make of me of all that I
0:52
am and have whatever most pleases you.
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Let me be a fit instrument in your
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immaculate and merciful hands for bringing the greatest
1:03
possible glory to God.
1:05
If I fall, please lead me back to
1:08
Jesus.
1:09
Wash me in the blood and water that
1:11
flow from his pure side, and help me
1:14
never to lose my trust in this fountain
1:17
of love and mercy.
1:19
With you, O Immaculate Mother, you who always
1:22
do the will of God, I unite myself
1:26
to the perfect consecration of Jesus as he
1:29
offers himself in the Spirit to the Father
1:32
for the life of the world.
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Amen.
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All right, so welcome into the arena.
1:46
This is the Arena Blaze podcast, and I'm
1:49
your host, Marko Sandoval.
1:51
Count of Monte Cristo.
1:53
Very much, thank you.
1:53
I am joined, as always, by my fellow
1:56
son of Muck, Todd Powers.
1:58
How are you doing today, Todd?
1:59
Good afternoon.
2:00
Thanks for stopping by.
2:03
Today we will be going through our Kerygma,
2:07
which is a fancy, it's a Greek word,
2:09
basically means proclamation, and it's to proclaim the
2:13
good news that Jesus Christ is alive and
2:16
has defeated sin and death.
2:19
It's about God's love, the problem of sin,
2:23
the solution, and the call to action.
2:26
So I was recently, I'm in a class,
2:29
let's see here, it's Evangelization, we call it
2:32
the Upper Room.
2:33
Fr.
2:33
Marshall at our church, he talked about the
2:36
Kerygma in terms of the hand, which I
2:38
think is a good visual for it.
2:40
So he talks in terms of the palm
2:42
being, you know, in the beginning God created
2:45
everything, created man in his own likeness and
2:49
image.
2:50
The pinky finger represents the man who is
2:53
weak, you know, but man was created weak.
2:57
The ring finger demonstrates love, God is love,
3:01
and he loves us.
3:03
The middle finger represents Jesus, that God sent
3:06
his only son to die for our sins
3:08
and for salvation.
3:10
The pointer finger is God sent the Holy
3:12
Spirit, so Jesus died, rose from the dead,
3:15
and he sent the Holy Spirit to us.
3:18
And then the thumb is, shows that we
3:20
must choose, we have to say yes to
3:22
God, we have to give our fiat, we
3:25
have to repent and believe in the good
3:27
news, so it requires a choice.
3:30
So I think that's a good representation if
3:33
you read the Acts of the Apostles, a
3:34
lot of like Peter's, Peter's preaching and Paul
3:39
often will always start with some beginning, not
3:43
always goes back to the beginning of creation,
3:45
a lot of times it goes back to
3:46
his own beginning, our own beginning and weakness,
3:49
but I think it's a good thing to
3:52
have running in your head when you're proclaiming
3:54
your story, your witness to other people and
3:56
so forth.
3:58
So we're going to be going over my
4:00
witness, my kerygma, so to speak.
4:03
Can't wait.
4:04
So, you know, we'll start with my life
4:08
before the change in my creation in the
4:13
beginning.
4:14
I was a young man or young boy
4:19
who was born into a family of divorce.
4:21
I have no memory or recollection of my
4:24
dad being in the home, my memory is
4:28
just me and my mom and vague memories
4:31
of visitations with my dad and my grandparents.
4:36
Tough way to grow up.
4:37
My mom was, you know, not only was
4:41
that, you know, my parents were divorced, but
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then my mom had a series of relationships
4:45
and multiple divorces.
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That was kind of my experience of marriage
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and family was my dad's not here.
4:54
You know, some of the men were good
4:58
men, fun to be around and I gained
5:00
things from, but they were not your dad.
5:03
So often they're trying to disciple you, show
5:07
you the way, you know, tell you what
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you can and can't do.
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And it's just very difficult coming from somebody
5:13
who's not your father, taking that instruction.
5:15
So, you know, I kind of grew up,
5:17
grew up that way.
5:18
And my father is an alcoholic, he was,
5:22
that was a source of the divorce, but
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then that continued to be an issue for
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him, kind of throughout his life and throughout
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my upbringing in high school.
5:30
So, you know, one of my creation stories
5:33
that I remember from being little was being
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at my grandma's house, visiting my dad.
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He went out to get groceries, he was
5:40
going to the grocery store, he's going to
5:41
be right back.
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So, you know, I'm little, I don't even
5:44
know how old I am, but I'm sitting
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up on the couch at the window watching
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the cars go by, car comes, I'm thinking
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that's my dad and it goes by, it's
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not my dad, next car comes, I'm waiting
5:55
at the window, it's my dad, it's not
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my dad.
5:57
So I do that for hours until I
5:59
kind of fall asleep.
6:00
And then I wake up to my grandma,
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my dad having a little shouting match because,
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you know, he said he was going to
6:08
the grocery store and he went to the
6:09
bar, didn't come back.
6:10
So, you know, that, those type of things,
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you know, what that really did to me
6:16
is kind of damaged my relationship to love,
6:19
to fatherhood, to family, I kind of always
6:22
just didn't trust in it, I guess.
6:26
I didn't have a solid foundation in it,
6:28
always had to have a backup plan or
6:31
didn't believe I was good enough.
6:33
That's probably what it really created in my
6:35
mind was, you know, I'm not good enough
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to come back for, or, you know, I'm
6:41
not good enough for people to stay together
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for me.
6:44
And so that very dangerous thing that made
6:50
it to where I was terrible at relationships
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with this fear of abandonment, had a bad
6:55
relationship with love, didn't really understand what love
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was, wasn't enduring in my mind.
7:00
Now, the crazy thing about all that is
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it never impacted my relationship with God.
7:04
There are so many men that I've talked
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to that don't have a good father figure
7:09
in their life and that really impairs their
7:11
understanding of who God is and God's place
7:16
in his life.
7:16
That was never me from, you know, my
7:19
mom, to her great credit, she chose Catholicism
7:23
for me.
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So we don't come from a Catholic family,
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but she thought Catholicism is the truth.
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And so this is what I want my
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son to be.
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So she had me baptized a little bit
7:34
later.
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So what is your cultural background?
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Is it Latin, Cuban, Mexican, Spanish?
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Spanish to Mexico.
7:44
The story I have is, you know, I
7:46
have a Spanish grandpa from way back when
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that came to Mexico, red-haired.
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I was always stuck in my mind, a
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red-haired Spanish grandfather, came to Mexico and
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married an Aztec woman and we kind of
8:00
came from those people.
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So if you see my dad's family, they're
8:04
all, I'm very tall compared to them and
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they do look very Indian in nature.
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So yeah, it's kind of, it's another tough
8:15
thing of having a broken family.
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I don't really know that.
8:17
Those are like little pieces of stories I've
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been told and I kind of cling on
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to.
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Are they true?
8:24
Are they rude in fact?
8:25
I don't really know.
8:26
But that's, you know, I kind of later
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went and looked in Spain and my last
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name, Sandoval, comes from Sandoval de la Reina,
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Spain, so it's kind of northern Spain where
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the last name comes from.
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And so what do you think, if your
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mom didn't have any religious background, what do
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you think, which is, when you think about
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the culture and the Latin background, you would
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think they would automatically be Catholic.
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Was there any Catholics in her family?
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No.
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No, we're Baptist.
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My grandfather and my grandmother too, I think
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Baptist, Mennonite, German Mennonite and Baptist, that's kind
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of where my mom came from.
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My dad's side, I believe they were Catholic,
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but they were the type of Catholics that
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it wasn't, they weren't practicing, it wasn't central
9:15
in their life type of Catholicism.
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And of course, being a broken family, I
9:19
never saw that from them and kind of
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didn't really get that until later.
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Have you asked your mom what made her
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decide, did she just decide to go to
9:29
a Catholic parish?
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She just thought it was the truth.
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She just studied some religions and been around
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it.
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My grandpa in particular was kind of a
9:40
seeker and looking around at different religions and
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stuff and she just thought that the Catholic
9:45
faith was the true faith that went back
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to the apostles and she just thought it
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was the truth.
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And so she wanted me to be baptized
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Catholic and she became Catholic too.
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But that's something I really love my mom
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for because that's not, that wasn't, she made
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that happen.
10:02
Did you grow up in Valley Center or
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Wichita?
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I started out off of Salina there and
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kind of like 29th and Arkansas, Arkansas area.
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I went to Cloud Elementary for a little
10:15
while until about first grade and then we
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moved to Halstead.
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So I grew up in Halstead, Kansas, Sacred
10:21
Heart Parish for second to sixth grade and
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so that's where I was catechized.
10:27
It was just me and a nun.
10:28
I didn't have a class that I went
10:31
through for First Communion, I just went to
10:32
classes with a nun.
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And the rectory and then made my First
10:36
Communion and then I could serve in second
10:38
grade.
10:38
That's what I really remember.
10:40
I loved to serve.
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And so I, you know, I look back
10:44
and think I had a real curiosity and
10:46
reverence for God from the time I was
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little.
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I used to ride my bike up there
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and hope people didn't show up so I
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could serve, mass, fill in.
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The kids wouldn't show up.
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Yeah.
10:56
So I was really into the serving thing
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and served all the way until I was
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16 years old, served the altar.
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Of course, as older you got, you were
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kind of like, I'm like two feet taller
11:07
than the rest of these and I'm kind
11:08
of ready to retire.
11:09
But yeah, that was definitely, definitely it.
11:15
So kind of, you know, I tell these
11:17
girls I coach, Satan's going to try and
11:19
come get you in your love early.
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I think it's lies, just like in the
11:24
Garden of Eden, it's lies and then often
11:27
lying to yourself.
11:28
And then it's love and sexuality is where
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he wants to pierce your heart with his
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poison.
11:33
And he got me that way for sure.
11:35
That impaired love and that kind of like
11:39
not really being true to love because I,
11:44
in my mind at that time, hadn't really
11:45
experienced it made me to where I was
11:48
looking for relationships to validate myself, but yet
11:51
never trusting in them.
11:52
So never investing in it.
11:56
And so I know there's a lot of
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young people that are like that, but I
12:01
grew up that way, kind of went from
12:03
relationship to relationship.
12:05
And when people, you know, like when I
12:07
would have a breakup, it would be very
12:09
difficult for me because it was just me
12:11
reliving that rejection, those rejection echoes that go
12:15
way back to my childhood.
12:16
So sometimes I would hang on or chase
12:19
people that maybe I didn't really care for
12:22
as much as it seemed because I was
12:24
chasing was more about losing something.
12:27
And so that, that kind of resulted in,
12:30
you know, relationships in high school.
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And then I ended up, you know, I
12:36
had a girlfriend that I was really fond
12:38
of in junior high and then we reconnected
12:41
in high school and it was a girl
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I wanted to marry.
12:45
And we, you know, she got pregnant right
12:48
after we graduated high school.
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And so my daughter came and as a
12:54
good Catholic boy, you know, I'm going to
12:56
get married and do things the right way.
12:58
So we got married, we got married in
13:00
the church even.
13:02
And just, you know, still trying to do
13:06
the right thing, trying to be a good
13:09
man, but having no idea how to do
13:11
it.
13:11
And so I just didn't, wasn't true to
13:17
my marriage.
13:18
Kind of a continued pattern of just, I
13:22
just didn't trust it, didn't trust it.
13:24
So I always felt like I had to
13:25
have something.
13:25
Did you say you weren't true?
13:26
You ran around on her?
13:27
Yeah, absolutely.
13:28
And so what made you, why do you
13:31
think you did that?
13:33
I think it was because I can't put
13:35
all my eggs in one basket because I
13:38
don't want to be sitting by the window
13:39
and somebody's not showing up.
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I've said this, a man is as faithful
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as his options and, you know, I've never
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had somebody give me the option of being
13:52
unfaithful.
13:53
I'd like to say that.
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Were you in positions where it came up
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or?
13:59
I mean, I'd say I never.
14:01
Were you looking for it?
14:01
I mean, I hate to be personal about
14:03
this, but.
14:04
I think it's important.
14:06
I think it's important for men.
14:08
You know, I never had problems with the
14:10
ladies.
14:10
I would say that, you know, I mean.
14:13
So yeah, there was always opportunities there, especially
14:15
when you're 18 and just graduated high school
14:18
and you're still in your hometown.
14:19
You're still surrounded by an environment that's familiar
14:22
and easy for you.
14:24
Beyond that, you know, it was just for
14:26
me, look, it was more of like a
14:30
defense mechanism.
14:31
It was a, I can't give myself, I'm
14:34
not going to be vulnerable enough to give
14:35
myself to somebody because I got to hold
14:38
something back or I've got to have a
14:41
backup plan because I don't believe that that
14:44
person is going to be there for me.
14:47
It all in my mind, and this is
14:49
years and years of prayer and thought, a
14:52
little bit of counseling.
14:53
It all just came back to kind of
14:57
that in the beginning, I felt like I
15:00
wasn't good enough.
15:02
And so here I am.
15:05
I got everything.
15:07
It's exciting and there's adrenaline, there's sexual adrenaline,
15:10
there's adrenaline, there's just something about all of
15:13
that that has this short-term fuel.
15:17
Well, it's habitual sin for sure.
15:19
So it's like, you know, what they call
15:22
that, I can't think of the name of
15:24
it, but basically like your heart is like
15:27
made of wax in this image and these
15:30
areas that you sin, that the devil gets
15:33
a hold of you, they kind of make
15:34
depressions on your heart so that these things
15:38
run to the low spot.
15:40
And so once you get into habitual sin,
15:42
it's really by grace.
15:44
I guess I spent many years trying to
15:46
white knuckle it.
15:47
I'm going to white knuckle it.
15:48
You know, I can change my phone number
15:51
and do all these different things to protect
15:54
myself.
15:54
But in the end, none of that really
15:57
matters.
15:58
Human behavior is remarkably consistent.
16:00
Yeah.
16:01
Yes.
16:02
It's been my experience that only great pain,
16:06
great emotional pain changes that ship of emotional
16:09
behavior.
16:11
Something happens, a catastrophic failure where that behavior,
16:17
a person is forced to change because they
16:19
don't want to experience that pain anymore.
16:23
Yeah.
16:24
So, you know, needless to say, my marriage
16:27
fell apart.
16:28
You know, I went through a divorce, so
16:31
I was married at basically 18.
16:33
By the time I was 20, I went
16:35
through a divorce, had my daughter.
16:38
And so that was, you know, traumatizing.
16:42
All of a sudden you don't have your
16:43
daughter, you're, you know, I'm trying to work
16:46
it out.
16:47
Were you attached to her?
16:49
Did you bond with her?
16:50
Did she bond with you?
16:52
Oh yeah, absolutely.
16:53
And then I continued that because I, you
16:57
know, bless my dad and my mom even,
17:00
you know, a lot of times I think
17:01
and look back and it's over many years
17:04
of pondering these things, they were doing the
17:06
best they could with, we're all broken in
17:08
some degree at our core.
17:10
And so, you know, they were doing the
17:12
best they could at that time.
17:15
But I was very formed in my mind
17:18
that I did not want to be the
17:20
type of dad that I experienced growing up.
17:22
So I was going to do whatever I
17:25
could to be a part of my daughter's
17:27
life.
17:29
So yeah, you know, that was a long,
17:32
you know, I'm trying to work it out.
17:34
Even after we were divorced, still trying to
17:36
work it out, you know, we were kind
17:38
of trying to work it out, but mostly
17:39
it was probably me just in delusion, you
17:41
know, that I could work that out and
17:43
I had broken it, fractured it.
17:46
So, you know, many years down the road,
17:48
they moved away for a time to Kansas
17:51
City.
17:52
So every other weekend I'm on the road
17:54
picking up my daughter, coming back, picking up
17:57
my daughter, coming back.
17:58
I never missed a weekend.
17:59
I kind of oriented my whole life around
18:01
that.
18:01
So it would have been, you know, it
18:03
was just never an option not to be
18:05
there for her.
18:06
So I, you know, I was still doing
18:07
plenty of things, plenty of, you know, party
18:10
guy things with the friends on the weekends,
18:13
but the, you know, the weekends that I
18:15
had my daughter, all that was pushed to
18:18
the side and I went and got her.
18:20
And so we had a lot of time
18:21
riding in the car, bonding and just spend
18:25
time together.
18:26
It's been a wonderful thing, but it's also,
18:28
you know, very emotionally traumatic thing at such
18:31
a young age to go through.
18:32
I'm in college at that time.
18:34
You know, I, when I went through my
18:36
divorce, I took a semester off of school,
18:38
I dropped my classes and then I went
18:41
up to Manhattan for a semester to just
18:43
try and get away, get my mind right,
18:46
trying to figure out what I was going
18:47
to do.
18:48
And I got most of those credits, but
18:51
not all of them transferred back to Wichita
18:53
and finished my degree.
18:54
So I didn't miss much of a beat,
18:56
but yeah, it was a hard, it was
18:59
a hard road to, road to hoe for
19:01
sure.
19:03
So you know, I guess on the back
19:05
end of that, again, you go through all
19:07
that trauma in a marriage that falls apart
19:09
and you know, you're the reason why it
19:10
fell apart.
19:12
And I'm back in this posture of a
19:15
place where I don't ever want to be
19:16
married again.
19:17
Like I am not capable of it.
19:19
Like I'm not a good person.
19:21
I'm not, I just don't want to ever
19:23
go through that pain again.
19:24
So yeah, I kind of went years that
19:26
way until I met my current wife and
19:31
we got, you know, and that was a
19:34
deal in the beginning of our relationship.
19:35
Like, you know, she was trying to come
19:39
close to me and I was trying to
19:40
keep her at arm's length and you know,
19:43
there's a lot of mixed signals in that.
19:46
But I would always be like, oh, it's
19:48
not really about you.
19:50
It's about me because I knew I was
19:52
still kind of that same guy.
19:55
And I was, I did not want to
19:57
let somebody down and again, and I really
20:01
could see the goodness in my wife and
20:05
loved her and respected her and, and I
20:08
was just, did not love and respect myself
20:11
because it kind of where I was trapped
20:13
at.
20:13
But it's important to say that, you know,
20:16
through all that, I prayed so much.
20:18
I never lost my faith.
20:19
I went to confession, I confessed all of
20:21
those sins and continued to confess.
20:25
I had, I would have had no chance
20:27
without the grace of confession.
20:28
You know, there would be times I'd go
20:30
to confession and I would know that probably
20:34
I'm not going to be able to amend,
20:36
like I'm just stuck in a situation.
20:38
But sometimes you'll have people tell you that,
20:41
you know, you don't go to confession unless
20:43
you're truly sorry for your sins.
20:44
I was always truly sorry if you were
20:46
going to make changes to do something different.
20:49
And I always had that intention, but knew
20:51
that probably wasn't going to happen.
20:54
But with habitual sins, if you don't go
20:57
drink from that font of grace, I think
21:00
it's, it's folly to think that you're going
21:03
to get to a place where, okay, now
21:05
I'm ready.
21:06
Now I've, I've, I've resolved on my own
21:09
that I'm going to make the changes necessary.
21:12
Now I can walk into the confessional and
21:14
receive grace.
21:15
Like you need grace to have a fighting
21:17
chance.
21:18
Going back into the confessional is like being
21:20
a scrub on a sports team where you
21:21
know you're not going to play.
21:23
You're never going to start.
21:24
You're never going to get in the game,
21:26
but every effing game you suit up and
21:28
you sit on the bench and you're like,
21:30
you want to play, but you're just not
21:33
good enough to play.
21:34
And it'd be easy to quit.
21:36
It'd be easy not to go back to
21:37
the confessional, but you continue to show up
21:40
because you're on the, you're on the team.
21:42
The hard thing to do, uh, as a
21:46
practicing Christian, uh, is to continue to profess
21:51
those thoughts to another human being.
21:55
It's an intricate part of 12 step programs
21:58
to write down your faults and share them
22:02
with another person.
22:03
It's, it's truly Catholic and going into that
22:09
confessional and being sorry because I felt this
22:13
and then wondering if I'm in the near
22:17
occasion of this, I don't know if I'm
22:19
going to be able to abstain.
22:24
The hard place to be and then, and
22:26
then the devil gets ahold of your brain
22:29
and he's like, what are you doing?
22:30
What are you doing?
22:31
Dummy?
22:33
Why do you want to go back?
22:35
You know, you're not, you, you know what
22:37
you're going to do.
22:39
Yeah.
22:39
You're going to go to the bar, you're
22:41
going to talk to the girl or whatever,
22:42
whatever it is.
22:44
That's a hundred percent correct.
22:45
Like he's the father of lies.
22:47
I'm just a scrub.
22:48
I'm, I'm, you know, I can relate to
22:50
that analogy of I'm on, I'm, I need
22:53
to be on the team.
22:54
If I quit showing up, I'm not on
22:56
the team anymore and then I got a
22:58
big problem.
22:59
I have no idea I would have survived
23:01
without sacrament of reconciliation because every time I
23:05
walk in there, I used to go down
23:07
to the cathedral and I have a priest
23:10
down there with the Irish accent and I
23:12
just go in there and I just felt
23:15
so good and I just feel a movement
23:17
in my heart.
23:17
I've been that way ever since I was
23:18
little.
23:19
This goes back to serving mass, receiving communion.
23:23
Anytime I come into the sacraments, I always
23:26
ask everyone around me, you know, we just
23:27
had these adults come through confirmation.
23:30
Did you feel something?
23:31
Did you feel it in your heart?
23:33
I mean, I always feel it.
23:34
I always feel a burning sensation in my
23:36
heart every time I come into the sacraments.
23:38
I experienced it today.
23:39
I went to confession this morning and my
23:42
confessions are kind of a struggle sometimes now
23:44
because I'm like, I have a trouble examining
23:47
my conscience even though I do plenty wrong.
23:51
It's just not as easy when you're doing
23:53
like the flesh things wrong.
23:56
It's more difficult when it's like the internal
23:59
pride, the really corrosive stuff that you're trying
24:01
to think of.
24:02
But man, I go in there and I'm
24:04
like, I don't even really have a whole
24:06
lot, but I'm dying of thirst.
24:08
I know I've got a drink and you
24:10
know, it's about loving God.
24:12
He wants to love us in that.
24:14
And so I go in there to be,
24:15
to give him love and to be loved.
24:17
And I walk out feeling that sensation in
24:19
my heart and feeling really like relieved and
24:23
it's a wonderful thing.
24:24
It's wonderful.
24:25
It's life giving for sure.
24:27
That's my experience of it.
24:29
And so, you know, after that kind of
24:31
push and pull, um, I get married again,
24:35
right?
24:35
And I go in and, and it's, you
24:37
know, I love my wife to death and,
24:39
uh, we have three beautiful kids together and,
24:42
but I just continue to struggle.
24:44
I continue to struggle and I, I struggled
24:47
all the way up until I was 40
24:48
years old probably.
24:49
And I think about, you know, what that
24:52
change moment was, um, a lot happened in
24:55
that space.
24:56
Um, a lot of, uh, a lot of,
24:59
uh, suffering and trial came to me.
25:02
Um, you know, I always started with, you
25:05
know, Boeing closing here in Wichita, uh, basically
25:09
he lost my job.
25:10
I went and got my master's degree and
25:11
I come back, yay, I got my master's
25:14
degree in December and then January after Christmas,
25:18
we have a meeting and then Boeing says,
25:20
yeah, we're closing down the Wichita site.
25:22
I'm like, Oh, what are we going to
25:23
do now?
25:24
So I went through losing my job essentially,
25:26
even though, you know, I was necessary to
25:30
the operation.
25:31
So they kept me on until the very
25:33
end.
25:33
But, uh, ultimately I didn't, my family and
25:36
I didn't want to move with the company.
25:37
So I'm going through this, which is great.
25:41
And in retrospect was very necessary because just
25:45
there had been a lot of, there was
25:48
a lot of sin around my work and
25:51
the work of my hands.
25:52
And so sacrificing that I think was important
25:56
to go through.
25:56
It was part of my, it was part
25:58
of my recreation process.
26:00
So that kind of started it for me.
26:02
So I, I then soon within that same
26:06
time period decided I want to read the
26:07
Bible by the time I'm 40.
26:09
This is my goal.
26:09
I want to read the Bible front to
26:11
back.
26:11
And so I started in on that, read,
26:14
read the Bible and accomplished that goal by
26:16
the time I was 40.
26:17
So I'm doing a lot of this in
26:19
the adoration chapel, um, you know, Father Yurok
26:23
came to Maglen and, uh, kind of challenged
26:27
us all to take, you know, adoration hours.
26:30
And I thought, I want to do something
26:32
hard for Father Yurok, you know, so I'm
26:34
going to take a 3am adoration hour.
26:37
And so I, uh, I started going in
26:39
there 3am and reading the Bible and I,
26:43
I, I read the Bible and I feel
26:45
always to feel like that just shaped my
26:47
mind.
26:48
Just said that's a, it's a mind shaping
26:51
exercises, a point where going from all the
26:55
way straight through, um, it's just over time.
26:59
It's like a, it's like a great, unbelievable
27:04
living story, God's story, but there's some parts
27:07
of it that are difficult to get through.
27:09
Just like a lot of really good stories.
27:10
Like you have to earn it, you know,
27:12
reading through like Leviticus and numbers, you've got
27:17
to kind of just like work through it.
27:19
You're being shaped.
27:20
It's like working out.
27:21
It's like you said, going to practice when
27:23
you're never going to get in the game,
27:24
you're not getting the good fruits.
27:26
So I just changed my mind to the
27:29
point where I think in terms of that,
27:31
that book, I think every time I think
27:34
in terms of that book, when something comes
27:36
to my mind, I remember a story from
27:38
that book and I go to that story
27:39
or I open it and flip off to
27:41
another story and I'm like, Oh, and then
27:44
read some footnotes and link to another story.
27:46
So it really helps the way I think
27:48
about life.
27:49
So that was huge.
27:50
That was a moment changing thing for me.
27:52
And so then the 3 a.m. adorations,
27:55
I'm in the 3 a.m. adoration chapel,
27:57
usually by myself.
27:58
So real quick, perpetual adoration for those that
28:02
may be watching that are not Catholic is
28:04
the exposure in the monstrance of body, soul,
28:08
and divinity of Christ in a private room
28:13
and where it is a consecrated host that
28:18
is exposed.
28:19
And it's a wonderful experience.
28:23
Yeah, it's in the presence of Jesus.
28:27
It's again, another thing I can't, I start
28:29
dying of thirst.
28:31
I thought I'd go to the adoration chapel
28:32
and Protestant Christians will say, well, you know,
28:35
Christ is everywhere.
28:36
And, you know, I can talk to Jesus
28:39
wherever it's, it's not the same thing.
28:42
Yeah, I mean, I just, all I can,
28:44
all I can speak to is the experience
28:46
of it.
28:47
And there's no, there's really no right way
28:50
of doing it.
28:50
Just go in there and you're in the
28:52
presence of the King of Kings, the sacred
28:54
heart of Jesus, Jesus himself, body, blood, soul,
28:57
and divinity.
28:58
It's like, you know, oftentimes think of our
29:00
mother, all the, the 30 years she spent
29:02
in his presence.
29:04
It's a lot like that.
29:05
You're just sitting there and adoring him.
29:06
You're just looking at him.
29:08
You're watching him.
29:08
You're listening for him.
29:10
You're contemplating him in your heart.
29:12
Sometimes I'm reading the Bible.
29:13
Sometimes I'm praying a rosary.
29:15
Sometimes I'm just sitting in there praying for
29:17
him to send the Holy Spirit to empty
29:19
me, you know, empty me of myself, my
29:22
thoughts, my worries, my vices, my passions, and
29:28
just fill me with him and just, I
29:30
just wait for him to project on my
29:32
mind what, you know, what, what is needed.
29:36
There's some times where there's been times where
29:37
I've fallen asleep in there, you know, and
29:39
then again, that's wonderful because you're at such
29:43
peace, you know, it's, it's just that day
29:46
you fell asleep.
29:47
There's times I go in there and the
29:50
worst things, you know, things, terrible things I've
29:53
done come flashing through my mind.
29:56
And I used to think I talked to
29:57
a priest one time about that.
29:58
I'm like, I go in there and I'm
29:59
like thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking
30:02
about.
30:02
And he's like, no, just surrender, surrender.
30:05
Like he's pulling those things out of you
30:08
or he's, he's don't fight, don't fight it.
30:11
Just let them, let those things come through
30:14
and be projected on your mind.
30:15
He's healing you.
30:16
He's healing your memories.
30:18
He's healing your memories, which, you know, that's
30:20
something that I love and I pray a
30:22
lot, you know, to heal my memories, to
30:25
protect my imagination, two very important things and
30:28
great prayers.
30:32
So yeah, 3am adoration by myself all the
30:35
time in the middle of the night on
30:36
like a Wednesday night for instance.
30:39
One night this little Vietnamese lady walks in
30:43
and I'm like, oh, you hear the door
30:46
open before anybody comes in because it's kind
30:48
of like a vestibule.
30:50
So I'm kind of like, oh, that's kind
30:51
of unusual.
30:52
Somebody's coming in the door at 3am and
30:53
then I'm sitting there and then somebody comes
30:56
in and I'm kind of like, oh, I'm
30:57
relieved.
30:58
I'm like, okay, it's a little Vietnamese lady.
31:00
I'm safe.
31:01
It's all good.
31:01
It's all good.
31:02
And then so she sits over there and
31:04
I'm just doing my thing and then she,
31:06
she leans over to me and she's got
31:08
this little pamphlet and she says, have you
31:11
ever seen a 33 days to morning glory?
31:16
This is the exact pamphlet that she handed
31:18
me.
31:19
And I'm like kidding.
31:20
Yeah.
31:20
I'm like, no, I've never heard of it.
31:23
So she says, you should look at this.
31:25
And so I take it and start looking
31:28
at it and I never see her again.
31:31
You know, that was a once thing.
31:34
So I've got this little pamphlet, they don't
31:36
make these anymore.
31:37
And so that's the consecration to the Immaculate,
31:41
to Jesus, total consecration to Jesus through the
31:44
Immaculate Heart of Mary.
31:45
So I did the 33 days consecration and
31:48
just fell in love with it.
31:49
And you introduced that to me as well.
31:51
I introduced that to anybody that'll come near
31:53
me.
31:53
I just think it's so important that, yeah,
31:56
I talk about the Bible as being shape,
31:59
mind shaping for me.
32:00
This is what shaped my heart.
32:02
This is what pierced my heart.
32:04
I started recreating my heart, the Mother Mary,
32:09
because it's just a, you know, it's a
32:12
contemplation of Mary's role in salvation history through
32:17
the eyes of the saints.
32:18
So it goes through St. Louis de Montfort,
32:21
goes through St. Maximilian Colby, St. Pope John
32:25
Paul II, St. Mother Teresa, and kind of
32:27
talks about their unique relationships and devotions to
32:30
Mary.
32:31
And so, you know, as Father Carney will
32:33
say, devotion just makes your heart more tender
32:35
towards what you're devoted to.
32:37
And so I did that and it just
32:40
changed my heart.
32:41
I've done it five or six times since,
32:43
just throughout the, you know, this is happening
32:46
around like 2014 timeframe.
32:50
So you know, over the last 10 years,
32:52
I've done it probably five or six different
32:54
times.
32:56
You know, so that's led me into a
32:59
lot of spiritual reading.
33:01
I, you know, people will ask about Mary
33:03
and Mary's role and we'll do an episode
33:05
on that.
33:07
To me, Mary has to be experienced.
33:09
It's an experience.
33:10
It's like we're talking about experiencing Christ in
33:12
the Eucharist in adoration.
33:15
You experience Mary and Mary's love as well.
33:19
You know, it says multiple times in the
33:21
Bible about she took these things in her
33:24
heart and pondered them in her heart.
33:26
I was watching an episode of Father Ripperberger
33:29
and he was saying, asking, you know, one
33:32
of his exorcisms, you know, when Mary, when
33:37
was Mary's moment of greatest glory?
33:40
And he said that it was when she
33:43
was standing under the cross.
33:44
She was in perfect virtue when she was
33:46
standing under the cross.
33:47
She was offering, you know, in justice, she's
33:49
offering the greatest good to God, like her
33:51
child to God, the fortitude and perfect virtue.
33:57
So I just, it's just a unique relationship.
34:01
I could talk to her all the time
34:02
to reveal my heart to myself, to reveal
34:04
the heart of others to me, to take
34:06
my prayers and raise them to her son.
34:10
And so it's just, it's just the type
34:12
of thing that really, you know, really started
34:15
tenderizing my heart.
34:17
Really, what it is, it's just a hardening
34:19
of heart and hiding of my heart.
34:22
It's kind of the way I had operated
34:23
in life, masks, you know, pretending like I
34:28
have everything together.
34:29
And, you know, a lot of people, I'm
34:30
a, you know, I was a dangerous character
34:32
because I'm the kind that they look at
34:34
you and they think, man, this guy's really
34:36
got together.
34:37
I mean, he's like, he's a Catholic and
34:39
he really believes in it and really loves,
34:41
you know, and I did and do, but
34:43
then I had this dark hidden corner where
34:46
I'm not that person, you know.
34:49
So on one, I look to be somebody,
34:51
but then I've got this part of me
34:53
that's, you know, kind of an ugly part
34:56
of me.
34:56
So that just kind of led me into
34:59
a lot of spiritual reading.
35:00
You kind of see this pile of books
35:01
here.
35:01
A lot of consecrations, I did a consecration
35:05
to merciful love, which is St. Therese, led
35:08
me into the St. Therese little way, you
35:12
know, the elevator to God.
35:13
That's a beautiful way.
35:15
I like that for a lot of people
35:17
I come across to think they're too little,
35:20
too small.
35:21
They don't contemplate the big concepts of God.
35:25
I think that's a great one because he
35:27
comes to you where you're at and he
35:28
lifts you up.
35:29
Come like a little child, he reaches down.
35:32
So that was a good one for me.
35:33
St. Joseph consecration, that's another one I did.
35:37
Fatherhood, I think often a St. Joseph with,
35:40
you know, stepdads that I dealt with.
35:43
I would have been a very difficult stepson,
35:47
very strong-minded, and I know I was
35:51
not, I can't even imagine as me as
35:55
a dad, an older man, entering into a
35:57
relationship where I was trying to disciple a
36:00
son like me that wasn't my own, that
36:02
would be a very difficult thing.
36:05
So I, you know, a lot of grace
36:07
in those situations.
36:09
You know, so that's the turn, you know,
36:13
I kind of get tired of talking about
36:15
COVID, but COVID was a big decision point.
36:18
This is where, you know, Blue Army started.
36:22
I really, and so I start teaching virtues
36:24
to younger people.
36:25
So talking about these virtues, I start teaching
36:28
them to younger, my softball players, and that
36:32
causes you to really contemplate them and think
36:34
about them so they become part of you.
36:36
You have to study them so that you
36:38
can teach them, put them in simple terms.
36:41
Be aware of them so you can use
36:42
them.
36:42
It's amazing to me how many Protestant Christians
36:45
aren't aware of the virtues and that each
36:50
virtue is the opposite of deadly sins.
36:54
It's just an amazing practice to know what
36:58
they are and what the definitions are and
37:00
what gifts and graces they give to counteract
37:03
the evil one.
37:04
Yeah, I think just in general, like even
37:06
me as a lifelong Catholic, I never, I
37:10
would say, knew what the virtues were until
37:12
I really walked into them and took a
37:15
close look at them and was interested in
37:17
them.
37:18
And the fruit that you gain from studying
37:21
them and taking the concepts and then communicating
37:24
them to somebody else, I feel like was
37:26
very fruitful for me.
37:28
And I pretty much see the whole world
37:30
through that.
37:33
I'm always thinking in terms of virtue, everything,
37:36
every decision I make, every problem that comes
37:39
to me with my kids or at work,
37:42
I'm always thinking that way.
37:43
Not to say I always choose rightly for
37:45
sure, but I always, at least it's a
37:47
framework and a vision that I use to
37:49
see everything through.
37:53
So yeah, I would just say that all
37:56
that change kind of delivered me to a
37:59
place with COVID where I really had to
38:03
put those decisions into action, like, okay, now
38:07
what am I going to do?
38:09
Now what am I going to do?
38:09
So a series of what am I going
38:11
to do in this tough situation and choosing
38:13
my path based on these new things that
38:17
I had learned and actually making life decisions
38:21
and bearing consequences to them.
38:23
So it's easy for you to do that
38:26
on your own.
38:27
And sometimes you deal with other people around
38:29
you that maybe don't see things the way
38:30
you see them.
38:31
And so that can get you in trouble.
38:33
So, you know, since that change, I would
38:38
say, you know, what COVID and making changes
38:42
along COVID came more attacks.
38:46
So I would say just because you change
38:49
and you choose and you become a different
38:52
person and you maybe put old sins away,
38:55
you know, you do put it in my
38:56
case, thanks be to God.
38:59
Those old sins have been retired.
39:01
I don't, I don't really have those temptations
39:05
anymore.
39:07
Of course, I'm aware of that piece of
39:09
me for sure.
39:10
And I take active measures to stay away
39:12
from that.
39:13
Like you always know that once you have
39:15
a habitual sin, God's grace has overcome it
39:18
for you.
39:18
You're still susceptible there.
39:19
So you have to be very careful about
39:21
your occasions of sin and the choices that
39:23
you make to kind of keep yourself away
39:25
from that.
39:25
But, you know, the fruit of some of
39:29
that was right away, you know, I went
39:31
through my marriage kind of went through a
39:36
real trial, my marriage, my marriage to my
39:39
second wife through COVID.
39:42
And so, you know, when I was going
39:43
through that to the point of being separated
39:46
to the point that there was divorce in
39:48
place, I went to talk to Father Bernie
39:52
and I'm like, what is going on?
39:54
I don't understand.
39:56
I've come through all of this.
39:58
I've given my life over to God.
40:01
I've, you know, I make totally different.
40:02
I'm not that person anymore.
40:03
I've made all these choices differently.
40:07
You know, I love my wife, my family.
40:08
Why am I going through this?
40:09
Why is this my lot?
40:11
Why is God choosing this?
40:12
Why is God sending this to me?
40:15
And he, you know, he just kind of
40:16
told me, you know, you're just, you're under
40:19
attack.
40:19
Like the devil's never going to let you
40:21
make those type of positive moves to embrace
40:25
God, to focus, build your life around God.
40:28
He's going to try to trip you up
40:32
and, you know, just know that, that any
40:35
Satan doesn't have any power outside of what
40:38
God allows him.
40:39
So, you know, there, there are trials that
40:42
happen to you for your own benefit.
40:44
Like your salvation is afoot.
40:47
So you're going to have to decide what
40:49
you're going to do in this situation.
40:52
So kind of the continuation of all the
40:56
things that I learned in the, you know,
40:58
with, through the consecration, you know, when I
41:02
had that divorce, my response, I purposely responded
41:05
to the divorce on October 13th, the miracle
41:09
of the son, the last visitation of Our
41:13
Lady of Fatima, because I just clung to
41:16
her.
41:16
I mean, I just, I just grabbed on
41:18
to her and I clung to Our Lady's
41:21
mantle, prayed to her, put my marriage in
41:24
her hands that she would lift it up.
41:27
And then, you know, it was kind of
41:28
as a part of going through that too,
41:31
I ran across Abraham's sacrifice of Isaac story.
41:36
That was a very dear story to me
41:38
because what I pulled out of that was,
41:42
you know, God may ask you to sacrifice
41:45
what you love the most.
41:48
He wants to know whether you're willing to
41:50
do that.
41:53
He may not.
41:54
In the end, you know, as Abraham says
41:56
to Isaac, God will provide.
41:59
God will provide.
41:59
I don't know.
42:01
I don't know.
42:01
God's, God's asked this of me, but I
42:04
don't know what God will do, but I'm
42:06
going to be obedient here and God will
42:08
provide.
42:10
And so I hung on to that, like
42:11
if I'm, if I'm obedient, if I'm willing
42:14
to sacrifice what I most love, I'll lay
42:16
it on your altar.
42:19
Trust you, you know, the way through, you
42:23
know, what's going to happen here.
42:25
You know what your purposes are.
42:27
I'll trust that whatever you do is going
42:30
to be good.
42:31
That's a very mature and difficult conclusion to
42:35
come to because when I went through my
42:39
trial, my first marriage, that thought never crossed
42:43
my mind.
42:43
I wanted whatever it took to keep my
42:45
family together.
42:47
It never crossed my mind to lay this
42:50
at the foot of Christ and thy will
42:53
be done in mine.
42:54
I wanted, I wanted it.
42:56
I wanted to keep my family together.
42:59
Yeah.
43:00
And looking back from my vantage point now,
43:04
I agree with that and I, you know,
43:07
I would not ever pat myself on the
43:09
back because I was just like, I had
43:12
just really bought into all of this stuff
43:14
to the point that I knew that my
43:17
only way through was to just cling on
43:20
to all of the, you know, the actual
43:24
relationships, like, you know, God's alive, Jesus is
43:27
alive, the blessed mother's alive and they care,
43:30
they care, they care about you, they care
43:34
about me, they care about every choice you
43:36
make.
43:37
And so if I would just try to
43:39
make all my choices in them, you know,
43:43
surrender everything up into their hands, sacrifice, just
43:49
cling to them and just, you know, stay
43:51
true.
43:51
I felt like that was what was going
43:53
to get me through.
43:54
And so I did and focused on gratitude.
43:58
That was another big thing.
44:00
I really focused on gratitude because there's always
44:03
so much good, so many wonderful things that
44:06
happen in a day.
44:06
Even when you think the whole world's crashing
44:08
down around you, if you can put space
44:12
between that and yourself and just, what do
44:16
I, what happened good?
44:18
And just take these little pieces of goodness
44:20
and focus on those and thank God for
44:23
those.
44:24
Just really is powerful and I just feel
44:30
like so many more good things become, come
44:34
to your eyes when you do that.
44:36
It's very difficult to do the focus it
44:38
takes to have that, that ability to do
44:42
that is very difficult when you're in absolute
44:45
catastrophic failure and pain.
44:49
It's almost impossible.
44:52
It's really true grace that one is given
44:55
to allow oneself to separate oneself from that
44:59
catastrophic emotional pain to give oneself grace.
45:05
You know, I tell my kids this, be
45:06
your own best friend in your head.
45:09
Whenever I'm suffering like that, there's no best
45:12
friend in my head.
45:13
I'm scared really, scared.
45:16
Why am I scared?
45:17
Maybe I'm not getting what I want.
45:19
Maybe what I want is to keep my
45:20
family together and it's just catastrophic emotional failure.
45:26
The fact that you were able, you're further
45:28
enough along in your faith that you were
45:30
able to peel that back and not be
45:35
selfish.
45:36
I was completely selfish with my thoughts and
45:41
that's what saved you.
45:43
I know we've talked about this and you
45:47
know, every marriage has its own challenges and
45:49
struggles and sometimes I'll tell you, bro, you
45:51
got what you wanted.
45:53
You kept your family together.
45:55
You won.
45:56
You're a winner.
45:57
That's a win.
45:59
And the interesting thing when I say that
46:02
is, the flip side of that is I
46:03
feel like I'm a loser.
46:05
But yet, why do I feel that way?
46:08
Because I have an amazing relationship with my
46:12
wife that was as a result of something
46:15
that I lost.
46:17
Yeah, I think that's to me the biggest
46:19
key is that I went through all of
46:22
that hell with my first marriage and just
46:25
like got broke down to the point where
46:29
I'm like, help me.
46:31
I just surrender.
46:32
I give.
46:34
And then got built back up in this
46:36
way and then when the second trial came
46:39
through, it's the only thing I knew to
46:42
do.
46:43
I just knew.
46:44
I mean, from very early on I said,
46:47
this is it.
46:49
You know, if this doesn't work out, I
46:51
don't know what's going to happen, but if
46:52
this doesn't work out, I'm done.
46:55
Like, I'm not, I will never marry again.
46:57
Like, I'm sacrificing all of that side of
47:00
me.
47:00
Like, I'm just going to be, this is
47:02
it.
47:03
I put all my eggs in this basket.
47:04
I had people look at me like I
47:06
was crazy.
47:06
Like, really?
47:07
You're going to say that?
47:08
I'm like, 100% because that's just, I
47:12
just feel like that's what I have to
47:14
do.
47:14
So that's what I did.
47:16
And you gave your wife patience and distance
47:19
and grace.
47:20
I remember one of our key conversations was,
47:22
she said, I don't know, I can't, so
47:26
I can't see how are we ever going
47:28
to get back?
47:29
Are we ever going to get back to
47:31
where we were after all that's happened?
47:32
And I said, we're not going back.
47:36
I said, we're just going to meet each
47:37
other where we are, you know, right now,
47:39
today.
47:40
We just got to meet each other where
47:41
we're at right now.
47:42
I'm willing to meet you where you're at
47:43
right now.
47:45
And it's not like I'm some great genius,
47:47
you know, that's the Holy Spirit coming through
47:49
me.
47:50
And I remember I feel like her response
47:52
was, okay, I can see that makes sense.
47:58
Maybe there's a chance.
47:59
That was the first time I feel like
48:00
there was a little flicker of light when
48:03
we decided we didn't have to go back.
48:05
We didn't have to make up for what
48:07
had happened.
48:07
All we needed to do was meet where
48:09
we were and believe in the wedding of
48:12
Cana, that Jesus can turn water into wine,
48:15
and it's the best, sweetest, most choice wine
48:18
that there ever has been.
48:19
I kept that in my mind a lot
48:20
through going through that, too.
48:24
Very special.
48:25
Yeah, it is.
48:28
Yeah, I would just say there's like, you
48:30
know, I'll kind of end, I guess, with
48:32
a couple, you know, St. Augustine, he says,
48:36
For thou hast made us for thyself, and
48:39
our hearts are restless till they rest in
48:41
thee.
48:42
One hundred percent, that's my heart.
48:44
When I say I feel like I'm dying
48:46
of thirst, because I need confession this morning,
48:49
even though I don't have anything major and
48:51
crazy going on in my life, that's what
48:53
it is, one hundred percent for me.
48:55
So when I talk about, like, my life
48:58
since, my decision, it's a series of that.
49:03
Like, in this world, we're never going to
49:05
be fulfilled.
49:07
Our heart's always going to be restless.
49:09
The key is, when you think that you
49:13
can sustain your heart with other things, it's
49:18
quickly getting rid of that thought and going
49:21
back to the Source, going back to God,
49:24
because you'll continue to be tempted, you're going
49:26
to continue to have trials, you're going to
49:28
continue to fall down, you're never going to
49:30
be fixed, there's no perfect people, it's just,
49:34
your heart's restless, go back to the Source,
49:38
your heart will rest in God, rest your
49:39
heart in God.