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440. When Setting a Boundary Makes You the Villain (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:21
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to your Head Noise episode
0:25
Speaker 1: of the day. We have some great questions that have
0:28
Speaker 1: been sent through. If you are new to the podcast,
0:30
Speaker 1: Head Noise are my listener question episodes. They are so
0:34
Speaker 1: great because so often you are able to take you know,
0:37
Speaker 1: what you hear from someone else's story and the advice
0:39
Speaker 1: that I give, and you can apply it to your life,
0:41
Speaker 1: even if it's like quite a different situation. Some people
0:44
Speaker 1: hear dating advice and they think, wow, I could apply
0:47
Speaker 1: that kind of conversation to a problem I'm having with
0:50
Speaker 1: my parents or with my friends or whatever. So often
0:53
Speaker 1: when I give this advice, even if you're like, oh,
0:55
Speaker 1: that's not exactly my personal life situation, you'll still be
0:58
Speaker 1: able to at the very least look at your personal
1:01
Speaker 1: situation from a new, fresh perspective and hopefully feel a
1:05
Speaker 1: bit more empowered with what you can do about something
1:07
Speaker 1: that you're going through as well. So as always aw
1:10
Speaker 1: some questions that have been sent through. This is an
1:12
Speaker 1: email head Noise episode. I try and kind of split
1:15
Speaker 1: it up between email head Noise episodes and also voicemail
1:19
Speaker 1: head Noise episodes, so without wasting any more of anyone's time,
1:25
Speaker 1: and parking around. Let's get straight into it. So this
1:29
Speaker 1: one is called valid boundary or boundary talk bully. Okay,
1:35
Speaker 1: I'm very interested in what this is all about. Let's
1:39
Speaker 1: get into it, Hi, Alexis. I've been a big fan
1:41
Speaker 1: of the podcast for years and really appreciate the resources
1:44
Speaker 1: you shared that have helped me better myself and understand
1:46
Speaker 1: others better too. Thank you. My question today is about
1:50
Speaker 1: identifying the difference between a fair boundary being set versus
1:54
Speaker 1: the use of therapy talk to excuse unfair behavior. For text,
2:00
Speaker 1: a friend of mine was moving apartments, so myself and
2:03
Speaker 1: other and another friend went to help her. We all
2:06
Speaker 1: worked together and know each other quite well. And this
2:08
Speaker 1: friend who was helping too, had been going through a
2:10
Speaker 1: hard time with a boyfriend slash deciding on a breakup,
2:14
Speaker 1: and we have spent a lot of time weeks on
2:16
Speaker 1: weeks being by her side and supporting her through this.
2:19
Speaker 1: On the day of the move, I noticed that the
2:21
Speaker 1: friend was more quiet than usual. Throughout the day, I
2:24
Speaker 1: checked in a few times without sorry, with passing comments
2:27
Speaker 1: like are you all good, how you're feeling, and things
2:30
Speaker 1: like that. I truthfully don't remember asking more than three
2:32
Speaker 1: times across the whole day, but I may have asked
2:35
Speaker 1: more than this. I know that someone checking in too
2:37
Speaker 1: much can be really annoying, so I try not to overstep.
2:40
Speaker 1: By dinner that night, I noticed that this friend wasn't
2:42
Speaker 1: engaging with me slash talking to me at all. When
2:45
Speaker 1: it came time to leave. As she and I live
2:47
Speaker 1: down the road from each other, she made an excuse
2:50
Speaker 1: not to travel home with me again, refused to make
2:52
Speaker 1: eye contact, and would avoid being near me. I asked
2:55
Speaker 1: if i'd upset her, and she said we would speak later.
2:59
Speaker 1: I saw her at work for the whole week following that.
3:02
Speaker 1: I messaged her early on saying I was sorry for
3:04
Speaker 1: upsetting her. I wasn't sure what I had done, but
3:06
Speaker 1: I was all eased. When she was ready to talk,
3:08
Speaker 1: she said she just needed space. Throughout the work week,
3:11
Speaker 1: she would leave the room slash group if I walked in,
3:14
Speaker 1: would push past me without eye contact, and refuse to
3:16
Speaker 1: acknowledge me at all, making the dynamic at work really uncomfortable.
3:20
Speaker 1: As we have many mutual friends, including the friend that
3:23
Speaker 1: moved apartment and notice this treatment too. I reached out
3:26
Speaker 1: again the next week and expressing that I was struggling
3:28
Speaker 1: to comprehend to the sudden change in dynamic, and I
3:30
Speaker 1: really wanted to help rectify what it was that I
3:32
Speaker 1: had done, especially because work became very unpleasant place again.
3:37
Speaker 1: She said she needed space. After about two weeks from
3:40
Speaker 1: the initial moving day, she reached out, saying that she
3:42
Speaker 1: hopes I'm well and that she was just taking space
3:45
Speaker 1: and that her ignoring me slash avoiding me wasn't disrespectful
3:49
Speaker 1: nor intended to be hurtful, but just her honoring her boundaries,
3:52
Speaker 1: and that for her to engage for her to engage
3:56
Speaker 1: with me would have been inauthentic. She said I had
3:59
Speaker 1: annoyed her in the day by asking too much if
4:01
Speaker 1: she was okay, but that she didn't see it as
4:04
Speaker 1: something that needed to be a sit down conversation. Rather,
4:06
Speaker 1: she just wanted some space. I explained that I completely
4:09
Speaker 1: understood why it would be frustrating, and I apologized, but
4:12
Speaker 1: I mentioned that I would have really appreciated a heads
4:15
Speaker 1: up that I had been bothering her slush doing something
4:18
Speaker 1: wrong before being plunged into complete silent treatment, so that
4:21
Speaker 1: I could redirect my behavior or at least know what
4:23
Speaker 1: I had done, and that if it was something that
4:26
Speaker 1: wasn't important enough to warrant a conversation. I didn't understand
4:29
Speaker 1: the silent treatment response. She has said that she doesn't
4:32
Speaker 1: need to put the feelings of others before her own
4:34
Speaker 1: and act inauthentically to appease another person's feelings when she's
4:37
Speaker 1: honoring her own boundary of needing space. My question is,
4:41
Speaker 1: how do identify if this is a fair boundary on
4:43
Speaker 1: her part or if it's unfair treatment. It's always been
4:46
Speaker 1: a bit I've always been a bit of a people pleaser,
4:48
Speaker 1: and I'm struggling to know what is fair in this situation.
4:51
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Okay, this is very interesting behavior,
4:56
Speaker 1: but let's look okay, because we can break apart. But
5:00
Speaker 1: that her behavior was unfair, that she should have communicated better,
5:04
Speaker 1: that she should just should But at the end of
5:06
Speaker 1: the day, we're not talking with her, We're talking about
5:09
Speaker 1: how you can do with this situation better, because at
5:12
Speaker 1: the end of the day, you cannot control ultimately somebody
5:16
Speaker 1: else's behavior. You can only control what you do with
5:19
Speaker 1: what you are dealt. Okay. So she is saying that
5:25
Speaker 1: this is her boundary, this is what she needs to
5:28
Speaker 1: do to protect herself. Whether you agree with that or
5:30
Speaker 1: not is absolutely irrelevant. You now need to decide, am
5:34
Speaker 1: I okay with this being a dynamic in the friendship,
5:38
Speaker 1: or do I also need to step back because what
5:42
Speaker 1: you're wanting is a label, but you don't need a label,
5:46
Speaker 1: or is you know, is it being unfair? You asked,
5:48
Speaker 1: how do identify if this is a fair bound It
5:50
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if it's fair or not. If she deems
5:53
Speaker 1: it to be a boundary, then that's on her if
5:57
Speaker 1: that makes sense. So, for example, if if someone spoke
6:00
Speaker 1: to let's say my friend did that to me personally
6:03
Speaker 1: and just didn't want to communicate, was happy doing the
6:07
Speaker 1: silent treatment for weeks, and I was really close with them.
6:09
Speaker 1: Let's say it's one of my red Bull girls, you know,
6:12
Speaker 1: was happy doing that that like silent treatment for weeks,
6:15
Speaker 1: and then turns around saying, Oh, this is just my boundary.
6:18
Speaker 1: This is just how I whatever, This is just me,
6:20
Speaker 1: This is just whatever I would be like, Okay, if
6:24
Speaker 1: that's honestly how you feel, I will take that for
6:28
Speaker 1: face value and I will proceed accordingly. And how I
6:32
Speaker 1: would proceed accordingly would be I need to just remove
6:37
Speaker 1: myself a little bit from this friendship. I need to
6:39
Speaker 1: be less concerned about you know, like little like hints
6:46
Speaker 1: that I pick up along the way. I need to
6:48
Speaker 1: be less quote unquote like in your face about certain things.
6:52
Speaker 1: I'm just going to pry less. I'll ask less. Obviously,
6:55
Speaker 1: you think that me asking questions is going to be
6:59
Speaker 1: you know, impose or whatever. That's not what I want
7:01
Speaker 1: to do. But I also need to protect my space.
7:04
Speaker 1: And if me just asking a friend a simple question
7:06
Speaker 1: without them being able to say, Babe, you've asked me
7:08
Speaker 1: that already three times, please stop it. Like sometimes friends
7:11
Speaker 1: have asked me are you okay? Too many times and
7:14
Speaker 1: I'm like, honestly, I'm actually okay, But if you ask
7:16
Speaker 1: me one more time, I'm not going to be okay.
7:18
Speaker 1: Like I'm happy to just literally pull people up, especially
7:21
Speaker 1: if they're friends, because I can be a bit blunt
7:23
Speaker 1: with them, But to give someone a silent trainment for
7:26
Speaker 1: two weeks based on that, I find that that's exaggerated.
7:30
Speaker 1: So someone's going to do that with me, then it's
7:32
Speaker 1: up to me to decide what boundaries I need to
7:36
Speaker 1: put in place so I don't have to deal with
7:38
Speaker 1: that again. Does that make sense? So what you're trying
7:41
Speaker 1: to establish is is this a fair boundary? Is this
7:44
Speaker 1: not a fair boundary? Is this whatever? All you can
7:46
Speaker 1: do is look at that behavior and say, whether she
7:50
Speaker 1: thinks it's fair or not is really not my problem.
7:52
Speaker 1: What I need to do is looking at that behavior
7:55
Speaker 1: after I've already tried to apologize speak because you've done
7:58
Speaker 1: everything I would first reckoned, which is you've reached out,
8:01
Speaker 1: you've tried to talk to her, you've acknowledged that maybe
8:04
Speaker 1: your behavior was annoying. You've done all of that, so
8:07
Speaker 1: normally I would recommend you do that, but you've done that.
8:09
Speaker 1: So moving past that point, I would then think, Okay,
8:14
Speaker 1: what do I have to do so I don't find
8:16
Speaker 1: myself in this situation again, or so that I feel
8:18
Speaker 1: like I'm protecting myself so I don't feel like someone's
8:22
Speaker 1: trying to manipulate me emotionally by doing a silent treatment
8:25
Speaker 1: for two weeks. Okay, if someone were to do a
8:29
Speaker 1: silent treatment with me after I had reached out and
8:33
Speaker 1: asked and their response was, oh, it's just that I'm
8:36
Speaker 1: protecting my space and you know, all this stuff that
8:39
Speaker 1: she's saying, it would have been inauthentic to engage with me,
8:44
Speaker 1: I'll say, I'll fucking show you inauthentic, inauthentic, my asshole. Okay, Like,
8:48
Speaker 1: if someone's going to do that to a friend, I'd
8:50
Speaker 1: be like, cool, take your inauthenticity somewhere else. I personally
8:56
Speaker 1: would just give less to this friend, no offense, Like
8:58
Speaker 1: I would just give less. And it's not about pride,
9:01
Speaker 1: it's not about whatever. Because you reached out, you apologize,
9:04
Speaker 1: you did everything you wanted to do, and now they're saying, oh,
9:07
Speaker 1: engaging with you is inauthentic. Like, no problem, I'll put
9:11
Speaker 1: my energy elsewhere instantly, I'll start putting my energy into
9:14
Speaker 1: other friends. I'll still be polite, I'll still hang out
9:17
Speaker 1: with you in a group. I'll still do all of that.
9:19
Speaker 1: But if you now want to have the friendship that
9:22
Speaker 1: we have the potential of having the balls in your court,
9:25
Speaker 1: I don't need to be chasing you down, especially after
9:27
Speaker 1: you said that me asking you questions make you feel inauthentic.
9:30
Speaker 1: I'm not going to fucking make you feel uncomfortable now
9:32
Speaker 1: that you've expressed that that's your boundary. So I'm just
9:35
Speaker 1: going to tap out. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm
9:37
Speaker 1: going to peacefully and not in it, and you're not
9:40
Speaker 1: gonna be catty about it either. You're not gonna be sarcastic,
9:42
Speaker 1: you're not gonna be shitty, you're not gonna be bitchy.
9:45
Speaker 1: You're just going to put more of your energy into
9:47
Speaker 1: your other friendships. Okay, and then you're still gonna be nice,
9:51
Speaker 1: You're still gonna be polite. But if she wants more
9:52
Speaker 1: of that intimacy again, it's got to come from her end,
9:55
Speaker 1: because when you tried, she threw it in your face. Okay,
9:59
Speaker 1: So it's up to you now to put your boundaries
10:02
Speaker 1: in place. We get caught up and tangled up in
10:07
Speaker 1: policing if other people's boundaries are fair or not. But
10:09
Speaker 1: a boundaries is a boundary, whether you deem it to
10:11
Speaker 1: be fair or not. If that's what makes her feel
10:13
Speaker 1: happy and protected, who are we to judge, right, But
10:16
Speaker 1: your responsibility is to determine what your boundary is so
10:20
Speaker 1: you feel safe and protected emotionally and you don't have
10:23
Speaker 1: to be put in that situation again. So, in my opinion,
10:27
Speaker 1: without being shitty or without being vindictive, I would literally
10:31
Speaker 1: just be like, you know what, I can't love you
10:33
Speaker 1: so much, but I'm just going to peacefully tap out
10:36
Speaker 1: a little bit because I really don't understand where you're
10:38
Speaker 1: coming from, and the best thing I can do is
10:39
Speaker 1: allow you to be who you need to be, and
10:43
Speaker 1: I'm going to do the same for myself. And then
10:45
Speaker 1: if it circles back and she's like I was having
10:47
Speaker 1: a fucking moment, apologies, then great. But if she digs
10:51
Speaker 1: her heels in and says oh in authenticity, if I
10:53
Speaker 1: talk to you whatever, then also, I don't know about you,
10:55
Speaker 1: but I don't you also don't want a friendship where
10:58
Speaker 1: you're walking on eggshells, where you ask why question in
11:00
Speaker 1: it equals two weeks off for silent treatment. That's not
11:03
Speaker 1: on next question. All right, Hi Alexis. I absolutely love
11:10
Speaker 1: your podcast and would love your help. I'm having a
11:12
Speaker 1: bit of a life slash career dilemma. I currently live
11:15
Speaker 1: in Brisbane and genuinely love the life I've built here
11:18
Speaker 1: my friends, my gym, my apartment, my weekends, my routines, etc.
11:23
Speaker 1: The only piece that's missing is my career. I'm in
11:26
Speaker 1: the process of joining the police force, which I'm excited
11:29
Speaker 1: about and hope will become my long term career. Right now,
11:31
Speaker 1: I'm in a corporate job that pays the bills, but
11:34
Speaker 1: isn't fulfilling and it's not something I want to do
11:36
Speaker 1: long term. The challenge is that there's a chance I
11:39
Speaker 1: could be posted to a rural area in Queensland once
11:41
Speaker 1: I joined the police. It would mean leaving the life
11:44
Speaker 1: I love in Brisbane, but it would also mean starting
11:46
Speaker 1: my dream career and potentially fast tracking opportunities by going regional.
11:51
Speaker 1: I'd be so grateful for any advice on what to
11:54
Speaker 1: consider when weighing up a decision like this, especially when
11:56
Speaker 1: both options feel meaningful in different ways. Thank you. Yeah, look,
12:01
Speaker 1: this is really difficult. I think a lot of people
12:03
Speaker 1: find them say. This also happens with a lot of
12:05
Speaker 1: teaching jobs and like medical jobs as well, where in
12:09
Speaker 1: order to get further in your career or even to
12:13
Speaker 1: enter that in certain situations, it's even entering requires time
12:17
Speaker 1: regional in those regional towns and stuff. And that's really
12:21
Speaker 1: really hard. But you acknowledge, and you clearly do acknowledge it,
12:26
Speaker 1: and most people acknowledge it that is part off having
12:29
Speaker 1: the career that you want to have. It's kind of
12:31
Speaker 1: like you can't have one without the other. Like if
12:33
Speaker 1: you want to be in the police force. You acknowledge
12:36
Speaker 1: that this is almost inevitable to an extent. Okay, So
12:41
Speaker 1: the way you could look at it, there's two ways
12:44
Speaker 1: you can look at it. The first one is not ideal,
12:46
Speaker 1: and the second one it could be a bit more optimistic.
12:48
Speaker 1: So the first one is to say, you know what,
12:51
Speaker 1: I've weighed everything up, and no matter what, I'm not
12:53
Speaker 1: willing to go regional. I'm not willing to give this
12:55
Speaker 1: up as much as I would love to be a
12:57
Speaker 1: police officer, and that's my drain career being two years
13:01
Speaker 1: or I don't know how long. Maybe it's three years.
13:03
Speaker 1: I don't know how long you need to be regional,
13:04
Speaker 1: for being away for that long would absolutely destroy me.
13:07
Speaker 1: There's no way I can do it. I need to
13:08
Speaker 1: find another career where I'm going to be equally fulfilled
13:11
Speaker 1: or slightly less fulfilled. But I'm in the city that
13:13
Speaker 1: I love, and you have to cut your losses. You
13:15
Speaker 1: have to weigh it up and be willing to say
13:17
Speaker 1: goodbye to something, okay. Or the other option is in
13:22
Speaker 1: the scheme, time is going to pass anyway, right, and
13:26
Speaker 1: in the scheme of life, I know in my heart
13:29
Speaker 1: of hearts that this is the career for me, Like
13:31
Speaker 1: I know it's I know that I would love doing it.
13:33
Speaker 1: It would be the most fulfilling thing, but the payoff
13:38
Speaker 1: is that I have to do sacrifice too. Also, again
13:41
Speaker 1: I'm just throwing arbitrary numbers out there. I don't know
13:42
Speaker 1: how long you have to be gone for, but let's
13:44
Speaker 1: say two years out of a city that I love,
13:46
Speaker 1: my routines, my everything I've got, I've got to kind
13:49
Speaker 1: of give that up for about two years, and that's
13:52
Speaker 1: going to be really, really hard. But like I said,
13:55
Speaker 1: time is going to pass anyway, and you you are
13:59
Speaker 1: also going to experience things while you're there as well.
14:02
Speaker 1: It's not like you're putting your life completely on hold
14:04
Speaker 1: where nothing is happening for those two years you were
14:09
Speaker 1: going to miss Brisbane, but you are also going to
14:11
Speaker 1: have experiences and you're going to meet people, and you're
14:14
Speaker 1: going to make brand new friendships, brand new bonds with
14:17
Speaker 1: people that you don't even know exist yet. It might
14:20
Speaker 1: not be glamorous, it might not be as like your
14:24
Speaker 1: ideal life, but it is a time in your life
14:27
Speaker 1: where you can be like, you know what, I bit
14:30
Speaker 1: the bullet went Regional had to say goodbye. Temporarily to
14:33
Speaker 1: a city and I love that I love and I
14:35
Speaker 1: did it, and I grew and I learned so much.
14:38
Speaker 1: And yes it was hard, but those two years past anyway, right,
14:41
Speaker 1: whether I was putting in the hard yards and getting
14:43
Speaker 1: that shit done or whether I wasn't, I could still
14:46
Speaker 1: go back and visit. And for the most part, after
14:48
Speaker 1: the two years, I was able to return to Brisbane.
14:51
Speaker 1: And while a couple of things would have changed here
14:52
Speaker 1: and there, ultimately it's still the same city. I can
14:55
Speaker 1: still have my same friends, my same gym, my same
14:57
Speaker 1: everything with the career that I love. So in my opinion,
15:02
Speaker 1: I say, go regional and do it. If you know
15:05
Speaker 1: that this is a career you want to do, make
15:07
Speaker 1: the sacrifice and do it. Because it's very it's very
15:13
Speaker 1: daunting from the perspective that you're at now, looking up
15:17
Speaker 1: at the hill that you have to climb. But try
15:19
Speaker 1: and look at it from the other perspective. Try and
15:21
Speaker 1: look at it ten years, twenty years, thirty years down
15:25
Speaker 1: the line, and you probably look at those two years
15:27
Speaker 1: that you went regional with really kind eyes, being like
15:31
Speaker 1: that was a fucking time, that was a fucking experience.
15:33
Speaker 1: There were some hard times there was some really funny times,
15:36
Speaker 1: there were some testing times, there were some beautiful times, right,
15:40
Speaker 1: And like one of my best friends, she's been on
15:42
Speaker 1: the podcast Rename. She's a teacher, well not a nimal.
15:45
Speaker 1: She's retired and now she runs her own business. But
15:47
Speaker 1: she used to be a teacher and she went regional
15:49
Speaker 1: for three years up in Aracoon in far North Queens
15:52
Speaker 1: and I to a very regional town, and I remember
15:55
Speaker 1: when she was leaving and everyone was like, fuck, you know,
15:57
Speaker 1: like you got such a good network here, everything's so
15:59
Speaker 1: good and you're going to go read this, and that
16:01
Speaker 1: she chose to stay that third year. She could have
16:03
Speaker 1: come back after two. She was so embedded in it.
16:07
Speaker 1: Surprised that she even liked it, because she was very
16:11
Speaker 1: much a Sunshine Coast girl and really loved her life
16:12
Speaker 1: on the Sunny Coast. But she's like, I'm going to
16:14
Speaker 1: do one more year because I'm already here and this
16:17
Speaker 1: is a fucking experience I'll never get again ever, And
16:21
Speaker 1: so she extended for another year. So that's what I mean.
16:23
Speaker 1: It's like, you might be pleasantly surprised. And what did
16:27
Speaker 1: Rene do? She then moved back back to her hometown
16:29
Speaker 1: that she fucking loves with her friends, with her gym routine,
16:32
Speaker 1: with everything, and it all worked out. So I would say,
16:36
Speaker 1: if you know that this is the career for you,
16:38
Speaker 1: you do it. Do it, do it, do it, and
16:40
Speaker 1: always every time you doubt it, think of yourself ten
16:42
Speaker 1: years down the line, twenties down the line, being like,
16:44
Speaker 1: thank god I did those two years. It was hard,
16:47
Speaker 1: but I fucking did it because then I got the
16:48
Speaker 1: career that I wanted to have. The alternative of that
16:51
Speaker 1: is not doing it, because you're in this nice, very
16:55
Speaker 1: like a nice life that you've built for yourself, knowing
16:57
Speaker 1: that you know you still have that career dream. You said,
16:59
Speaker 1: the only thing that's not clicking is my career. You're
17:01
Speaker 1: not happy with anything but wanting to be a police officer.
17:04
Speaker 1: So you will live and regret if you don't do
17:08
Speaker 1: this thing because you know the answer. You just know
17:10
Speaker 1: that it's gonna be. There's gonna it requires a lot
17:12
Speaker 1: of unpleasant changes, but you already know the answer. And
17:15
Speaker 1: we regret the things we don't take action on. It's
17:19
Speaker 1: rarely the things we take action on. You're not gonna
17:20
Speaker 1: regret going, but you will regret not going. Okay, So
17:25
Speaker 1: go since next question. The title of this one is
17:37
Speaker 1: his friend turned on me. Now I'm the villain. Jusy okay, Hi,
17:44
Speaker 1: Alexis love all your potties. You're an absolute legend. I
17:47
Speaker 1: would love your advice on a friendship I no longer
17:49
Speaker 1: feel great about. For an overview, my boyfriend, who I
17:52
Speaker 1: trust and absolutely believe has the biggest heart, had a
17:55
Speaker 1: best friend for multiple years. I got along with his
17:57
Speaker 1: friend really well until we started dating. This friend has
18:01
Speaker 1: a girl in his life who ticks every box from
18:03
Speaker 1: your Energy Higher episode, and she was my friend too.
18:07
Speaker 1: When I tried to talk to her about some nasty
18:10
Speaker 1: things she was doing to try and resolve it and
18:12
Speaker 1: let her know how it made me feel, she flipped
18:14
Speaker 1: on me and turned to this guy against me. It
18:16
Speaker 1: was horrible and it made me sad yet strong in
18:20
Speaker 1: getting out of that friendship. People witnessed some of the
18:23
Speaker 1: mean things she was doing to me, so it wasn't
18:25
Speaker 1: just a me vision, not that it necessarily matters. Now
18:28
Speaker 1: the friend hates me and has distanced himself from my
18:31
Speaker 1: boyfriend because of me. My boyfriend has reached out a
18:34
Speaker 1: few times. They've even had a talk where they agreed
18:36
Speaker 1: to keep their friendship and not evolve the girls in
18:38
Speaker 1: that discussion. But after that, the friend keeps just distancing
18:42
Speaker 1: himself from my boyfriend again and making my boyfriend sad.
18:45
Speaker 1: They ran into each other, and my kind boyfriend, of course,
18:49
Speaker 1: showed nothing but kindness and extended the olive branch yet
18:51
Speaker 1: again to see if he wanted to catch up. This
18:53
Speaker 1: is making me anxious. I feel deep down this guy
18:56
Speaker 1: has a good heart, but it honestly hurt a lot
18:59
Speaker 1: being switched on when he even admitted I'd done nothing
19:02
Speaker 1: to him directly. I want to be supportive of the
19:05
Speaker 1: people who mattered to my boyfriend, but this friend has
19:07
Speaker 1: now just been hateful to me when we really got
19:10
Speaker 1: along like a house on fire, but he switched on
19:12
Speaker 1: me based on the lies the girl told him. He's
19:15
Speaker 1: also been distant to my boyfriend. He's done nothing but
19:17
Speaker 1: try to be kind to him. Is this something I
19:19
Speaker 1: should support? What would you do? And if you think
19:23
Speaker 1: I have to let go and let him do what
19:24
Speaker 1: he wants? How can I be supportive but not feel
19:28
Speaker 1: so anxious about what the friend thinks slash says about me?
19:31
Speaker 1: How can I stop caring about what other people think
19:34
Speaker 1: and say about me? The girl turned everything upside down
19:37
Speaker 1: because I stood up for myself. She used to call
19:39
Speaker 1: me soft, so she was taken aback when I stood
19:41
Speaker 1: strong instead of caving to her yelling and her attacking.
19:46
Speaker 1: Seems she couldn't control me, so she controlled how people
19:48
Speaker 1: saw me instead. I'd appreciate any thoughts you have on this,
19:51
Speaker 1: because I don't want to stop my boyfriend from doing
19:53
Speaker 1: what he wants to do. But I'm so anxious now.
19:57
Speaker 1: I actually don't think you're stopping your boyfriend from doing
19:59
Speaker 1: what he wants to do. It seems like you've fully
20:01
Speaker 1: encouraged your boyfriend to maintain a friendship with this guy,
20:04
Speaker 1: and it is the guy that's not interested in having
20:06
Speaker 1: a friendship with your boyfriend. There's nothing that you can do.
20:09
Speaker 1: You could say to your boyfriend fucking go out, go
20:12
Speaker 1: fucking go on a holiday with this guy, and the
20:15
Speaker 1: guy probably wouldn't agree to it. So I honestly think
20:17
Speaker 1: you have zero control right now in the outcome of
20:20
Speaker 1: what's going on. What I think is going on is
20:22
Speaker 1: that rightfully or wrongfully, fairly or unfairly between that couple,
20:29
Speaker 1: the girl and your boyfriend's friend, they have worked themselves up.
20:35
Speaker 1: They don't like you. They've created a narrative that they believe.
20:38
Speaker 1: Like I said, it doesn't matter if it's right or wrong,
20:40
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. It's not relevant to what I'm about
20:42
Speaker 1: to say. The point is that they have an idea
20:44
Speaker 1: in their head that is dictating or this friend, I
20:48
Speaker 1: should say, he has an idea in his head that
20:50
Speaker 1: is dictating how close he wants to be with your
20:53
Speaker 1: boyfriend and with you, and whether he believes this girl. Like,
20:58
Speaker 1: obviously he believes what this girl is saying. And normally
21:01
Speaker 1: you do believe your partner. Okay, it sucks, but they're dating.
21:05
Speaker 1: He's not going to be like, oh yeah, my girlfriend's
21:07
Speaker 1: a circle. I'm still going to be your friend. But
21:09
Speaker 1: like everything she says is a lie, obviously he believes.
21:12
Speaker 1: So if he thought she was a straight up liar,
21:14
Speaker 1: the likelihood of them even being together would kind of lower,
21:18
Speaker 1: if you know what I mean, Like I just it
21:19
Speaker 1: just it wouldn't really make sense. So he believes her.
21:23
Speaker 1: He buys into this, what she tells him, what they discussed.
21:27
Speaker 1: They emotionally buy into it, and so it skews how
21:32
Speaker 1: he feels towards your boyfriend. Now, there's nothing that you
21:35
Speaker 1: can do about it, nor should there be really if
21:39
Speaker 1: you've assessed your behavior and you can comfortably say, nap,
21:43
Speaker 1: I've calmed down, I've simmered down. I can look at
21:46
Speaker 1: my behavior and I genuinely think that I was fair,
21:50
Speaker 1: I was in the riot, I was just standing up
21:52
Speaker 1: for myself. Whatever, There's nothing I really have to apologize for.
21:55
Speaker 1: If you can comfortably say that, then there's really nothing
21:58
Speaker 1: that you can do, because if you thought that you
22:00
Speaker 1: were the dog in the situation, you could reach out,
22:02
Speaker 1: you could apologize all of that. But that's not really
22:04
Speaker 1: the case. As far as your boyfriend is concerned. It
22:09
Speaker 1: sucks for him that his friend has pulled away, but again,
22:14
Speaker 1: it's really not your boyfriend's like in your boyfriend's control. So,
22:19
Speaker 1: for example, if my friend and I had a really
22:21
Speaker 1: good friendship and both our boyfriends had a blowout and
22:25
Speaker 1: that affected my friend not talking to me or not
22:27
Speaker 1: wanting to see me, that's really on her. It's really
22:31
Speaker 1: going to be on her. So so if you were
22:33
Speaker 1: to flip the tables around and think if if your
22:35
Speaker 1: friend's going to be doing that to you and distancing
22:38
Speaker 1: yourself because they don't trust what's been said or whatever, then, unfortunately,
22:41
Speaker 1: it is the decay of a friendship because someone's got
22:44
Speaker 1: to believe someone. This guy's choosing to believe his girlfriend.
22:48
Speaker 1: He's choosing to side with her, he's choosing to see
22:50
Speaker 1: her side of things. He's choosing to emotionally distance himself
22:53
Speaker 1: further and further and further. And if I were both
22:56
Speaker 1: of you, I would just let it lie. I would
22:58
Speaker 1: just let it be. I wouldn't be forcing it anymore.
23:01
Speaker 1: You've reached out. Your boyfriend's reached out. He's tried to
23:04
Speaker 1: make it work. He's tried to make a friend and
23:06
Speaker 1: I think it's just one of those situations with his
23:08
Speaker 1: friendship at least temporarily is taking a hiatus. Okay, So
23:13
Speaker 1: I know it's hard for your boyfriend, But at the
23:15
Speaker 1: same time, this is a personality trait of that friend.
23:18
Speaker 1: You know you've done nothing wrong, and I'm sure your
23:21
Speaker 1: boyfriend knows that. So as sad as he is, it's
23:23
Speaker 1: not about it being your fault or whatever. It's because
23:25
Speaker 1: his friend can't rationalize and see that he still has
23:30
Speaker 1: value in the friendship with your boyfriend. Honestly, there's nothing
23:32
Speaker 1: that you should do. I would do absolutely nothing in
23:35
Speaker 1: your situation. Because if someone doesn't want to be my friend,
23:39
Speaker 1: the last thing I'm going to do is force them
23:40
Speaker 1: to be my friend. If someone has people will reject
23:43
Speaker 1: you a thousand times before they have to reject you
23:45
Speaker 1: verbally a thousand times, and we allow ourselves to be
23:48
Speaker 1: rejected again and again and again. If someone has shown,
23:51
Speaker 1: based on their actions, that they're not interested in seeing you,
23:53
Speaker 1: they're not interested in reaching out the olive branch. They're
23:55
Speaker 1: not interested in accepting your apology or accepting your peace offering.
23:58
Speaker 1: They're not interested in reaching out to you, instigating, initiating
24:02
Speaker 1: none of that repeatedly. Right, That is a rejection. So
24:09
Speaker 1: I know it's hard, But what your boyfriend needs to
24:11
Speaker 1: understand is that he has been rejected by his friend
24:13
Speaker 1: and he needs to accept that. If the friend then
24:16
Speaker 1: later on down the line turns around and says, WHOA,
24:18
Speaker 1: I was such an idiot, I'm so sorry, I was blinded,
24:20
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah, then it's up to your boyfriend
24:22
Speaker 1: if he wants to be like, yeah, cool, accept your apology.
24:24
Speaker 1: We can be friends again or not. But that's an
24:26
Speaker 1: issue or a problem of the future if that ever
24:28
Speaker 1: does happen. But what's happening right now is that you
24:31
Speaker 1: are being told your boyfriend is being told repeatedly, I'm
24:34
Speaker 1: not interested in this friendship and you need to accept that. Okay,
24:37
Speaker 1: you need to accept that because pushing against rejection like
24:40
Speaker 1: why would you force someone to want to be your friend?
24:42
Speaker 1: Crazy behavior? Don't do it? Okay, Next question, last question
24:49
Speaker 1: for the episode His Mum Hates Me? Is the title love?
24:53
Speaker 1: The title? All right? High Lexis. I know you probably
24:57
Speaker 1: hear this often, but I truly appreciate your podcast and
24:59
Speaker 1: your perspective life. Your insights has been incredibly valuable to me,
25:03
Speaker 1: so I'm grateful for the knowledge you share. Thank you.
25:06
Speaker 1: I'm reaching out because i'd love your input on handling
25:09
Speaker 1: family influence in a relationship. My boyfriend and I have
25:12
Speaker 1: been together for a little over a year and we're
25:14
Speaker 1: both twenty eight. About five months into our relationship, he
25:18
Speaker 1: told me that his mother doesn't like me, despite never
25:21
Speaker 1: having met me. At the time, I didn't dwell on it,
25:25
Speaker 1: as he reassured me that she takes time to warm
25:27
Speaker 1: up to new people and that things would change once
25:29
Speaker 1: she got to know me. However, as time has passed,
25:32
Speaker 1: her disapproval seems to have intensified. She frequently questions his
25:36
Speaker 1: whereabouts they live together, and he faces almost daily arguments
25:40
Speaker 1: with her when he comes to see me. To this day,
25:43
Speaker 1: I still haven't met her. From what my boyfriend has shared,
25:46
Speaker 1: her concerns seemed to stem from from the fact that
25:49
Speaker 1: I'm on a visa while he's Australian born, that I'm
25:52
Speaker 1: physically distant from my family, and that I don't fit
25:55
Speaker 1: her idea of a suitable partner, someone with a full
25:57
Speaker 1: time career rather than studying full time. Fast forward to now,
26:01
Speaker 1: and I'm seeing how much this is affecting our relationship.
26:04
Speaker 1: He's been seeing me less often, sometimes going three weeks
26:07
Speaker 1: or more without making time for a date or even
26:09
Speaker 1: a simple hangout, even though we live just ten minutes apart.
26:11
Speaker 1: He often seems exhausted, and whenever I bring up concerns
26:15
Speaker 1: about our connection, he withdraws and asks for space. He
26:18
Speaker 1: sleeps through most of his three days and barely does
26:20
Speaker 1: the hobbies that made him light up. Recently, we had
26:23
Speaker 1: a conversation where he admitted to feeling overwhelmed. His mother
26:26
Speaker 1: had given him an ultimatum either end our relationship and
26:29
Speaker 1: remain loyal to the family, or she would take steps
26:31
Speaker 1: to alienate him from them. Oh so much to say
26:34
Speaker 1: to this. While I deeply empathize with how difficult this
26:37
Speaker 1: must be for him, I don't want to feel like
26:39
Speaker 1: I'm in a battle for our relationship, especially when I'm
26:42
Speaker 1: not sure if he truly wants to fight for it himself.
26:45
Speaker 1: I care about him deeply, and I'd love to navigate
26:47
Speaker 1: this situation with him rather than against him. However, I
26:50
Speaker 1: also don't want to pressure him into choosing between me
26:52
Speaker 1: and my family. I'd love to hear your perspective on
26:55
Speaker 1: how to handle this dynamic in a way that respects
26:57
Speaker 1: both his position and my well being. Look looking forward
27:00
Speaker 1: to your thoughts. I hate to say this to you
27:02
Speaker 1: because it sounds like you're trying to be a really
27:03
Speaker 1: peaceful person, but you fucking need to run for the
27:05
Speaker 1: hills and get the fuck away from that family immediately
27:09
Speaker 1: without hesitation. Okay, it sounds harsh, but if that man
27:13
Speaker 1: doesn't have a spine to stand up to his mother
27:15
Speaker 1: and say, cunt, you don't own me, I am a
27:19
Speaker 1: grown man twenty eight for fuck's sake, I'm a grown man,
27:23
Speaker 1: and if you don't, if you're going to police who
27:26
Speaker 1: I date, you're alienating yourself out of my life. Okay,
27:29
Speaker 1: this is the crazy mummies. This mummy's boy like weird vibes,
27:36
Speaker 1: weird fucking vibes. I can tell you right now, if
27:40
Speaker 1: if he managed to somehow balance this fine line where
27:44
Speaker 1: he's appeasing his mum and getting to keep you in
27:47
Speaker 1: his life, you are going to suffer for the rest
27:49
Speaker 1: of your life. You are going to be stuck dating
27:51
Speaker 1: that woman for the rest of your fucking life. Get
27:53
Speaker 1: out off there, get rid of him, get rid of her.
27:56
Speaker 1: I've seen it happen. I've seen it happen to very
27:58
Speaker 1: close friends of mine, and it has eroded at them.
28:01
Speaker 1: It is eroded, eroded, eroded, and eventually it still breaks
28:04
Speaker 1: up the relationship anyway, and they walk away feeling so
28:07
Speaker 1: lost and hurt. They pour their heart and soul into it,
28:10
Speaker 1: They try and make their partner feel so love, but
28:13
Speaker 1: their mom just won't accept. This has nothing to do
28:15
Speaker 1: with you being on a visa. This has nothing to
28:17
Speaker 1: do with you not like bullshit bullshit, And the reason
28:21
Speaker 1: for that is, how can you dislike somebody when you
28:25
Speaker 1: haven't met them. She doesn't like that you are. It's
28:28
Speaker 1: the typical that mom's son. Weird fucking dynamic that some
28:33
Speaker 1: mothers have where they think that it's like, I'm the
28:36
Speaker 1: only woman in your life, Like, get a life, caunt,
28:39
Speaker 1: and get a purpose for starters to the mother, not
28:42
Speaker 1: to you. And also those women that cannot, all those
28:47
Speaker 1: mothers that cannot acknowledge that when their son finds love,
28:51
Speaker 1: when their son finds a healthy relationship that's actually a
28:54
Speaker 1: good thing, they look at it as a threat. Obviously,
28:56
Speaker 1: this woman finds her purpose and her identity as being
28:59
Speaker 1: his mother, and she's looking at you, no matter who
29:02
Speaker 1: you are, as a threat. So it's really something that
29:08
Speaker 1: will probably never change. And there's probably no woman on
29:12
Speaker 1: this earth that could swoop on in and make the
29:17
Speaker 1: mother feel comfortable because unless he just didn't love that woman,
29:21
Speaker 1: and therefore the mother still feels like the number one
29:22
Speaker 1: woman in his life. She wants to be the number
29:25
Speaker 1: one woman in his life. So the only solution is
29:28
Speaker 1: for him to be with someone who's a fucking dormat
29:31
Speaker 1: that he doesn't love. And how sad is that, you know? Like,
29:35
Speaker 1: and also, do you want to date a man or
29:37
Speaker 1: do you want to date a boy? Because he's acting
29:39
Speaker 1: like a little bitch at this point, Okay, get a backbone, caun't.
29:44
Speaker 1: And the reason I say this is because if if
29:47
Speaker 1: it worked out with him, imagine when you have fucking children,
29:53
Speaker 1: who's he prioritizing his mother or you, you and the children,
29:59
Speaker 1: or the I'm being outed from the family, I'm being
30:02
Speaker 1: like what? And another thing, the fact that she's threatened
30:08
Speaker 1: to here would go. What does it say? Is it?
30:10
Speaker 1: Because I need to quote it because it's just craziness.
30:13
Speaker 1: You said his mother has given him an ultimatum either
30:17
Speaker 1: end our relationship and remain loyal to the family. What
30:21
Speaker 1: do you mean remain loyal to the family. What has
30:23
Speaker 1: dating somebody got to do with loyalty to your family. Also,
30:28
Speaker 1: when you're an adult, it's you are starting a new family.
30:31
Speaker 1: This is what a lot of parents, psychopathic parents can't grasp.
30:34
Speaker 1: His new family is you and if you choose to
30:37
Speaker 1: have kids, the kids, that's the new family. You can
30:40
Speaker 1: still have a very close relationship with your parents, but
30:43
Speaker 1: your new, your new like insular family, is your partner
30:46
Speaker 1: and your children. So she doesn't want to let go
30:49
Speaker 1: of that. She's not willing to allow him to live
30:52
Speaker 1: his fucking life like a normal human being. So she's
30:54
Speaker 1: giving him an ultimatum loyal to the family. So there's
30:57
Speaker 1: the guilt, gilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, or she will tell steps,
31:01
Speaker 1: she says, she will take steps to alienate him from them.
31:06
Speaker 1: If my family and I'm very close with my family,
31:09
Speaker 1: if my family ever ever pulled that stunt on me,
31:13
Speaker 1: I would say, you know what, go ahead, try and
31:16
Speaker 1: alienate me from my family. You can alienate yourself from
31:19
Speaker 1: my life, but I'm still gonna have a relationship with
31:21
Speaker 1: my other parent, with my siblings, with my cousins, with
31:24
Speaker 1: my aunties and uncles. It's your fucking problem. If you
31:26
Speaker 1: don't want to be in my life, be my guest again. Like,
31:29
Speaker 1: just like I said with the last piece of advice,
31:31
Speaker 1: if someone has rejected you, allow them to walk away.
31:33
Speaker 1: Facilitate the rejection. Why are you making yourself struggle if
31:37
Speaker 1: someone doesn't want to be in your life. Honestly, congratulations,
31:41
Speaker 1: I'm making it so fucking easy for you. I'm not
31:43
Speaker 1: going to stand in your way. However, they can't dictate
31:47
Speaker 1: anything else about alienating you from the family unless the
31:49
Speaker 1: rest of the family a bunch of fucking psychopaths as well.
31:53
Speaker 1: And if that's the case, why is it worth even
31:55
Speaker 1: having a relationship with them. But at the end of
31:57
Speaker 1: the day, this has nothing to do with him, because
32:00
Speaker 1: he's not standing here asking for advice. This man has
32:02
Speaker 1: no spine, and you're going to bear the brunt of
32:05
Speaker 1: the fact that he has no spine for the rest
32:06
Speaker 1: of your life if you choose to be with him
32:08
Speaker 1: and it now. Leave is what I would do, And
32:11
Speaker 1: I normally don't give such brutal advice, but I'm telling
32:14
Speaker 1: you right now you are staring down the barrel of
32:17
Speaker 1: a very unhappy marriage, very unhappy relationship. You are going
32:21
Speaker 1: to be Oh, I can't think of anything worse. Run
32:24
Speaker 1: for the hills. Run for the hills and find and
32:27
Speaker 1: also him sleeping all day and not seeing you for
32:30
Speaker 1: three it. Get away from this cunt. Get away, Oh,
32:33
Speaker 1: I can't think of anything was I'm just like vividly
32:36
Speaker 1: picturing one of my very close friends who had a
32:38
Speaker 1: very similar situation to you. She's now moved on to
32:42
Speaker 1: a much healthier, much more fun, much better relationship, but
32:45
Speaker 1: at the time it was just simply awful and she
32:48
Speaker 1: put up with so much shit, and he would always
32:50
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, no, my mum really doesn't like you.
32:53
Speaker 1: But every Sunday, Let's go and spend hours and hours
32:56
Speaker 1: and hours at her house, knowing that you're uncomfortable. He
32:58
Speaker 1: had no spine, and then he and ended up leaving
33:00
Speaker 1: her because it just couldn't handle the fact that the
33:03
Speaker 1: mum was so unhappy. And now it's been years and
33:06
Speaker 1: he's living back at home attached to like her fucking teat.
33:11
Speaker 1: I don't know anyway, So get away is all I
33:14
Speaker 1: have to say. Get away from this man. Guys, thank
33:16
Speaker 1: you so much for listening to today's episode. Got very
33:18
Speaker 1: passionate there, but needed to be done. If you want
33:23
Speaker 1: to send in your questions, email info at dyfmpod dot
33:26
Speaker 1: com and have me scream at you like I just did.
33:29
Speaker 1: Or you can send in a voice note as well.
33:32
Speaker 1: Just go on to www dot dfmpod dot com and
33:35
Speaker 1: there's a little link there and you can send in
33:38
Speaker 1: a little voice message to me. Love this so much.
33:42
Speaker 1: Hopefully you can apply this to your life and cut
33:45
Speaker 1: the dead weight whenever necessary and not deal with fucked
33:48
Speaker 1: in laws. There are some really good in laws out there.
33:51
Speaker 1: Don't waste your time with shit ones. Do not waste
33:53
Speaker 1: your time with shit ones, because you're gonna you one
33:56
Speaker 1: day like, you'll leave this relationship, and this is not
34:00
Speaker 1: just you, but anyone who's in a similar situation. And
34:02
Speaker 1: then one day you'll be in a situation with really
34:04
Speaker 1: healthy in laws, really healthy relationships where you actually love them,
34:09
Speaker 1: and you'll be like, how the fuck was I contemplating
34:12
Speaker 1: settling for in laws that hated me? Like how is
34:15
Speaker 1: this a thing? Because if you're gonna be in the
34:18
Speaker 1: dynamic where your in laws hate you and your partner's
34:20
Speaker 1: okay with that, your partner is the problem big time. Anyway.
34:25
Speaker 1: That is all for today, Love you guys so much.
34:27
Speaker 1: As always, remember be kind to yourself, be kind to
34:29
Speaker 1: your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't
34:32
Speaker 1: take shit from yourself. Dunker