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Boundaries — Breaking the Pattern Beneath Them · The Whole Hearted Woman

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Wholehearted Woman Podcast, a Christ-centered space where faith meets emotional healing and the quiet work of heart restoration.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Kristen Ray, and around here we talk honestly about the places in life where our hearts have been shaped, sometimes by love, sometimes by pain, and how God gently restores us back into wholeness.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because your heart hasn't just been shaped by what hurt you, it's also been shaped by how you learn to love, how you learn to show up, how you learn to feel valued, and all of that is still influencing how we live today.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you listened to the last episode, you may have found yourself thinking, I understand why this is so hard now, but I still don't know what to do.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know you need a boundary, you feel it, but when the moment comes, you freeze, you overexplain, you say yes when you meant no, or you walk away feeling so guilty.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And for some of you, this isn't just a situation, it's a relationship.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a family member, maybe it's someone close to you, maybe it's someone who doesn't respond well when you try to set limits, and you're left wondering, how do I love this person and still protect my heart?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: How do I set a boundary without feeling guilty?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: How do I do this in a way that honors God?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going deeper than behavior.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: We're getting to the root.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's dig in.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: There's something underneath why boundaries feel so difficult for so many women, and it's this.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: We have a deep need to be liked, loved, and accepted.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now hear me, that's human.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: We were created for connection, we were created for relationship.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: From a young age, we were taught to be kind, to do the right thing, to get along with everybody, and to be accepted.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And for some of us, that wasn't nurtured in safety.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: For me, home didn't feel safe.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: The first eight years of my life were marked by fear.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And when there should have been safety, there were eggshells.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: When there should have been nurturing, there was neglect.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And something begins to form in a child in that environment.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was a very likable child.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was talkative and expressive, but as I got older, I became more insecure, anxious, and unsure of who I could trust.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was shy, I was timid and afraid.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And without realizing it, I became a target.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to be like so badly.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to belong and be accepted, and I tried and tried and tried, but it never worked.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: But what I didn't understand at that time was this.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns were forming in my heart.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Years later, I could finally see it.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: On the one hand, I had a genuine heart.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: I had lots of joy, kindness, and a desire to be good.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: But underneath that, I didn't know how to protect my heart.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know I could say no or speak up or recognize mistreatment.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I felt it, but I didn't know I didn't have to tolerate it.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where so many women live.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: We become women who give and give and give, and we find ourselves in relationships where others take advantage of that.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's a pattern of giving and receiving.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And when that gets out of balance, something breaks.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Resentment can build, exhaustion can set in, and confusion grows because you're doing what you've always done, but you're still ending up hurt all the time.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Different person, same pattern.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember a moment with God that changed everything for me.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: There was a season where he would speak to me in the quiet space between sleep and wake, and one morning he said, Do not conform to the pattern.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Just that.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: It was from Romans 12, too.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: He wasn't asking me to try harder.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: He was asking me to become aware.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: He was asking me to think about what patterns am I living from?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: What patterns am I agreeing with?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: God often reveals something before he wants to transform it.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where everything began to shift because I realized I wasn't just being nice.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was operating for years out of my wound in fear of rejection and needing to be accepted.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you felt that too.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know what you should say, but something inside you won't let you say it.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's not weakness.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's a belief that hasn't been healed yet.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Before we talk about what to say, we have to start here.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: We have to know boundaries don't begin with our words, they begin with our beliefs.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because before we can ever say no out loud, our hearts have to believe it's allowed.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: If deep down you believe I'm responsible for everyone, I shouldn't disappoint anybody, and saying no is unloving and not Christ-like, then setting a boundary will feel almost impossible to us.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is why boundaries are not just behavioral, they are deeply connected to what's been formed within you.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most important shifts I find is this.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I have to look at what is mine to carry and what is not.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a process.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: You are responsible for your choices, your words, and your responses.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you are not responsible for someone else's reaction, someone else's emotions, and how they feel about your boundary.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where we all get exhausted because we've been carrying things that were never ours to carry.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: So let's make this simple.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries don't need long explanations, they need clarity.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can say, I'm not able to do that right now, or I need to step away from this conversation, or that doesn't feel healthy for me, or I'm not comfortable with that, or I won't continue if I'm spoken to that way.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So in that, we don't need to justify or overexplain or convince anyone.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever felt like if I don't explain enough, they won't understand.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are not about agreement, they're about clarity.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And this is important.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries often feel uncomfortable before they feel freeing.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes people won't respond well.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the times they won't.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: They may push back, get upset, try to make you feel guilty because they've always seen you a certain way and expect you to be that way.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that often means the boundary was needed.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where it gets really real because sometimes the person you need to set a boundary with is someone you love.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And you feel the tension between honoring them and protecting your heart.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: But hear this honoring someone does not mean allowing harm.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Loving someone does not mean losing yourself.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is create space for what is healthy.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because healing isn't just seeing the pattern, it's surrendering it.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's a truth God had to teach me.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: He had to teach me I'm not God.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Before I knew him, I thought I was everyone's savior.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then he had to teach me, I don't have to fix everybody, I don't have to carry everything, and I don't have to save people.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hallelujah.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because the same God who cares for me cares for them.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where boundaries become possible.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not from hardness and not from fear, but from truth.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's learning to stay rooted in the truth, like a tree planted by living water.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's not climbing into every situation to rescue people, but staying anchored.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it's extending a hand without losing yourself.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what I gently walk people through in the five-day wholehearted woman starter guide.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because this isn't random.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: There's a pathway from identity, wounds, patterns, surrender, and wholeness.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're listening and thinking that's me, you can start there.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to get this perfect and you don't have to figure it all out today.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Just begin.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because as God restores your heart, he also teaches you how to steward it.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd like to close in prayer right now.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Father, thank you that you are the God who restores what has been broken.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you that you are near to us.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're not distant, especially in the places that we're challenged and have been wounded.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Lord, I lift up the woman listening right now, the ones who feel tired, the ones who feel stretched thin, the ones who have been giving and giving and doesn't know how to stop.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Would you meet her right there?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Would you gently break every agreement she's made with patterns that were never from you?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Quiet every voice of fear and tormenting lie that says she has to earn love and establish within her a covenant of peace.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Teach her that she is safe.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: She's safe to say no.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: She's safe to trust you.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: She's safe to live from your truth.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Remove what has been draining her, Lord.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Restore what has been lost and plant her like a tree rooted in you, stable, protected, and flourishing.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Remind her she is not the source for everybody.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: You are.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Remind her she can release what she's been carrying to you and trust you to be God.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: In Jesus' name, Amen.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode spoke to you, I encourage you to follow or subscribe to the Whole Hearted Woman podcast so you don't miss what's coming next.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And if someone came to your mind while listening, feel free to share it.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can download the five-day heart healing starter guide at heart to heartministry.com.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the word heart, the number two, the wordheart ministry.com.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you can email me with any feedback or questions or anything at Kristen at Hearttohe Ministry.com.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's Kristen K-R-I-S-T-E-N at the wordheart, the number two, the wordheartministry.com.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, your heart matters deeply to God.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: He is faithful to lead you into wholeness.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to figure this all out alone.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to stay stuck in the pattern.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll see you next time in the next episode.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: God bless.