Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #557 Parenting Myths - Part 1

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#557 Parenting Myths - Part 1 · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers now.
0:10
Speaker 2: Using a child's relative successes or failures as a measure
0:14
Speaker 2: of whether we are or aren't a good parent is
0:16
Speaker 2: unhelpful and unhealthy, but many of us take that as
0:20
Speaker 2: a signal that our parenting is on the right track.
0:22
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my Mum
0:25
Speaker 1: and Dado.
0:27
Speaker 2: I can't even speak. Oh gosh, it's a Bundai. Welcome
0:31
Speaker 2: to it. Hello, Hello, Hello, Johnny. Wait, why the British accent?
0:36
Speaker 3: I'm wondering myself for you?
0:39
Speaker 2: No, for you? Did I do a British accent? Or
0:42
Speaker 2: do I sound oker?
0:43
Speaker 3: I think it was a bit of both. Might be
0:45
Speaker 3: a little bit confused.
0:45
Speaker 2: Apologies to all Britts who are listening right now, who
0:47
Speaker 2: are hearing missus. Happy Families called you Oka. I'm going
0:50
Speaker 2: to throw you under the bus with that one. Alo
0:52
Speaker 2: is what I'm trying to say. Hello, it's a new week.
0:55
Speaker 2: We've got some important things to talk about that are parenting.
0:57
Speaker 2: I'm doctor Justin Colson, you're Kylie, my wife, Mundo, our
0:59
Speaker 2: six kids. I'm the founder of Happy Families dot com,
1:02
Speaker 2: dot Au and this is the Happy Families podcast.
1:04
Speaker 3: At least you're not confused about everything.
1:05
Speaker 2: Well, now we're in the swing of things. Don't waste
1:08
Speaker 2: my momentum, otherwise I'll lose where we are. This week
1:12
Speaker 2: a very special week of episodes. We're going to tackle
1:16
Speaker 2: parenting myths all week long and I can't wait to
1:21
Speaker 2: get into it. There's so much to talk about here
1:23
Speaker 2: when it comes to myths. On Wednesday, an important interview
1:26
Speaker 2: with James Anderson about the myths around how our minds
1:30
Speaker 2: work with our children. But today missus Happy Families. What
1:34
Speaker 2: it means to be a good parent? What does it
1:37
Speaker 2: mean to be a good parent? That's what we're going
1:39
Speaker 2: to discuss. And You've got a couple of myths for
1:41
Speaker 2: us to explore and explode as well. Where are we
1:44
Speaker 2: going with this? What's the first one?
1:46
Speaker 3: Well, I've got being a good mum means to self sacrifice.
1:49
Speaker 2: Well, i'd say being a good parent because that's experienced
1:52
Speaker 2: the same part of pressure, maybe not maybe not the
1:54
Speaker 2: same level of guilt that mums do. But yeah, there's
1:56
Speaker 2: that idea of self sacrifice means to be a good parent.
1:59
Speaker 3: And we're going to talk a little bit about what
2:02
Speaker 3: it means if you're a good parent, you'll put to
2:05
Speaker 3: your kids before your spouse.
2:07
Speaker 2: Before we talk about those two myths, I just had
2:09
Speaker 2: a thought, So I'm going back to Parental Guide ince
2:11
Speaker 2: season one for those of you who didn't see it.
2:14
Speaker 2: In the final episode, we brought our finalists together around
2:18
Speaker 2: the fireplace and they opened up a letter that they'd
2:20
Speaker 2: written themselves before they went on the show, and the
2:23
Speaker 2: letter was really about what they hoped to get out
2:25
Speaker 2: of the show and how they felt about their kids.
2:27
Speaker 2: And I remember as they read the letter, our Tiger parents,
2:32
Speaker 2: Kevin and Debbie, looked at one another and they said,
2:35
Speaker 2: am I a good mom? Yes? Definitely, And I believe
2:40
Speaker 2: false your children will agree with me. They will consider
2:45
Speaker 2: themselves extremely lucky to have a month make you. It
2:48
Speaker 2: was such a beautiful, heartfelt moment. I'm my good parent.
2:50
Speaker 2: But I've reflected on that a lot. But we take
2:52
Speaker 2: parenting very seriously, not just at happy families, but in
2:55
Speaker 2: Western society, we take parenting very very seriously. And even
2:58
Speaker 2: though we've got decade of parenting science to guide us
3:02
Speaker 2: in our parenting, we really can't prepare ourselves to what
3:05
Speaker 2: parenting will require of us. Would you say that's fair, Yeah, totally,
3:10
Speaker 2: Like you get behind.
3:12
Speaker 3: Just when you think it's all over because they move
3:14
Speaker 3: out of home, you realize that it's actually still going.
3:17
Speaker 2: It's all life type thing. Don't scare people. A lot
3:21
Speaker 2: of people are dealing with their one year old right now,
3:22
Speaker 2: going no, no, don't say that to me. But there's
3:26
Speaker 2: all these messes of daily life. There's so much research
3:28
Speaker 2: that's supposed to guide us, and we want to get
3:30
Speaker 2: things right because if we get things right, that means
3:33
Speaker 2: that we've been good parents. But what's right? Well, that's
3:35
Speaker 2: exactly what I was going to ask you. What does
3:37
Speaker 2: it mean to get parenting right? And how do we
3:38
Speaker 2: know that we're getting it right and that we're being
3:40
Speaker 2: good at what we do with all of these unexpected moments.
3:43
Speaker 2: That tries because frankly, there is so much parenting research
3:46
Speaker 2: to be done. There are so few answers that we
3:50
Speaker 2: really truly have and.
3:52
Speaker 3: From experience, just when you think you're getting it right,
3:56
Speaker 3: in the next breath, something goes wrong.
4:00
Speaker 2: But does that mean that you're not getting it right
4:02
Speaker 2: just because the kids aren't playing by the rules of
4:05
Speaker 2: the expectation that you've got in your mind. Does that
4:07
Speaker 2: mean you're not getting it right.
4:09
Speaker 3: It's interesting. I just had a conversation with our elders
4:12
Speaker 3: the other day. I was kind of having a little
4:13
Speaker 3: bit of a meltdown because we had a few children
4:16
Speaker 3: dealing with different challenges.
4:17
Speaker 2: So, for those of you who are k new to
4:18
Speaker 2: the podcast, our eldest is in her twenties. She's been
4:21
Speaker 2: married for a few years now and moved out of
4:24
Speaker 2: home and living her life.
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Speaker 3: And she just kind of joked with me and she said, Mum,
4:28
Speaker 3: she said, I'm looking at my siblings, and she said,
4:32
Speaker 3: each one of us has brought a different challenge to
4:35
Speaker 3: the table for you, and Dad.
4:38
Speaker 2: Only one one, Oh my goodness.
4:41
Speaker 3: And I kind of reflect her on that, and it's like,
4:43
Speaker 3: I just feel like we've worked through this particular challenge
4:46
Speaker 3: and we can't even use what we've learned from there
4:49
Speaker 3: with the next one because it's a totally different challenge,
4:52
Speaker 3: the totally different skill set required to navigate this particular
4:58
Speaker 3: difficulty that child's going through.
5:01
Speaker 2: Last week, when we had that episode about dad rage,
5:04
Speaker 2: your parent rage, one of the key themes that we
5:07
Speaker 2: emphasized in that episode was parenting teaches you a lot
5:11
Speaker 2: about yourself. It's going through these challenges with the children
5:14
Speaker 2: where you learn about yourself. And I think that when
5:17
Speaker 2: we consider what it is to be a good parent,
5:19
Speaker 2: we've got our metrics all wrong. We're looking at the
5:21
Speaker 2: wrong thing, Like do you look at how your child's
5:25
Speaker 2: turning out and use that as a metric. But even
5:28
Speaker 2: if you do turning out when like now, or turning
5:31
Speaker 2: out in five years or once they're an adult, or
5:34
Speaker 2: if they're the ducks of kinder or prep, does that
5:36
Speaker 2: mean that we're nailing it? Or if they're one of
5:38
Speaker 2: the good looking popular lines, does that mean that we're
5:40
Speaker 2: good parents? Or is it just a question of lucky genes.
5:44
Speaker 3: It's so interesting when you put it like that, because
5:46
Speaker 3: the reality is I don't look at anyone else, any
5:52
Speaker 3: other relationship to determine whether or not I'm a good person. Yeah,
5:57
Speaker 3: because the reality is each has the agency to make
6:02
Speaker 3: their own choices, regardless of what's going on around them
6:06
Speaker 3: or who's taught them. And yet, as a parent, because
6:11
Speaker 3: I am so emotionally invested right in this human being's
6:16
Speaker 3: life and their choices, I think that it determines whether
6:21
Speaker 3: or not I've been a good parent or not.
6:24
Speaker 2: So I wrote something that I want to read to you.
6:26
Speaker 2: I haven't shared this with you before, but I wrote
6:28
Speaker 2: something that highlights what you're saying and goes into it
6:33
Speaker 2: a little bit more depth. And I've really thought about
6:35
Speaker 2: this a lot, So tell me what you think about this.
6:38
Speaker 2: Here's what I said. Using a child's relative successes or
6:41
Speaker 2: failures in comparison appears as a measure of whether we
6:45
Speaker 2: are or aren't a good parent is unhelpful and unhealthy.
6:48
Speaker 2: But many of us take that as a signal that
6:51
Speaker 2: our parenting is on the right track, that we're doing
6:53
Speaker 2: well in the parenting stakes. But is how your child
6:56
Speaker 2: turns out even relevant to being a good parent. What
6:59
Speaker 2: if your child has ADHD and in spite of his
7:01
Speaker 2: genius mental ability, he has limited capacity to inhibit his
7:04
Speaker 2: behavior and so doesn't fulfill his academic potential. Oh and
7:08
Speaker 2: he's clumsy with social situations. You watch from a distance
7:11
Speaker 2: as he stumbles in his efforts to make friends. You
7:13
Speaker 2: know he has a beautiful heart, he's a gorgeous kid.
7:16
Speaker 2: He just can't seem to get it together. Does that
7:18
Speaker 2: mean you're not a good parent? What if you've provided
7:21
Speaker 2: a nurturing environment, built trust, had all of the important
7:24
Speaker 2: conversations been present and the experiment with alcohol or other drugs,
7:28
Speaker 2: make morally questionable choices, or drop out of school to
7:31
Speaker 2: pursue their art, even if that art is making YouTube
7:35
Speaker 2: videos or becoming a Twitch streamer. And are you a
7:38
Speaker 2: good parent while your children are young and compliant, but
7:40
Speaker 2: once they're in their teens and making independent choices that
7:42
Speaker 2: conflict with your value system and are now bad parent?
7:45
Speaker 2: That idea that we use the measure of our children's
7:49
Speaker 2: character as a reflection on the success that we've had
7:51
Speaker 2: as a parent, or the measure of our children's successes
7:55
Speaker 2: as a reflection of how good we are as a parent,
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Speaker 2: It just doesn't make sense. That's something that we've got
8:01
Speaker 2: to get past. I think parenting is about us, not
8:06
Speaker 2: the kids. That's why it's called parenting. If it was
8:08
Speaker 2: about the kids, it would be called children ing.
8:11
Speaker 3: Well, I know, as I matured and you know, kind
8:13
Speaker 3: of became an adult, and people would, you know, constantly
8:16
Speaker 3: tell me that you know, I had these amazing parents
8:19
Speaker 3: and that you know, they they would be really proud
8:22
Speaker 3: of who I'd become. There was just there was this
8:25
Speaker 3: idea that I was who I was because of what
8:29
Speaker 3: they had done. And I felt like it took away
8:34
Speaker 3: from my own.
8:35
Speaker 2: Accomplishments or your own development, and.
8:38
Speaker 3: The fact that while I recognize, hands down I am
8:43
Speaker 3: the person I am today because in part of them
8:47
Speaker 3: their influence. Yeah, but ultimately it comes down to the
8:51
Speaker 3: choices I've made as a result of the things that
8:53
Speaker 3: they've taught me that make me who I am.
8:56
Speaker 2: That's a great comment. I'm so grateful to my parents
8:59
Speaker 2: for everything that they did for me, but I feel
9:01
Speaker 2: like I'm who I am because of the choices that
9:02
Speaker 2: I've made building on the foundation of the environment that
9:05
Speaker 2: they created for me and the support that they gave
9:07
Speaker 2: me as a child. Yeah, and I reckon Most people
9:10
Speaker 2: who will listen to this would say the same thing. Yeah,
9:11
Speaker 2: appreciate my parents, grateful what they did, But I've made
9:14
Speaker 2: these choices. I've taken myself to the place that I
9:17
Speaker 2: am today. For better or for worse, It's on me,
9:20
Speaker 2: it's not on them. So this is a little bit theoretical.
9:24
Speaker 2: Let's talk about those myths right after the break. Dads
9:31
Speaker 2: are pretty awesome. Just ask me. Today, more dads are
9:34
Speaker 2: more involved with their children's lives than ever before, and
9:37
Speaker 2: research shows that their children are really benefiting from it,
9:40
Speaker 2: but too often dads don't realize just how vital they
9:44
Speaker 2: really are. In the Dadding Done Right webinar, join me,
9:47
Speaker 2: is I examine how dads can be a fantastic support,
9:50
Speaker 2: the ideal role model, and an excellent all round best
9:53
Speaker 2: dad ever. Check out Dadding Done Right at the Happy
9:56
Speaker 2: Families webshop.
9:58
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast podcast with a time poor
10:01
Speaker 3: parent who just wants answers? Now really interested where this
10:04
Speaker 3: conversation is going to go?
10:05
Speaker 1: Well?
10:05
Speaker 2: I really enjoyed that first part of our conversation just now.
10:09
Speaker 2: It wasn't supposed to go on for that long, but
10:10
Speaker 2: I love where we went. Let's unpack this first myth
10:13
Speaker 2: of being a good parent. What is it?
10:17
Speaker 3: Being a good parent means to self sacrifice?
10:19
Speaker 1: Yeah?
10:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Okay, So you've got a few things to
10:21
Speaker 2: say about this. As a mum of six kids, where
10:23
Speaker 2: do you want to start?
10:25
Speaker 3: I think that as a society, it is one hundred
10:29
Speaker 3: percent kind of an expectation that if you want to
10:32
Speaker 3: be a good parent, then you have to actually forego
10:35
Speaker 3: the things that you want in order to put your
10:38
Speaker 3: children first. And I've spent most of my mother in
10:43
Speaker 3: feeling like that was expected of me. At no point
10:48
Speaker 3: have I ever resented making those choices. But as I
10:52
Speaker 3: have matured and come to understand myself a lot more,
10:57
Speaker 3: just recently in the last few years, I have recognized
11:01
Speaker 3: that I'm actually a better mum when I am able
11:05
Speaker 3: to take care of myself first. But I didn't understand
11:11
Speaker 3: or recognize that as a young mum at a time
11:14
Speaker 3: where I probably needed it the most. I was so
11:17
Speaker 3: lacking in knowledge.
11:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, to some degree, the more you sacrifice your needs
11:22
Speaker 2: for your.
11:22
Speaker 3: Child, the less of me there is to go around.
11:26
Speaker 2: Which isn't always true, because sometimes we need to sacrifice
11:30
Speaker 2: our own needs for our children as well. And as
11:32
Speaker 2: a parent, one of the great learning processes we go
11:35
Speaker 2: through is that the capacity to discern when we should
11:40
Speaker 2: be and when we shouldn't be, and we make a
11:42
Speaker 2: lot of mistakes with it. But it's a myth. I
11:44
Speaker 2: agree with you. It's a myth that being a good
11:46
Speaker 2: parent means that you sacrifice your needs for your child
11:50
Speaker 2: all the time. There has to be a balance. It's
11:51
Speaker 2: not an all or nothing proposition in either direction. You
11:54
Speaker 2: can't constantly sacrifice your child's needs because you have needs
11:58
Speaker 2: we know, well, that's called neglect parenting, and we know
12:00
Speaker 2: how kids raised in those environments tend to turn out.
12:03
Speaker 2: Then it's not usually to their benefit at all. But
12:06
Speaker 2: we also know what happens when a parent, particularly a mum,
12:10
Speaker 2: sacrifices everything for the child. She becomes exhausted and burnout
12:16
Speaker 2: and stressed and can't actually give. It's like that whole
12:20
Speaker 2: thing you can't fill from an empty bucket, an empty tank,
12:24
Speaker 2: whatever it is. I can't remember the metaphor.
12:27
Speaker 3: I had a jug in my head.
12:29
Speaker 2: I've got a cup jug whatever it is, it's a cup. Yeah, okay,
12:35
Speaker 2: So that's the first one. And I don't know that.
12:37
Speaker 2: There's a whole lot more that we need to emphasize
12:39
Speaker 2: there other than that, if you're a parent, there's got
12:41
Speaker 2: to be some way for you to be able to
12:42
Speaker 2: look after yourself. And when I say look after yourself,
12:44
Speaker 2: that doesn't mean vegging out in front of Netflix until
12:47
Speaker 2: all hours of the night because you need some peace
12:49
Speaker 2: and quiet and you just want to go brain dead,
12:51
Speaker 2: get some sleep instead. That's better looking after yourself than
12:54
Speaker 2: staring at Netflix.
12:55
Speaker 3: For me, that the best thing that I have done
12:58
Speaker 3: to take care of myself is actually giving myself a
13:02
Speaker 3: small amount of time where I can actually have space,
13:08
Speaker 3: like literally just space.
13:09
Speaker 2: Go for a walk, yep, so that I outside.
13:13
Speaker 3: Outside, I'm in nature, and I just have the capacity
13:17
Speaker 3: to have my own thoughts.
13:19
Speaker 2: What was the second myth that you wanted to discuss today.
13:22
Speaker 3: That being a good parent means putting your kids before
13:24
Speaker 3: your spouse.
13:26
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, you're right, Okay, bad idea.
13:30
Speaker 3: This is a really tricky one, especially when you've got
13:32
Speaker 3: young kids, because the reality is there are significant needs
13:36
Speaker 3: if you're you know, if you're breastfeeding a baby, or
13:40
Speaker 3: if you've got a really clinging toddler, or you know,
13:44
Speaker 3: as the children get a little bit older, they're not
13:46
Speaker 3: old enough to kind of have a sleepover with Grandma yette,
13:49
Speaker 3: but you know, you still want to be able to
13:51
Speaker 3: spend time. And then on top of all of that,
13:53
Speaker 3: as a parent, you're exhausted, and so making time for
13:57
Speaker 3: each other can be really really challenging. And I remember
14:01
Speaker 3: in our early years of marriage, we were just so
14:05
Speaker 3: besotted with each other and while we didn't have the
14:09
Speaker 3: capacity to kind of go on dates and stuff, we
14:12
Speaker 3: actually didn't see a real need for it because we
14:16
Speaker 3: just lapped up anytime we got together. Even though it
14:20
Speaker 3: was very limited.
14:21
Speaker 2: I'm going to put this out there and say it
14:23
Speaker 2: really bluntly, and I know that this may mean that
14:26
Speaker 2: I'm treating on some people's toes, so I want to
14:28
Speaker 2: say it as sensitively as I can while still being
14:31
Speaker 2: kind of really direct and blunt. And that is that
14:33
Speaker 2: without a strong marriage and loving home, the likelihood of
14:37
Speaker 2: everybody in the family failing to thrive or struggling goes up. So,
14:43
Speaker 2: from my perspective and from a research base, looking at
14:47
Speaker 2: the data, you're putting your children, I think at risk.
14:54
Speaker 2: You're putting a marriage at risk. You're putting everything at
14:56
Speaker 2: risk if your spouse is not or your partner is
14:59
Speaker 2: not your number one. In fact, just the other day
15:02
Speaker 2: I was sitting in the living room tapping away on
15:04
Speaker 2: the computer doing some work, and Emily came in and said, Dad,
15:08
Speaker 2: do you love Mum more than me? And I looked
15:13
Speaker 2: at her and I said, Emily, I love you so
15:15
Speaker 2: very much, but Mummy always comes first. Mummy matters more
15:19
Speaker 2: than any of you kids, because Mummy's my wife, and
15:23
Speaker 2: I love you and I'll do anything for you, but
15:25
Speaker 2: Mum gets my hugs first. And she kind of looked
15:29
Speaker 2: at me and said okay, Like she was totally fine
15:32
Speaker 2: with it. She wasn't upset by it, she wasn't offended
15:34
Speaker 2: by it. In some ways, I think she was reassured.
15:36
Speaker 2: The foundation on which our family rests is you and I.
15:40
Speaker 2: It's not your relationship with the kids, on my relationship
15:43
Speaker 2: with the kids.
15:44
Speaker 3: I wonder if she had that conversation with you, because
15:47
Speaker 3: the other night when I went to pick you up
15:48
Speaker 3: from the airport after you've been away, the kids volunteered.
15:52
Speaker 3: There's two drivers in the house and they both volunteered,
15:55
Speaker 3: and they said, I'll go get dad and I said no,
15:57
Speaker 3: I said I'll go get him, and they kind of
15:59
Speaker 3: look me and they weren't, yeah, because you're his favorite.
16:02
Speaker 3: And I wonder if she's kind of just been mulling over.
16:05
Speaker 2: That mee and wanted to know. Yeah. There there's a
16:09
Speaker 2: really strong cultural bias, I think, towards favoring and prioritizing
16:13
Speaker 2: the needs of children over parents. But whether it's going
16:16
Speaker 2: on a date night or just giving the kids the
16:19
Speaker 2: remote control on of the TV and saying you can
16:20
Speaker 2: watch a movie for the next hour and a half,
16:22
Speaker 2: we're having some time together in the bedroom. We don't
16:24
Speaker 2: have to tell them why we're having some time together
16:26
Speaker 2: in the bedroom. We just have some time together in
16:28
Speaker 2: the bedroom. Give them the remote, and I'm just saying
16:30
Speaker 2: that's what you and I do. I'm just suggesting that
16:32
Speaker 2: people could do that. I don't want to go sharing
16:34
Speaker 2: the family secrets or anything, but doing things that demonstrate
16:38
Speaker 2: that you can prioritize your relationship over and above the
16:42
Speaker 2: remainder of the family relationships, I think is critically important.
16:46
Speaker 2: I haven't seen any evidence anywhere that would make me
16:49
Speaker 2: question whether that matters or not. So there's two myths
16:53
Speaker 2: that I think that we can fairly soundly debunk dispute
16:57
Speaker 2: throughout the window. The first one that you should sacrifice
17:01
Speaker 2: your own needs for your children. You've got to make
17:03
Speaker 2: sure that there's a healthy balance there. Kids do have
17:05
Speaker 2: needs and they do need to be met, but you've
17:07
Speaker 2: got to make sure that you're well.
17:08
Speaker 3: The reality is, though I think the I think I
17:12
Speaker 3: need to debunk that myth. There is never a balance. Yeah, okay,
17:16
Speaker 3: you're never going to get the balance right. And the
17:19
Speaker 3: reality is your kids are going to take the lion share.
17:23
Speaker 3: That that's family life, true, yep. But as a parent,
17:27
Speaker 3: finding some time to just feed your soul, whatever that
17:32
Speaker 3: looks like, is really important and for different people to
17:35
Speaker 3: it'll be different things.
17:36
Speaker 2: Okay. And the second myth is that the kids need
17:38
Speaker 2: to come first. I would argue otherwise, it's about your
17:43
Speaker 2: spouse or partner first.
17:45
Speaker 3: And again it'll be different for everyone. How you find
17:48
Speaker 3: time for each other.
17:49
Speaker 2: You are my favorite, missus Happy Families, Well your minds okay.
17:52
Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
17:55
Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Hey, what
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Speaker 2: myths are we going to bust tomorrow?
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Speaker 3: Well, we're going to look at why we shouldn't be
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Speaker 3: friends with our kids. And you can tell a good
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Speaker 3: parent by how good their kids are.
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Speaker 2: Great stuff can't wait tomorrow on the Happy Families podcast.
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Speaker 2: Please join us there if you'd like more information about
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Speaker 2: the stuff we're talking about, visitors at happyfamilies dot com.
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Speaker 2: Do you