Latest / Kaleidoscope - Perspectives Beyond The Surface / Kaleidoscope PBTS: E2a | Faith, Family, Freedom

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Kaleidoscope PBTS: E2a | Faith, Family, Freedom · Kaleidoscope - Perspectives Beyond The Surface

0:01
Hi. You know how some conversations don't just
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pass time, but they leave fingerprints? This
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one is like that. In this episode of Kaleidoscope,
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I'm joined by Maya Androldia. Two women who are
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sharp, grounded, and completely unafraid to speak
0:23
from the heart. Let's start off as a casual catch
0:27
up turns into a conversation about what it means
0:31
to believe in something, what it means to belong
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somewhere, and what it means to be yourself,
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even when the world keeps handing you scripts
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that just don't fit. We talk about faith, but
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not the spiritual kind. We talk about family,
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not the ones you're born to, but the ones that
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choose you back. And we talk about freedom, not
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the big abstract idea. but the freedom that lives
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within you, between the breaths you take from
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one moment to the next. It's unpolished, but
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it's alive and it's divided in two. This is part
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A and part B will come soon. So come sit with
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us. You don't need to know anything. Just bring
1:28
yourself. Welcome to Kaleidoscope. Welcome to
1:41
Kaleidoscope, perspectives beyond the surface.
1:45
I'm Ruby Rain Leo. Today, I have two of my brand
1:50
new online friends, Raldia and Maya. Oh, should
1:54
I say Raldia? Raldia. Raldia. And the beautiful
2:01
Maya and the beautiful Raldia. Today we are going
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to talk about how we perceive and experience
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life and ask each other questions about that
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and just see where that goes. So thanks for joining
2:19
us. Thanks for having us, Ruby. This is so nice.
2:24
Thank you. Do you guys want to introduce yourself?
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Yeah. My name is Raldia. I live in Bucharest,
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Romania. I work for an IT company. I have a boring
2:40
office job. Although my office is my balcony
2:43
and I get to spend time with my babies. The best
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office. Yeah. Some of the things I enjoy doing
2:53
is being out in nature, reading. listening to
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music, talk about life with my friends, and just
3:03
experience myself in different stages of my life
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and enjoying myself. Amazing. Thanks, Travia.
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Thank you, Valdia. Okay, so I'm Maya. I'm American,
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but I'm a Latina first. I will always claim that
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first. I'm in Texas, so that's where I am in
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the global. fan of things, right? I guess I'll
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do a similar intro to you, Valdira. I'm a project
3:33
manager, so very detail -oriented, kind of always
3:36
on task. Hard to get away from that, by the way.
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Very, very hard. And we'll talk a little more
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about that as I'm talking about my prompt. But
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when it comes to me, who am I? I'm somebody who
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is naturally an introvert. I like to spend my
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me time In solitude. If I was in your room, I
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would just live with those plants. Like I would
4:01
never leave that room. Like that's where I would
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be. Yeah. They're beautiful. I love nature. I
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love photography. I love poetry. I love reading.
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I love the smell of books. So I like to go to
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bookstores and just walk around aisle by aisle.
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I know what you mean. I used to work in a bookstore.
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That was my first job. Yep. Yep. But that smell
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just does something to my brain. You know, books.
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Yeah. Yeah. So it smells so good. It's the same
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thing with coffee. I love coffee. And I think
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for being a Latina, I have a very different perspective
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than a lot of people, just because I have done
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a lot of inner work in comparison to other people
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that are my age and with my background. But hi,
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thank you for having me. Thank you for being
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here. I've never done that for the podcast, so
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I will do it too. I am Ruby Ray Liu. I am a teacher
5:00
in Suzhou, China, and I am originally from South
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Africa. I've been living in China for 10 years
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in October. That will be 10 years. And if you
5:13
want to know more, listen to more podcasts. I
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have set up this random wheel spinner thing.
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I've just taken our missing compatriot out and
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I'm gonna spin this and we'll see who gets to
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go first with their prompt. Okay, sounds good.
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It is Maya. How did I know that? The last one
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to send it in, right? And the first one to go.
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Okay, so my prompt was very spontaneous. Let
5:55
me tell you. I didn't want to give it too much
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thought because I wanted it to be fresh on my
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mind today. So all of my life, I felt that I
6:04
had to fit in a box, whether that was as a kid,
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as an adult, right? Whether it was because I
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was a Latina or a woman or whatever box people
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put me in. As I grew up, I kind of started feeling
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this resentment towards it, almost like hatred
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towards that box, right? And where I was placed.
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And so I began in my journey, probably after
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I turned 27, I think, I began to slowly like
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rip away at it. And it was little by little ripping,
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ripping, ripping until I was finally free from
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it. So now in my thirties, I actually feel more
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like myself. I feel free to be whoever. and whatever
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I want to be. And it's amazing. Yeah. Beautiful
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to hear. Really, really beautiful. Thank you.
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That speaks really deeply to me and my process
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and experience of life right now. But we'll wait
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for that. Valdia, do you want to ask first or
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should I go? Well, you can go, I can, I can.
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You mentioned that at like 24 or, sorry, 27,
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you started opening this box. How has your identity
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changed in that process and how do you feel now
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that you're outside of it? It reminds me of that
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movie, like, was it 30, 30 and... Yeah, yeah,
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30 or 30, yeah, yeah. So for me, it just turned
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into, I got to a point that I didn't really recognize
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myself and be it that we all grow, right? We
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all grow and there's different versions of ourselves
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in different point of our lives. But as I approached
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30, it was like, is this really who I am at my
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core? are the things around me, the people around
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me, really making me happy, right? That Marie
8:13
Kondo documentary came out around that time too.
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And it was like, does this spark joy? Does this
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bring you happiness? So it kind of put a lot
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of things in perspective because as a young child,
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young adult, I read a lot and I wrote a lot and
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I spent a lot of time reflecting. And I found
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that in my 20s I was so busy just being whoever
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people wanted me to be that I was no longer holding
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those values like as something that really mattered.
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I was no longer really reading. I was no longer
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because the books that I was reading were books
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that my then partner wanted me to read. Like
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we should read this book together. And I was
9:02
having an identity crisis. It was like But these
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are not the things I want to read. These are
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not the things I want to do. I was also part
9:10
of organized religion, like huge. I was part
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of all the little meetings and this and that
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at a local church. And it was like, are these
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people making me happy? Are they allowing me
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to grow? And I found that it wasn't. If anything,
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they were trying to fit me into this salt box
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of what my faith should be, of who I should be.
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It's like, oh. you're a woman follow your husband
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oh you're this do this oh you cannot lead you
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cannot do this you have to do this um and as
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i started as you called it opening the box i
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call it ripping it because it was literally that
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for me it was getting away from people it was
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leaving that organized religion it was seeking
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my own truths that i just ripped and ripped and
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ripped until we're at the point where I am now
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and it's like I decide where what I want to do
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I decide what I want to read I decide who I want
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to be today and if tomorrow I want to be a different
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person then damn it I'll be a different person
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like it doesn't matter because I get to make
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that choice no one else is making that choice
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for me as a child especially a Latina it's a
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saying it's called Right? And you know what that
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means? If you're quiet, you look prettier. If
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you're a quiet little girl, you look prettier.
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So it's that submissive mindset of just being,
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just sit there and look pretty. You're just a
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doll. They used to call me a mñeka when I was
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little. I was just a doll. I would just sit next
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to my mom in my frilly little dress and not say
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a word. And inside, in my mind, I had so many
11:01
thoughts about everything. Wow. So. Are you still
11:12
are you still religious today? Like not completely?
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No, I am. I'm what you would consider agnostic.
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OK, I believe, you know, in a higher power, but
11:26
not in the one that is manmade. Fair enough.
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Yeah, so I've also become... I'm now an atheist.
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You could call me agnostic because I hope there
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is a power, but I can't say that I believe in
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one. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I have so many things
11:52
to say, but will that really ask me? What I want
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to ask you, Maya... is what were some of the
12:02
tools that you found effective to move away,
12:06
step away from that and allow yourself to be
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the person that you are today? I think getting
12:16
back into reading and writing because that's
12:20
how I explored myself when I was young, right?
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And that's how I processed all of my emotions.
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So getting back into that. I think helped a lot.
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I don't think it was the only thing because I
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also started listening to podcasts. I started
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talking to people from different areas, different
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walks of life. Like I've never been opposed to
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talk to people from different religions or anything
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like that. Tell me, teach me. I want to learn.
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So I became, I guess a student again of everything.
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I wanted to relearn everything. They found this
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hunger for the new life. Yep, and that I'm still
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there. I'm just obviously right I came on this
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app and wanted to make international friends
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and was like I need to know more I need to know
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what's out there I need to explore and like it's
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been this very free moment of There is more to
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the life that I have right now. I am still young
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enough to choose and make those choices and so
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on and so on and so on like Yeah. That's where
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I'm at now. I'm so glad to meet the person that
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you are today. I'm sure like you were an amazing
13:36
person before, but well, but I'm just like very
13:40
excited for you to be honest. Very excited for
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you to discover yourself, right? Yeah. And I
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relate to that. I do relate to that. that's one
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of the things that I tell everybody because they're
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like oh you're in your 30s and this and that
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and I'm like you don't understand my 30s have
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been my best years like the best years for me
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because I'm you me I'm not some little mold that
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people want to use for this or that like it's
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just me and yeah it's it's freeing I feel free
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do you know that song by Nelly Portal Like a
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bird. Like a bird. I don't really know what I'm
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hating. Yep, yep, that song. It's literally like,
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if you could put a theme song to write down,
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I feel like a bird. Like, I can go anywhere.
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I can be anything. There's nothing really tying
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me. I love my family, adore my family, right?
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And we'll always have that tied to them. But
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at the end of the day, they don't make me who
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I am. And I don't make them who they are. Wow
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And That's like I am having family issues right
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now, right and I adore my family I grew up in
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a super loving family and I wish that they would
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understand what you just said like You in you
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invite family into your life It's not the other
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way around. You're not obligated to have it in
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there. Yep. And normally that would be expected,
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but sometimes sometimes having them around hurts
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more because they are just not I they don't appreciate
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who you are. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. Yeah. And
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I'm there with you. There have been moments in
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my life in this journey. that I had to cut finally
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off. Like I didn't speak to my mother or my sister
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at different points in life for three, six months.
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It varied. But it had to happen because I needed
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them to understand that I will always be myself.
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And it's either love me for truly who I am and
16:09
whatever version it is that I am. Or I will remove
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you from my life not because I don't love you.
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It's because I love you so much. that if you
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feel that you have to put me in this box, then
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I can't be there. I will still be wishing you
16:26
the best and will still be loving you from afar.
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The love will never end. It's just simply, if
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that's what you need, I will give it to you.
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Yeah. Also, another bird allegory. If you love
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it, set it free. Yeah, yeah. I should probably
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go get a tattoo of a bird at this point. You
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called it tearing away at a box for me. Mine
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was a cave. And I was stuck in that cave until
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one day. One day there was a cave in. And light
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lanced through and pierced me in my eyeballs
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and I was so terrified that I crawled deeper
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into the cave. And it took... Decades before
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I realized that I'm going the wrong way Yep,
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and I completely understand that that point of
17:28
view too That was me at 25 because you don't
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you don't always know that you're in this box
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or in this cave or How do you know how do you
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know that you're stuck if you've always been
17:42
stuck? Yeah This reminds me of Plato's allegory.
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Is it Plato? I think it is. Oh gosh, I'm terrible
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with philosophers. So there's this allegory like
17:56
people that are in the cave can see the shadows
17:58
on the on the walls, right? Cast from from the
18:03
fire and things moving and they have no idea
18:06
what's going on inside that there's a lot outside.
18:09
So whoever goes outside then comes back. to share
18:12
this experience, they're going to think it's
18:14
crazy. You know, so until you don't make that
18:20
step to go outside and experience and get out
18:23
of your comfort zone and be part of this universe,
18:28
of this experience where we are all going through,
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you're just going to look at shadows on the wall.
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I think that is life and that is how life should
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be. lift, you know, because you have people around
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you telling you the same thing, seeing the same
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thing. Right. And I think that is also why we
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need community and we need to once we've made
18:56
a decision that, OK, I need to I need to move
19:00
on with my life and be whoever I need to be,
19:02
whoever I feel that I am to find people that
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are either. in this process as well with us and
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also people that have went through this process.
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In order to support you and support your growth.
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Yeah, or even just people that they don't...
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Somebody doesn't have to know what you're going
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through to be able to say, I can see you're going
19:28
through something and I'll be the safe space.
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You can come here and feel safe. Yep. Yeah, and
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I don't know. I'll go ahead. It's rare to find
19:42
people like that. At least it has been rare for
19:45
me. Like finding people with high emotional intelligence,
19:50
right? Yeah, and I wish I could meet more people
19:55
like this. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna fix my mic
19:58
because I'm being attacked. If anything, it went
20:06
on with the, you know, light piercing your eyeball.
20:09
Yeah, right? It went with that. Yeah, but you
20:14
made me think of yet another bird allegory. It's
20:18
the, well, analogy, technically, it's the birds
20:21
of a feather flock together or in Spanish, you
20:25
know, tell me who your friends are. And I've
20:30
been hearing that like all my life. My mom is
20:32
the one that taught me that. But it's so true.
20:37
If you want to change your perspective and change
20:40
who you are and open that box or get out of that
20:43
cave or rip the box or whatever it may be, you
20:47
have to change the people that you surround yourself
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with. Somehow, some way. And I've always considered
20:54
that it's better to have like one, two, three
20:57
friends that truly know you, accept you. And
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even if they're not in the same walk of life,
21:03
As you. They can at least open their arms and
21:07
say, talk to me. I am here. So can you change
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your feathers? Yes. Yes, you can. Did you know
21:19
that a crow changes their feathers? The colors
21:22
of their feathers look the darkest, but if you
21:25
shine light on them, you'll see turquoise and
21:28
different jewel tones. Yeah, we can all be changed.
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Why I I Don't know if I agree or disagree with
21:41
the on this one like changing I I have Let's
21:48
say an issue with with opposites in general and
21:51
I like to place myself in the middle usually
21:54
The thing about about change I'm questioning
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whether It's actually a change, or it's just
22:06
another part of us we discovered. Because we
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can't just look back and say, that wasn't me.
22:13
Because it's part of your experience. And for
22:16
me, it's hard to call it like I'm a different
22:19
person now. And I agree with you on that. I agree
22:26
with you too. What I think changes is the perception
22:30
that people have about us. So in reality, you
22:34
become a different person. But in ours, the crow
22:41
is still the same crow that we've shone a light
22:44
on it. We just unlocked another level. Yeah.
22:49
Or think of like a baby bird, right? They have
22:53
the fluffy little feathers. They're fluffy. Those
22:57
have to fall off for the other feathers to come
23:00
out. They never change per se. It's just part
23:05
of life. It has to happen. However, you will
23:08
have birds that never release all of those baby
23:11
feathers. And I think that's where some people
23:14
stay at. Some people hold on and maybe don't
23:19
want to adapt or don't want to allow that change
23:22
to occur. So they hold on so tightly. They're
23:26
just sitting in the comfort zone. And I think
23:32
for me, luckily, now I have thrived in the uncomfortable
23:37
zones that I no longer fear it, no longer dismiss
23:41
it. It's just simply, okay, that's difference.
23:46
Let's see what that brings. I have a bird -soaring
23:52
story and out of the comfort zone at the same
23:58
time. thing to share that happened to me today.
24:06
I never, I try not to talk about this, especially
24:10
in the group, not too much, because I am worried
24:12
and I know that it's true that a lot of trans
24:16
girls can be, they can come across as cringe
24:20
about it because they want to speak about it
24:21
so often, but it's because it's so exciting.
24:25
It's like the biggest thing. that you can experience.
24:30
And today, I never thought that I would be able
24:35
to get the treatment that I want and need in
24:39
China. And it's been unbelievably easy. Actually,
24:45
it's been so easy just to once I got over my
24:49
initial anxiety to go and see the doctors and
24:53
get the prescriptions that I need. And I'm in
24:55
this huge Like weird sound with my school, but
25:00
it doesn't matter because they can't do anything
25:03
anyway today I went to the hospital to refill
25:07
my prescription and do blood tests So It's not
25:15
every doctor there's only one transpositive job
25:18
doctor in Suzhou and That's where I got my prescription
25:24
and they are far away So I went to see another
25:28
doctor today. I asked for the the test. She said
25:31
that's all good and She asked me what else do
25:34
I what else she needs to do for me? And I said,
25:37
can you give me medicine and she said sure what
25:41
medicine? So I took out my prescription from
25:44
the other doctor that basically says oh He's
25:48
a trans person and She said great I will I'll
25:54
give you this meds And she tried to do the prescription,
25:57
but the hospital blocked it because my marker
26:00
is male. And she said, oh, I can't give you them.
26:05
You know what? Let me just change your marker
26:07
to female. And then she did it at the hospital
26:10
and she still couldn't give me the prescription.
26:12
She wrote me a letter and send me to admin. And
26:15
she was like, you tell them to change this. And
26:18
they did. Yeah, that was like nothing. Like to
26:24
not go through so many channels and have to,
26:28
you know, have all the uncomfortable conversations
26:32
and stuff like that. That's amazing. I'm happy
26:34
for you. Thank you. Yeah. And we're so happy.
26:39
I'm still getting about it. I'm happy for you.
26:43
I love how that breaking those barriers, right?
26:48
Little by little. Exactly, and just there's so
26:51
much anxiety coming from from the states right
26:53
now with Donald Trump's insane vendetta and It's
26:59
so nice to see that, you know, it's not everywhere
27:01
that's like that and you kind of get inundated
27:04
with it I think it's it's it's sad. You know
27:07
what's happening at a global scale because it's
27:10
just like it's all a political game at the end
27:13
for them and for For the people, it's their lives.
27:18
It's the quality of their lives. And yeah, it's
27:23
pretty sad what's happening. Yeah. I mean, just
27:27
to tell you a little bit about Texas, right?
27:29
So Texas is known as one of the most conservative
27:32
states. Texas acts like its own country. And
27:37
it will, for example, if the Republicans within
27:40
the country want to test out a theory, want to
27:42
test out something and see how people will take
27:44
it. They tested in Texas. And that's where I
27:50
live. So for example, the anti -abortion laws
27:53
and everything are crazy here. I have a blood
27:57
disorder, so I could bleed out if I were to become
28:01
pregnant. And I were to miscarry for whatever
28:05
reason, because obviously I have that blood disorder.
28:09
Any pregnancy that I have would be a high -risk
28:11
pregnancy. That's just what it is. so it literally
28:17
they would just watch me die and they would not
28:21
do anything they have there's been I think eight
28:26
here in Texas alone now we're talking about women
28:30
that were already mothers women that were 18
28:33
years old like barely starting life like we're
28:36
talking it's it's just ah beyond me like I would
28:40
consider leaving Texas To move to Colorado and
28:45
I may I may still make that happen And I've already
28:49
told my family and they were a little bothered
28:52
by it and I said Here's always airplanes. You
28:55
can fly to see me. You could drive to see me.
28:57
I Can drive to see you you can you know, I can
29:00
fly Because like I said nothing really ties me
29:05
down I have to put myself first absolutely when
29:10
it comes to that That is one of the topics that
29:15
really pisses me off. It really makes me angry
29:20
when people get to decide what happens to your
29:25
body. I have a very, very big issue with that.
29:34
Like telling women you cannot get help. with
29:41
this and they just like watch you die rather
29:44
than it's not even just you can't get help it's
29:49
you have to go through with this process that
29:51
maybe you didn't opt into and you don't have
29:54
control over your own body you just we don't
29:58
care about you that's what it is they don't care
30:01
and i mean these are these are men coming up
30:05
with these laws and it's crazy to me it's like
30:08
do you not care about your children your daughters,
30:11
your sisters, your mothers. I mean, they could
30:16
all be in this position. They could all find
30:19
themselves one day, right there, along with the
30:22
others. Do you not care? Or let me guess, because
30:26
you're a politician and you have the funds, you're
30:29
going to fly them to Delaware to do it, huh?
30:31
You're going to just... But then it doesn't apply
30:33
to you. Mm -hmm. Yeah. And it's a matter of time.
30:38
I'm sure it's already happened. It must have
30:40
already happened to some lord. Of course. Of
30:43
course. I mean, Trump himself, uh, he... What
30:48
does it say? He paid like $200 ,000 for one of
30:50
his mistresses to have an abortion, like... Do
30:54
you think he cares about... No way. It doesn't...
30:56
A fetus? No. The only issue he cares about is...
31:01
Is the... The new technogarchy. That's what it
31:05
is. And the fact that they only use this because
31:09
obviously the Democrats, right, are taking the
31:12
other way, right? He needs to oppose this. I
31:15
think, I think it's just like this whole political,
31:19
political, sorry, English is not my first language,
31:22
am I? You're fine, you're fine. I mean, I'm able
31:26
to pronounce some words, but yeah. There's this
31:28
political game that, it's just a circus and it's
31:33
a circus happened before. And that's another
31:37
reason I get angry usually. It's just like people
31:41
not reading. I mean, you cannot say in 2025 that
31:45
they're lying to you through the CV, right, with
31:47
the news. I mean, you have access to books now,
31:50
you have access to information. Like if it's
31:53
not your anniversary, these things have happened
31:56
before. And some of them in the exact same order.
32:03
Yeah, no, it's it's one of the reasons why I've
32:06
chose not to watch the news lately Now like I'm
32:09
completely ignorant, but but still I just I can't
32:13
I can't I just cannot watch it go down Yeah Just
32:17
a super me. Oh Go ahead. No, no, you go first.
32:21
I was gonna say that's why I've stayed away Sorry
32:24
stayed away from tick -tock mainly recently because
32:28
my Algorithm it's filled with political propaganda
32:35
on one side or the other, which is crazy to me
32:38
because I was never on the red side. So why is
32:41
that showing up now? The algorithm is so messed
32:44
up and it just spends all day just torturing
32:48
me if I go there for too long. So I just stay
32:52
away, go in there maybe a couple minutes at a
32:54
time. And that's about it. I learned what's going
32:57
on from my best friend because he likes to give
33:00
himself anxiety um yeah so my my best friend
33:07
you know is is gay and he's over here considering
33:10
moving to germany because it's brothers in germany
33:12
because of everything that's going on but he
33:16
likes to torture me and himself by sending me
33:20
anything that he feels that i should know and
33:22
i was like i didn't want to see it on my own
33:25
why are you sending it to me you need to see
33:29
the world going down like He doesn't want to
33:33
grab that pop card. His answer is like, if I
33:37
have to see it, you have to see it with me. Exactly.
33:42
My TikTok algorithm is wonderful. And I'm sorry,
33:46
I just, it's okay. It's okay. She's making too
33:51
much noise. My TikTok algorithm is wonderful.
33:55
I get the most affirming stuff on there all the
33:57
time. My IG is full of cats, full of cats, and
34:04
that has helped me through the pandemic. Like
34:06
you have no idea. My IG is a little crazy. I
34:12
think it's the American social media algorithms
34:16
that are really messed up. Because one second
34:19
I'll be watching a dancing video. It's like an
34:21
old couple dancing salsa. And I'm like, oh, that's
34:24
so cute. Look at that old couple. that's adorable
34:28
next thing you know it's like some fascist video
34:33
about some guy talking just a bunch of crap just
34:38
a bunch of crap and i was like why i have never
34:41
seen these videos before like why are you doing
34:44
this to me yeah it looks like you're in fashion
34:47
week keep going keep going so you're on mute
34:55
Oh yeah, she's muted. I'm sorry, I forgot I muted
35:01
myself because it makes some noise and I didn't
35:03
want to interrupt Maya. But yeah, it's just like,
35:06
it's a struggle. It's a struggle, people. But
35:10
we got this. If anything, it just looks like
35:14
you're in a pool. It's like a reflection. Yeah,
35:17
you're really cool. I'll be in charge of the
35:20
visual effects. So, do we have any more questions
35:27
for Maya? Are you looking to reestablish your
35:40
relationship with the Divine? Coming from...
35:48
I forgot what was the name you gave it, sorry.
35:52
Well religious Oh agnostic. Yeah Yeah, I'm always
35:58
interested in learning more So definitely reading
36:02
more into it Like I said, I believe that there
36:04
is a higher power whether that's the universe
36:06
or some deity of sorts I don't know But things
36:14
have happened in my life and I have spoken and
36:19
Asked for things and received them So that's
36:22
why I feel like there is something there. There
36:25
is something that I'm connected to on a certain
36:28
level that has made things happen for me. I'm
36:33
asking because, you know, normally when something
36:38
bad happens to us, I mean, I'm assuming it's
36:43
happening to everybody. You get that, like, that
36:48
question, like, why is this happening to me?
36:51
Right? And usually you like you would go like
36:55
if you believe, right? You would go to to the
37:01
divine being, right? And ask like, why is this
37:05
happening to me? Right? Like, am I being like
37:08
punished for something? Am I doing something
37:10
wrong? Right? Yeah. Sometimes it might it might
37:14
just look like chaos and pull you away from from
37:18
that relationship that you that you have. So,
37:21
yeah, that's why I was curious, like how you
37:25
move away from, how did you move away from that
37:29
breakup? Yeah, so with me, okay, so I had a really
37:35
traumatic breakup, my last breakup, it was awful,
37:40
awful. And when I sought out counseling from
37:46
my pastor, right, after that breakup, The answer
37:51
that I got was forgive him and go through counseling
37:54
with him. And it was all centered around him.
38:00
It was not a single ounce of empathy or sympathy
38:03
for me or what he had put me through. And that's
38:08
when I realized that a man -made religion was
38:13
not for me. Because they were not looking out
38:18
for me. they were looking out for the male him
38:23
because he's supposed to be the leader because
38:26
in the christian bible it says you have god right
38:32
then you have the husband then the wife the children
38:36
and if you take away the husband then what good
38:40
are you you can't have a direct connection to
38:44
god like you can't have that direct connection
38:47
yourself And that's what they believe, like truly.
38:53
But I was told this, that why could I not make
38:57
things work with a monster? And if I ever, in
39:02
the future maybe I'll share details, but a monster
39:05
of a human being. I was no longer willing to
39:11
endanger my life, my being, my soul, just because
39:17
they chose that. Hey, the man matters more. Yeah,
39:21
that's not maybe you definitely made the right
39:23
choice on down Yeah, and and I had trouble at
39:27
first at first. I thought I was gonna lean very
39:30
atheist right because I was like this can't be
39:34
it like the wise right the wise that Why did
39:40
this happen? Why is this happening? Why was this
39:42
allowed? Yeah, why does this happen to other
39:45
people not even just myself like? Why do other
39:48
people have to go through this? Because I've
39:50
led a decent life where I have always, I mean,
39:53
you've heard snippets of it on the lines where
39:56
I tell people, if you need to hear something,
39:58
if you want encouragement, reach out to me. That
40:01
has been me my whole life. If you need something,
40:05
I will be that person for you. I will be there
40:08
for you. If nobody else will be there for you,
40:10
I will be there for you. Like, I'll give you
40:13
five minutes of my time. I'll give you 10 minutes
40:14
of my time. Whatever you need. Like, that's the
40:16
type of person that I've been since I was five
40:20
years old. Yeah. I was beating up bullies for
40:23
my family members. Yes, I'm a little violent
40:26
sometimes. I appreciate that. It's okay. Yeah.
40:31
Yeah, like, and nobody could mess with people
40:33
that I cared about. If you were a part of mine,
40:36
then I got you. There comes a point where you
40:41
have to be violent. The way of the leaf is not
40:46
always the right way. Yeah. Unless you... But
40:53
obviously the way of the leaf until you hit the
40:56
ground and then it's... Someone's gotta pay.
41:01
Yeah, I am a believer of... I won't start something,
41:08
but be sure that I will end it. Yeah, I can...
41:12
Yeah, I will put an end to it. Um, so yeah, that's
41:15
what I did for For my friends for family members
41:19
anybody who ever went through anything. I was
41:21
there for them But I found myself a lot in the
41:25
situation that when I was going through something
41:27
I Was looking around And nobody was there But
41:36
um, so yeah, so all the wise came from those
41:39
points right where Why if I'm like this? Is this
41:44
happening? But there's other things that have
41:50
occurred like Family members that have been ill
41:55
things like that things that I have asked and
41:58
somehow good things have happened still So I'm
42:03
like, okay, there was this one horrible thing
42:05
that happened But three good things happened
42:10
Like I had surgery last year and It was the scariest
42:15
thing. I didn't know I was gonna wake up. I didn't
42:19
know I was gonna be here and That's why this
42:22
here has been so important to me Because I want
42:26
to flip everything upside down Because this is
42:29
a new chance at life like I'm here. I'm healthier.
42:35
I'm happy. I just Want to have make everybody
42:39
happy and be happy. Yeah Yeah, yeah And I don't
42:47
care anymore like that's really where i'm at.
42:49
I just don't care I don't care to be polite enough.
42:52
I don't care to be Censored. I don't care to
42:55
be anything that anybody else wants. I'm just
42:58
gonna be me. Damn it That's exactly how I feel.
43:02
That's why i'm making this podcast And the funny
43:06
thing is that like I've been asked to be on podcasts
43:09
for years, and I have never said yes, but I said
43:11
yes to you. Fantastic. Thank you. Special moment.
43:16
I love it. Yeah. Yeah. So, let's move first.
43:22
Okay. We should move on to another topic. Yeah.
43:27
For me, I just, I want to ask, Jolie, are you
43:31
religious? Well, I'm spiritual. Okay. I am spiritual.
43:40
I was asking Maya because obviously I was curious
43:45
how other people do it because I'm also like
43:48
dealing with that in my life. So I started as
43:55
religious. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents
44:00
in the countryside and obviously I was... Going
44:04
to church regularly knew all the songs and knew
44:08
the prayers knew everything every night. There
44:10
was prayer But I was fed this idea of This always
44:22
kind always kind Divine, you know and always
44:27
there for the week always there to listen to
44:30
you to your prayers and I also had this, like,
44:35
children's Bible that obviously was, like, not
44:40
the real deal. It was just, like, very curated,
44:43
let's say. Like, all these nice stories, right,
44:46
about people getting involved and, yeah, nobody
44:50
was scared. Nobody was, yeah, it was perfect.
44:52
And I loved it. I loved it. Like, I would ask
44:55
my grandma to read me every night, right, because
44:58
it was this fantasy of, like, Whenever you're
45:01
down, whenever something bad happens to you,
45:04
there is God like saving everything, right? And
45:06
there are good people out there, right? So I
45:09
kind of was like, I felt protected, right? Fast
45:16
forward, I get into school and school for me
45:20
has been brutal, like especially the first years
45:26
of school. That is when I actually, even starting
45:29
with kindergarten, that's when I've actually
45:32
encountered bullying, physical aggression between
45:40
kids, and it did not make sense. So I spent a
45:48
lot of time, I was coming from school, home,
45:52
and I was hiding because anyway at home it was
45:57
the whole that's a whole different story but
45:59
i wasn't supported or allowed to show my emotions
46:03
so i was hiding myself in the closet crying because
46:09
i saw other children first like being bullied
46:13
and being beaten just for being different you
46:16
know just for being themselves i say so i was
46:20
like praying every night like what is why is
46:23
this happening was such a shock for me as a as
46:25
a child and um yeah my mom found me once she
46:32
gave me a beating like why are you crying like
46:35
you have no reason to cry why are you always
46:36
crying like what's happening anyway i love my
46:40
mom i i i adore my mom but she she wasn't prepared
46:46
She wasn't prepared, let's say, for a child that
46:49
was really sensitive. I mean, children don't
46:54
come with a manual. I mean, that's clear. And
46:57
you do the best you can. That was her best. But
47:01
yeah, that thing, as well as the thing that was
47:05
happening in the church. Like old ladies telling
47:09
me, you know, you shouldn't do the cross like
47:11
this. You should do the cross like that No, don't
47:13
kneel now. You need to kneel when the priest
47:15
says whatever and I'm like I Am seven can I live
47:21
Like what is your deal but they had nothing else
47:25
to do right that's really young for me that was
47:28
sort of identity I'm so yeah, this is me you
47:32
You back away Exactly. It was too much for me
47:37
and so I came to the conclusion, so my psyche
47:40
came to the conclusion that there is no God.
47:44
Because if there's no one that can protect these
47:47
children around me, it did not make sense. It
47:52
did not make sense for me. Like, why isn't like
47:54
help coming? Why is it? Yeah, so it took me away
47:57
from that and for the longest time I... I was
48:03
an atheist. I did not believe. I was really curious
48:06
about occult stuff, like esoteric stuff. But
48:12
surprisingly enough, what drew me back to believing
48:16
was not Christianism. It was actually Shamanism
48:24
and Tentaculine. That's what actually brought
48:28
me back. So there are things that probably by
48:31
Christians are seen as like pagan, right? They're
48:34
still like Whatever the Christian religion is
48:38
built on pagan blocks. Yeah And there's that
48:44
but yeah, so that that is what brought me back
48:47
because I came back to this like State of prayer
48:53
and just like meditation and just me Just a small
48:57
space where I can experience the divine and yeah,
49:01
that was amazing and I had a lot of Amazing experiences
49:06
since I've started working on that So yeah, I'm
49:10
spiritual and What you were saying Maya like
49:14
you don't believe in like a man -made I I've
49:17
always said this like I don't believe in the
49:19
God in the books of man from the books Like because
49:24
that no matter what religion you look at. It's
49:26
just like 1 % Come on. Come on now 1 % Like we
49:31
don't know a lot This might sound very bad, but
49:35
that the God in those books He's a kid on an
49:40
antel with a magnifying glass and he's trying
49:42
to burn you Imagine my script right when I read
49:48
the actual Bible for the first Oh my god. Oh
49:54
my god. I totally want to believe in God. I used
49:58
to be like, I used to be very religious as well.
50:03
Dutch Reformed. And our house is next to the,
50:08
it used to be the biggest church in the southern
50:12
hemisphere for a while in South Africa. Like
50:15
literally across the road. It could seat 7 ,000
50:19
people in that one church. And I was part of
50:25
the technical crew. I helped to do the lights
50:28
on Sundays and I would walk home at night on
50:34
a Sunday and be talking to Jesus. He never answered
50:39
me. And then I started getting curious because
50:47
there was this rhetoric inside the church that
50:50
you shouldn't... You know that you should block
50:53
these these other information sources out like
50:56
don't look at this Bible or don't look at that
50:59
or I looked at all of it and Eventually was like
51:04
this. So this is really good. This is better.
51:07
Someone's better objectively better. Yeah, and
51:12
Then I just kind of decided that obviously this
51:15
is not the way. Oh, yeah I was a creationist
51:18
for a while as well Like an evangelical creationist.
51:24
But over time I just moved away from all of that
51:28
and now I think that there is more beauty in
51:34
the random and the intrinsic than there is in
51:41
giving these things to an external power. Both
51:49
of these can be true at the same time. Yeah,
51:53
absolutely. Which is why I can't say that I believe
51:57
in a god, but I want to believe in a higher power.
52:01
I believe in manifestation. I believe that if
52:04
you're a sad person all the time and you don't
52:09
put yourself out there and you were never told
52:11
nothing's gonna happen to you. That's true. That's
52:17
true. I think I find so much beauty in the in
52:20
randomness, you know, and a lot of people will
52:24
say like, oh, no, that's chaos. Like that is
52:26
not something that is part of like, you know,
52:31
the whole process, like creation and all that,
52:35
you know, like everything is already planned,
52:37
something like that. Right. But I think randomness
52:41
is part of it because I do believe that everything,
52:48
everything that we see around us, it had a beginning.
52:53
Something happened in order for it to transform,
52:56
not to change, but transform. I think it's all
53:01
part of it. For me, it gives it beauty. Maybe
53:08
we don't understand it, maybe we perceive it
53:10
as randomness, like chaos. But I mean, for me,
53:14
like I had this huge intrinsic fear of trans
53:19
people for the longest time in South Africa.
53:21
It's really. But now the idea of this like fluidity
53:27
of gender and this femininely masculine and masculinely
53:31
feminine and all of it. It's beautiful. Yeah.
53:36
Yeah. Yeah. I also find it amazing. Like, I'm
53:41
so curious and that is one, I think it's the
53:46
biggest thing that I love about myself, the curiosity.
53:50
Because it has taken me to places I would never
53:54
think that I would go. I don't know if my English
53:59
is English -ing right now, but you get me? Because
54:05
of what Ken says. But yeah, it has taken me to
54:09
a lot of... amazing places and just being able
54:13
to go past that fear of the unknown. And seeing
54:20
so much diversity, it's just so beautiful. It
54:26
does not make life boring. That's what I adore
54:30
about it. You constantly discover something.
54:35
Yeah. Yeah. I think for me, it's um it's funny
54:41
because i think the wanting to know more and
54:44
knowing that there is more to the spiritual actually
54:48
comes from um my bloodline like i always say
54:53
that i come from strong women my grandmother
54:57
devout devout catholic right super like i mean
55:00
i was with this lady when i lived with her at
55:03
church every day like that was the little girl
55:07
that was me with her every single day. I have
55:10
never liked the Catholic religion because I think
55:12
it's very ritualistic and kind of what you were
55:15
saying, like you have to do the cross this way.
55:18
You have to kneel at this point. You have to
55:22
do this at this time in this order because that
55:25
is what the pope says you have to do. And you
55:28
never question it. Yeah. I was also like you,
55:32
I was seven years old asking my grandmother,
55:35
but why? But why? Because the priest says so,
55:41
bro. What do you mean? And then she would look
55:43
at me. I swear she probably wanted to smack me.
55:47
But it was always a why. It wasn't the why of
55:50
if God existed. It was the why of why does it
55:54
have to be this way, though? Yeah. Like, why
55:57
do I have to follow these instructions? Why do
55:59
I have to sing these hymns? Why do I have to
56:01
pray in this way? Can't I just have a conversation
56:03
with him? Like, can I just not speak to him?
56:07
Like, why is there all these barriers in the
56:12
way? And I was a little kid thinking these things,
56:16
which makes sense of who I am, I guess. But those
56:21
are the thoughts. But her mother, my great grandmother,
56:26
was a curandera. So she was an herbalist. An
56:33
herbalist like the like a woman in the town that
56:37
would make remedies and But I heal people and
56:42
that kind of thing. Yeah, we can have a word
56:44
there many I don't know the words for for for
56:46
that I guess it would be healer. Yeah Yeah, yeah
56:52
Not in the sense of like, you know spells or
56:56
anything like that. It was all with nature's
56:59
god where nature's given, see, God given, anyways,
57:03
nature's things like, and my grandmother also
57:06
did that. I never took regular medicine when
57:10
I lived with my grandmother. It was always, here
57:13
is this thing that I made, drink it. So like
57:18
my love for teas, a lot of people say, oh, I
57:19
don't like teas, I can't do bitter teas. I've
57:22
never added honey to my teas. Because I've been
57:25
drinking them bitter since I was, I don't know
57:27
how old. But yeah, so because of my great -grandmother,
57:33
I have dreamt her. I never met her. But I have
57:39
dreamt her. That's cool. That's really cool.
57:43
And I have asked if this is what she looked like.
57:45
And my mom has told me, yes, that's what she
57:47
looked like. Ancestral memory. Yes. And I have
57:52
like the one dream that comes to mind is she
57:55
was wearing all white. And there was a man who
57:58
was sick. in his bed and she was putting something
58:02
like under his bed and then also was making him
58:06
drink something to help him like and I know sounds
58:11
it's not I don't really share this often with
58:14
people but I don't know how I know this but I
58:19
know it I know what she looked like I know what
58:24
she did and I don't know how you know there are
58:28
things that We don't need to know how. Exactly.
58:33
Yeah. There are things that exist out there that
58:36
we don't have yet the explanation for, but they
58:38
are real. They definitely are real. We just like
58:43
sometimes this system was just like imagination,
58:46
right? Or it's just like a dream. It was just
58:50
a dream. It was just a nightmare, you know? Yeah.
58:53
Yeah. And so because of the dreams that I've
58:56
had, I I guess I've been able to connect a little
59:01
bit here and there with some of the people that
59:04
I never met in that lineage. And I stick to the
59:07
lineage of my grandmother because, and that's
59:11
the last name that I carry by the way. I don't
59:13
carry any other, like my last name is my grandmother's
59:16
last name and it will remain my grandmother's
59:19
last name. Like that's, yeah. Because I think
59:24
that's the, that was her last name. That was
59:26
my great grandmother's last name. So, carrying
59:30
that on. Yeah. Let's, let's, let's carry on with
59:35
the next, uh, the next topic. I've already spun
59:38
the wheel. I did record spinning the wheel. It
59:41
is, it is me. I feel kind of bad about the result.
59:48
Now you. So I'll go, but I rolled in, I think.
59:52
Oh no, she's stuck. Oh no, everyone's stuck.
59:57
Oh, there we go. We're back. Okay, so I'll say
1:00:03
my problem. For most of my life, I have been
1:00:06
afraid to voice my opinion. This is the one I
1:00:09
wrote down. For fear of what people might think.
1:00:13
Now I feel it's a toxic mindset instilled by
1:00:19
the system to keep the proletariat in its place.
1:00:28
I relate to that. I relate to that, to not being
1:00:35
able to express your emotions. Not feeling accepted,
1:00:44
truly accepted, unless you agree with the people
1:00:49
around you. You know, it chips away at your identity
1:00:53
bit by bit. My question for you would be, now
1:01:00
that you are expressing your opinions, now that
1:01:03
you are expressing those emotions, does it feel
1:01:07
freeing, uncomfortable, or a mix of both? Because
1:01:14
obviously, there's a process involved, right?
1:01:19
So where are you exactly in that process, and
1:01:24
how does it feel? Obviously, it's better to express
1:01:28
your emotions, but internally. It's hard to say
1:01:32
where I am in that process. It's almost impossible
1:01:35
to say. But I'm somewhere along the road and
1:01:39
I'm still in that trap. I still fear. But I'm
1:01:45
aware of it now. And it's easier to start overcoming
1:01:54
it. What was the other part of the question?
1:02:01
Is it freeing? Does it give me anxiety? It's
1:02:06
definitely more free. I'm proud of myself when
1:02:09
I walk away and I said what I wanted to say or
1:02:13
do what I wanted to do. But there's still a fear.
1:02:18
So yeah, a little bit of both. And I think that
1:02:21
sometimes I still, I still agree with people
1:02:24
for the sake of agreement. I get you, like, experiencing
1:02:33
the same thing. I find it freeing, but also,
1:02:41
like, it really gets this pressure off my chest.
1:02:47
But it also makes me feel... There is a guilt,
1:02:53
obviously, associated with it, because there
1:02:55
was a guilt. that I felt when whenever I was
1:02:58
expressing in my childhood, I was expressing
1:03:00
emotions, you know, so there is a clue when I
1:03:03
see people, the way they react to whatever I'm
1:03:06
saying. So instead of. Focusing on I just need
1:03:12
to get this out, I'm trying to focus on how do
1:03:15
I get it out in a way that. Is also productive
1:03:21
for the conversation, right? Because if I. just
1:03:24
like blur it out and it's just like something
1:03:26
unfiltered. It's just going to ruin all of my
1:03:28
relationship. It's just going to ruin everything
1:03:30
around me. That's not the purpose of it. The
1:03:35
purpose is just to express myself and be able
1:03:38
with the people around me to work on our relationship
1:03:42
or whatever it is. This is what I did, focusing
1:03:46
on how can I put this in a way that It still
1:03:51
allows me to express myself, but also does not,
1:03:55
you know, polarize people. Do you think that
1:03:58
doing that puts you in a trap where you're still
1:04:02
doing it, even though you're trying? It might.
1:04:05
It might. Well, I thought about this like, am
1:04:09
I still in that trap? Well, at least, you know
1:04:12
what I thought? At least I'm taking one step
1:04:15
at least. Yeah. Right. by allowing myself to
1:04:19
talk about the things that really, because I've
1:04:22
always been social. I've always made a lot of
1:04:25
friends and stuff like that, but I was very controlling
1:04:28
of what information I was giving access to. I
1:04:31
could talk about a lot of things, but I would
1:04:34
not talk about how I really felt about them.
1:04:39
Now, I talk about stuff and the first thing that
1:04:43
I noticed is that it comes out with such Intensity.
1:04:48
I'm crying. I'm screaming. I'm still aware. I
1:04:55
try to let the people around me know I'm going
1:04:57
for it. I'm going for it. Just bear with me.
1:05:02
It might sound bad. I'm sorry. I'm also a Libra.
1:05:05
I go from this side to this side real fast. I'm
1:05:09
trying to get to the middle. So I try to make
1:05:13
sure that people know. But I still like I want
1:05:16
to do the right thing. So yeah, it might be a
1:05:19
trap in the sense that I am still not Not dealing
1:05:25
fully with like why is that emotion even there?
1:05:30
Why do I feel like that right? Because you can't
1:05:33
just treat the surface, right? You also need
1:05:36
to treat like why why do I feel offended? Why
1:05:39
do I feel sad about this at the end of the day?
1:05:42
Yeah Does it really affect me that much? So dealing
1:05:46
with that and also dealing with the way you pass
1:05:51
the message to the other people, I think it just
1:05:55
helps keep you on, what do you call that in English?
1:06:01
Like floating. On the level. I mean balance.
1:06:06
Yeah. Yeah, in balance. Yeah. Yeah. You mentioned
1:06:12
Caring about something and you're asking why
1:06:15
do you care about it? So I I hate self -help
1:06:19
books, but I read the subtle art of not giving
1:06:23
a fuck And I found that to be very helpful at
1:06:28
just putting a little mental barometer in your
1:06:32
brain Going this isn't gonna change the outcome
1:06:35
of my life. So I do not care That's it. Yeah
1:06:39
that you don't need to read the book. That's
1:06:41
what it says Yes, it's gonna change the outcome
1:06:43
of you know, then I totally agree with you There
1:06:47
are a lot of there's a lot of content about self
1:06:50
development out there. Not all of it good Yeah,
1:06:54
a bit shitty But still there are some good good
1:06:59
things that I that I that I read Not the entire
1:07:03
book But at least some of the some of the messages
1:07:07
like really got to me and I I'm sorry. Do you
1:07:12
hear this? Yeah, there's structure going on right
1:07:18
now. What are you thinking? Like very very little.
1:07:22
I didn't have a setting like I'm sorry. No, it's
1:07:25
okay. It will get taken out anyway. So coming
1:07:29
back to it. There's a lot of books of course
1:07:31
self -development not all them good. There are
1:07:33
some of them that do have some really good messages
1:07:37
within them. I personally am attracted to the
1:07:39
ones that have science to back them up. Oh, yeah.
1:07:43
Right. My favorite book of all time is called
1:07:46
Algorithms to Live By, and it's the application
1:07:48
of computer algorithms into your life. And that
1:07:51
makes sense to me. I resonate with a lot of like
1:07:55
Jody Spencer's work because he goes through the
1:08:00
data. Like I'm in between like believing you
1:08:03
and whatever juju you're doing, but I also need
1:08:07
to see some data. Give me a little bit of that
1:08:10
as well. There are some really, really good books
1:08:18
out there on how to improve and work for that
1:08:21
juju exactly. Well, you know what? I hate I hate
1:08:33
when they tell you no do this do that. I'm telling
1:08:36
you what to do Whatever you're doing. It's wrong.
1:08:38
I hate books like that. Like I'll hold on That's
1:08:42
all the business ones I've read Teach me what
1:08:45
I what I why I was I doing it wrong not to repeat
1:08:49
it in the future Because I cannot change like
1:08:52
from this to this like just Yeah, you know Anyway,
1:08:58
I feel like I'm blabbing a lot like No, no, no,
1:09:04
I wouldn't go get I would I need to refill my
1:09:07
wine. Can I do that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah It's
1:09:11
been like a really rough time like 2019 Yeah
1:09:17
until now like the past three years. Oh I've
1:09:22
been I've been pretty hard like Health wise like
1:09:25
physically, you know 2019 was like mentally,
1:09:29
heavily mentally, but it also like I almost died
1:09:32
from that shit. It brought me to a point where
1:09:35
I was in my house, like walking like on all fours.
1:09:43
And I also developed like an OCD. And my mom,
1:09:46
I actually called for my mom. The only time I
1:09:49
called for my mom and actually trusted her after
1:09:51
so many years. But I've asked her like, when
1:09:53
you see me, because I knew. like I didn't I did
1:09:56
not look good like I lost so much weight I could
1:09:58
not stomach anything like not even water so I
1:10:01
was there for like a week and a half without
1:10:03
food without like I was actually just like forcing
1:10:07
food down down my stomach because I knew like
1:10:09
I need something but it was just like vomiting
1:10:12
and I couldn't even breathe too hard because
1:10:14
I was vomiting like it was it felt like a purge
1:10:17
and I was obsessed with the why You know, that's
1:10:22
that is one of the reasons why I was also mentioning
1:10:24
earlier like the why and I was like questioning
1:10:27
everything I even prayed after so many years
1:10:30
of not even saying the prayer I prayed and I
1:10:33
was asking like why is this happening like like
1:10:36
do not forget about me and stuff like that and
1:10:39
I try to think like at one point I was putting
1:10:42
down on pieces of paper Everything that I I thought
1:10:45
I did wrong in this life trying to trace like
1:10:47
why is this happening to me, right? So yeah,
1:10:51
my mom came, took care of me and just like spoon
1:10:54
fed me, bro. Like I was like, I should have been
1:10:57
taken to the hospital at that point because I
1:11:00
could not eat anything. And I was like weighing,
1:11:04
imagine I was, I'm 175 centimeters, right? I
1:11:08
was weighing at that point, 42 kilos. Oh my God.
1:11:14
42 kilos, like my - There's nothing. My stomach
1:11:18
like when I when I was like looking in the mirror
1:11:20
it was like Like this and Mentally I was having
1:11:29
one anxiety attack after the other and at one
1:11:33
point I had a really big one and I was crawling
1:11:35
trying to get help from my neighbors. I was living
1:11:38
alone and As I was approaching the door at one
1:11:42
point I felt like oh my god my heart is gonna
1:11:44
burst because it was beating so fast and The
1:11:50
reason why I have PTSD now is because at that
1:11:54
point I was so tired that I just like laid on
1:11:57
the floor and Just gave up So I reached that
1:12:03
point where I was just like ready like if if
1:12:06
if this is happening to me, you know what? Bro,
1:12:10
I cannot fight it anymore. I've tried so many
1:12:14
things. I cannot fight it. So I was just there
1:12:16
waiting for it to end. And mentally, this shift
1:12:21
has been so violent and even processing it. Being
1:12:28
aware that at some point, I was just ready for
1:12:31
it to end. Yeah. Yeah. And imagine that it was
1:12:40
happening when I thought my life was doing great.
1:12:46
So many amazing things in my life happening.
1:12:49
I felt so good about myself and stuff like that.
1:12:52
And just like that one day, I woke up and everything
1:12:56
changed. At the same time, that was the moment
1:12:59
when I switched like what happened afterwards.
1:13:02
When I started to recover, I went on meds. It
1:13:05
helped me to eat. That is the only goal that
1:13:08
I had. Like I knew I needed to eat. And so thankfully
1:13:14
SSRIs got me out of it. And not even like a big
1:13:18
dose. It was just like 50 milligrams, 50 milligrams
1:13:21
of sirtulin. And that was it. That got me to
1:13:25
eating again. That got me just like relax because
1:13:29
at one point I was waking up and I thought it
1:13:31
was an earthquake. I was calling for my mom.
1:13:33
I was so scared. It's an earthquake. And she
1:13:35
came and I was like, no, you're shivering. I
1:13:39
was actually shivering. Anyway, it's a long story.
1:13:42
It's a very big story. And yeah, I got traumatized
1:13:46
by it. And now every time something happens,
1:13:51
it just scares me so much that I will go back
1:13:54
to that point when I would just give up. And
1:13:57
I used to be this person like so in love with
1:14:00
life. You know, and appreciating everything and
1:14:04
finding everything so, so, so beautiful, like
1:14:07
people and, and experiences. Yeah, I am that
1:14:12
person, but knowing that bottom, I'm still working
1:14:17
on just like making sure I it's okay. I know
1:14:20
that bottom, but I have the tools now not to
1:14:23
get there, you know, but some part of me is just
1:14:26
like freaking scared of that, of that, of that
1:14:29
place. Anyway, no, no. Thank you for sharing
1:14:36
all that. Like, you know what? I could never,
1:14:40
honestly, from the little that I've known you,
1:14:43
I've known you for a bit over a month, right?
1:14:47
Or, yeah, a month and a half, something like
1:14:49
that. And I would have never guessed. And we've
1:14:54
had some deeper conversations. And even then,
1:14:58
when I've shared my things with you, You have
1:15:01
been such a ray of sunshine. Like seriously,
1:15:06
that's who you are to me. You know, it's exactly
1:15:12
what you said. Like what you tell people whenever
1:15:17
they feel down. Like if you need someone to talk
1:15:20
to, if you need five minutes of somebody's time
1:15:23
to feel understood. You know, it's the same thing.
1:15:29
I think it stems from the from the same thing
1:15:32
that I know how hard it is. So I will always
1:15:36
try to help because I know what it is to be alone
1:15:39
because I was going through it alone. Nobody
1:15:41
knew nobody until I called my mom. Nobody knew.
1:15:44
And it also took a lot for me to call my mom
1:15:47
and trust her that way. I get from from moving
1:15:52
away from from a relationship where In my childhood,
1:15:56
I was not allowed to show any emotion. I told
1:16:01
her, if there is ever a moment when I need you
1:16:05
to just come and just like, not even support
1:16:10
me, but help me go through this and not cry,
1:16:15
not be judgmental, this is the time. Because
1:16:19
if you cannot do that, I don't know what's going
1:16:24
to happen to me. Yeah. And I'm so grateful that
1:16:27
she understood that, you know, because it helped
1:16:30
a lot like healing our relationship and stuff
1:16:32
like that, you know, like for her to be able
1:16:34
to go past her emotions and not being, you know,
1:16:38
so narcissist about whatever she's going through,
1:16:41
you know, and make it about. Yeah. And that's
1:16:45
amazing growth on her part, too. Yeah, I know.
1:16:48
My mind has so much growth. Like, I'm happy to
1:16:51
have been able to heal. that and and just like
1:16:55
yeah because um speaking on the term like i'm
1:17:01
i'm flabbergasted because i could never my mom
1:17:04
would be the last person like i love my mom dearly
1:17:07
she does not have the emotional intelligence
1:17:10
or awareness to ever help me out she would sink
1:17:16
me deeper You know, it's the same thing that
1:17:21
I found. I mean, I don't want to assume everybody
1:17:22
has their own whatever, but I discovered that
1:17:27
being the Lulu sometimes and forcing that relationship,
1:17:32
forcing that type of relationship you want to
1:17:35
have onto them, even if it's uncomfortable, even
1:17:39
if it doesn't feel like you, even if you like,
1:17:42
why am I like hugging my dad? Like we've never
1:17:45
done, our relationship is never like that. It's
1:17:48
like forcing yourself to do it. The first time
1:17:51
that I did that, it was awkward for the both
1:17:53
of us. It's like two socially awkward penguins
1:17:57
hugging each other with their little wings. Year
1:18:02
after year, and every time I saw them, it actually
1:18:06
did something. Over time, they felt comfortable
1:18:11
to open themselves to me. and just like express
1:18:16
their emotions as well because they were not
1:18:19
taught to be like that. No, no, no. But it's
1:18:23
something beautiful that happens when you allow
1:18:25
people and you make the safe space for them to
1:18:29
just try it, you know? Yeah, yeah. I believe
1:18:33
there is. And I've been doing that with her for
1:18:37
years. Like my mom went from the person that
1:18:40
would never say I love you or give you a hug
1:18:42
or compliments. Well, compliments she did do.
1:18:45
She's a very thin person. Yeah. So but it was
1:18:49
it was in the way of you're so pretty because
1:18:51
you're my child. So you're my little trophy kind
1:18:53
of thing. That's how it was. Same thing with
1:18:57
my brother. My brother's so perfect because that's
1:18:59
her child. Right. Like it was from that place.
1:19:04
And she has had a growth because going from a
1:19:08
person that never said I love you or her kids
1:19:10
or anything like that. She hugs us, hugs her
1:19:15
grandkids. I mean, she is very loving in that
1:19:18
sense verbally and even physically. However,
1:19:21
when you try to break down certain falls with
1:19:25
her, because I've tried, that the Lulu states,
1:19:28
oh yes, I'm the type that writes novels for them
1:19:33
in birthday cards. Like I am telling them everything
1:19:37
that they make me feel and more. like pouring
1:19:41
and pouring and pouring into them and She'll
1:19:45
appreciate that and love it but in the turn it's
1:19:49
like Well, I'm happy that it's your birthday
1:19:53
Happy birthday. I love you so much. You're you're
1:19:57
so beautiful. You're this and that but that's
1:19:59
it's very superficial devoid of emotions Know
1:20:03
what I did? I bullied them into doing Maybe that's
1:20:08
what I need to do. I don't know. I really like
1:20:11
it from it from the experience It feels like
1:20:13
I'm bullying them. But actually I gave them,
1:20:15
you know those books where they have like prompts
1:20:17
like to write I've given her that oh my god Yeah,
1:20:22
I've been sitting on her bookcase for years.
1:20:24
I feel I'm really then I'm I'm constantly calling
1:20:28
them like in this sign yet to writing Get to
1:20:31
writing. Yeah, I'm actually applying what they
1:20:33
did when I was a child and it's so funny and
1:20:36
in some ways it heals me, you know, or better
1:20:42
than because Yeah, my dad is the lost cause but
1:20:48
the best thing is a lost cause because I Never
1:20:51
really grew up with them. So our relationship
1:20:53
has always been awkward But he lives in another
1:20:58
country so when we do talk He likes to keep it
1:21:01
very positive, very, you know, yeah, sweet because
1:21:04
we don't talk that often. So therefore it should
1:21:07
always be on a positive note. Right. And when
1:21:10
I do see him, he's great to talk to. He has a
1:21:13
lot of good points of views and this and that.
1:21:16
But do I really know the real him? Probably not.
1:21:20
I know a curated version of him. Yeah. But my
1:21:24
mom is the one that I spend more time with. Right.
1:21:27
And my sister and my brother. Like my brother
1:21:29
is very emotionally aware, very intelligent.
1:21:33
I like to say that. It's because he has sisters
1:21:36
only that he has been able to, you know, be OK
1:21:40
with being vulnerable and expressing himself,
1:21:43
which is funny because my older sister. Is not
1:21:48
very vulnerable or expressive. She is with me,
1:21:52
but I had like when we're alone. Not in front
1:21:56
of other people or she's speaking. that with
1:21:59
me she'll call me and tell me everything that's
1:22:01
going on under the sun and I'm listening and
1:22:03
listening giving her advice but if she would
1:22:06
never speak like that in front of everybody else
1:22:08
in front of everybody else she has this armor
1:22:11
and always just the older sister yeah and my
1:22:17
brother in the in his mindset he's like I'm the
1:22:20
baby I'm the only boy like I'm who I am and I
1:22:24
am he's never had an identity issue like He's
1:22:27
always just been him, which is amazing. Love
1:22:31
that for him. And then with my mom, it's just
1:22:36
like you get to a certain point and a certain
1:22:40
level and she refuses to dig deeper. Yeah. Is
1:22:46
that an easy thing to do, you know? Yeah. And
1:22:49
she has like shared, you know, I wasn't brought
1:22:51
up like this. This is not something I can do
1:22:53
comfortably. And I tell her, well, tell me one
1:22:56
thing. Just just one. And then I'll ask her the
1:23:00
next time. Remember when you said that? What
1:23:03
do you mean? What did you mean by that? And she's
1:23:05
like, I'm group timer now. And I'm like, OK,
1:23:10
I know they will respond within just to be vulnerable
1:23:13
sometimes just to just to let go of that control.
1:23:17
Yeah, yeah. But going back to the question I
1:23:20
did after you. Circling back. Circling back.
1:23:26
I wanted to ask, because they're similar to the
1:23:29
question you asked me, like, how did you become
1:23:33
aware that, you know, you had that fear or that
1:23:37
you felt those emotions about really sharing
1:23:40
your thoughts or how people perceive you? Because
1:23:43
I think it has a lot to do with that, too, like
1:23:45
how people perceived you and your being uncomfortable
1:23:49
with rocking that boat. Right you wanted to kind
1:23:53
of fit into what they thought of you That's the
1:23:56
only thing I can think of personally like if
1:23:58
I've ever not shared my thoughts is because this
1:24:01
is who they think I am so I'll let them think
1:24:05
that I am that I ran out of candles