Latest / The Imperfect Impulse w/Bree O'Connor / Ep. 8: The Bastardization of Self-Care

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Ep. 8: The Bastardization of Self-Care · The Imperfect Impulse w/Bree O'Connor

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, welcome to the Imperfect Impulse with Brie O'Connor.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm your host, Brie O'Connor.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: We have a big topic today, so I've brought an extra large coffee with me.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully I can keep to my time constraints.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Also, my dog's bladder will protest if I stay in here too long.
• 0:27
  But this is where I need to make my disclaimer that I am not a
• 0:36
  mental health professional.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Please do not take this as anything other than creative advice.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is not mental health or medical advice.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: However, there is something that is impacting our general practice.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm seeing it in rehearsal rooms and I'm hearing a lot of
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: anecdotal conversation among teachers I know,
• 1:05
  like creative professionals who are in the educational space
• 1:09
  with young people in particular,
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: right now there is an impulse to hyper-protect.
• 1:21
  I was having a conversation with an acting teacher in Puerto
• 1:25
  Rico just yesterday.
• 1:28
  And he was telling me how it is becoming really hard to engage
• 1:36
  his young acting
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: students in activity.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: They need to be gently brought in.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: They are resistant to failure.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of anxiety there.
• 1:52
  There is a lot of cajoling that he has to do in order to get
• 1:57
  his students to
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: participate in an exercise.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of his class time is taken up by hand-holding.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Which, you know, when he's not an older teacher, he's a young man.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: So in just the span of a few years, he's noticing this...
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: shift culturally,
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: and that it's not just one or two students,
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: but it's,
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: he sees,
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: he told me,
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: 120 kids.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's a pretty large sample.
• 2:35
  And I've heard this from other teachers in different areas of
• 2:40
  the country so often.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: This feels at least anecdotally of concern,
• 2:47
  this idea that you need to be in the right frame of mind to
• 2:54
  pursue your practice.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not there at the outset, it's not worth beginning.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is the devil's talk.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's a voice that I've had.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen lots of other people battle this particular demon.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And shut up.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: That voice is not worth listening to.
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  Because the truth is,
• 3:21
  how many of us feel like getting up and doing the thing?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to sidetrack for a second.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: There is a...
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's an Instagrammer who goes by the handle IamYoshi.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And some of you may have seen it.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: He does these motivational videos.
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  And usually it's the same dance and the same song in different
• 3:46
  locations for
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: slightly different reasons.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: But the song is, you know, I do it anyway.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a bit of an earworm.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't like earworms, I warn you against checking the show notes.
• 4:02
  In the instance that a little laugh or levity will help you
• 4:06
  remind yourself to get
• 4:07
  past this moment of assuming you have to be in the right frame
• 4:12
  of mind to create.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: You create that frame of mind by taking the step forward.
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  SPEAKER_00: By engaging with your practice.
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  SPEAKER_00: And anybody who goes to the gym,
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: who does yoga,
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  who handles any physical practice will tell you that you may be
• 4:37
  tired and just not
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: feeling it.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: But the second you step into that practice,
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  SPEAKER_00: you hit that first pose,
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  SPEAKER_00: you do that first stretch,
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  SPEAKER_00: you create the space for that physical practice.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Same thing is true with any arts practice.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: You take the first step and you commit to doing your practice.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: You create the space in which that practice is possible.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean that your practice is going to be great that day.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: It might not.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: However, the impact is cumulative.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: So keep doing it.
• 5:22
  And eventually you'll find that that first step becomes easier
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  and easier and easier.
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  SPEAKER_00: You have to start.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's just the first thing.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's fairly universal.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of people experience that feeling.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not exactly indicative of this particular moment.
• 5:42
  But where we're going to step into a little more complication
• 5:45
  is self-coddling.
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  And from what I see over the years is that this is a gross
• 5:54
  misunderstanding of the
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  SPEAKER_00: concept of self-care.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is going to get gross for a second,
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  SPEAKER_00: but the idea of self-care grew up,
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  SPEAKER_00: as is my understanding,
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  SPEAKER_00: inside the fight for civil rights.
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  SPEAKER_00: which is exhausting when your personhood is the thing that is at issue,
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  SPEAKER_00: the very core of your being.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when you are in that fight, you do need to practice self-care, right?
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  So in that space,
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  the idea was not,
• 6:40
  I need a mental health day because I can't hashtag adult.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: okay,
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  SPEAKER_00: I know that everyone I'm working with has my back,
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  SPEAKER_00: so I need to go replenish so that I can go back tomorrow.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's not what's happening here in the art space.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing we are doing here is that big of a deal.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, we don't need to
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: worry about not being in the right headspace to play zip zap zap, okay?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know that's oversimplifying because we do paint with emotion.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's our canvas.
• 7:34
  And yes,
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  we do need to be mindful and careful,
• 7:39
  but let us also remember that this is pretend.
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  SPEAKER_00: If your work, be it as an actor,
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  SPEAKER_00: or as a painter or whatever, is re-injuring yourself.
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  SPEAKER_00: You need to seek some professional care.
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  What's going on here is that you need to build your
• 8:02
  self-awareness so that you
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: understand all of your issues.
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  SPEAKER_00: You understand how everything sort of impacts you.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: But also on the flip side of self-awareness,
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  SPEAKER_00: of recognizing how things impact you,
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  is also building the self-trust that you know what you can do
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  to help yourself heal.
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  You know what you can do to decompress,
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  to help yourself feel better,
• 8:42
  to come back to stasis.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: That is where the focus of your practice needs to be,
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  SPEAKER_00: is not only understanding what your issues are,
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  SPEAKER_00: but doing so so you are not afraid of your issues.
• 9:01
  Self-care means recognizing and being responsive to your limits,
• 9:07
  not being ruled by your limits.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: When we go to the gym and we want to
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: build strength, we need to push ourselves a little bit further.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: We need to work to the point of fatigue, not exhaustion.
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  SPEAKER_00: Fatigue is a space where we have growth and where we build.
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  SPEAKER_00: Exhaustion is where we
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: rip and tear and injure.
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  So that is why it is imperative that you build your sense of self-awareness,
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  SPEAKER_00: why you need to examine and become intimately aware of your system,
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: where you carry stress and
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: what makes you agitated,
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  and how to calm your system so that you can deal with it from a
• 10:17
  logical space and
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: you are not responding from a place of fear and terror.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Fear and terror are absolutely dangerous.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, an angry dog, that's a dog that can be convinced to chill out.
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  SPEAKER_00: terrified dog is fighting for his life.
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  SPEAKER_00: So there's a difference there.
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  SPEAKER_00: You need to be able to be in control of your system.
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  SPEAKER_00: This means pushing yourself to be aware.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I hope that feels graspable.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think we also need to accept in the larger scheme of things
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: as a theater person, I work in an ensemble art form.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if someone drops the ball, you know, it happens.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it happens.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And in a well-oiled team,
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  everyone there is aware of themselves and aware of everyone in
• 11:30
  the room and is
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  SPEAKER_00: taking care.
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  SPEAKER_00: So if you drop the ball,
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  great,
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  they'll cover for you because they understand themselves and
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  understand the situation.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's when an ensemble is working at its highest.
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  SPEAKER_00: But you cannot get to that point if you are reserving yourself,
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  SPEAKER_00: if you are not being generous with your collaborators,
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: then you
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  SPEAKER_00: No one's going to see the catastrophe coming.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that's not fair to your colleagues.
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  SPEAKER_00: And inside the ensemble, guess what?
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  SPEAKER_00: We all have challenges.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we're all working through things, with things.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that needs to be, I struggle with what I'm about to say.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I mean this in the most wonderful, egalitarian way.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're not special.
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  SPEAKER_00: I mean, of course, individually, you are special.
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  SPEAKER_00: But in terms of the team, you're not special.
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  SPEAKER_00: The team is special.
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  SPEAKER_00: You are a special part of the team.
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  But it is unfair for you to continually ask your collaborators
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  to pick up after you.
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  SPEAKER_00: To create an extra burden for them.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because you don't feel like adulting today.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because you don't feel like you are in the proper headspace.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is an immature approach to ensemble and it is unacceptable.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not saying this from a place of perfection.
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  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we all have bad days and sometimes we do need to ask for help.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying we have to always be super strong or perfect.
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  But you have to have tight boundaries around what is your responsibility.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't meet your responsibilities alone,
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  SPEAKER_00: it is your responsibility to look for appropriate support.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not to dump it on everyone else and have them juggle in the moment.
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  SPEAKER_00: Do you see the difference?
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  SPEAKER_00: For example,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's easier to make this concrete in that if you are working in a,
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  SPEAKER_00: let's say,
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  SPEAKER_00: a restaurant kitchen,
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  SPEAKER_00: and it's the end of the night,
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  SPEAKER_00: and you've been slammed,
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  SPEAKER_00: and there's more dishes than anyone can imagine,
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  SPEAKER_00: and there's food and sauce and stuff all over the floor,
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  SPEAKER_00: You can't just check out because you don't feel like it.
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  Because what happens in that team if two or three people decide,
• 15:02
  I just can't handle this today.
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  SPEAKER_00: And they bow out.
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  Is that fair to the people who are left to take over your responsibilities?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's not.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it's not fair to ask people to hold your responsibility.
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  SPEAKER_00: issues and manage them.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's your job.
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  My concern here is that younger artists are consistently opting out,
• 15:39
  tapping out of the game.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm just going to watch.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel I can handle it.
• 15:45
  I have childhood trauma and therefore there are certain
• 15:49
  subjects I can't address.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well,
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  if there are certain subjects that you can't address and
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  they're that severe that
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  you can't do a mask exercise or engage with Tennessee Williams
• 16:09
  or whatever,
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  SPEAKER_00: then maybe you need to go and get some professional help
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And stay away from getting involved professionally for a while.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's totally valid.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: You need to do that sometimes.
• 16:28
  I was in a production,
• 16:32
  this was several years ago,
• 16:33
  probably about almost 10 years ago.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: where the role,
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna get too specific here,
• 16:41
  but the role for that this particular actor had been contracted
• 16:50
  to perform had an
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: element of grief,
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  SPEAKER_00: overwhelming grief to it.
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  SPEAKER_00: And this actor told me during rehearsal process
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  SPEAKER_00: After clashing with the director,
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: because this actor was not giving the moment that the text required,
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  SPEAKER_00: and this actor said to me,
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: I promised myself I wasn't going to do that this year.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm taking care of myself, so I'm just not going to deal with grief.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Honey, then go home.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: The whole role is grief.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you take it?
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  It just blew my mind that you don't get to not serve the play
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  because you just
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: promised yourself you're not going to do that this year.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not going to serve the play, go home.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let someone who's ready to do the work do the work.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's not fair to anyone.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Fear
• 18:06
  boring so we don't really watch horror movies to watch these
• 18:15
  characters become
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: stiff with fear and give in.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: We watch
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we do want to have that little spark of terror inside ourselves.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'll get to that in a minute.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: But we watch these horror movies to watch people struggle to survive.
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  SPEAKER_00: We want to watch them fight.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: And even if they lose, we want to watch them struggle.
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  SPEAKER_00: Struggle is endless.
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  SPEAKER_00: eminently more fascinating to the viewer.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Why do we like to watch people struggle?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is it because we're sadists in some way?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, some of us are.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's just statistically true.
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  But dramatically watching someone struggle and fight and try
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  even if they fail that
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: provides a bit of
• 19:19
  inspiration to us we watch the struggles of others as sort of a
• 19:27
  test of our own
• 19:28
  nervous systems if i was in that situation would i make those
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  choices would i make
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  SPEAKER_00: a different choice how would i feel could i survive it
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  SPEAKER_00: And that's true not just in the horror genre,
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: but it's also true in Tennessee Williams,
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: just to call back to that.
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  SPEAKER_00: Could I survive that pain?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: That loneliness?
• 20:04
  That sense of alienation where we're looking for ourselves in
• 20:09
  that story and we are
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: not interested in the fear.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: We might be interested in our own fear.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's a separate situation.
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  SPEAKER_00: We're not interested in that fear itself.
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  SPEAKER_00: We're interested in what people do with that fear.
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  SPEAKER_00: And fear on its own is freaking boring.
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  So if you are working from a place of fear and not
• 20:45
  acknowledging and struggling
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: against it,
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  SPEAKER_00: your work will suffer.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to embrace the tension of
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: between your fear and your drive.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is the sweet spot where the work lives.
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  Ultimately,
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  I feel your best work comes from your most honest work,
• 21:08
  your most self-aware work.
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  Where you are free to make choices instead of continually
• 21:18
  repeating subconscious
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: patterns over and over and over again.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is the benefit of an artistic practice.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is the benefit that it has to your mental health and to your life.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's not letting those things take you down.
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  SPEAKER_00: But
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  SPEAKER_00: being brave enough to look at them and make conscious choices.
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  SPEAKER_00: Honestly,
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  SPEAKER_00: at the end of a project,
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  SPEAKER_00: I care less about whether it was quote unquote good or quote unquote bad.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Did you learn?
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Did you learn from this experience?
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: Did you grow?
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Did you have an experience that you didn't have before?
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  Did you express an experience that's been locked inside you and
• 22:16
  kept a secret?
• 22:18
  Did you take a look at that secret and find out that it is
• 22:25
  inherently human?
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  SPEAKER_00: You're okay.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: Being okay is
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  SPEAKER_00: Being brave is not the absence of fear or struggle.
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  It is the essence of self-awareness and self-trust that you can
• 22:46
  look at yourself
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  SPEAKER_00: and say,
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  SPEAKER_00: I now have the tools to navigate this.
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  SPEAKER_00: I trust myself.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the day, that's what expertise is.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: It is not being perfect all the time,
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: under perfect conditions,
• 23:08
  under a perfect state of mind with the perfect weather and the
• 23:13
  perfect teammates.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: It is,
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: no,
• 23:17
  I can walk into any space and create because I have all of my
• 23:25
  faculties and all of
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: my tools with me and I trust me.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that's what we need to work toward in our arts practice.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: I trust me.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Take a moment when you're not feeling it and do it anyway.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: Then look back at your work and say, did I learn anything?
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: That is the imperfect impulse for this week.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a little raspy this morning.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm realizing that now.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not exactly using my vocal work, so I apologize for that.
• 24:18
  That's what happens when you're the first people that I've
• 24:21
  spoken to this morning.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't quite warm up.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, oh, did I learn something?
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I did.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks again for joining me on the Imperfect Impulse.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Brie O'Connor and I will see you next week.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't forget to share if this was of value to you today.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.