Latest / Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler / Matchmaker Matchmaker with Chelsea + Catherine

Transcript

Matchmaker Matchmaker with Chelsea + Catherine · Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: I'm really excited about today, Chelsea.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Oh oh wow, you have a little party boomer. I
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: actually a little podcast party boomer.
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: Can I tell you why, Chelsea? We are finally going
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: to do some matchmaking.
• 0:16
  Speaker 3: Oh that's nice, callers, pay attention. Are these just for
• 0:20
  Speaker 3: gay people or is this for hetero heterogenerous heado generous couples?
• 0:26
  Speaker 4: You know?
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Here is the thing. When I finally dug into the emails,
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: I thought to myself, like, how am I going to
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: hook these people up?
• 0:32
  Speaker 5: Right?
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: Because people are all over the country, all over the
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: world emailing in. Some people are gay, some people are straight,
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: et cetera. There are a lot of straight women that
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: wrote in. And I you know, we will do our
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: best for you ladies, but yes, it's going to be
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: more successful for gay guys.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Okay, well take whatever we can tell you. You know
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: what I mean. We have to help who we can help.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: Yes, But I thought what we'd do. I thought we
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: can do sort of a crowdsourcing thing and then we'll
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: let people side into their into an email that we
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: create for them. Cute, Chelsea, I have some updates from
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: some previous callers. Are you ready for this?
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Yes?
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: Okay, Well, this first one is from a recent piece
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: of advice that we gave Melanie. She was from an
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: episode that you and I had done together. Her airbnb
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: host was a little older, little sexy older man situation.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: She was worried about putting the moves. Uh huh, She says,
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: I have a very happy update for you. After another
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: month of growing closer and getting flirty, my host finally
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: bit the bullet while we were on a hike.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: Together, add sister. I love it.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: Until me he'd like to be more than friends. Needless
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: to say, I was so relieved since I've clearly been
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: such a chicken about making a move Since then, we
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: went on a first official date where he took me
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: to the movies and surprised me with roses. We finally
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: said everything we've been holding in, and things moved quickly.
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: Ever, I love that part or you tell each other
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: all the times you were about to say something and
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: you didn't, and then they tell you what they were thinking.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: That's the most exciting time of a reallyationship. It's the best.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: It's a very very beginning where you're just flirting and
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: like trying to like be on your best behavior.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: And like filling in the gaps from things that have
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: already happened, like here's where my head was at with that.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: He treats me like absolute gold, and I'm stunned that
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: it's even possible to feel so adored by an emotionally
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: available man. I'm being showered with words of adoration and
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: we're already talking about finding ways for me to stay
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: here in New Zealand long term. It's a big adjustment.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: Living in the same house and dating a much older
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: man is all new territory for me. But I'm more
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: than ready to heal all the dating app drama I
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: endured in my twenties. Thanks again for your encouragement and
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: all you do on this podcast. Hopefully I can provide
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: more happy updates soon. In gratitude a Melanie.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: And stay in New Zealand.
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: That's a safe place for global warming too. They're saying
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: New Zealand US. All the bunkers are over there.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: Are there?
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, they have a lot of millionaires and billionaires have
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: built like bunkers into the side of the mountains in
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: New Zealand, even though it's pretty much an island.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't have huge elevation but has protective rock
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: layering and there are hills and stuff. Yeah.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: We have a friend who is a Kiwi and he
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: did COVID right. He decided to like leave his terrible
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: wife and go back to New Zealand at the beginning
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: of COVID, and he was like, I got there. You
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: have to quarantine for two weeks, right, so they put
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: you up. The government put you up in a nice
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: hotel on the beach and one hour a day they
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: would like have someone follow you for your like romantic
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: walk on the beach so you could have some outdoors time.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: And then they give you like steak dinners every night
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: for two weeks, all on the government. I was like,
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: good job New Zealand.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: For when you were stressed out.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: No, just like during the beginning of COVID when he
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: had to quarantine because they only let.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah that is nice.
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: Yes, I'm having dinner with my friends tonight and he
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: just texted me, do you want sushi or steak?
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: I'm like sushi.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: I don't want steak any early.
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: I don't know even when my bell gets steak for
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: the house. I look at it now and I'm just
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: so disgusted. I can't even eat it. I can eat
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: a burger, but steak itself starting to get really grossed
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: out by I know.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Sometimes you do just get the ick like I sometimes
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: we'll get the ick for chicken for like two years ago.
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I had that about salmon, and now
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: I'm down, deep down, I'm upriver with salmon.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: I love salmon.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: You know why.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: I also like salmon because bears love salmon, and I
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: love fucking watching bears try and catch salmon. Do you
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: watch YouTube videos or it's just like your canon stadium?
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I watch are bears and fat fat babies?
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: Oh yes, I love both of those things.
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: It's amazing how a lot of people do not like
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: fat babies because I forward that stuff to my girlfriends
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: and a lot of them are like, stop sending us this.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: They're like, this is gross. I'm like what, I think
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: it's beautiful. I mean, when is the time to be
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: a fatty unless.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: It's absolutely easiest time to do it?
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: See?
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: My thing right now is just like dogs that are
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: howling or like singing quote unquote, and people will write
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: these like jazz tunes underneath them, and it cracks me
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: up every single time. I just absolutely love it. Dog
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: humor is pretty solid, solid, It's solid.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: On that note, we're gonna take a quick break and
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: will be right back, and we're back.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: We are well, h says dear Chelsea. I'm an almost
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: thirty three year old woman living alone in a major
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: city in Washington State, which I recently relocated to to
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: be closer to certain members of my family. My relationship
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: with my mother has gotten a little bit better in
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: recent years as both of us have been going to therapy,
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: but still honestly has quite a ways to go. I
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: love her very much and do believe she's a wonderful
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: person underneath it all. My mom has never liked any
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: person I've ever introduced her to, whether they were romantic
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: or a friend. She always seems to see the worst
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: in people, even when they've never given her any reason
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: to be suspicious or wary. In all my adult life,
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: I have simply tried to accept that that's how she is,
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: and let her unsolicited opinions about me and my life
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: choices roll off my back like water off a ducts back,
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: as you like to say. Periods of time in which
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: I've gone low contact or given her a strict information
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: diet to preserve my joy and protect myself from her
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: unsolicited opinions. But I've also tried to do right by
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: her and make her proud. I've been dating my boyfriend
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: for a few months, and recently it felt like a
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: good time to casually introduce him to some of my people,
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: my folks included. I felt that it all went well.
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: All of my friends absolutely loved him, and the meeting
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: with my folks seemed very chill and cordial. Then a
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: week after that, my mom expressed significant concern. She said
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: that he makes her feel uncomfortable, that she feels he
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: is potentially dangerous, and has a gut feeling that he's
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: bad news. I maintained my composure to hear her out,
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: but gently pressed to ask if he said anything rude
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: or did anything inappropriate that made her feel this way.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: She said no, it was just her intuition exactly. I
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: feel I should mention that he does have an alternative look.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: He's missing a few teeth from a traumatic altercation in
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: his youth and looks a bit rough around the edge.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: I've heard his stories and get zero red flags from them,
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: and honestly find it very hot that he has his
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: own style. He's in touch with himself, and I find
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: his look very attractive. He's a wonderful man who treats
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: me better than I've ever been treated, and is much
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: softer on the inside than he looks on the outside. However,
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: I truly value intuition. Do I put stock in hers
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: or trust my own? Sincerely?
• 7:22
  Speaker 6: H Hi, h Hi, Chelsea, Hi Catherine, So great to
• 7:27
  Speaker 6: meet you.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: Is that a cabbage patch kid behind you in that window?
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: So some weird dull?
• 7:32
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I'm a nanny, so there's all sorts of kid.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: Oh oh, I see copy of that.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: Yes, we are catching her during nap time.
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: So it sounds like you have a long history of
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: this dynamic in your relationship, right, that she's been pulling
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: this shit for years and years.
• 7:45
  Speaker 6: Yeah, and to the point where I want to honor
• 7:47
  Speaker 6: her perspective and I want to always consider if there
• 7:50
  Speaker 6: may be is some truth to any of her complaints,
• 7:54
  Speaker 6: you know, But when I really think about it, I
• 7:57
  Speaker 6: just can't quite figure out what her deal is, why
• 8:00
  Speaker 6: there's consistently a problem.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: And has her intuition been right before?
• 8:05
  Speaker 6: Not really, I mean, not in anything else. I mean,
• 8:08
  Speaker 6: she's been correct that my relationships in the past didn't
• 8:11
  Speaker 6: last forever. But that was my choice and a good one.
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: But that's more factual, that's not intuitive, right, that's what happened.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Happened.
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: I would put a lot less value in what her
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: intuition is telling her. There is a nice way to
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: say this to her, though, because you have a great
• 8:27
  Speaker 3: opportunity because you just said all of these things that
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: make your boyfriend or I don't know if you're calling
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: him that yet, are you calling him your boyfriend? Okay,
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: your boyfriend like shady kind of characteristics like he's missing
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: a couple of teeth, or what people would frame as
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: rough around the edges as you mentioned like that, right,
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: I think that's really open minded of you that that
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: doesn't bother you. That's a great place to start to say,
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: to just engage in this conversation and go, you know,
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: while I can understand for this, this and this reasons
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: that might have made you uncomfortable, but I don't really
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: look at those things as you know, I think those
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: are characteristic of who he is, not as character flaws,
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: you know, And you can use your own language to
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: say all of this, but it's a great opportunity to
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: a be soft and gentle honor her intuition, and also
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: let her know it's really no longer welcome. You're a
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: woman now. You don't need her opinion, you don't need
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: her approval. She's not even proven herself to be good
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: at listening to her intuition. These are judgments, not intuitiveness.
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: You know, judgment and intuition are two different things.
• 9:31
  Speaker 6: So yeah, well, thank you for clarifying, because that's kind
• 9:35
  Speaker 6: of where I was trying to draw the line as well,
• 9:37
  Speaker 6: where it's like, if it actually felt like intuition, if
• 9:39
  Speaker 6: it was coming from a best friend who actually knows
• 9:43
  Speaker 6: me really really well.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: Or has a track record of steering you in the
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: right direction.
• 9:48
  Speaker 6: Then I would be taking it super seriously. But with her,
• 9:51
  Speaker 6: it's like, now, I think that's just a nice word
• 9:53
  Speaker 6: for judgment.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: For me, it's a big green flag to me that
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: all your friends really really liked him, and that you
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: know he got along with the rest of your people.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: And I think you know you have this track record
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: with your mom of like, she doesn't like your friends,
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: she doesn't like whoever you bring home. I think you
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: mentioned she loves everybody your sister brings home.
• 10:11
  Speaker 4: M M.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: Of course, when you just gotta feel amazing. But you mentioned,
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: you know, wanting to do right by her and make
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: her proud, and I think for me, especially, like that's
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: something I carry with me all the time that I'm
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: working on. Dismantling in my thirties is just like being
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: okay with sort of disappointing my parents and in ways
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: that are sort of large and small, and often you know,
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: the result is not as catastrophic as I thought it
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: was going to be in in previous years. And you know,
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: like Chelsea said, having a conversation with her reminding her,
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: don't judge a book by its cover. That's not what
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: I'm doing. And I'd love to see him prove you wrong.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: And you know, whether or not we stay together for
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: the long haul. I think he's a great person and
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: would love for you to get to know him better.
• 10:55
  Speaker 6: Right, So would you both say that would you recommend
• 10:58
  Speaker 6: that I wait to have that conversation with her and
• 11:02
  Speaker 6: then kind of feel out how any future meetings between
• 11:08
  Speaker 6: them might go, because I I don't want to completely
• 11:11
  Speaker 6: bar him from any part of my family life just
• 11:14
  Speaker 6: because she's going to get pissy.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: But I also don't want to.
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: I think you're going to be surprised by her reaction
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: to this because it doesn't sound like you've had this
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: conversation with her before.
• 11:22
  Speaker 6: Correct not on this subject, but I have essentially said
• 11:26
  Speaker 6: very similar things to her opinions about either my school
• 11:31
  Speaker 6: or my career or my this or my you know whatever.
• 11:34
  Speaker 6: So just different topic, you know.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: We'll use this topic, and trying to like just change
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: the approach, even just slightly different, so that it's memorable
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: for both of you in a positive way, because I
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: think you don't seem like an angry person. But get
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: rid of any anger.
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: Or accusation, okay, because even calling out her judgment is
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: really her accusing him of being something that she has
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: no proof to bear witness of. So I think you're
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: gonna look at this and you're gonna be proud of yourself.
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: And it cannot be understated to every single person who's
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: listening today. When you act and courage and you stand
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: up to something that bothers you in a loving way,
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: it's like you evolve to the next level of being
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: a human being because you won't ever have to struggle
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: with that kind of thing again. So it's worth every
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: minute that you spend thinking about it and executing it
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: in the like, in your highest vibe and really getting
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: the message across to your mother in a loving way.
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: And I guarantee you will be You will be very
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: surprised by the response, because I don't think you're gonna
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: have to worry about when to schedule after even if
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: she gets mad, Initially, she's going to come down and
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: think about what happened, and she's going to know that
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: she wants to see you.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: That's going to be, you know, a double thing, and
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: she's going to want.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: To prove to you that she's not judgmental and that
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: her intuition is right. And in that effort, she will
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: be wanting to spend time with you. And that's not
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: to say that her intuition is right, but that will
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: be her motivation, do.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: Because you came at her at a different level, and
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: then that requires a different response. You can't mingle the
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: same way when you're doing it differently.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know you've learned this lesson not to
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: judge a book by its cover. You really like this guy,
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: he seems really great, but she hasn't learned that lesson yet.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: So coming at her with a sort of like you
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: don't have to say this to her, but in your
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: mind being like aw, like she has she's not quite
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: there yet, you're encouraging her like maybe just have an
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: open mind. I really like him, and maybe you'll you'll
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: have a different opinion down the road, and then like
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: leaving it at that. I think whether to like talk
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: to her about it or shoot her a text is
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: dependent on like how sort of activated you think that
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: you will be. Do you feel like you can have
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: this conversation with her in person and not get upset
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: with her, or do you think maybe shoot her a text.
• 13:42
  Speaker 6: At some point, I feel like I can as long
• 13:46
  Speaker 6: as things haven't been like getting inflammatory earlier on that
• 13:50
  Speaker 6: you know, hang out or conversation. But she is in
• 13:54
  Speaker 6: town actually for the next couple of days, so I've
• 13:57
  Speaker 6: just been kind of keeping things neutral around a little
• 14:00
  Speaker 6: bit of an information diet, just calling like normal and
• 14:03
  Speaker 6: just shooting the breeze, not really bringing it up, just
• 14:07
  Speaker 6: trying to not upset myself with it. So I feel
• 14:11
  Speaker 6: like if the opportunity presents itself and makes sense, then
• 14:16
  Speaker 6: I might go for it, and if not, then I
• 14:19
  Speaker 6: might just wait a little bit longer and maybe add
• 14:22
  Speaker 6: something like that into a text the next time that
• 14:25
  Speaker 6: I'm going to be in her orbit.
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: And also, you know, the more that you do bring
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: him around, the less of sort of a shock his
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: appearance will be. Like when you get to know someone,
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: their appearance in a weird way sort of fades away.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: You don't notice these sort of really specific things about
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: them that you might have noticed so much in the beginning.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: So you know, I would definitely encourage you to like
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: keep bringing him around.
• 14:46
  Speaker 6: Awesome, we'll do cool.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: And also will you text us a picture of him too,
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: or like the two of you together?
• 14:52
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 14:52
  Speaker 6: Absolutely, it's going to be from a rocky horror picture show.
• 14:55
  Speaker 6: So we're going to look all sorts of interesting.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: Love it perfect, good life.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Age.
• 15:01
  Speaker 6: Thank you so much, both of you. Love your show
• 15:04
  Speaker 6: so much.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: Good luck with the babies.
• 15:07
  Speaker 4: Thank you.
• 15:08
  Speaker 6: Have a great day, you too. I bye.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: My mom by the way, who was about to be
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: in town. Every time she comes, she's like, do you
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: have any tattoos? No, Mom, I still don't have any tattoos.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: That's like her greatest fear.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: For it is that's fun.
• 15:23
  Speaker 4: Nice.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Oh my nieces have tattoos. They do have tattoos. I
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: don't have any, but they do.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: Well, you can still be buried in Jewish cemetery then.
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah, right, well, yes, I hope they put me on fire, though,
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: set me on fire and tossed me into the ocean.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: I hope they tossed me into the mouth of an anaconda.
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: That sounds wonderful, actually, well. Our next caller is Christina
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea. I'm thirty three and my boyfriend is forty six.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: We both currently live in California. We dated for six months,
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: then he abruptly ended things. I was completely caught off
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: guard and heartbroken, of course. However, two weeks later, my
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: dad and my grandmother died on the same day coincidentally,
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: and my uncle died on my birthday a few months later, so,
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: needless to say, I wasn't that concerned with the breakup.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: Six months went by and we ended up reconnecting and
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: have since been together almost a year now. His father
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: died a few months ago, and he's dealt with mental
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: health issues on and off and is currently on antidepressants.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: We truly love each other and spending time together. However,
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: I'm at a place where I want to know what
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: he wants for the future. Anytime I bring that up,
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: he gets uncomfortable and frustrated, and he says he has
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: to figure himself out first. My question is am I
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: wasting my time with him? Should I stick it out
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: and wait for him to figure out what he wants marriage,
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: family or bachelor life, etc. And also is he too
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: old for me? Thanks? Christina?
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: Hi Christina, Hello, Hi telse me, I would say that
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: it sounds.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: Like you should probably move on. Oh man, Yeah. I
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: don't think that.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: Neither of these things are issues singular, but I think
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: collectively they become some issue. Like I don't care about
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: the age difference, but somebody at that age who's still
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: not ready to figure out what his life goals are,
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: it doesn't make sense. That's too old, Like you should
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: at least have your feet underneath you enough to say
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: yay or nay, because that can just be him stringing
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: you along until you give him an ultimatum. You know,
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: maybe that's what it is either way, or if it's
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: genuinely he doesn't know either way not hot, those aren't
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: hot qualities and they're not promising and they're not good
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: for you.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: And then on the.
• 17:29
  Speaker 3: Other side of it, like the breakup that you had
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: and then you getting over it. Obviously you had other
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: things to go, but like that's proof that you got
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: past him once.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: Like I have no.
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: Problem imagining you getting over him again. Yeah, so that's
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: a positive thing to think about. You don't need three
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: people to die for that to happen either, Like you
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: can get over him, you know it's possible. And I
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: just don't think, especially when you've broken up with someone
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: and you got back together, that there's any room if
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: one of if you wants to be in this for
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: the long haul. There's no room for Like I don't know,
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: you were just in a relationship, you broke up because
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: it didn't work out, and now you're back together. You're
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: not going through that cycle of things again. Either you're
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: back together to stay together, or you're back together and
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: it's whoopsie doodle, it's time to break up again.
• 18:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah. I agree.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: The year mark feels like I mean, first of all,
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: as Chelsea said, his age, like it does sort of
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: feel like I have forty six. You should kind of
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: know what you want from life enough.
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: To know if you want to be with someone that
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: you that you've been intimate and in a long term relationship.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: With absolutely and make a future together.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: What's the wishy washy that's so unattractive?
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not like you guys have been together three
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: months and he's not sure if he wants like marriage
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: and kids with you. You've been together on and off
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: for a year and a half.
• 18:47
  Speaker 7: Yeah, And I joke because the only reason that we
• 18:49
  Speaker 7: really got back together this last time, I blame it
• 18:53
  Speaker 7: on my dog because my dog had an emergency one
• 18:57
  Speaker 7: night and he was like the first person that I called,
• 18:59
  Speaker 7: and so he was there right away. But if it
• 19:02
  Speaker 7: really weren't for that, it's kind of like I've put
• 19:04
  Speaker 7: in the effort.
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: And you initiated the get back together then, like that
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: was you. So that's another reason that you should probably
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: move on. This doesn't sound like a him and you
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: relationship of fifty to fifty. It sounds like you making
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: the moves and him like okay or maybe not.
• 19:23
  Speaker 7: I hate to say it, but I'm thirty three and
• 19:25
  Speaker 7: so I kind of want some answers, and you know,
• 19:27
  Speaker 7: it would just make me feel better to know what's
• 19:29
  Speaker 7: going to happen in a way, even though that might
• 19:32
  Speaker 7: not even work out.
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: So yeah, I mean, you could present it in a
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: very direct, upfront way that's like doesn't give a lot
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: of room for figuring it out. Like, hey, buddy, I'm
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: kind of getting the sense that you're not down for
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: what I'm down for. That's totally fine. There's no requirement
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: for you to be with me or for me to
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: be with you. But if you're not ready for that
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: and you can't commit to like a future together, then
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: I'm more interested in finding somebody who will.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: And you know, no hard feelings.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: At all, Chelsea, You've given this type of advice before,
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: but that conversation like may include a breakup, maybe not
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: right at that moment in that conversation, but shortly thereafter.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: And you know, sometimes when you do cap that with
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: a breakup of like, okay, then I do need to
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: move on. Like two weeks later, they're right back, like
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: knock on your door, Like, no, I figured it out.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: I do want marriage and family and a kid's yeah.
• 20:19
  Speaker 7: That is true, And I kind of have given him
• 20:21
  Speaker 7: a little bit more grease because, like I put in
• 20:24
  Speaker 7: the letter, you know, his dad passed away and so
• 20:27
  Speaker 7: he's been my depressant and that can have obviously a
• 20:30
  Speaker 7: big effect on lot.
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: What everyone's dad passes away. It's not an excuse. It's
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: something to be sensitive about, but it's not the end
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: of the world. Everybody is dealing with that at some
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: point in their lives.
• 20:41
  Speaker 7: Yeah, that's true.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: How important I mean, obviously you wouldn't be writing in
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: if it wasn't. But what's your trajectory as far as
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: I feel like I want to be getting married and
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: having kids, like sooner rather than later? Is it deal
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: breaker level for you? Where are you at on that?
• 20:56
  Speaker 7: You know, I'm not in a super rushed I want
• 20:59
  Speaker 7: it to be their right situation. Otherwise I don't want
• 21:01
  Speaker 7: to do it at all. But I want to be
• 21:04
  Speaker 7: with someone that at least kind of wants the same
• 21:07
  Speaker 7: things and the future. So he doesn't really think that
• 21:12
  Speaker 7: he knows, and so I'm just like, how long is
• 21:15
  Speaker 7: it going to take for him to figure that out?
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 21:18
  Speaker 7: And then I'm getting older and so I just, you know,
• 21:21
  Speaker 7: would like to have some sort of certainty in a way.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: I think, Yeah, you sound very confident when you're talking
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: to us about this, and I would encourage you to
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: take that into your conversation with him, like leave the
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: koy stuff behind, Like Chelsea said, be super direct and
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: be like, here's where I'm at. This is what I'm
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: looking for in my five year plan whatever you know,
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: quote unquote, but this is what I'm looking for in
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: the near future. Is that something you want as well?
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: And I know is okay?
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 21:47
  Speaker 7: And the reason I brought up the age things because
• 21:49
  Speaker 7: sometimes when I do come at him direct, it's almost
• 21:53
  Speaker 7: like he can kind of talk back to me in
• 21:56
  Speaker 7: a way where he acts like he is older than
• 21:59
  Speaker 7: me and those more what he does. But I'm feeling
• 22:02
  Speaker 7: like that's becoming more of an issue.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: Well, and you're not twenty three, yeah, you're thirty three.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: And another thing to remember is, you know, when you
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: are breaking up with someone, like to not think about
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: what you're losing, but to think about the adventures that
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: you're about to embark on.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Like there's so much coming up for you.
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: When you say goodbye to a situation, it doesn't matter
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: if it's the right decision or the wrong decision. You're
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: like up for new stuff all the time happening. You
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: need to focus on that when you're breaking up instead
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: of women who focus on I'm gonna be alone, I'm
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: gonna be alone, I'm gonna be loon.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna miss them, I'm gonn miss him.
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: You're gonna be with yourself and you're gonna have a
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: good time, and you're gonna go out with your friends
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: and family and whatever makes you happy. And if you
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: want to stay in bed for three days, you're also
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: gonna be able to do that. But it's not the
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: end of the world for any of us. As we're learning,
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: relationships are an opportunity to do it the right way.
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: When you're leaving someone, do it with style and grace
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: and no anger and be like, all right, party on,
• 22:58
  Speaker 3: you know. And if you guys end up back together, great,
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: and if you don't even better.
• 23:02
  Speaker 7: Yeah, that is true. And it's sometimes hard to make
• 23:04
  Speaker 7: that decision. I mean, like I was thinking about it,
• 23:07
  Speaker 7: is it harder to break up with someone or to
• 23:09
  Speaker 7: be broken up with?
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: Ah?
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: The age old question. I don't know.
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: I think I prefer to be broken up with, yes
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: for that, but I need until I don't until I'm
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: broken up with and then I won't like it at all.
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: When are you gonna have this conversation with him? You think, Well,
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: I did tell.
• 23:29
  Speaker 7: Him that I was going to be talking to you guys,
• 23:32
  Speaker 7: and so he was joking and he said, well great,
• 23:35
  Speaker 7: He's like none, I'm gonna have to say she talked
• 23:37
  Speaker 7: to Chelsea Handler, and now she broke up with me
• 23:39
  Speaker 7: because Chelsea talk.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that is already a thing. I think that's out there.
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: Man. I can't go anywhere alone with men. I need
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: security at all times. Men hate me so much.
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: Well tell him we actually said, or get off the pot.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: Just say Chelsea said.
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: This doesn't have to be an angry or a combative conversation.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: She just thinks we should both be as completely.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: Honest as possible.
• 24:01
  Speaker 3: And if his honesty is that he really doesn't know,
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: then you have to find somebody who does know.
• 24:06
  Speaker 7: Yeah, And I mean the tough part about it is
• 24:09
  Speaker 7: that's like it's logic versus emotion in a way, so
• 24:12
  Speaker 7: it's hard to differentiate the two of those. You know, logically,
• 24:16
  Speaker 7: this makes sense, but then emotionally it's like we do
• 24:18
  Speaker 7: love each other. So to make that decision is tough
• 24:21
  Speaker 7: because he hasn't really done anything wrong necessarily that I
• 24:24
  Speaker 7: know of.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: But yeah, well give us an update as soon as
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: you have a conversation with him. And then also like
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: when you kind of figure out what's next for you,
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: or if he decides to man up and wants the
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: same future as you do.
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: And emotions like you're talking about practicality or practical things,
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: And emotions like emotions aren't thought, they are feelings, you know.
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: It's what you do with that feeling that becomes the
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: thought of your emotion. So while you could be missing
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: somebody and grieving them, you can still be excited about
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: the possibilities beyond that relationship.
• 24:56
  Speaker 7: Yeah, that is true. Well, yes, I'll keep you guys posted.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: And thank you so much.
• 25:01
  Speaker 7: My mom got tickets to your show in October and
• 25:04
  Speaker 7: DC so fun.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: Okay, cool, I'll see her then. Thanks so much.
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: Christina, thank you guys so much.
• 25:11
  Speaker 4: Ye.
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: I guess she's adorable. She's so sweet. Well, Chelsea, we
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: have our calling in backup segment today and I want
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: to say thanks to our partners at Betterhelp Response.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: Right, Yes, thank you Better Help.
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: And today we're joined by Courtney Cope. They're a licensed
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: Better Help. Hi Courtney, Hello there, Well, our first question
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: comes from and dear Chelsea. Within the past six months,
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: I've had a resurgence of self care and a new
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: outlook on health and fitness. I've been exercising and eating healthy,
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: and for the first time ever, I'm seeing health and
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: fitness as an act of self love and nourishment rather
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: than trying to change my body or punish myself. My
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: best friend is at a really low point in her life.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: She previously struggled with sorted eating and exercising and all
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: around is just not in a place in her life
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: where she's ready to get back into it, which I
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: fully respect. Here's the thing. We have a previous history
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: of using each other as excuses to go out and
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: get hammered and not take care of ourselves, and I'm
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: outgrowing that need. My struggle is that I'm very determined
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: and enthusiastic about my newfound love for changing my lifestyle,
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: and whenever I mention wanting to make it to a
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: workout class or not drink so much when we go out,
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: she acts like it's a joke or doesn't take it seriously.
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: I've tried to get her to join my workout classes
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: with me, but she's not at a place where she
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: can afford a gym membership either. Whenever she suggests going
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: somewhere to eat, I want to bring up that, yes,
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: I'd love to, but I'm trying to eat healthier and
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: would rather just eat the food I have at home.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: But I worry about triggering her ed or making her
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: feel bad about herself when it's really not about her
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: at all. How can I make it clear that this
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: isn't just a phase, this is just something I'm really
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: trying to accomplish and I'm loving. How can I get
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: her to take me seriously and see that this is
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: self love without triggering her and making her feel bad
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: for where she's at in life? Is it possible? Am
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: I in the wrong? Thanks so much for all you do.
• 27:06
  Speaker 5: And this is such a layered question. And the thing
• 27:09
  Speaker 5: that came to mind was the concept of seasonality in
• 27:13
  Speaker 5: friendships and how sometimes there are seasons where we're in
• 27:16
  Speaker 5: step and we're doing all the same things. We're going
• 27:18
  Speaker 5: to the same place, as we're listening to the same music,
• 27:20
  Speaker 5: we have the same hobbies. And then there are seasons
• 27:23
  Speaker 5: where we begin to kind of diversify our interests, or
• 27:27
  Speaker 5: it changes, our circumstance changes, maybe we move away, maybe
• 27:30
  Speaker 5: we get a different job, all these kinds of things.
• 27:32
  Speaker 5: So what I'm hearing is that she's entering into a
• 27:36
  Speaker 5: slightly different season potentially than her friend. And I just
• 27:40
  Speaker 5: want to first of all, reassure the listener above all,
• 27:43
  Speaker 5: this type of experience is totally common and super normal
• 27:47
  Speaker 5: for friendships.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I also think there's a way to sort
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: of get the train on your tracks. So, you know,
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: if you don't want to go out and you do
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: want to eat the food you have at home, invite
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: her over, you know, invite her over for whatever healthy
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: things you want to make and whatever healthy drink you
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: want to drink if you're drinking. But there's also ways
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: to find a restaurant that has really healthy options.
• 28:07
  Speaker 3: And also just try not to shove it down her
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: throat so much like you're making it seems like you're
• 28:12
  Speaker 3: making a lot of proclamations about what you're doing. Is
• 28:15
  Speaker 3: sometimes it's more impactful to make the changes without advertising them.
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: I think that's a very good point.
• 28:21
  Speaker 5: Right, like, let your actions speak for yourself, because I
• 28:24
  Speaker 5: did hear you know, the question was what do I
• 28:27
  Speaker 5: do so that she doesn't, you know, feel bad or
• 28:30
  Speaker 5: she might question and it's like, well, if you're just
• 28:32
  Speaker 5: doing it right, no, if sands orbut's about it it's
• 28:35
  Speaker 5: really hard for people to make comments about it or
• 28:38
  Speaker 5: you know, be upset that you're doing It's like, you're
• 28:40
  Speaker 5: just out there doing it.
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: Chelsea, what do you think about? You know? She mentions
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: that the friend acts like it's a joke or sort
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: of blows it off. That to me feels like a
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: little bit of an insecurity thing.
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: Well, it just feels like another reason to stop making proclamations.
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: She's not taking you seriously. You can't make someone take
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: you seriously by repeating what they're not taking you seriously about.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: So keep it to yourself. I know you want it
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: to be a long term thing.
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: It's like when you announce that you're quitting smoking and
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: then you don't quit. You know, it's like the dynamic
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: if you don't stick to this. Of course you want
• 29:11
  Speaker 3: to stick to this, you want to make lifestyle changes,
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: but give it a year and when those changes are permanent,
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: then you could start espousing your you know what happened
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: and everything. But it's easy to not take someone seriously
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: when they're into something new. So I wouldn't even put
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: that on her friend so much. I would just like,
• 29:24
  Speaker 3: unless it's mean or whatever, she's not in that situation.
• 29:27
  Speaker 3: So of course she doesn't want you drinking less and dieting.
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: That's not fun for her. So I wouldn't put too
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: much weight on it. I would just say do your thing,
• 29:36
  Speaker 3: and if she could come along with you for some
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: of that, great, And you know, if you take some
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: time apart during this time, that's also fun.
• 29:43
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 29:43
  Speaker 5: That's a total typical part of adult relationships. And even
• 29:47
  Speaker 5: just if you want to be compassionate towards your friend
• 29:49
  Speaker 5: and not even bring some of these things into the mix,
• 29:52
  Speaker 5: just plan things like events that are not food related,
• 29:55
  Speaker 5: so going to a museum, go to the movies, go
• 29:58
  Speaker 5: roller skating, or go on a but like bring your
• 30:01
  Speaker 5: own food and instead of like, oh, we'll go out
• 30:03
  Speaker 5: and we'll find a place, like focusing on things that
• 30:05
  Speaker 5: will allow you to have parallel play, enjoy the activity
• 30:09
  Speaker 5: you're doing without making it about going out, drinking alcohol,
• 30:13
  Speaker 5: indulging in whatever foods like that will allow you to
• 30:16
  Speaker 5: kindle that friendship and keep it intimate.
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: Because that's the other thing I hear is there is.
• 30:21
  Speaker 5: An aspect of worrying of losing this friendship or them
• 30:25
  Speaker 5: becoming more distant because they used to go out and
• 30:27
  Speaker 5: use each other. She says, we use each other for
• 30:29
  Speaker 5: excuses to like make unhealthy habits and go out drinking.
• 30:32
  Speaker 5: So if you just transition your friendship to we find
• 30:36
  Speaker 5: meaning doing these other things, now, that allows it to
• 30:39
  Speaker 5: be more of an easeful transition.
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I like that suggestion because it's not like, hey,
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: why don't we go for a hike. It's like let's
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: go to a museum, which is like still active, but
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: it's not like, hey, we're going to go for a run,
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: or we're going to go to a spin class or whatever.
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: I feel like usually the advice is to sort of
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: be really honest and open and confront the person, but
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: in this case that's not necessary and in fact, like
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: taking it a notch back.
• 31:03
  Speaker 5: I would say the only caveat to potentially having a
• 31:07
  Speaker 5: conversation with your friend is, you know, she does mention
• 31:10
  Speaker 5: triggering her friend's disordered eating, and so if that is
• 31:13
  Speaker 5: a true concern and she wants to make sure she
• 31:17
  Speaker 5: doesn't put her friend in an awkward position in the moment,
• 31:21
  Speaker 5: she could ahead of time just say something casual like hey,
• 31:25
  Speaker 5: you know, before they're together, text her give her a
• 31:27
  Speaker 5: calicy like hey, is now a time for me to
• 31:29
  Speaker 5: talk about something important. Great, So I just want to
• 31:33
  Speaker 5: let you know that I am making some changes in
• 31:36
  Speaker 5: my life, and I just want to make sure that
• 31:38
  Speaker 5: these changes because I know we've bonded in the past
• 31:41
  Speaker 5: over going out drinking and you know, maybe making some
• 31:44
  Speaker 5: choices that we were like, oh, that wasn't the healthiest
• 31:46
  Speaker 5: choice for us. I'm just going to be making different choices,
• 31:48
  Speaker 5: and I just want to give you a heads up
• 31:50
  Speaker 5: because I wouldn't want that to impact our friendship, and
• 31:53
  Speaker 5: I want to make sure we're finding fun things to
• 31:55
  Speaker 5: do moving forward. That would be my caveat if she
• 31:58
  Speaker 5: genuinely is concerned about figuring her friend, But otherwise, I
• 32:02
  Speaker 5: think it's totally fine to just live your life exactly
• 32:05
  Speaker 5: what Chelsea was saying, like, live your life, go out,
• 32:08
  Speaker 5: be about it, don't talk about it, and then if
• 32:12
  Speaker 5: conflict arises down the road or her friend's like, how
• 32:14
  Speaker 5: come you're not going out with me anymore? Or how
• 32:16
  Speaker 5: come you know you keep turning me down, then you
• 32:19
  Speaker 5: can have a conversation about it, because then that's really
• 32:21
  Speaker 5: about the connection of the friendship versus the actual food
• 32:25
  Speaker 5: or drinks that they're consuming.
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, and thank you for writing in and
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: of course thank you to our calling him back up
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: sponsor Better Help, and to Courtney Cope, who is a
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: at Betterhelp.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: Thank you, Thanks Cortney. Bye bye bye.
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: Let's take a quick break and we'll be back with
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: some matchmaking.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: Can you please not saying matchmaking? Can you please not?
• 32:54
  Speaker 3: We'll be right back. We're back with matchmaking. That's how
• 33:02
  Speaker 3: we're saying it, matchmaking. Every time you saying matchmaking, two
• 33:06
  Speaker 3: three hard boiled eggs fly out of your mouth.
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: Well, Chelsea, we're here with our first matchmaking folks candidate.
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: So he wants to be hooked up this guy?
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: Yes, okay, And you know, we had talked about doing
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: an episode about this, but I thought we could potentially
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: make this a recurring segment so we can match make
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: more people. I mean, I'm over here just like dreaming
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: of all the love that's going to happen, and like
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: hoping for dear Chelsea babies and all of these things.
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: So I'm way down in the future. I'm picking out
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: curtains for everybody.
• 33:41
  Speaker 8: Also, that might be tough with all the game and
• 33:42
  Speaker 8: you're going to connect they can adapt.
• 33:46
  Speaker 3: By the way, in speaking of matchmaking, there's a bunch
• 33:48
  Speaker 3: of child Free and Crushing Its shirts available on our website.
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: In addition to Dear Chelsea Merch, we designed a child
• 33:54
  Speaker 3: Free and Crushing Its shirt which has been our biggest
• 33:56
  Speaker 3: tour seller.
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: So I'm sure some of the callers would like that.
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: That's amazing. I love that, Chelseahandler dot com. Well, our
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: first person to match is Patrick, and I thought how
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: we'd go about this is we are going to at
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: the end of this give people his Instagram so people
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: can slide right into his DMS. If Patrick sounds like
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: someone you might be interested in. Patrick. By the way,
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: when I first chatted with him, he was at his
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: ex's house walking his ex'es jog and he said, I
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: know you just had an episode saying don't do that anymore?
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: Is it?
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: It depends on the situation, but it seems like it
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: was a positive, so he says. I recently wrote in
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: an email to say every time I felt like I
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: needed to write in, I've listened to your podcast and
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: found my answer to highly specific situations from wanting to
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: fire an assistant to ending a friendship over chewing should
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: I buy a car, or if I should buy land
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: or make a career move. Your podcast has steered me
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: in the best direction. Nowadays. Everything in my life is
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: going pretty fucking swimmingly. I'm a successful visual artist, not
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: the starving kind, an uncle, a great friend, fucking funny,
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: and I'm a sweet ass dog dad. But the right
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: guy just hasn't come along. I've got my shit together
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: therapy wise, and I'm definitely of the same mindset as
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: you when you say when you're healthy, you'll attract healthy.
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: I'm on the apps, I've gone on dates, and it's
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: been a healthy amount of time since I've had a relationship.
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: But I think the universe was waiting for our paths
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: to align so that Chelsea can just say, oh fuck,
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: let's set this bitch up with someone. Perfect problem solved. PS.
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: I'm thirty four, gay, af and first nation which is
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: Native American to you, XO Patrick, and Patrick is going
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: to be joining us. Hi.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: How are you? Hi?
• 35:42
  Speaker 4: I'm so good. I'm just going to put this on
• 35:44
  Speaker 4: to not disturb.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: Good luck getting it off of that. So what kind
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: of guy are you looking for? Patrick?
• 35:50
  Speaker 3: What interests you are you open? Do you have a
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: very specific expectations.
• 35:55
  Speaker 8: Tell us I'm quite broad and tall, so I think
• 35:58
  Speaker 8: someone like a little bit more broad and tall like myself.
• 36:01
  Speaker 8: I am half Native American and I can't grow a beard,
• 36:05
  Speaker 8: so someone that has a beard, you know, chest hair
• 36:09
  Speaker 8: two would be sick.
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: Are you a top or a bottom? Does that matter?
• 36:15
  Speaker 4: I'm like a little bit both.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: Oh, yourse your worse. Yeah, I wanted to use that
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: in a sentence for a while. You're welcome, Thank you Patrick.
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: I know I've told Chelsea that you were walking your
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: excess dog when we met.
• 36:27
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 36:28
  Speaker 3: What's your relationship history? How many relationships have you had
• 36:31
  Speaker 3: and how for how long?
• 36:32
  Speaker 8: Well, I'm thirty four, i am going to be thirty
• 36:36
  Speaker 8: five this year, and I've had maybe like five relationships
• 36:39
  Speaker 8: since I was like twenty, you know, one for like
• 36:43
  Speaker 8: a couple of years, one for a year, one for
• 36:45
  Speaker 8: like six months.
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: And then like one night stands and fine in between.
• 36:50
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah for sure.
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: And have you ever had a really really bad breakup?
• 36:55
  Speaker 4: Yeah? It was. Yeah.
• 36:57
  Speaker 8: I think like the first ones when you're really young,
• 36:59
  Speaker 8: you kind of I don't really know how to react,
• 37:01
  Speaker 8: and especially being a gay person that came out at twenty,
• 37:05
  Speaker 8: like straight people always have years ahead of us in
• 37:08
  Speaker 8: terms of like being able to date people for like
• 37:11
  Speaker 8: since they were you know, kind of kids.
• 37:13
  Speaker 4: So I just didn't have the right kind of foundation
• 37:17
  Speaker 4: to deal with it. But that was like twelve years ago.
• 37:19
  Speaker 4: I'm good.
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: Now, Yeah that's good.
• 37:21
  Speaker 3: And have you been to therapy? Are you do you
• 37:23
  Speaker 3: go to therapy? Are you into any of that?
• 37:25
  Speaker 4: Yeah? Totally.
• 37:26
  Speaker 8: The last one, I was like, okay, so I have
• 37:29
  Speaker 8: a pattern of just breaking up with dudes and just
• 37:31
  Speaker 8: kind of ghosting or it's kind of like a mutual ghosting.
• 37:34
  Speaker 8: And I was like, you know what, these are all
• 37:35
  Speaker 8: great people like I kind of I don't want to
• 37:38
  Speaker 8: kind of continue this pattern. So I went to therapy
• 37:40
  Speaker 8: and my ex and I are friends, like in a
• 37:43
  Speaker 8: positive way, I would say, So that's why I was
• 37:45
  Speaker 8: babysitting with dogs, and my dog and his dog are dating,
• 37:50
  Speaker 8: so like, you know, we have to stay in touch.
• 37:52
  Speaker 3: And are you do you would you say you have
• 37:54
  Speaker 3: a strong personality, like mild personality?
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: How would you describe yourself?
• 37:59
  Speaker 8: I would say I have been told him quite even Keel,
• 38:02
  Speaker 8: I used.
• 38:03
  Speaker 4: To go out a lot.
• 38:03
  Speaker 8: I kind of like, I live in Toronto, Canada, but
• 38:06
  Speaker 8: I'm building a house up north, like seven hours away,
• 38:09
  Speaker 8: kind of on the lake. So I do like coming
• 38:11
  Speaker 8: back to the city for you know, some excitement, but
• 38:13
  Speaker 8: then it's fucking nice to leave too.
• 38:15
  Speaker 3: Okay, so let's say three words to describe yourself. What
• 38:18
  Speaker 3: would you say?
• 38:19
  Speaker 8: Okay, fun, adventurous and solid, amazing, and because this is
• 38:25
  Speaker 8: an audio medium, just to describe him.
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: He's got a full head of hair, nice dark hair,
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: he's beefy, he's sexy. He's got a cute tank on
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: that I think he designed, right Patrick, I.
• 38:35
  Speaker 4: Did for a Pride a couple of years ago. Yeah. That.
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I would have sex with you if you were straight.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: So there you go. I think it is human of
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: sex with you. Of the endorsement we're looking for, and
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: he has a great laugh.
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: But we should also say your location and also you
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: have a vacation home that sounds like which is great.
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: Which is a great way to get people in. That's
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: a great lure.
• 39:00
  Speaker 4: I'm building. It's it's coming along. Yeah.
• 39:04
  Speaker 8: I'm an artist and graphic designer and I have had
• 39:07
  Speaker 8: my own business the last eight nine years and it's
• 39:09
  Speaker 8: kind of mind blowing to myself even that I'm like
• 39:12
  Speaker 8: able to build a house but that's so cool.
• 39:15
  Speaker 4: Here we go.
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you are Toronto ish.
• 39:20
  Speaker 8: Yeah, Toronto is It's where my clothes are. But I'm,
• 39:23
  Speaker 8: like I said, I'm kind of up north a lot
• 39:25
  Speaker 8: just to get out of the city, especially in the summer.
• 39:27
  Speaker 4: It's fucking hot ast shit here. I didn't have time
• 39:30
  Speaker 4: to go get my.
• 39:30
  Speaker 8: Ac before I got back here, so I'm like a
• 39:32
  Speaker 8: little bit damp at the moment.
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: But thank you for not saying it's moist. I truly
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: appreciate it. But now I've said it so gross.
• 39:42
  Speaker 4: Word.
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: Well, I have three little dating game questions.
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, okay, look, okay.
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: Just maybe we add some little game show music under
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: this baby if we want to get wild. Okay, So
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: our first question is our weekend plans have just gotten
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: rained out. What are we doing instead?
• 40:04
  Speaker 4: We are watching movies and cookies?
• 40:08
  Speaker 3: Fucking fucking I'm sorry I had to answer that because
• 40:11
  Speaker 3: that's my answer.
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: We're fucking pasta first.
• 40:14
  Speaker 4: And then and then the fucking Yeah, we need some energy.
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: That's fun fucking in the rain.
• 40:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah, pasta from scratch, it's so much better.
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: Yes, all right, if you found a fifty dollars bill
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: on the ground in a busy area. Would you keep
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: it or try to find the owner.
• 40:28
  Speaker 4: I wouldn't try hard to find the owner, but if.
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: You're that's exactly what I would say.
• 40:35
  Speaker 3: I'd look around and then I'd be like, yeah, exactly,
• 40:38
  Speaker 3: give it to someone else or not think about it often.
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: Yes, well he's honest, fellas.
• 40:43
  Speaker 4: That's what you get from is it American? An American
• 40:45
  Speaker 4: fifty or Canadians?
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: A water main broke and you got to leave work
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: three hours early, which sort of doesn't apply since you
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: work for yourself. But imagine what do you do with
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: your newly free time.
• 40:57
  Speaker 4: We're taking the dog's dog only have one.
• 41:00
  Speaker 8: We're taking the dog to the lake and hopefully there's
• 41:02
  Speaker 8: a beach involved, and we're going to bring snacks and
• 41:04
  Speaker 8: some Baga.
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: Sodas and yeah, don't forget your edibles.
• 41:08
  Speaker 4: I will bring some just in case someone needs them.
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: I should be an adult camp counselor as well. I should.
• 41:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it has to be legal adult activity, so it
• 41:18
  Speaker 3: has to be with adults, maybe remedial adults, is.
• 41:21
  Speaker 4: What I were side hustle. I can see it.
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I like it awesome. Well Patrick, if you want
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: to just read out your Instagram handle it.
• 41:29
  Speaker 8: Sure, Patrick, Hunter Underscore Art is the insta where you
• 41:32
  Speaker 8: can find me and keep pictures of my dog and
• 41:36
  Speaker 8: all the artwork mostly pictures of my dog, but there
• 41:39
  Speaker 8: is some artwork on there.
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: Great and I will put that in the show notes
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: as well, so fellows can just click and check you
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: out and slide into the dams.
• 41:47
  Speaker 4: All right, I can't wait.
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: Okay, I can't wait either.
• 41:52
  Speaker 4: All Right, I'll let you know how it goes.
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: Okay by Patrick, Thank you, Patrick, over, and now we're
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: going to take a quick break. I will be right back.
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: Well, we had some new and interesting things today, Chelsea,
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: remind me what they were. We had some matchmaking. Yes,
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: we had a couple of cotchmaking.
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: This is where things are gonna really hit the fan.
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: I think things in a good way.
• 42:17
  Speaker 3: I think there is going to be a lot of
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: matchmaking happening on this podcast, and now we're using and
• 42:22
  Speaker 3: especially to the people that we want to be happy exactly.
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: We have so many amazing people writing in and I'm
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: really excited to feature some more matchmakings.
• 42:31
  Speaker 3: You know, there's a great match would be a straight
• 42:34
  Speaker 3: woman comes on here and a straight man and they
• 42:37
  Speaker 3: end up being soul Bates. He's listening to Jaior Chelsea
• 42:41
  Speaker 3: and he comes and meets this woman talk about a
• 42:43
  Speaker 3: self actual life that would be like the most together
• 42:47
  Speaker 3: guy that I know.
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: That is true.
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: He's the most with it.
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: And honestly, if he's single and he's listening to this podcast,
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: he has the pick of the litter because there's so
• 42:56
  Speaker 2: many straight women who listened to this podcast. Thanks so much,
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: this has been so much fun.
• 43:00
  Speaker 3: Okay, we'll see you guys next week. My Okay, guys,
• 43:03
  Speaker 3: we have added more shows to my Little Big Bitch tour.
• 43:07
  Speaker 3: I added another second show in Toronto, so I have
• 43:09
  Speaker 3: two shows in Toronto now the December seventh, December eighth,
• 43:12
  Speaker 3: December ninth, I'm in Ottawa, and two new shows at
• 43:16
  Speaker 3: December fifteenth, on a Friday, We're doing a seven thirty
• 43:19
  Speaker 3: and ten pm show with Kevin Hart and Friends that's
• 43:22
  Speaker 3: in Thackerville, Oklahoma. And all my other shows you can
• 43:27
  Speaker 3: buy tickets for at Chelseahandler dot com. I'm starting my
• 43:29
  Speaker 3: tour backup on September twenty ninth in New York City
• 43:34
  Speaker 3: at The Beacon, which is sold out, but the next
• 43:36
  Speaker 3: night there are tickets available. September thirtieth at the Beacon,
• 43:39
  Speaker 3: So for all fall dates, you can go to Chelsea
• 43:41
  Speaker 3: handler dot com.
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: For tickets, you'll see me.
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: Courtney Cope's input is general psychological information based on research
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Courtney's
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: feedback is in respect to a written question, and therefore
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also,
• 44:06
  Speaker 2: just because you might hear something on the show that
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis.
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: to find a qualified professional to assess and explore diagnoses
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: if that's important to you. If you or your partner
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: are in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: reach out for support like crisis hotlines and local authorities
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: have a safety plan that can be done with a
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: therapist too. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law,
• 44:44
  Speaker 2: and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: dot com