Latest / The Infertile Diaries / Dear Diary: The Stories Behind the Infertile Diaries Part 1

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Dear Diary: The Stories Behind the Infertile Diaries Part 1 · The Infertile Diaries

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey friends! Well, are you ready to go on this journey with us?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I still can't believe that we're here.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Lindsay and I recorded this live QA for infertility awareness month as what was supposed to be a one-off collaboration.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what do infertility, meltdowns, and waiting rooms, a literal lightning strike, and two women who refuse to give up on motherhood have in common?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: You guessed it.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your girls, Whitney and Lindsay.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Join us as we pull back the curtain on our own infertility journeys.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: The heartbreak, the hope, the unexpected twist, and the faith that ultimately carried us through.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Before there was a podcast, there were just two lonely girls wondering if they were ever going to become moms.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: So now we're sharing our stories to help you feel a little less alone in yours.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: We discussed all this and more.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Infertile Diaries.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't just a podcast.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: This is your place.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: And these are your stories.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: A place of heartbreak to hope.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Infertile Diaries Podcast.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Introduce ourselves.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I am Whitney Henneman, and this is Lindsay.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I tried to say her last name earlier and I totally boltered it, so I'm not gonna try now.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: You're not the only one.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Lindsay Tomashewski.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I am the founder of Everyone Deserves a Family, a nonprofit, that is designed to grant out money to couples experiencing infertility.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm also a huge advocate of infertility in general, trying to help the next in line.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm Whitney Hennemann.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: I think I know most of you.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I have three kiddos and struggled with infertility for about four years until we had our daughter Sayla through IVF.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: But I wrote a book called The Bear and Cry.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Some of the girls on here, um, Amber has been so kind and gracious to hand some of those out, but just felt so compelled in my journey to really kind of like share that as a guide for other girls that are kind of like walking similar paths, just because I felt so alone in my journey.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like there was nobody that I felt that I could talk to.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And there's so many deep and complex things that you feel like you need to flesh out with someone, and it's so hard because obviously our husbands aren't all the time the best kind of backboard and understanding some of the nuances emotions we experience.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly, or the emotions.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyway, so I wrote the book uh in 2020, so that's been out for about five years, and then I started an infertility group back in 2015 when I was at Mosaic Church and have met with hundreds of girls over the years and just feel so honored to be able to step into different women's stories and encourage them, and that's really powerful and impactful to feel like what you went through is so sucky, but you know what?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: On the other side of it, I can see good things, kind of the beauty from ashes.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, that's our kind of intros.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Lindsay and I know each other like a little bit.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: We were on the same baseball team for a season.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Gavin and Stone were together.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, Gavin is Lindsay's adopted child, and I'll kind of let her share more about her story.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: But then we were at school at an event, and I have to just add, as we're in the baseball games, then we found out our younger children are very much alike.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: We have bird and beckum that are like the same exact personality and just the cutest things ever.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: And we and during that season, we didn't even really know that we were both involved.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we kind of like in the infertility advocacy.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, totally.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's something that both of us are really excited about is talking about our struggles.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always like, hi, my name is Whitney.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is Sayla, she's my IVF baby.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sayla actually asked me the other day, she was like, So, mom, I know I'm an IVF baby.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Does that mean I'm gonna have to do IVF to have children?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh no, honey, no, but I feel like I'm very open with my story.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so is Lindsay.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so we were at field day the other day watching a bunch of you know, first graders run around and throw things.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, so she started, Lindsay started like sharing about her ministry, and I was just so impacted by her heart and her love for women that are kind of going through similar struggles.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: A hundred percent of the funds that they receive go immediately to women struggling with infertility, and she gives out grants.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, after we met each other and we kind of connected on the infertility front, we were like, let's do something together, like let's collaborate.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: For fertility awareness month.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: And we did it off the cuff.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: We're just we met, we're like, let's do something, let's just get on, let's have a really candid conversation, open it up because I feel like it's so often not talked about, or you had to attend an event, which is it's hard to do in a busy life.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: So that's really why we're here today is to support you guys.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: And just like Whitney said, you know, you go through when you go through infertility, you go through the depths of it and it it's marked on your you forever.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I think you almost have a responsibility once you get through the other side of it to help the next in line.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like that's kind of where both of our hearts are.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I love, I love how you do more one-on-one because that's just huge.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you're impacting one person at a time emotionally because we all know how difficult that can be.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and I feel like, you know, even like Amber and Alyssa, you guys are together right now.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like once you meet someone that like understands your journey, like Lindsay and I, when we kind of like talked about that, it's kind of like, are we best friends?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, kind of like stepbrothers.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we were supposed to go to Dixie Cream and they were closed.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Do you want to go to Tim's wine and just drink wine and talk about all the fun things we can do?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And like so much better.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: It was so much better.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: So, over like a block of cheese and a glass of Chardonnay, we were excited.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: We burned this idea, yes, of just kind of being open with our journeys and our struggles.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if you guys have questions, like we'd love to answer those.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it just gets nitty gritty, and it's hard to flesh that out if you don't have someone kind of like leading the way.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna hand it over to Lindsay.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna kind of share her story, her infertility journey.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's really special and different from mine.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, Lindsay, why don't you start?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: All right, well, thank you guys again for coming out.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: My infertility journey kind of covers it all.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, basically, I'll I'll set you up for um the ending, but we did all three, three areas you could.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we tried infertility and all the reproductive stuff that didn't work for us, although it did work for and for us to make viable embryos.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: We then adopted our our firstborn son and had a surrogate um who's actually on the call, who's amazing, um, for our second son, Becca.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: So uh a little bit about my story.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I knew kind of early on I could have trouble conceiving because I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was in my 20s.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: I had very irregular periods, I didn't know what was going on.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I went in the doctor, they did a quick ultrasound and they did kind of give me a heads up that I would um might possibly have issues getting pregnant, but it wouldn't be like a big thing.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: I might just need some medication for my ovulation.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: So when I met my husband, I had to disclaim that like, hey, by the way, hope you like me, but I might have trouble getting pregnant if we want to do that.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: So we started early on, we met a little bit later, anyways, and we went and got checked out.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: I was married 30 and he was 34, and then we got married uh when I was 32 and he was 36.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay so we were we didn't want to waste any time, let's put it that way.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: We knew we both we both had really close families.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't want to just try, although we went and got everything checked out, and they said no, you don't have PCOS, you guys are fine.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Everything checked out.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: So then um we tried for a little while, and when we weren't successful for just shy of a year, we went back to a reproductive doctor CRM, which I think is who you used as well.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um different doctor, but the same the same organization.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: And they wanted us to just try IUI.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: So we got the medication, a little boost, took the shot to ovulate, went in, did the insemination, waited the dreaded two weeks, and bam, we were pregnant.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: We were pregnant the first time and we were so excited.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: We uh we felt so grateful and lucky that um, you know, we heard of all these stories of infertility for years, and they uh had to go to IVF and that we were like, oh my gosh, thank gosh, we didn't have to.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we were so new to it, I just didn't know.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: I I got the positive pregnancy test, I got the blood test confirmed, we called all of our family and friends, we got the we got the balloons and the flowers, and everyone was so excited for us.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: And then I went back in 48 hours and for another blood test, and she the nurse called me in the afternoon and said, you know, I'm really sorry, but your ACG levels dropped, which is your the pregnancy blood test that they take, and you're no longer pregnant.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, What?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like just I it was like I was being pumped or something.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I was just pregnant, like 48 hours ago.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how could that even be possible?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: Well, long story short, that was the first, uh, that was the first time I've heard the word chemical pregnancy.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: And um, over the course of about a year and a half, two years, my husband and I went through seven more IUI treatments, which resulted in four more chemical pregnancies.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: So it was extreme highs, highs, and then extreme lows of lows.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: So it took us a while to like regain our strength, but the IVF doctor or the infertility doctor really wanted us to do IVF thinking it could be an embryo quality.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: So we geared up, we did that, and in January 2018, we had our transfer again, and like we were talking, we thought for sure this was it.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was getting pregnant, like it wasn't like I was not getting pregnant, I just couldn't keep it, it had to be an embryo quality.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: So we were like, this is it.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: So then fast forward again to the two-week wait period, and it was like my husband's 40th birthday week, and um they said the doctor called on a Friday, and all she said was, I'm sorry.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know, I just you know that kind of pain, like I just fell to the ground.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't even talk, like I couldn't talk back to her.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: My voice was gone.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: I was just completely 100% devastated.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: And um I texted my husband to come home.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: I was still on the ground when he came home, and he knew right away, obviously.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then he got on the ground with me and held me, and he looked at me right in my eyes, and he goes, This is crazy.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: We just want to be mom and dad.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: What we've been going through is just this is too much.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like we're we need to look into adopting.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so we still had two viable embryos frozen, and at that moment, we we completely pivoted.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: We had spent$30,000 plus on infertility treatments, and we were dedicated to go the adoption route.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: So we signed up with an adoption agency and paid a whole bunch of fees to get going with the marketing.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: Finally, in August 2018, we went live on the birth parents website, so they were able to sort through the catalog to choose you according to your profile and your marketing materials.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: We even had a video which I'll have to pull out one day.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, for Gavin, he's old enough.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: And it was like we were very excited, we went in cruise control thinking we're gonna be parents, let's just relax.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: The average wait time was two years for that, they said for a newborn baby.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Well, in two weeks from the day we went live, we got a phone call on a Friday afternoon, and it was a birth mother specialist, and they said, Hi, this is the birth mother specialist.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I knew automatically, just like the doctor, I knew if that lady called me, someone had chosen us because they prepared you for that.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: And this video was so cute.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I just literally collapsed this time, but like in shock, happy tears, freaking out, didn't even hear the adoption situation yet.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: Then she proceeds to tell me, You're the baby was born last night, and you need to just wire over$50,000, the FedEx papers, and you'll be on your way.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh my gosh, like she told me that earlier, and I was like, wait, how much money?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and it's crazy.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like, who has that?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right, exactly.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: And they tell you you had like, you know, average time is two years, so you could in your mind think, I have that much time to save up for a whole adoption because they do give you a little bit of a range.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: We were so lucky that to be able to financially do that.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: So we did everything we we could in a record time, got up there, got up to Atlanta at 1 a.m.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: And here's this beautiful little tiny, it was four pounds baby boy.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: Literally, his eyes were open, like he was waiting for us.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: And the second the nurse put him in my arms, it was like every last part of me, like all the journey I went on, all the heart rate just completely lifted, like it was gone.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, here was our baby, and it was like just the most special thing in this world.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: I can't even tell you.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: And he's still our angel baby to this day.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: He is my soulmate in life, like he is my soulmate, and so he looks like them.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: He's blonde, blue eyes, like he fits right in.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's wild, wild, he completely does, and he looks very much like his cousins and everything.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: He is just he's such a joy.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: So we got back to Florida, wasting no time.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, well, let's go.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: Let's I've got two embryos, we need a sibling.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: So we went back before I did another transfer.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: We did some intensive testing where I did a mock transfer.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: They took a biopsy of my utero lining, sent it off for testing, figured out exactly how much estrogen, progesterone, the timing perfectly for the for the transfer.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we had all the data and we went to go actually do the transfer, and my body freaked out, did everything opposite of what it was supposed to.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: And uh my husband and I walked into the doctor's office after they canceled our transfer.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: And the doctor literally, I was telling you, goes, I just don't know exactly.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, okay, whoa, like my confidence of anything went way down.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: And um, you're like, wait, no, you are supposed to have some answer for me.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, Well, we can try again.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I why would we try again?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I I'm not confident in my body, you have no idea what's going on.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I I just really feel like we need to use a surrogate.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: Well, in the state of Florida, you have to have a medical reason to use a surrogate.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: You can't just say, Oh, I want to use a surrogate.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe in California, in California you can, uh-huh, but not in Florida.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: In some cases, surrogacy is actually illegal.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: So just state by state, yes.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: So she she said, you know what, you're right, and she agreed with me.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: She diagnosed me with repeated implantation failure, um, which allowed me to be able to reach out to a surrogacy agency, which by the way, it was it was talking my husband into doing another journey that was a little expensive, but he listened.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm pretty, he's very happy.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: He listened to me now, and he was on board.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: So again, we were matched with, we went with a surrogacy agency, and that was supposed to be an average of like a year or two to be matched with a surrogate, and we were matched immediately with Ray, and it was so odd because you could have a surrogate anywhere in the United States, and we were matched with Ray and her wonderful, amazing family who lived in Palm Coast, which is only about an hour away, hour and a half away.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: So it was easy.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: I got to go to every single appointment with her, but the first embryo we actually transferred to her, it did not take.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: So that again, we were in a heartbreak, but we had our baby, and so it wasn't as um deep as before, I would say we had we had our child, and so whatever plus we really wanted a sibling.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: So the final embryo we had left, it was September 11th, 2020.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: We transferred that, and it took, and in May of 2021, we were all in the delivery room together, and I was able to actually deliver Beckham out of Ray or Sarrogate's like canal.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: It was so special, it was so amazing, incredible.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: And and you know, my story is is very different.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: I never got pregnant, I never carried, but I wouldn't change one single step of my journey.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the way she looks at Gavin, it's like melts my heart, and the way you talk about him too.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, because he's a very special soul, it's like it was completely a god thing.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: And unless you've adopted, I don't think you really understand how like it was chosen.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: He was chosen just for us.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, that that's my whole story and how I overcame infertility.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: But what really affected me was how much money it took out of the pocket and how fortunate that we were to be able to afford my family.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because if we didn't have that financial means, I would not have children because I never could carry.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's the reason everyone deserves a family was born.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and we have raised about$73,000 in the last three years.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: We've granted out um 100% of the proceeds to 13 families, five babies have been born through it, and hopefully, one more I'm waiting to hear.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: She got a positive pregnancy test.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: So hopefully it all goes.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: So we'll talk more about how you can apply for that grant later.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, it was that was my crazy, very involved story.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: But again, I wouldn't change it for the world.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think you just I wish I trusted God more during the process when I was going through it.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: But now looking back on it, I'm like, wow, like this plan was much better than I could ever make it.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I always said, if God, if I could have known in the waiting, like that I was gonna have a child, like I'd be like, okay, I I can wait, right?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can do it, I can last, I can last years, like as long as I know that at the end there's a child.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: But that's what's so hard, is like this tension, right?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Of like, I might not.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Am I going to trust God through it?
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like if my story and my life looks drastically different.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I would just encourage you that I feel like I've met with a lot of women, and very rarely does ever anyone come on the other side and not have a child.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like in some form or fashion.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it listen, it doesn't have to mean you carry.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you just have to follow your heart, and sometimes that can get great.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: And just be open, maybe to like obviously you were open to adoption, right?
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it brought you Gavin and immediately.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like all the things I were supposed to do, it felt like it just happened very quick.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like it was, it was like, okay, you listen, here you go.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, you've done some amazing things, and I have read her book, which I if you guys haven't, it's it's truly she has such a way of of journaling the spiritual parallel to the emotional parallel, and and your story is very different.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: It is, but I love how you stayed true and your endurance through everything else life threw at you during that time.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: So why don't you share with them some of your story?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you know, you can look back and be like, yes, I was so strong, but like, I mean, I suffered, you know?
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, that's gonna make me tear up.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: But like, I'm sure you too, right?
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm sure you girls are some of you are there, you're just in the thing.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Of it and it's hard.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: So let's see here.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: My story is a little bit different from Lindsay's, obviously, very similar themes.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: But my husband and I we met in college.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: We were young, and then we got married right after college.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: So we were both about 24.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And we had great families, great upbringings.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: Lane played baseball in college.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a three on the Enneagram, so I'm very much an achiever.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like feel self-worth by like what I do and accomplish.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, most of our lives, both Lane and I had been whatever we had set our minds to.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing was too hard.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: We could figure it out.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, we got married and then we got a house and we're like, great, I think the next step is kids.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's just the natural next step.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so I went to my OB for a pre-conception meeting.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: I was telling Lindsay this earlier.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it was actually the doctor that delivered Shepard, my last one.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so we kind of like, you know, went through all the things, make sure my periods are fine, whatever.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then as I was like walking out the door, I was like, all right, see you soon.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, I hope so.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, that like haunted me for a little bit.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what do you mean you hope so?
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, this is this is a sure thing.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm gonna get pregnant, no big deal.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: At least it's like, you know, just how the story goes in your mind.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not how it went.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, you're kind of with friends, everyone else starts getting pregnant, and then like I started kind of panicking a little bit.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like one of my best friends, her and I always said, Okay, whoever gets pregnant, we're gonna give each other a bottle of wine.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, haha, I can't drink anymore.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yay, like, I'm pregnant.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: And she and her husband, I think, had been trying not that long.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think she got pregnant maybe like month two.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: And we've been trying, I don't know, six months.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: We've been trying for a little while, maybe even longer, maybe like a year.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: And she like handed me a bottle of wine, and in my mind it was like, no, wait, what?
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: No, not yet.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I was trying like a while ago.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, it just kind of shook me a little bit, like, oh, it's kind of easy for everyone else.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I started kind of panicking a little bit.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so we were trying for about two years, and then on your own, on something, yeah, nothing to show for.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: Relax, do all the things they tell you to do.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Month one of us trying, we went on vacation, and I remember we went to St.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Lucia, and they were Lane was drinking rum punch on the boat, and I was like, Oh, I can't drink any rum punch because I'm just sure that I'm pregnant.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: That was like month one, you know, and like four years later we had a baby.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: But so, anyways, after about two years of like, oh, okay, we gotta maybe figure this out.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I went to a doctor and he was just kind of very cavalier.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, Ah, we're just gonna like, you know, put you on some drugs, you'll get pregnant, no big deal.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that big a deal.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, my mind, I was like, it's kind of a big deal.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, it feels like a big deal.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, um, and I don't feel like he heard me.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: So after I met with him, I was like, eh.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: So then I went and met with the doctor that helped, you know, me get pregnant with Sayla, and he listened to me.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it was the first doctor ever that really listened to me.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was telling Lindsay in college, my periods were so painful that I would like have to like get to somewhere safe, like the car or something, because I would pass out that the period my period pain was so bad.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: I went to the ER at least once in college.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: I remember passing out on campus, and like terrible.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you go to the ER, no male doctors asking you like about your period health and like you know, trying to speak to the pain.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know, you just maybe think that's normal.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so Dr.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: Loy pretty quickly, you know, within the first meeting, was like, you have endometriosis, you have a little, you know, fluid around your ovaries, and based off your story, and it was like lit, it felt really good to hear that because it was like finally, like something's wrong.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like something's wrong that we can fix.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're getting somewhere.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting somewhere.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: So he kind of set it up like, okay, we'll do surgery, and then most likely you're young, you're healthy, you'll get pregnant after that.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I did atriosis surgery.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: So it was like laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and DNC.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: So it just like cleared everything out.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of write about this in the book, but right about that time, my husband had been dealing with atrial fibrillation, which is where your heart kind of beats out of rhythm, and he was not asymptomatic.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: He was very symptomatic.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like he would, when he would, when it was in AFib, would be like down for the count, feel very crummy.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and this was like back before like wearables or anything.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: So in the middle of the night, he would go into AFib and we'd have to run to like the closest fire station, and they'd hook him up and like do an EKG, and the fire guys are like, You really should go to the hospital, and we're like, Yeah, we're fine, we'll go tomorrow.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: But then how old were you guys then?
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: This was like 28.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was gonna say.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_01: So it just didn't hit you yet, like everything with how it could be so crazy.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're so, yeah, you're just young and you're naive, and you're like, it is it's gonna be fine.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Lane went on a missions trip to Bolivia in high school, and he came back and then in the Miami airport got spinal meningitis.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so we think that's kind of where it weakened his heart.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so, anyways, right about the time that I did endometriosis surgery, Lane did an ablation for his A-fit, and like he saw like a promo for like the device that they were gonna use.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: So it was like their promo video, and it was like a bodybuilder, and it was like two days after his ablation, he was like back running on the treadmill, so we were like, Yeah, nope, no big deal, whatever, let's do it.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: And uh have a baby, yeah.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: And what we thought was gonna be weeks of recovery was like years of recovery.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: So he was in the surgery, it was supposed to be like two, three hours.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: He was in there for eight.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think because of like all of the anesthesia, and then afterwards he developed um this technical, but like PVCs, PACs, which are like ventricular beats before and after your heart, which can feel or mimic aphib, but they're not.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: So he was like depressed, you know, had anxiety about all this stuff.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so, as he's dealing with that, you know, I am dealing with surgery.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so Dr.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Loy was like, we weren't getting pregnant.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: We tried for a month or two, so then we kind of started the gauntlet of all the treatments.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: So we did three medicated rounds.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: I think with insurance, you have to do three medicated rounds, three IUIs, and then you can proceed to IVF.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: At least that's how they kind of set it up.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if that's like we have insurance, so we didn't know because we were independent with real estate, yeah.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I did three medicated rounds, and like in the middle of this, I lost my job, so lost insurance, so jumped on lanes, and then did two, I think two IUIs.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, every month you're like, yep, this is the month.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's gonna, this is the month it's gonna happen.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: You pee on a stick and it's negative, but you stick it in the drawer because you know what?
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: In about an hour, it could be pregnant.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna look at it and there's gonna be a line, you know?
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, I did that many times.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like you just start playing tricks in your mind.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, we got to it was either I think it was IUI number two.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I get in there and they're doing the scan, and the nurse was just kind of like, oh, I see a cyst.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you're gonna have to come back next month.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it was like, wait, what?
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I feel like emotionally I didn't realize I had hit my max, but I hit my max.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: And in the book, I talk about it like the nurse literally like flicked a grenade because I walked to the checkout counter lady.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, they're the ones just setting up your next appointment.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: So she's like, Okay, well, when's your next appointment?
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm never coming back.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not funny, but I know, I know that point.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like motioning like a nurse to like come over, like get this crazy lady, like move her out of the way.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, you're in front of like all the couples, like everyone's standing there watching you, and I'm just like bawling.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so, oh, that's not funny.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, sorry, but I mean we can laugh about it now, right?
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: We have to.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: So, I mean, I hit my max.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: I sobbed, I cried for days.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I can't do this anymore.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I went back to Dr.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: Loy and was like, listen, like, I can't keep doing the IUIs.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't think that the percentages are very high.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what's my percentage with IVF?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, probably like, you know, I think we were young and healthy.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was unexplained infertility, so we had like an 85% chance, I think, with um IVF.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was like, that's what I want to do.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I have to take a break.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was like towards the end of the year, and I was like, you know what?
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like January, like so like let's just set a couple months out, like let my body taunt like time to rest.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I need a break emotionally.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: So important to do.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: But then after I came off all the medications, because I was on three rounds of medicated and then two rounds of IUI, and I when my hormones are high, I feel great.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can run through a brick wall.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: But then when I got off all the medications, I plummeted so hard.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I was actually like on a business trip and like texted Lane, my husband, like the hotel room that I was in because I was sure that he was gonna find me dead.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, just like the night terrors, just that like hovering above your body.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like I had a panic attack that lasted like days.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: Terrible.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: It was awful.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_01: Anxiety would creep up on me when I was doing coming off the meds.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't really understand it was coming off the meds, really.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't put that together.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: I just thought it was, but that makes sense, and that's terrible.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, and like I so I go back home and I still was just so feeling so bad.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I went to the ER, you know, they like, uh give you Xanax, whatever, like you're fine, slap you on the butt on the way out.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I called my doctor.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, this isn't normal.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I came off all the medications and I'm having like severe panic attacks.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, we've never heard of that before.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I was thinking, really?
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how long have you been doing this?
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: You've never had like anyone experience that.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, I finally got an appointment with Dr.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: Loy.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: He put me on some hormones and it definitely like leveled me out.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: I felt much better, but you're just like, dang, this journey, you know, as you're dealing with the financial and the emotional and your husband's health.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: Your husband's.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'll just share the lightning because I yeah.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and during this time when I was reading your book, I just couldn't, just you have to share the story of the devil.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, right about that time I had like that panic, or right when I had the meltdown in the office on the IUI, and I was like, I can't do this anymore.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: Lane and I were like, we kind of hit our max, like he wasn't doing well, I obviously wasn't doing well.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: We're like, you know what?
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: We need to do something drastic.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're like, let's do a 21-day, and that's what I based the book off of is a 21-day like prayer fasting situation.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: But I was like, we're gonna do the Daniel fast and we're gonna pray every day.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: And like, darn it, if the Lord isn't gonna like answer us, like in our distress, and this was when we were waiting to do IVF, so we were like, okay, we have time.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, yeah.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like sometimes when you're just in the thick of it, I feel like the enemy really attacks you harder.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so we were in the middle of our 21-day prayer and fasting, and um, we were in our house, and I know when we bought our house, if it gotten like struck by lightning before because some things were a little fried, but I mean, those lightning literally struck us inside our house.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I felt the snap like a rubber band across my face.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: I fell to the ground, like it like was like a white out, you know, and like it surged through our living room and then was gone before you know it.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it was like, what just happened?
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: Wild.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like our house smelled like smoke, like you could smell it, like everything was gone.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: Air conditioning units, TVs, all our appliances, like our sprinkler system.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, everything was gone.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, like we got some stuff paid for, like Costco paid for our TVs because they were under warranty, but like I think all in all the damage was like$12,000, but our deductible was$10.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: So you're like, I mean, I what are we gonna preparing for BBS?
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: As we're preparing for the medication involved there.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 35:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: We just paid it all out of pocket, and then about a week later, my aunt and uncle they live down in Stewart, Florida, and so we love, they have a really beautiful boat, and they're really kind and generous.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so we went down there to go hang out with them, and we go out on the boat, and there's like this storm that comes out of nowhere, and we're kind of in the center, like hunkered down, and my uncle was like, Did you hear that?
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: And we were like, What?
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden, lightning is like zinging the aluminum railings, and it was almost like you know, like Jonah when he's like, Throw me over.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: My aunt and uncle were like, Literally, you're a health hazard.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we gotta drop you off because you gotta stop this fasting.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_01: It was just like, Yeah, the enemy was trying to attack, but couldn't get you.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: But that was wild.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I really couldn't believe that when I read that in your book.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we called the things that was all coupled up into the same year.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like though, there is beauty, and I talk about this in the book with like I was so low.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_00: The only thing that I had to cling to was like the hope of Jesus Christ.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: When you're at the bottom, and like you don't know if your husband's gonna make it, like, I didn't know if I was gonna become a mom.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we get struck by lightning, all this stuff happens.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's all there was.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like what else is there, you know?
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I find that my suffering was beautiful and that it allowed me to have to rebuild my faith because my faith was definitely wrecked.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because at first I was like, oh no, no, wait, what?
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so we get through, lightning struck and all of that stuff, and we started IVF, and I was telling Lindsay earlier, I loved IVF, and I know everyone has a different experience, but I think maybe it was like my achiever personality.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: But like when we started IVF, it was just hopeful.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like we started IVF and it was like we got eggs, and I was like, What?
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: We got eggs! Like it was like progress.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like after like years and years and years of nothing, I was like, dang it, I've got some eggs.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, the numbers like decrease, but then it was like, We we got embryos, you know.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_00: I just got that call.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's just it was so exciting, and then you know, obviously it kind of whittles down, and so we ended up with 10 embryos, and the doctor, Dr.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: Loy, we implanted one and got pregnant.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I was telling Lindsay, I, you know, Lane and I talked about it and was like, okay, if I'm pregnant, like we'll like tell each other together and we'll do it together, like me pee on a stick.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I cried for days because I was having cramping and I was like, I know I'm out.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm not pregnant.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like this sucks.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I was crying so much.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: Lane was like, please, for the love of God, put yourself out of your misery and just take a test and we'll move on.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we'll figure it out.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: So like I'm on the toilet and I pee on a stick and it says pregnant, and he's in a case a couple hours away because he's in medical sales, and I'm calling him, and he said when I called him, he was like, I knew that you weren't pregnant.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, because I knew you wouldn't call me if you were pregnant, like that would be something we'd want to do in person.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you know, one of those.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey pregnant.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was just like you back from all that it's so it's so emotional.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was wild.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: So had a great pregnancy, um, gave birth to my sweet Sayla James, who is just so incredible.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_00: She is my mini me.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: And we were talking about this both, but like when we first had our first babies, I was like, instantly, I was like, oh like I want to go.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I wasted no time.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I wouldn't let him go.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and it was just like you finally got those cuddles.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it and we were talking it's so healing too, it's so healing, and um, you know, it's really, really hard going through in infertility and all the journey you have to go through.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_01: But I will tell you that it makes you appreciate your babies when you finally get them.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, it's so much more.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like even today, after we talked a little bit before this, I uh I grabbed Gavin and I just gave him a huge hug.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like just remembering seeing him, I picked him up from school and I'm like, gosh, you made me a mom when you come here, you know.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's just it's so special, yeah.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_01: And um that's the that's kind of the silver lining, I think, behind going through the journey.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's just and also that you know, why we're here because we know how hard it is.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_01: We we there's nothing that we can say or do to lighten it other than to give you hope.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_01: There's probably something that's waiting for you, and you're gonna get to the other side too.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_01: We don't know what the timing, none of us know the timing.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's trusting and God's timing, really, truly.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I had more of that understanding.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: Once I had Sela, then it was like, oh man, I'm ready for another one.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's right.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I forgot your this, yeah.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_00: So nine months later, we go back, and um, I went back to do another embryo transfer.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was waiting for my pre-op appointment, and I wasn't getting my period, and I was like, oh, my body would revolt, right?
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like here, I'm like, you know, ready for another one.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so the nurse was like, Oh, honey, you're fine.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_00: Just like take a pregnancy test and like whatever it is, like, just come in tomorrow and um, you know, we'll we'll figure it out.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I peed on a stick and you know, glass of wine in hand.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: It was like the day after Christmas, and I was like, Well, did you know I'm just like not getting my period?
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Wait, oh, what?
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was pregnant with stone, and he means stones of Joshua in the Bible from the story of the Israelites crossing on dry land.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then, same with Shepard.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Okay, I have embryos, like, I feel like you know, I'm just gonna give a little bit of time.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: So Lane and I discussed trying for like six months, and then I would go back and we would do another embryo transfer for Shepard.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_00: The day of my appointment with Dr.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_00: Lloyd, I peed on a pregnancy test and I was pregnant with him.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just like when you said that you like hug your babies really tight.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like the Lord gave me all my children's names.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_00: Selah means to pause and reflect.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_00: Stone is stone to Joshua, and then Shepard.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_00: We were walking through a tough season where we lost Lane's mom to pancreatic cancer.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so his name means God's provision.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so every night when I put them to bed, I'm like, Do you know what your name means?
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_00: And Shepard, you know, at four, he's like, God's provision.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh, that's interesting.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, but like they know, like they know how special they are, you know, and like we tell them that every night.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of like the summation of our journeys and kind of everything we went through.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's a lot, we know.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_01: But we wanted to share it because I think it's healing for us.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_01: We hope it helps someone else down the line.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for joining us on today's podcast.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you have been impacted by this episode, there are two things you can do for us.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: First is leave a review on Spotify or Apple Music, and second is to share this with a friend who is struggling.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_00: This helps us to spread our message of hope for others.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like to get in touch with Lindsay or myself, please message us on Instagram at Infertile Diaries Podcast.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or you can go to our website at Whitneyheneman.com, and everyone deserves a family grants.com.