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The VARI-able Approach to Positive Relationships · The No Cry Zone

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Those sleepless nights I toss and turn and do my best to stay awake, stuck in the past, a lesson learned, or dream of you and my mistake.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's foolish to simply dwell on something that could never last.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: A twist of fate, my private hell lost mine.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: What's the other pointing out?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: The lies are still might a witch or true.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: They voice their anger.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Then their doubt spoke is if they knew.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to the No Cry Zone for a sharper take on life.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Jim Best.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_02: Today I'd like to ask you a question that almost everyone asks, but very few people answer effectively, and it has an enormous impact on their quality of living.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_02: Our intro song today is My Sleepless Nights by Brazen Kandor.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: It is, of course, a relationship that Cass Heiler is singing about.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_02: It's a relationship that is troubling her to such an extent that she is trying to avoid sleeping and thus avoid dreaming about.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_02: That's an unusual way to deal with relationship challenges, no doubt, but it does raise the question that all of us face.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_02: How do you become someone that people value, appreciate, and respect?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: If you want an easy way to remember the formula, we call it the variable approach to positive relationships.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: That's variable V A R I dash A B L E.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: Variable standing for value, appreciate, respect, and integrity.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: One thing I want to point out here, right at the outset, relationships are often reciprocal.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_02: If you consistently bring value, appreciation, respect, and integrity, you'll frequently find those same qualities coming back to you.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: And even when they don't, you've still become the kind of person you want to become.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I want to make one thing very clear.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_02: This is certainly about romantic relationships, but it's not only about romantic relationships.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: Everything we're going to discuss today applies to your spouse, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your children, your parents, your coworkers, your clients, your boss, your neighbors, and your friends.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: In other words, these aren't relationship skills, they're life skills.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: And here's why that's so exciting.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: If you develop these qualities, or let's say when you develop these qualities, you don't improve just one relationship, you improve dozens.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: You become more valuable everywhere you go.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: One of the mistakes people make is asking, why don't people appreciate me?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: That's the wrong question.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: The better question is, what qualities can I consistently bring into a relationship that naturally earn appreciation?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: Notice the difference.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: The first question depends on someone else.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: The second answer depends on you.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_02: That's the no cry zone approach.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: We focus on what we control.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: So let's begin with reliability.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: If you tell someone you're going to do something, do it.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: Reliable people are calming.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_02: People don't have to wonder.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: They don't have to chase you.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_02: They don't have to remind you.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_02: Reliability quietly builds trust.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: Next comes positivity.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not talking about pretending everything is wonderful.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: I'm talking about becoming someone who contributes more energy than they consume.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: We've all met people who leave every conversation feeling heavier.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: Every problem becomes a catastrophe.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: Every inconvenience becomes an injustice.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: Every disagreement becomes a crisis.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_02: Don't become that person.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: Become someone who makes life feel a little lighter.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about another quality.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: Competence.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: Become useful.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: I used to have a friend who would jokingly say to people, make yourself useful.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_02: You know what?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: It was pretty good advice.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_02: Become useful.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_02: Learn things.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: Solve problems.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: Develop skills.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: The more capable you become, the more value you naturally bring.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: Notice now something very interesting.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: None of these qualities are manipulative.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_02: You're not trying to trick somebody into liking you.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_02: You're becoming someone who genuinely improves the lives of other people.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_02: And that's the key.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: Here's another quality we can look at emotional stability.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: People don't feel safe around emotional chaos.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: That doesn't mean you never become upset, but it does mean this.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: You don't view every disappointment as an emergency.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_02: And you don't try to draw everyone else into your drama.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: Keep the sirens and flares for emergencies.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: Calm is very attractive.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: Calm creates confidence.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_02: Calm creates trust.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_02: Next, let's look at reciprocity.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_02: Relationships are healthiest when both people contribute.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: And they're most healthy when they are balanced, not perfectly, not equally every day, but consistently over time.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: Ask yourself, am I mostly taking or am I mostly contributing?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: Do I go into this relationship expecting some return?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: Or do I look at what I can contribute to the other person?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: Here's a phrase I'd like you to remember, I emphasize it a lot in Upwards Best.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: Become a net positive.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_02: When people spend an hour with you, or 15 minutes, or 30 seconds, being positive, supportive, encouraging, friendly, and kind doesn't take a lot of time, does it?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: So when you interact with others, when you rub off on them, are they generally better off?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: Do they leave feeling encouraged, more hopeful, more confident, more understood, more valued, more appreciated?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: Or do they leave feeling exhausted, drained?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: Every relationship answers that question eventually.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: The wonderful thing is every one of these qualities helps every relationship you'll ever have.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: Not just your marriage, not just your work life, not just your dating life.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: It affects everything.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_02: Keep in mind our acronym and the purpose of today's No Cry Zone, the variable approach to positive relationships, value, appreciation, respect, and integrity.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: We're making great progress.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: Perfect time to hear a bit more of My Sleepless Nights by Brazen Kandor, and then we'll make this really impactful and meaningful for you when we continue after this short break.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_02: Stick with me.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: It all came down to me in you.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: And when you chose to turn the page instead, there was nothing I could do.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Stuck in the past, a lesson learned, or dream of you in my mistake.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Those sleepless nights that see me through.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, I know I dream of you.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: All right, welcome back.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_02: I'm excited to keep going.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_02: I do want to share one perspective now.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_02: I am advocating approaching each relationship by valuing, appreciating, and respecting the other person and conducting ourselves with integrity.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_02: From the get, from the jump, as we could say.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: Now I realize that some people think I'm not gonna start a relationship that way.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_02: They have to earn it.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, this often carries an unspoken concern that if we lead that way, there are some that will take advantage of us.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_02: And you know what?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: That can happen sometimes, I guess.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: However, I believe there is great strength in setting the tone in the relationships.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's the hallmark of not only being a leader, but a key trait of being an emotionally mature person.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_02: A wait and see observational scrutiny of a relationship never leads to much in my experience.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_02: Secondly, when we approach a relationship and treat the person with respect, appreciation, value, and integrity, and they don't respond accordingly, that is, they don't reciprocate, well, you find out right away that they are very likely not the type of person you want to invest a whole lot of time, energy, and hope in.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_02: You can't wish for them to come around and see what a wonderful person you truly are.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_02: Quality relationships are mutual, and someone's got to get the ball rolling.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_02: Now, as you recall, we've already talked about becoming easy to value.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_02: So let's discuss becoming difficult to replace.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_02: One word, integrity.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_02: People should know exactly who they are getting.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_02: Your value shouldn't change depending upon who's watching.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_02: Integrity creates predictability.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_02: And predictability creates trust.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_02: Another quality, good judgment, not perfect, good, consistent judgment.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_02: Not intelligence, although that's nice.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_02: But we're talking about judgment.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: People appreciate those who make situations better rather than more complicated.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_02: Ask yourself, do I generally reduce chaos or do I increase it?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_02: Oftentimes people increase it by saying I oh it's very confusing, or pointing out what's missing, or pointing out what somebody might have inferred by something they implied by something they might have said earlier or later.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_02: Ask yourself, do I generally reduce chaos or do I increase it?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_02: Now, another one, encouragement.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_02: Never underestimate this.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: Everybody likes to be authentically encouraged.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_02: Remember, everyone is carrying some type of burden, some disappointment, some uncertainty, some fear, some doubt.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_02: Because someone who strengthens other people, not through empty compliments, not through insincere praise, but through sincere recognition.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_02: Notice what's admirable about a person.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_02: There's always something, and then say it sincerely, without expectation of return.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_02: That sincere encouragement costs almost nothing, and yet it changes relationships.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_02: Now, another thing, I want to talk about gratitude, and not the attitude of gratitude.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_02: I'm talking about appreciating people who are in your life.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_02: Because gratitude changes the emotional climate around people.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_02: People enjoy being around people who notice what's going right.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: Then keep growing, never stop becoming more interesting.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_02: Read, travel, learn, explore, develop new skills, have new experiences.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_02: Growth makes relationships richer.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: You don't become valuable once, you keep becoming valuable.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_02: Now, here's something important.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_02: Some people still won't appreciate you.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_02: That's okay.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_02: Don't become bitter, don't become cynical, don't think this stuff doesn't work, don't lower your standards because somebody else failed to recognize your standards or respect your standards.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: That's gonna happen.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: That's on them.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: Character is never wasted.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_02: The qualities that make you a better spouse also make you a better parent.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_02: The qualities that make you a better employee make you a better boss and make you a better friend.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_02: The qualities that make you a better leader will make you a better neighbor.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_02: You're not developing these qualities to manipulate someone into loving you.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_02: You're developing them because they are worth developing.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_02: They are worth having and they are worth living.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_02: Whether one person notices it or 100 people notice, you've still become someone better.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_02: So instead of asking, why don't people appreciate me?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_02: Ask this.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_02: What can I become?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_02: Become more reliable, become calmer, become more competent, become more encouraging, become more grateful, become more trustworthy, become more trusting, become a net positive.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_02: Because here's the beautiful part.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: You cannot force someone to value you, but you can because someone who consistently brings value into every room, every conversation, every relationship, and every day.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_02: And when you do that, your life doesn't just improve, you improve.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_02: And that's what the no cry zone has always been about.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_02: No excuses, no self-pity, no waiting for someone else to change.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_02: Become the kind of person whose presence makes life better.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_02: Please remember, relationships are often reciprocal.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_02: If you consistently bring value, appreciation, respect, and integrity, you'll frequently find those same qualities coming back to you.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: And even when you don't, in the unlikely circumstances, people don't respond to your value, appreciation, respect, and integrity.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_02: You still win because you are becoming the type of person you truly want to be, and the type of person who is truly admirable.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_02: Thanks for listening and growing along.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_02: Join me each day at upwardsbest.com.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_02: Keep on track with the high quality content at Momentum GPS, and let's hand the mic over to Brazen Candor and My Sleepless Nights off their most recent and very popular album, No Precedent.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_02: Join me next week.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Those sleepless nights I toss and turn and do my best to stay awake, stuck in the past, a lesson learned, or dream of you and my mistake.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's foolish to simply dwell on something that could never last.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: A twist of fate, my private held a long lost mind.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just do night sleepless night that fresh just went until myself.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: I must have slept stuck in the past, a lesson learned, or dream of you in my mistake.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Those sleepless nights that see me through.