Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #22: How to build resilience in your child

Transcript

#22: How to build resilience in your child · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: where Look and Susie our husband and wife radio team
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: with three young boys. This is the podcast for the time,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants some answers now when it comes.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: To our kids.
• 0:16
  Speaker 3: I think we both understand the concept we're going to
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: discuss today, but I think we express it in very
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: different ways.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: And that there is a scenario.
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: Where one of our boys will be at the other
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: end of the house or outside on ext door and
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: one of them will start screaming, and your inclination is
• 0:31
  Speaker 3: to run, and my inclination is to stay. Let them
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: deal with whatever they're going through. They've got a tough
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: en up and they got to build some resilience. You
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: can tell the difference between that I'm about to die
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: scream and yes, I'm just upset scream and so I go, okay,
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: it's just the I'm upset screen. I got a little
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: bit hurt. But at other times I'm jumping in and
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: you're the ones going no, You've.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Got to teach them some resilience. I think this is
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: an interesting thing. How much is too.
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: Much when we engage with our kids, and how much
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: do we need to toughen them up a little bit.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: To talk us through that.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Our expert from Happy Families dot Com to are you
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: doctor justin?
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: Colsid?
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: How are you justin?
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: Hi?
• 1:04
  Speaker 4: Susie, Hi, Luke. I love talking about this stuff with
• 1:07
  Speaker 4: you guys. And what a great example. I can't tell
• 1:09
  Speaker 4: you how many times it's the dad that says no, no, no,
• 1:12
  Speaker 4: that'll be right and says, oh no. It's it's a
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: common pattern. I mean, it's not. It doesn't happen every time,
• 1:19
  Speaker 4: but it's it's the absolute epitome of what we see
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: most of the time. Dads are relaxed and munder stress
• 1:25
  Speaker 4: when it comes to the possibility of blood or broken bones.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: I think, I see. I think.
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: The thing is, what we've proven consistently is whenever there's
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: an opinion, a difference of an opinion when it comes
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: to their physical well being, that the vast majority of
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: times I've been accurate as to what they're actually going through.
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: But when it comes to their emotional distress and whether
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: there is something that we need to be sensitive of
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: or someone, then Susie almost is always accurate.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: I go, aheah, what are they going on about?
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: They're just talking and Susie goes, well because of this
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: just and I suddenly go, oh, no, I was a
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: bit harsh on them. So I mean, we've got our
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: areas of expertise.
• 2:01
  Speaker 4: Just yeah, yeah, And that's what the research shows as well.
• 2:05
  Speaker 4: Dads encourage their kids to play and explore and get
• 2:07
  Speaker 4: curious and take risks. Mums try to minimize that sort
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: of stuff, And when it comes to the emotional world
• 2:12
  Speaker 4: of children, mums do tend to be a little more
• 2:15
  Speaker 4: finely tuned into what's going on.
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: We understand because we all make comments about it with
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: somebody else and their kids.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: You can molly call a child too much.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: You can do too much for them and overprotect them
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: from the world, and then they become spoilt little brats,
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: as the term we use. It's obviously something we're aware of,
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: but how common is it that we actually do it ourselves.
• 2:39
  Speaker 4: I don't think that it happens nearly as much as
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: the media makes it out to happen. It certainly does happen.
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: I mean I know I was seventeen year old boy
• 2:45
  Speaker 4: who wasn't allowed to ride down to the shops on
• 2:46
  Speaker 4: his bike, and the shops were only about a kilometer away,
• 2:51
  Speaker 4: you know, mummy was just too scared that something might
• 2:54
  Speaker 4: happen to little Callum, and so just you know, he's
• 2:58
  Speaker 4: seventeen years old, he's six foot four and he had
• 3:01
  Speaker 4: to ride the bikes, ride his bike to the shops.
• 3:03
  Speaker 4: I'm aware of another parent who her son had some
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: allergies and so as a twelve year old, he was
• 3:10
  Speaker 4: still being invited to parties and mummy was packing food
• 3:12
  Speaker 4: for him so that he wouldn't be exposed to any Now.
• 3:16
  Speaker 4: I understand the safety element of that, but the kids twelve,
• 3:21
  Speaker 4: he should have been taught and be able to figure
• 3:22
  Speaker 4: that sort of stuff out by now. And the stories
• 3:24
  Speaker 4: go on and on, you know, with kids being sorry,
• 3:30
  Speaker 4: with parents ringing on behalf of kids and speaking to
• 3:33
  Speaker 4: teachers and getting them out of homework assignments or projects,
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: or getting exam scores bumped up, and all of this,
• 3:39
  Speaker 4: you know, as you said, Molly coddling. And there is
• 3:42
  Speaker 4: some suggestion that it can handicap our children. It can
• 3:47
  Speaker 4: lead them to think that every time there's a problem,
• 3:50
  Speaker 4: they're entitled to have somebody else fix it, or simply
• 3:53
  Speaker 4: to feel helpless and look around and say, well, who
• 3:57
  Speaker 4: can fix this for me? Because somebody has always done
• 3:59
  Speaker 4: it so that I don't have to.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: I have a theory. I want to explore that with you. Next,
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Coulson, we're talking about resilience in our Kids'
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: is from Heavyfamilies dot com dot au.
• 4:08
  Speaker 5: More Next, are you endlessly nagging, shouting, pleading, threatening and
• 4:13
  Speaker 5: demanding that your children behave? Do you live in a
• 4:16
  Speaker 5: dictatorship where the kids are in charge? Time Out is
• 4:20
  Speaker 5: Not Your Only Option? Is an ebook with discipline strategies
• 4:23
  Speaker 5: and ideas that work, and they work without you carrying
• 4:27
  Speaker 5: a load of parental guilt around all day. No more yelling, threatening,
• 4:30
  Speaker 5: bribing or timeouts. From day one, you'll notice the difference
• 4:34
  Speaker 5: in your children and they'll notice the difference in you.
• 4:37
  Speaker 5: Time art is Not Your Only Option by doctor Justin Coulson,
• 4:40
  Speaker 5: Available as an ebook and an audiobook at Happy Families
• 4:44
  Speaker 5: dot com dot au.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: It's the Heavy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coulson. As
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: we're talking today about resilience.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: So finished just a few moments ago, I aory.
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: I have a theory, and then she moved on and
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: I'm still yet to hear what this theory is.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: Yes, I double aged in psychology, so there's very little
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: credibility because I've never actually practiced it. But my theory
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: justin when it comes to resilience and kids, and we're
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: talking about things like the helicopter parenting, the jumping into
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: rescue at every moment our children and not letting them
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: do things that might potentially, possibly vaguely be in the
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: realm of a small chance of them being injured. My
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: theory is that parents these days are so tired. It's
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: not the child they're protecting, it's themselves.
• 5:31
  Speaker 4: I think in some cases, you'll be right. You know,
• 5:34
  Speaker 4: it's just easier. It's just easier if I do it.
• 5:36
  Speaker 4: It's just easier if I take over and take control,
• 5:39
  Speaker 4: and it's going to be done better, and then there's
• 5:41
  Speaker 4: not going to be anything to worry about. I've got
• 5:43
  Speaker 4: no doubt about that. There's a few other things that
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: are creating this culture of do it all for the kids.
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: We have fewer children, and we really want them to succeed.
• 5:53
  Speaker 4: We want them to be absolutely brilliant. The frightening thing
• 5:55
  Speaker 4: is the more we do to help them, the more
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: we actually handicap them down the track. The children who
• 6:01
  Speaker 4: have everything done for them, they turn eighteen or twenty
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: two or twenty six, and they're still bringing the washing
• 6:07
  Speaker 4: home because they don't know how to do it all,
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: because they have always been taught that somebody will fix
• 6:11
  Speaker 4: it all. I actually this is staggering. But I heard
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: a story from an employer just recently who said he'd
• 6:18
  Speaker 4: hired a recent graduate twenty four years old, and the
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: graduate had been working for him for about a year.
• 6:24
  Speaker 4: He got a phone call from the graduate's mum, My
• 6:27
  Speaker 4: son is working so hard for you. Are you aware
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: of what he's doing? Surely he deserves a pay rise
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: by now. I'm not convinced that that's healthy for him,
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: or for the boss, or for anybody. I think that
• 6:39
  Speaker 4: we've got it. I mean, our job is ultimately to
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: make ourselves redundant. I'm not suggesting that we should leave
• 6:45
  Speaker 4: our two year old to fend for herself, that she
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: should be making her lunch and getting herself off to
• 6:49
  Speaker 4: kindy on her own. But what I am suggesting is
• 6:52
  Speaker 4: that when our children are having a difficulty, when there's
• 6:55
  Speaker 4: a chance that they might hurt themselves, or a chance
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: that they could fail, it might be okay to let
• 7:00
  Speaker 4: them do that, and then to be the support and
• 7:03
  Speaker 4: scaffolding asswords. Now, sometimes we don't want to let them
• 7:06
  Speaker 4: do that. We need to judge it on its merriage.
• 7:08
  Speaker 4: If they're going to fail crossing the road, we probably
• 7:12
  Speaker 4: need to be there to prevent any harm or tragedy.
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: If they're going to fail peeling the potato properly, we
• 7:18
  Speaker 4: can probably let them bleed a little bit because they'll
• 7:22
  Speaker 4: learn how to use a potato peeler safely. Then again,
• 7:26
  Speaker 4: maybe we don't want them to do that because they're
• 7:28
  Speaker 4: too young, or because they're actually going to hurt themselves
• 7:30
  Speaker 4: quite a lot. You know that feeling when you get
• 7:31
  Speaker 4: yourself with a potato peel that's horrible. What I'm basically
• 7:35
  Speaker 4: saying is judge each case on its merits and if
• 7:39
  Speaker 4: failure and if a little bit of pain is not
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: going to cause harm is not going to frighten them
• 7:45
  Speaker 4: and may actually help them to grow and be better.
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: It's our job not to fix everything. It's our job
• 7:50
  Speaker 4: not to prevent everything, But instead it's our job to
• 7:53
  Speaker 4: be support and scaffolding. We have a genuinely important role
• 7:57
  Speaker 4: to nurture and to protect, but that doesn't mean that
• 8:01
  Speaker 4: we should do everything for them and stop anything from
• 8:04
  Speaker 4: possibly ever maybe happening.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. There's two things to say.
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: One you talked about the getting a phone call, the
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: graduate getting a phone call. I as a manager, had
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: a phone call from the dad of a twenty eight
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: year old employee because they were working so hard and
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: maybe we needed to give them some time off.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: I'm okay, thank you, daddy.
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: But as someone who was very navigationally challenged, I'm like
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: a child when it comes to learning directions.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: And there was a friend's house.
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: We visited them every fortnight for over a year, and
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: I drove the car every single time, but Susie gave
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: me directions, turn left here, turn.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: Right there, turn left here.
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: We house sat for this couple, and the very first
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: day I got lost and didn't know how to get
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: to their house every fortnight for a year. But because
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: Susie had been telling me where they go, I never
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: learned how to do it by myself.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: It wasn't till the first time or two I got lost.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: Then it was off by heart. Didn't need the GPS anymore.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: This is the learning experience.
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: You have to let them fail sometimes so they can
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: learn how to succeed.
• 9:03
  Speaker 4: Justin I think we should maybe wrap up with one
• 9:08
  Speaker 4: really quick and simple analogy. I like to ride my
• 9:10
  Speaker 4: push bike. I'm one of those middle aged men in
• 9:13
  Speaker 4: like or the whole Likera thing and the shaved legs,
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: and I just overshared.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I getting awkward.
• 9:19
  Speaker 4: Hold on you didn't really want that image, But you've
• 9:22
  Speaker 4: got a fountain. But if I want to become a
• 9:25
  Speaker 4: great bike rider, if I want to become a strong
• 9:28
  Speaker 4: bike rider, I don't get great at bike riding by
• 9:32
  Speaker 4: riding downhill. Riding downhill is fun. Riding downhill is enjoyable
• 9:37
  Speaker 4: and it's easy, but I don't get the strengthening that
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: comes from the challenge of riding uphill. It's when I
• 9:44
  Speaker 4: ride uphill, when I go through the difficulty and the
• 9:47
  Speaker 4: trial of pushing myself up a hill that just looks
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: too hard, that's where the growth comes. And that's the
• 9:53
  Speaker 4: same for our children. They do need to ride uphill,
• 9:57
  Speaker 4: not necessarily physically but metaphorically. They've got to go through
• 10:01
  Speaker 4: the hard stuff and go through the challenges. But it's
• 10:03
  Speaker 4: much easier for than if they're doing it with us
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: right there by their side, encouraging them and helping them
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: when they need it with a tiny little push or
• 10:10
  Speaker 4: a little nudge or a little hate. You've just got
• 10:13
  Speaker 4: to get to that corner. You've just got to get
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: to that lamppost. That's what builds resilience, giving them success
• 10:18
  Speaker 4: opportunities while we're standing beside them but not doing it
• 10:20
  Speaker 4: for them. And if they do fall over, we help
• 10:23
  Speaker 4: them get up and get back on the bike, but
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: we don't necessarily pick them up, put them on the bike,
• 10:28
  Speaker 4: and then drag them up the hill.
• 10:30
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: Well, it's been absolutely empowering and rewarding having a few
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: moments with your doctor. Justin Kilson from Happy Families dot
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: com dot you thank you so much for your.
• 10:38
  Speaker 4: Time, always pleasure.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: For more info in all of Justin's books, podcasts, and programs,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: you can jump online to happy Families dot com dot
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: are you to find out how to have Justin speak
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: at your school, or you can come along to your
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: organization as well. Go to Justin Coulson dot com.