Latest / In The Driver's Seat / Would You Still Love It If Nobody Was Watching?
Transcript
- Lisa French: Have you ever noticed that everything seems to have an aesthetic now? Cottage core, clean girl. Coastal grandma. I live on the coast. I'm a grandma. Is that me? Every time I open social media, I feel like there's somebody telling me who I'm supposed to be next. And don't get me wrong, I love beautiful things. I love a cozy home. I I love great style. I love seeing creative people express themselves. Inspiration isn't the problem. But lately I've been wondering, at what point does inspiration turn into imitation? At what point do we stop asking, do I actually like this? And start wondering what is everyone else going to think? Because those are two very different questions. We all want to belong. That's part of being human. But there's a difference between belonging and disappearing right into the crowd. And I think a lot of us are disappearing without even realizing it. The funny thing is I really don't think that this episode is about aesthetics. I think aesthetics Are just the newest version of something that's been around for a very long time. Honestly, I can barely keep up anymore. But whether it's the cottage core, the clean girl, the coastal grandma, or whatever the next one will be, I don't think that that's really what we are chasing. If we're being honest, we were doing this way before social media existed. Like just think back to middle school. There was always the cool table lunch during lunch. There was the hottest shoes. When I was in school it was Air Jordans. You were you were totally it if you had Air Jordans. There's the right designer label on your clothes. There's the popular group that everyone wants to be a part of. Social media did not create that pressure. Social media just gave us some cool filters and good lighting. So here's the question I want you to ask yourself. Would you still love it if nobody was watching? Cause I eventually had to answer that for myself. And it all started with one question about my hair. I think the reason why this topic hits me the way it does goes all the way back. into my childhood. My parents divorced before I started kindergarten. And my brother and I both lived with our dad. Money was always tight. A lot of times clothes that I wore or we my brother and I had to wear maybe were slightly high watered or didn't quite the sleeves didn't quite meet to the wrist. I know that also I ended up with hammy downs. So those li those clothes had a whole nother life before I wore them. I was fortunate enough to get hand me downs from my best friend's older sister. But basically, that period of my life, if it fit or if it almost fit, that's what I wore. Looking back, I don't really remember thinking that our life was too terribly unusual. It was really just our life. I mean, everybody has hard times, whatever. It was just our life that we were getting through. And then there was my hair. ⁓ my hair. It was red, fiery red, long, curly, unruly at times. It pretty much had a mind of its own, let's just say that. I had a gap between my front teeth. I for sure wasn't the kid walking into school looking like I just stepped out of a magazine. But then one year, I think I was in sixth grade. My best friend's mom, the mom that gave me her oldest daughter's clothes for my birthday, took me to their hairstylist. It was the first time that I got like the treatment of what kind of style do you want and how do you cut it and like special shampoo and all the things. I remember think walking out thinking, ⁓ so this is what this is this feels like to have this kind of style and hair treatment. Not because I suddenly looked perfect, but But because someone had taken the time to help me feel seen. Looking back now, I've realized I never had the opportunity to chase trends. Because doing that costs money that we did not have. So while other kids were ⁓ getting to figure out and experience what was cool, I wasn't trying to make a fascist statement. I was just trying to get dressed in some decent clothes that fit and get to school on time. And somewhere along the way something unexpected happened. Because I wasn't trying to constantly keep up with everyone else, I slowly started figuring out what I actually liked. Not what was popular, not what everyone else was wearing. Just what felt like me. Even today, if you look around my house or look into my closet, you'll notice that I naturally gravitate towards things that are simple, cozy, practical, for sure practical. I have lots of clothes that just seem to be timeless items, and I I'll keep them for years. And that'll happen because life just kind of nudged me in that direction. Which is why the comment about my hair caught me so off guard. Are you really going to wear your hair like that? He meant my natural hair, my curls. And I know it probably sounded like a throwaway comment to him, but to me it touched something much deeper. I'd spent years making peace, being the girl who had hair that didn't cooperate. Whose clothes weren't the newest, whose smile wasn't perfect. Over time, though that those things became a part of me. Not because I chose them, because I learned to love them anyway. Then that one sentence made me question all of it. For a while after that, I straightened my hair more often. Not because I No longer liked my curls, but because I let someone else's opinion be louder than my own. Which then made me self-conscious about my natural curly hair. That's how subtle this pressure can be. It doesn't usually show up shouting. It creeps in as a whisper. I already knew which ones were mine and which ones were just noise. I didn't I didn't choose to develop my own style. Life chose that for me. And honestly, I'm grateful that it did. Because by the time that I had the freedom to buy whatever I wanted, I already knew but the difference between something that genuinely felt like me and something I only wanted because. everybody else seemed to. At the time it didn't really feel like a gift. Now I realize it absolutely was. I enjoy not being just like everyone else, not blending in with everyone else. But here's the part that I wish more people understood. Every time we edit ourselves to fit someone else's expectations, we move just a little bit further away from who we truly are. Maybe that's it's by the clothes we wear. Maybe it's how we do our hair. Maybe it's pretending to like things that we really don't like. Or maybe it's just becoming a version of ourself that in order to get more approval. Seeking validation from others outside validation. At first those little edits don't seem like a big deal. But over time they add up. Have you ever looked back and realized you don't even remember when it started? There wasn't one big decision. There were a hundred little ones. One day you wake up and you realize you've spent so much time and energy trying to become someone everyone else likes that you've lost touch with the person you were before all the editing started. Performance is exhausting. And I've thought about that hair comet a lot over the years. Not because of him, because of what it taught me. It taught me how much influence our words can have over another person. One sentence made me question something I had already accepted about myself. So I made a decision. I never want to be the person who makes someone feel like they have to become a different version of themselves in order to be accepted. When you are around me, I don't care what kind of car you drive. I don't care what labels are on the clothes in your closet. I do not care if your house looks like it belongs in a magazine. I do not care what kind of music you listen to or whether your style looks anything like mine. What I do care about is whether you can walk away from a conversation with me feeling like You never had to pretend that you felt safe to be authentically yourself. That is the gift I want people to leave with because that's the person I want to know. I want to know what's inside your soul. And here's where my mindset work comes into this. I really do believe we attract more of what's aligned with us when we stop trying so hard to be someone else. I mean, think about it. If you're always performing, people are connecting with the performance, not you. Someone once told me that it can take up to three years to truly know a person because they put up a representative. And I really kind of believe that. But when you finally start showing up as yourself. That's when the right people start finding you. Not because you became more impressive, because you became more authentic. So show up as the version of yourself that exists when nobody's watching. I think that is one of the greatest gifts we can give another person. They don't have to earn simply belonging. They don't have to impress us. They don't have to look a certain way. They don't have to have it all together. I know I most certainly do not have it all together. They can just exhale and relax and be themselves. Because when somebody feels that kind of safety, that's where the real connection begins. So here's the question I'm gonna ask you this week. Maybe you've already asked yourself this question. Is the life that you are building actually yours? Or has it slowly become a collection of things that you thought you were supposed to want? Because sometimes those things can look almost identical. The person following every trend and the person confidently walking their own path. They can look exactly the same from the outside, but only one of them Is actually free. The difference isn't what they're wearing or what they're driving or what their Instagram aesthetic feed looks like. The difference is this one person is creating a life that truly reflects who they are. The other one is creating a life that gets approval. Those aren't always the same life. Being authentic is a very different kind of life. If The today's conversation made you stop and think, I have something I'd love to share with you. I put together a free visualization guide that I think you will really enjoy. This is the process that I personally use myself when I need to kind of shut everything out in the world, the noise and the chatter of the world, and really hear my own mind of what I really want in life, and then putting It a step further and being able to see it in my mind and get excited about it. If you would like a copy of that, you can get it at LisaFrench.rocks forward slash visualization. I'll also drop a link for that in the show notes. And if you would like more messages like this, I would love to have you join my weekly newsletter called Hello Possibility. It is also free. Every Tuesday I share a story, a mindset shift, or just something that's been on my heart. It's always about helping you reconnect with yourself and remembering the possibilities in life. You can sign up for that at LisaFrench.rocks forward slash newsletter. But also a link will be in the show notes. And finally, if you're enjoying in the driver's seat, I would be ever so grateful. If you would subscribe or follow, depending on wherever you're c getting this episode, it really does help more people find these conversations. As always, thank you for spending time with me. I never take it for granted. Until next time, remember that you are always in the driver's seat of your own life. I'll see you next week.