Latest / Voices for Voices® / Episode 92: Discovering Life Beyond Screen and Embracing Family Joy
Transcript
- 0:00Justin Alan Hayes: Chapter 7.
- 0:02Justin Alan Hayes: Cruise Control.
- 0:04Justin Alan Hayes: Why did I think I could power through on my own?
- 0:08Justin Alan Hayes: Because if I needed a good grade on a project or exam, I would just spend the extra time preparing beforehand, which led most of the time to a positive grade.
- 0:19Justin Alan Hayes: This was different, however.
- 0:21Justin Alan Hayes: The more time I spent preparing and studying, the more burnout I felt the pure exhaustion part of my fuel.
- 0:30Justin Alan Hayes: To continue.
- 0:31Justin Alan Hayes: On Day after day, the stress became overwhelming, so much so that I could not process what I was doing.
- 0:40Justin Alan Hayes: It was here that I realized that simple activities and tasks such as these could become such a detriment to someone's health.
- 0:49Justin Alan Hayes: Each task and activity independent of one another is not such a bad thing.
- 0:55Justin Alan Hayes: It is when, like me, that just about everything that you do is a competition or achievement of efficiency.
- 1:05Justin Alan Hayes: That was how my mind operated, with constant internal thoughts of what if?
- 1:11Justin Alan Hayes: What would happen if I miss out on an email or text message.
- 1:16Justin Alan Hayes: As I applied to jobs to begin my professional career, the fear of missing that one important message was crippling.
- 1:25Justin Alan Hayes: It is what we now call FOMO, or fear of missing out, that was beginning to control my life at the worst possible time.
- 1:34Justin Alan Hayes: In addition to this, my mind was polluted with a sense that I had to complete tasks one after the other, on and on, with no relief.
- 1:45Justin Alan Hayes: This behavior is also referred to as rumination I was knowledgeable of everything, yet an expert on nothing, no matter how hard I tried to stay on top of reading email, facebook news apps and more.
- 2:01Justin Alan Hayes: All of this left me with no leftover energy to focus on the things that really mattered, like my overall health, my family and personal relationships.
- 2:12Justin Alan Hayes: This situation was simply not a case of chilling out and getting a grip.
- 2:19Justin Alan Hayes: This stage of life was a case of obsession, of a serious issue starting to come to light.
- 2:25Justin Alan Hayes: No matter how many deep breaths I tried, timeouts from stressful or overwhelming situations I took, my mind was operating on autopilot and nothing I was doing was shutting it down.
- 2:38Justin Alan Hayes: Even though they had just moved back into the area, I flaked on countless family dinners and get-togethers to focus on myself and the latest set of tasks at hand.
- 2:50Justin Alan Hayes: I was so selfish to those who loved and cared for me most, all because I thought I had other things to do.
- 2:58Justin Alan Hayes: Spending time with family ranks differently on everyone's priority list, but for me, quality family time ranked at the very bottom, underneath everything else.
- 3:10Justin Alan Hayes: What was the reasoning?
- 3:12Justin Alan Hayes: Much of the time it was trivial tasks and other plans, like going to the mall to pick up a new outfit to wear on a date.
- 3:21Justin Alan Hayes: Others it was having to shop for more alcohol to make sure my stash was properly stocked to host friends.
- 3:29Justin Alan Hayes: If not attending events that I previously used to find was not bad enough.
- 3:36Justin Alan Hayes: Now even settling in to watch a baseball game on TV became difficult.
- 3:41Justin Alan Hayes: My mind was in hyper time, not only when I was on my computer and phone, but offline and trying to do a leisurely activity as well.
- 3:51Justin Alan Hayes: I noticed that the motion and lights of the TV made me incredibly dizzy.
- 3:56Justin Alan Hayes: I felt like I was a second away from passing out.
- 4:00Justin Alan Hayes: On multiple occasions, even when trying to attend a concert for my favorite band, I had to leave well before it was over because of the constant stage show lighting and loud noises Unbeknownst to me at the time.
- 4:16Justin Alan Hayes: Depression takes shape in multiple ways.
- 4:18Justin Alan Hayes: My rumination, obsession, newfound introversion and unreliability, on top of panic attacks, inability to focus and general apathy toward literally everything in my life, were glaring signs.
- 4:35Justin Alan Hayes: In fact, I even began to experience episodes of fear at the thought of attending a sporting event or a concert, activities that I had loved to do once upon a time.
- 4:47Justin Alan Hayes: Since every human brain is wired differently, I can only ascertain that the use of my computer and phone only exacerbated my anxiety and depression.
- 4:59Justin Alan Hayes: It gave me a crutch to lean on as an excuse as to why I could not go out.
- 5:04Justin Alan Hayes: What would I do for that long without being connected via phone and computer?
- 5:09Justin Alan Hayes: My anxiety driven brain felt that these pieces of technology were just as important, or even more important, to me as a human being than actually being present with and interacting with other live human beings in the real world.
- 5:26Justin Alan Hayes: Hearing the crack of a baseball bat as it comes into contact with a ball, the snap of the leather glove as it catches made, and even the smell of hot dogs and fresh popcorn were parts of attending live baseball games that I loved the most, and now they weren't enough to get me out of my room.
- 5:46Justin Alan Hayes: I was simultaneously connected and disconnected with other humans.
- 5:52Justin Alan Hayes: Although I was almost totally wired in all the time, I still intensely distanced myself from others by having less and less communication with my family and friends.
- 6:04Justin Alan Hayes: I became short on phone calls and my speech became mumbled and disjointed.
- 6:10Justin Alan Hayes: I spoke in phrases and one to two word answers, rarely completing sentences.
- 6:16Justin Alan Hayes: I also shunned the idea of exercising to take up my time that I once leaned on heavily to occupy my time.
- 6:25Justin Alan Hayes: This was the result of Eagle Park's fear of leaving the house and general physical weakness paired with newly developed exhaustion.
- 6:34Justin Alan Hayes: Had these two, of course, no desire to leave my computer or not check my phone for the hour long workout.
- 6:44Justin Alan Hayes: Despite all of this, some time later I ended up moving back into my parents house to bridge the gap between school and beginning a career.
- 6:53Justin Alan Hayes: That was one of the largest changes in my life so far, as it is.
- 6:59Justin Alan Hayes: For a lot of recent college graduates, it was a great way to save money to help me get on my feet with a career.
- 7:06Justin Alan Hayes: I was lucky in that I had, and still have, extremely supportive parents who wanted and still want what is best for their son and daughter.
- 7:16Justin Alan Hayes: After all the mistreatment, misgatherings and short phone calls, I was still their son and incredibly happy to still have their support and generosity.
- 7:28Justin Alan Hayes: However, this began the transition from doing what I wanted when I wanted to during college to living with rules and rebelling a flashback to high school behavior, now compounded with my recent lack of goals and constant compulsion to complete tasks and activities.
- 7:48Justin Alan Hayes: Eventually, after work, I would sit in my room, safe behind the closed door and shut out from the family, googling whatever I was feeling at that time and leading myself down a rabbit hole of symptoms.
- 8:01Justin Alan Hayes: I was reading mountains of information and not soaking in anything.
- 8:06Justin Alan Hayes: I would type best vitamins for stress In an effort to convince myself.
- 8:12Justin Alan Hayes: I was trying to get help.
- 8:14Justin Alan Hayes: Web page after web page of search results scream the benefits of taking a vitamin to counteract the symptoms of stress, fighting for my attention at every click.
- 8:25Justin Alan Hayes: So there I would sit, consumed by trying to define my symptoms and feelings.
- 8:31Justin Alan Hayes: Day after day I would do the same web search as repeatedly, sometimes leaving the house long enough to pick up the specific foods Google was telling me to buy.
- 8:42Justin Alan Hayes: I was ready to try any vitamin and nutrient combinations so that it would hopefully cure me.
- 8:49Justin Alan Hayes: Some help for a short time.
- 8:52Justin Alan Hayes: Others most of them did nothing.
- 8:56Justin Alan Hayes: Not only was I jumping from vitamin concoction to vitamin concoction, I also started to rely on them instead of eating real food.
- 9:04Justin Alan Hayes: Most days I would sleep until 10 or 11 am, tired from malnutrition and still not ready to eat a small lunch until the middle of the afternoon.
- 9:15Justin Alan Hayes: So there it was, half the day gone and consuming only 100 to 400 calories.
- 9:21Justin Alan Hayes: For reference, the recommended calorie intake for men is between 2000 and 2200 calories per day.
- 9:31Justin Alan Hayes: No wonder why I was exhausted At this point.
- 9:35Justin Alan Hayes: My computer and phone use skyrocketed well into the night and every weekend because I was determined to find the source of my symptoms and how to help them.
- 9:46Justin Alan Hayes: At the same time, though, I was insanely quick in dismissing professional help websites.
- 9:53Justin Alan Hayes: I refused to believe that I may have a mental condition that might soon end my life, and because of this, I refused to believe that I was not mature enough to get myself help at this time.
- 10:05Justin Alan Hayes: Of course, I could take care of my own needs.
- 10:08Justin Alan Hayes: I did not need my parents to check in.
- 10:11Justin Alan Hayes: Not only was I searching to define my symptoms online, most of them not visible except for my weight and look of exhaustion, I was having to constantly explain to everyone around me how I was feeling and what my symptoms were.
- 10:28Justin Alan Hayes: I was adding the task of making sure everyone knows I'm actually OK to my never ending to-do list.
- 10:36Justin Alan Hayes: I began seeking advice from others, asking their opinion and thoughts on my situation if they cared to share, and yet I never believed them.
- 10:47Justin Alan Hayes: I never took it seriously Prior to my impending crash and mental health crisis, I was able to advance my life on a personal level by getting married.
- 11:00Justin Alan Hayes: On our wedding day, the local newspaper published a picture and article about us on the front page with the title Men To Be Couple is first to wed in St Mary since 2015 fire.
- 11:13Justin Alan Hayes: The fire destroyed several areas of our church, including the front where a chapel had previously housed the National Shrine to St Dympha, the patron saint of mental and emotional disorders.
- 11:28Justin Alan Hayes: Now, looking back, I cannot help but wonder if everything I've been through up to and including publishing this book, is somehow related to that fire in 2015.
- 11:40Justin Alan Hayes: Like the fire at the church, a fire tore through my mental health and emotional well-being and, just like the church, I had to make it through and come out on the other side.
- 11:53Justin Alan Hayes: During the wedding ceremony and reception, I was in the process of breaking down.
- 11:58Justin Alan Hayes: I felt completely embarrassed inside to my wife, her family and my family as well.
- 12:05Justin Alan Hayes: No amount of planning could help me not to break down, not to mention the passing of my grandmother during the week of my wedding, as if I was not already working against a stacked deck of cards.
- 12:18Justin Alan Hayes: Already I felt zombie-like with the patchwork of medicine my family physician had prescribed just a couple weeks prior to the ceremony.
- 12:27Justin Alan Hayes: I wasn't in the best frame of mind already, and the medicine took me away from reality, in that I wasn't able to grieve her loss because the wedding had to go on and, instead of delaying what was to be two weeks in paradise for a honeymoon, the memorial service for my grandma was delayed instead, so that we could attend just hours after our return.
- 12:54Justin Alan Hayes: Although that point in my life was chaotic, to say the least, I was still able to get married, and my wife put up with me during that time, as well as the full-blown crash in crisis that was still to come.
- 13:06Justin Alan Hayes: She could have walked away and not married my complicated self, but I am eternally grateful she stuck by me, even though at times life was immensely tough for the both of us.
- 13:19Justin Alan Hayes: So, despite it all, throughout this time in my life, I managed to balance my job and personal relationships.
- 13:27Justin Alan Hayes: Throughout my 20s and early 30s, I kept my family just close enough, but bailed when I couldn't take the interactions any longer.
- 13:36Justin Alan Hayes: Plus, there was a pretty serious sequence of events that happen in rapid succession 1.
- 13:44Justin Alan Hayes: A job resignation from a toxic company.
- 13:47Justin Alan Hayes: 2.
- 13:48Justin Alan Hayes: Deteriorating health of my grandmother, which I admittedly refused to acknowledge at the time.
- 13:55Justin Alan Hayes: 3.
- 13:56Justin Alan Hayes: A series of health concerns with my brother-in-law.
- 14:00Justin Alan Hayes: 4.
- 14:01Justin Alan Hayes: Moving in with my fiancé.
- 14:03Justin Alan Hayes: And 5.
- 14:05Justin Alan Hayes: Our wedding day.
- 14:07Justin Alan Hayes: All of this took my anxiety and depression from bad to worse.
- 14:11Justin Alan Hayes: Sure, I was happy with my new wife after leaving a toxic job and excited that my brother-in-law got the treatment he needed, but none of this could cure me.
- 14:21Justin Alan Hayes: I expected everyone to realize that these 5 huge events were the icing on an extraordinarily complex internal freshly baked cake.
- 14:32Justin Alan Hayes: I was sick and I never actually communicated my true feelings, even when I had the opportunity to open up.
- 14:39Justin Alan Hayes: One of the times on my recovery journey I knew I was left on this earth was for the birth of my daughter.
- 14:46Justin Alan Hayes: While she was born and when I first held her, everything changed for the better.
- 14:51Justin Alan Hayes: It did not matter that my wife and I spent an entire Christmas in the hospital.
- 14:57Justin Alan Hayes: The fact that our daughter was born just after midnight on December 26th made it all worth it.
- 15:04Justin Alan Hayes: I would not have had it any other way.
- 15:07Justin Alan Hayes: Both my wife and baby girl were healthy, which were the only things that mattered.
- 15:12Justin Alan Hayes: We would read to our baby almost every night throughout my wife's pregnancy, and so, when she was born, I could tell she already recognized my voice, which was the most joyful thing I've ever felt in life.
- 15:26Justin Alan Hayes: So now, having a child to love, care for and teach, it was easy to want to help both others.
- 15:34Justin Alan Hayes: I know, or do not know.
- 15:36Justin Alan Hayes: As you may or may not know, taking care of a newborn child is not easy and it takes a lot of energy and time away from hobbies you have gotten accustomed to doing pre-baby.
- 15:48Justin Alan Hayes: I enjoy being able to spend time with her, whether it is reading her favorite book for the 10th time that day, changing her diapers, or watching her get so excited to hear the Sesame Street or Mr Rogers Neighborhood theme songs on TV.
- 16:04Justin Alan Hayes: Part of my prescription for living is my daughter.
- 16:08Justin Alan Hayes: She gives my life purpose every day, especially those days I may be hard to deal with.
- 16:14Justin Alan Hayes: I can leave a bad day at work to walk in the door and feel her love for me, helping me forget what had just happened, and that also fuels me to want to keep making a living to support my wife and our most prized asset, our daughter.