Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 51, Season 1: The High Cost of Low Standards

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Episode 51, Season 1: The High Cost of Low Standards · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I am your co
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: host Raina Butcher here with our host, doctor Sarah Hensley,
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: the owner, founder and CEO of the Love Dog Relationship
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Coaching Services.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: Hello, Hello, what's up?
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: Oh gosh, you know, just doing podcasts with you today.
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: I've never seen you.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: I know, I've missed you a lot.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: I feel like we haven't really, like I said on
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: the last podcast, like we haven't really had quality time.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: In fact, the last time we had quality time was
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: when we went to Saint John's.
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: I know, and we need to go back.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: It's just time for another trip.
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: I know it is time for another trip.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: I wish I was going to Key West with y'all.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: I know that would be fun.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: If if my son, I mean, if my husband had
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: a different job, we would probably be.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: There for sure. But he ain't gonna quite. He ain't
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: gonna quit.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: And you know what, sometimes I'm like, Okay, it's fair.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: He doesn't have to quit. It's it's you know. I
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: think sometimes he loves it. And I think he also
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: has that like mentality of like, if something was to happen,
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: like I still need this needs to be our security,
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: you know.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: So I get it. So today, episode fifty one.
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: It's the last episode of season one, right.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: We got one more fifty two weeks and ye're kidding,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: so we have one more.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: But I can't believe we're here.
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: I know, it's crazy. We've grown so much, I know,
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: And I'm so fantastic. Thank you guys for listening. We're
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: so grateful, So we're so much.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: We're so grateful for all of our listeners and our
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: loyal listeners, and for our listeners who share it with
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: our friends.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: We especially love you.
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: But episode fifty one is the high cost of low standards.
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: Oh my goodness. This has been literally the theme of
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: the last few weeks in terms of my clientele. A
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: teacher a long time ago told me, you know what,
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: low standards are a form of disrespect. Like, when you
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: have low standards for yourself, you are disrespecting yourself. When
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: you have low standards of others, you are disrespecting them
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: because you are basically saying you don't think that they're capable.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: This is just a reflection of you, and you have
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: low standards of other people.
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: Right and so, And I've met people in my life
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: that are like, well, if I just keep my standards
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: low then I don't get disappointed. And I'm like, what
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: an awful life to live, and to be so scared
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: of disappointment that you're willing to lower the bar.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: And there's so many people we know that live like this.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: I can think of I can think of three off
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: the top of my head, straight off the bat Man,
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: and we're like and it feels so foreign to me now,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: not that I don't have sympathy for people who are
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: still there, but I'm just like, there is.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: No way an h double l that I would ever
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: And I know we're not over here trying to tutor
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: horns or anything, but there's no way that I would
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: ever just take the bare minimum from somebody, no way,
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: or put up with somebody's like abuse.
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: Or cheating over and over again. I mean, okay, I
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: respect people that want to repair after infidelity. I do.
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: It's not what I would do because of my trauma
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: around it. But multiple infidelities over and over and over again,
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: which was my situation, there's no excuse to stay. And
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: I have confronted that in my practice. I don't know
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: how many times in the last couple weeks, like my
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: husband's cheated on me fifteen times, what do I do?
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: What do you mean? What do you do?
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  Speaker 2: Baby?
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  Speaker 3: What do you mean? What do you do? That isn't
• 3:46
  Speaker 3: computing for me? Right now? You're really talking about the
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: fifteenth affair.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: That's wild.
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  Speaker 3: Wild. They'll be like, well, we've been married for twenty
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: years and he's had fifteen affairs.
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: It ain't gonna change.
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  Speaker 3: I'm like, what evidence do you have that he's capable
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  Speaker 3: of stopping this at this point? At this point, how
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: could you ever will you really ever trust him? And
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  Speaker 3: like they'll say no, and I'm like, well, there you go.
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  Speaker 3: Are you going to live a life where you always
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  Speaker 3: have to wonder what someone's doing behind your back, who
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: isn't doing the work to repair And they will fully
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  Speaker 3: admit they have not done that partner has not given
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: them anything to try to repair it, and they are
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  Speaker 3: self esteem is just so far in the toilet that
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: they can't pull themselves out of it. It's like, you
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  Speaker 3: get and I've been in a trauma bond, so I
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  Speaker 3: get how hard it is. It literally is emotional addiction.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: You or your brain is addicted to the person. And
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: I know how hard trauma bonds are to break. But
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  Speaker 3: at some point you got to try because that is
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: putting not just your mental health at risk, that's the call.
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: Your physical health is at risk too, when you're still
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: having sex with this person, right And I have so
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  Speaker 3: many people that come to me and they're like, well,
• 4:57
  Speaker 3: an SCD because my husband cheated or my wife cheated,
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: and I'm just like, there's so much selfishness and entitlement
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  Speaker 3: with your partner, and that's a character issue right there.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: I mean the ScDs. There's people that will I mean,
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  Speaker 2: I went back to my ex after he got another
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  Speaker 2: person pregnant.
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  Speaker 3: I know you did, but you know what, I wouldn't
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: be surprised if my ex didn't have another kid floating
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: out there somewhere that we didn't know about. Okay, So
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  Speaker 3: there is no judgment I know here.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: That's what we're saying all this because it's like, even
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: though we are, yeah, even though we wouldn't accept that now,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: at one time we did.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: We did.
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  Speaker 3: And what we want you to know, so desperate cost
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: is hi. The cost is way too high. The cost
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: on your nervous system.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: We still are suffering from physical ailments.
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: Still to this day, trauma ten years later, the trauma
• 5:52
  Speaker 3: of my first marriage still shows up sometimes in my body,
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: and I have done massive amounts of healing work, right,
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: Like I was just talking on our little let's blow
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: up our Bougie Boss and thrifty dimes account on TikTok.
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: It's got like one hundred follow and we are in
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: like one hundred view jail on that account. But I
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: just made a post yesterday about how I lost about
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: forty to fifty percent of my hair when Jared died,
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: and it was already thinning, right, but it just fell
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: out in like massive clumps, and every time he cheated
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: on me and I found out, I would lose a
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  Speaker 3: bunch of hair. So I have, like I don't even
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: know if I have twenty five percent of the hair
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  Speaker 3: that I had at one point in my life. And
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: of course aging and stuff, you know, has to do
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  Speaker 3: with that, but it has never come back. And so
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: trauma affects the body and it affects the brain, and
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  Speaker 3: some of it is not reversible. The brain is very
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: flexible and a lot of it is reversible. So I
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: don't want to, you know, be a Debbie Downer, but
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: like my hair's never come back, I have extensions and
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: right now, and of course i'm you know, I'm in
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: a I'm in a midlife crisis situation with my extensions. Yeah,
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: but what I want to tell people is like, look,
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  Speaker 3: it doesn't get any better. It does if they aren't
• 7:20
  Speaker 3: willing to work on it, and they aren't willing to
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  Speaker 3: come to the table and say, hey, I'm going to
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  Speaker 3: I take full accountability for xyz thing that has hurt you,
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  Speaker 3: and I want to do whatever it takes to change it.
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  Speaker 3: And you actually see them taking the steps to change.
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  Speaker 3: It's never going to change, yeap.
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  Speaker 2: It only gets worse.
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  Speaker 3: It only gets worse.
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  Speaker 2: I know you did.
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  Speaker 1: You did the thirty, Flirty and Panicking podcast and you
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  Speaker 1: guys talked a little bit about like the potential epidemic
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  Speaker 1: of like people when you're like, well, if I'm just
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: gonna wait it out because I see this really good
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: quality in them, and I think that maybe if like
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: once we were married or once we're engaged or whatever,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: then it'll get at her.
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I remember, this is so embarrassing to admit, but
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: this podcast is all about vulnerability, and this is so
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: embarrassing to admit. But I remember my husband cheating on me.
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: He kissed a girl at a bar and she called
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: me like I don't know how she got my number,
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: but she called me and told me for her on
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  Speaker 3: my first day as a professor at a new university,
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: like my first day driving in first day and I
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: get this phone call on the way that my husband
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: had gone out that weekend and I know he had
• 8:37
  Speaker 3: gone out with his friends. You when it's friends all
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: the time, red flag, right, And that she had made
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: out with my husband and that he wasn't wearing his
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: wedding ring. And then she found out that he was
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: married found me on Facebook. I think maybe one time
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  Speaker 3: I had my phone number on Facebook, right, like now
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  Speaker 3: those where the days go, And she called me and
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: told me, and I remember thinking to myself, oh my goodness,
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: we need to have another baby, because then maybe you
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: stopped cheating on me, Like are you kidding me? And
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: what did I do?
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  Speaker 2: You had another baby?
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  Speaker 3: I had another baby because I thought, well, if I
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: get pregnant, you know he was he was a better
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: husband when I was pregnant, and we actually, you know,
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: like that connection had more of a connection when I
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: was pregnant. So I just need to have another baby.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: I kind of remember subconsciously thinking those thoughts too, Like
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: I thought Paul will marry me if I would just
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: have another baby, like I kept like those were sort
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: of my thoughts. I don't remember actively ever maybe saying it,
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: but like deep in my subconscious I remember maybe thinking,
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: so I.
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: Wish I could go back. And I don't regret my
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: second child. My second child was meant to be here.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: She was a gift from God. She's precious, She's so precious.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: She's my spirit person.
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: She's absolutely right as spirit animal. She's just she's very
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: dynas spark, she's very sparkless. She's extra is the only
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: word to describe that child. Very extra.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and she's fun, She's so fun.
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: And so I don't regret it, but I regret the
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: mentality and I regret thinking ever that having a child
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: is going to fix a bad marriage. Having a child
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: puts more pressure on the marriage. It is strains a marriage.
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: Couples are literally the most miserable with young children. And
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: I'm not saying don't have children. It gets better.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you gotta have a healthy foundation.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: They have to have a healthy foundation to navigate the
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: sleepless nights, to navigate the toddler tantrums, to navigate being
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: worn out. You have to have a partner that's going
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: to be in it with you during the hard work
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: of parenting.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: Right, Like, you're obviously going to get snippy with each other.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: Being snippy with each other is one thing. Going out
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: and making out with a girl in a bar is
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: this different thing?
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  Speaker 3: Right? Well, I'm at home with our you know, four
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: year old or five year old or whatever I was,
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: you know, and I'm like, like I said, I have
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: so much embarrassment in middle that because the desperation freaked
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: at that point out of me. I mean, I would
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: have done anything to just make my marriage work. I
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: would have twisted myself into any kind of pretzel. And
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: I see this over and over and over again with
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: my clients. This is specifically a problem with the anxious,
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: preoccupied attachment. They are so focused on what do I
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: need to be to be loved? What do I need
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: to be to get my partner to give me attention
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: and affection. They are so heavily focused on what do
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: I need to be for someone else versus who do
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: I need to be for myself? And what does this
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: person need to be for me? There has to be
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: a balance there, right you meeting someone else's needs but
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: someone else being able to meet your needs and you
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: being able to meet your own needs as well inside
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: of a relationship. And when you drop all your boundaries
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: and standards and standards, you will get someone who performs
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: at whatever level of is at. That's what you're gonna get.
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: You teach people how to treat you. That's a doctor
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: phil quote. I don't want toe sued over that one.
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: You teach people how to treat you. And your low
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: standards are a form of disrespect to yourself and to
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: other people and enabling bad behavior, like I said, is
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: not love.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: So let's talk about what.
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: What this looks like or what even like?
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: What causes it?
• 12:22
  Speaker 4: Right?
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: What causes people to have those low standards, because, like
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: I think about.
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: Insecure attachments, I know, I'm just setting you up, girl,
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: like you know, it's volleyball, setting you up, because I
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: know we can.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: You know, she may or may not listen, but you know,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: we both have a beauty provider and I see her.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: She's so sweet and she's so beautiful, gorgeous, gorgeous. She
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: is a gorgeous person inside and out, inside and out,
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: and she does not.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: Give herself enough credit or the like she could have
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: anybody like I feel like she could have anybody does
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: she wanted good because she's that sweet, she's that successful,
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: she's that pretty, and her standards are so low.
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, they're like bottom level low.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: And so obviously would never say her name.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: We love her so much, But like, what causes you
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: to get there?
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: I mean in detail? Of course we know it's insecure test,
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: that's right.
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: So there's two attachment blueprints where this tends to happen
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: the anxious preoccupied, like I said, and this is that
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: is well, that's our friend's attachment style. And they have
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: the lowest standards because to them, abandonment is the worst
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: fear and that comes from intermittent reinforcement in childhood. So
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: let's break down intermittent reinforcement. I think maybe I've done
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: it before, but it's worth hearing it.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: It's always worth here, Okay.
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: So intermittent reinforcement is a concept that was coined by
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: BF Skinner, who is a very famous behaviorist psychologist in
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: the nineteen seventies. So in the nineteen seventies, behaviorism, which
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: is essentially the science of observing human behavior, was very
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: very popular. So we really got away from thinking about
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: thoughts and emotions, and we really kind of felt like
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: as a discipline, psychologist should be looking at behavior because
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: it's the only thing you can really observe, right, so
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: it's the only sort of objective truth. And so what
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: BF Skinner did is he put rats and pigeons in
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: these little boxes and that he built, and he called
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: them skinner boxes, and so you may have heard that
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: term before. And what he did was there was a
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: little lever inside the box. So let's pretend there's a
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: little rat, little rat in there, and the rat would
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: press the lever and a little food pellet would come out.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: And so the food pellet is a positive reinforcement, it's
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: a reward right. And so at first he made the
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: schedule of when the pellet would come out in terms
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: of the number of presses, and the time between the
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: press and the pellets really very predictable. So the rat
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: would learn, I just push the lever one time, pellet
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: comes out. Maybe next time it would be two times.
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: So I press it two times, it comes out. I
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: press it two times, it comes out. I press it
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: two times, it comes out. The rat obviously believe it
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: or not picked up on that fairly quickly, right, And
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: what did the rat do? He would just eat when
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: he was hungry. That's all he would do. When he
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: was hungry, he'd go press press, pellet came out, No
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: big deal. But then BF Skinner changed up the game
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: and he decided to see, well what happens when I
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: make it unpredictable, where it's not just two presses. It
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: could be one press, it could be four presses, it
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: could be ten presses, it could be eight presses, it
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: could be anything. Right, the rat became obsessed and addicted
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: to the lever. It literally would press the lever until
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: it's a little heart exploded. They would even say, you
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: could hear.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: A pop learnt this the heart would explode.
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: Isn't that sad? It is the guy right.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: All he wanted was some food animals for mos of it.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: No, they still has its own rat lab. I've been
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: in the rat lab. Yeah, And so he was like, oh,
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: and so he named that psychological concept intermittent reinforcement, which
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: means that the reinforcement, which is the pellet, is unpredictable.
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: It comes out intermittently. He also did it where the
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: time between the press and when the pellet came out
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: was unpredictable, so he did it with both time and
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: number of presses, so he sort of, you know, moved
• 16:32
  Speaker 3: the ball around a little bit. The same thing happened
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: right when it was unpredictable. In some way, the rat
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: became addicted. So we learned that intermittent reinforcement is the
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: primary psychological construct that underlies all addiction. Okay, and we
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: can become addicted to people. So if you think about gambling,
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: it's addictive. It's intermittent reinforcement. You bet, you win, you
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: bet you lose. That's sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Right, drugs,
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: you get high, you get low intermittent enforcement. Right, people
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: will give you intermittent reinforcement inside of relationships. So people
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: with anxious, preoccupied attachment got intermittent reinforcement of love, affection
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: and emotional attunement from their caregivers, which essentially looked like
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: having two parents that really loved you and really tried
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: that they were also really stressed out and distracted and
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: for a number of reasons, could because you had a
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: big family, could be you know, because your parent lost
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: their job. It could be a lot of things that happened, right,
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: and it was just inconsistent enough that the child developed
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: the sub subconscious imprint that sometimes I'm going to get
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: my needs met and then other times I'm abandoned and
• 17:43
  Speaker 3: my needs are not going to get met. So I
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: need to hyper focus on what I can do to
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: get my needs met to make it more consistent. Right,
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: because obviously I was good enough at the point in
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: time where my needs were met, and I wasn't good
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: enough when my needs weren't met. That's sort of what
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: gets imprinted, even though it has nothing to do with
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: them being good enough or not. The primary wound becomes
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: I am not good enough and I and the fear
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: is I will be abandoned, And so they tend to
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: seek out partners and we've talked about this, right that
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: reinforce your attachment. So they tend to seek out more
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: avoidant partners who are pros at intermittent reinforcement and breadcrumbing
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: and sometimes meeting your needs and then going away and
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: creating a push pull type of dynamic. And so they
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: become love addicts. They are literally addicted to other people,
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: and so much of their validation and so much of
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: their self worth comes from being inside of a relationship
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: knowing that they are loved is so much a part
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: of their identity, and they just become addicted to other people,
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: and so they are the most at risk for low
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: standards because they are the most boundaryless of.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: All the attarts over here breaking as we talk.
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: I know it is. It's very heartbreaking.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: This is my son. Just in case anyone's wondering.
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: And I'm not sure trying to.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: No, no, no, I'm not, I'm not, but you know,
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: but I know this why happen.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, you were high.
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: Because it can also happen when you have one very
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: emotionally available parent and one not emotionally available parent, because essentially,
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: it's like when you're with mom, your needs to get
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: met when you're a dad, they don't write that's intermittent reinforcement.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: And that's JP's I mean, that's been jp'st.
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: It has been right, and so you can't fault yourself
• 19:23
  Speaker 3: for that. No, at the end of the day, look,
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: if this was about choosing good partners, we are not
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: in we are not we're in business. They would not
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: be in business if we had chosen good people to
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: mate with.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: Right, yeah the first time?
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah, no, So so that is the that is the
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: attachment that is most at risk of this, okay, and
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: they are just hyper focused on what can I do
• 19:50
  Speaker 3: for my partner, What can I do, what can I be?
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: How can I make them happy? How can I love
• 19:55
  Speaker 3: them better? And they are just the rat that is
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: pressing the lever until their heart ex blows.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: And then they completely self abandoned. Self abandoned have very
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: little identity outside of the relationship are millions. They will
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: adapt to whatever their partner wants them to be. When
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: I see anxious preoccupieds, they will morph and change. If
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: their partners outdoors, then they will be outdoors y. If
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: their partner likes rap music, they'll like rap music.
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: You know. It's just like, well, whatever you need me
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: to be right, you know. And fearful avoidance can also
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: share some of these traits with the anxious preoccupied because
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: fearful avoidance have both an anxious and an avoidance side,
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: And we have fearfuls that are predisposed to be more
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: anxious or predisposed to be more avoidant like the DA
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: and so the fearfuls that lean anxious can can get
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: into that state as well, where they will be hyper
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: focused on partner, hyper focused on what can I do
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: to get them to love me? But they are a
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: little bit more willing to push back, yeah, than the
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: anxious preoccupied. The anxious preoccupied never pushes back, saying it never.
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: And that's when I have people that are like, what's
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: the difference between AP and FA, and I'm like, the
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: anxious will never push back. Anxious preoccupies almost never end
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: relationships unless it's so abusive and so bad that they're
• 21:20
  Speaker 3: literal safety is at risk. I mean, think about the
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: friends in your life. They're anxious preoccupied. They don't end
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: relationships unless it's bottom of the barrier, yea, like the
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: worst it could possibly get. Yep, we both know, yes, it.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: Is so sad, it's it's extremely hard.
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: But as an FA, I mean, gosh, look I put
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: up with ten years of ridiculousness, so the though too. Yeah.
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: But but the difference between the FA and the AP
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: is the fearful avoidant will push back and be like, no,
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: you can't do this to me, and they will argue
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: and they will fight, and they will try to hold
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: their boundaries. They're just more at risks for getting sucked
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: back in Like an I mean, how many times did you.
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: Impaul break up so many times, I can't come.
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: I left, Jared, I don't know how many times and
• 22:03
  Speaker 3: came back, like left like actually like started to try
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: to move out, yeah, and then came back.
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: I did move out and still went back.
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: The AP doesn't really do that. The AP just stays
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: there the whole time. Out just puts up with it again, right,
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: just pressing the lever. The f A will press the lever,
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: but then protest every now and again. You can push
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: back right and be like, no, I'm not pressing it anymore.
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: You yeah, right, I'm out. I'm out. And then and
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: then hover them back right, and then you get either
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: get sucked back in or the FA will change their mind,
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: get extremely anxious and push their way back in right,
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: so they are more likely to run and come back,
• 22:44
  Speaker 3: run and come back, run and come back, whereas the
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: or the AP just just stay stay right. Because the
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: FA didn't necessarily get a lot of intermittent reinforcement, some
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: did a little bit, and that's usually what tips them
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: more into the anxious side. But where the f A
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: wounds is really more around betrayal and fear of being
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: hurt and so abandonment sort of gets lumped into the betrayal, right,
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: like that's a betrayal, you know, whereas AP is like
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: I don't really care what you give me, I don't
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: really care how much you betray me. Just please don't
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: leave me, whereas the FA is like I really want you,
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: but I'm also terrified of being hurt by you, and
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna interpret everything you do as being hurtful as
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: well as picking partners that are pretty hurtful. That's their
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: achilles heel is the FA. They will choose very hurtful people.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: The fas are the most likely to get in relationships
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: with severe das are narcissists. And then if you're in
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: a relationship with a narcissist, it will beat you down.
• 23:41
  Speaker 3: You will get into a trauma bond that will beat
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: you down to where you just don't have it in
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: you to fight back anymore. I know I got into
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: a place like that.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I want to talk a little bit. It
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: would have been awesome to have like maybe an MD
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: for this episode, but like really about the physical ailments
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: and the nervous system dysregulation that these bonds or these
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: attachments calls. I mean, we touched a little bit about it,
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: but like just the long term effects in terms of
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: the nervous system.
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: We see a lot of disautonomia, and disautonomia is where
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: the autonomic nervous system you have to think autonomic, like automatic. Okay,
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: the autonomic nervous system controls like breathing, heart rate, sweating,
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: blood pressure, things like that. We see so much disautonomia
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: and I have. I have disautonomia, and it is still
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: not completely healed. It's much better, and it's it's well
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: controlled because I know how to regulate my nervous system
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: to partially control it. But also I would be lying
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: if I didn't say that I have to do a
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: like a lot of dietary things and things to also
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: control it, like I have to have a certain salt
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: intake every day or my blood pressure drops too low.
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: So what it does is.
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: I've seen her pass out because of it.
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, do you want it to?
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: Oh my goodness.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: Side story, we went to Palm We went to Palm Beach,
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: and I knew I knew that this had happened to
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: her before. I just never personally experienced it like Donald
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: obviously has it.
• 25:13
  Speaker 3: My husband should have. Just I forgot to remind you
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: sold a lot at night. Yeah, because when you're laying
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: down from standing.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: Right, it makes sense.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: So we were on a girls tripped Palm Beach, which
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: we highly recommend.
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: Palm Beach is amazing, Oh my gosh, so beautiful.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: This was the last spring and we had gone out
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: to a nice dinner. We'd had, you know, Sarah's like
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: one hundred and ten pounds suck of white people. So
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: we'd had a few drinks and we go back to
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: our little airbnb and we go to bed.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: Everything's fun. Well, it was an.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: Old building and so they had like a window unit
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: for the air condition and it got hot at night.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: So like I was getting up to adjust the air
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: conditioner and Sarah gets up to adjust. She's like, is
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: it hot in here? And I was like, yes, it's
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: really hot. And so we're like both over at the
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: air conditioner trying to adjust it.
• 26:01
  Speaker 5: And Sarah just passes out coal like wall like I'm
• 26:06
  Speaker 5: talking dead weight to the floor and I and it
• 26:11
  Speaker 5: was only like less than thirty seconds, but it felt
• 26:15
  Speaker 5: like an eternity.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: I panic. I'm like, oh, Sarah, baby, what's wrong, you know,
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: And I'm.
• 26:20
  Speaker 3: Just like, oh my god.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: I thought she was having like a seizure and so
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: and then she comes to and she's like, oh my gosh,
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: should I pass out?
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: And I was like, what is happen for me?
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: I'm like in tears and Sarah's like it's fine, it
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: happens all the time, like no big deal.
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: And I'm like and I'm sitting there like.
• 26:38
  Speaker 3: So, I have a condition that's a variation of what's
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: called POT syndrome, which is basically postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome.
• 26:50
  Speaker 3: I don't have the tachycardia, but I have the orthostatic
• 26:55
  Speaker 3: hypotension piece of diysautonomia. So essentially what ends up happening
• 26:59
  Speaker 3: it is there are blips with my blood pressure being
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: in circulation, being able to regulate itself, especially from alying
• 27:09
  Speaker 3: to standing position.
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: Does this correlate with the vestibular stuff?
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: It does? I mean it's all like it's all related
• 27:16
  Speaker 3: to stir right, Okay, So going back to what that is,
• 27:20
  Speaker 3: this autonomia is when your autonomic nervous system which controls
• 27:24
  Speaker 3: you going into fight flight freeze fon. So it is
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: it is what goes up into that threat response, right,
• 27:31
  Speaker 3: like increasing blood pressure in increasing heart rate you know,
• 27:36
  Speaker 3: stopping your digestion, sweating all of that stuff. Because your
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: nervous system has been called upon so much into that
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: fight or flight state, it's like it just freaking wears
• 27:49
  Speaker 3: out and it starts to run poorly. And I've done
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: a lot of vegus nerve work and it's so much
• 27:56
  Speaker 3: better than it was. I mean, passing out is like
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: a twice a year incident now instead of like an
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: every other day thing like it.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: Was ever experience.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: Yea, and it was frightening, I know, even though I
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: know now, at least I know now and that I.
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: Mean, honestly, I don't think I had ever been in
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: a safe space in my nervous system until I did
• 28:15
  Speaker 3: my healing work. I think because you know, when you
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: have a parent that yels at you a lot, or
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: you have a parent that's unpredictable, you're always in fight
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: or flight.
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: And then you go straight into a relationship.
• 28:24
  Speaker 3: That's right, into a relationship that is.
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: For you stay in it for you know, over a decade.
• 28:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, my nervous system was shot to shit.
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: I feel like my gut is just now healing all
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: my crap from all the.
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: Crap which you know, is this a place where we
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: can talk about armor. Yes, hey, let's do that, because
• 28:42
  Speaker 3: that is the thing that has helped my gut the most.
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: Is what is in my water right now, and it's
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: Armora colosstrum because a lot of what we see from
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: trauma are gut issues. That's like the first stop. Like you,
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: if you're at the gut issues, you're at the first
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: stop of trauma. Okay, let me tell you. It goes gut, skin, brain. Okay,
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: that's the order in whig organs. And yeah, it's going
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: to take from major organs emotions or energy. Fight or
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: flight takes energy. It will steal from your immune system,
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: it will steal from your endocrine system, it will screw
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: up your autonomic nervous system. And armor colostrum is colosstrum,
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: which is an like an immune modulator, I believe of
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: some sort. It boosts immunity essentially, and it really can
• 29:28
  Speaker 3: help prepare your gut. And I have seen so much
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: benefit in my gut.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: It's been a game changer.
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: When I'm consistent with it, I very much have less
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: gut issues and gut pain same and so thank you Armor.
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: We actually have a discount code because they are an
• 29:45
  Speaker 3: affiliate of this podcast, and that discount code is love doc,
• 29:48
  Speaker 3: So if you go to their website Armor dot com
• 29:51
  Speaker 3: and use code love doc, you will receive fifteen percent
• 29:54
  Speaker 3: off of your purchase. And I highly recommend the little
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: sticks that you can The little packets makes it so easy.
• 30:00
  Speaker 3: You just tear one open, poured in your water cup,
• 30:03
  Speaker 3: kind of stirred around a little bit, and it tastes.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: Have you tried the new flavor, which one Apricot?
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: No, I haven't. I've done the watermelon and the blood Worne.
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: Well the Apricots new. It just came out I think
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: last month, and it.
• 30:16
  Speaker 3: Is next for me to try.
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: Okay, so here here's a funny. Is it Apricot or Apricot?
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: I say Apricot.
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: I guess it's like tomato tomato.
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: I think it is.
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, But anyway, it's really really good. Try that new
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: If you have.
• 30:28
  Speaker 3: Been traumatized and you have gut problems, please try. We
• 30:33
  Speaker 3: love it. We're backing it. I told my husband that
• 30:37
  Speaker 3: hot people have tummy issues.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: It's because yeah, it's because they've been through so much trauma.
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: Much trauma. So if you have tummy issues, that must
• 30:46
  Speaker 3: mean you're pretty hot Yeah, so okay, so dis autonomia
• 30:50
  Speaker 3: for sure. Migraines are a disease of an overtax nervous system.
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: I think migrains are almost nearly solely caused by emotional trauma.
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: The medical community to get on board. People like Alan Gordon,
• 31:02
  Speaker 3: Nicole Sachs, researchers in this area of emotional suppression of
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: emotional trauma and its effect on the brain and the body,
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: have been demonstrating that migrains are caused by emotional trauma.
• 31:17
  Speaker 3: And a lot of people don't know they have emotional trauma.
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: They don't recognize it. I had a client the other
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: night in group who said, I don't recognize any childhood
• 31:27
  Speaker 3: trauma that I have, but I know I'm an FA.
• 31:29
  Speaker 3: I meet all of the criteria to be an FA.
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: And they said, the only thing I can think of
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: is my mom had an explosive temper.
• 31:36
  Speaker 4: And I'm like, yes, yes, that's scary. It's traumatic, and
• 31:41
  Speaker 4: it creates the child. Your system remembers being screamed at,
• 31:46
  Speaker 4: Your nervous system remembers feeling scared, right, and so those
• 31:51
  Speaker 4: imprints don't go away.
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: That's why I'm such an avid anti cry it out mom.
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: And I did cry it out with my oldie, and
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: I just I've had to forgive myself over it. But
• 32:03
  Speaker 3: they'll say, oh, your baby doesn't remember crying it out.
• 32:06
  Speaker 3: Their nervous system remembers. Their nervous system never forgets. And
• 32:09
  Speaker 3: we can see it on fMRI scans. We can see
• 32:11
  Speaker 3: that their brains change after they've been left alone to
• 32:13
  Speaker 3: cry it out in their crib. That is a trauma
• 32:15
  Speaker 3: to them. And so I am so like, I want
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: to just take on the baby sleep solution industry because
• 32:22
  Speaker 3: it's all cried out. You will not buy a baby
• 32:24
  Speaker 3: sleep solution book that does not, in some way, shape
• 32:26
  Speaker 3: or form, tell you to let your baby.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: There's so many like old medical beliefs that really, as
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: the world I think we have this new consciousness, they
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: just all need to be debunked.
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: All it's because so much of what I feel like
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: the medical industry tries to treat, they try to treat
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: things separately, right, yes, and when.
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: Really it's it's the psycho model. It's all connected, right,
• 32:56
  Speaker 3: the model that medical professionals should be on board with,
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: which is what they claim to push, but they don't
• 33:05
  Speaker 3: know how to push it because they're not taught about.
• 33:06
  Speaker 3: It really is the biopsychosocial model of health. So there's
• 33:09
  Speaker 3: this triangle between our body and our brain and our
• 33:14
  Speaker 3: social relationships, and they are all reciprocal, right, And we
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: have hundreds of thousands of research studies to show that
• 33:22
  Speaker 3: our body affects our mind, Our mind affects our body,
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: our mind affects our social relationships, our social relationships affect
• 33:28
  Speaker 3: our mind, our social relationships affect our body. Our body
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: and our chronic illness can affect how we socialize with
• 33:33
  Speaker 3: other people, never ending reciprocal triangle, right, It's like a
• 33:39
  Speaker 3: triangulated relationship that just goes back and forth between all
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: three points or among I should say all three points.
• 33:45
  Speaker 3: And so we see dysautonomia, we see migrains, we see autoimmunity.
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: Why because suppressed emotions or emotions that are allowed to
• 33:55
  Speaker 3: run wild, unchecked, without going through complete emotional processing cycles
• 33:59
  Speaker 3: in the brain will steal energy from the immune system.
• 34:01
  Speaker 3: That's the first place that will steal from we Actually,
• 34:04
  Speaker 3: when I was at the University of Kentucky and I
• 34:06
  Speaker 3: was working with Suzanne Segerstrom, who is a pioneer in
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: the field, I mean, one of the top people in
• 34:12
  Speaker 3: the field of psychooneuroimmunology, and they did these studies where
• 34:18
  Speaker 3: they would put people under stress and they would look
• 34:22
  Speaker 3: and then they would give them alcohol, and they would
• 34:24
  Speaker 3: look at things like the liver function and the immune
• 34:27
  Speaker 3: function and all of this stuff. And where stress would
• 34:30
  Speaker 3: steal from is insane. It would always steal from the
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: immune system first, and it would skew it towards either
• 34:36
  Speaker 3: autoimmunity or auto inflammation. And so it's you know, there's
• 34:42
  Speaker 3: always a stress component to sow. I think every autoimmune
• 34:46
  Speaker 3: illness has a stress component. I'm not saying every autoimmune
• 34:49
  Speaker 3: illness is one hundred percent caused by stress. Of course
• 34:51
  Speaker 3: we have genetic predispositions, we have environmental factors. But I
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: think it's a necessary condition. Like if that stress wasn't there,
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: you wouldn't have the you wouldn't have it, it wouldn't.
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: Be or would it have sent you over the edge.
• 35:02
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: I think one time you.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: Described it so clear for me specifically at this time
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: when we first became friends. But you said that, you know,
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: we all have like this internal bucket. Yeah, we do that,
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: you know, over time gets filled and some people little bucket, right,
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: and some people have a medium size and some people
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: have a big bucket, and that you know, your genetic disposition,
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: you know, has something to do with that.
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: And as that bucket gets filled with whatever.
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: Environmental toxins or you know, emotional trauma, it starts to overflow.
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: And that's when we see these things come about, right,
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: you know, like vestibular migraine or you know, skin issues.
• 35:40
  Speaker 3: Right, And I just want to do a little peep
• 35:43
  Speaker 3: in here about vestibular migraine awareness because if there's so
• 35:46
  Speaker 3: little awareness that and it is such a devastating life
• 35:50
  Speaker 3: altering disorder, disease, I think it's a disease. I don't
• 35:54
  Speaker 3: know the difference between like if it's a disease or disease.
• 35:57
  Speaker 2: Means does these mean chronic?
• 35:58
  Speaker 3: No, not necessarily, there's different criteria between a disorder and
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: a disease. But essentially vestibular migraine is a very rare
• 36:08
  Speaker 3: but also chronic form of migraine. So where most people
• 36:11
  Speaker 3: think about migraines, that think about light sensitivity, nausea, headache,
• 36:15
  Speaker 3: And I just need to lay in a dark room
• 36:16
  Speaker 3: and I need to take some eccedron and then I'll
• 36:18
  Speaker 3: be okay. I could have only hoped had I would
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: have given my right arm to have that. What I
• 36:25
  Speaker 3: had was twenty four seven three sixty five dizziness, lack
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: of balance. My vision was fuzzy, my ears would ring,
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: and then sometimes it would progress some more debilitating pain
• 36:41
  Speaker 3: down my neck so I could not see.
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: You said, your head always felt really like heavy.
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: It felt like my head was weighed a million pounds,
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: like I was whold, Like it was like everything I
• 36:51
  Speaker 3: could do just to hold my head up on my body.
• 36:53
  Speaker 3: And that persisted for eight months. I remember, and I thought,
• 36:58
  Speaker 3: I mean, I was like I'm gonna have go on
• 36:59
  Speaker 3: distability and like I can't even care for my kids,
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: and like my life is over. Like I one hundred
• 37:03
  Speaker 3: percent because I read this book, and I wish I
• 37:06
  Speaker 3: remember what book it was, because I would really like
• 37:07
  Speaker 3: to show up at that person's doorstep and give them
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: a very stern talking to. Yeah, because it scared the
• 37:14
  Speaker 3: crap out of me. Essentially, what we see and that
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: a level of emotional trauma that would cause something like
• 37:19
  Speaker 3: vestibular migraine is what's called central sensitization, which is where
• 37:24
  Speaker 3: your brain becomes so hyper sensitive because it's had so
• 37:29
  Speaker 3: much trauma okay, and trauma like it. It shrinks the
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: actual matter of the hippocampus, It enlarges the amigdala, like
• 37:38
  Speaker 3: the structures of our brain change with emotional trauma, right,
• 37:42
  Speaker 3: And so the brain has become so sensitized because of
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: being pulled into fight or flight so much that normal
• 37:50
  Speaker 3: ordinary stimuli like normal lights in a room, normal sound
• 37:55
  Speaker 3: will essentially downstream create this downstream effect of over dilating
• 38:04
  Speaker 3: the vessels in your brain, which is what migraines are.
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: The vessels are over dilating. While why do they over
• 38:09
  Speaker 3: dialate histamine? Well, why is histamine, you know, released? Because
• 38:15
  Speaker 3: histamine and your mass cells are sort of like your
• 38:19
  Speaker 3: line of defense for the immune system to help protect
• 38:22
  Speaker 3: you when things come in. They like kind of check
• 38:23
  Speaker 3: things at the door, like is this safe to kind
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: of come through the skin or to be digested? Right,
• 38:28
  Speaker 3: and the mass tells start getting signaled that everything is
• 38:31
  Speaker 3: a danger. So essentially you kind of become allergic to
• 38:34
  Speaker 3: absolutely everything. And so I was allergic to everything but
• 38:39
  Speaker 3: like five foods because I would have massive, massive gut
• 38:44
  Speaker 3: and skin issues. My skin felt like I was living
• 38:47
  Speaker 3: in a suit of sandpaper. This was after my ex died,
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: and my mom had cancer, and my dog died, and
• 38:52
  Speaker 3: my da boyfriend left the scene.
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: I mean her bucket was full. My bucket, it was
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: flowing over and not in a good way.
• 39:00
  Speaker 3: It was being hit by niagara falls. Okay, And remember
• 39:04
  Speaker 3: how I was like, and you were like, I have
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: the sandpaper skin. I'm itchy too, and I was.
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: Like, okay, everything itched me and I would break out
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: and high. Now I never had the vestibular migraine. I
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: never went to that level. Yeah, but I've come closed
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: like I've always had, Like I don't like overhead lights,
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: like I have super I'm super sensitive to smells and
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: you know sound and these bloodhound yes, and I mean
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: I can I'm so sense I.
• 39:26
  Speaker 3: Don't even wear perfume around me.
• 39:28
  Speaker 4: I can't.
• 39:28
  Speaker 3: I don't because I love you.
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: I appreciate that.
• 39:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you're welcome.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: I've gotten mad at my husband for spraying clone before
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: and he's like, my bad.
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: I'm like, you know this.
• 39:37
  Speaker 4: I know.
• 39:37
  Speaker 3: I just don't like it and I feel naked without it.
• 39:40
  Speaker 3: But I just don't wear it around you because I know,
• 39:41
  Speaker 3: like you will smell me amount and I'll be like
• 39:43
  Speaker 3: I made one spray.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: I can't do it, and you're like, I can smell it,
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: and then it'll give me a headache, and then I'll
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: feel almost closerphobic, like I'm suffocating.
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just that you know that allergic.
• 39:51
  Speaker 3: Response, it's central sensitivity.
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 39:53
  Speaker 3: And so normal stimuli start to become too much for
• 39:58
  Speaker 3: the brain to handle and for the immune system to handle,
• 40:01
  Speaker 3: so it can really hurt. It can really be an
• 40:03
  Speaker 3: immune thing, it can be a brain thing. It's all connected.
• 40:07
  Speaker 3: Histamine rises as serotonin lowers, and so the more emotional
• 40:11
  Speaker 3: trauma you have, you steal from your serotonin reserves. That's
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: why SSRIs are a very good treatment. And as much
• 40:19
  Speaker 3: as I hate drugs, guys, I hate medications, I hate them,
• 40:22
  Speaker 3: but they do play a role in people's lives to
• 40:25
  Speaker 3: help them through things that they can't. Whether they be
• 40:29
  Speaker 3: a bridge, yeah, they're bridge, I mean, and sometimes they
• 40:32
  Speaker 3: can be life saving. And so I very much changed
• 40:36
  Speaker 3: my position. I used to be one hundred percent anti medication,
• 40:38
  Speaker 3: and I suffered really, really long time, and I introduced
• 40:42
  Speaker 3: some medication to start recovering from migraine so I could
• 40:45
  Speaker 3: get back on my feet. And I needed that. I
• 40:48
  Speaker 3: needed that, And it will shame there no shame there,
• 40:52
  Speaker 3: and it was a great bridge. And I want people
• 40:56
  Speaker 3: to know that if you suffer from feeling like you're
• 41:00
  Speaker 3: walking on a trampoline or that you're just unsteady, it's
• 41:02
  Speaker 3: not like vertigo. So it's really hard to describe because
• 41:05
  Speaker 3: everybody'd be like, well, is it vertigo or you spend.
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: Vertigo is like a step lower than vestibular, Like the
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: vertigo also has something to do with your vestibular system,
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: but not to that level.
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, because I was at the level where my
• 41:17
  Speaker 3: vision I couldn't focus my vision, you know, like I
• 41:23
  Speaker 3: can function, honey, I could not function, couldn't function. I
• 41:26
  Speaker 3: could not function at all.
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 41:28
  Speaker 3: And I I mean I was really like one ace
• 41:31
  Speaker 3: away from suicide.
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I mean this is all of course, we're
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: back to the top of your hand where I think
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: it's important to bring shed light on on these things.
• 41:41
  Speaker 3: The high cost of low standards. Yes, yes, this was
• 41:44
  Speaker 3: a high cost of having low standards. I could have
• 41:49
  Speaker 3: left my husband the first time he cheated on me.
• 41:51
  Speaker 3: I could have left my husband the first time he
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: screamed at me or got drunk and put a hole
• 41:56
  Speaker 3: in the wall. I could have stopped having babies with him.
• 41:59
  Speaker 3: But like again, like I said, I just my second
• 42:02
  Speaker 3: daughter was meant to be here, but it did bond
• 42:05
  Speaker 3: me further and attach me further and make me want
• 42:07
  Speaker 3: to stay longer. It wasn't, in terms of my health,
• 42:11
  Speaker 3: the best decision, but I would never take it back.
• 42:13
  Speaker 3: I wouldn't do it again. And so that's a hard like,
• 42:16
  Speaker 3: that's a hard thing to reconcile. But what I'm saying
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: is that these are the high cost of low standards.
• 42:22
  Speaker 3: It is not just I'm sad in a relationship or
• 42:26
  Speaker 3: I'm depressed or I'm anxious. This is about wrecking your
• 42:30
  Speaker 3: nervous system and your health and your health, not just
• 42:33
  Speaker 3: your mental health but your physical health.
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and bringing you know, early onset of disease.
• 42:37
  Speaker 3: Yes, oh my gosh, dementia, community cancer. We have oodles
• 42:43
  Speaker 3: and noodles and noodles of research to support what I'm saying.
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think I think it would be extremely
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: you know, valuable to our listeners to you know, find
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: an MD that could come. I mean, you are so
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: knowledgeable and like, yeah, you know lots of big words,
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: and I'm always like.
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: How do you even know that?
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: But I mean bringing in an MD, who who knows
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: about this on a deeper level, I think would be
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: very valuable to Alistair and I think.
• 43:08
  Speaker 3: That's something we're gonna do. So just to wrap this up,
• 43:12
  Speaker 3: you have to be able to face the pain of
• 43:14
  Speaker 3: detachment to save yourself. Yes, And I help people every
• 43:18
  Speaker 3: day get to a point where they can face and
• 43:20
  Speaker 3: process the pain of detachment. And it could save your life.
• 43:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 43:24
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 43:25
  Speaker 3: And so love yourself enough to face the pain of detachment,
• 43:30
  Speaker 3: love yourself enough more than you fear a detachment, love
• 43:33
  Speaker 3: yourself more than you fear the detachment. Yeah, And I
• 43:35
  Speaker 3: think that's we'll wrap.
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: It up there. Your life literally depends on it depends
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: on it.
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: And so if you are stuck in this place where
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: you're feeling, you know, not your best right physically, mentally, emotionally,
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: maybe you can relate to some of the ailments that
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: we've talked about today, it might be time to seek intervention. Yes,
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: And doctor Hensley has wonderful reviews that speak for themselves,
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: so please go to her website at the lovedoc dot com,
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: check out her services. While you're there, read some of
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: the testimonials, and please continue to tune into this podcast.
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: We want to bring you guys so much more knowledge
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: and information and just shed so much light on what
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: we can all do collectively as a human race, on
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: how to help ourselves with the emotional trauma that we experience,
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: because obviously life traumatizes us all and it's just how
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: we heal from it that is our responsibility and that
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: is our mission and our goal. Yeah, and that's what
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: we're trying to do with this podcast, So please continue
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: to tune in, like, commently comment. We love you guys
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: so much and are just so appreciative. And until next time, peace, love,
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: and perspective.