Latest / Internal Insights / What Is Self Esteem, and Why Does It Feel So Fragile?
Transcript
- Ted Thao: Hey, I'm Ted Thao This is Internal Insights. I'm a licensed professional counselor, which means I spend most of my weeks listening closely to people work through the hardest parts of being alive. This podcast is where I take what I'm hearing without any names or identifying details and open it up into a conversation for anyone willing to think a little harder about themselves and the world around them. Somewhere between childhood and the first time we compared ourselves to someone, a lot of us quietly decided we weren't enough. That verdict tends to run in the background of everything else we do. So let's start with what self esteem actually is. Psychologists describe it as an overall sense we carry about our own worth. The quiet verdict we give ourselves on whether we're basically an okay person. It isn't the same as confidence, which is more about whether we believe we can handle in one specific thing. You can be a confident cook and still feel like a fraud at a dinner party. Self-esteem sits underneath all of that. It shapes how we take feedback, how we get through a rough day, and whether a mistake feels like something we did or something we are. Researchers have been studying this for a long time, and what they found surprised a lot of people. For years, there was a popular belief that if we can boost self-esteem, everything else would fall into place. Schools even ran programs built on that idea. When researchers looked more closely, the picture was messier. Feeling good about yourself didn't reliably cause better grades or better relationships on its own. What seemed to matter more was whether that good feeling was steady or fragile. Self esteem that depends on winning, being liked, or never making a mistake tends to wobble every time life gets hard. A steadier, more modest kind holds up much better. That's where self compassion comes in. The psychologist Christian Neffe. describes it as treating yourself the way you'd treat a good friend who is going through something hard. It has a few parts being kind to yourself when things go wrong, remembering that other people struggle too, and noticing painful thoughts without getting swallowed by them. A lot of people hear that and think it sounds soft. Litting like letting yourself off the hook. But researchers point to a different direction. People who practice self-compassion tend to own their mistakes and they bounce back from setbacks more easily than people who beat themselves up. Studies of comparisons focused therapists found they help with compassion. This is usually the point where someone starts to wonder something out loud. How do I stop not feeling good when things are going well? Here's what I usually tell people. First, notice the voice. Most of us have an inner critic that runs a constant commentary on everything we do. And it's often far harsher than we'd ever be with someone we love. You don't have to argue with that voice. You don't have to pump yourself up with big statements about how amazing you are. For a lot of people who already feel low, those statements ring hollow and can even make things feel worse. Try a simpler question instead. What would I say to a friend who just had this exact kind of day? Then say that quietly to yourself. Second, when something good happens, Let it land for a few seconds rather than rushing on to the next task or explaining it away as luck. That small pause is how a stealier sense of worth gets built. One piece of evidence at a time. It takes practice and it's normal for the old critic to show up for a while. It doesn't mean you're falling or failing at this. It means you're learning a new habit in place of the one that used to be. Tonight, try naming one thing that you handled well today, even if it was small. Try not to inflate yourself. Just notice that it's there. Your worth doesn't have to be earned again by tomorrow morning. That's where I'll leave it for today. You don't have to agree with everything I said, but I'd invite you to sit with it a little longer before you move on to whatever is next. I'm Ted Thao this has been Internal Insights. And if you want to learn more about my work, you can find me at internal insights therapy dot com. Take care, and I'll talk to you next time.