Latest / QUESTION EVERYTHING / Heartbreak: Unpacking The Pain + Learning From It: with Tefi Pessoa

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Heartbreak: Unpacking The Pain + Learning From It: with Tefi Pessoa · QUESTION EVERYTHING

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Big things happen when you're pretty, pretty bold, pretty clever,
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: pretty strong. I'm Danielle Robe and each week my guests
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: and I have conversations that put a new spin on pretty.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: This is pretty smart, just like.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: Today that I'm nut Today I thought forever said I
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: got your love, But that'll last when that first quod out,
• 0:29
  Speaker 2: like will you walked up my life?
• 0:31
  Speaker 3: Why you walk out my life?
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: Today we are talking about heartbreak, just in time for
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Valentine's Day, right. I think there's a few different kinds
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: of heartbreak. There's family heartbreak. Someone you love passing can
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: cause heartbreak. There's romantic heartbreak. Sometimes you can even break
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: your own heart. The first time I was really really
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: heartbroken was when I was twenty eight. I've had boyfriends
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: who hurt me in the past, or I've had family stuff.
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: This was different.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: This was utter heartbreak. I couldn't decide which hurt more,
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: going to bed at night or waking up in the morning.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: I think it was the morning because I would wake
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: up and realize it all wasn't a dream and this
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: was actually my life. Or worse, I woke up exhausted
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: because he had been in my dreams. It sent me
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: into what I look back on now as acute depression.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: I didn't know it at the time, and it wasn't
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: really only the breakup, to be honest, It was a
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: confluence of unfortunate events, that being one of them, and
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: a big one, But it was also how the breakup
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: was done. It was like I had dated one person
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: and been dumped by a totally different person. There was
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: no respect, no care, lots of insecurity and projection which
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: I didn't see in him at the time, and then
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: I found out about cheating stuff after the fact.
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: It was a mess.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: Some of my friends would say to me, it's okay,
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: like you can't trust him or you lost trust. It's
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: only one person. But the truth was it was so
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: much worse because I lost trust in my own instincts.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: How did I not see all of this stuff? I
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: still look back on it and wonder how. It's a
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: longer story for another podcast or honestly, maybe a book,
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: but the heartbreak did something incredible for me. It changed
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: me forever. It's no coincidence that so many of the
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: world's best selling records are tethered by feelings of heartbreak.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: It's a universal experience. There's sad songs like Adele's someone
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: Like You.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: Amma, sometimes Salus but sometimes it is.
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: Since the.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: Boys to Men's End of the Road had an epic
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: run on the Billboard charts.
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: Time. Or how about a more recent song by Frank
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: oshin I Will Always Love You? How I do?
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Let go a prayer for.
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: Just a sweet one.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: The table is prepared.
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: For That song always makes me cry.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: Do not play that song on Spotify for me, because
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: tears will be shed. But there's also some empowering songs
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: about heartbreaking.
• 4:00
  Speaker 4: Love blast That's not what I ses, Look what I got,
• 4:07
  Speaker 4: Look what you told me?
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah, more than I like you. It's last Thank you,
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: you must, you must.
• 4:19
  Speaker 4: I haven't heard it.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: And I'm back.
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: Help me here and let its pay bad You must,
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: you must. This is a personal favorite.
• 4:36
  Speaker 4: Didn't they hold out but you came home around three
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: six yard one out? Then four of you are cheap? Yeah,
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: because only two of you had dinner? Found a credit
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: cop seed. It's not fine, but foolkay backy way that bad?
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: Don't June that one?
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: June? I love that line.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: If six of you went out, then four of you
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: were really cheap because only two of you had dinner.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: I found your credit card receipt so good. When I
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: think about heartbreak, I always think about this quote from
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: author Elizabeth Gilbert. She wrote, the only guarantee if you
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: live a brave life is you're going to experience heartbreak.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: But it allows you to understand humanity in a way
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: you couldn't before having a broken heart. It means we've
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: tried for something. Glennon Doyle writes something similar and Love Warrior.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: She says, I loved well, and this is the receipt
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: that I paid.
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: The price.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Getting through heartbreak is something you should feel really proud of.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: The word crisis comes from the Greek root. It means
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: to separate or to sift. There's an opportunity in every crisis,
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: and the deeper the crisis, the better the opportunity can be.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Heartbreak is a perfect time to sift, so only the
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: important remains. And when you're in the think of it,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: that's the last thing you want to hear. You don't
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: want to hear that you're going to be grateful for
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: this time, because all it does is hurt. But when
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: I tell you I am so grateful for my heartbreak,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: I mean it. That pain forced me to dig really
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: deep within myself to ask a lot of tough questions
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: and come to terms with even tougher answers. It broke
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: me down, but ultimately I built myself back up and
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: that gave me incredible confidence for the road ahead. Because
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: once you've been through something hard, you know you can
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: handle the hard stuff ahead. So instead of trying to
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: get around it, we're going through it today with our guest,
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Tefi Pesoa. You might already be a member of Teffi's
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: TikTok community, which is where she gives thoughtful and heartfelt
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: advice to her one point six million followers. Tuffy's become
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: a sort of confidant about pop culture, love, mental health,
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: and heartbreak. The internet has deemed her their best friend,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: and after our conversation, I understand why. So today we
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: are diving into the deep pain of heartbreak or unpacking it,
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: accepting it, and ultimately learning from it. Okay, so before
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: we jump into heartbreak, I need to know about your upbringing,
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: who you were as a kid, where you grew up,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: all the things.
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: So I grew up in Miami, small town. Not a
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: lot happening there. It's only happened like once or twice
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: I people were like, oh, Miami, Ohio. I'm like, no, No, Miami, Florida.
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: And I think growing up there really kind of like
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: truly molded me as a person in a way where
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: I don't think people realize, because when people ask me
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: about like being Latina, I'm like, you don't understand, like
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: you come from a place. I kind of compare it
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: to like when you see your teachers at the supermarket
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: and you're like, what are you doing here? Get back
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: home to school? You live there. So like for Miami,
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: I was like, this is the whole that was my
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: whole world. So I thought that the percentage of Latin
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: people that was like all over the world. And so
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: when I think about, you know, things I've experienced or
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: like whether it be an anger, pride, disappointment, heartbreak, joy,
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: I've only experienced it around and with Latin people. I
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: just feel like growing up in Miami, there's a reason
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: there are so many Cuban people. There's a reason there's
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: so many Haitian people. There's a reason there's a lot
• 8:52
  Speaker 3: of Guatemalan people. There's a reason there's a lot of
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: Venezuelan people. So you're around a lot of people who
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: have the courage to starting it. And I think that
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: really was something really influential to me too, because the
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: idea of starting over again and getting up again was
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: not foreign to me, you know what I mean. So
• 9:12
  Speaker 3: there's a courage there, and there's a there's a sense
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: of I can do it too that I grew up around.
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: That I think definitely influenced me more than I realized
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: as a kid. You know, I love that so much.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: As I was watching your videos and reading your tweets.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: You are so comfortable with your feelings. Yeah, and it
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: actually like pushes up against my fears in some way
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: because I come from a family where they're not so
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: comfortable with feelings. It's the exact opposite. And I look
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: at you with simultaneous admiration and fright me too.
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: It's amazing, Like, so, is it it's just natural for you? Yeah?
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: I don't think it's it's natural. The way that I
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: approach things. I think it's because because I was the
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: oldest and my parents broke up when I was like
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: in second grade. They immediately my mom immediately put me
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: into therapy, and she put us all into therapy. But
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: I think maybe I was the oldest that I like,
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: I took to it. When it came to feelings, I
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: realized that, like my feelings were getting hurt a lot
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: as a kid, the only way to make me feel
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: better was if I understood what somebody meant by that.
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: And through like years going by, I understood that if
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: I could get them to tell me what they meant
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: in a way where they felt safe with me, that
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: I would be able to navigate things better. And it
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: started really really young for me, like really young, Like
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: I remember being in fifth grade and being like, I
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: know sometimes we get scared, but why did you scream
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: at me during heads up seven up?
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: So when you're in relationship, do you find yourself making
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: excuses for your partner because you're really understanding where they're
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: coming from.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: No, I've had people be like, not everything has to
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: be such a deep dive. I'm the same people see
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: me like everything not everything has to be such a
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: deep dive, And for me, I'm just like, but you
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: don't understand. If I don't understand, then I have to
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: accept that you're an asshole. I don't know your why.
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: I don't know why, and you have to tell me
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: your why, because if you don't tell me your why.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: I have to accept that I've wasted a year on
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: an asshole. It's only with age that I realized everybody
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: has a why, but not everybody like shit. So that
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: was really fucked up for me to think about. For
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: a while. I was like, why would you come to
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: that truth, Teffy? And I was like, I don't know.
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: I'm really pissing myself off. But a lot of people
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: have Nobody has a perfect story, right, Like, everybody has
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: their issues, Like everybody has something in their lives that
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: molded them, whether they liked it or not. We've all
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: had terrible things. But I don't think I would ever
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: be able to hurt somebody in the way that other
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: people have chosen to like hurt me, you know what
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: I mean. That's a really hard thing to accept. Yeah.
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: I think also something that young people think, and I
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: wish I could shake it out of them. What do
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: you mean that you'll be the lesson and they'll treat
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: the next person better. It is such a farce. It
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: is such a lie. Yeah, there is one thing in
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: a person that I believe is like a stain. It's
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: like bleach on clothing, And no matter how much time
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: has passed, that will always remain, especially the longer it's
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: left to like fester. If you meet a man in
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: their late twenties early thirties, that is selfish. You're looking
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: at a selfish man. What age do you think that's?
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Because I agree with you, but I think when you're young, young,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: like eighteen nineteen, people are still growing into themselves. I
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: think if you meet a man at thirty five, that's selfish.
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: He is who he is. That is it that person
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: is downloading. I want to say, because of the the
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: brain development from a biological point of view, maybe twenty five.
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: But if I met an agily young, it's really young.
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: But that's when your friendtal lobe stops developing, right that
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: I know. I googled it.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: I had like the breakup that like obliterated my heart,
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: and I've learned through therapy it was really more about
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: like the breakup, it wasn't so much him, It was
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: like it broke It brought up a lot of inner
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: child stuff for me that I hadn't known or worked on.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: But that breakup, he started dating a person living in
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: my building, which was wild.
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: Out of all the fucking people, out of all the
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: and I live in like a small building. It was
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: so I don't know. I literally say that. I'm like,
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: there are so many people in the world. I don't know,
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: you couldn't have picked one of them.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Pick why in my sixteen person unit did you pick her?
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: It was like a little too coincidental, but whatever. So
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: the point is I said to my therapist, like, she
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: seems like I've seen her in the elevator. She actually
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: seems like young and really nice, Like I hope it
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: changes for her. And my therapist was like, don't count
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: on that.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: I was like, what do you mean.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: Maybe it was me, Maybe we brought out, you know,
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: bad things in each other. And she was like, she
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: just accepts whatever limitations he had her. Her limitations match
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: up with his limitations.
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: It just works for her. But nothing has changed. I
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: was like, I always say that. I always say, like
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: whenever I see somebody with like a younger person or
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: a person least experienced, I'm like, it would take them.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: Like I always think about people who are with these
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: like older stars, Right, there's a reason they go for
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: these like twenty two year olds. One they won't say,
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: oh my god, you have a fucking drinking problem. It
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: is nine in the morning, where the fuck are you drinking? Like,
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: why are you putting whiskey in your fuck and coffee?
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: A nineteen year old three year old goes, he's so spontaneous,
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: he's so fun and doesn't have enough experience to know
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: that that's not right. That's not right, because if they
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: did it when you said like, eighteen nineteen year olds
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: are selfish, if I met an eighteen nineteen year old
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: that wasn't, I would be so concerned. There is a
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: there's a time in your life to be so selfish.
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: But I feel like with a partner, there's a difference
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: between being selfish and taking advantage or not suffering consequences.
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: So being selfish, for example, you could have a boyfriend
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: of a year in college, but I hope you go
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: to that study abroad in Barcelona. That's selfish of you.
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: You're not thinking of other people. You're thinking of yourself,
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: and that's important. That's important, you know what I mean.
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: I think there's a part of me that sees a
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: little selfishness in other people, and I recognize it because
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: of it within myself. I just don't think. I think
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: as I get older, I'm starting to differentiate the kind
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: of selfishness that I'm looking for, and the kind of
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: selfishness that I'm looking for is for your own personal development,
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean. And your peace of mind,
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean. Like if I invite you
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: to a party and you're like, no, I got to
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: take care of myself. I have an early class tomorrow
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: and I want to take care of me. Fine, be
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: a stick in the mud whatever. I'll see you on Friday.
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: But if it's something where it's like I if you're
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: a man and I buy you a dress shirt and
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: then you go on a date wearing it behind my
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: back with somebody like that is a selfishness that like
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: I can't unteach you. And I've had many exes that
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: I've taken back. I'm never somebody to not give somebody
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: a second chance, you know, Like I think that idea
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: of like now he's going to be the person that
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: I've always wanted him to be for somebody else has
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: like plagued me a lot. And it's funny because they
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: may have sworn up and down that they are different,
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: and I might see some real differences. Maybe this person
• 16:55
  Speaker 3: doesn't party anymore. Maybe this person doesn't drink anymore. Maybe
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: this person you know has proven to me time and
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: time again they deleted their dating apps, whatever the fuck
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: it is, you know, But there are certain ways that
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: like selfishness creeps up in ways that you could never erase,
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: like like coming home with food and not asking you
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: what you wanted. Oh you know what I mean. It
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: looks like a bomb. It's abominable, Yeah it is, mom, Yeah,
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: Or like I talked about it on TikTok, like ordering
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: food for everybody, like for you and him, and then
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: like them not cleaning up and being okay with your
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: place being a mess, Like there are little things that
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: I'm like, it's too deep rooted. Or and I've had
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: friends also tell me like, oh my god, but like
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: he's going to be this person, and I was like,
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: you know, he might be terrible, but he deserves to
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: be with somebody. Let's say he does change. He deserves
• 17:48
  Speaker 3: to be with somebody that'll see him with fresh eyes.
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: And you don't respect him anymore. You mom him, but
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: you don't respect him. And I don't know if it's
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: worth the paranoia of it, because for the rest of
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: your life you're going to be wondering who is he
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: at dinner with? Did he go to dinner? Why didn't
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: he text me good night? Who is he with? Like
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: those things are not worth it? So he could change,
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: but he ruined it. It's you know what I mean,
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: Like it doesn't matter.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Well, I want to ask you actually about you just
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: said you mom meet him, I give my mommy everybody.
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: I mean, it's something that I've seen you talk about
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: a lot you've said. I want to read the exact thing.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: It says one of your deep posts on TikTok, you wrote,
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: women are forced to face themselves, They're forced to parent
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: their partners, and you feel like that's actually why a
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: lot of your past partners have resented you.
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I want to understand better what you mean. I
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: think there is a moment in time where men think
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: I want a woman just like my mom. I think
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: that they almost all do subconsciously. Yeah, even IF's a hater,
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: Even if a hater, it's just a case of familiarity.
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: Like maybe how people say, like you find your father
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: and everyone. I don't know if that's necessarily true, but
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: there are traits about my dad that I definitely look for.
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: Don't You would never have to babysit my dad, for example,
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: at a party, like you can leave him to do
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: his own thing, and people come back and they're like, what,
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: he's so funny, you know what I mean? Like, my
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: dad's that kind of guy. So I do look for
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: that in other people. But I feel like there will
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: always be a sense of she'll take care of it.
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: And I feel like when I start, especially at a
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: young age, if you start dating really young, you find
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: yourself kind of falling into that, saying like how much
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: Look how much easier your life could be if I
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: was with you, Like, look how comfortable you are. And
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: what I didn't realize is that men didn't see that
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: as like, oh, I have to take care of this.
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: Men saw that as a starting point where it's like,
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: oh I don't even have to try, and look how
• 19:52
  Speaker 3: good she is to me. Like, men did not see
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: that as something that they had to, like, something precious
• 19:59
  Speaker 3: that they had to like water and nurture. I just
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: feel like that's important for them absolutely. Who doesn't want
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: to be excused, who doesn't want to be like viciously
• 20:11
  Speaker 3: babied viciously? I remember one time this person said to me,
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: Oh my god, you're just like my fucking mom. And
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: I said, who the fuck wants to fuck their son?
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: Like shut the fuck up? You know so? And it's
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: also like I'm also a fucking kid. I'm the same
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: age as you, or maybe like two years less. You
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: don't think I want to be fucking babied beyond like
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: taking me to dinner, Like I can take me to dinner, right,
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: I've shown time and time again how like comfortable I
• 20:39
  Speaker 3: can make your life. You've shown me only the ways
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: you've made my life harder. Yeah, you know so when
• 20:47
  Speaker 3: I say, like mommying somebody, I mean like, are you okay?
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: What do you need? See? I remembered, oh I love that.
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: See I've remembered oh, you can count on me. And
• 21:00
  Speaker 3: for some reason, I don't know if dependability is also
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: like a muscle. I like to say confidence is like
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: a muscle. I don't know if dependability or being a
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: reliability is a muscle, but I for sure I think
• 21:14
  Speaker 3: it is. It's a habit. It is a habit. That
• 21:17
  Speaker 3: that quote how you do one thing is how you
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: do everything drives me fucking nuts because if I showed
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: you my apartment right now, you would think I'm squatting
• 21:25
  Speaker 3: I have so many packages that a delivery guy, my
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: Uber Eats driver said, happy moving. I've been here for two.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: Years, so I sort of feel like that quote haunts
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: me as well, because I do you're a person of excellence.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: I strive for Yeah, we all. I strive for excellence too.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: My life is not excellent in every area there's it's impossible, right,
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: So I hate that quote too.
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: Did you also have an eating disorder? Yeah, when I
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: was younger. Yeah, And afectionism is a drug. Perfect. If
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: I could put control into a pipe, I would book
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: it to the filter. Okay, but that's something else that
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: my therapist told me about people who have EDS. Instead
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: of nourishing ourselves, we nourish others because at least then
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: we're busy, you know, And that really fucked me up.
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: I know, it's like I'd rather avoid. And also dating
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: gives us an excuse to be in control of our appearance,
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: you know. So no, what do you mean, like getting dressed,
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: getting ready to going to the gym looking cute, you know,
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: like putting an extra effort or whatever. There's certain ways
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: that people with EDS like we cover things, you know,
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: Like I used to tell people all the time I
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: was training for a marathon, and that's why, you know,
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: I wasn't doing that, or I was doing too much
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: of this or whatever. I used to tell people I
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: enjoyed just walking to work, but I had, like, you know,
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: my calorie counters and stuff. We all cover things up.
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: So when people are like, like taking care of my body,
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: like working out too much, I'm like, well, I'm dating again.
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: I don't want to gain the extra way, you know,
• 22:54
  Speaker 3: Like for me, like dating was something that I could hide.
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: I could hide behind my partner instead of talking about me.
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: I could talk about how exciting dating was, you know,
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: how I met somebody. Everything you don't like talking about
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: you if I'm actively like avoiding nourishment or like taking
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: care of my body, like if I'm not if I'm
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: slipping into old habits, yeah, I'm talking to you about
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: everything else or fascinating. My friends will know when I'm
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: avoiding them, because people that you don't know, you could
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: talk about whatever and they think this is just you. Right,
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: you sit down like, bitch, what the fuck is happening?
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: Like you, what's going on?
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: They know?
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: You sit down, You're like yeah, and they're like, what's
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: going on? You know, and I'm like, I'm losing control.
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: I'm losing control. So there's a part of me also
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: where I think with dating it's hard because you tell
• 23:47
  Speaker 3: people these things, like you share your hurt with people
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: you know, and then they hurt you, and you're like,
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: I told you, like I told you, and so like
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: for men, whatever, for your partner, if they told you
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: like a trigger of theirs, you know, like let's say
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: they got cheated on with their exes coworker, Yeah, me,
• 24:10
  Speaker 3: I would make it an extra effort that they met
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: all my coworkers that they knew all the office gossip.
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: I wanted them to feel as comfortable as possible. Right
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: for men, you could say, you know, like my ex
• 24:20
  Speaker 3: was always on dating apps, and they're like, they'll go
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: home and download Tinder. They're just so far removed from like,
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: I don't know what investment means to men, or like
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: to there's a lot of selfish women and a lot
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: of selfish but non binary people too. It's just that
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: the only people truly broken my heart are just men, right,
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: you know, I.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: Also think potentially they're wired differently because it is a
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: whole different level. Even good hearted people. I think men
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: are just a little bit more selfish. They comme at
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: it from a different angle to begin with.
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree with you. It's a selfish angle. It's
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: a selfish angle. I'm trying to share myself with somebody,
• 24:59
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean. I'm trying to share a
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: life with you. I want you to meet my family.
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: I want you to share memes with my brother. I
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: want you to, you know, read my birthday cards from
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: my grandfather. You know, I want you to. I want
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: my aunt to make her famous charcuterie board for you.
• 25:12
  Speaker 3: It's fantastic, you know. But men are just like you know,
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: they want to make sure that they are still validated.
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: They're obsessed with validation. But I think it's really like we.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: I think we have really multi pronged wants and needs,
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: and for them it feels like it's sex, food and ego. Yeah.
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: And then and then they wonder why we think about
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: them so like prehistorically, and I'm like, well, yeah, but
• 25:42
  Speaker 3: also like how would you it would It would hurt
• 25:44
  Speaker 3: my heart to live my life knowing that you were
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: this multi dimensional person and I just never did know.
• 25:54
  Speaker 3: And I and you didn't find me either worthy or
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: you know, you didn't share that with me. But then
• 26:01
  Speaker 3: I go to sleep and I'm like, I think we
• 26:04
  Speaker 3: always think about the things that we could have done.
• 26:06
  Speaker 3: Like I had a boyfriend once that used to come
• 26:07
  Speaker 3: home at like seven in the morning, and he used
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: to come home so fucked up, and I would like
• 26:12
  Speaker 3: scream and scream at him and be a huge fight.
• 26:15
  Speaker 3: And I look back and I'm like, why didn't I
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: bolt the door? Why why didn't I let that motherfucker
• 26:21
  Speaker 3: sleep outside like a consequence because I thought the consequence
• 26:26
  Speaker 3: was disappointing me. That didn't mean anything to him, you
• 26:29
  Speaker 3: know what I mean. And then I also tell myself,
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: because that's not you. You would never let anybody sleep
• 26:36
  Speaker 3: outside with nowhere to go in the winter. That's just
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: not within. And is that something you like about yourself?
• 26:42
  Speaker 3: I love that about me. That's why relationships. You're not
• 26:45
  Speaker 3: going to change that about me. That's the key, right,
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: you know. I would go on these days after these
• 26:50
  Speaker 3: like tremendous heartbreaks. I've had like three tremendous heartbreaks in
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: my life and like, you're so brave, you know, Like
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: one of my relationships didn't work out, and I'm like,
• 26:59
  Speaker 3: I wonder who, Like I look just like him, you know.
• 27:03
  Speaker 3: And she's like, and I was never brave enough to
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: get back out there, really, and you just really pick
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: yourself up and you go out and I'm like, I
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: leave before they take that for me. I know a
• 27:12
  Speaker 3: lot of people who are really bitter. I know a
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: lot of people. But you can always get it back.
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: You can always get it back. But it's expensive, yes,
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: it is.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: It's expensive emotionally and financially potentially, Babe.
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: You can be like, I could date somebody for a year.
• 27:28
  Speaker 3: Who's to say they won't date somebody in my building.
• 27:30
  Speaker 3: I'm not doing that shit again. Do you really have
• 27:34
  Speaker 3: control over it? Exactly? But the only thing I have
• 27:37
  Speaker 3: control of, the only thing that I have control of
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: in my life is how I make people. It's how
• 27:42
  Speaker 3: I love people, you know what I mean. Yeah, So
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: I have had heartbreaks in my life where I have
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: walked around Central Park in a robe and slippers, open mouths, crying. Yeah,
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: I looked like SpongeBob's grandma. Oh no, that's real heartbreak
• 28:03
  Speaker 3: on the phone my mom, And she says later I
• 28:06
  Speaker 3: would talk to her like every hour on the hour
• 28:08
  Speaker 3: for days. And my mom later told me I didn't
• 28:12
  Speaker 3: understand a word that you were saying. It was hysterical.
• 28:15
  Speaker 3: I've had heartbreaks where my cousins have to fly in
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: to ensure that I'm eating, you know what I mean.
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: I've had heartbreaks where I leave the country for like months,
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: you know, and I but I've always, even though it
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: broke my fucking heart, I was always the one to
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: say so, even even though they said, you know, I'll
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: never love you this way. You know, technically, technically I'm
• 28:40
  Speaker 3: always the one to leave. But it's not out of nowhere,
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: you know, Like I'm not like this mysterious, like I'm
• 28:46
  Speaker 3: not this person with that leaves like a letter on
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: the bed saying like you know, I'll see you in
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: a dream or something. No, you know, I leave right before.
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: I feel like you're about to imprint on me, like
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: you're about to mold me into somebody fearful. And I
• 28:59
  Speaker 3: can't that because if you take that for me, I
• 29:02
  Speaker 3: can't be happy for my friends who fall in love.
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: I can't be happy for my siblings. You know nice
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: it is to see your siblings in love like that,
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: to see somebody love your siblings, or see them not
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: the way that you see them, but cherish them or
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: feel like they're irreplaceable. The way that you feel that's
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: such a gift. I say it to my siblings all
• 29:20
  Speaker 3: the time. I love seeing you guys in love. I see. However,
• 29:25
  Speaker 3: to my brother, I'm like, I see, however, you got
• 29:27
  Speaker 3: her a glass of water. Whenever she asks that kind
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: of hurt a little bit. I've been asking you for
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: thirty two years. But that's okay, you know what I mean.
• 29:32
  Speaker 3: But like, there's a there's a point about loving love
• 29:36
  Speaker 3: because people I know and we go through it when
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: we're going to breakups too, where you see people in
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: love and you're like, he's cheating on her. I don't
• 29:44
  Speaker 3: want to be like that, No, it's going to end.
• 29:47
  Speaker 3: Or like you see an old guy and you're like
• 29:49
  Speaker 3: I'm getting flowers, you know, and like it's probably for
• 29:51
  Speaker 3: his mistress. I've had friends like that, and I'm like,
• 29:53
  Speaker 3: you need to talk to somebody. Yeah, well, I guess
• 29:57
  Speaker 3: you bring up two things.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: One is it sounds like you refuse to betray yourself,
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: which I think is really valuable. But two, you refuse
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: to let someone bend your spirit.
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: I just feel like I fought so hard for it.
• 30:15
  Speaker 3: The reason I am the way that I am is
• 30:16
  Speaker 3: because at one point I was not, you know. And
• 30:19
  Speaker 3: there are ways every day that we betray ourselves. There
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: are little ways every day that we don't act to
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: our best interests, you know what I mean. But I
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: will say, maybe it's because I'm a cancer, maybe it's
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: because I'm Latin, maybe it's because I'm a woman. But
• 30:35
  Speaker 3: I do believe in the idea of a tribe, of
• 30:37
  Speaker 3: a village, of a community. Rain. Yeah. I always tell
• 30:40
  Speaker 3: people it's the people who love you the most and
• 30:42
  Speaker 3: have nothing to gain from your unhappiness are telling you
• 30:46
  Speaker 3: that you can do better. I think you should listen.
• 30:49
  Speaker 3: They have nothing to gain, you know what I mean.
• 30:51
  Speaker 3: So with it. When it comes to my mom or
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: like my exes, when I'm ready to break up with somebody,
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: I tell them everything. I sit down and I'm like,
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: you have to help me leave this man. You have
• 31:00
  Speaker 3: to help me whoever it is. Oh, you tell your people.
• 31:03
  Speaker 3: I tell my people because you can't. Oh, that's so
• 31:05
  Speaker 3: hard because there's no unwinding that. There's no unwinding that.
• 31:10
  Speaker 3: So it gets to the point then where if I
• 31:12
  Speaker 3: see them again, and of course I have, I have
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: to sit with that feeling of I betrayed them. I
• 31:17
  Speaker 3: betrayed the people who were on the phone with me
• 31:19
  Speaker 3: when they could understand me, I got my head's exploding down.
• 31:23
  Speaker 3: I betrayed them. So because it's easy to betray ourselves,
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: we can forgive ourselves, you know what I mean, over
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: and over again. But when your mom calls and she's like,
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: how is your weekend? I miss you, and you know that,
• 31:35
  Speaker 3: you're like I. This woman has done every This woman
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: has listened to me, She was there for me, she
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: did everything. I can't tell her or and my mom
• 31:45
  Speaker 3: does this thing too. It's a little mafio so but
• 31:47
  Speaker 3: it really works where she'll sit me down. She's done
• 31:49
  Speaker 3: it in a couple of different ways, but the most
• 31:51
  Speaker 3: recent way was I want you to know it could
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: be ten years down the line. You could get back
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: with this man. You could have children with this man.
• 31:59
  Speaker 3: Will ever see those grandchilds. I will never see those grandchildren.
• 32:02
  Speaker 3: I will never speak to you again. I cannot bear
• 32:04
  Speaker 3: to see you with somebody who doesn't know what you do.
• 32:08
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, bitch, it is day two of the breakup. Yeah,
• 32:13
  Speaker 3: not day one hundred and two, you know, but it's
• 32:16
  Speaker 3: also important for me too. That she comes here and
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: she sees me because she reminds me. She's like, do
• 32:22
  Speaker 3: you know what you were? Like, Yeah, well, I don't
• 32:25
  Speaker 3: see ourselves when we're in that state. I look at
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: the pictures of myself and I'm like, you look like
• 32:31
  Speaker 3: a white walker. Uh huh.
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: I know it always shows up physically always. Owis you
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: said you've had three heartbreaks. I think there's different kinds
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: of heartbreak. You can break your own heart, there's family heartbreak,
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: there's romantic heartbreak.
• 32:46
  Speaker 3: When I say heartbreak, what comes up for you immediately?
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: I think heartbreak. I think being in love is feeling
• 32:54
  Speaker 3: like a kid again, and being a kid again feels vulnerable.
• 32:59
  Speaker 3: So whenever I think of heartbreak, I think of being
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: a teenager, because that's really what love feels like. You
• 33:05
  Speaker 3: know what I mean. I hate the reason I love.
• 33:08
  Speaker 3: I love astrology. I love all of the occult. I
• 33:12
  Speaker 3: love all of it, you know what I mean. I
• 33:13
  Speaker 3: love prayer. I love when people are like, oh, I
• 33:16
  Speaker 3: don't believe in God or whatever. I'm like, I don't care.
• 33:18
  Speaker 3: My sister's atheist. I rock with that, bitch. I think
• 33:21
  Speaker 3: we're going to go to the same place. But it
• 33:22
  Speaker 3: would just be lonely for me, you know. And I
• 33:25
  Speaker 3: like the idea of life having magic to it, little things,
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: little things like being in the mood for ice cream
• 33:32
  Speaker 3: and then you are walking and you see an ice
• 33:34
  Speaker 3: cream shop. You're like, oh my god. You know, like
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: things like that. I like the magic in life. And
• 33:40
  Speaker 3: when you're in love, life does feel magical. What a
• 33:46
  Speaker 3: beautiful way of describing it. It feels like a gift,
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: it really does. You talk to people about heartbreak and
• 33:53
  Speaker 3: love and the same thing. No, this is different. Yeah,
• 33:56
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean, Like you feel like it's
• 33:57
  Speaker 3: so it's someone could pass understand. Yeah, it's unique. It's
• 34:02
  Speaker 3: like like like I understand even heartbroken. Like I look
• 34:06
  Speaker 3: at my mom and she's like and I'm like, no,
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: you don't understand. She's like, I had three children, I
• 34:12
  Speaker 3: was married, and I was like, yeah, that's cute, but
• 34:14
  Speaker 3: you don't that's sweet. You don't understand what I'm going through.
• 34:19
  Speaker 3: You don't understand. So there's that thing where it's like
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: you and the people, the people that you are during
• 34:27
  Speaker 3: those like three like three four hundred heartbreaks or whatever,
• 34:30
  Speaker 3: they're different people. And I told my ex, like I
• 34:34
  Speaker 3: miss her, I miss the person that I was. I
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: like who I am, But that girl, I'm never going
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: to know her again because you put me through things
• 34:43
  Speaker 3: that I probably didn't have to learn, you know what
• 34:45
  Speaker 3: I mean. You never heard anybody talk about that. She
• 34:49
  Speaker 3: was so protective of me. She waited to date, you know,
• 34:53
  Speaker 3: like she found the guy she really liked, she waited
• 34:56
  Speaker 3: to sleep with him. She like love. She was really
• 34:58
  Speaker 3: really confident. She that she was smart and that she
• 35:01
  Speaker 3: was funny. And you took her from me, you know,
• 35:04
  Speaker 3: you took her from me. So now i have to
• 35:06
  Speaker 3: do that all over again. But I'm never going to
• 35:08
  Speaker 3: be that person again ever. I'll never be that little
• 35:11
  Speaker 3: twenty seven year old girl so excited to meet up
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: with you because because I felt something and I thought, okay,
• 35:18
  Speaker 3: like he's really nice, he taught, he calls his mom
• 35:21
  Speaker 3: all the time. Like that person that was so that
• 35:24
  Speaker 3: person was trying to protect me and I let her down.
• 35:28
  Speaker 3: I'm like so emotional hearing you say that. There's like,
• 35:31
  Speaker 3: I think so much grief wrapped around that. It is grief,
• 35:34
  Speaker 3: it's mourning, but people are like everybody mourns a relationship.
• 35:37
  Speaker 3: I'm like, no, I'm mourning the hope I had the
• 35:42
  Speaker 3: hope and the version of yourself. I think I wanted
• 35:47
  Speaker 3: magic so bad that I or I was so used
• 35:51
  Speaker 3: to everybody having a little bit of magic, that I
• 35:55
  Speaker 3: may have made it up for you a little bit
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: where you were lacking, you know what I mean? And
• 35:59
  Speaker 3: that and I love that she did that for like
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: I'll look at somebody like, I love that she did
• 36:03
  Speaker 3: that for you. But another thing that you took from
• 36:06
  Speaker 3: me when you cheat on somebody or when you betray
• 36:08
  Speaker 3: somebody is I've never met a woman that I didn't
• 36:11
  Speaker 3: want to be fucking friends with. I meet a woman
• 36:13
  Speaker 3: and I'm just like, this could be my friend. And
• 36:16
  Speaker 3: now for the next few months, I'm going to meet
• 36:18
  Speaker 3: new people and wonder if they're your fucking type. You
• 36:20
  Speaker 3: turned you turned women. You made me turn my back
• 36:24
  Speaker 3: a little bit for women, so I can heal when
• 36:26
  Speaker 3: I can even like question my friends, Yeah, were you
• 36:31
  Speaker 3: at talk to to my friends? Did you flirt with
• 36:33
  Speaker 3: my friends? And I feel like there are some friends
• 36:35
  Speaker 3: that there are some partners that definitely did and some
• 36:38
  Speaker 3: partners that definitely did not. And my friends would never
• 36:42
  Speaker 3: but they, you know, my friends say something, They're like,
• 36:45
  Speaker 3: we trusted him with you and That really hurt me, Yeah,
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: because I trusted him with me too. The way that
• 36:54
  Speaker 3: they treat their friends, the way that they treat their family,
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: the way that they talk about their friends, the way
• 36:58
  Speaker 3: they talk about their exes. When you're young, you just
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: think it's so nuanced, and it's not. He's not nuanced.
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: It is those people are just normal everyday people, you
• 37:08
  Speaker 3: know what I mean. Like the way that this guy,
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: like one of my partners, would talk about all his
• 37:13
  Speaker 3: friend's success almost like they didn't deserve it. I'll never
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: forget that because one day he woke up. We were
• 37:19
  Speaker 3: sleeping together and he woke up and he said, I
• 37:22
  Speaker 3: had a nightmare. And I was like, what was your nightmare?
• 37:24
  Speaker 3: And he was like, I had a nightmare that you
• 37:26
  Speaker 3: were on SNL and I was like, that's a weird thing.
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: And then when I got signed to UTA and there
• 37:33
  Speaker 3: was an announcement on Variety, he messaged it to me
• 37:36
  Speaker 3: on what's up? And we haven't spoken in years. Yeah,
• 37:40
  Speaker 3: look at where you are now. Remember how poor you
• 37:42
  Speaker 3: were And I was like, I was never special. I
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: was just not successful and that made me perfect for you.
• 37:48
  Speaker 3: You were always the one that was more successful than
• 37:51
  Speaker 3: me At that point, Oh, I went off. I texted
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: my mom that she goes say this. I'm like, Mom,
• 37:55
  Speaker 3: I can't say that. Oh so you were never poor,
• 37:58
  Speaker 3: you were baby broke exactly. I was. I was beginning.
• 38:02
  Speaker 3: I was beginning, you know. And he now I realized,
• 38:05
  Speaker 3: Oh my god, I wasn't special. I was in a
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: safe place. I was just, oh my god, comfortable. I
• 38:12
  Speaker 3: was easy, and I was younger, and I just moved
• 38:15
  Speaker 3: to New York and he had been here his whole life,
• 38:17
  Speaker 3: so like he could show me things he loved. I
• 38:19
  Speaker 3: always say it to girls when they're going on dates.
• 38:21
  Speaker 3: Just let him teach you something. Ask him about his interests,
• 38:24
  Speaker 3: and then ask one thing about it and let him talk,
• 38:27
  Speaker 3: and he'll be obsessed with you and then love to
• 38:28
  Speaker 3: teach you things, you know what I mean, and to
• 38:30
  Speaker 3: show you new stuff. Oh, they love it, they really do. Like, Oh,
• 38:35
  Speaker 3: this restaurant is incredible. I've never been here. Have you
• 38:39
  Speaker 3: heard of this vegetable? It's called eggplant? No? Like, oh
• 38:43
  Speaker 3: my god, like it's so. But if you were to
• 38:45
  Speaker 3: do something better, I feel it's weird because this one,
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: this one person I dated for a little bit. I
• 38:52
  Speaker 3: would show him things and then I went through his
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: phone and he would send girls the songs I would
• 38:58
  Speaker 3: send him and the memes I would send him, and
• 39:01
  Speaker 3: I was like, I was like, this girl doesn't even
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: know she's dating me, and.
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: It's because he had no originality. He took on your
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: personality nothing.
• 39:10
  Speaker 3: I've also dated people who, oh, were intimidated by me
• 39:14
  Speaker 3: and I didn't realize and they thought the only way
• 39:16
  Speaker 3: that they could hold my attention was fighting with me.
• 39:19
  Speaker 3: So I would sit down and be like, I'm a
• 39:21
  Speaker 3: terrible perer, like I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: And then it took like my friend to sit me
• 39:26
  Speaker 3: down and be like the only time he has your
• 39:28
  Speaker 3: full attention you're so busy is when you guys are
• 39:32
  Speaker 3: fighting and he's ringing it in other than talking about it.
• 39:36
  Speaker 3: And I would go through our conversations. I'm like, oh
• 39:37
  Speaker 3: my god, this guy is a fucking vampire, you know,
• 39:40
  Speaker 3: And no wonder I don't want to talk to him
• 39:42
  Speaker 3: all the time because I felt bad. I was like,
• 39:44
  Speaker 3: I want to resolve with him, but I just don't
• 39:46
  Speaker 3: want to talk to him. She's like, he's programmed you
• 39:48
  Speaker 3: that every time you talk to him, he's going to
• 39:49
  Speaker 3: be unhappy about something, and that way you dedicate your
• 39:52
  Speaker 3: whole life, your whole day to making him feel better
• 39:55
  Speaker 3: and apologizing. Heartbreak is normal and heartbreak is part of life.
• 40:00
  Speaker 3: I get it, But I think in the future your
• 40:04
  Speaker 3: standards change. Every fucking heartbreak, your standards change. I always say,
• 40:09
  Speaker 3: standards are your neighborhood, and boundaries are your fencing. Standards
• 40:14
  Speaker 3: are where you live, and the fencing to your house
• 40:18
  Speaker 3: are your boundaries. So you know what I mean. Like,
• 40:23
  Speaker 3: a standard for me is I'm monogamous. That's a standard
• 40:25
  Speaker 3: for me. I don't want to be in a poly thing,
• 40:27
  Speaker 3: and everybody who wants that should be with somebody that
• 40:29
  Speaker 3: wants the same thing. And I don't want to get
• 40:31
  Speaker 3: in the way of you finding that, you.
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: Know, But also, don't lie to me and tell me
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: you want want to be monogamous, or don't lie to
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: me and tell me you just don't want me to
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: see anybody.
• 40:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know what I mean. That's usually what it is.
• 40:43
  Speaker 3: And oh my god, you know how many times I've
• 40:44
  Speaker 3: met a guy that's like, I'm in an open relationship
• 40:46
  Speaker 3: and she isn't.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: I'm like, no, yes, say that to you. It's happened
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: to me a bunch, but not like they don't say
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: it on Riah.
• 40:57
  Speaker 3: I'm like, all of you motherfuckers are married, a lot
• 40:59
  Speaker 3: of them.
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: There's a whole thing with girlfriends, all of them. My
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: ex was on Riya like the whole time we were
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: in a relationship.
• 41:08
  Speaker 3: I had no idea it was for friends and networking. No,
• 41:12
  Speaker 3: I didn't even know, like he was on it. People
• 41:15
  Speaker 3: swear people. That's my mom has a saying. To light
• 41:18
  Speaker 3: in my face is to call me an idiot. And
• 41:20
  Speaker 3: I like, i'd be like, why are you on this app?
• 41:23
  Speaker 3: And they're like, oh, I'm looking for casting. For that,
• 41:26
  Speaker 3: you're looking for casting, but it's part of the casting process,
• 41:31
  Speaker 3: showing them your dick and in an apartment you don't
• 41:36
  Speaker 3: pay rent for. It's like my apartment, Like, I get it.
• 41:39
  Speaker 3: The lighting's great. But no, Well, I read that you
• 41:43
  Speaker 3: said hurt people.
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: Hurt people, which is a common phrase, but you said
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: that sometimes the only way people know they exist is
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: if they hurt people.
• 41:51
  Speaker 3: There's a moment where people realize that they're not going
• 41:53
  Speaker 3: to be, that they're not special, you know, And I
• 41:57
  Speaker 3: think it happens with me me. There's a moment where
• 42:00
  Speaker 3: a man realizes he's not going to be a rock star.
• 42:03
  Speaker 3: He's not going to be the Wolf of Wall Street.
• 42:05
  Speaker 3: He's not going to be this pro athlete. He's just
• 42:08
  Speaker 3: a person. And I feel like women, for us, it's different.
• 42:12
  Speaker 3: It's like the the friends we have, where we live,
• 42:16
  Speaker 3: the clothes we wear, like those things are more statusy,
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean, oh than men. Men. It's
• 42:23
  Speaker 3: like an ego thing, Like the status for men is different.
• 42:26
  Speaker 3: It's different, and there is a moment where men realize
• 42:30
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to be I'm not special, you know.
• 42:32
  Speaker 3: I'm just a regular guy with a regular job, with
• 42:35
  Speaker 3: a regular apartment. And I think that's fine, but for
• 42:40
  Speaker 3: them it's not. And I think there are people in
• 42:43
  Speaker 3: the world, including women. I know a lot of women
• 42:45
  Speaker 3: who go this route too, for different reasons. But they
• 42:49
  Speaker 3: realize that if they are the main character in their
• 42:51
  Speaker 3: movie and no one's going to watch it, they rather
• 42:54
  Speaker 3: be the villain, or they rather be the victim, They
• 42:57
  Speaker 3: rather be pitied, and they rather be hated, not be
• 43:00
  Speaker 3: seen at all. And those people are the people where
• 43:04
  Speaker 3: we confuse and we're like, oh my god, he's mean
• 43:07
  Speaker 3: to everybody but me, or like I'm the only one
• 43:10
  Speaker 3: that understands her. I'm the only one that's there for her.
• 43:13
  Speaker 3: They designed it that way. You're now the supporting character
• 43:17
  Speaker 3: in their movie that they've been writing for years, like
• 43:21
  Speaker 3: the person that you know runs away, traveling everywhere alone,
• 43:26
  Speaker 3: posts about like being alone and whatever. They want it
• 43:30
  Speaker 3: that way. They knew that he or they were just
• 43:33
  Speaker 3: a regular person, but they had to create this idea
• 43:36
  Speaker 3: of them, so they carved this out. They're a voyager,
• 43:40
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean, They're brave. They're or a
• 43:43
  Speaker 3: girl who just like she just she just can't get
• 43:46
  Speaker 3: it together and like poor. Have you ever met somebody
• 43:49
  Speaker 3: that can't stop dating shitty people? If they didn't date
• 43:52
  Speaker 3: shitty people, who wouldn't job? Sorry, what do they talk
• 43:58
  Speaker 3: about at dinner? How somebody fucked them over? Oh I've
• 44:01
  Speaker 3: never thought about this. This is interesting. I think there's
• 44:05
  Speaker 3: courage in being normal. There's courage in normalcy. There's a
• 44:10
  Speaker 3: lot of courage in normalcy and consistency. The courage to
• 44:14
  Speaker 3: be who you are. I think people think, like, oh,
• 44:18
  Speaker 3: the courage to be a star, to be who you are,
• 44:20
  Speaker 3: they mean, like the courage to draw attention to myself.
• 44:23
  Speaker 3: What if you're not that person? Are you brave enough
• 44:26
  Speaker 3: to face that and be okay with that. What if
• 44:29
  Speaker 3: you're not that person that doesn't make and what if
• 44:31
  Speaker 3: that's actually weak? I think there's this a Real Housewives
• 44:35
  Speaker 3: quote Lisam where she says quarters in a money box
• 44:39
  Speaker 3: make a lot of noise, but dollars are quiet. And
• 44:42
  Speaker 3: I think that way about confidence sometimes, and everybody has
• 44:45
  Speaker 3: confidence differently, right.
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: Right, So I saw on Twitter in September of twenty
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: one you said you went through a pretty public breakup
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: and you said, I'm trying so hard to be graceful
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: about this. This is the worst heartbreak of my life yet,
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: dming me and all this other stuff. I first of all,
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: kudos to you. I don't know how you went through
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: a public breakup. I have like so much love for you.
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: It's so hard to go through it.
• 45:13
  Speaker 3: At all, let alone publicly thank you. How did the
• 45:16
  Speaker 3: heartbreak leave you?
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: Because I think it manifests differently depending on what your
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: childhood wounds are. I think it can leave you feeling unlovable,
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: It can leave you feeling insecure, it can leave you
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: feeling empowered. Like there's all these different ways heartbreak can
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: leave you.
• 45:32
  Speaker 3: There is something that a lot of people don't know.
• 45:36
  Speaker 3: And the reason, a big reason that I was quiet
• 45:39
  Speaker 3: about it was because it was there was a lot
• 45:42
  Speaker 3: of stuff that was pretty private. It wasn't my story
• 45:45
  Speaker 3: to tell the reason why we had really not worked
• 45:50
  Speaker 3: for so long, and it was rooted in like addiction
• 45:54
  Speaker 3: and like substance abuse. I thought it would be tacky
• 45:57
  Speaker 3: to like talk about that when it affects like some
• 46:00
  Speaker 3: one's whole family and like all this stuff and whatever.
• 46:03
  Speaker 3: And but second of all, there was a point in
• 46:06
  Speaker 3: my relationship where it got very cloud chasy, so I
• 46:12
  Speaker 3: didn't want to I didn't want to drive any traffic.
• 46:16
  Speaker 3: I wasn't gonna do it. So there was a there
• 46:19
  Speaker 3: was a point where I was like, this person loves
• 46:22
  Speaker 3: being my partner, but I don't think they love me necessarily.
• 46:27
  Speaker 3: They love the way that I love them. They love
• 46:29
  Speaker 3: the way that I show them off. They love that
• 46:31
  Speaker 3: people who support me and interact with me and follow
• 46:33
  Speaker 3: me view us, but I don't. But we would be
• 46:37
  Speaker 3: in a room together and he wouldn't speak to me.
• 46:39
  Speaker 3: He'd be like on his phone the whole time, going
• 46:42
  Speaker 3: through his dms, going through like you know, his photos,
• 46:45
  Speaker 3: seeing what he could post a lot of selfies and
• 46:48
  Speaker 3: so when we broke up, I was like, I'm not
• 46:50
  Speaker 3: driving any traffic too, I'm not telling anybody anything. I'm
• 46:54
  Speaker 3: gonna be really really quiet about it. I'm not gonna
• 46:57
  Speaker 3: I'm not gonna do you any favors. I'm not gonna
• 46:59
  Speaker 3: give you a platform because the last thing I'm going
• 47:01
  Speaker 3: to do is give a man a platform where he
• 47:04
  Speaker 3: can talk about me. Yeah, but what does it feel
• 47:07
  Speaker 3: like to feel like I actually don't think I've.
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: I did feel that once where I dated somebody and
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: I didn't feel like they actually loved me m after
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: because you guys were together for a good amount of time.
• 47:21
  Speaker 3: We were we were and some of it was good
• 47:24
  Speaker 3: and some of it was nightmare on Elm Street, but
• 47:27
  Speaker 3: it was like it was just a lot of there
• 47:31
  Speaker 3: was a lot of stuff that I was unprepared for.
• 47:33
  Speaker 3: There's a lot of stuff I was unprepared for. There
• 47:35
  Speaker 3: was a lot of stuff that I didn't have experience with.
• 47:38
  Speaker 3: And I guess when somebody says, oh, I'm only like
• 47:41
  Speaker 3: this when I'm fucked up, and then you're like, but
• 47:43
  Speaker 3: you're fucked up all the time, So I think this
• 47:46
  Speaker 3: might be you, And I think that they liked that
• 47:51
  Speaker 3: I I don't have anything like that in my family,
• 47:54
  Speaker 3: So they knew that I was. They knew I was
• 47:57
  Speaker 3: going to if I had now if that happened to me,
• 48:00
  Speaker 3: I would say either get help or leave. But at
• 48:03
  Speaker 3: that point I had to have no experience in that.
• 48:06
  Speaker 3: So I was like, come in, you know, let's talk
• 48:09
  Speaker 3: about it, what's going on whatever. I was just more empathetic,
• 48:13
  Speaker 3: even hard to identify. Sometimes. No, there's a point where
• 48:16
  Speaker 3: I was like, ah, I'm fucked. Yeah really, yeah, there
• 48:20
  Speaker 3: was no And I think in the beginnings of things,
• 48:23
  Speaker 3: like you're just getting sucked up all the time, you're
• 48:25
  Speaker 3: going to dinner, you're having a bottle of wine, you're
• 48:27
  Speaker 3: doing this, you're doing that, you're going out all the
• 48:28
  Speaker 3: time Friday night. But I remember just it was like
• 48:33
  Speaker 3: getting in the way of someone and their vice was
• 48:37
  Speaker 3: like being called by like a tiger. Like there was
• 48:40
  Speaker 3: an anger there, Like there was like a like there's
• 48:42
  Speaker 3: a switch that happened, like if you were to deny them,
• 48:46
  Speaker 3: or if you were to restrict them in any way,
• 48:49
  Speaker 3: or even the word sobriety gets popped up, it was
• 48:53
  Speaker 3: like it was like a tiger. I think that relationship
• 48:57
  Speaker 3: taught me, taught me a lot about how much I'm
• 49:01
  Speaker 3: willing to take. And I'm really proud of myself that
• 49:04
  Speaker 3: I had the patience to love someone like that, and
• 49:08
  Speaker 3: I'm I'm happy to have seen my bandwidth, but I
• 49:11
  Speaker 3: don't I don't ever want to be stretched that far
• 49:13
  Speaker 3: ever again, and publicly. You know, it was hard because
• 49:21
  Speaker 3: there were people who were supporting me, and then I
• 49:24
  Speaker 3: would go through his phone and they'd be like, hit
• 49:26
  Speaker 3: me up when you and Teffie breakup, So I don't
• 49:28
  Speaker 3: think I'm ever Yeah, And I went on my page
• 49:31
  Speaker 3: and I DM them and I was like, I know
• 49:33
  Speaker 3: what you're sending this person. You're disgusting, You're like vile,
• 49:38
  Speaker 3: and I blocked them. But I think that was one
• 49:40
  Speaker 3: thing too, where it's like the support, the support that
• 49:45
  Speaker 3: I would get if I talked about it, I could
• 49:47
  Speaker 3: go I could go viral for that. I could talk about,
• 49:49
  Speaker 3: you know, a bunch of different topics within that breakup.
• 49:52
  Speaker 3: I could talk about, you know, dealing with somebody's angry,
• 49:55
  Speaker 3: dealing with somebody who's like has substance abuse, or dealing
• 49:58
  Speaker 3: with heartbreak in general, dealing with like some cheating on you,
• 50:00
  Speaker 3: like whatever. There's a lot of stuff I could have
• 50:03
  Speaker 3: talked about. But the support would be so cheap, The
• 50:08
  Speaker 3: support would be so cheap, it just wouldn't be It
• 50:12
  Speaker 3: just that's not what I want to be supported for.
• 50:14
  Speaker 3: I'm not like this weak person. I know what I'm doing.
• 50:17
  Speaker 3: I can I can handle it. And there are things
• 50:20
  Speaker 3: that I learned that relationship that I can tell you
• 50:23
  Speaker 3: about without having to tell you about it. You know,
• 50:27
  Speaker 3: I actually think this is tangential.
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: But I often think about like the longevity and health
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: of influencers, and that distinction you made, is it because
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: it's so beautiful when you like, the whole point of
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: a great speech is somebody teaches you something without.
• 50:45
  Speaker 3: You having to learn the lesson yourself.
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: Like that is the mark of a great book, a
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: great speech, a great something, like a great podcast.
• 50:52
  Speaker 3: But if you're processing it while we're learning with you,
• 50:56
  Speaker 3: there's no lesson there. No, it's just it's performative. Do
• 51:01
  Speaker 3: you think that women experience heartbreak differently than men? Yeah?
• 51:06
  Speaker 3: I literally when I was going through my last breakup,
• 51:10
  Speaker 3: I said, I have to say goodbye to these children
• 51:12
  Speaker 3: I've imagined in my mind. I have to say bye
• 51:15
  Speaker 3: to them, you know, And for a woman, there is
• 51:18
  Speaker 3: this timer now we have like all these advancements whatever,
• 51:21
  Speaker 3: but I don't want to freeze my eggs. I don't
• 51:23
  Speaker 3: want to, you know, like, and it sounds fantastic and
• 51:26
  Speaker 3: maybe you know, I think that women can have babies later,
• 51:29
  Speaker 3: But there is a when we broke up, I was like,
• 51:33
  Speaker 3: I'm probably not going to have kids, so I'm like
• 51:35
  Speaker 3: thirty seven now maybe if I do, And there's that clock.
• 51:38
  Speaker 3: Men can be seventy something. But you're saying goodbye to
• 51:43
  Speaker 3: like an era in your life that only fits like
• 51:46
  Speaker 3: a certain thing if you want children. That's how I
• 51:49
  Speaker 3: know I'm in love too, Like right now, if children
• 51:51
  Speaker 3: happen for me, that's amazing, what a blessing. And if
• 51:54
  Speaker 3: they don't, that's okay, you know what I mean, Like,
• 51:57
  Speaker 3: I don't think it would be detrimental to me. When
• 52:00
  Speaker 3: I'm in love, I want I want to give somebody
• 52:03
  Speaker 3: a baby really bad, you know. So there was that
• 52:06
  Speaker 3: point where I looked at him and I was like,
• 52:09
  Speaker 3: it's hard of like you wanted a family so bad,
• 52:11
  Speaker 3: and you want a family for the first time ever,
• 52:13
  Speaker 3: like a functional family, and my family is very functional
• 52:16
  Speaker 3: and like very normal and boring in the best way.
• 52:20
  Speaker 3: So I was like I gave you something that you
• 52:22
  Speaker 3: were looking for and you used it against me, you
• 52:25
  Speaker 3: know what I mean. Like you you took the normalcy
• 52:28
  Speaker 3: and the foundation that you were looking for some in
• 52:32
  Speaker 3: someone for and you jumped on it. You wanted to
• 52:35
  Speaker 3: see if he could crack. And I told you, and
• 52:38
  Speaker 3: I say to all my partners, I will leave. You
• 52:42
  Speaker 3: think I won't, And I know there's going to be
• 52:44
  Speaker 3: a point where you think, oh, she can handle anything.
• 52:47
  Speaker 3: I will leave. I will go, and then they never
• 52:49
  Speaker 3: believe me when it's when I'm like, no, it's done,
• 52:52
  Speaker 3: you know. So there's I think that's actually a gender difference.
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: I think women will like they'll are a lot, but
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: once they're gone, they're gone.
• 53:03
  Speaker 3: Maybe there's a part of us too where, even if
• 53:06
  Speaker 3: we have children or not, the idea of having to
• 53:09
  Speaker 3: protect a child from someone doesn't do me anymore, you know,
• 53:15
  Speaker 3: Like it's that like instinctual thing for me. Also, I
• 53:19
  Speaker 3: have to be with someone i'm proud of. If I
• 53:21
  Speaker 3: if I'm no longer proud of you, I can't do it.
• 53:24
  Speaker 3: And it's not an admiration thing. You could be a
• 53:26
  Speaker 3: fucking carpenter, I don't care. You could be a cashier,
• 53:28
  Speaker 3: a target, I don't give a fuck. But it's something
• 53:31
  Speaker 3: about character, about doing the right thing. My mom says,
• 53:35
  Speaker 3: kind people are so kind even when it's hard, you know.
• 53:38
  Speaker 3: Like that's something that I really really admire in people,
• 53:40
  Speaker 3: because it's so easy for me to be nice to you.
• 53:43
  Speaker 3: But if you looked at me and you were like, well,
• 53:45
  Speaker 3: everybody thinks you're really stupid, I can look at you like,
• 53:48
  Speaker 3: I'd be so and but I would need need to
• 53:52
  Speaker 3: like dig deep and be like, I'm really sorry you
• 53:54
  Speaker 3: feel that way, you know what I mean? Like that
• 53:55
  Speaker 3: was something that's something I admire in people.
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: My friend is a divorce attorney and she got married
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: and her husband they were at the altar and her husband,
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: like previously, had asked her, she put this in her vows.
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: Her husband asked her, like, you see all these people
• 54:14
  Speaker 1: for years getting divorced or in the thick of it
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: with them.
• 54:17
  Speaker 3: What have you garnered? What have you learned? Like, well,
• 54:19
  Speaker 3: what advice can you give us as we move towards marriage?
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: And she said the one thing that she said to
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: him was you need to marry somebody who not only
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: does the right thing for you, but does the right
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: thing for everybody. Yeah, when I was deeven heartbreak, I
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: would find myself googling like how to feel better? And
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: I knew I wasn't going to find anything, but I
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: just like I was doing all the things. I trained
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: for a triathlon, I did therapy, like I was being
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: so proactive about the heartbreak.
• 54:48
  Speaker 3: I didn't want to sit in it.
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: No, And I'm wondering if you have found anything that
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: you can share that you think actually helps.
• 54:59
  Speaker 3: You got sit in the ship. I've been avoiding it.
• 55:02
  Speaker 3: I avoided all the time. I dove into work, and
• 55:06
  Speaker 3: my mom said, everywhere you go, you will follow. Your
• 55:11
  Speaker 3: mom sounds so wise. She is so annoying enough stop stop.
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: It with that being right's mom, I mean, like, you know,
• 55:20
  Speaker 1: there was a there was this movie with j Loo
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: and Robert Redford on Netflix, and my mom came to
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: visit me.
• 55:26
  Speaker 3: I forget I think I was moving, and she kept
• 55:28
  Speaker 3: she came and helped me move and we were in
• 55:30
  Speaker 3: bed together and we left and I had to leave
• 55:33
  Speaker 3: for an appointment, and she was like, I'm going to
• 55:34
  Speaker 3: keep watching the movie. And I was like, okay, rude.
• 55:36
  Speaker 3: And she's watching the movie and she's text me and
• 55:40
  Speaker 3: she's like, call me after your meeting. And I said okay,
• 55:42
  Speaker 3: and I called her. I'm like, hey, I'm on my
• 55:44
  Speaker 3: way back. She's like, you know, I finished the movie.
• 55:46
  Speaker 3: She's like, you know, j Loo in this movie she
• 55:49
  Speaker 3: was in an abusive relationship, and my mom was like,
• 55:52
  Speaker 3: you know, Robert Redford asked Jlo why she stayed with
• 55:57
  Speaker 3: a man that hit her and she's, you know, I
• 56:01
  Speaker 3: know that he was bad, but I didn't think I
• 56:03
  Speaker 3: could do better. And I was quiet, and she's like,
• 56:07
  Speaker 3: did you hear me? She stayed with somebody that she
• 56:10
  Speaker 3: knew she was better than, but she didn't think that
• 56:12
  Speaker 3: she could do better. And I was like, I heard you, mother.
• 56:16
  Speaker 3: I'm like on sixth Avenue, like I cannot cry right now.
• 56:20
  Speaker 3: But she was like, and we're watching. She's like and
• 56:23
  Speaker 3: we watch her and we're like, she is so kind,
• 56:25
  Speaker 3: she's so generous, she loves her daughter, she deserves the world.
• 56:28
  Speaker 3: But it doesn't matter because she didn't think that she
• 56:31
  Speaker 3: could do better than a man who beat the fuck
• 56:33
  Speaker 3: out of her. And I think about that all the.
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: Time when you think about it, because I think that
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: that idea does not discriminate between women with confidence or without.
• 56:45
  Speaker 3: It's not this. It's not the lack of confidence that.
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: Spurs that. Like, there's women I've interviewed offline, like they're powerhouses,
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: and they tell me about these like horrible relationships he's
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: been in where men steal.
• 56:59
  Speaker 3: Money from them, like things you would never think of.
• 57:02
  Speaker 3: What gets us there? I mean, love is hopeful. You
• 57:07
  Speaker 3: always love the person that you feel like they're loading
• 57:10
  Speaker 3: to be, you know what I mean, there's a person
• 57:13
  Speaker 3: that they are. The person that you fell in love
• 57:15
  Speaker 3: with is rarely the person that you end up with.
• 57:19
  Speaker 3: It's as hopefully love grows together as you guys discover
• 57:22
  Speaker 3: each other, but it's rare, especially when you're with insecure
• 57:27
  Speaker 3: men you know, or an insecure partner. I think heartbreaks
• 57:31
  Speaker 3: like a really important part of love. So I have
• 57:34
  Speaker 3: a few temporary temporary that's the thing that fucks you up.
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, when you're in it, you don't feel like it
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: is and it's very temporary. So I have a few
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: rapid fire questions for you.
• 57:46
  Speaker 3: Okay, let's hear it.
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: Okay, A movie you put on when you're sad, the holiday.
• 57:51
  Speaker 1: The worst betrayal is the worst betrayal is a mission.
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: O mission is a form of a lie.
• 58:01
  Speaker 3: I think I hate a person that lives on technicalities. Yes,
• 58:04
  Speaker 3: I technically wasn't disrespectful. I technically didn't lie. I was like, well,
• 58:08
  Speaker 3: you're technically a coward.
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: So yeah, a celebrity couple that you like that you're
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: rooting for Goldie Han and Kurt Russell love.
• 58:20
  Speaker 3: Grand, romantic gesture, intimate romantic moment. I'm a Leo Moon.
• 58:25
  Speaker 3: I need I need both me too. When I read that,
• 58:29
  Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, saying both your favorite date spot
• 58:31
  Speaker 3: in New York, Oh, my favorite date spot in New
• 58:35
  Speaker 3: York Central Park. I'm pretty, I'm pretty pretty? Uh. I
• 58:40
  Speaker 3: love I love an outdoorsy picnic moment. But we have
• 58:43
  Speaker 3: to be near the bathrooms. The bathrooms have to be
• 58:46
  Speaker 3: like an eye distance. And please don't make me do that.
• 58:49
  Speaker 3: I have a very weak bladder. We can't I can't
• 58:51
  Speaker 3: piss myself in the bushes. Second, especially if we're drinking wine.
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: Like, please, what's something that you see in yourself that
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: you haven't shown the world yet?
• 59:00
  Speaker 3: I think maybe how mean I can be? I can be?
• 59:05
  Speaker 3: Will you show us? Well? People are like, what do
• 59:08
  Speaker 3: you mean? I'm like, I'm a big sister. I can
• 59:11
  Speaker 3: get creative. You know what? I mean, but I can
• 59:13
  Speaker 3: definitely very I can definitely be vengeful. I can be vengeful.
• 59:16
  Speaker 3: It's not something I'm proud of, but it is something
• 59:18
  Speaker 3: where like I'm not going to let you walk around.
• 59:20
  Speaker 3: I'm always going to get my lick back, you know
• 59:22
  Speaker 3: what I mean. Like that's what I mean by that.
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: I also feel like that's Miami of you. Yeah, no,
• 59:27
  Speaker 1: I mean it in the best way. A quality that
• 59:29
  Speaker 1: you always look.
• 59:29
  Speaker 3: For in a friend. Inclusion, Like if we're with other
• 59:33
  Speaker 3: people and there's an inside joke and you turn to
• 59:35
  Speaker 3: me like it's funny because I like that. I like
• 59:39
  Speaker 3: that right now. Yeah. A book that changed your life,
• 59:42
  Speaker 3: something you think everyone should read. Fantastic, mister Fox. It's
• 59:47
  Speaker 3: my first chapter book. I have like thirteen different versions
• 59:51
  Speaker 3: of it. I love that book so much. It was
• 59:53
  Speaker 3: my first first like chapter book. I was like seven
• 59:55
  Speaker 3: years old, and I think I've read it like a
• 59:58
  Speaker 3: million times. I just love that care. I love solution
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 3: based thinking, you know what I mean? I agree? Have
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 3: you ever thought about becoming a therapist? Like, does it
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 3: like every day of my life? Yeah? In your mind,
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 3: I just be able to not get involved, and I
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 3: think that's where that stops. I would love to be
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 3: like a teacher, like a professor of something, Like I'd
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 3: love to like teach something and that way I can
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 3: get a little bit more involved. But like a therapist can't,
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 3: like you know, like you can't hug your clients like
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 3: unless but like I would be like to Bosom.
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 1: Come here, Yeah, okay, card game fifty two questions. So
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: because we're virtual, just tell me when to stop.
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 3: Stop? What expert do you want lessons from? What expert
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 3: do I want lessons from? There are a couple people
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 3: that I have in my mind. One is Rita Moreno,
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 3: who's like, you want to learn how to be an egot.
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 3: I just feel like she was around in Hollywood where
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 3: I'm sure or a lot happened and there's a Latin
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 3: point of view that I really look for, you know
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 3: what I mean. And Michelle Levon Robinson Obama mm hm.
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 3: I love her a lot, and I would love to
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 3: talk to sad Mahayek for a while. I feel like
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 3: she's just someone that tells you like it is, you
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 3: know what I mean, and she's great enough to do
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 3: it whatever comes to your mind. First, the smartest decision
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 3: you've ever made, the smartest decision I've ever made was
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 3: to go to that audition. The reason I'm on TikTok
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 3: is because I went to this audition for YouTube. This
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 3: company was like starting their own channels. They were looking
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 3: for talent, and I was a receptionist. I was like
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 3: twenty eight and I wasn't an actress. I'd never done anything.
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 3: And everybody that was going were like food critics and
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 3: bloggers and podcasters, and I was just like a receptionist.
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 3: And I went and out of like one hundred people,
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 3: I'm the only one that got the job. So I
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 3: think that's the smartest thing I ever did. Was Like,
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 3: I think you could do that, or people love to
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 3: make things so complicated, like the training of it, the
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 3: broadcast journalism of it, like the speech, how you talk
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 3: or whatever. But there's an it for people that people
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 3: look for, and I think it's like Zendea has it.
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 3: I'm not saying that I have that, but I think
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 3: I know how to make people feel comfortable and I
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 3: knew that I could do it. I knew that I
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 3: could do it, and I just wasn't going to let
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 3: people technicality my way out of thinking that way. So
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 3: I think that's the smartest thing I ever did was
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 3: like bet on myself that one time. And once you
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 3: win that bet, you know what I mean, You're just like,
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 3: what if I did this? So if it wasn't for that,
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 3: I would have never uploaded my first TikTok if I didn't,
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 3: if I was if I wasn't, like, let's roll the
• 1:02:44
  Speaker 3: dice one more time. You did well the first time?
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 3: You know, you listen to the whisper whatever it was
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 3: right here, the whisper. Oh yeah, I call it my
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 3: weeping willow like in Pocahontas. I like that well because
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 3: I was a Disney girl. Yeah, and that was like
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 3: the nicest fucking tree anyone ever fucking seen. I think.
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 3: Sometimes not Sometimes every week I go and I visit
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 3: teenage meet in our childhood bedroom and I tell her
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 3: what we did that week. You do yeah, sublatively, it's
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 3: like a yes, yes actively actively. I sit and I
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 3: make time for it and I pretend cool. And sometimes
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 3: at the end of it, she'll be like, are we happy?
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 3: And I know that if I say no, then she's
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 3: gonna beig them What the fuck is the point of
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 3: me going through all that shit for? Because she hasn't
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 3: done it yet, like telling somebody what like a what
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 3: a racetrack is, what a marathon is going to look like,
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 3: you know, like the uphills, the downhills, whatever. So I
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 3: have to make it worthwhile for her to keep going
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 3: because she's been dreaming, dreaming about me her whole life.
• 1:03:49
  Speaker 3: She she like what I'm doing now, She's been thinking
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 3: about her whole life, you know. So I think that's
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 3: something too. Where I carry fifteen year old me around
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 3: with me, so when it comes to the audition, I
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 3: can hear her say like, fucket, who cares? You know?
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: May our broken hearts fuel us? And now I'm about
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 1: to play the most cliche song of all time.
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 3: But don't tell me you don't love it. Today's a
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 3: good day to have a good day, Go get it.
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 3: At first I was afraid.
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 4: I was petrified, kept thinking I could never live without you, Baysa.
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 4: But then I spent so many nights thinking how you're
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 4: getting your own?
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 3: And I was wrong, and I learned how to get along.
• 1:04:37
  Speaker 3: A Sorry about