Latest / Impact Ready / 134. Thank the Ones Who Hurt You Most

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134. Thank the Ones Who Hurt You Most · Impact Ready

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  Welcome to Impact Ready, a show dedicated to helping you elevate
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  your impact in the world. I'm Steph Safra, your host.
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  Let's explore the power of showing up with intention and
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  energy each day. This is for those who seek to
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  make life truly meaningful. Get ready for impact.
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  Hi team, hope you're having a great week.
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  Recently on this podcast, I did an episode about forgiveness and
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  I got a lot of feedback and comments from from you as the
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  listeners about that specific episode.
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  And it was clear that a lot of people have been struggling to
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  forgive things in their life and have been struggling to forgive
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  themselves. And all of that is the
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  inspiration for this specific episode, which is all about
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  thanking the people who have hurt you the most in your life.
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  And while this might seem a little bit counterintuitive to
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  some, this has been a really important lesson in my life that
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  I wanted to share with you. And a little caveat, this topic
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  is certainly not referencing abusers or people who have
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  caused tremendous trauma for people.
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  This is really about the majority of the relationships
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  that we experience that end in falling out or falling apart.
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  Such a common human experience, in fact, that I think there are
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  some interesting things to consider.
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  I have certainly had my fair share of friendships, falling
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  outs, and relationships that have fallen apart.
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  And for a lot of those relationships, it took me a long
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  time to move past them, to let go of the pain in my heart.
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  I think most of us as humans have a desire for fairness and
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  justice. And when that doesn't happen in
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  relationships, it can feel really painful.
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  And it's very easy to hold on to anger or resentment around a
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  situation or a person when you don't feel like that fairness or
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  justice has come to fruition. And based on what you all have
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  shared with me and also listening to patients and
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  clients over the years, I've come to understand that this is
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  a very common thing. I've learned a lot about
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  challenge and struggle over the years, especially when it comes
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  to struggle around people. And what I've come to understand
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  for myself and really try to practice is that it's possible
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  to be grateful and thankful for the people who have come into my
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  life and who I've been hurt by the most.
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  Not because of the hurt that they've caused, but because of
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  the lessons that the pain has given me.
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  And I will admit, sometimes this is easier said than done.
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  I still have some work to do around some specific
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  relationships in my life, but I really do believe that we can
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  have gratitude for the learning that comes as a result of these
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  painful relationships. And because this podcast is all
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  about impact, and one of the ways we can have better impact
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  is to free ourselves from past pain, or at the very least,
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  reframe the pain, I think this is a powerful conversation.
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  So why in the world would you thank the people in your life
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  who have hurt you the most? First?
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  The obvious reason, which is when you face challenge and
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  difficulty, that challenge and difficulty forces you to grow.
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  It pushes you to change your behavior for the better as the
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  result of the lessons that you've learned.
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  For example, it helps you learn what you're not willing to
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  tolerate anymore, which is probably one of the most
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  valuable lessons you could probably learn in your life.
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  It helps you recognize your own worth.
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  When somebody treats you poorly, you start to understand how
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  deeply worthy you actually are, and you start to own that
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  worthiness. It often helps you learn how to
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  take care of yourself when you can't depend on somebody or when
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  you have been counting on somebody who has let you down.
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  It forces you to have to stand on your own 2 feet and take care
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  of yourself. And oftentimes, it helps you
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  learn how to take radical ownership in a situation and
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  remember you have a choice even when you feel really stuck.
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  And sometimes these falling aparts and these falling outs
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  are so painful, you know, it becomes so dire that you are
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  really forced into understanding radical ownership.
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  You recognize there is no other option but to take personal
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  responsibility for the circumstances in front of you.
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  Another reason you can thank the people who've hurt you the most
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  in your life is because going through these experiences shows
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  you who you really are and what you really deserve.
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  Oftentimes, going through conflict with somebody can show
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  you your blind spots, and that's a really good thing.
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  It often shows you the behaviors or the patterns of how you show
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  up in relationships that keep you from getting what you want,
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  and then you can do something about them.
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  This is awesome because so many people go through their life
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  never recognizing their blind spots ever, and they can't
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  figure out why they don't get the life they want.
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  For every falling out or conflict that I've ever had with
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  a person, I've learned something about myself and I've been able
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  to see patterns in the way that I've shown up in my friendships
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  or relationships. Here's the thing team, many of
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  those patterns weren't great. I was able to recognize a lot of
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  my saboteurs showing up in these relationships, the most common
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  one being people pleasing. It took me years to break that
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  pattern of being that way of being in friendships.
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  Many times I would feel used or walked all over or treated like
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  a doormat. And the reality is that was my
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  responsibility to stop that. It was a pattern of behavior
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  that I was bringing to the table, something that I
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  desperately needed to break. And even though a lot of these
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  people really hurt me, it showed me what I was tolerating.
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  And if you get what you tolerate, I realized that what I
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  was getting was a direct reflection of what I was
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  allowing in my relationships and I needed to take ownership of
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  that. Another reason I feel like I can
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  have gratitude for those high conflict people in my life is
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  because when I reflect back on those relationships, they were
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  the relationships that were the biggest meaning.
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  They were often very painful in the falling out stage because
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  they were the people that I was so close with for a season of
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  time. They were the ones that opened
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  up my heart the most, honestly, the people that I had a
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  tremendous amount of fun with or the people that really
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  profoundly affected my heart. And that's why the falling apart
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  of the relationship affected me so much is because it was so
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  important to me. And I can certainly have
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  gratitude for that because even though it ended with deep pain,
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  it was always a relationship of deep love and laughter and fun
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  before that pain. They were never all bad.
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  And I think ultimately, when people can affect you in that
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  kind of way, it's always a gift, even if it doesn't feel like
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  that in the aftermath. The other thing that I truly
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  believe about life is that people don't come into your
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  world by accident. I think that the teacher arrives
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  when the student is ready, as they say, and that all of these
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  people that come into our lives are teachers for us and
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  catalysts for us in our life. Anytime is there a struggle or
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  conflict or challenge, you can see it as contrast.
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  And we need that kind of contrast.
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  We need the contrast of things to be able to recognize the good
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  stuff, you know? We need the contrast of pain and
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  strife to recognize and appreciate peace and joy.
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  We need the contrast of darkness to be able to see the light.
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  For me, this has been very true. I've had friendships that were
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  conflict ridden. There was always some kind of a
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  drama or a problem and that would cause me anxiety for
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  years. It took me a really long time to
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  recognize that I truly just had a desire for peace.
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  I didn't want to have drama or conflict around me all the time,
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  and it took me a very long time to get the courage up to make a
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  decision for that peace and joy. But it was that contrast that
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  showed me how important that truly was for my life.
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  The truth is, we're all going to have relationships at some point
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  that have a falling out or falling apart.
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  There are some people who come into our lives for only a
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  season. It's very hard to be a human in
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  relationship with other humans on this earth and get away
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  unscathed when it comes to this kind of stuff.
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  It's just true. But as we've talked about in a
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  past podcast, you've never met a strong person who's had an easy
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  life. It's often the people who've
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  been through a lot in their lives who tend to be wiser and
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  kinder and more compassionate and just generally happier
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  overall. They have perspective, and
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  that's typically because they've been through it, so to speak.
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  And we say through it for a reason.
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  They've had to work through a lot of feelings, a lot of pain,
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  not push it away, not skip over it, not deny it, but work
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  through those feelings and that pain.
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  And it teaches us how to work through feelings and emotions.
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  It teaches us how to be compassionate and self aware.
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  It teaches us to be more conscious of who we surround
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  ourselves with and how truly powerful we are as individuals.
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  To be able to thank the people in your life who hurt you the
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  most. This might not come easily.
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  It hasn't always come easily for me.
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  For some old relationships in my life, it has taken me a very
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  long time to let go of the hurt and the anger and the
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  resentment. And it might not happen
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  overnight, but there are so many reasons why it makes sense.
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  The biggest reason overall that I can think of is because when
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  you can thank somebody or something in your life, when you
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  can have gratitude and appreciation for them, it opens
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  the door to forgiveness and forgiveness.
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  As we have talked about before, forgiveness is your pathway to
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  peace and acceptance. You might have every right to
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  rage and rant about someone and the way that they've treated you
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  in your life. I completely understand that,
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  and that's valid. But you also have the right to
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  be at peace in your life. And let me tell you, peace feels
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  really good. Even if it doesn't happen
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  quickly. I think ultimately it's the path
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  that's going to feel better in the end because to hold on to
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  anger and resentment for years on end, it really just ends up
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  hurting you. It's it hurts the person who is
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  feeling that. It's like drinking the poison
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  every day. That poison only ends up
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  poisoning the person who drinks it.
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  We've all done that to some degree about something in our
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  lives. I'm not judging, I have done it
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  too. But maybe this different
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  perspective can help speed up the process and get you through
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  the pain, get you to the place where you can truly say thank
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  you for this experience. Thank you for that relationship
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  that pushed me to grow and made me better.
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  Thank you for the contrast that led to those dark moments that
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  then allowed me to see the light.
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  So I don't know what you're going through right now.
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  I don't know if you have one of those relationships in your life
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  right now. But if you do, if you've been
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  holding on to past hurts and past resentments, those people
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  in your life who let you down or maybe you had a falling out
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  with, perhaps this is the moment where you could consider
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  thanking them for being in your life.
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  Consider appreciating the role that they played and expressing
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  gratitude for the fact that they were in your life, even just for
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  a season. For whatever they showed you,
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  whatever lessons they were able to illuminate for you, whatever
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  paths and decisions that came as a result of that experience of
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  them being in your life, whatever it might be.
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  Perhaps this is the moment where forgiveness could enter the
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  chat. It could be the gateway to your
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  piece and a little bit more joy for you.
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  So I hope this helps. I'm glad you're here.
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  Thank you for listening. And as always, team, thank you
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  for being ready to Impact. Thanks for listening to Impact
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  Ready. I hope today's episode inspired
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  you to own your impact and recognize that you are powerful.
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  By elevating our energy and awareness, we can create
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  exponential change in this life. If you enjoyed today's insights,
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  share them with a friend and subscribe to the show for more.
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  I truly appreciate you. Thanks again for being here.