Latest / Your Thoughts Your Reality / Control vs Connection | Why Trying to Help Is Pushing People Away w/ Veenu Keller

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Control vs Connection | Why Trying to Help Is Pushing People Away w/ Veenu Keller · Your Thoughts Your Reality

0:02
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Your Thoughts, Your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.
0:11
SPEAKER_00: Michael is a dual elite certified neuroencoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations, dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles, procrastination, self-doubt, fear, and more.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
0:47
SPEAKER_02: Hello, hello, hello, everybody.
0:49
SPEAKER_02: We have an amazing return guest.
0:51
SPEAKER_02: I'm super excited.
0:52
SPEAKER_02: My friend is back.
0:54
SPEAKER_02: Venu Keller is a parent coach, child behavioral specialist, and in-home interventionist, helping families move from chaos to calm.
1:03
SPEAKER_02: And God who does not need that in their lives.
1:06
SPEAKER_02: Venu is a best-selling author and certified Master Life Coach with decades of experience supporting overwhelmed parents.
1:13
SPEAKER_02: She's the creator of the Parent Child Whisperer Coaching Certification and the founder of the In-Home Family Turnaround program.
1:20
SPEAKER_02: Her work centers on restoring peace, trust, and connection, especially after seasons of stress, control, and burnout.
1:26
SPEAKER_02: And who hasn't seen that in their life at some point?
1:29
SPEAKER_02: Vinu, my friend.
1:31
SPEAKER_02: How are you today?
1:32
SPEAKER_01: I am doing fabulous.
1:34
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
1:35
SPEAKER_01: Fantastic.
1:36
SPEAKER_02: Great to have you on again, of course.
1:37
SPEAKER_02: Um, if you will, just tell us a little bit more about yourself.
1:40
SPEAKER_02: Uh maybe people don't know at this point.
1:43
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
1:43
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, I started my personal growth journey in 2007 when I realized I had to clean up my own backyard before I was cleaning up somebody else's.
1:52
SPEAKER_01: And ironically, I was a supervisor of a mental health institution.
1:59
SPEAKER_01: I was supervised group homes for kids.
2:02
SPEAKER_01: So I was like really in the mental health world.
2:04
SPEAKER_01: I was a mental health professional.
2:06
SPEAKER_01: I was certified as an infant toddler family specialist in North Carolina.
2:10
SPEAKER_01: So I was still being a healer, if you would, in families, but it also took the spotlight off my own pain, my pain that when I would close the door, nobody saw.
2:20
SPEAKER_01: You know, closest people to me did not know that I was just counting down the years to take my life.
2:27
SPEAKER_01: And I had an opportunity to go to an event.
2:30
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what the heck I was signing up for when I went to that event.
2:33
SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh, you're gonna walk on fire and say yes.
2:35
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, who's saying yes to what?
2:38
SPEAKER_01: And next thing you know, I'm I'm walking on fire.
2:41
SPEAKER_01: And I was like the energizer bunny on crack, if you would.
2:46
SPEAKER_01: Several people tell me that that night.
2:48
SPEAKER_01: And it kind of stuck because I literally was electrified inside of my body.
2:54
SPEAKER_01: Something had shifted that I mean it made me realize how much our beliefs actually control our lives and the belief that our past creates us, our path is a window to what our future looks like, which is absolute BS.
3:10
SPEAKER_01: You know, I now look at our past as an experience that happened.
3:14
SPEAKER_01: There it's not good, it's not bad, it just is.
3:17
SPEAKER_01: And I look at everything I've done in my life: good, bad, ugly, disgusting, something not worth talking about, something worth celebrating about.
3:26
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't matter.
3:28
SPEAKER_01: Everything I've done has brought me to where I'm at today, sitting here talking to you.
3:32
SPEAKER_02: Amen.
3:33
SPEAKER_02: Weird, me too.
3:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's the reason why we're here.
3:37
SPEAKER_02: I I absolutely love that.
3:38
SPEAKER_02: And you know, most people, and you know, just chime in here, obviously.
3:42
SPEAKER_02: I I'd say there's struggles in life, right?
3:45
SPEAKER_02: It may not be where you're going to take your life, and it may be, but at the same time, most people struggle, you know.
3:53
SPEAKER_02: So give us one of the things, if you will, and we're totally off topic here, but give us one of the things that, you know, besides that that seminar, you know, walking on fire.
4:02
SPEAKER_02: And now I know you help other people walk on fire, which is fantastic.
4:05
SPEAKER_02: What what are some of the things that really just made that shift in you?
4:08
SPEAKER_02: Was it the seminar or was it just rethinking things, if you will?
4:13
SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, I feel like the seminar gave me the feel to my fire.
4:16
SPEAKER_01: I feel like there's always been a fire inside of me, and it just burned in different ways.
4:21
SPEAKER_01: And so that seminar gave me a path.
4:23
SPEAKER_01: Like, you know me very well.
4:25
SPEAKER_01: I am, give me the rules.
4:26
SPEAKER_01: I'm a good student, and I will get an A.
4:28
SPEAKER_01: I just need to know the steps to take.
4:30
SPEAKER_01: And I feel like that seminar did that, you know, it got me, I stopped drinking.
4:35
SPEAKER_01: And when I say that, people are like, oh, were you an alcoholic?
4:38
SPEAKER_01: No, I was not an alcoholic, but I did enjoy going out every night, having a beer or two, because it was a social connection to me.
4:45
SPEAKER_01: I smoked cigarettes, you know, I was craving to be seen in my own life.
4:51
SPEAKER_01: And I thought the only way to be seen is to do what others were doing.
4:54
SPEAKER_01: And so I did I partake in this lifestyle and I realized that that's not where I want my life to end up being.
5:03
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to be a 52-year-old bar fly.
5:05
SPEAKER_01: Like that's not what I wanted.
5:07
SPEAKER_01: And even though I was having fun dancing, drinking, mingling, it wasn't fulfilling me.
5:15
SPEAKER_01: It was literally masking, it was masking who I was.
5:18
SPEAKER_01: And so when I heard this gentleman say, you know, change your story, change your life.
5:25
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, well, how do you change your story if this is what was given to you?
5:29
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no, no, no.
5:31
SPEAKER_01: Your story was given to you for an idea of what you want to create now.
5:38
SPEAKER_01: It wasn't my past did not write my future.
5:41
SPEAKER_01: My mom did not write what I was gonna be and do in my life.
5:44
SPEAKER_01: She was able to guide me or beat it in me, what I needed to be at the time to be a good student.
5:53
SPEAKER_01: But I look at that like how I'm very observant, I'm very deliberate, I'm very obedient, you know.
6:02
SPEAKER_01: When I when I say what I mean, I mean what I say.
6:05
SPEAKER_01: And it all came because that's what my mom created in me.
6:08
SPEAKER_01: But how do I take those to create a better future?
6:11
SPEAKER_01: Not to hold that back, not to be the victim of like, oh, but my mom didn't let me do this, and I wasn't allowed to do that.
6:17
SPEAKER_01: And poor me, we didn't have money.
6:20
SPEAKER_01: No pen intended, I was poor.
6:22
SPEAKER_01: But at the same time, though, what it taught me gratitude.
6:26
SPEAKER_01: It taught me like my husband and I were just talking to our twins the other day and like helping them realize you have no idea how lucky you are from the way that my husband was able to raise his girls, the way I was able to raise my boys, we didn't have what we have now.
6:41
SPEAKER_01: My husband and I have worked very hard to have what we have now, and yet we I think we gave too much to our twins because we were overexcited that, oh, we don't have to tell them no.
6:52
SPEAKER_01: We don't have to say no, we can't go out to eat tonight because we can't afford it.
6:55
SPEAKER_01: It's like, yeah, we don't have dinner ready.
6:57
SPEAKER_01: Let's go, you know.
6:59
SPEAKER_01: And I said, if they don't have gratitude, it's because we didn't teach them gratitude.
7:03
SPEAKER_01: And so now they're almost 14, we're like reeling it in.
7:07
SPEAKER_01: And for any parents out there, it doesn't matter what age your kids are, it's time to ask ourselves when they become 18 on their own, are they gonna have the financial IQ they need?
7:19
SPEAKER_01: And if they don't, why not?
7:22
SPEAKER_01: Where did you fail?
7:23
SPEAKER_01: I was talking to a parent of our, a friend of our, uh, my kid's friend, and because my husband said, you know, so and so's dad says he gets this money for his birthday and he has all year to budget it.
7:35
SPEAKER_01: That means if he wants to go to the trampoline park, if he wants to go out to eat with his friends, if he wants to go to roller skating, don't ask him unless you have your own money.
7:43
SPEAKER_01: Because dad's saying no.
7:45
SPEAKER_01: And I said, that is brilliant.
7:47
SPEAKER_01: I said, What made you think of that?
7:49
SPEAKER_01: He says the same thing.
7:50
SPEAKER_01: He says, I thought about it.
7:52
SPEAKER_01: When my kid becomes an adult, if he doesn't have the financial stability, shame on me.
7:57
SPEAKER_01: He's like, so I had to do something different.
7:59
SPEAKER_01: And I said, tell me.
8:01
SPEAKER_01: And it's interesting because yes, I am the parent child whisperer.
8:04
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I am an expert in helping parents understand their children's behavior, but I don't know at all.
8:09
SPEAKER_01: It's because I am vulnerable enough to say, I don't know, tell me what you're doing and what's working, and I'm gonna take that on.
8:16
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so I think that's absolutely fantastic what you just said.
8:21
SPEAKER_02: And here's the reason really be new is don't we all need to think about that?
8:26
SPEAKER_02: I mean, we all need to think about that.
8:28
SPEAKER_02: And and the idea of here's your money for a year, I mean, that is really life planning right there for that kid, right?
8:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they're scared, they're so scared, especially that they're like, Oh, can we go here?
8:40
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, and they're like, Oh gosh, when is that starting?
8:44
SPEAKER_01: When do we have to use our own money?
8:47
SPEAKER_01: But it's it's the conversation started.
8:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
8:52
SPEAKER_01: And now they're they're very careful of like, like even today after doctor's appointment, like, could we get a Chick-fil-A?
8:58
SPEAKER_01: And I said, Oh, hmm.
9:01
SPEAKER_01: And they're like, never mind, never mind.
9:02
SPEAKER_01: We're learning.
9:03
SPEAKER_01: We don't want to ask for everything anymore.
9:04
SPEAKER_01: I said, Good, I'm glad you're learning.
9:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so some of them's already starting to change, yeah.
9:10
SPEAKER_01: And it's that easy.
9:11
SPEAKER_02: It's that easy.
9:12
SPEAKER_02: I love it.
9:13
SPEAKER_02: So, so let's let's we've kind of totally went off topic today.
9:17
SPEAKER_02: So that's what you and I do.
9:20
SPEAKER_02: So uh so let's let's jump back in really quick.
9:23
SPEAKER_02: So we're talking about control versus connection today in relationships, whether that is your child, children, any relationship, right?
9:33
SPEAKER_02: Your spouse, your your whatever the case may be, I was I think it applies everywhere.
9:37
SPEAKER_02: Would you agree?
9:38
SPEAKER_01: Uh a hundred percent.
9:40
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
9:41
SPEAKER_01: A hundred percent.
9:43
SPEAKER_01: Even I was gonna say, even I have learned in the last two months the things that I was controlling that I didn't even know I was controlling.
9:55
SPEAKER_01: And that's it.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: It's the awareness.
9:58
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's you don't know, you can't stop when people are like, stop controlling.
10:04
SPEAKER_01: How do you know you're controlling when you don't even know that's what control looks like?
10:07
SPEAKER_01: So I think that's where we need to start.
10:09
SPEAKER_01: This conversation is what is control?
10:13
SPEAKER_02: Perfect.
10:13
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
10:14
SPEAKER_02: So and I do want to say one other thing.
10:16
SPEAKER_02: You know, VNU are very good, VNU and I are very good at what we do.
10:20
SPEAKER_02: Okay, understand that we do the work on ourselves because and that makes us better.
10:24
SPEAKER_02: And we will always do the work on ourselves, right?
10:28
SPEAKER_02: So just because you know, we don't know everything, that's because ego's not the way and we're still learning.
10:34
unknown: Right.
10:35
SPEAKER_02: So I just I just wanted to make a point that yeah, I'm a life learner, yeah, exactly.
10:41
SPEAKER_01: Until the day I take my last breath.
10:42
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be, and I promise you, I'm at last breath.
10:44
SPEAKER_01: I'll have I'll have one more question before I take that breath.
10:48
SPEAKER_02: Vina is the queen of questions.
10:51
SPEAKER_02: I am just saying.
10:52
SPEAKER_02: I learned well from her.
10:55
SPEAKER_02: All right, Vina.
10:56
SPEAKER_02: So let's talk about control versus connection.
10:58
SPEAKER_02: So what let's define, let's have you define both of those, if you will, so that we can also see what where the gap is, where the difference is.
11:07
SPEAKER_01: Okay, great.
11:07
SPEAKER_01: So for me, control is the need to feel safe.
11:12
SPEAKER_01: When someone needs to feel safe, they need to control.
11:15
SPEAKER_01: They need to control the conversation, they need to control the outcome, they need to control what's happening in their environment around them.
11:22
SPEAKER_01: And so they'll make comments, they'll ask certain questions, they'll be demanding, they'll be commanding.
11:28
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's very a passive-aggressive way where it comes as a question, but they're literally trying to get the outcome that they want in order for them to feel safe.
11:36
SPEAKER_01: Like even today, I my twins had their doctor's appointment and we were sitting there, and my daughter's like, You're going first.
11:43
SPEAKER_01: And I said, Ooh.
11:45
SPEAKER_01: She goes, Oh, I'm sorry about my tone.
11:47
SPEAKER_01: And I said, Oh, I'm thank you for that for noticing your tone.
11:50
SPEAKER_01: I said, But I'm just curious, who died and made you queen to just say who's going first?
11:56
SPEAKER_01: And she goes, Well, I mean, I don't know.
12:00
SPEAKER_01: And so let's talk, let's we could just unpack that for a minute.
12:03
SPEAKER_01: She was in the middle of doing something on her phone, and so she wanted to feel like safe, if you would, like in her own bubble, not to be disturbed.
12:14
SPEAKER_01: And so she just went ahead and blurted out, you can go first.
12:17
SPEAKER_01: Or no, not you can, it's you will go first.
12:21
SPEAKER_01: And so just to have that conversation, and I said, Look, I'm not getting on you to punish you.
12:27
SPEAKER_01: I'm not getting on you because you're doing things wrong.
12:30
SPEAKER_01: I said, I am 52 years old, and two months ago, I finally started to realize everything I was trying to control.
12:39
SPEAKER_01: So I want to give you the gift at 13 because you are not even realizing it.
12:44
SPEAKER_01: I said, Did you realize that was controlling?
12:46
SPEAKER_01: She goes, No.
12:47
SPEAKER_01: I said, So can I ask why you said that to him?
12:51
SPEAKER_01: Like, what was your outcome for saying that to him?
12:53
SPEAKER_01: And she says, Well, because I'm on my phone and he's already sitting on the table.
12:56
SPEAKER_01: And I said, Okay, so is there a better way that you could have communicated that?
13:01
SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm an on-the-site teacher.
13:03
SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't want to wait till we get home and say, hey, can we just have a conversation about that control?
13:08
SPEAKER_01: Because she doesn't remember.
13:09
SPEAKER_01: It's like, what?
13:10
SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
13:10
SPEAKER_01: Because in her mind, it was no big deal.
13:12
SPEAKER_01: I was just telling him to go first because he was on the table.
13:14
SPEAKER_01: And I was in the middle of doing my thing on my phone, right?
13:17
SPEAKER_01: And so where are we trying to control the situation where we're innocent about it and we're not even recognizing it?
13:25
SPEAKER_01: I'll give you another example.
13:26
SPEAKER_01: My son had forgot his backpack in my car.
13:29
SPEAKER_01: And I said, I called him up and I said, Hey, I'm running by your house.
13:33
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna drop off your backpack.
13:34
SPEAKER_01: And he says, Mom, don't.
13:35
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm sleeping, I'm taking a nap.
13:38
SPEAKER_01: And I said, No, no, no, no, it's not a big deal.
13:40
SPEAKER_01: I'll leave it on your porch.
13:41
SPEAKER_01: I won't even knock on the door.
13:42
SPEAKER_01: He's like, Mom, really, I'll come by and get it later.
13:45
SPEAKER_01: In my mind, I wasn't being controlling, I was just being nice.
13:49
SPEAKER_01: Like, you don't have to waste your gas to come here.
13:51
SPEAKER_01: I'm passing by your house.
13:54
SPEAKER_01: And he's like, Whatever, mom.
13:57
SPEAKER_01: Because that's normally how it is, right?
13:58
SPEAKER_01: Whatever, mom.
14:00
SPEAKER_01: And he hung up.
14:01
SPEAKER_01: And my husband looked at me and he's like, So I'm sorry, how are you releasing the control right now?
14:09
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, what are you talking about?
14:11
SPEAKER_01: And he says, he literally told you, because I was on speaker phone, literally told you three times, mom, don't worry about it.
14:17
SPEAKER_01: I'm sleeping.
14:18
SPEAKER_01: I'll come by it later and get it.
14:20
SPEAKER_01: And he, I'm like, oh.
14:23
SPEAKER_01: So that's how control looks.
14:24
SPEAKER_01: I look like I was helping him out not to waste gas, don't worry about it.
14:28
SPEAKER_01: I got your backpack.
14:30
SPEAKER_01: And yet I was still trying to control what I wanted to do, not even paying attention to what he was saying.
14:37
unknown: Yeah.
14:40
SPEAKER_02: I think it's easy for that to happen, though, right?
14:42
SPEAKER_01: Like you're saying all the time, especially as a mom or a dad, right?
14:46
SPEAKER_01: You're protective, you know, like you just had a grandbaby.
14:48
SPEAKER_01: So you're like, you know what?
14:49
SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna pick up and bring her food.
14:51
SPEAKER_01: I'm sure she hasn't eaten the mom that is, not the baby.
14:54
SPEAKER_01: And you know, and so, or your son that's sitting there, you know, and he's like, No, dad, we're good, you know, we ate, but you're going by his favorite burger place, and you're like, you know what, I think he'd really like that.
15:04
SPEAKER_01: Like you're just being nice because you know it's his favorite.
15:08
SPEAKER_01: They just had a baby, you might be doing that.
15:10
SPEAKER_01: Like, these are the things that we don't listen to.
15:12
SPEAKER_01: But here's the truth when we start to practice in the moment, that's when we start to learn to let go.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: We're training our brain to let go of that control.
15:20
SPEAKER_01: So the end result of that, by the way, is I didn't take his backpack.
15:25
SPEAKER_01: I I kept it here.
15:27
SPEAKER_01: And later on, I called him and I said, because I was really excited.
15:31
SPEAKER_01: I get I I like to celebrate when I do things right.
15:34
SPEAKER_01: I said, I kept your backpack.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: And he's like, Okay.
15:38
SPEAKER_01: And I said, and I want to apologize for trying to control the situation.
15:41
SPEAKER_01: He's like, What are you talking about?
15:42
SPEAKER_01: Like he didn't see it that way, right?
15:44
SPEAKER_01: It's not about the other person, it's about you recognizing where you're stepping in and trying to take over.
15:52
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, control the situation.
15:54
SPEAKER_01: And I said, Well, you said three times that not to come, and I was really forceful, but I was doing it out of the intention of love and supporting you, and I realized that to support you was not to come over.
16:11
SPEAKER_02: So, so it's interesting.
16:13
SPEAKER_02: By the way, to my to my kids, I'm not bringing you burgers.
16:20
SPEAKER_02: I am not gonna control the I'm playing, obviously.
16:25
SPEAKER_02: Excuse me.
16:26
SPEAKER_02: Um, so so you know, how do we catch ourselves?
16:30
SPEAKER_02: You know, because I think that's the first step, right?
16:31
SPEAKER_02: Is catch yourself because it's so natural and so because we're we're just trying to help.
16:36
SPEAKER_02: We're trying to do all these things, or at least that's the story we're telling ourselves, that we are trying to I listen to you see.
16:45
SPEAKER_02: That's that's really what we're we're trying to do.
16:48
SPEAKER_02: But how do we catch ourselves?
16:50
SPEAKER_02: Stop it so that we catch ourselves more often.
16:53
SPEAKER_02: So it's such a natural thing or automatic thing.
16:56
SPEAKER_02: Let me let me rephrase that.
16:59
SPEAKER_01: So for me, there's a mantra I listened to that I learned in January, and it says, I release control to the flow of love.
17:11
SPEAKER_01: That's my healing.
17:13
SPEAKER_01: I listen to that every single day.
17:17
SPEAKER_01: Like literally, since I learned that song, I listened to it every single day.
17:21
SPEAKER_01: And when I was upset with my daughter for a situation that happened, I got in the car and I turned that song on.
17:29
SPEAKER_01: And I saw my body like this tense to relax.
17:33
SPEAKER_01: And then I wasn't upset with her anymore because being upset, being angry, being frustrated, being disappointed, that's all about control, by the way.
17:42
SPEAKER_01: Expectations, all about control.
17:45
SPEAKER_01: Expectations that works.
17:46
SPEAKER_01: So it is.
17:47
SPEAKER_01: So what do I do?
17:50
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes when my and I'm trained, train the people around you, train the people around you to be your biggest cheerleader.
17:57
SPEAKER_01: So if I'm doing something, my son will start going, I really control.
18:03
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, oh gosh, I was controlling.
18:06
SPEAKER_01: And we're having fun with it, and yet it's helping me.
18:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I thank him.
18:14
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't get upset because if I got upset, I'm trying to control the control.
18:19
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
18:23
SPEAKER_01: And every day I have an intention now too.
18:26
SPEAKER_01: And my intention is to stay in the flow.
18:29
SPEAKER_01: If you're in flow, you're not controlling.
18:32
SPEAKER_01: That is how that's the key.
18:34
SPEAKER_01: And Mike, this is crazy because I've been in personal development, like I said, since 2007.
18:40
SPEAKER_01: Since 2007, it's come to my attention by more than a lot of people that I have a very controlling persona.
18:50
SPEAKER_01: And I used to say, Me, I just like to get stuff done.
18:54
SPEAKER_01: Let's go, like organize it, get it done, let's go.
18:56
SPEAKER_01: I'm a high D on the disc, you know.
18:59
SPEAKER_01: Like, let's just get it done.
19:00
SPEAKER_01: And my intention is correct, but my delivery sucked, and it would come off controlling.
19:06
SPEAKER_01: And so for the longest time, people are like, I said, so how specifically could I change that?
19:13
SPEAKER_01: They're like, stay in the flow.
19:15
SPEAKER_01: Have you ever heard that?
19:17
SPEAKER_01: Stay in the flow.
19:19
SPEAKER_01: What the hell does that even mean?
19:22
SPEAKER_01: Like when you got six things on your calendar and you got doctor's appointments, and you need to find time to eat for yourself.
19:29
SPEAKER_01: Like, what does that even mean?
19:33
SPEAKER_01: And then I finally realized it.
19:36
SPEAKER_01: Let go of control.
19:38
SPEAKER_01: Move through your day, see what you have, appreciate what you have, celebrate what you have, and just that's it.
19:48
SPEAKER_01: You know?
19:49
SPEAKER_01: And it and it does get daunting sometimes.
19:51
SPEAKER_01: Overwhelm happens when we keep saying yes, because a lot of us are yes people.
19:55
SPEAKER_01: We say yes and then we figure it out.
19:57
SPEAKER_01: And sometimes the figure out puts us in burnout.
20:00
SPEAKER_01: And so now, you know, again, what do we have control over?
20:03
SPEAKER_01: We have control over that yes.
20:06
SPEAKER_01: We don't have to be everyone's hero.
20:09
SPEAKER_01: And even though opportunities come up and we want to say yes because we think it's gonna lead to a better opportunity.
20:15
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes what's best for you is to say no.
20:20
SPEAKER_02: I agree.
20:21
SPEAKER_02: That's why I'm gonna have control.
20:25
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
20:25
SPEAKER_01: I was just trying to finish up what control is so we can go into what connect is.
20:29
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, before we do, I just want I want to bring up something else that Vina is doing, right?
20:34
SPEAKER_02: Vina's working on herself, and guess what?
20:38
SPEAKER_02: Her kids see it as well.
20:42
SPEAKER_02: So what happens?
20:43
SPEAKER_02: That's a generational change.
20:45
SPEAKER_02: Because they're gonna respect mom is is doing the work, making the change, and they're gonna see the difference and they're going to adapt it as well.
20:55
SPEAKER_02: Which I think is absolutely fantastic.
20:57
SPEAKER_02: That we so often think we're just in this alone, right?
21:00
SPEAKER_02: We're just figuring this out alone.
21:02
SPEAKER_02: And when we realize the ripple effect, there is a tsunami effect that we create by our changes, and when people see it and respect the changes that we make, they want it to keeps going.
21:16
SPEAKER_02: So I just want to applaud you for that because it's it's missed so often that how much that affects the people around you and and everybody else going down the line in your family.
21:26
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thank you for that.
21:27
SPEAKER_01: Because that is like what I do, right?
21:29
SPEAKER_01: Like I'm I'm here to close that generational gap.
21:32
SPEAKER_01: And it starts by what we're modeling.
21:34
SPEAKER_01: And for our kids to see that mom's 52, which I'm ancient to them, by the way, and she can change.
21:42
SPEAKER_01: I'm only 13, I can change, you know, or my 27 year old or my 32 year old, like all my kids.
21:48
SPEAKER_01: It's like they get an opportunity to say that change it can be immediate.
21:53
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
21:54
SPEAKER_01: The effect of change doesn't happen overnight, but change can be immediate.
22:00
SPEAKER_02: As soon as you make the decision, change starts, correct?
22:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
22:03
SPEAKER_02: I said it's been actually do it.
22:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was telling my kids today, change what you see, and what you see will change.
22:10
SPEAKER_02: Love that.
22:11
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's it's reworded Wayne Dyer quote, but it's like it's so true.
22:17
SPEAKER_01: Like our filters, we have these filters, like, oh, they hate me.
22:20
SPEAKER_01: So your brain won't lie to you.
22:21
SPEAKER_01: So something happens, you're like, see, they hate me.
22:23
SPEAKER_01: But what if you're like, oh my gosh, they actually love me?
22:26
SPEAKER_01: Like they their intention for me is to heal inside.
22:29
SPEAKER_01: And then guess what?
22:30
SPEAKER_01: You have an interaction with that person, you're like, oh my God, they do like me.
22:33
SPEAKER_01: Like you feel that warm and fuzzy with them now, just by changing what you see in that person.
22:38
SPEAKER_01: And we're practicing all the time.
22:41
unknown: Yeah.
22:42
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely love it.
22:43
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely love it, my friend.
22:45
SPEAKER_01: So connection.
22:46
SPEAKER_01: So connection to me, and it's one of the things I'm gonna leave everybody with, but connection is building that rapport with that person and learning like what is support?
22:56
SPEAKER_01: Like, how could you support them?
22:58
SPEAKER_01: I'll use my son's backpack as an example.
23:00
SPEAKER_01: I ended up connecting to what he wanted instead of controlling what I wanted.
23:07
SPEAKER_01: And so I kept the backpack at home because that was what he asked.
23:11
SPEAKER_01: So hearing, effective listening is connecting.
23:15
SPEAKER_01: You know, it again, our intentions may be amazing, but the delivery is not great.
23:22
SPEAKER_01: So it's the delivery that gets communicated to the person receiving it.
23:27
SPEAKER_01: When you want your intention delivered, it's not what's delivered, it's the delivery of it.
23:35
SPEAKER_02: That's how so let's talk more now.
23:39
SPEAKER_02: Let's let's like dive in deep, right?
23:41
SPEAKER_02: Connection versus I'm sorry, just lost my thank you.
23:47
SPEAKER_02: I control that later.
23:52
SPEAKER_02: So so what moving forward, right?
23:57
SPEAKER_02: We have five minutes left here.
23:58
SPEAKER_02: So moving forward, when you're what is the best way, in your opinion, to kind of just really switch it from one to the other and really notice it.
24:09
SPEAKER_02: And I'm gonna, you know, we're of course we need to celebrate it so it you know gets into our neural pathways and all the good stuff and we catch it even faster and sooner.
24:17
SPEAKER_02: But what would you say are just giving us that kind of pattern, if you will, pattern interrupt, even to change it into what we want?
24:27
SPEAKER_01: Right.
24:28
SPEAKER_01: So for me, again, I definitely have that song playing in my head all the time.
24:32
SPEAKER_01: So if you have control, find that song on Spotify or whatever and just keep listening, let it be your mantra.
24:37
SPEAKER_01: Because literally, when I'm in controlling something, that song comes in my mind and I'm like, uh, so that's for me personally.
24:43
SPEAKER_01: But for those that don't have that mantra, I would ask yourself, am I doing this for my outcome or their outcome?
24:51
SPEAKER_02: I love that.
24:52
SPEAKER_02: And and and I mean, really, when you when you stop and think about that, take a breath, right?
25:00
SPEAKER_02: And really, is this true?
25:03
SPEAKER_02: What I'm thinking or feeling that that should just tell you those answers.
25:08
SPEAKER_02: Will you walk us through that kind of pattern?
25:11
SPEAKER_02: Is this true?
25:12
SPEAKER_02: I know you're you're so amazing at explaining this.
25:15
SPEAKER_02: So if you can go through that really quick.
25:17
SPEAKER_01: So is it true?
25:18
SPEAKER_01: You know, you have to, I mean, I think Byron Katie has the best for the the turnaround questions, the four turnaround questions.
25:26
SPEAKER_01: And like the last question is like, if you reverse it and put it about you, is it still true?
25:32
SPEAKER_01: And honestly, when somebody like I keep using that backpack because it's so good.
25:39
SPEAKER_01: It's if I said, Am I doing this for me or for him?
25:44
SPEAKER_01: I literally could have said, Well, I'm doing it for me.
25:46
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm doing it for him because I love him.
25:48
SPEAKER_01: I'm saving him gas.
25:51
SPEAKER_01: But really, am I?
25:52
SPEAKER_01: Because he's already said, Mom, don't come over.
25:57
SPEAKER_01: So am I really doing it for him?
25:59
SPEAKER_01: Because doing it for the other person is listening to what they want.
26:05
SPEAKER_01: You know, that's like the key to communication, by the way.
26:08
SPEAKER_01: It's how could I support you?
26:10
SPEAKER_01: And when they say you can support me by not calling me, not texting me, giving me space, you don't say, Well, I gave them five minutes, so I'm gonna call them now.
26:20
SPEAKER_01: That was enough space.
26:21
SPEAKER_01: Why do you get to control that, determine that?
26:24
SPEAKER_01: If you don't know, ask a better question.
26:26
SPEAKER_01: So, what would space actually look like to you?
26:30
SPEAKER_01: You know, how much space do you need?
26:33
SPEAKER_01: You know, I would love to resolve this.
26:35
SPEAKER_01: So when you're ready, could you text me then?
26:38
SPEAKER_01: Right.
26:38
SPEAKER_01: It's like having that nice conversation where that person actually feels heard.
26:43
SPEAKER_01: And guess what happens?
26:44
SPEAKER_01: When you ask somebody that, all of a sudden, most times when people are very irritated or upset, they're not being heard or seen.
26:51
SPEAKER_01: And so when you actually say that, like, what does that look like to you?
26:55
SPEAKER_01: And how could I support you in that?
26:56
SPEAKER_01: All of a sudden, you just did a pattern interrupt for them because all of a sudden, like, wait a second, the person I'm mad at for not seeing and hearing me is now seeing and hearing me.
27:04
SPEAKER_01: So now they're really confused in their brain.
27:08
SPEAKER_01: And that's what they're going away with, and that's what they get to sit with.
27:11
SPEAKER_01: And then guess what?
27:12
SPEAKER_01: Two hours later, you're like, hey, I'm ready to talk.
27:14
SPEAKER_01: And it's like, oh, I didn't think it was going to be because you've confused them now.
27:18
SPEAKER_01: Most people in this world just want to know they're enough and they just want to know they're loved.
27:23
SPEAKER_01: And by doing that, the antidote to that is seeing them, hearing them, and appreciating them.
27:33
SPEAKER_02: You know, I think that is first of all, it's beautiful what you just said.
27:38
SPEAKER_02: Because most people go through life like you were saying earlier, right?
27:41
SPEAKER_02: You just wanted to be seen, and your your solution at that time was going to the bars and all the stuff.
27:45
SPEAKER_02: And instead, maybe I stand out, I help people, then I do what I you know you do now, right?
27:50
SPEAKER_02: Because now you are really seen across the world, you are seen.
27:55
SPEAKER_02: So I I think that is that is beautiful.
27:57
SPEAKER_02: So I just want to touch base really quickly on connection.
28:01
SPEAKER_02: So it's important apparently.
28:04
SPEAKER_02: The as far as connection, how important is that with your relationships?
28:09
SPEAKER_02: And I know I know that's to be a 20-minute conversation by itself.
28:13
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna I'm watching the time with you.
28:15
SPEAKER_01: So connection is the most important thing to any relationship.
28:21
SPEAKER_01: Without connection, you don't have trust.
28:23
SPEAKER_01: Without connection, someone doesn't feel safe.
28:26
SPEAKER_01: Without connection, you know, there's no openness because people feel like you're gonna judge them.
28:32
SPEAKER_01: You cannot influence somebody if you're judging them.
28:35
SPEAKER_01: And kids know that.
28:37
SPEAKER_01: Your partners know that.
28:39
SPEAKER_01: So if someone's closed off from you, you got to ask yourself, is it my tone?
28:43
SPEAKER_01: Is it my delivery?
28:44
SPEAKER_01: Is it my choice of words?
28:45
SPEAKER_01: How am I not connecting appropriately to this person where they still feel they have to shut down and not be open to me?
28:52
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely love that.
28:54
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
28:54
SPEAKER_02: And by the way, I know we we we do all the place, so we can go over a couple of seconds, not a big deal.
28:59
SPEAKER_02: Thank you, thank you.
29:00
SPEAKER_02: It is so so important.
29:02
SPEAKER_02: I think connection is one of the most important things in life for everybody, period.
29:05
SPEAKER_02: For sure.
29:06
SPEAKER_02: When you don't have connection, you disappear, right?
29:09
SPEAKER_02: And of course, that's when drinking alcohol, suicides, and everything else happen, in my opinion.
29:13
SPEAKER_02: So especially the veteran community.
29:15
SPEAKER_01: We should do, I would love to do an episode on suicide.
29:19
SPEAKER_01: Like, let's let's definitely do it because I feel like that is a lot right now.
29:24
SPEAKER_01: I have friends in Austria that's going through that in their town.
29:28
SPEAKER_01: And, you know, I live in a military town here in Jacksonville, North Carolina.
29:32
SPEAKER_01: We have like, I don't know how many bases in the 30-mile radius of us.
29:37
SPEAKER_01: And so I've I've grown up here, well, the last 30, 40 years here with people that have gone, you know, PTSD and all that.
29:47
SPEAKER_01: So I would love to open that conversation and just give you my idea of somebody who thought was 21 years suicidal, and I've had an epiphany of realizing I really wasn't.
29:56
SPEAKER_01: I just wanted the suffering to die, and maybe having your listeners realize that there's another, there's another opportunity to see it a different way.
30:04
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
30:04
SPEAKER_02: We're we're open for that.
30:05
SPEAKER_02: Teaser, Venu's gonna be here next Wednesday.
30:08
SPEAKER_02: I'm just joking.
30:09
SPEAKER_01: Actually, I'm gonna be in New Zealand next Wednesday speaking.
30:12
SPEAKER_01: When I get back from New Zealand, all good, all good.
30:15
SPEAKER_02: So um, with that said, Venu, uh, how do people reach out to you?
30:19
SPEAKER_01: So I'm really easy to find.
30:21
SPEAKER_01: It's Venu Inspires all over my social media, my website, everything on Venu Inspires.
30:27
SPEAKER_01: If you guys want to have better communication with your kids, I have these calls called Chatter Matters.
30:32
SPEAKER_01: There's 10 different categories with 10 different questions.
30:36
SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna tell you every parent who has these, which is like 300 parents now, that I've been back in touch with that have bought these, they say this is what gets our kids to open up.
30:47
SPEAKER_01: Kids don't want to talk to you.
30:48
SPEAKER_01: How was your day?
30:49
SPEAKER_01: They're sick of that question.
30:50
SPEAKER_01: You tell you get in the car, you tell them to pull a card, they answer that question, and you watch how they open up.
30:57
SPEAKER_01: These get your kids to open up, these get your partners to open up, by the way.
31:01
SPEAKER_01: They're not just for kids, it's like for everyone that wants a better relationship, that wants connection, chatter matters.
31:09
SPEAKER_01: It really does.
31:10
SPEAKER_02: So uh I love it.
31:12
SPEAKER_02: Really quick, I'd have to say something.
31:13
SPEAKER_02: Here we go.
31:14
SPEAKER_02: We're gonna go over on time.
31:17
SPEAKER_02: So Susan and I were like watching TV, and let's let's open up, let's look at the cards, let's do the cards.
31:27
SPEAKER_02: So we turned off the TV and went through about 15, 20 cards, and it was fantastic.
31:32
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so it's not just for kids, guys.
31:34
SPEAKER_02: It's literally just for opening communication, and it's a it's a beautiful, easy communication.
31:42
SPEAKER_02: And I'm gonna say one other thing, it's not just for your partner, your kids, that kind of stuff.
31:48
SPEAKER_02: The thought process that opens up in these cards works with you too.
31:53
SPEAKER_02: Oh, chills, god bumps.
31:55
SPEAKER_02: Because I was like, oh no, I didn't think about that.
31:58
SPEAKER_02: Let me think about that for a minute.
31:59
SPEAKER_02: And it it it they're fun phenomenal.
32:01
SPEAKER_02: Get get a set.
32:02
SPEAKER_02: I'm just saying.
32:03
SPEAKER_01: And it's becoming an app.
32:04
SPEAKER_01: We're very close for it becoming an app too.
32:06
SPEAKER_01: So watch for the launch in the app.
32:09
SPEAKER_02: Fantastic.
32:10
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely love it.
32:11
SPEAKER_02: So, Venu, is there anything else that you're working on right now?
32:13
SPEAKER_01: Well, I have my Parent Child Whisperer course.
32:15
SPEAKER_01: If you want to become a certified family coach, not just coaching kids, not just coaching parents, but being the bridge, please go to my website and check out my Parent Child Whisper coaching structure.
32:25
SPEAKER_01: The next cohort starts in May.
32:26
SPEAKER_01: It's live coaching with me.
32:28
SPEAKER_01: I actually have a speaker coming into my my group today.
32:30
SPEAKER_01: So I have speakers that come in.
32:32
SPEAKER_01: You get mentored by me for a year.
32:34
SPEAKER_01: You get on my platform, parentchildwhisper.com, so people can see you when they Google it.
32:40
SPEAKER_01: So that's also it.
32:41
SPEAKER_01: And drum roll, please.
32:44
SPEAKER_01: My book, Parenting from Greatness, should be coming out this year, too.
32:46
SPEAKER_02: So excited for that.
32:49
SPEAKER_02: Excited for that too.
32:50
SPEAKER_02: With that said, Vina, thank you for being on as always.
32:53
SPEAKER_02: Time's the most precious resource we have as human beings.
32:56
SPEAKER_02: We do not get it back.
32:57
SPEAKER_02: Thank you for coming back and spending more of your time and life with us.
33:01
SPEAKER_02: We really appreciate it.
33:02
SPEAKER_02: Perfect.
33:03
SPEAKER_02: Thanks.
33:04
SPEAKER_02: All right, and on that note, we're out of here.
33:08
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of Your Thoughts, Your Reality Podcast with your host, Michael Cole.
33:15
SPEAKER_00: We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you.
33:19
SPEAKER_00: To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality, visit Empower Performance Strategies.com.
33:26
SPEAKER_00: Remember, your thoughts shape your reality, so make them count.
33:30
SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.
33:35
SPEAKER_00: Catch you on the next episode.