Latest / I Choose Me with Jennie Garth / Jumping for JOY with Dr Kerry Burnight

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Jumping for JOY with Dr Kerry Burnight · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: back to I Choose Me. I'm talking to doctor carry
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: burnit about living life in your second half with joy.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Let's get back into it. One of the things you
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: talk about are the pillars of joy span. The one
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: that really got me was giving. Yes, can you tell
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: us how important that is? Because, like I said before,
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  Speaker 1: we spend so much time taking care of other people
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  Speaker 1: that when we give to ourselves it feels selfish, but
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  Speaker 1: in giving to others, it's actually productive to our joy span. Yes.
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  Speaker 2: So we said that there are these four verbs that
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  Speaker 2: are the pillars, and I'm so mad because I wanted
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: them to spell a really catchy acronym, and so I
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  Speaker 2: would spend like a ridiculous amount of time coming up
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: with acronyms. I probably took years off my life. And
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  Speaker 2: finally one day I was in a coffee shop and
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  Speaker 2: I was like, screw it.
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  Speaker 1: It is simply the words that it is, so no acronym.
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  Speaker 2: I know, Okay, bomber. It starts with a G and
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: ends with a G, so that's something okay, okay, And
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  Speaker 2: then the middle to our c A. And we live
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  Speaker 2: in California, so if people can remember, then g C A.
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  Speaker 1: G GG Yeah, what's g okay?
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  Speaker 2: So I'll go through the four of them, and then
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  Speaker 2: if we wanted to start with giving, we can, because
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  Speaker 2: I feel like that's the most interesting one.
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  Speaker 1: Let's do it.
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  Speaker 2: So the four verbs are grow, and Linda touched on
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  Speaker 2: it connect with other humans, adapt, huge literature on what
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  Speaker 2: it means to adapt and why we have to. And
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  Speaker 2: then the final G is what you started with, which
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  Speaker 2: is give. And the thing about giving is it's giving
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  Speaker 2: of yourself and it requires that you recognize that you
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  Speaker 2: have something to give. And I love that you touched
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  Speaker 2: on the fact that we, as women and mothers and grandmothers,
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  Speaker 2: we've given a lot. But the component that you so
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  Speaker 2: beautifully add is about it's not giving that's going to
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  Speaker 2: empty us out. It's not just, for example, caregiving. It's
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  Speaker 2: not just meals and schedules and looking and seeming like
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  Speaker 2: you have it together. But it's giving that of who
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  Speaker 2: you are, and you need to recognize that those strengths
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  Speaker 2: of growing older and to see that you have something
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  Speaker 2: to give. And then also with giving is the other
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  Speaker 2: piece that nobody's talking about, and that is the ability
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  Speaker 2: to receive. So there's a lot of research that talks
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  Speaker 2: about the givers high right, if I do something for you,
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  Speaker 2: it feels kind of good because I've given.
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  Speaker 1: To It makes you feel better about yourself.
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  Speaker 2: But if we were all going to only just give,
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  Speaker 2: then what about the give like the other person? Like
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  Speaker 2: we're just all giving. So as we get older this
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  Speaker 2: ability to receive. So when if you're not feeling that
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  Speaker 2: well and your girlfriend says I'm going to bring dinner over,
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  Speaker 2: instead of our quick response which is no, no, I've
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  Speaker 2: got it, it's okay, you don't have to do that,
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  Speaker 2: we can learn in this second fifty to say thank you, Yes,
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  Speaker 2: Then that person feels good. We have that social connection.
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  Speaker 2: The next time that maybe you need something, all feel
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  Speaker 2: so joyful that I can then give you something. So
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  Speaker 2: it's give as a two way street. And our adult
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  Speaker 2: children are going to want to help us and give
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  Speaker 2: and navigating that where there is a certain amount of
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  Speaker 2: time that we say yes to some assistance and then
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  Speaker 2: also lay down some boundaries to say, I'll tell you
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  Speaker 2: in advance that you, as my adult, let's say thirty
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  Speaker 2: year old daughter, are not always going to agree with things,
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  Speaker 2: but as an adult I'm going to choose for my
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  Speaker 2: life how I'm going to do some of these things,
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  Speaker 2: and as long as I have cognitive capacity to make
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  Speaker 2: my own decisions. So instead of having only a conversation
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  Speaker 2: when you're ninety, we start these conversations with our adult
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  Speaker 2: children today planning the seeds. And maybe we could use
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  Speaker 2: our own parents as an example. You could say you
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  Speaker 2: could see how it was. It's really hard with your
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  Speaker 2: grandmother that she won't let us help in any way
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  Speaker 2: with her hip surgery recovery. And just to kind of
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  Speaker 2: start with these many, many conversations of how to navigate.
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  Speaker 1: It's so important. I think you also talk about different
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  Speaker 1: forms of giving. Yes. Is one of my favorites is
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  Speaker 1: just listening, giving an ear. Yes, it's the best.
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  Speaker 2: It's the best example. Right. Yes, I have someone now
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  Speaker 2: that I am so honored to know, and she now
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  Speaker 2: has a lot of physical challenges, and so she lives
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  Speaker 2: in a skilled nursing facility, but her give She is
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  Speaker 2: the best listener and intentionally she has listened to audibles
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  Speaker 2: about listening, she has watched Ted talks about listening. She
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  Speaker 2: has tried out different strategies every time I go to
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  Speaker 2: visit her. There's practically a line by her bed, and
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  Speaker 2: I get in it because I feel so seen and
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  Speaker 2: heard and understood by her listening. And yet you know,
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  Speaker 2: her body's contracted, her vision and her hearing our challenge.
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  Speaker 2: But what a role model she is to me about
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  Speaker 2: choosing things that we can continue to give all lifelong.
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  Speaker 1: I think one of the biggest misconceptions people have about
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  Speaker 1: happiness and later later in life is that we reach
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  Speaker 1: these milestones. You know, our kids are off on their own,
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  Speaker 1: they're happy, we're retired, we have grandchildren, and then we
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  Speaker 1: expect the joy to just come with all those blessings
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  Speaker 1: of life. But you said sometimes they don't, right, How
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  Speaker 1: can we prepare ourselves to be more in touch with
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  Speaker 1: joy span, Yes.
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  Speaker 2: You start small, and you start by noticing.
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  Speaker 1: So you go.
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  Speaker 2: When you very first wake up in the morning. Humans
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  Speaker 2: we all.
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  Speaker 1: I love that you say humans. By the way I
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  Speaker 1: say humans a lot. I kind of feel weird that
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  Speaker 1: we're just humans exactly like and we're quirky when you're
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  Speaker 1: boiling all day. We're the same exactly.
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  Speaker 2: So we humans lay in bed and you think, oh,
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  Speaker 2: my kids getting a divorce. My you know, ankle really hurts.
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  Speaker 2: The darn air condition isn't working. You know, you kind
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  Speaker 2: of list out problems, and what we give attention to
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  Speaker 2: is what we see more of. And that also is
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  Speaker 2: a neurological reticular activating system is such that when you
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: call attention to something, you see more of that. And
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  Speaker 2: that's the reason why you buy a Toyota Corolla and
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: then you see them everywhere on the road. They were
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  Speaker 2: there all along, but you it's what you draw attention to.
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  Speaker 1: Our minds are so powerful, so powerful, exactly. I never
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  Speaker 1: really knew, yes powerful though, And there's a lot of
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  Speaker 1: conversation now about that, about saying how you want your
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  Speaker 1: life to be exactly.
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  Speaker 2: And what you choose. So in the morning, when before
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  Speaker 2: before you even put your feet on the ground, if
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  Speaker 2: you can purposefully say, I get to go down and
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: have a cup of coffee. This silly dog of mine
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  Speaker 2: is so loyal and funny to me, My daughter and
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  Speaker 2: I are going to be able to grab a dinner
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  Speaker 2: at the end of the week. I have a roof
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  Speaker 2: over my head, right, And to really draw attention to
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  Speaker 2: those little things in your life, and that's what you'll
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  Speaker 2: start to see more of, because there's always always going
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  Speaker 2: to be things that are not right and that are hard,
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  Speaker 2: particularly as we grow older, but also there will always
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  Speaker 2: be things that still are right. And sometimes, like when
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  Speaker 2: I am down and pissed off and heartbroken, I want
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  Speaker 2: to say, like I don't see any I don't see
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  Speaker 2: any good things. There's only bad things. But in there
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  Speaker 2: isn't actually true. And so I have another friend who
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: has recently lost both of her limbs, and so it's
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  Speaker 2: added to in the morning, think I can step right
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  Speaker 2: onto these legs. How amazing that I have legs? You know?
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  Speaker 1: There. I mean, it's kind of corresponds with gratitude. It's
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  Speaker 1: basically the same thing being grateful instead of focusing on
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  Speaker 1: what's wrong, focusing on what's right.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, And it seems kind of like Gaggy like Pollyanna,
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  Speaker 2: like everything is right, except that the suffering that I've
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  Speaker 2: seen makes me think, regardless of if it feels stupid
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  Speaker 2: or if it feels overly simple, try it, you know.
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  Speaker 2: And when I watch people go from suffering so much
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  Speaker 2: to feeling some hope and some encouragement and then encouraging others,
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  Speaker 2: I think, I'm happy to put it out there. And
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  Speaker 2: it isn't just my beliefs or anything. It's what the
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  Speaker 2: research shows us. So it's like shining a light. When
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  Speaker 2: I used to just research dementia and depression and anxiety,
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  Speaker 2: it seemed so kind of academic. We can really take
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  Speaker 2: her serious because she does all this serious work. When
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  Speaker 2: I moved it to the other side, which was generosity, gratitude, humor,
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  Speaker 2: a lot of these things, it seems like, oh, that's
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  Speaker 2: not academic, But it's equally academic. It's equally powerful, if
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  Speaker 2: not more powerful. And particularly in this day and age
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  Speaker 2: where there are such struggles as a nation and such polarization,
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  Speaker 2: that actually we can think of joy and choosing and
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  Speaker 2: working on psychological well being almost as an act of resistance, right,
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  Speaker 2: Like it can be kind of a serious thing, this joy,
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  Speaker 2: this wellbeing, this trying to continue to add kindness and
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  Speaker 2: grace and appreciation to this phase of life. It's actually
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  Speaker 2: pretty important, it really is.
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  Speaker 1: I mean it's important. I think in your fifties starts
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  Speaker 1: you really start to tap into that in your fifties,
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  Speaker 1: in your sixties, and if you really practice it, and
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  Speaker 1: it's a practice, it's not something that you just flip
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  Speaker 1: a switch and it happens without any effort, right, So
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  Speaker 1: practicing it every day is another story. Yes, exactly what
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  Speaker 1: are the three things we can all be doing as
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  Speaker 1: we enter the second act of our life to thrive?
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  Speaker 2: Yes, so I think that we can tie them to
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  Speaker 2: the four pillars of joy spand so we talked about it.
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  Speaker 2: So people, you know, if your listeners are like me,
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  Speaker 2: when I listen to podcasts, I think, Okay, I want
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  Speaker 2: to walk away with something, So people know that it's GCAG.
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  Speaker 2: So that is grow, connect, adapt, and give. So we
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  Speaker 2: can go first to the grow. That is, am I
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  Speaker 2: pushing myself out of my comfort zone to try something new,
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  Speaker 2: to continue to develop myself all the way until my
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  Speaker 2: last breath. So that means at ninety years old, at
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  Speaker 2: one hundred years old, am I finding things that I
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  Speaker 2: can do differently? Or you know, make it make a
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  Speaker 2: decision to be, for example, a great listener, or make
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  Speaker 2: the decision that I'm going to share my cooking with somebody.
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  Speaker 2: So that's the grow the connect humans need humans. And
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  Speaker 2: then this eighty five year longitudinal study the same people
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  Speaker 2: over eighty five years, the biggest predictor of how somebody
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: would age wasn't exercise, It wasn't diet, it wasn't sleep. Certainly,
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  Speaker 2: wasn't how much protein or kale you had. It was
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  Speaker 2: in fact, these human relations and these connections, and the
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  Speaker 2: only way to have connection enough to last one hundred
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: years is to proactively be the one reaching out. To
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  Speaker 2: be that friend who offers to drive someone to chemo,
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: who plans the book club, who makes the reservations for
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: the getaway, who remembers it's been a year since your
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: mother's death. Right, So when people say to me, I'm
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: lonely as defined as not having as much social interaction
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  Speaker 2: as you'd like to have, I always ask the question,
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  Speaker 2: tell me about the outreach that you've done.
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  Speaker 1: It starts with you, right, it does.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, So when we feel excluded, we go, okay, wait
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  Speaker 2: am i Am I the one reaching out to others?
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  Speaker 2: So we've gotten grow, we've gotten connect and that puts
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  Speaker 2: us on the a adapt and adapting is from a
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  Speaker 2: beautiful literature on adaptation that was actually researchers in Israel,
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  Speaker 2: and what they showed was people who were able to
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  Speaker 2: take these life circumstances that we never chose, these hard
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  Speaker 2: things of losing a partner or a divorce, or a
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  Speaker 2: child getting ill. When we take those things really allow
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  Speaker 2: ourselves to feel the grief and to acknowledge the heartbreak
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  Speaker 2: and then put the work into thinking, Okay, now I
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  Speaker 2: still might have thirty years ahead of me, how am
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  Speaker 2: I going to carry this thing for the rest of
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  Speaker 2: my days so that this part doesn't just make thirty
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: more years of suffering.
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  Speaker 1: But it can't define you. Yes, I think a lot
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  Speaker 1: of people fall into that category of you know, when
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  Speaker 1: bad things happen, it just sort of takes over everything
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  Speaker 1: in their life.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, and you think, well, this I can't find joy
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  Speaker 2: because this heartbreak is too great. I'm going to suffer
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  Speaker 2: now for the rest of my life, and many people do.
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  Speaker 2: It's just it is my hope and that we can
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  Speaker 2: use proven internal and external coping mechanisms, counseling and sharing
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: and journaling and medications. There's a lot of things that
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: we can be doing to adapt to these situations. And
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: I was writing the chapter on adaptation, and we have
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: three adult children, and as I was writing about, oh,
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  Speaker 2: it's important to adapt because you're going to have these
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: life things that you never expected, and then of course
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: I had a life thing that I never expected, and
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: that was our middle daughter was just about to go
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  Speaker 2: off to medical school and was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: And so I was like, Carrie, you got to actually
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  Speaker 2: take your own advice, which is really grieve, really process
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  Speaker 2: and let people into your grief and put in the
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: work to think how am I going to navigate this?
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  Speaker 2: Because I thought I could get a brain tumor. My
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: ninety seven year old mom could get a brain tumor,
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: But my twenty four year old daughter what? But yes, yes,
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  Speaker 2: And because I work with older people, I was just
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: broken and I went in to work, and of course
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: I couldn't keep it together and I just was crying.
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  Speaker 2: And there was a group of women who were in
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  Speaker 2: their nineties and the listening that they did and then
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: the sharing that they did that they had been through
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  Speaker 2: stuff like one of them I never even knew had
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: lost a child. I didn't know that. But to have
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  Speaker 2: somebody ahead of me like, help me see you know
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  Speaker 2: that there is still a path even with the unthinkable
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  Speaker 2: so valuable.
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  Speaker 1: And I thought to.
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  Speaker 2: Myself, when I'm an older person, might I be able
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  Speaker 2: to do that to subsequent generations? And that kind of
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  Speaker 2: loops us back to the give, and the give is
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  Speaker 2: giving of yourself, recognizing that as long as you have
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: breath in your lungs. You have something to give.
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  Speaker 1: So I see you getting emotions, and I.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: Know people are so kind, they're going to say, oh,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: your dat her. So she wasn't able to go to
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: school and instead she moved home with us, which was
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: rough on her, but happily, I'm so grateful that she
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: it went to another medical school that is near her
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: neurologist and now she just does six month intervals of
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: MRIs and it's not growing. So as long as it's
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: not growing, she'll just keep doing our studies and maybe
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: it will never grow, but if it does, then we'll
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: address it then. But it's pretty it's not unusual, right,
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  Speaker 2: that's what.
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  Speaker 1: It's not unusual. It is life. It happens. It's happening
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  Speaker 1: to other people getting through it, and so can.
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  Speaker 2: You exactly, and that you know, aging is just another
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  Speaker 2: word for living, right, And that's why sometimes people will say, oh,
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  Speaker 2: it's great, you're an aging expert. And I even though
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: I studied gerontology and everything, it's not really an expert
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: because nobody nails it. Nobody goes, wow, I'm doing this
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: so well. Right, it's messy and it's humbling.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, everybody's dealing with something different.
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  Speaker 2: Exactly.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I mean, I feel like I've learned so much,
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  Speaker 1: but there's so much more in your book, joy Span,
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  Speaker 1: The Art and Science of Thriving on Life's Second Half.
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  Speaker 1: I hope everybody out there reads it and think you
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: for that personal update on your daughter. We all, of course,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: everyone listening, myself included, just hope that it never grows.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you very much, exactly. And yeah, and I like
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: something that she said recently. She said, well, you know,
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  Speaker 2: at least I know my thing. Everybody's going to have
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: a thing and I know mine, right, Yes, you do.
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  Speaker 1: Doesn't have to wait for that.
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  Speaker 2: I always got it.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, Before I let you go, I want to ask
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: you what is one I choose me moment that you
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: have adopted in your life to bring you more joy.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I happen to be lucky enough to have read
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: your book, and I took so much from it, and
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: it is really in line with this philosophy of that
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  Speaker 2: we have a choice and when we just succumb to
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: this oh don't get old kind of thing, you don't
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  Speaker 2: realize that that you play a role in it. And
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  Speaker 2: so something that I did in terms of choosing me
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: is I had to let go of a narrative, and
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  Speaker 2: that narrative was as somebody who loved school. I always
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: thought I like academic things, but I am not an athlete.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: I'm not coordinated. I'm just physically not good. And as
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: I've gotten older, I was like, what a lie. Of
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: course you can get better. You can choose to put
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: in effort to things that you have, like stories that
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: you've been told, like maybe somebody sometimes said you're not smart,
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: or somebody said you're not attractive, or you're not funny,
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: or you're not good with money. A lot of these
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: stories we can bust in the second half. And so
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: when I got this thought of like, huh, maybe it's
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: not true that I am such a physical goofball. Who
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: did get picked last pe? I did? I did because
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: I was all like skinny. But I started thinking like, well,
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: what if I could run a little bit?
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  Speaker 1: And then I ran a marathon?
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Now, like what if I could lift weight? Now I
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: left weight Monday Wednesday Friday, So kind of taking off
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: their old garbage that other people have put on us,
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: I didn't go.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah yet, letting go of those narratives. Yes, you know,
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: I've had that happen to me as well, where someone
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: has said something about me and I took it on. Yes,
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: And then that and because I took it on, I
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: started thinking about it and believing it and making it true,
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: making it true, making it happen because I was thinking
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: about it. Yes. But it's so it's so important that
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: we are able to sort of look at something and
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: you know, acknowledge what is our truth as opposed to
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: what other people's truth is. Yes, because we get to
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: choose our truth. Yes, and if we want to. I'm
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: choosing right now to row into my older years and
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: just really embody all of the things that I've learned
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: from your book.
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: And what's going to be what changes the world is
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: the fact that your children are going to have you
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: as an example. And I think if all of us,
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: these twelve thousand of us a day who are turning
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: sixty five, if we could step into our power that
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: you know, in the same way they used to say
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: women can't do this, women can't do that, and we're like, oh, really,
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: watch me, same thing with older It's like, you know what,
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: I'm ninety year old and these are the things that
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: I'm doing. How great for our daughters behind us to
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: look and go, huh. And I think that's going to
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: change society.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's going to change all the cycle. Yes, thank
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: you so much for.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: Sharing, thank you for having me.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: Everybody get this book because we're all going to age,
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: we're all going to get old.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: We're doing it right now.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: We gotta figure it out and get proactive. Thank you
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: so much, very huge, Jenny,