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What You Need to Know About Divorce with Kathy Boufford · Wake Up with Marci

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Wake Up with Marcy, a deep dive into
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  Speaker 1: self discovery. I'm your host, Marty Hopkins, and this is
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  Speaker 1: the space where we get real about life, transformation and
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  Speaker 1: finding our true selves. Oh all, and welcome back to
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  Speaker 1: Wake Up with Marcy, where we have real, raw conversations,
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  Speaker 1: explore radical healing, and wake up to our worth. I'm
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  Speaker 1: Marcy Hopkins, and I'm so grateful that you are here
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  Speaker 1: with us today. We are going to be diving into
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  Speaker 1: one of life's hardest but most often very transformative transitions, and.
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  Speaker 2: That is divorce.
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  Speaker 1: Whether you're navigating it now, se healing, or supporting someone
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  Speaker 1: going through it, this episode is for you. Divorce doesn't
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  Speaker 1: just end a marriage. It can feel like it's unraveling
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  Speaker 1: your identity, your future, and even.
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  Speaker 2: Your self worth. But what if through the pain there's
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  Speaker 2: also a path to power.
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  Speaker 1: Today I'm joined by Kathy Beaufford, a seasoned family law
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  Speaker 1: attorney with over thirty years of experience and the author
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  Speaker 1: of Divorce Matters, a practical and empowering guide for navigating
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  Speaker 1: divorce without losing yourself in the process. She has helped
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  Speaker 1: countless clients move from heartbreak to healing, and she's here
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  Speaker 1: to help us better understand what to expect, how to
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  Speaker 1: protect ourselves legally and emotionally, and how to reclaim our futures.
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  Speaker 1: So welcome Kathy to wake up.
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  Speaker 3: Thank you. I'm glad to be here.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, great to have you.
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  Speaker 1: So wow, I mean, divorce, it's frightening, it's overwhelming, it's
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  Speaker 1: a tragedy in so many.
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  Speaker 2: Of our lives.
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  Speaker 1: But can you share with us one of like, what
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  Speaker 1: are the biggest misconceptions that people have going into divorce?
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  Speaker 3: Wow, there's a lot of them.
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  Speaker 4: So first, like for timeframes, people it's either one end
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  Speaker 4: of the spectrum or the other. So people who have
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  Speaker 4: agreements are approaching the manner amicably with their spouse, which
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  Speaker 4: is always, if possible, the better way to go. They're
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  Speaker 4: actually surprised at how fast the process can be. In fact,
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  Speaker 4: in some states, including Connecticut where I work, if you
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  Speaker 4: have a full agreement, it's quite possible to get divorce
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  Speaker 4: and you never have to step foot in the courtroom
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  Speaker 4: at all. So they're very surprised by that because they
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  Speaker 4: just assume that it's going to be a long drawn
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  Speaker 4: out event. On the flip side, that's a happy outcome
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  Speaker 4: for them.
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  Speaker 3: On the flip side.
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  Speaker 4: There are many people who are of course, they're frustrated.
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  Speaker 4: They're at the end of their marriage and they want
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  Speaker 4: to be done yesterday, and they think it's going to
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  Speaker 4: move quicker than it does, and they're just surprised at
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  Speaker 4: how long the process takes. And one of the biggest
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  Speaker 4: frustrations is that period that we call discovery process where
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  Speaker 4: attorneys have to exchange certain financial information at a minimum
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  Speaker 4: in order for us to do our due diligence to
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  Speaker 4: make sure that everything kind of matches up, that nothing
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  Speaker 4: there's no red flags, everything looks okay, in order to
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  Speaker 4: get an idea of the financial history and be confident
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  Speaker 4: that where we are in the present we're okay with
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  Speaker 4: we know what we're talking about with the numbers, we
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  Speaker 4: don't have to worry about maybe chasing anything that looks
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  Speaker 4: funny or maybe something that happened in the past that
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  Speaker 4: we have to deal with, and then we can move
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  Speaker 4: forward and start talking about settlement with our clients and
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  Speaker 4: then also negotiating it with the attorney. That process of
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  Speaker 4: information gathering takes a long time, and there's a lot
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  Speaker 4: of frustration that comes with that. So getting people, you know,
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  Speaker 4: acclimated to the timeline, and there's lots of other things
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  Speaker 4: that have to take place before you can reach either
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  Speaker 4: an agreement.
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  Speaker 3: Even in a.
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  Speaker 4: Contested case, we try to reach an agreement or you
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  Speaker 4: get to trial. So one of the things that I
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  Speaker 4: try to explain, and I've tried to explain in the
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  Speaker 4: book is to kind of take people through that process
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  Speaker 4: so that they understand all the different elements and if
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  Speaker 4: they can be prepared for that, then that's one frustration
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  Speaker 4: that they shouldn't have to worry about because they can
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  Speaker 4: expect it, they can plan for it. I give people
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  Speaker 4: a lot of tips on how to you know, what's
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  Speaker 4: probably going to be expected of them, what's going to
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  Speaker 4: be asked of them, so that they can.
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  Speaker 3: Start gathering that information early.
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  Speaker 4: People sometimes also, you know, they underestimate sometimes the adversity
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  Speaker 4: that they may face going through divorce. I mean, some
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  Speaker 4: people know well in advance that it's going to be
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  Speaker 4: a hard road, but some people are either you know,
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  Speaker 4: either either hopefully optimistic or they've been tricked into thinking
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  Speaker 4: that this was going to be an easy process and
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  Speaker 4: then they are surprised by there's a lot of roadblocks
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  Speaker 4: that a spouse can place. And again, one of those things.
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  Speaker 4: Dealing with a discovery process is not producing information or
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  Speaker 4: withholding information from the other party. So again, if you
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  Speaker 4: can kind of preemptively grab that stuff ahead of time,
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  Speaker 4: that's just one more a way that the process might
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  Speaker 4: be easier for you and less expensive for you because
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  Speaker 4: you've kind of bypassed those roadblocks that may arise and
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  Speaker 4: often arise in contentious cases.
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  Speaker 1: So would these be things that you're gathering? So you've
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  Speaker 1: written a book Divorce Matters, and I know that you're
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  Speaker 1: helping people through the process, But is this something that
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  Speaker 1: let's say you're thinking about divorce or you know, maybe
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  Speaker 1: it's imminent or your husband's like maybe getting signs, or
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  Speaker 1: is this early planning, like something that you can do
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  Speaker 1: before it the papers are actually served. And then would
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  Speaker 1: this help you to navigate this emotionally?
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  Speaker 2: Also?
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  Speaker 4: Yes, yes, the book was certainly written in mind for
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  Speaker 4: people looking for divorce when they're in the pre divorce stages.
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  Speaker 4: There were a lot of people over the years, there
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  Speaker 4: are a lot of people that had called me up,
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  Speaker 4: you know, and they said they weren't ready yet or
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  Speaker 4: they didn't know if they were going to get a divorce,
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  Speaker 4: but they were trying to somehow get a hold of
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  Speaker 4: what they can expect, what they might be able to
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  Speaker 4: do ahead of time, to prepare. A lot of people
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  Speaker 4: didn't even know this was an option to kind of
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  Speaker 4: pre prepare. And sometimes when they called, if they sounded
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  Speaker 4: a little ambivalent or you know it, quite frequently people
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  Speaker 4: would call me and they don't even know what to ask,
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  Speaker 4: but they but they but they've called me, right, they've
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  Speaker 4: they've they've contacted me. So then I'd say, Okay, then
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  Speaker 4: I'd start asking the questions, and if they felt like
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  Speaker 4: they were unsure they didn't know. I found that giving
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  Speaker 4: people kind of the lay of the land, like a
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  Speaker 4: brief overview of what they can expect or what information
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  Speaker 4: they may need to gather, things they might have to
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  Speaker 4: look out for, depending on what they were telling me.
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  Speaker 4: Just that little bit of information over the years over
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  Speaker 4: the phone. You know that that safety net kind of
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  Speaker 4: thing meant so much to people to be able to
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  Speaker 4: just reach out and get that information.
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  Speaker 1: That information is power, right, and especially in such a difficult,
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  Speaker 1: difficult time, even the thought of navigating a divorce and
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  Speaker 1: moving forward with that, and especially for women that have
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  Speaker 1: been in relationships for so long, I mean, their everything
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  Speaker 1: has been, you know, their marriage and their children and
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  Speaker 1: now to think that that's going to be lost. And
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  Speaker 1: so many of the clients that you've had, they lose
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  Speaker 1: themselves in their marriage. I mean, and that's normal. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: there's so many of us that do it. I could
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  Speaker 1: say that myself. So what are some of the emotional
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  Speaker 1: patterns that you see as they.
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  Speaker 2: Start to discover who they are?
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  Speaker 1: I mean it, I would think and help me along
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  Speaker 1: with this because I've not gone through divorce. I've gone
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  Speaker 1: through difficult times in my marriage, but I've not gone
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  Speaker 1: through divorce.
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  Speaker 2: I would think.
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  Speaker 5: That that you are in such turmoil before this even starts,
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  Speaker 5: and so emotionally you are navigating so many different emotions.
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  Speaker 2: Through this process.
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  Speaker 1: But one of the things that you talk about is
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  Speaker 1: rediscovering who you are. So how can you help someone
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  Speaker 1: to start navigating all of these emotions that they are
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  Speaker 1: dealing with and starting to to have to rediscover themselves
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  Speaker 1: because they're no longer going to be with that person
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  Speaker 1: that they've immersed themselves into and their lives into.
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  Speaker 4: Sure, well, it's a process, like like most things, right,
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  Speaker 4: So when when people first come to me, their their
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  Speaker 4: emotions are very heightened and they're all over the place,
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  Speaker 4: and understandably, you know, they have they have fear. They
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  Speaker 4: some people have guilt, some people have regret, some people
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  Speaker 4: have anger, despair.
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  Speaker 3: They come with a whole bunch of emotions.
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  Speaker 4: And although I always say I'm not a therapist, I
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  Speaker 4: talk through all of that with them because what I
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  Speaker 4: can offer them is, you know, some comfort knowing that
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  Speaker 4: you know, we I've gone through this, This is you know,
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  Speaker 4: many people have gone through this. What they're feeling is
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  Speaker 4: just kind of acknowledging what they're feeling is normal is
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  Speaker 4: very helpful to people, right and letting them know that,
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  Speaker 4: you know, thousands of people have gone through this process
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  Speaker 4: and they're okay, you know it's not I don't try
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  Speaker 4: to sugarcoat it. I don't say it's going to be easy,
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  Speaker 4: but I do tell them that there are things that
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  Speaker 4: they can do to.
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  Speaker 3: Make it easier.
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  Speaker 4: And even knowing what the hard parts are, you know,
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  Speaker 4: or what may come to be, that in and of
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  Speaker 4: itself is comforting and I can and they can kind
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  Speaker 4: of prepare themselves for that, so as we go through
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  Speaker 4: the process, when they get that initial information, that kind
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  Speaker 4: of lowers their anxiety a little bit. As we go
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  Speaker 4: through it, We take.
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  Speaker 3: Care of like some immediate.
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  Speaker 4: Concerns that they have, and then we kind of start
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  Speaker 4: to work on their future, their post divorce life. And
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  Speaker 4: we start to talk about that early on because I
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  Speaker 4: sit down and again, right now their mind is on
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  Speaker 4: the here and now understandably, like.
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  Speaker 3: What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen
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  Speaker 3: to me? Kids? Where am I going to live? You know?
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  Speaker 4: But we as we start to talk about what they think,
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  Speaker 4: you know, their their like say like if they have kids,
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  Speaker 4: We start to talk about what parenting plan might work
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  Speaker 4: for them in their in their family, and it forces
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  Speaker 4: them to think about, you know, and again the initial
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  Speaker 4: response will be all the things that aren't going to
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  Speaker 4: be the same. So when I talk about holidays, you know,
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  Speaker 4: they think about everything that we won't be doing this,
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  Speaker 4: we won't be doing that. So I break it down
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  Speaker 4: and I say, well, what, you know, people usually have
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  Speaker 4: certain patterns. Where do you usually spend Thanksgiving? Where would
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  Speaker 4: you normally what would you normally do for for Easter?
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  Speaker 3: What would you normally do for Mother's Day?
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  Speaker 4: And then we kind of take that and figure out, well,
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  Speaker 4: what parts can we hang on to, you know, Obviously
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  Speaker 4: it's not going to be exactly the same, but it
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  Speaker 4: doesn't have to be completely different. When they talk through that,
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  Speaker 4: sometimes they do want to really change something. Sometimes they
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  Speaker 4: do want to do something out of the box, and
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  Speaker 4: we kind of think about it in terms of, you know,
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  Speaker 4: change doesn't have to be bad, right, So if we're
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  Speaker 4: going to change something, let's do something maybe that you've
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  Speaker 4: always wanted to do, or is there something that you know,
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  Speaker 4: just because of tradition, you never got an opportunity to
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  Speaker 4: do that you might have liked to do, or that
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  Speaker 4: the kids might have liked to do. And it starts
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  Speaker 4: to get them thinking about like life on the other side,
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  Speaker 4: so to speak, and they start to think about what
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  Speaker 4: they want, you know, and what the kids want as
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  Speaker 4: opposed to what was what they did as a family.
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  Speaker 4: So it starts to awaken, At least from my perspective,
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  Speaker 4: it starts to kind of awaken.
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  Speaker 3: There's a self awareness.
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  Speaker 4: That becomes a parent and sometimes oftentimes women will vocalize
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  Speaker 4: that to me, sometimes men too, but more often women
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  Speaker 4: will say, wow, like I haven't thought about that in years,
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  Speaker 4: or wow, I forgot that I used to have that hobby,
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  Speaker 4: or gee, together with an old friends because because now
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  Speaker 4: they had some downtime.
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  Speaker 1: Right.
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  Speaker 4: So again, it's a mind I always say it's a
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  Speaker 4: mind shift. It's it's really which you know, it's it's you.
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  Speaker 2: You.
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  Speaker 4: You have to you have that thought from within, and
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  Speaker 4: it can change your entire outlook. So at first, it's
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  Speaker 4: I'm not gonna see my kids, I'm not going to
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  Speaker 4: have my kids this Friday, or I'm not gonna have
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  Speaker 4: my kids this weekend, and it's all about boss and
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  Speaker 4: it is a loss. It's it is a loss. I
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  Speaker 4: don't and again I don't sugar quote things. I don't
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  Speaker 4: say a well, don't worry about it. But again, you
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: can sit there and you can be upset the whole
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  Speaker 4: time they're gone, and you can make yourself feel miserable,
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  Speaker 4: and you can make your kids feel guilty knowingly or
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  Speaker 4: unknowingly they know how you feel. Or you could say,
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  Speaker 4: all right, you know they're fine, they're gonna be away
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  Speaker 4: for me, they're going to have some time with with
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  Speaker 4: with my soon to be spouse or my spouse. Now
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  Speaker 4: what am I going to do with myself? So I
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  Speaker 4: have time now to maybe go back to something I like.
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  Speaker 1: So exactly rediscovering yourself yes, So what is a good
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  Speaker 1: way to not put a lot of guilt on your
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  Speaker 1: children and and talk with them through this process because
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  Speaker 1: it got to be so hard.
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  Speaker 3: It is hard. It's hard.
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  Speaker 4: It's you can't mask your feelings totally right and you're
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  Speaker 4: in your kids know, they know that.
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  Speaker 3: You know. Obviously different ages, no different things.
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  Speaker 4: But kids are very they're very intuitive as to what's
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  Speaker 4: going on when things aren't right. So to try to
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  Speaker 4: pretend that everything is fine and you know, and that
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  Speaker 4: nothing will change is probably not the best idea, even
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  Speaker 4: though that may seem like almost like an overprotective.
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  Speaker 3: Thing to do.
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  Speaker 4: But at the same time, you just can't dump all
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  Speaker 4: your emotions on your kids, even older kids. That's something
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  Speaker 4: that I've through talking with a lot of family therapists
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  Speaker 4: and even you know, some feedback from children themselves, as
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  Speaker 4: older children sometimes tend to take the brunt of you know,
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  Speaker 4: being the shoulder to Lena for their the parents think
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  Speaker 4: that they're old enough to take to do it, and
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  Speaker 4: they really aren't. They're still children. So it's like part
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  Speaker 4: of my education is just reminding parents, you know, it's
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  Speaker 4: okay to you have to talk to your kids, and
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  Speaker 4: you have to talk to them at their different you know,
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  Speaker 4: age levels, and sometimes that requires different conversations with different children, right,
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: not all together all the time, but they have to
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  Speaker 4: make sure to find those boundaries. And when you have
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  Speaker 4: those days that are really bad or something, you know
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  Speaker 4: there's going to be a trigger coming up that's going
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  Speaker 4: to make you. If you know that, you're going to
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  Speaker 4: have a hard time, try to be aware of that
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  Speaker 4: and try to you know, kind of separate yourself, like
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  Speaker 4: go often do something yourself or have your you know,
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  Speaker 4: we all need our pity parties, right, our own pity
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  Speaker 4: perce do and it's okay, but but do it. You know,
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  Speaker 4: we all have our anger times. You know, go punch
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  Speaker 4: your pillow or you know, take it out, go to
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  Speaker 4: the gym. Being aware is the best thing. So when
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  Speaker 4: people are aware, everyone wants to be the best parent.
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  Speaker 3: Right.
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  Speaker 4: So being aware is so much because then we can
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  Speaker 4: make a choice and say, okay, I'm not you know,
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  Speaker 4: this probably wouldn't be a good time to have a
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  Speaker 4: conversation with my child or you know, but certainly don't
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  Speaker 4: share share.
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  Speaker 3: Things, you know.
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  Speaker 4: Sometimes again, parents have a tendency to tell children because
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  Speaker 4: I think they're feeling vulnerable.
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  Speaker 3: You know we're going to court.
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  Speaker 4: Today or we're going to try to work something out,
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  Speaker 4: you know, and it's it's not healthy for kids to
• 16:47
  Speaker 4: know that because then they worry, you know, and they
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  Speaker 4: worry a lot. And sometimes I think people maybe do
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  Speaker 4: it to try to get the spouse to agree because
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: they know that the kids know. There's all different kinds
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  Speaker 4: of of things that our brains tell us to do.
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  Speaker 4: Is and as part of it is protection self protection.
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  Speaker 4: But we really have to take a step back when
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  Speaker 4: involving your kids and try as much as possible not
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  Speaker 4: to share, you know, anything with them.
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  Speaker 2: And they're truly affected.
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  Speaker 4: Yes yeah from family therapists will constantly say, no matter what,
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  Speaker 4: you just tell the kids that everything's going to be okay.
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  Speaker 4: That's what you keep telling them. Yes, we're going through
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  Speaker 4: a divorce. Yes things are going to change, Yes things
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  Speaker 4: might not look the same. Yes, we're going to be
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  Speaker 4: angry at each other. That's all okay, you know, Yes
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  Speaker 4: mommy's her or daddy's her. Yeah, that's fine, we're gonna
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  Speaker 4: be sad once in a while, but that they're going
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  Speaker 4: to be okay. That's what you need to keep telling.
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  Speaker 1: Them that I love that and and make them not
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  Speaker 1: feel like they're at fault in some way because of
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  Speaker 1: what is happening.
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  Speaker 4: Absolutely, they tend to take on kill with adults would
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  Speaker 4: understand would never be the reason for the breakdown, but
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  Speaker 4: children obviously internalize things differently, and they do think that,
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  Speaker 4: you know, they're the center of the universe, which in
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  Speaker 4: some ways they are. They actually often even older children
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  Speaker 4: often think if I just did this better, if I
• 18:19
  Speaker 4: didn't do that better, or maybe if I act better now,
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  Speaker 4: that they'll.
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  Speaker 3: Come back together. They harbor that that hope.
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  Speaker 4: So, you know, so again you don't want to you
• 18:29
  Speaker 4: don't want to pretend it's not happening, because they will
• 18:32
  Speaker 4: fuel you know, it's like a it's like a it's
• 18:35
  Speaker 4: a hard balancing act because you don't want to have
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: them think that things are going to get better, meaning
• 18:42
  Speaker 4: that you'll get back together, because that's not healthy. They
• 18:45
  Speaker 4: need to learn that that's going to be you know,
• 18:47
  Speaker 4: they have to deal with their own loss, but it's
• 18:51
  Speaker 4: very important to let them know that it has absolutely
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: nothing to do with them, that they're still going to
• 18:56
  Speaker 4: be loved by both parents, that they're going to be
• 18:58
  Speaker 4: taking care of and everyone is going to be okay.
• 19:01
  Speaker 4: So that they don't have to worry about mom, they
• 19:03
  Speaker 4: don't have to worry about dad because they do a
• 19:06
  Speaker 4: lot of worrying they do.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about negative ways that women start coping,
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: whether it's taking prescription medications or they start drinking excessively.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: What are some positive.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: Ways to deal with this very difficult time instead of
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: turning to these negative ways of coping. Because listen, you're
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: going to have difficulties sleeping, You're going to have difficulty
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: navigating this. The way that you're feeling, You're distraught, right,
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: you feel depleted.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: You can't even imagine life on the other side.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: So what are some positive ways that someone can stay
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: grounded and help them navigate this very difficult time.
• 19:58
  Speaker 4: I think with women as especially who you know, I
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: think women in general have time taking have a hard
• 20:07
  Speaker 4: time taking care of themselves and setting up boundaries.
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: We do, that's what we do.
• 20:12
  Speaker 4: And in fact, when things go downhill such as this,
• 20:16
  Speaker 4: we tend to take on more. You know, you know,
• 20:19
  Speaker 4: we can. We're going to fix the world. We're gonna
• 20:22
  Speaker 4: there's just give me enough duct.
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: Tape and we're going to fix it.
• 20:25
  Speaker 5: And and.
• 20:27
  Speaker 4: You know, like you said, even if you have to
• 20:30
  Speaker 4: employ means that aren't healthy. That's what they'll do. So
• 20:33
  Speaker 4: they will, you know, they'll they'll turn to substances, although
• 20:37
  Speaker 4: they'll they'll not sleep, you know, they'll burn the candle
• 20:41
  Speaker 4: at both ends. So really, especially with women, you've got
• 20:48
  Speaker 4: to recognize again, it comes with awareness, right, recognize it.
• 20:53
  Speaker 4: Stop and think if you you know, if you are
• 20:56
  Speaker 4: not healthy yourself, you're not going to be of any
• 20:59
  Speaker 4: use to anybody else. If you're overtired, if you're irritable,
• 21:03
  Speaker 4: it's going to make the whole process that much harder
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: because it takes a lot of mental stamina to get
• 21:10
  Speaker 4: through a divorce, especially even in an in an uncontented
• 21:14
  Speaker 4: what we call an uncontested divorce, it's still going to
• 21:16
  Speaker 4: take a lot of mental stamina because again, it's a
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: breakdown of the marriage, it's a change. You still have
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: to talk with your attorney, deal with the court. You
• 21:25
  Speaker 4: have to make decisions, you have to listen to what
• 21:27
  Speaker 4: the attorney is telling you, all of which is like
• 21:30
  Speaker 4: you know, legal jargon. And even though we try to
• 21:32
  Speaker 4: make it as easy as possible, we know it's hard.
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: You know, like you're you're already because of the stress.
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: It's hard for you to understand and focus on things.
• 21:42
  Speaker 4: Especially things that are new, when you have so many working,
• 21:46
  Speaker 4: changing parts in your life.
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: It's not just one little change, it's like a big change.
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: It's everything. So you actually need to be healthier. You know,
• 21:55
  Speaker 3: you have to be more arrested in order to and.
• 21:59
  Speaker 4: I tell people not only to take care of yourself,
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: that you could be a bit better parent because you know,
• 22:05
  Speaker 4: we all know your patience is tested when you're over
• 22:08
  Speaker 4: tired and stressed. Right, So in order to you know,
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: you want to you want to be there for you, you
• 22:13
  Speaker 4: have to be there more for your kids. You've got
• 22:16
  Speaker 4: to be able to have the patience to do that.
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: And you in order for that, you have to have
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: health and you have to have your rest.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: You don't want to have more guilt and shame through
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: this process.
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: Correct, It's like it's just a flippery slope. You know.
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: You you go, you get up and you're tired, and
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: then you yell at the kids and then you you know,
• 22:34
  Speaker 4: you kick the dog.
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: On your way out. Not you, Yeah, you mess up
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: that work.
• 22:39
  Speaker 4: You know, you make the wrong decision or you just
• 22:41
  Speaker 4: tell the attorney just do whatever you want.
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: I don't want to I don't want to deal with it.
• 22:44
  Speaker 3: I can't deal with it.
• 22:45
  Speaker 4: And then later, you know, you look back and go, oh, geezu,
• 22:48
  Speaker 4: this was not very good.
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: So I tell people all the time and it's really
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: really hard.
• 22:52
  Speaker 4: So get a lot of sleep. I mean it sounds basic,
• 22:55
  Speaker 4: but it's it's hard. You know, you get a lot
• 22:57
  Speaker 4: of sleep. Get that frustration. So if it's taking a walk,
• 23:02
  Speaker 4: if it's going to the gym, if it's doing you know,
• 23:05
  Speaker 4: doing the meditation is really good and it's so easy.
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: There's so many apps.
• 23:10
  Speaker 4: Out there that just you know, for ten minutes or
• 23:13
  Speaker 4: fifteen minutes, if you can wind down, or just any
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: time of the day if you need it, that's really good.
• 23:20
  Speaker 4: Worst case scenario, you know, a last minute is just
• 23:23
  Speaker 4: that quick easy five deepress in, five deepress out. You know,
• 23:26
  Speaker 4: if you're especially if you're transitioning, So what are we doing?
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: And again it's not just women, but often women. We're
• 23:33
  Speaker 4: be bopping all around, right, We're going from home to
• 23:35
  Speaker 4: the kids, to the work to that that's that's that all.
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: Over the place.
• 23:39
  Speaker 4: So make that transition time, that a little bit of
• 23:45
  Speaker 4: meditation time. If you've got the app, maybe just do
• 23:48
  Speaker 4: five minutes before you get out of the car, you know,
• 23:52
  Speaker 4: just a breathing, breathing before So before you get out
• 23:55
  Speaker 4: of the car from work and into the house when
• 23:58
  Speaker 4: you have to start your next five jobs, Yeah, take
• 24:02
  Speaker 4: five minutes get to work. And if you have time
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: allows you know, if you're working outside of the home,
• 24:08
  Speaker 4: after you get there, take five minutes before you get
• 24:12
  Speaker 4: out of your car. If you work from home, that's
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: sometimes harder because now we have no boundaries, right, we
• 24:18
  Speaker 4: already have no boundaries, but now we have right boundaries.
• 24:21
  Speaker 4: So a lot of people say, well from home, but
• 24:24
  Speaker 4: they have no boundaries whatsoever at all. So make those boundaries.
• 24:29
  Speaker 4: Have a dedicated workspace, and before you go into that
• 24:31
  Speaker 4: work space, still do.
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: That little bit of exercise.
• 24:36
  Speaker 4: It could be a prayer, you know, Yeah, say a
• 24:39
  Speaker 4: quick prayer before you go in.
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: The reality is we are our nervous system. Our nervous
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: system is on overload. And all of these solutions that
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: you're giving us are to calm our nervous system, to reset,
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: to help us to think better. And the apps are great.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: I just want you to know that I get my
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: meditations on YouTube and there's so many that help with
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: calming the nervous system kind of takes you through five, ten,
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: fifteen minutes and it's fantastic.
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: So let's just talk about your book.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: So hopeful, even though we're talking about something that's so painful.
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: We need the help, we need the resources.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: So what message would you like to give the reader
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: and the listeners about your book Divorce Matters?
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: What would you like them to take with them.
• 25:40
  Speaker 4: I'd like them to know that there's a lot of
• 25:43
  Speaker 4: information that will help them no matter what stage they
• 25:47
  Speaker 4: are in. I also like to think that it helps,
• 25:51
  Speaker 4: and I've been told that it helps people who aren't
• 25:54
  Speaker 4: going through the divorce process themselves but are helping someone
• 25:57
  Speaker 4: go through the divorce process. Most people will thankfully have
• 26:01
  Speaker 4: someone that they can lean on, Like you know, so
• 26:03
  Speaker 4: instead of talking to their children, they have maybe a sibling,
• 26:06
  Speaker 4: maybe it's a parent, maybe it's just a close friend,
• 26:10
  Speaker 4: and those support people. Having the book, knowing what the
• 26:15
  Speaker 4: process is going to be like, having heard a lot
• 26:19
  Speaker 4: of the legal terms explained helps them when they're the
• 26:25
  Speaker 4: person that they're helping starts talking about the process. So
• 26:28
  Speaker 4: if they're talking about a deposition, or they're talking about
• 26:30
  Speaker 4: the discovery process, or they're talking about negotiations. They have
• 26:34
  Speaker 4: a basic understanding of that because they you know, I
• 26:37
  Speaker 4: tried to and I've tried to write it in very
• 26:40
  Speaker 4: simplistic terms, you know, only because not because I think
• 26:43
  Speaker 4: that the reader is not intelligent enough, but because I've
• 26:46
  Speaker 4: tried to make it access, you know, to relate to
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: a non attorney, so that even when you're talking with
• 26:54
  Speaker 4: your attorney, some of this stuff will sound familiar. Or
• 26:58
  Speaker 4: if your attorney tells you something, you can go back
• 27:01
  Speaker 4: and then re kind of rego over it and not
• 27:05
  Speaker 4: being charged by the attorney to repeat themselves, but to
• 27:07
  Speaker 4: go over to read it at your leisure and to
• 27:10
  Speaker 4: take notes. So I just so many people the feedback
• 27:14
  Speaker 4: I get is that there and this is why I
• 27:17
  Speaker 4: wrote the book. So many people used to say, I
• 27:18
  Speaker 4: wish I had this information ahead of time. I wish
• 27:21
  Speaker 4: I had known this ahead of time. I wish I
• 27:23
  Speaker 4: had talked to you before, and and it just makes
• 27:26
  Speaker 4: them feel better. When you feel better and you know
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: you could make better decisions for yourself. Another you know,
• 27:32
  Speaker 4: big part of this is telling you how to find
• 27:36
  Speaker 4: the right attorney for yourself. People don't know. They often
• 27:39
  Speaker 4: just go to the one first person, or they don't
• 27:40
  Speaker 4: know that they have a choice, they don't know questions
• 27:43
  Speaker 4: to ask the attorney. There's a whole chapter devoting to
• 27:46
  Speaker 4: me how to find someone that you feel comfortable with
• 27:51
  Speaker 4: and what questions because you really should be interviewing the
• 27:53
  Speaker 4: attorney find out because, like you said, since stress is
• 27:58
  Speaker 4: such a high part of it, if you're not confident
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: in your attorney, which sometimes happens, people come to me
• 28:04
  Speaker 4: later and say, it's it's really bad, you know, Whereas
• 28:10
  Speaker 4: if you know at least someone's you know, got your
• 28:12
  Speaker 4: back and they you know, and.
• 28:14
  Speaker 3: You developed that working partnership.
• 28:17
  Speaker 4: And I tell you how to do that in the book,
• 28:19
  Speaker 4: how you can work with your attorney that lowers the
• 28:23
  Speaker 4: stress level very very much. So that's going to help
• 28:27
  Speaker 4: you as well well.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: I absolutely love it, Kathy, and I just want to
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: thank you so much for taking the time to be
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: with us today and you know, speak on something.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: That God, it's it's it's so overwhelming.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: I just hear all of the stories and just to
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: be informed is so helpful. And for everyone out there
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: that's listening or if you're you're watching, know that the
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: information is below for Kathy's book, Divorce Matters There's a
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: link below where you can find the book, and you
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: can find it anywhere books are sold. And I just
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: want you to know, for those that are listening, if
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: you're walking through a breakup, a divorce, or even just
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: a season of rediscovery, I want you to.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: Remember that you're not broken, and you.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: Are being rebuilt into someone wiser, stronger, and more whole
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: than you ever were before, and you get to be
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: whoever it is that you want to be on the
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: other side of this. So I want to thank you
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: all for joining us on Wake Up with Marcy. Until
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: next time, keep waking up to your worth. Kathy, thank
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: you so much for being on the show.
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: You're welcome, Thank you for having me all
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: Right, Bye bye everyone, and I'll see you next week.