Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #151 The 3 Words Your Child Needs To Hear

Transcript

#151 The 3 Words Your Child Needs To Hear · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Is acceptance going to bring out the best in your child?
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  Speaker 1: Or is rejection and judgment going to bring out the best?
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  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 3: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 4: Now.
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  Speaker 1: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson. I'm the dad to
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  Speaker 1: six kids and the author of six books about raising
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  Speaker 1: happy families. Here with my wife and a podcast partner,
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  Speaker 1: life partner, and a mum of our six children as well.
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  Speaker 2: Kylie, missus Happy Families.
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  Speaker 3: I've been having a conversation this week.
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  Speaker 2: You're sounding you're sounding ominous. What have I done? Now,
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  Speaker 2: I've just it's in your tone. I've done something, haven't I?
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  Speaker 3: Well, I was having a conversation with someone and they
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  Speaker 3: alluded to the fact that you didn't think I'd make
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  Speaker 3: a very good co host. Is this true?
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  Speaker 2: You were talking to our executive producer, Craig Bruce. That's well,
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  Speaker 2: it's not exactly. Yes.
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  Speaker 1: Well, no, can I explain explain away. It's very hard
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  Speaker 1: for me to explain it. I'm so so glad that
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  Speaker 1: you're my co host?
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  Speaker 2: Is what I want? You can say that now? So glad?
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  Speaker 1: Okay, So I've got a background in radio, I've spent
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  Speaker 1: a decade in radio before I went to school and
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  Speaker 1: got my PhD.
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  Speaker 2: Well my undergrade on my PhD, etcetera, et cetera.
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  Speaker 1: And because I've got a background in radio and I
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  Speaker 1: love the podcast so much, I didn't And you don't
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  Speaker 1: have a background in radio, and you've not been a
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  Speaker 1: presenter or anything like that before.
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  Speaker 2: I just didn't think that.
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  Speaker 1: But we've got six kids and you're busy, and I
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  Speaker 1: just thought you're looking at me.
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  Speaker 2: I'll stop digging. I'm so glad that you're my co host.
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  Speaker 2: I think it's going great.
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  Speaker 1: I really love what we're doing with the podcast, and
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  Speaker 1: I love being able to spend time with you each day.
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  Speaker 2: Did I get out of that?
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  Speaker 3: Okay?
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  Speaker 1: Oh, just this is why you're so good.
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  Speaker 2: You let me off. You let me off so easily.
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  Speaker 3: You'd liked me be harder on you.
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  Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all. I'm just
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  Speaker 1: saying I think we're good together.
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  Speaker 3: I think we're great together. I think we're awesome together.
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  Speaker 3: And I've loved this space that we're in. But what
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  Speaker 3: I've loved more is that it would seem our community
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  Speaker 3: loves us as well. Because in the last few weeks
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  Speaker 3: justin we've had some really really exciting numbers come through.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I didn't know that you're going to bring that up,
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  Speaker 1: but we've got numbers of more than doubled in terms
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  Speaker 1: of listeners. So a big thank you to you missus
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families for making people like listening to the podcast
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  Speaker 1: even more. And for those of you who are listening,
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  Speaker 1: we're so grateful that you're listening. It's huge, more than
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  Speaker 1: twice the number of people listening to the podcast now
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  Speaker 1: than even two weeks ago.
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  Speaker 3: So it's just really exciting for us, not just because
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  Speaker 3: our numbers have increased.
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  Speaker 1: But it's not coming off a low base e that
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  Speaker 1: we had tens of thousands of listeners and it's more
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  Speaker 1: than doubled, So I mean, it's very exciting.
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  Speaker 3: It is very exciting.
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  Speaker 1: So what are we talking about today in this highly anticipated,
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  Speaker 1: very very popular parenting podcast about raising happy families.
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  Speaker 3: Well, tonight's our last night of book club.
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  Speaker 4: Ah.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, so twenty one days to a happier family.
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  Speaker 1: If you're a Happy Family's member, you would have been
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  Speaker 1: receiving emails saying, hey, book club it's on every Wednesday
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  Speaker 1: night and this is the last one for Happy Families members.
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  Speaker 1: Only if you're not a Happy Family's member, it's not
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  Speaker 1: too late jump online and become one so that you.
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  Speaker 2: Can participate in book club. What is it tonight?
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  Speaker 3: Tonight, we're actually talking about practicing acceptance.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, this is a really tough one.
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  Speaker 3: This is a tough one. And as we kind of
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  Speaker 3: as I started reading, you introduce us to David and Melissa,
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  Speaker 3: and they share their perspectives on life. They're sharing exactly
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  Speaker 3: the same story from a totally different perspective.
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  Speaker 1: Yah, I remember writing that chapter. It was a long
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  Speaker 1: time ago, but I do remember that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, And it's so easy to see how when you
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  Speaker 3: read Melissa's story, you see yourself in that story, and
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  Speaker 3: then you read David's story and you can see the
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  Speaker 3: perspective there as well, and you can see how these
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  Speaker 3: two people who actually love each other are actually misconnecting
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  Speaker 3: because they've just got such different perspectives of what's going on.
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  Speaker 1: And so in that chapter, I mean, I haven't read
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  Speaker 1: this chapter for several several years now, but in this chapter,
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  Speaker 1: basically what happens is we need to help David to
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  Speaker 1: become more accepting of Melissa's life and Melissa to become
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  Speaker 1: more accepting of David and his perspective. Because while ever
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  Speaker 1: we're pushing against and saying no, no, no, I'm rejecting what
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  Speaker 1: you're saying.
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  Speaker 2: I can't accept this.
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  Speaker 1: I'm judging you as being as having an inferior perspective.
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  Speaker 1: While we're doing that, all we do is we rupture
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  Speaker 1: our relationship.
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  Speaker 3: So let's talk about some positive strategies that we can
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  Speaker 3: help us dealing with these situations. After this, it's a
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  Speaker 3: Happy Family's podcast.
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  Speaker 4: Our Screens Creating Tension at Home, tweens, teens and Screens
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  Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
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  Speaker 4: Bye today at happy families dot com, dot au slash shop.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers now, And we're talking
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  Speaker 1: about our book club tonight.
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  Speaker 2: It's going to be all about acceptance.
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  Speaker 3: You know.
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  Speaker 1: I remember a conversation that I had with the parent
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  Speaker 1: at one time. This parent came to me really embarrassed.
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  Speaker 1: What his child had done was significant, and he basically said,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know how to deal with this?
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  Speaker 2: What am I supposed to do?
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  Speaker 1: We talked through a whole lot of things and we
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  Speaker 1: talked about how most of the responses that he wanted
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  Speaker 1: to give were judgmental and rejecting, and I just talked
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  Speaker 1: about how's your son going to feel? Is he going
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  Speaker 1: to be more inspired to be better if he feels
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  Speaker 1: rejected or is there a way that he can feel
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  Speaker 1: accepted and what might that do to his his desire
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  Speaker 1: to be a better person? His acceptance going to bring
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  Speaker 1: out the best in your child or his rejection and
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  Speaker 1: judgment going to bring out the best.
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  Speaker 3: But as a parent, how can I show them that
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  Speaker 3: unconditional love that I have for them when I don't
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  Speaker 3: agree or accept the decisions that they're making their lives?
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  Speaker 1: Like that's really tirugh, that's exactly what he said. He said,
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  Speaker 1: but what he did is unacceptable. What my child has
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  Speaker 1: actually done is completely unacceptable.
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  Speaker 3: And I don't want to be seeing condoning what they're doing.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, but we can accept our child without accepting what
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  Speaker 1: they've done. And that's what the chapter is about. And
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  Speaker 1: I'm guessing that that's probably where you'll discuss things in
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  Speaker 1: book club. You know what I said to the dad,
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  Speaker 1: I said, he needs to hear from you the three
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  Speaker 1: most important words that any parent can hear any child
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  Speaker 1: can hear from a parent. And he looked at me
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  Speaker 1: and rolled his eyes and said, I'm supposed to tell
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  Speaker 1: him that I love him. I said, no, no, no, well yes,
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  Speaker 1: but it's they're not the three most important words.
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  Speaker 2: No matter what, no matter what, I love you. No
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  Speaker 2: matter what.
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  Speaker 1: You can make the biggest mess ups in the world,
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  Speaker 1: you can become an absolute embarrassment to everybody, But no
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  Speaker 1: matter what you do, I will love you. I will
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  Speaker 1: accept you for who you are, and I will love you.
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  Speaker 1: I might not be happy about what you've done, and
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  Speaker 1: I'll certainly be working hard to help you to learn
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  Speaker 1: better ways to act, but it's not ever going to
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  Speaker 1: come across that I'm rejecting you or that I'm unhappy
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  Speaker 1: about who you are as a person. I might not
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  Speaker 1: like what you do, but I will always accept you
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  Speaker 1: as a person.
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  Speaker 3: It's a really really strong place to be as a parent.
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  Speaker 3: In your book, you actually say the issue is not
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  Speaker 3: whether children are accepted. Most parents will argue that they
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  Speaker 3: accept their children. The issue relates to whether or not
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  Speaker 3: the children feel accepted. It all comes down to their perspective.
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  Speaker 3: Just like in David and Melissa's you know scenario, at
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  Speaker 3: the very beginning of the chapter. That same principle that
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  Speaker 3: you shared with your friend is just as powerful when
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  Speaker 3: we are talking with our spousers or our partners.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it kind of ties in.
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  Speaker 1: If you haven't listened to yesterday's podcast with Alfie Cone
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  Speaker 1: about unconditional parenting, this is actually a really nice follow
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  Speaker 1: on from what we were talking about, So if you
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  Speaker 1: missed it, make sure that you go back and have listen.
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  Speaker 1: Acceptance does not come easily. In fact, we raise our
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  Speaker 1: children in a world that teaches us that we need
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  Speaker 1: to let them know when they're being unacceptable. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: you remember Supernanni, who I am on the record as
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  Speaker 1: publicly saying the worst thing ever to happen to Australian
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  Speaker 1: parents was Supernanny and that word that she used to
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  Speaker 1: use on that show all the time, it's unacceptable. You
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  Speaker 1: need to stop it. It's unacceptable. And as soon as
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  Speaker 1: a child hears us say that what they've done is unacceptable,
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  Speaker 1: what they internalize is I am unacceptable. They feel rejected
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  Speaker 1: rather than accepted, They feel unworthy, their self esteem takes
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  Speaker 1: a battering, and eventually, as they get older they go
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  Speaker 1: find people who find their behavior completely acceptable. We actually
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  Speaker 1: drive them away from us so damaged, rather than drawing
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  Speaker 1: them to us with acceptance. And I can't tell you
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  Speaker 1: how many parents I've talked to over the years who
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  Speaker 1: simply who have had to make that shift. Their children
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  Speaker 1: have done all sorts of things that have transgressed their standards,
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  Speaker 1: or their values, or their principles, or their family rules
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  Speaker 1: or you know, this is the way we do things,
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  Speaker 1: and the kids have gone exactly the opposite. And it's
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  Speaker 1: not until they've said, I just need to accept that
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  Speaker 1: that's the decision you've made, and I need to.
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  Speaker 2: Love you no matter what.
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  Speaker 1: That's what draws the family back together. That's what makes
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  Speaker 1: the family feel like they can behole again.
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  Speaker 3: And I think it must be such a powerful place
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  Speaker 3: or platform to leave our children in to allow them
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  Speaker 3: the number one to have that knowledge you love them
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  Speaker 3: no matter what. And where do they go from there?
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  Speaker 3: If they feel loved and accepted, what's their next move
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  Speaker 3: going to be?
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  Speaker 1: Well, you know, my favorite thing to say, after I've
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  Speaker 1: told my kids that I love them no matter what
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  Speaker 1: our kids, I should say that I love them no
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  Speaker 1: matter what. I love to say to them, and I
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  Speaker 1: believe in you. It's huge, especially when they've made a mistake.
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  Speaker 1: When they've made a mistake, to know that they have
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  Speaker 1: unconditional love and I believe in them. What I'm saying
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  Speaker 1: is I know that next time you're in that situation,
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  Speaker 1: you choose better. Because we've had this conversation. When we
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  Speaker 1: accept them no matter what, we draw them to us,
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  Speaker 1: and that's what we want right as parents.
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  Speaker 2: We want to be able to influence them better.
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  Speaker 1: So that's to take our message love them no matter what,
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  Speaker 1: and tell them that you believe in them, and come
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  Speaker 1: to the book club tonight.
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  Speaker 2: I love it.
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  Speaker 3: And even though you didn't think I was going to
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  Speaker 3: be an awesome co host, I still know and still
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  Speaker 3: knew that you loved me no matter what, and.
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  Speaker 1: I believe in you. You do Okay, thank you so
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  Speaker 1: much for listening to the podcast. If you enjoy what
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: we do on this podcast, we would love for you
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: to go to Apple Podcasts and leave a rating and review.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: When you do that, other people get to find out
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: about the podcast. And obviously people have been doing it
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: because missus Happy Families has identified. Since she came on board,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: our numbers have more than doubled. We are so grateful
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: that you're enjoying it please. Like I said, the ratings
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: and reviews make such a huge difference, and that's.
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  Speaker 2: That's our goal. We want to help as many people
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: as we can.
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  Speaker 1: We really appreciate their work done by Justin Rulin he's
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: our producer and Craig Bruce, our executive producer. They do
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: all that they can to help us sound great. We're
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: doing our best, guys. If you'd like more information about
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: how we can help your family flourish, particularly if you'd
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: like to have that ongoing monthly support via our amazing
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: Happy Families memberships, visit happy families dot com dot IU.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families family keeps on getting bigger. It's growing
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: every day. We would love to have you a part
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: of it. Or you can go to my Facebook page
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families to