Latest / Breaking Mayberry / 117: No Veto on the Vietnam Points!

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117: No Veto on the Vietnam Points! · Breaking Mayberry

0:00
Boo, Hello, and welcome to another episode of Breaking Mayberry, the perfect
0:19
podcast to blair from a boombox as you stand outside of your ex's window trying
0:23
to get them to take you back. I'm one of your hosts. I'm
0:25
Marty Schneider. I'm the other host, Dan Ludwig. And you know what,
0:30
they're fucking sorry and maybe it's time for you to forgive them. Have
0:34
you ever seen huh have you ever seen that movie? Maybe you're the one
0:39
with where he holds up and he's wearing a trench. Yes, movie that
0:43
whose name is just now yeah Q sack h Yeah. I was gonna say
0:49
almost famous, but it's a different movie from the same director. Um Man,
0:53
We're off to a great start today that I mentioned. I'm one of
0:55
your hosts. I'm Hardy Schneider, the other host, I'm the other host.
1:00
We're doing great today on this one. This is uh, honestly this
1:03
we're not helping them get their X back with this, we're kind of anything
1:08
holding them back. I mean, if your plan was to hold up on
1:12
Andy Graffith Show podcast, I'm not sure what you're you're you were hoping for
1:18
there. I'm sorry I almost said that we're breaking Maybury a show about wedding
1:22
planning, because that's all that is in my brain right now. Oh you
1:26
got another one. No, I have a different story. A couple of
1:34
weeks ago, I took Sarah to Pittsburgh. Have you ever been to Pittsburgh?
1:38
Dan lovely city? Yeah, yea work. Yeah, it's a lovely
1:42
city. It's like a Disney version of Philadelphia. I feel that way too.
1:47
It's like like Philadelphia in a video game version where like and the reason
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I say it's like a video game is that every person I spoke to gave
1:55
me an assignment or like information or something. And I'll get to one of
2:01
those assignments later. But there was something very weird in Pittsburgh. By the
2:07
way, Pittsburgh's a great time go to the nashal Av area. I paid
2:09
extras that Sarah could see an owl, like meet an owl and like hang
2:14
out with it. It was adorable, she cried. So Pittsburgh is built
2:19
on several rivers, and you got it. There are a bunch of bridges
2:23
that go through town. And we were crossing one of these bridges and somebody
2:30
had gone on a spree of like marker poetry sharpie graffiti. Right, some
2:38
real just I'm twelve and this is deep kind of shit, you know,
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nice, except a lot of them didn't think about where they were, like
2:50
in relation to the world. Some of it was just like, you know,
2:53
try kindness or you know, a lot of like wherever you go there
2:58
you are kind of bullshit. But then there was stuff that was like,
3:02
if you fear it, you should probably do it, which is normally fine
3:08
advice on LinkedIn. It's not a great it's not great advice when you're on
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a fucking bridge. It's terrible advice on a fucking bridge. You know what.
3:19
Also terrible advice on a bridge. If you want to fly, you've
3:22
got to let go of what holds you down. That's also a really bad
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advice on a bridge. But some of this stuff really got into like existentialism.
3:30
Some of this stuff was really questioning the nature of reality and who you
3:35
are. And then we got to the end of the bridge is a very
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large bridge, and we got to one that was just sharpie written Memento mori
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literally, remember to die, Remember death as you class as you walk upon
3:51
this bridge. Marty. These might have been the last memoirs of a guy
3:54
that killed himself. I had that thought. I had that thought. But
3:59
this same handwriting continues from one end of the bridge to the other. I
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don't know if he went back on the bridge or whatever, but at least
4:04
once he made it from shore to shore. So just one of them is
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just throwaway your antipsychotics. You are in the matrix. The only way out
4:15
is to commit suicide. So I mean, like, imagine, imagine if
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they had just stopped halfway through, though, that would have been so fucking
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great. So the city of Pittsburgh, you know, lovely place and okay,
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So I also spoke to a gentleman who told me a lot of things.
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We talked for about five minutes, and I knew all about his family,
4:38
his health, his motorcycle injury, what his mom did for a living.
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It spoke to this man for again five minutes, but he told me
4:47
about the mister Rogers statue, the mister Rogers tribute statue. Right because Fred
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Rogers was from Pittsburgh, that was his hometown. He referred to him as
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Fred everybody in Pittsburgh, apparently the first from his Fred, which I thought
5:01
was very sweet. And he told me to go check this out when I
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was like, Okay, it's not that far. I'll walk over to it.
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He mentioned, like, you get there and they've got like recordings of
5:12
mister Rogers, like talking to people or talking through things. They've got recordings
5:16
that they piped through and it's really nice to hear. And he said,
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what will remain with me for the rest of my life? He said,
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as soon as you walk in there, it's like having human value injected into
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your veins. And I was like, that's really nice. And he told
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me, though, that the statue is a little weird for an artistic choice,
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and I said, I don't know what that means. But I got
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over there and I walked in and it's exactly the way he described. You
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hear mister Rogers's voice, and I was prepared to cry. Man, like,
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I can't even want I can't watch the documentaries or anything. You talk
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about Fred Rogers for a minute and I'm gonna ball. But I come around
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the corner and I'm facing the background of it. Dan, I'm gonna I'm
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showing you a picture in a discord of the mister Roger statue. Uh okay,
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um, I gotta I gotta open that in its own tab to really
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take it in. It looks like shit, It looks he looks looks awful,
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it looks terrifying. And I didn't even get really closed in because if
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you get really close, it looks like he's melting. It looks like he's
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made of wax. I stared at it for about four minutes, just in
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complete silence, and Sarah's like you okay, And all I could say was,
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well, I guess he would have found something nice to say about it.
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It is hideous. It is a terrible He looks like a bad guy
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in the New ant Man movie. He looks he looks like dog shit CG.
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I'll tell you if anything that doesn't look like Fred Rogers, if anything
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that looks like knots, yeah, no, Oh my god. They put
7:04
so much life into his eyes. It's like it's beauty. It's sort of
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like it's a very realistic face. It's just a bad face. It's so
7:15
there's so many teeth. There's so many teeth to it. It's like a
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it's like a nine chickweed lane strip. There's so many teeth. That's a
7:23
reference for only a handful of people. But I don't like it. I
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don't like, no, it's visually upsetting. He looks like the like like
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they were doing when they were making the first Lord of the Rings and they
7:38
were doing Gollum and they were like doing their like they were halfway through turning
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him from Andy Circus into Gallum and they were like showing the behind the scene.
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Shit, that's what he looks like. Terrible. It's one of the
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worst statues I've ever seen in my life. It looks like he's still rendering
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in PS four graphics. I'm so happy he was dead. I'm so happy
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he never saw this. I thought you were going to tell me that they
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made mister Rogers cut like they were just gonna be like, yeah, they
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made mister Rogers weirdly, Jack. I mean maybe were not complaining about it,
8:13
but it's weird. I don't know what he's packing under that sweater.
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Yeah anyway, Yeah, so there you go yet for an opener, And
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my opener is, uh, I went to Pittsburgh and like slightly weird things
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happened. I don't I don't know what to tell you, man, what
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you got, buddy? Last time I went to Pittsburgh. I was there
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for like like twelve hours and eight of those hours I was working. So
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we got in at like three am and then left at like three am again.
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Um, And while I was there, a guy that looked like Santa
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offered me a bag of apples. And at one point we were walking along
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the bridge at like the middle of the night and a guy on the other
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bridge just waved us someone like good morning, and I just immediately yelled,
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where the fuck am I? I was in no mood for Pittsburgh's twee bullshit,
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Pittsburgh too nice of a place. Yeah, Pittsburgh, we get it,
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all right, man? Oh chill, Yeah, yeah, all right,
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good good energy we're bringing today. Look, folks, I gotta tell
9:22
you this, this episode is definitely one where we were like, we needed
9:28
to get something out. We need to give you an episode because we're basically
9:31
taking the entire month of April off because I'm getting married, and you know,
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it's not the best energy to come into a creative project with. To
9:41
the like, man, we just got to get him something energy. But
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I don't feel that bad, because god damn if these two episodes of The
9:48
Andy Griffith Show didn't come in with exactly that same energy. And I'll tell
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you right up front, folks. One of these is a man hunt.
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One of these is man hunt. I was think, I figure this out,
10:00
Dan, is this man Hunt four or five? I think it's man
10:03
Hunt five? We I think it's technically man Hunt three. But we've had
10:09
a bunch of mini man hunting. We haven't. We had like woman Hunt
10:13
had we had like an Ocean's eight in there there was a woman Hunt,
10:16
and I'm gonna I'm gonna count woman Hunt as man Hunt four. So I
10:20
believe this is man Hunt five. And man, I tell you the man
10:24
Hunt franchises, it ain't what it used to be. No man it doesn't
10:28
even do. I was gonna say, we're not gonna do our high pitch
10:31
Don Knott's voice, uh man Hunt scream because I listened to one of our
10:37
old episodes and it is audio poison. But this, you know what,
10:41
this doesn't even deserve it. This gets ant man hunt man Hunt. It
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is in fact a man hunt. And I can't tell you, like how
10:52
disappointing this was. When I watched this episode, I like took a video
10:58
of death of Andy and Dawn saying we got a man hunt, we got
11:01
a man hunt, And I took a video of it and me going yes,
11:07
and I texted it to Dan like man Hunt time. We got content,
11:11
baby, Yeah, we got to yell a bunch and compare this to
11:16
an action movie, which I guess we could compare it to Turner and Hooch
11:20
if we really want to. We don't have to. Nobody's making us,
11:22
but we could talk about Turner. The Airbud franchise has also taken a really
11:28
weird, weird spin. Yeah, I'm surprised there wasn't Cop Bud, has
11:31
there. I actually can't guarantee that there isn't, but I would be surprised
11:37
if they didn't go into cop Bud. There's no rule in the books that
11:41
a dog can't plant cocaine on somebody. That's what they trained him to do.
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Yeah, of course we're talking about season five, episode six, Barney's
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Bloodhound Air's October twenty six, nineteen sixty four. Written by two guys we've
12:01
never seen before, Bill Idolson and Sam Bowbrick. Let's see if they did
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anything interesting, and directed by Howard Morris who is also he who also plays
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Ernesty Bass and I think does a voice on this. He does, like,
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here's the voice of the radio yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a
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bad writer slash whatever. Was he the director on this now? He?
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Yeah, he directed it. He We're gonna see him as a director a
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few more times this season. And here is your one cent in summary from
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Wikipedia. Barney tries to use a dog to catch an escaped convict. H
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No, that's it, that's it. That's absolutely act period. That's that's
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it. Yeah, I mean, and that's also the end of our commentary
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on it. We got we gotta do something here, we gotta do something,
12:54
all right. It opens up with Barney storming into the jail like very
13:00
quickly. He's in a huff, and there's a gag here. I do
13:05
not understand. So weird. What is the name of the of the guy
13:07
they're trying to uh, they're trying to listen to. His name is something
13:13
stupid, like like Jeffrey Peebles or something. Leonard Blush, thank you.
13:16
So they're really excited to hear Leonard Blush, who is not a real person.
13:20
But they say, Leonard Blush the mask singer is on which he's on
13:26
the radio. What what does it matter? Who cares if he's wearing a
13:30
mask? I okay, And they just like to know that the guy is
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wearing a mask. It adds to the experience. I'd be like, man,
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even if we were there, we still wouldn't know what this fucker looks
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like. Exhilaration, you can the mask really comes through in the radio.
13:50
But here's Yeah, Leonard Blush is a previous a call back to a previous
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joke. Don knots if you remember Barney in one episode is take singing lessons
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from a woman named Eleanor Pulstice, and he says, oh, you know
14:05
who she trained, Leonard Blush, And they get really excited about Leonard Blush.
14:11
So it's it's recurring gag, except you can't really call it a recurring
14:15
gag because it only happened is this time? The other time? Maybe once
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more? But we're watching this more than any human being is meant to,
14:24
and we still didn't look it up. Yeah, yeah, because I thought,
14:28
who is Leonard Blush? Is this a real person? Normally I'm normally
14:31
I'm pretty good about picking up the pop culture references on this show, but
14:35
this time I had to be like, is that an actual guy? Yeah,
14:39
we're recognizing patterns between episodes that is not advisable. We are like breaking
14:46
the warranty of this television show and it still went over ahead. So this
14:50
is one for the people that are obsessive now and have access to streaming services,
14:56
so they're they're really excited to hear Leonard Blush, but we don't actually
14:58
get to hear leonar Ned Blush sing, which I think might add to the
15:01
joke. I don't know. This might have been funny if they had kept
15:05
it going for like a few more. We get to hear him sing,
15:09
like for five seconds, and he's like an old Irish tenor. And also
15:13
it's it is Howard Morris, right if Howard Morris, Yeah, And then
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Howard Morris interrupts himself to say, all right, we're interrupting this too for
15:20
breaking news. There is an escaped convict. He's on the loose and he's
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left you know, Raleigh, Durham area, and of course, you know,
15:28
y'all know what's going. Barney gets really excited. Barney gets as excited
15:31
as we are because he's like, manhunt. We've got a man hunt,
15:35
Andy, thanks, we have steaks, fuck yeah, and Annie which on
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his fucking the xanax I V dripped. They've got him on this season it's
15:48
just like, all right, maybe I don't know. I'm not even going
15:52
to entertain the possibility that we may have to engage in meaningful police work.
15:56
Yeah, there's likely not a chance in hell he's gonna go the other way.
16:00
I'm basing this on absolutely nothing. There is no precedent whatsoever about dangerous
16:07
criminals coming through town and us having to use our wits to deal with them.
16:11
That has never happened, and it will never happen over the course of
16:14
this It certainly hasn't happened three to five times before. Yeah, a man
16:19
hunt. Hear us in this economy, he's happening weird about it. He's
16:26
so weird about like, just that's not gonna happen. Put Leonard blushback on.
16:30
Yeah, I want to hear this guy with the mask. I can
16:34
really hear the mask. This guy is so fucking masked up right now.
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God, I need to hear it. Barney turnipack Barne, what do you
16:42
think is maybe he wore a different mask every week if you had the identity.
16:48
So it's the Mass singer. It's literally the Mass sings, except with
16:52
the Mass singer, they wear the same mask every week, and you gotta
16:53
figure out who's under it. I like the idea, what this one?
16:56
You just had to guess what mask he was wearing. A bet, I
17:00
bet it's what pig mask. I bet it's one of them. That's one
17:04
of them, Phantom Mother that that their opera masks there, that that's what
17:08
he's rocking this week. So the next scene, Barney runs out. He's
17:12
like, where I'm gonna get ready for this man hunt that is definitely gonna
17:17
happen. And he comes back and he's trying to hide something from Andy.
17:19
He's like, Hey, any any news on that on that manhunt that that
17:26
felon, And Andy's kind of responds, well, I heard he was coming
17:30
this way, but he probably won't. Barney brings in a dog. It's
17:37
it's actually some credit where credit is due. Donnuts is doing some great physical
17:44
comments here. He's doing his thing. You know he's doing It's good.
17:48
Let's give him. I know we're tired, but like the way he is
17:52
struggling to hold onto the door as he tries to get into the jailhouse to
17:56
drag this dog in, It's pretty fucking funny. Um And basically he bought
18:03
this like old partially blind dog dog. There's this trash dog that whoever sold
18:11
it to him told him is a half bloodhound, which it's not. It's
18:15
clearly has no bloodhound in it whatsoever. Um. The person sold him a
18:21
whistle that is supposedly makes him obey commands, but just fills the dog with
18:26
rage. It's just it's just a dog whistle. We're dog whistles new Like
18:32
it was supposed to be the thing where you blown the dog whistle and you
18:34
say something in German and then the bloodhound you get a tax I don't think
18:38
they even got that far. I think it was just like a whistle.
18:44
Yeah, just gave him a whistle that pisses the dog off. Yeah.
18:48
So basically, somebody played a dog prank on Barney Um and sold him the
18:53
most useless dog, uh, the most actively useless dog. The best those
19:00
kind of pranks are the ones that end in a dog biting you. Yeah.
19:03
Basically, Oh that is a great, great prank, tricking a guy
19:07
into getting attacked by his own dog. Classic youtubean It's solid. It's it's
19:11
like an entire half hour of ridiculousness. I like that. Basically, Um,
19:18
the dog that is the subject of this of this episode is basically,
19:23
my fucking dog. I didn't want to say it, but I was thinking
19:27
it the whole time. Your dog sucks. The most aggressively unhelpful dog possible
19:34
that is currently doing some sort of violence in my kitchen that I'm trying to
19:40
overlook. Can we walk through this? What humor does don Knots attempt to
19:45
derive from this? So the big joke that they do with this dog is
19:49
donk not says, like, listen, I got us a tracking dog.
19:52
He's a bloodhound. I give him a cent. It's he's gonna go for
19:56
whatever he smells. He'll be able to track this guy, no problem.
20:00
So don Knots gives him a Floyd's scent and has him track Floyd, and
20:08
the dog just kind of like meanders around town. Eventually wanders into Floyd's Floyd's
20:15
establishment. See you can see don Knots nudging the dog. You see him
20:18
nudging him with his bag and yeah, just basically shoving him towards the end
20:23
goal. Yeah, until it's eventually revealed that he planted Candy and Floyd's barbershop
20:30
to try to lure the dog there. I want to talk about this bit
20:33
with Howard mcneir with Floyd the barber because a couple of weird things happen.
20:37
Number One, boy, they're just not even for attending. The dude can
20:40
stand up anymore, right. He spends the entire he spends the entire scene
20:45
just sitting in his chair, kind of like laid back. I don't know
20:49
how long after the stroke this was, but he's not doing well and it's
20:53
it feels weird it really. They're not even giving him jokes or anything to
21:00
do. They're just like, hey, Floyd, you still alive. And
21:03
Howard Morris is like, yeah, yeah, look at me. You want
21:07
to see me move my arm flops it around there. It is every single
21:12
time here here's on screen. It's kind of like he's just holding up today's
21:15
newspaper, but it's for like contract purposes, Like yeah, I feel like
21:21
somebody was obligated to appear in a certain number of episodes, or someone wasn't
21:26
getting paid, and that's what this whole thing feels like. He's just hanging
21:32
Oh that dude, Howard me at home mcneir. Howard mcneir, Yeah,
21:36
Howard mcneir is just like, hey, Andy, I'm behind on my hospital
21:38
payments and and he's like, let's get you in an episode, and it's
21:42
just like like, hey, Floyd, what you're doing sitting? Cool?
21:47
All right? Back to the episode, and the deal is you're close.
21:51
Barney and the dog had appeared at the barber's shop beforehand, and Floyd had
22:00
even the dog some candy before. So when when the dog comes in and
22:03
goes to Floyd, Floyd goes, oh, I bet he wants more of
22:06
that candy. Oh, we had some candy before. And then Barney's and
22:11
he's like, all right, well this isn't working, and then he and
22:12
Barney leave and then the camera just hangs out on Floyd for too long.
22:19
There's not a bit joke I think I want. Upon a second viewing,
22:27
I thought like, there's a thing where it looks like he's about to put
22:30
his wet, sticky lollipop back in his pocket and he doesn't, and then
22:36
he tries again and he doesn't. But there's no build to it. It's
22:38
very subtle. You would absolutely miss it. And said, we're just kind
22:41
of like watching this weirdo. So that whole ordeal happens. Um it's not
22:48
very funny. It's just kind of like look at this shit dog. Here's
22:52
Floyd. All right. Finally we get into the man hunt, all right,
22:57
because the state police show up and they say, okay, so guess
23:00
what the guy is in your woods? He's headed your way. But Andy
23:04
even says, hey, you hear that Barney's trying to like train a dog.
23:08
They say, hey, you could use a dog, and and he's
23:11
like not, this one dog sucks. And then the state police is like,
23:15
oh, it's a shit dog, and and he's like it's a real
23:18
shit dog. And he's like, all right, cool, half fun we
23:22
have we have no follow up questions for you. And then what would you
23:26
ask? Like? I wouldn't care either these these The purpose of the state
23:30
cops is to drop off the information and then leave as soon as possible.
23:34
Yeah, I would probably have some fall up question, be like, so
23:38
you're not going to use that trash dog on this and on this manhunt?
23:41
Right and and and he would probably be like no, but I'll probably be
23:45
like, you're not gonna bring that whole guy with you, right, you
23:49
have some other help? And Andy would be like no, and they'd be
23:53
like, oh, maybe we should get other police for this. They keep
23:59
saying like this whatever. I'm not even gonna remember his fucking name. It's
24:03
Dupree or something. He's a real tough customer. No it's not. It's
24:07
a terrible, like really boring. He's like, it's like Howard Neil,
24:11
or like Frank Neil or something like this. Ralph Neil. The criminals name
24:15
is Ralph Neil, but when Andy and Barney speak to him they call him
24:18
Neil as if that is his first name. Yeah. Um, but yeah,
24:22
they keep reiterating like, he's a real tough customer. This guy's a
24:25
great a bastard, a real piece of shit, through and through. You
24:29
gotta watch out for this guy. He'll fucking kill you. So they probably
24:33
should have been like, well, since this is apparently the most dangerous man
24:34
hunt that has ever occurred, maybe we get the A team in here,
24:40
um. But instead they're just like, all right, well, we just
24:41
gave you a portion of the man hunt to do later. We sure we're
24:47
sure you got this. Um. So Andy tells Barney and he's like,
24:52
all right, man, good news, congratulations, you're gonna be so pumped.
24:55
We got a man hunt. There's a man hunt happening. Finally,
24:59
your day is fucking come there, we're hunting a man. Let's go.
25:03
Barney gets really excited. They do one more bit with the whistle where he's
25:07
like, look what I can get this guy to this dog to do.
25:08
And he blows the whistle and he has come on blue, come on up,
25:12
guy with a gun. He waves a gun at the dog. I
25:17
wanted to go look up like statistically, how many how many dogs cops shoot
25:22
each ear? But it's insanely high and it would just depress everybody. Yeah,
25:27
but Barney does surdly high. Barney does wave a gun at this dog.
25:33
Oh good this. Yeah. So Barney tries to prove that the dog
25:37
will be useful by saying, all right, listen, I'm gonna pretend to
25:41
have a gun and the dog is going to disarm me. And he does
25:45
it like forty times where he like waves a gun in the dog's face and
25:49
then he blows the whistle, and eventually the dog, not irritated by the
25:53
gun but by the whistle, knocks over Barney and Andy is like, okay,
25:59
that was fucking us. Yeah, that was nothing. But I guess
26:02
if it'll get us out of this building, I will let you bring the
26:04
dog. And he basically says like, all right, that just to set
26:07
it up. Andy says, well, that's really useful if the guy is
26:11
wearing your uniform, yelling that he has a gun and blowing on that whistle.
26:18
So yeah, they're doing the manhunt and Barney is insisting on bringing the
26:22
dog. They get there and Barney is like, all right, the dog
26:27
is going this way, I'll let's go, and Andy is like, I
26:32
don't want any fucking part of what you are doing right now. You can
26:36
go whatever direction you want with the fucking dog. I'm going this way.
26:40
Whatever happens to you. I don't want to be liable for it. All
26:44
right, let's let's have a debate here. I have a debate here because
26:49
the dog does immediately take them to the prisoner to the guy. Yeah,
26:55
does immediately do it. That is, after Barney shows him a picture of
26:59
the dog. It's like, I'm why would I do that? I'm shows
27:02
him a picture of the criminal. Yeah, I'm sorry to show the dog
27:06
a picture of another dog. It's like, hey, dog is like not
27:08
it you like that? Like this? Yeah? You want this is one
27:14
of you. Just in case you forgot what your deal is, here's a
27:18
dog the dog has like, got it, let's solve some crimes. That's
27:23
me, I got it, it's one of my guys. Dog dog looks
27:27
at the picture of the criminal that Barney shows him, and and it does
27:33
immediately, You're right, find the criminal. Immediately, find the criminal.
27:34
So do we think, but this is that's pure coincidence, right, Like,
27:41
well, here's the thing. The dog looks at the picture of the
27:44
criminal and says, that's my dad. Now, yes, finally a man
27:49
I can respect, and says, I need to find him. Finally I
27:55
have seen a human worthy of my companionship. I need to I need to
28:00
hunt him down. So, yes, he doesn't find him, but then
28:03
imbediately submits to him as the alpha. It's very funny, honestly, that
28:08
that's my favorite part. He's just that the dog like flips immediately like that,
28:12
Yeah, I mean, I could gives all of his love and affection
28:18
towards this criminal. I mean, can I say that he flips when?
28:21
I don't think this dog was ever on Barney's side to begin with. Oh,
28:23
the dog was actively sabotaging Barney from day one. The dog has never
28:27
pretended to be on the side of law. He was. He basically was
28:32
like, oh, finally some crimes I can do. Fuck yeah, leads,
28:37
but this dog is kind of fucking a cab. I think the Outlaw
28:41
was one of the names of the dogs that played Hobo on The Littlest Hobo.
28:47
It's pretty it's a pretty deep cut, pretty sure, but like,
28:51
yeah, that is a deep cut for us. But yeah, Littlest Hobo,
28:55
we've got Patreon episodes on it. Patreon complish baking me very so he
28:57
does. He does, go find it. I don't even you know what's
29:00
gonna happen here, folks. Barney runs into the criminal. He takes too
29:07
long to realize that the criminal is the criminal. Neil pulls a gun on
29:12
him and then proceeds to take Barney hostage. In so, Neil's not that
29:18
fucking smart because it's one of the dumbest criminals on a show full of dumb
29:23
criminals. It is. He has an unprecedented drop on the Andy Griffith Show
29:32
characters. And his plan is he says, all right, I'm gonna take
29:33
you hostage. Cops aren't gonna shoot me when I have another cop at gunpoint,
29:37
you and this dog, we're gonna come to a cabin I've broken into.
29:42
I'm going to take a nap while you're tied to a chair, and
29:45
then in the morning we'll drive out. Then no point goes like, hey,
29:49
you're alone, right, there's no other cops here. You're definitely just
29:53
a single cop that came out here with a dog. But yeah, and
29:56
then proceeds to go fully sleep, a fucking huge nap. The power nap,
30:06
fully unconscious leaves leaves don knots. Tied to a chair. Barney manages
30:11
to get out of the knots, but he doesn't do it by like doing
30:15
some cool shit to untie himself. He's not he's just tied to the chair.
30:21
I No, he's not tied to the chair. The ropes do not
30:23
make contact with the chair. Yeah, he's just his arms are tied behind
30:27
his back and around the chair, so he can easily just stretch up,
30:32
and his legs are not tied at all. He just stands up. He
30:37
just needs to stand up and calmly walk out the door. Did you only
30:41
have a foot of rope? Was there a shortage? Why? Well,
30:48
he has no faith in this human being to be able to stand up,
30:52
which decent call. But yeah, Barney all he needs to do is stand
30:56
up, calmly, walk out the door and leave, and he can be
31:00
out of this at any point because this guy is hardcore snoring a completely asleep
31:06
and his saving grace is again that that dog has imprinted on him as a
31:11
parental unit and is willing to fight and die for for Neil, his new
31:17
father. Do we think the dog loves Neil or the dog hates Barney?
31:22
Yes? Okay, um accurate? Uh So the dog starts barking at Barney,
31:27
waking Nil up. Neil waves around his gun, makes Barney sit back
31:32
down, goes back to sleep. Leap He goes back to sleep. Yeah,
31:37
narrowly avoided escape attempt by this police officer. Time to continue catching some
31:44
z's. Neil has no sense of urgency for him. You know the thing
31:49
about men on the run, they're supposed to run, they generally move,
31:56
they generally spent a lot of time in motion. You're on a man hunt.
32:00
You don't get a time to take a lot of sleep. The best
32:04
time to take a power nap is when you're in immediate proximity to a cop
32:10
unarmed, or a cop who is in danger of losing his life. That
32:15
is the best time to rest and recouper. And I'm gonna say, like,
32:19
nobody here is trying very hard, even by Andy Griffiths shows standards,
32:22
no one here is trying very hard. Anytime anybody holds like the gun or
32:28
as a gun on them, I just can't on myself saying just take it,
32:31
just just grab it. There are two of you and one of him,
32:36
and the gun is so close, like you can, yeah, you
32:38
can just go and just smack him and his grab it. Like I feel
32:43
like at this point, like if he was holding the gun in your face,
32:45
he could just be like, hey can I see that first second and
32:47
be like, oh yeah, sure, and then you'd be like, all
32:49
right, well I have the gun now, and he'd like, damn it.
32:51
I mean, there got me. And there are numerous times even off
32:54
screen, where like it makes sense they should have been able to get the
32:58
gun from him. He does have two guns, to be fair, at
33:00
this point, he does have he does have Barney's gun as well in his
33:05
back pocket. Yeah, so, and we have to Andy pretty much.
33:09
We do have to dissect the butt fuckery that happens when Andy shows up,
33:13
because it is confusing and I don't okay. So Andy comes in basically stumbles
33:20
across this cabin by accident, crawls up to the window, sees Barney tied
33:25
up inside. They do a little bit where they're trying to read each other's
33:30
lips poorly, and it goes on way too long. I can't understand what
33:35
either of them are saying. So it's not like I'm I'm missing out on
33:38
the joke of what they're trying to communicate to each other because they're both bad
33:42
at well. I think I think the joke is that Barney also didn't know
33:45
what was happening, because as soon as like, as soon as he opens
33:52
the door and says, Andy opens the door, Barney just runs right out.
33:58
But now Neil wakes up and has the gun on Andy. Yeah,
34:04
so Andy runs in, I'm assuming with his with his gun his gun drawn,
34:08
yeah, yes, And I'm assuming he thought that Barney was going to
34:14
um tackle somebody who'd throw his body on Neil to prevent him from getting up
34:21
unclear. But Barney runs out the door. Andy stands there, and then
34:24
Neil just calmly saunters up and just takes Andy's gun, and Andy is like
34:30
ah, and then Barney runs back inside, and then at that point,
34:36
at that point, the bit is that Andy says, where do you think
34:38
Where do you think my deputy is going? He's gonna go back up,
34:43
He's gonna go Thereyboddy and the cops are gonna have the place around in a
34:45
couple of minutes. He's probably lying, but then he's like, it's like,
34:47
okay, cool, well, Barney, that's that's plan B is for
34:52
Barney to go get somebody else. Except they opened the door and Barney,
34:54
now with his hands untied, just is there and now he's got just walks
34:59
in and now he's got both of them. So now he's got two cops
35:04
hostage, and so he changes into Barney's uniform, right, he makes him
35:12
change clothes, which you know what you can't do while holding a gun,
35:16
put fucking pants on, put a shirt on, Like how yeah it again.
35:24
I'm assuming that he was really banking on the fact that the dog would
35:28
rip Barney's fucking throat out if if he tried. At some point most of
35:35
his plan, which explains the next part, which is that like as they
35:39
walk out with him in Barney's uniform and Barney dressed up as him and Andy
35:45
in his regular uniform, and he's like, Okay, we're gonna drive away,
35:49
and they're gonna we're gonna pretend that he's the bat, that Barney is
35:52
me, and we're just gonna drive and I'm gonna hold this gun to you,
35:55
and yeah, we're gonna act like that. And then he goes,
35:58
wait, where's the dog? Twitch I responded, I responded, who cares?
36:01
Like why do you care? Why do you care? Where so far
36:07
ahead? Why? Why? Why do you care? You're the bad guy?
36:12
And hey, guess what happens. He gets Andy gets him to blow
36:17
the whistle to get the dog. The dog doesn't like the whistle. He
36:22
hates Barney and thinks that Neil is Barney, so he tries to kill Neil.
36:27
He jumps on Neil and and he jumps on him and steals his guns.
36:30
And now they've all got the guns. And then Neil just kind of
36:35
gives up, like he just like they just kind of push him. Neil
36:37
doesn't punch or run or shove or anything. He's just like, ah,
36:44
Neil is just kind of like, well, I had fun and this was
36:47
a good time, and you know, I wasn't really into that whole escaping
36:52
thing. You guys just kind of were fun and I was just kind of
36:54
see him whereon. Neil responds, like the same way you do the first
37:00
time you play poker with your buddies, Like, yeah, all right,
37:05
that didn't work out well, but I had a good time. Yeah,
37:07
yeah, gay, you guys got yeah, ridiculous. I now know what
37:12
a flush is, Okay, cool, Yeah, this is a good time.
37:15
At least at least at least I learned something here today. Yeah,
37:19
the stinger on this is so fucking stupid, but also it should have been
37:22
the entire episode. The stinger on this is straight up Pirates of the Caribbean.
37:29
Okay, So Barney and Andy lock themselves in the jail cell with Neil
37:32
on the other jail cell. They lock them cells, and out of time,
37:36
the dog, for some dumb reason has the keys, and then you
37:38
were treated to a little bit where both Barney and Neil was there going come
37:44
here, come here, come on boy. So, honestly, if up
37:47
to me, that would have been the entire episode. The entire episode would
37:50
have been around great would have been based around like all Neil in one cell,
37:55
them and another trying to get a dog to come to them or both
37:59
of them trying to get keys. You know, that would be at least
38:02
a payoff for the constant they locked themselves in the cell Jack gags, right,
38:07
that would be a great bottle episode. We've been solid. Yeah,
38:12
Instead we just kind of whampamp. So I'm sorry. The man Hunt franchise
38:16
is really coming off the wheels, folks, Like when they got to add
38:20
dogs to this. I don't know. We're we're averaging what one one point
38:25
five man hunts a season, so hopefully we'll have better man hunts later,
38:30
but this one was stubtful, not not the way we've been going hunt.
38:39
The first Manhunt is so weird, like and it comes out of nowhere and
38:44
the energy of it, I don't know. We're still chasing that. So
38:47
for dog Hunt, I don't know. Ratings. I hated this episode of
38:52
TV. I had to watch, Oh my god, I didn't mind it
38:55
that much, and then we talked about it and I fucking hate it.
39:00
We that was I mean, there's some good physical comedy stuff which does not
39:07
lend itself to being described in a podcast episode, but I can just say
39:12
Don Knots does some funny stuff with his body while pretending to be overpowered by
39:16
a dog. So for that reason, I'm gonna give it a four.
39:21
I give it a two. I'm tired of ok. Yeah, don Knots
39:24
is a funny looking dude who makes funny faces. Fucking whooped? He do
39:29
two fucking two Barney Meter. No one gives a shit. This didn't do
39:35
any permanent damage. Like, there's nothing offensive, there's nothing that upsets me
39:38
about this. We got a dog that hates cops, and you know what,
39:44
I think that undoes the Vietnam points. Yeah, zero, we get
39:50
an American hero and a dog that wants to rip Barney's throat out and watch
39:54
him bleed in the street. I'm gonna call you out on the Vietnam points
39:58
because I went and listen to the episode where you where you introduced that concept,
40:00
and I vetoed it from the very beginning. From the very beginning,
40:05
I said, if we have to dock points for any show that has an
40:08
American war crime happening in the background, we have two dock points for every
40:14
television show ever made. It's cool that you think you can veto me,
40:20
huh the very beginning. Oh really, I know. I'll add fucking Vietnam
40:27
points to whatever I goddamn feel like. It's saying that I'm just triggering you
40:30
to do it more. But yeah, there's Vietnam points in your fucking best
40:36
mantas. Now, bitch, all right, how about that, I'll have
40:38
Vietnam points to whatever I fucking feel like. Okay, you're not my dad,
40:45
you can't tell me what to do. I'll put Vietnam points where I
40:47
podcast dad, We've referred to me as such numerous times. Well, guess
40:52
what I'm rebelling now? Podcast Vietnam points stay in point episodes as a result
41:00
of having occurred during the Vietnam War and not spoken out against the atrocities committed
41:04
against the Vietnamese people. Get a two point to the Barney meter. All
41:07
right, it's what's happening. I guess I lost. I'm sorry to raise
41:13
my voice, but you made me do it, Marty, You made me
41:15
fucking do it. Yes, I lost this round? All right, great,
41:17
you did great, cool, fantastic. I hate email breaking Mayberry at
41:23
gmail dot com to tell us how much you love the Vietnam points. I'm
41:32
sorry, Marty, do you want to take out the Vietnam points? And
41:35
if and if so why do you hate the Vietnamese people? All right?
41:40
So the next episode, So the next episode is I take umbradge with the
41:47
description of this, of this episode, we're talking about season five, episode
41:52
seven, Man in the Middle Air's November two, nineteen sixty four. Written
41:59
by two dudes who I've never seen before, we'll never see again, and
42:02
they don't have links on their Wikipedia, but their names are Gus Adrian and
42:07
David Evans, and directed by Alan Rafkin. And the description of this says
42:12
Andy tries to settle a lover's quarrel between Barney and Thelmlou, only to get
42:16
himself caught in the middle. I don't think that's what happens now. I
42:22
think the first statement is inaccurate because Andy doesn't try to settle shit. He's
42:27
the one who doesn't meddle. He's like, he's not like, oh,
42:30
maybe you kids will get back together. I'm gonna make it happen. I'm
42:32
gonna fix everything. Season one Andy would have done that, because season one
42:37
Andy is capable of like reacting to stimuli. This Andy is just so laconic
42:45
it. Barney comes in and says, hey, I have broken up with
42:50
my girlfriend of five years, and I am very upset about that. And
42:55
Andy goes like, well, you know, the big thing is Barney says,
43:00
you know, I guess we just were not meant to be together,
43:02
and Andy just goes like that might be the truth. Yeah, maybe,
43:07
and he's just like, you know, maybe maybe you'll feel better about it
43:09
in the morning, you'll get back together. Maybe you won't, and if
43:12
so, that's not a big deal, like, which is kind of I'm
43:17
sure, sort of the right thing to say when your friend breaks up with
43:22
somebody, because you don't want to be like, hey man, you gotta
43:25
get back together with her. You guys are meant to be together, because
43:29
if it doesn't work out, then you just fucked up real back or you
43:32
really you also really don't want to be a mistake of being like, well
43:36
she was terrible anyway, and we all hated her because like number one,
43:38
what good does that do yet? And because like, at best, he's
43:42
gonna be like, well, why the hell didn't you tell me? But
43:45
at worst they're gonna get back together, and shit's gonna get real weird.
43:49
Like yeah, so Andy does the smart thing, which is basically like like
43:54
just really hedges bets but also do it with no compassion whatsoever. Um,
44:00
all right, we need to talk to this episode. We need to talk
44:02
to you. I want to I want to highlight two things. One,
44:07
and it ties into the opening of this episode. This is the most into
44:12
each other that Andy and Helen Crump have ever been or seen. This is
44:17
the most that they have appeared to have romantic chemistry and actually enjoy each other's
44:23
company. Do you think this is filmed? Do you think this is filmed
44:27
after the affair? Do you think that this is Oh, do you think
44:30
this is the moment where they started in real life sleeping together? Maybe?
44:35
Yeah, I'll say this though you're you're you are correct. This is the
44:38
most like into each other they've ever been, and it still sucks total ass.
44:44
It's basically the impression that I get from them is they are fucking They
44:50
are hooking up, They are casually dating there neither of them are looking for
44:54
anything that serious. And I'm like, all right, that is the vibe
44:58
I'm getting. I am cool with it. Two. The second thing,
45:01
we forget a lot in this show that thell Malu is also a fucking moron.
45:08
It gets oh and a lot of our justice for Thelma lou stuff.
45:13
We overlook it, and we don't really give her the credit of looking at
45:16
her at a character and remembering that on several occasions she proves herself to be
45:22
equally dumb as Barney, because that's pretty much why they're together. She is
45:27
fucking stupid and that is Those are the two things that stuck out to me.
45:31
Okay, so let's let's keep those two things in mind, those two
45:35
points of mind as we walk into this. All right, So the opener
45:37
is that Andy and Crump are walking back from lunch. They're they're going outside
45:40
the jail. They do some really terrible ad libbing about like a green dress.
45:45
Like it's it's very clearly filler lines about like okay, well we need
45:50
to fill some space before don gets here. Whatever. But it's okay.
45:53
But it is also like establishing that they like each other romantically, because they're
45:59
like talking about going out later and he's like, oh, why don't you
46:01
wear that nice green dress? You look good? And she's like, oh
46:04
man, you like that green dress? Yeah? Whatever. Yeah, it's
46:07
like a little it's Barney. Barney storms in and he does the thing where
46:12
he's like, you know the thing that everybody does where you like make a
46:16
big deal about being upset bone someone's like, hey, man, what's your
46:20
problem? Like, I don't want to talk about it, but then you
46:22
like take like dramatic poses against you. It's like leaning against the wall,
46:27
like with his hand against it, going alas, whoa is me? Yeah?
46:35
It's pretty great man. Andy eventually is like what happened? And Barney
46:40
says that he got into a big fight with Elmolu And Andy's like, well,
46:45
you've gotten in fights before, and He's like, never like this.
46:47
She said that I never take her out anywhere, and I got really mad
46:52
because I take her to church and we go out till we go out and
46:58
get the special at the diner and we go we can watch TV at her
47:04
to be at her place, and then on Saturday and Saturdays when I'm at
47:07
work, she's here. You think that I would think that. Do you
47:09
think that she's saying I'm cheap or something? And and he's like, I
47:13
don't know, and you know, obviously, okay, like you don't need
47:15
us to explain this, but obviously it's not about the money. It's about
47:19
the fact that they're in a rut and they do the same things every single
47:21
week, to the point where Barney can memorize the schedule and list of specific
47:24
days and times. You don't, it doesn't matter. You don't need us
47:29
to tell you this, just thumma lose in a horrible relationship with a nightmare
47:34
person. And h Andy's initial responses, well, you know, women be
47:39
bitches, like yeah, exactly. It's like, well, women go through
47:45
phases, you know, yeah, like maybe they'll think you're taking advantage of
47:49
them, or maybe they'll think you're not listening to them, or I don't
47:52
know. Women are just they go through stuff. You basically says you don't
47:57
need to consider her feelings whatsoever. Don't worry about this. Whatever she'll she
48:01
will grow out of it. You know. This is this is Jess Lack.
48:05
When Opie started wearing that that black nail polish on his and stuff started
48:12
to call himself, Opeford got really into that. Anime red I took it
48:21
as much more much, a little more passive than that where he was like,
48:24
well, you know, women say things, and then they say other
48:29
things, and sometimes they think things about the things they said that are different
48:34
than the things they said. Sometimes they don't. And if I keep talking
48:39
long enough, you'll move on to another topic. He's basically just being like,
48:45
well, you know, things happened, then other things happen. Just
48:50
could not give a fun I mean, okay, so the Thumblou actually dumped
48:52
him this time, and yeah, Barney's like five years wasted. Andy's being
48:58
really nice saying, well, you don't waste your time. And this is
49:00
the key part is that Barney's kind of says like, well, maybe we
49:02
just weren't meant for each other. And and he says, I don't know,
49:05
it's possible. Maybe Barney's going full men. They're going their own way.
49:08
By the way, Barney's going full on just like we don't need women
49:13
at all. Look at those sailors and their men on the oil rigs out
49:16
of the what does they do just fine without women? And I'm like,
49:20
yeah, sailors, yeah, tell yeah, that's more about how those sailors
49:23
do just fine without women. There Barne keep going, oh god, he's
49:30
looking up Jordan Peterson passages as this is happening. Oh it's super gross.
49:35
But so he says I'm done. I'm done with women. And you know
49:37
what, fine, dude, We've all said it after we've been dumped,
49:40
Like right, we've all said this. Cut to Thellmoloo and Barney making out
49:45
back together. Barney says he's special. Barney says he's sorry, and he's
49:52
gonna splurge from now on, Like, no more specials. We're gonna get
49:54
steak sandwiches, soups and salad. Yeah. Basically, he's like, I
50:00
will spend we will change nothing about our routine, but I will spend slightly
50:04
more money on you. And it works because again, Thelma is a fucking
50:07
idiot and she's like steak sandwiches, salads, nothing else that I want it
50:13
out of my life. I'll take it. There's no apparently there's no eligible
50:17
men in this town. Mal please like it's it's it's really sad, like
50:22
she doesn't. She knows she wants more, but she doesn't even know what
50:25
else exists in the world to ask for. So the steak sandwich is about
50:31
as good as she's gonna get. Just a deeply pathetic character. She is
50:37
a goldfish in a bowl and she knows that there is a world outside of
50:40
that bowl, but she can't fathom what it could possibly be. She's just
50:46
trapped in a prison that she can't even understand. That's the saddest thing I've
50:53
ever heard. Yeah, So anyway they get there at this point, it's
51:00
kind of like like Barney's I don't know why he does this. He just
51:05
sits there and he just starts chuckling. He's like, hey, Andy said
51:08
the funniest thing you're gonna can't kick out of this. And he said the
51:12
funniest, dumbest thing. He said that maybe you weren't meant for me.
51:15
Which why what motive could you possibly have had to say this, Barney,
51:21
other than to just to cause all this events? It's just such you.
51:24
It's just a shitty writing, like there's no motivation from to say it's other
51:28
than to start the course of the events. I've I hate this about myself,
51:36
but I found this horribly relatable. Where you're just in a moment and
51:40
then there's a thought in your head where you kind of know it's about to
51:45
ruin everything, and and there's nothing that thought can do if set out loud
51:51
but ruin everything. But it's just kind of slowly working its way out of
51:55
your mouth and then it ruins everything in your life. What come on?
52:00
What so I didn't mean that thing? I just said, so Barne.
52:05
Barney says that Andy said, maybe you weren't meant for me, and Thelma
52:09
louser entire response is so Andy doesn't really like me. Andy's been so nice
52:15
to me, but she doesn't like me at all. Which, no,
52:19
that's a whole new sentence, that's a completely different thought process, Thelma lou
52:23
Yeah, it's not being right for Barney doesn't mean you know what. I'm
52:28
sorry, I can't. I can't explain this to you like fictional character from
52:32
sixty years ago. I just that's not what it is means. But fine,
52:37
continue continue the plot of this episode that rages upon you all being you
52:43
all having the fucking communication patterns of turtles, like I don't Yeah, basically
52:50
what Andy says, it's like, you know, Andy said that maybe the
52:52
fact that we're we break up is okay, and Thelma basically was like,
52:57
wait, wait, he didn't tell you to scale my walls and like break
53:00
into my house and insist your love on me. What the fuck? Is
53:06
not even that at least that would be like related to the situation on hand,
53:09
Like if that means Andy must hate me, Yeah, that means Andy
53:16
doesn't like me. You suggested that us breaking up is fine, that must
53:22
be a personal slide against me, and decides from that point she hates Andy's
53:28
guts um she will never speak to him again. They are now enemies.
53:34
So next day, Hard cut to Andy walking into the jail and being like,
53:37
hey, I just said hi tothell m Lou and she completely iced me.
53:42
What the fuck is going on? Um? And Barney is basically like,
53:47
well, you know, I told her about that thing you said.
53:51
And Andy, It's like Andy becomes more and more of an actual character over
53:58
the course of this episode, and it's like he's being electrocuted back to life
54:04
with sheer annoyance, where he's just like, I didn't see that you said
54:07
that. What the fuck you said it? I just agreed that it might
54:10
be true. You can't. I can't go down for this. You've said
54:15
it. And Barney's like, listen, you're passing off. Blame on me,
54:17
man, I'm gonna try to do what I can for you, but
54:22
you know, it is what it is. I'll see what I can do
54:27
to cut over to Helen's house or Thumblou's house, who cares. Helen and
54:30
Thumb are talking about it, and Helen says, I don't think that doesn't
54:35
seem like a thing that that Andy would say is Barney exaggerating because Barne,
54:39
we come on, we all know that like Barney never, like Barney only
54:44
has like a ten percent awareness of what anybody else is doing at anytime.
54:49
Helen says something like, it doesn't seem like you're being very fair here.
54:52
Thummalou continues to flip the fuck out. Yeah, says you're the ones who
54:55
aren't being fair. You're taking his side, and Helen says, I'm not
55:00
taking anyone's side. This isn't really many of my business, although I kind
55:06
of am taking the side of my boyfriend, like yeah, yeah, yeah,
55:14
she's taking the side of her partner. She would like, yeah,
55:19
like yeah, of course she fucking is, or is at least trying to
55:22
give him the benefit of the doubt, like she's not immediately like, oh,
55:27
fuck him, he's a dead man. Do you want to go do
55:29
donuts in his front yard and tell his kid he's ugly? Fuck yeah,
55:32
let's throw a brick through his fucking aunt. Thumma is about to storm out,
55:37
and Helen said, Helen, great, great de escalation skills here,
55:40
Helen, you clearly shown what a great teacher you are. You should be
55:45
around children all the time. Because Helen's Helen's way to de escalate the situation
55:51
to say, oh, come on now, thelmlu it's not like you to
55:53
be so childish. Yeah, boomo Yasolene meet fine big old things. So
56:00
now she's mad at Helen for saying she's childish. And then all right,
56:05
I'm gonna write down. I'm gonna tell you exactly what I wrote down of
56:08
this script of the next scene to describe the situation where I'm at. And
56:14
as I do this, I want you to remember that human beings are capable
56:16
of really just amazing complex communication patterns and understanding so many nuances of everything like
56:25
this is a thing that we've evolved to do. This is really what keeps
56:29
us alive, is our ability to communicate with one another. Barney tells Andy
56:35
that Thelmalou told him that Helen called her childish when she was telling Helen about
56:39
what Barney told her. That Andy said to Barney after Barney and Theelmalou's fight.
56:45
Am I accurate? Is that correct? Dan? That's cool? That
56:49
is cool. I someone kill me just again. Everybody in this everyone in
56:59
this scene is forty. These are all adults with full time jobs. We
57:05
even get confirmation at Thumbadhoo has a job because she gets called in from working
57:09
this. So now Andy and Barney have a fight because and He's like,
57:14
well, I think thumbal who is being a little childish, And Barney's like,
57:16
well, I think that Helen's being a child because she's being a child,
57:22
saying that the thumbles a child. Man. They sit there and they
57:25
just go, you'ren't being a child, you'ren't being a child. To be
57:28
clear, the show is aware of how obnoxious and childish this is. They
57:32
mention it numerous times. They say throughout the script several times, this is
57:37
some shit that we do in high school. And yet for some reason,
57:42
for some reason, it would be worse if they were unaware of it.
57:45
But the fact that the writers are clearly aware of it and then said I
57:47
put it out there on the screen anyway, that'll be fun to watch makes
57:52
it so much. I want to So I found this episode to take it
58:00
take a brief pause. I found this episode weirdly resonant, and I was
58:06
kind of like, I was kind of vibing on it, and I was
58:07
trying to figure out, like, why is this kind of working for me?
58:10
And then I realized, part with your watching it, I am pretty
58:13
sure that I was in this exact situation my junior year. I'm pretty sure
58:22
that this exact thing happened to almost verbatim, so I was I was kind
58:30
of like, oh, wow, well this isn't well. This is a
58:34
bad episode of the Andy Griffith Show. This is a pretty good episode of
58:37
Degrassi. This is kind of when they really get to the truth of how
58:42
fucking dumb it is to be a teen. Barney does a quote which is,
58:45
um, okay, I've got the quote here. I've got the quote
58:49
here. Barney says, so deep a friendship has one man for another that
58:53
no female caress shall ever tear it asunder. Boy, the guy that wrote
58:58
that must have been some kind of nut. And I was like, who
59:00
the fuck did write that? And the answer is who wrote this episode?
59:07
Well, no, no, I found I sort of found it. I
59:09
couldn't find because I couldn't find the source on this at all. I even
59:13
I googled. I googled that exact quote too, and it came up with
59:20
C. S. Lewis did it yeah. C. S Lewis. But
59:25
the thing was, I can't verify one percent because it was in a big
59:29
fucking like list of quotes of like CS Lewis on love, So it's buried
59:35
within like twenty fucking paragraphs of him just going like love and women and men
59:39
and love and love is the only thing keeping life together. And I've read
59:44
some cs Lewis and this doesn't sound like him does not. But that's the
59:49
best I got is that he's he came up in Google, so maybe I
59:54
don't know, man, Yeah, that's my best. I've looked at like
59:58
everyone has looked this up, and as far as I can tell, it
1:00:04
has nothing to do with you. But what I did find was somebody who
1:00:07
collected four pages of Andy Griffith TV show sound bites that are just in wave
1:00:14
form. I am glad that this person elected a bunch of Andy Griffith show
1:00:17
sound bites. I guess that'll be useful to me and me only. I
1:00:22
can't believe I've got to be the only person that this is useful for,
1:00:25
and yet here it is. Yeah, I'm gonna be I'm gonna be getting
1:00:31
some good use out of this. Thank you, Ross Walker. Taught CEO
1:00:35
dot UK for this. Oh we got a brit on this, Yeah,
1:00:39
thank you? Um okay, so that happens, Barney. Some of these
1:00:45
are from episodes who've already done. I might have to go back in and
1:00:50
edit these sounds. And why why why people that like this show were so
1:00:54
fucking weird? Um? So Barney takes this conversation and reports it to Thelma
1:01:01
lu who then takes that out of context and says that Andy referred to Helen
1:01:09
Crump as the third party, to which Helen Crump goes, he didn't even
1:01:15
refer to me by name. It's getting increasingly outlandish what people are getting upset
1:01:20
about because she basically breaks up with him remotely over the fact that he did
1:01:24
not refer to her directly by name over the course of this. Yeah.
1:01:30
Okay, hang on, maybe I blacked out, but I feel like you
1:01:32
skipped something here, right, Okay, So Andy picks up. So Barney
1:01:37
picks up Andy, and Andy he does say the third party thing. He
1:01:42
says, Oh, so Barney picks up Andy and they're still mad at each
1:01:45
other. But Andy says something like, hey, man, Jeff, because
1:01:50
them and Helen are fighting doesn't mean you and I gotta fight right like this,
1:01:53
and he says there's no reason to change things because some third party may
1:02:00
to remark, do we really got to get mixed up in this? And
1:02:02
then Barney goes, yeah, all right, I agree we should probably like
1:02:07
we don't need to deal with this, and then they go, boy,
1:02:09
man, if only we could get the women together like this, and Andy
1:02:13
goes, well, it's not that easy with women. They're petty bitches,
1:02:15
and he says that he does say with women they can be a little more
1:02:17
petty. So when Barney does the fucking parent trap move and he tells both
1:02:23
Thummalu and Helen to come to the to the jail, lies to both of
1:02:30
them, says it's an emergency. We get confirmation that Thumbalu has some job
1:02:35
because she came from work. And then so gets them together, and like,
1:02:42
I hate this thing that TV shows do, where all you have to
1:02:46
do to solve a dispute between two people is get them in the same room.
1:02:52
Like that works maybe one out of ten times in my experience. But
1:02:59
he gets them in and they both say, well, fuck this, we're
1:03:00
out, and then Barney goes, boy, aren't you both a bunch of
1:03:04
stereotypical petty women. Oh boy, oh boy, Andy was right, and
1:03:08
they go, what was Andy about? Right about? He said it wasn't
1:03:12
worth breaking up a friendship because a third party said something. And that's where
1:03:15
the thing happened that you said. Where Helen's get really upset because she was
1:03:19
referred to as a third party, not because Andy said all women are petty.
1:03:24
Yeah. Yeah, so Ellie would have been pissed about that. Season
1:03:29
one, Season one Live Interest would have had some shit to say about that.
1:03:31
But Helen crump worst character refer is like, how dare you refer to
1:03:37
me in legal status as a third party. Helen Crump gets so mad at
1:03:44
contracts. Helen Crump looked at her rent agreement and was like, I'm a
1:03:49
party in this and just tore it up and threw it in her landlord's face.
1:03:53
You call me by name when you call me a dumb bitch. Okay,
1:04:00
all right. You don't say some woman is a dizzy slut that should
1:04:04
keep her mouth shut. You say Helen Crump. Honestly, dude, if
1:04:10
if if we took what you just said, if we just got like a
1:04:13
picture of Marilyn Monroe and wrote the words you call me by my name when
1:04:16
you call me a dumb bitch. That would do Gangbusters on Facebook. That
1:04:20
would be posted on so many faithbook that would be a viral sensation. Honestly,
1:04:27
honestly, one of us needs to download TikTok, get our significant others
1:04:32
to say that into a TikTok, and then we can I guess, retire.
1:04:38
I think, well they can revenue off of that somehow to just get
1:04:45
an island the next Timothy Shallome movie. Call me by your name when you
1:04:50
call me a dumb bitch. Hey, there we go, There we go.
1:04:54
There's a there's a requisite Timothy shallowme reference. Shall they run out there.
1:05:01
Andy comes in and he's like, hey, girls, you're here,
1:05:04
and they're like, fuck you, fuck you refer to referring to us in
1:05:08
legal status. My name is Crump. Yeah, and then she spells her
1:05:12
name and I'm just like, God, damn it. If you you named
1:05:15
a character Helen Crump, I really you should not draw attention to that fact.
1:05:19
That's such a glaring error for you. Why did you not change this
1:05:23
character's name? You could have done it. You've you've changed so many continuity
1:05:27
things in this episode in this series. But no, they call attention to
1:05:30
it, she spells it out, they run out. Both women are many
1:05:34
yeah, uh Andy and Barney are like, all right, I'm done with
1:05:38
this. I'm not gonna play peacemaker anymore. I don't want anything to do
1:05:42
with this. Next scene, Barney is a saything going, well, we
1:05:45
can make peace with this, dell Malu. So they're not fighting anymore.
1:05:48
Okay, Basically they have bonded over their need to match. Make Andy and
1:05:54
Helen Crump back together, who are fully broken up at this point. Guy
1:05:59
kind of question if they were together in the first place, because like,
1:06:01
they're not cerrely not that upset about it, because number one, they are
1:06:05
no longer boning on the rag because all right, their only move is to
1:06:12
do the exact same thing that Barney just failed to do and trick them into
1:06:16
coming into the same room together. Like they just they do the exact same
1:06:20
thing, but dumber because they both lie to each other and say, oh,
1:06:27
we're gonna take you on a blind date. We've got someone to meet
1:06:29
you, and both of them are just like, well, I just broke
1:06:31
up with my partner this morning, but yeah, whatever, Sure, they
1:06:39
are just super willing, which kind of makes me wonder, like how just
1:06:44
how because they're both like, I wasn't emotionally attached to the other person in
1:06:48
this relationship, and I have now missed my standard Thursday fuck sesh. So
1:06:56
I am horny, and yeah, set me up with whatever blind date Helen
1:07:00
what's her name? I don't fucking care, Andy Griffin. Then I gotta
1:07:03
drain my balls. You know the Pina Colada song. Yeah, you know
1:07:08
that song is about two people who are trying to cheat on each other and
1:07:12
failing. Yeah, right, you you know how that song ends happily,
1:07:18
even though it should end with two people like immediately breaking up. Yeah,
1:07:25
So that's this, right, Like that's literally the exact thing. So they
1:07:30
both tell the So Barney and Thelmlou both tell the other two that they're gonna
1:07:39
take him on a date to meet them, and then they don't go to
1:07:42
a restaurant or anything. They don't like, put them together in a in
1:07:45
the jail and then run out or whatever. They drive to Helen's house.
1:07:51
They get Andy in the car, and then they drive to Helen's house and
1:07:55
and Andy's like, come on, man, I know what my girlfriend's house
1:08:00
looks like, and then he goes, well, does Andy know or does
1:08:04
Helen know? It's me? And immediately Helen's like, I know what my
1:08:09
boyfriend looks like. She looks out the window and just like, that's him.
1:08:13
It doesn't work, it doesn't make any sense, and so thelmlu sells
1:08:17
it on the basis of well, he hasn't gotten out of the car and
1:08:21
left yet, and Helen's like, that gets a good sign that he hasn't
1:08:26
just stormed away. So he likes me enough to sit perfectly still. Oh
1:08:33
my god, So they were tricked into seeing each other for some reason,
1:08:39
he doesn't leave. They continue to do this and then Barney just abandons the
1:08:43
car. He drives them out to the middle of nowhere, just gets out
1:08:46
of the car and walks away, presumably with the keys. Yeah. He
1:08:50
just basically says like, thelmalu, come on, let's go out into the
1:08:53
hills and presumably to try to do hands stuff. So the climax of this
1:09:00
works for me in that like the resolution is Andy and Helen just basically go
1:09:06
like, these two sure are fucking stupid, right, why do we let
1:09:12
them do this to us? They suck? And we know I have written
1:09:15
down here Helen. Helen says that like, I'm sorry, Andy, I
1:09:21
overreacted. I know you didn't mean anything by what you said. And Andie's
1:09:26
someone who said I shouldn't have gotten involved with them either, and Helen says,
1:09:30
we sure did learn a lesson, which I would say, did you
1:09:34
I would say yes, they did. What did you learn? They learned
1:09:38
that their friends are nut sacks that they shouldn't associate with as much as possible,
1:09:44
and they both move onto their lives saying we're just going to ignore everything
1:09:48
they say to us, and which is immediately put into practice when Barney and
1:09:53
Thelma Louse storm back into the car having the exact same argument they were having
1:09:58
at the beginning of the episode, and instead of engaging with it, Andy
1:10:01
and Helen Crump makeout. So it is like, is it the right lesson
1:10:05
that they should learn. No, they should learn a lesson about communication and
1:10:10
probably not doing misogyny. But the most practical lesson they can learn is to
1:10:15
tune these fucking idiots out as white noise whenever they can. It's the most
1:10:20
actionable possible lesson that they could get out of their lives. I wanted everybody
1:10:28
in this episode to die and now they all have and that makes me happy.
1:10:34
Yeah, it's even you're giving such benefit of the doubt and I'm not
1:10:41
allowing it. I won't do. You know what you've You've you've demonstrated that
1:10:45
you can give whatever ratings you want on this shit. Buddy, I have
1:10:48
no control over how you rate things. We're gonna have We're gonna have different
1:10:51
ratings. But this is this is so fucking horrible, horribly realistic in what
1:11:01
it is like to be a teenager, right fucking that is one of my
1:11:08
least favorite things to see on TV is adults acting like like teenagers. I
1:11:13
hate this are the worst genre of television, and it is. I enjoyed
1:11:24
the kind of like Rube Goldberg machine of bullshit that happens where it's just like
1:11:28
like den In and in it like where they're just like, oh, let's
1:11:32
watch these dumb neurons fire in these idiots brains that causes this increasingly cascading car
1:11:39
crash to happen. I I was. I enjoyed the final thing of them
1:11:45
just basically saying we're going to ignore Barney and Thumblou because more so than anything
1:11:51
I was, I was kind of struck by, Like, oh right,
1:11:54
I'm remembering after a little bit of a hias, why I fucking hate Barney
1:11:58
so much? And oh yeah, I'm remembering that I don't particularly like don't
1:12:01
Allude that much. If anything, I didn't dislike her before. This made
1:12:05
me really not fucking like her. She's a terrible She's a goddamn chicken.
1:12:11
I swear to god, you could like she has a vacancy behind her eyes
1:12:16
over the course of this episode that is deeply infurious. Rump is making it
1:12:20
worse, Like I'm on record as being a Crump hater, and like her
1:12:27
infection of terribleness of being her her chronic underwrittenness, like yeah, the cancer
1:12:35
of bad writing that she suffers from is infecting others. This is like the
1:12:44
most of a character she has ever been, And that character is a kind
1:12:49
of mean person that doesn't really care about the people. A mean idiot.
1:12:55
Yeah, a person that they established very clearly knows better, but is just
1:13:02
so possessed by disdain for those around her that she can't help but say something
1:13:08
mean and get rather like pulled into a bunch of bullets. Honestly, one
1:13:12
of the great like a great tragic character because she's it's impossible to root fully
1:13:16
for her because she's mean and stupid, but she's also in such a tragic
1:13:20
situation that you kind of have like a witch came first situation, right,
1:13:25
Like I just honestly just brilliant and deeply complex, but also dogshit, so
1:13:32
terrible. What a terrible fucking character. I hate all of it, all
1:13:36
of these people. I hate it so much. I hated all this ratings
1:13:43
Andy Meter. I'm gonna give it higher than you. I'm gonna say it's
1:13:45
a I'm gonna say it's a five because I found it funny at times.
1:13:48
Go go, go, open up, open up with your machine. I
1:13:51
mean, I don't even have anything. I've I've wasted all my ammunition.
1:13:55
It's a fucking zero. It's a zero. I hate all of this.
1:14:00
I'm so glad that we don't. The guys who wrote this were apparently fired
1:14:03
immediately. How how fucking bad do you have to suck to get fired from
1:14:09
the Andy Griffith show writing room. A show which will do literally anything you
1:14:15
can, which they've done this like four times previously too, where Andy Barney
1:14:21
and some love interests, maybe Thelma Lou maybe Andy's girlfriend get embroiled in a
1:14:27
complicated high school esque miscommunication. And normally it's been fine, they've been like,
1:14:32
yeah, fuck cranking out. This one was so bad that they were
1:14:35
like, no, no, you flew too close to the sun Icarus,
1:14:39
get the fuck out of here. Um. So you you mentioned how you're
1:14:45
you're happy that all these people are dead, right, we're not even doing
1:14:49
the Barney Meter. Yeah, Barney Meter, who cares like, I just
1:14:58
didn't do any lasting damage? Just did do you change anything between the dynamics
1:15:00
free men and women. It's just stupid. It's just so stupid. The
1:15:05
Barton the death at my Barney Meter isn't It's so dumb. Okay, So
1:15:12
yeah, normally i'd say, as always, you can get us on the
1:15:14
internet, but no, I'm not doing I email us please Breaking maybeer at
1:15:18
gmail dot com, Like get on, get in touch with us via email.
1:15:21
That's it. Uh, And go to our patreons for our patreon com
1:15:28
Breaking Mayberry. Eight dollars a month gets you everything, including access to our
1:15:30
discord ability to make us watch horrible things, bonus episodes, extended episodes,
1:15:36
deleted scenes, et cetera, et cetera. Uh, and we just Um,
1:15:42
we just did an episode on a couple of Scooby Doo movies, not
1:15:45
going to spoil what they are. Fuck it. Um, we did an
1:15:48
episode on the Scooby Doo Kiss crossover. So weird. It's weird. It's
1:15:54
so weird. Uh, it's that's my pitches. Hey, do you want
1:15:59
to hero us talk about Scooby Doo and Kiss hanging out? You should because
1:16:04
it's really weird. Um, all right, that's and that's it. Yeah.
1:16:09
I mean you can follow the Breaking Mayberry at break Mayberry Twitter account.
1:16:13
It still exists, but I'm not using it. I can't be on that
1:16:15
platform anymore. So I don't know. Maybe we'll get into Instagram again.
1:16:19
Whatever. That's it for this episode. We'll be taking off most of April
1:16:25
and we'll be back in May to you know, hinge our way through season
1:16:29
five. The break is necessary, Okay. Yeah, so we'll be taking
1:16:33
off the most of April or and we'll be back in May. Thanks to
1:16:36
everybody for listening and for sticking with us. I hope that you're enjoying this.
1:16:41
We'll see you all at the fishing hole. Boo. B Bye bye
1:17:10
people. Boo