Latest / Self-Schooled / I Questioned Everything I Was Taught About Kids. Here Are the Hills I'll Die On.
Transcript
- Heather DiNino (she/they): Hey everyone, welcome back to Self Schooled. This is episode 10. And up until now, I've spent a lot of time talking with so many awesome people But I thought it might be nice for you to hear what from me and just share a little more about myself. So what I believe and why I'm doing this, why it started in the first place, and where I hope it's heading. So today I want to share my non-negotiables. This is something I think everyone should have as a parent and as a family, just thinking about the things that you would not give up. This is like really deeply ingrained values, philosophical beliefs, you know, whatever, however you want to phrase it. I think that you'll hear these things in every conversation we have at self-schooled. It's important for me to build trust with transparency and just being really honest and authentic and showing up as I am. if you're wondering where these beliefs even came from, I certainly was not born with them, I will say. Like, if you look at my lifespan, it's like I've had a million lifetimes in this one. it's evolved over time. I was a public school special ed teacher for many, many years, and I loved it. I learned a lot from it. I've been a parent for over 12 years and I love it and I learn a lot from it. I continue to learn a lot from it. and I'm a school founder, so now I have that you know experience of of running a school and and still teaching in a very different way and also like you know running a business and I just Throughout that process of me going from, you know, like going to school for education and and being a more traditional teacher and then becoming a parent and then kind of discovering these alternative routes, the theme woven throughout, I will say, has been that I've I've just continued to be curious. I love learning. I would go to school for the rest of my life if I could, although I feel like this is kind of like earth school, but I love school, I love learning. and I've always wanted to know more. So just being curious, I I read a lot, I research a lot, I talk to a lot of people, I love finding my groups of people and conferences and things that are just like they are nerding out about the same things I am. so it's it's a mixture of like lived experience and and tuning more into what feels right for me and also these different perspectives I've had throughout the different jobs I've had. and so you definitely don't have to agree with these. And in fact, I hope you question them because that's kind of the whole point of self-school to question everything. So here we go. My first non negotiable. This is a hill I will die on. They are all hills I will die on. Is needs are needs, no matter what the needs are, whether they are physical, emotional, mental, relational, social, needs are needs. So all behavior is communication. And it is all meant to be curious about what they're showing you, how they're showing you. It may and most likely will be at inconvenient times. And probably non-preferred ways. But they're just letting you know what they need. Okay. So whether they are hungry and they're like, what's for dinner? What can I eat? I'm hungry. Whether they're yelling, I'm bored for the 90-second time. Whether they're bouncing off the furniture, whether they're poking at you and pushing your buttons, literally or metaphorically, they're those are Are all just showing you what their needs are. And you're narrating the experience for them of you're bouncing off the furniture. It looks like you need some input. Should we play like should we play a game where the floor is lava? Should we, should I bury you in couch cushions? Like you have to find what works for you obviously, but narrating that it looks like their body needs input and then giving them that input or helping them get that input. that will create kids that are then growing and knowing that they need that for themselves. what does your body feel like when you need that? okay, now I now I know to do this, right? if that need is not met, the behavior is gonna get bigger, actually, because that need is still there, unless they mask, which is a whole nother story. And I we don't want kids that are masking and pretending to be someone else. We want kids to be authentically themselves when they are with us, especially. and and let's have the goal of like being authentically themselves everywhere, but especially when they're with us. being aware of it and helping them have their need met will help them with regulation in the future and right now. So it's a win-win. I just want to be clear that Meeting a need does not mean that you're allowing every behavior, right? We're looking at those two things separately. So if someone is hitting because they're overwhelmed, I'm not gonna keep letting them hit. but I'm also going to wonder what's happening underneath that behavior. And so you're not allowing the behavior and meeting that. You're you're looking under the behavior for the need and you're meeting the need without necessarily allowing the behavior if the behavior is unsafe or or causing disruption or harm. So that's when I say it's not a free-for-all. Like you're not allowing everything to happen. You're holding really clear boundaries and also wondering what's underneath that and supporting the need that is creating that behavior that they're showing you. Okay. Non-negotiable number two. I want to think about and see the whole child and honor all parts of them. So you cannot selectively choose, I love when they're nice and helpful, but I don't love when they're snappy at me. We love all parts of them and I'm sure you could already tell this, but to be super transparent and clear, we are narrow affirming, we are gender affirming. And when I say we, I mean in my family, in my school, in any space that I am in, we are supporting the child that we have in front of us. And yes, sometimes that is different than the child you thought you. actually, is there a case where you're like, my child is exactly who I thought I'd have and I'm exactly the parent I thought I'd be? No, it's almost always different than we expected, right? So all parts of their identity are are welcomed and accepted and affirmed and encouraged. And let's unpeel those layers and uncover more of what's actually them and who they are. Okay. The third non-negotiable I will always choose connection over control. I will always choose being curious. and feeling connected and having compassion for my kids over trying to control them. And control includes coercion. So I am not bribing. I am not trying to convince or coerce. I'm not using emotional manipulation to get what I want or to make things more comfortable or convenient for me. This doesn't mean it's a free for all. It's not having like no boundaries or limits, no guardrails, no safeties. It's not Lord of the Flies. It's just me as a human honoring another human. So our job isn't to mold kids into who they think they should be or who society thinks they should be or or whatever. it's getting curious about who they really are and feeling connected and curious over control every time. The fourth non-negotiable, and this is super important, we are all human and we make mistakes and allowing our kids to see us as human, allowing ourselves to be human, and allowing us to like see ourselves in that moment is really important. So we're teaching our kids how to be human. It's okay to have feelings and to be messy and to be dysregulated. And then how do we come back to regulation? How do we, when we fail, how do we fail forward? When we mess up, how do we take accountability and responsibility for that? And how do we show up again and again and again as authentically ourselves? So, you know. Snapping at your child, losing your patience, losing your temper, being short. That stuff is gonna happen. That's okay. That's the point. Letting them see that and not pretending it didn't happen, but just saying, you know what? Wow. I snapped at you. And I'm sorry, that really wasn't even about you. That was about me. I'm having a day or I'm having a moment and I'm trying to, I'm trying to take a minute. I'm trying to take deep breaths. I'm trying. It's it, I'm just like at capacity right now. Right. Like that is real life human moment. we've all had those moments, right? Where we like, I mean, I spell stuff all the time, I bump into stuff all the time. I'm a total klutz. Like, I have those moments where it kind of just rolls off my back and I'm like, my God, I bumped into an Another doorway. I spilled my coffee again, like whatever. And then there's a day where I spill a tiny bit and I'm like, of course that happens today, like on top of all things, and now I have to change my shirt. And now it turns into like this huge deal. So Some days our capacity is higher and lower. Some days it ebbs and flows. Some minutes it ebbs and flows. That's okay. That's on purpose. We're just gonna own it. So The last thing I think is worth mentioning, something that I've been thinking about a lot lately and kind of wanted to share. I have I have graduate degrees in education, I have two master's degrees, I I had an undergrad degree in psychology, so I'm super nerdy about like research and science and neuroscience and child development and all these things. I've been studying all that stuff for over twenty-five years now, and it's all still super interesting to me. And also at the same time, I'd say the past like 15 years-ish, 10 to 15 years, I've been on this other kind of parallel journey of like spirituality. Like I'm not religious, but I'm definitely curious about like Buddhist principles and mindfulness and spirituality and past lives, astrology, like all these really fun things that are out there, right? And I used to think that those were two separate things. So I'd be like, there's a nerdy part of me that's like scientific-based and evidence-based and research-based. And all these things, the neuroscience and the child development. Then there's this other side of me that likes like spirituality and mindfulness and yoga and and all that stuff. And I'm just looking at those two things lately, like they're actually so much more intertwined. than separate. I'm noticing how to prioritize what matters more and how to find like what really matters to me and what is what is living most authentically as myself. And so I just invite you into that world of seeing where you've been compartmentalizing things and where they could maybe like work together more instead of working against each other. All of these non-negotiables really lead back to this one underlying thing, which is what I want you to be doing every time you listen to self-schooled and every other podcast or parenting book or seeing something on Instagram. Like no matter what it is, just question it. Let's just get to know our kids and let's figure let's really unpack this like personalized learning and individualized and child led and all these buzzwords are kind of out, but what does that even mean? And how can you apply that to your child and to your family? And whether you're homeschooling or looking at alternative ed options or just trying to figure out like in what capacity being curious is gonna work for you. You get to decide what's right for your children, your family, and yourself. And just start by being curious about what that means. So no matter what message you've gotten from. society or from media or from quote unquote experts or even from family members just being just being curious about those assumptions and messages and don't be afraid to question everything because you've got this you've got this I am certainly not here to tell you that there is like one right way to parent or one right way to educate. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I just want to help you see your child more clearly and understand them more deeply so you can feel more connected to them and feel more connected to yourself. So thank you for being here. Thank you for being part of the conversation and part of the journey. And I'd really love to hear from you. So email me anytime or find me on Instagram until next time, stay curious. See you soon.